Monday, May 19, 2008

What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear...

...but another email from sister dearest.

It was a shock. Shocking because she responded so quickly. I had hoped I had bought myself another extended silence. I found it at 1:00 a.m. Sunday. Reading it was not conducive to getting to bed. No sleep until 2:30 a.m. Why was I checking my email at 1:00 a.m.? Hubby and I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen after our family guests left. I always check email just before shutting down the computer.

I will be posting her email for you. All in good time. What is very clear to me is that it's time for me to shut her down hard. The first read-through of her email filled me with a sense of amazement. She was completely showing her tender underbelly. Complete with a confession about how she treated me when she was a teenager. I've never heard her admit to any of it before. It was especially interesting since just a few hours earlier my cousin "Lee" said, "I remember when I was fourteen and living with your family your sister told me she hated you for leaving her there with your mother, and she wanted to hurt you." Here is what my sister's email said about that very time:

"You asked me to own up to when I purposely tried hurting you. I remember in my teen years being very angry with you. This was a time in my life when I really was trying to hurt you. I was so resentful of you. I know I put you down and would dig at you. I think I wanted to even humiliate you. I know I wanted to punish you. I was horrible. You already felt degraded and humiliated and trapped in a life you really didn't choose for yourself and there I was trying to make you feel worse. It was evil. I apologize to you for this. I am so sorry. It was cruel and wrong. I was selfish and self righteous and I am so sorry. I know i couldn't have treated you worse because my digs were sly and subtle, probably leaving you to feel like, "did she really mean that". I can only imagine how awful I made you feel. Please forgive me."

A clean apology like I've never heard from her in my life before. As you can also read here in her own words...I have not exaggerated about her treatment of me. It was nice of her to provide confirmation for ya'll of what I've said about her.

I will say that reading her conciliatory email did have the effect of softening me. I may come off like a hard-ass but I really am in possession of a very soft heart. At the same time she softened my feelings, I also realized it is time to forbid her from further communication. I can still see her working the situation to her advantage. She is now approaching me like she is going to be my savior. I find it repugnant.

I will elaborate more on what I see in her email when I get around to posting it. I think that many of you will see me as being a heartless bitch for dismissing her when she finally gets around to a real apology. I don't relish laying myself out there for the knives to be drawn and to see people feeling sorry for my sister. But I started all fairness you deserve to see how she responded.

Before I close this post I will respond to a question posed in the comments to me from "Poe".

But I have one question. I have read all your posts and there is one thing I can't understand. Your sister is not stupid. Doesn't she know that you have this blog? That her emails will be publically exposed and scrutinized?
She isn't stupid, but she also isn't terribly smart. The thought has not even crossed her mind that I have a blog let alone a blog where I have talked about her at length. That thought would require her to think bigger than herself. She isn't very good at that as you might have noticed. Since the earliest days of my blogging I have kept an eye out for her through Sitemeter and Statcounter. I know beyond all shadow of doubt that she has not found my blog. Keep in mind, too, that she is proud of her letters. She thinks she is right and has expressed herself in a way that no one can see her game or object to her words. She does not possess the ability to know how she is perceived by me. She can't get out of herself enough to get it. She sorta seems to get it in her latest email, but it is too little too late. Anyway, it hasn't occurred to her and I doubt it ever will. Writing under a pseudonym makes the chances of her finding what I've written vanishingly small.

As I've said before, I don't care if she finds what I've said here about her. I don't care if she finds herself publicly exposed and scrutinized. She deserves whatever she gets if she should find me here. In any case, she still has her anonymity. She isn't "publicly exposed" in the truest sense.


Anonymous said...

AMAZING! HERE'S where some of the TRUTH comes out. The irony is that you no longer NEED her to admit to what you figured out for yourself.
If she didn't think she had something to gain by her "admission"--she never would've done it. What she doesn't know is that you can see right through it. That your heart is no longer vulnerable to her lies & abuse. Of which this approach is just one more. She actually must believe you are about to become "supply" to her again. On some level, she knows that you know everything she "admits" to. And that she won't get TO you again until she puts that out there, like some kind of sacrificial offering. It's repugnant to me. It only re-affirms the black heart that can try to bait you back into her world-just to feast on you again.
What a blessing that you are strong enough to see it for what it is! Hang tough!

none said...

So, she had no idea what she did to hurt your "sensitive feelings" last week. Now, after your no holds barred email, she recalls her inappropriate behavior in vivid detail? Do you believe she would confess the same thing to you face to face?

In my experience, an N will make a specific apology when confronted with irrefutable evidence that we wont buy their load of crap. When they know the jig is up they will trot out the much waited for apology. Apparently this is the last card they can play. If it takes this much work to coax an apology out of someone they are not truly sorry, and they are not worth the effort.

Anna Valerious said...

The irony is that you no longer NEED her to admit to what you figured out for yourself.

It is like you're in my head. Yes, exactly right. You have nailed it. I don't need it. But she wants us both to pretend I am the one who needs her to confess in order to deal with my "hard feelings". What gives me hard feelings is when she unloads her crap into my lap again. Grrrrr.

I agree that she thinks she has something to gain by her admissions. She says in this latest email she is not expecting to get me back. This, I'm sure, is designed to make it look like she is only thinking of me. I have good reasons to suspect there are other gains in there for her by her proposed exercise. Not going there.

Anonymous said...

Geez.....It sounds sincere. But, ya know what? TooooBaadddd. Not worth the 'risk'. Not to me, anyway.

I have heard all the RightWords from the Ns in my life. THAT is what screwed with me. Even if MY Ns turned around....truly....and their hearts were finally in the RightPlace. Tuff. I honestly don't feel that it would be vindictive on my part. I don't feel malicious or vengeful.....just plain DON'T want a relationship. Too much shit....too much history....too much effort. Maybe it would be kinda like the unfaithful husband, begging for forgiveness...'and never again'...etc. Well? Pin that medal on the woman who takes him back. (He must have left her some extra energy and emotions to re-invest.) I couldn't do it....(unless God wrote it on my forehead in a language I could understand.)

I guess what I keep coming back to: WHY DO PEOPLE THINK WE HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?!! We don't....dammit!

Nah....I don't trust her. Let Heaven prove her out.


Anna Valerious said...


You have pinned down some of my exact thoughts on this. I'll write more on that in a post.

I have written a short response to my sister. (It is still in my draft folder; I haven't sent it yet). In it I describe how there is no virtue in confessing to what you know you're busted on. I'll be sending my response to my sister here soon. It is a short letter...which I'm sure many of you will be happy to see. :o) I am keepin' it short because I'm telling her to leave me alone...don't write me again. If I want contact, I'll initiate it.

Anna Valerious said...

Not worth the 'risk'. Not to me, anyway.

Not to me either! It is quite interesting to me that each of the commenters on this have touched on the points I have thought were at the core of this. I tell sister that very thing, krl. She is not worth the risk. You're very right. No one is owed a relationship just because of shared DNA.

Anna Valerious said...

Or just because of any reason without DNA!

Anonymous said...

Too little, too late.

Cathy said...

One apology given because she's busted does not make a "changed" person.

Even her apology reeks with manipulation.

There would have to be significant attitudinal and behavioral changes exhibited consistently over time - not just one apology because she's been called on it.

Frankly, you'd be a masochist to open the door back up to her. We all like you too much to see you do that!!! It feels good to see things clearly after a lifetime of abuse, doesn't it?

The thing about narcissists is that she is going to be astounded, flabbergasted, completely perplexed at your response. Because AFTER ALL, she said the right words, didn't she? How dare you show disdain for her magnanimous gesture!!! Ha!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, their determination to keep you engaged knows no bounds doesn't it?

A good apology is like a good wine...the longer you leave it, the better it is, especially for an abuser.

This one must be vintage by now..

Anonymous said...

Your sister is clearly still in N mode. Sometimes because - I don't know why - they have trouble connecting events logically they end up exposing themselves completely. Its like you wouldn't go back and read the last email where she clearly says that she DOESN'T KNOW WHY you have decided to cut her off. And now, look not only does she recall how she treated you but she now remembers that it compounded the nasty, unfair and malicious treatment that your mother handed out to you. the thing that upsets me even more than this sudden recovery from selective amnesia is that all this time (nearly 40 years) that you were trying to get her to talk about what happened and find a better way, she knew what you were talking about but didn't care enough, couldn't find it in her heart to offer a simple sincere apology. Or she knew that refusing to even acknowledge what had happened would stick the knife in again. Notice that she doesn't address this in her email. She obviously expects you to play the game, ignore the fact that she just lied to you, insulted your intelligence.

Like Anonymous May 19, 2008 2:17:00 PM said, too little too late.

Anna Valerious said...

Oh my gosh, their determination to keep you engaged knows no bounds doesn't it?

I have come to realize that I'm a particularly sweet meat that my mother and sister will never find a replacement for. They think of me and salivate. It is really quite unthinkable to them that I'm never going to offer up a vein to them again. Who know I was so important? Certainly not me. Not until I get the hell out of Dodge did I come to realize how indispensable I am to them. And NOT in a good way. Ugh.

Jeannette Altes said...

The only time I have gotten an apology that wasn't all weasel words was when I point blank asked my dad why he didn't protect my sister and I from our Nmom. He thought for a few seconds, then said, "I'm sorry I didn't protect you." Hmm... I don't buy it as genuine...

Anonymous said...

Yes, Anna, I think you hit it on the head in your comment that you are a particularly sweet meat they they can't find a replacement for. I think we are experiencing similar things with the NILs who won't leave us alone--DH is the only "blood" son of the six.

I found it VERY suspect that she replied soooo quickly after getting such a long letter from you. She should have had food for thought for days and days if she was at all sincere.

My diagnosis (it's easier when it's someone else!) is that since she replied so quickly, that contact/connection was the goal. She feels like she has made some sort of "progress" with you, I guess, so she can throw you a bone of a sort of apology. I guess it's along the same lines of negative attention is better than no attention.

Therefore, I suggest that you should consider either not replying or only replying with a one-liner saying not to contact you again.

I think your response in and of itself was the payoff for her. But the good news for you is that you KNOW you have laid it out there and you won't have to do it again, despite how many times she "forgets."