Book Review: The Narcissism Epidemic

I came across an older article by U.S. News & World Report that contains excerpts from the reporter's interview with one of the authors of the book, "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" and thought I'd highlight both the article and the book in a post. No, I haven't read the book as I only just found out about it, but I'm going to be buying it because it looks like a stellar treatment of the subject of narcissism from both the excerpts of this article and the reviews I've read.

It appears to me that we have a couple of Ph.Ds actually applying some science to the subject and, therefore, they break away from the usual cliches about narcissism that comes from pop psychology. I agree with all seven points in this article (for the most part) and I adore the answer to #4 (a little narcissism is healthy). I have not explicitly come out against this pat phrase that continually comes out in discussions about narcissism, but I've definitely in no way supported this belief on my blog. I don't and never have believed that "a little narcissism is healthy." Quoting from the article:

You have to ask, "Healthy for whom?" Narcissism is basically never healthy for other people. It tends to work out OK for the narcissist in the short term, but in the long term, they end up messing up their relationships at work and at home, and they end up depressed later in life.

Another way to phrase this is to substitute the word "narcissism" for "selfish". As in, "Selfishness is basically never healthy for other people..." You can decide to deny this but your denial won't ever change my mind. Selfishness always ends up subtracting from the lives of those around you. Now, don't go defining selfishness as the necessary care we must take of our persons. If we don't make sound decisions about how we take care of our health then we're useless to ourselves and everyone else. Stick to the true meaning of words. See here if you don't know the definition of selfishness.

I also want to hug these people for coming out against this blather: "You have to love yourself to love someone else". I have profoundly disagreed with this statement myself for many years now as I've come to see the truth of the matter. That these psychiatrists have actually grasped and unapologetically oppose this idea is surprising to me but thrilling. This idea of needing to love yourself first before you can love someone else is tirelessly chanted in Christian circles because of poor exegesis of Christ's statement to "love one another as you love yourself." What a good student of Scripture realizes is that God's perspective on how we love ourselves is that we do it unconditionally. So this statement is a command to love others as unconditionally as you already love yourself.


The U.S. News article can be found here.

On Psychopathy and Lying

After reading this post from LoveFraud.com I'm anxious to read the recommended book, Criminal Interrogation: A Modern Format for Interrogating Criminal Suspects Based on the Intellectual Approach, by Warren D. Holmes.

From LoveFraud.com:

Many Lovefraud readers have expressed the desire to know how to “out” a psychopath/sociopath. In this book Mr. Holmes gives his ideas about this subject. In his Chapter “How People Lie” he discusses the neurotic liar and compares lies told by these people to psychopathic liars. He has also listed and categorized what he calls “liar statements.” These are statements that signal someone is lying. In reading his list, I found that psychopaths/sociopaths use many of these.

Here are his categories of liar statements:

To read the list and the rest of the article go here.

Signs You've Been Hypnotized

The book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain you Dry" has some very helpful information on how to recognize when a narcissist (or other disordered character) is hypnotizing you. You look for the signs in your own reactions:

"Make sure you recognize the warning signs of hypnosis: instant rapport, deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, discounting objective information, and confusion." Emotional Vampires, pg. 48

These are all signs you look for in yourself.

Here is a summary, mostly in my own words, of each of these warning signs. See the book for more details:

Instant rapport -- That wonderful feeling that you are instantly "clicking" with someone you've just met is a clear warning sign. You have likely stumbled into someone who has either done their research before "accidentally" meeting you or before a job interview, or they are quick to assess what it is you think about yourself and are careful to reflect back to you what you want to hear.

Deviating from standard procedure -- Suddenly you find yourself making exceptions and doing things very differently than you normally do for someone you don't know well.

Thinking in superlatives -- You've just met the most wonderful, most incredible, most charming and thoughtful person ever. Big red sign that someone is messing around inside your head. The author says, "distorted perceptions usually involve superlatives". He also points out that the superlatives can be negative too.

Discounting objective information -- You've been swept off your feet in no time flat. You're loving how you feel around this person -- so much so that you are now avoiding objective sources of information about this person. Or, if you do hear things you don't want to hear, you tell yourself it is somehow different for you. He's different with you. He was different back then. When you find yourself avoiding getting objective information about this person you have a clear sign in yourself that you're very happy in this little fantasy that's been created for you and don't want the bubble popped. You're in trouble if you keep this up. Remember, this doesn't just apply to romantic partners. It can happen with a fellow church or club member, a co-worker, boss, employee, etc.

Confusion -- "Hazy understanding of the reasons for your own reactions, coupled with unusual certainty, is a pretty clear sign that somebody has been messing with your mind." pg. 29

If you find any of these signs in yourself, most particularly when dealing with someone you don't know very well, it is imperative that you stop whatever you're doing and analyze the situation. Don't be afraid to ask yourself why you are reacting the way you are. Be honest with yourself. Don't discount your answers.

Some additional observations about someone who makes you feel confused. Don't assume you're an idiot. See it as a warning sign and stop to figure out what is really happening. I have learned that when someone is making me feel confused and pressured at the same time then I know that I must put them off. "I'll call you with my answer tomorrow." If they say that it'll be too late tomorrow then I now know my answer must be a firm "no thanks". When someone is trying to baffle you with bull-shit and then, in your confused state, try to force you to come up with an immediate response you are dealing with a high-pressure salesman or an emotional vampire.

Good Liars? Or Just Practiced Diversion Artists?

Dr. Robert Hare tells us that psychopaths are not the good liars they are generally acclaimed as being. In his book "Without Conscience" in the chapter titled Words from an Overcoat Pocket he outlines the anomalies of the way psychopaths use language. More accurately, how they misuse language. And some really interesting reasons as to why.

Please don't be distracted by my referring to Hare's work with psychopaths. The character-disordered have one thing in common: they lie. A lot. Lying is pervasive throughout all their interactions with others. As I have highlighted before, Dr. Hare has established that all psychopaths have a pervasive narcissistic personality. So, even on their best day, a malignant narcissist has much more in common with the psychopath than with the rest of us. Also, I know that some of you who read this blog are dealing with someone who is closer to the psychopath than not.

I have observed before that the malignant narcissist prostitutes language to their own ends. They pervert the use of language in order to destroy true communication. The purpose of language is to communicate. Narcissists use language to do the opposite. Obscure, mislead, divert, confuse. This is perversion. By perversion I am using this definition: "To put to a wrong or improper use; misuse."

"Although psychopaths lie a lot, they are not the skilled liars we often make them out to be. As I discussed earlier, their speech is full of inconsistent or contradictory statements. Psychopaths may play mental Scrabble, but they sometimes do it badly because they fail to integrate the pieces into a coherent whole; their truth line is fragmented and patchy, at best..." Without Conscience, pg. 136

So why are we often fooled by the inconsistencies and illogic of their statements? Hare states,

"[Victims] might not notice the discrepancy, particularly if they are engrossed in the action." Ibid. pg. 137 Emphasis mine.

When we are stuck in the moment with the liar there is much which is going on. They are masters of distraction. Constantly scanning your face and body language for cues as to how they should be responding to you at any particular moment, they dance here and there and zig and zag in order to lead you to whatever conclusion works best for them.

What I found particularly intriguing in this chapter of the book was Hare's analysis of the hand gestures which accompany the words under the chapter subtitle "Watch Their Hands". After accounting for the fact that certain cultures use more meaningless hand gestures than others, he then describes how psychopaths use many more "beats" (small, rapid hand gestures which are "empty" of meaning) as they talk. We all use "beats" to help us connect our words to our thoughts. The harder it is to come up with a word to describe our thoughts the more we will employ these empty hand gestures. People who are not speaking in their native tongue will use many more "beats" as they search around for the right word.

"A high rate of beat gestures appears to reflect difficulty in converting thoughts and feelings into speech." pg. 135

"Recent evidence suggests that psychopaths use more beats than do normal people, particularly when they talk about things generally considered emotional..." pg. 136 [emphasis author's]

Hare follows up this statement with what can be inferred from this evidence. You can read the book yourself to see his second inference because you need the context of the chapter to understand it, but the first one is that "emotion is like a second language to the psychopath."

To quote Spock, "fascinating".

I have talked about my mother's ridiculously animated hand gestures before like here and here. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens consistently when she is "playing" to an audience. I almost wish now that I was still in contact with her so I could study her hand gestures in light of Hare's information. He offers this excessive use of hand gestures as a sign of possible psychopathy. It can be a signal that the person you're talking to is having a difficult time finding the right "emotional" words to use. Groping around like someone whose second language is English, this person is not at home using words which communicate an emotional punch.

Put this one in your tool box. When you see something beating the air with their hands it may simply mean this person is having a hard time finding the words for whatever reason. But if you are conversing with someone who consistently and excessively uses "beats", at least consider the possibility that you are dealing with a narcissistic and/or psychopathic individual. It is a piece of evidence. It only has significance as it correlates with other supporting evidence. In isolation it may be meaningless.

"Expansive hand movements and exaggerated facial expressions" are part of the "dramatic display" which can blind us to the nonsensical, the odd, the illogic of the conversant. It can divert and mesmerize the smartest person. Makes me think again of the killdeer. If you've ever stepped near their eggs or young you've seen the impressive display. They are suddenly and loudly calling with their piercing vocals while running, limping and dragging a wing. Between the vocals and gestures you are diverted from the truth: that their vulnerable young are near by. Once the perceived predator has been lured a safe distance from their young by the deceptive act, the adult killdeer bursts into flight off away from the direction of its young.

In a similar way we can become entranced and distracted by an animated display and led away from the truth. The diversion artist has once again evaded real communication and hidden the truth from view.

"Society runs on trust, and we ordinarily pay more attention to what someone says than to the accompanying nonverbal behavior--hand gestures, facial movements, smiles, eye contact. However, when the speaker is attractive and gives a really impressive nonverbal performance, the effect can be reversed--we watch the show and pay little attention to what is said." Without Conscience, pg. 145

Book Review: "Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist"

This may be old news to some, but I just stumbled across this Seattle PI review of this book. Just in case it might be of interest to you:

Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter.

The book looks like it is focused on romantic relationships with narcissists. A timely subject for our day. I haven't read this book myself, but if any of you have then please feel free to post in the comments your review of the book.

Narcissists Can't Be Rehabilitated

I'd like to build some on the line of thought in the last post. I made a case that the grown malignant narcissist was a difficult, devious and generally obnoxious child -- to their peers and siblings especially and primarily. The logic is that the malignant narcissist is a case of arrested development. They have never progressed on to emotional, spiritual and mental maturity. So you get a constant view of the child they were at six when watching the operation of the grown narcissist.

Let's go from the thought above to this thought: The narcissist is a malicious child cloaked in an adult body. Because the malignant narcissist has always been what they are it is impossible to "rehabilitate" them.

Let us look carefully at the concept of rehabilitation and what it truly means. We're going to do so with the assistance of Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D. who has spent a whole career studying how criminals think. His observations on criminals are completely transferable to our study of malignant narcissists. Most criminals are narcissists. Robert Hare has established as fact that all psychopaths have narcissistic personalities. Just because the narcissist in your life has managed to stay within the law (or not get caught) doesn't mean they don't think like a criminal. They do. The main problem we put in front of ourselves when trying to deal effectively with narcissists is that we don't recognize that criminals and narcissists do not think like we do.

Quoting from page 7 of "Inside the Criminal Mind" by the above mentioned author Stanton E. Samenow:

"We must understand that criminals are different, that they do not think like responsible people and do not want the same things out of life. It is also time to realize that unless we help criminals to think differently, they will continue to prey on us all."

Page 20:

"Despite a multitude of differences in their backgrounds and crime patterns, criminals are alike in one way: how they think."

Page 23:

"A surprising number of people who deal with criminals do not know how criminals think. How a person behaves is determined largely by how he thinks. Criminals think differently."

Okay, now humor me and do a little exercise. Read each of the quotes above again and insert "malignant narcissist" in where you read the word "criminal". If you know anything about malignant narcissism you can see that it is a perfect fit. Narcissists, at the very least, are criminals in their operations in the moral and spiritual realm. That they can stay out of the reach of the law doesn't mean they are not criminals in their thinking. I have stated in other posts that the narcissist is an anarchist at heart. What is an anarchist but a criminal who recognizes no law as binding upon him?

One of the thrusts of Samenow's book here mentioned is that the concept of rehabilitation is not congruent with the experience of the criminal.

One last quote:

"But rehabilitation as it has been practiced cannot possibly be effective because it is based on a total misconception. To rehabilitate is to restore to a former constructive capacity or condition. There is nothing to which to rehabilitate a criminal. There is no earlier condition of being responsible to which to restore him." All emphasis in the above quotes are the author's.

Samenow is not addressing the issue of NPD in his book. I am not wanting to misrepresent what he is saying. I am the one drawing the correlation between understanding criminals and recognizing the same principles apply in dealing with people who are malignant narcissists.

I want to make sure you've taken in what is being said about rehabilitation. You can not REhabilitate someone to a condition to which they've never been habilitated to. The false assumption that at some point in time the narcissist has been properly integrated into society and relationships is just that...false...and dangerous. They have always held themselves apart and superior to society, its rules, its norms and expectations. The narcissist is above all that. He has never been "normal", so to think he can become normal by your reasoned arguments and firm application of boundaries and controls is simply an exercise in futility. He spurns your efforts to reform him because he is perfect.

To believe that the adult narcissist who was a narcissistic child can somehow be transformed into an empathetic and normal human being is naive at best. They are fundamentally broken. They have always been broken. You can not rehabilitate a malignant narcissist. They've never been integrated into human society. They've never been "habilitated". They have held themselves above us all. They have rejected humanity. To think you as an individual have the power in your little ole' self to make the narcissist what they have never been is a bit of delusion and God complex of your own that you need to get over.

The only hope for the malignant narcissist is with God Himself. If God can't change him...for goodness sake, why do you think YOU can? While you place the fate and future of the narcissist into God's hands you need to start putting the miles between you. The hope of the narcissist changing is so infinitesimally tiny that you need not waste time sticking around to hopefully see it happen. I realize that not everyone who retains a vain hope of the narcissist changing their spots is thinking they can "save" the narcissist. Some people want to believe in fairy tales so they can cling to a dream. A dream that a nightmare marriage can become a good one. A dream that mommy dearest will someday love me and I'll have a happy family. A dream that dad will finally treat me like a real human being. These dreams may give you comfort today, but someday as you stand there holding the dust of your dreams in your hands when confronted by the harshest of realities that the dream was always hopeless, you will realize how much of your life was wasted on smoke, vapor and ashes. I'm trying to save you that outcome.

For those of us who can acknowledge that the malignant narcissist is likely even beyond the reach of God Himself, we can heartily commend the narcissist to the devil. Christians: even Christ Himself recognized that some people have the devil himself as a spiritual father (John 8:44). "Your father, the devil" never applies so well as it does to malignant narcissists. Know it. Live accordingly.

Do yourself a big favor and buy Samenow's book, "Inside the Criminal Mind". It contains some fundamental and foundational changes in how we think about and deal with criminals of all stripes which includes the malignant narcissist.

Recommended website and book

The website I would like to recommend is titled: Cosmicwalk - Help for victims of abusive parents and partners/Child abuse/Wife Abuse.

If you are a Christian, or even if you are no longer practicing as a Christian but have a Christian background, this site can be particularly helpful to you. Christians, and those with Christian backgrounds, have extra challenges in overcoming the effects of abuse because of the way many people have distorted God's character, His law, His love. Christians have obstacles in their way when it comes to breaking free from abusers and being able to heal their minds. The author of this website has clearly wrestled with the issues unique to Christians and come out of the side where the light and healing are.

Even if you are not dealing with the special challenges of Christians there is much helpful information and perspective here for you too.

On a related subject, the book I would like to recommend is for those of you who are dealing with spiritual abuse either in your church or home. The book is titled, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse; Recognizing and escaping spiritual manipulation and false spiritual authority within the church" by Jeff VanVonderen and David Johnson. I read this book about two years before I came to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even without understanding NPD this book enabled me to deal with spiritual abusers and their powerful emotional clubs. Believe me, there is a linkage between spiritual abusers and NPD. I was not only dealing with spiritual abuse in the church, I had come to recognize the spiritual abuse my Nmother was a virtuoso in. The most helpful aspect of this book is in teaching you how to recognize where true spiritual authority comes from. Believe me, it isn't coming from the abuser! A very practical, clear, helpful book. This book will not add to the abuse or to your already heavy emotional burdens. I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with, or who has ever dealt with, spiritual abuse. Once you have the tools to recognize and deal with it, you'll never be victimized this way again.

This Is Your Brain on Hypnosis

A relevant subject if you've ever dealt with a narcissist...

At the end of my commentary I'll be providing a link to an interesting article on what is going on in your brain during hypnosis. Scientists have come to recognize and respect that hypnosis is something real. Real in the sense that it is possible to affect how someone may think or act by applying certain techniques. This article explains how hypnosis is about how the brain interprets sensory input...the brain is wired in such a way that it is quite easy for it to suppress outside input and create an alternate reality. A certain percentage of the population is considered "highly suggestible"...a small percentage are impervious to hypnotic technique. Children before the age of 12 are extremely vulnerable to hypnosis because of the immature wiring of the brain.

How is this relevant to the topic of narcissism? I am convinced that the narcissist has learned intuitively how to hypnotize people. I am also convinced, due to my personal experience and through observation, that narcissistic parents employ their hypnotic suggestions to their very young children before those children have any hope of resisting. I believe this is why it takes so long for adult children of narcissists to break free from their evil N parent(s). On average, an ACON will likely be around the age of 40 before they seem to be able to break free mentally from all the early programming of their N parent. It is a painful, difficult process to shrug off what feels like the absolute underpinings of the universe that have been programmed into your very DNA before you were able to rationally override hypnotic suggestion.

Hypnosis is not magic. It is not supernatural. It is really quite simply a process that takes advantage of how our brains naturally work. It is potentially a very powerful tool of mind control and is therefore a dangerous tool. I think it is wrong to assume control of another person's mind for any reason. Humanity is too morally weak to always be benevolent with this type of power. But I am convinced that it is imperative to understand how hypnosis works because we've all been affected by it at some time or other. The narcissist's primary weapon of choice is that of hypnotic suggestion. Your best defense is to know yourself. Know how to recognize when someone is trying to hypnotize you by seeing the signs in your own reactions. For the easiest and best handbook on how to recognize when hypnosis is coming at you I will again highly recommend the book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry" by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D. He takes all the mystery out of hypnosis and gives practical advice on how to evade it.

Here is the link to the article This Is Your Brain Under Hypnosis.

Some Recommended Reading

Here are a few recommendations for books that can help you deal with the narcissist(s) in your life.


The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson available at Amazon.com.


Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein. This book gets mixed reviews for its extensive use of the vampire metaphor. Some find it tedious, others entertaining. I am one who found it entertaining. The book has quite a bit of practical advice which is often hard to come by in books on this topic. The book seems targeted more toward those dealing with narcissists and other personality-disordered people in the workplace. The advice can apply to other contexts as well.


In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon. This is a must have book for anyone. We all have had to deal with manipulative people and can be assured we'll have to again. This book takes a very frank view of the subject and helps to clarify what is really happening when someone is trying to manipulate you. Click on the link for more extensive and informative reviews of the book.

I have read quite a few books in my quest to grapple with malignant narcissism. The three listed above have been of the most practical help to me. Perhaps they will help you.