While holding my breath, I'm going to venture into the uncharted territory of narcissists and evil in the supernatural realm. I have never read anything in material about narcissism that even touches on I'm going to bring up now, so I don't know if I'm going to be describing a complete anomaly or if others will be able to relate. Because my entire approach with this blog is under-girded by my conviction that my experiences are not unique I will venture forth on that presumption now. This is a big deviation for me because I have made an effort to make sure I stay away from the purely speculative and buttress my comments and observations with logic. It will seem like quite a deviation for me from your perspective. Keep in mind, though, that I am
describing experience. Mine. I have no way to prove it. I can only describe it. If you have had similar experiences you're going to recognize that I am describing a reality. It is very real to those who've gone through it even if you can't grab onto it, put it in a box and quantify it.
Halloween is around the corner -- as you've been forced to notice due to the movies coming out and candy and decor spread around the stores as you shop. This subject seems somewhat in the "spirit" of the season. So if I'm hitting wide of the mark of the subject of narcissism...at least I'm being seasonal. *big grin*
My narcissistic mother is a magnet for supernatural evil. There...I'll just throw that out there and try to explain what I'm talking about.
I have felt and experienced this evil personally so this is not a figment of her
imagination. Unless you want to believe that I have an overactive imagination myself. Believe whatever you want. I have no vested interest in making this shit up. Being a very rational human being I sincerely doubt I would believe in a personal
supernatural evil if I hadn't experienced it so frequently and persistently through my childhood. Even somewhat into adulthood. So, I understand if you don't believe in this unseen realm. For some of us it is not unseen or unfelt. In the meantime, I hope you'll be merciful in your judgment of me after this post. I think there is ample evidence that I live on terra firma. I'll just take one foot off the ground, but I promise to keep the other one planted on earth. I'm not brave enough to describe too much of the weirdness because I'm very unsure how it'll be perceived.
Let me go back to one of my Nmother's admissions made to me once or twice over the years. She doesn't believe that the attraction of evil to her is any reflection on her...so she has confessed some things that I don't think she realized how it really sounds to someone outside her self. The reason I believe what I'm about to relate to you is that there is supporting evidence outside of her to confirm it. I think my mother takes a certain amount of pride in the attraction she seems to present to the supernatural world. This explains her willingness to share what she has about the very early beginnings of her contact with it.
My mother admits that as a very young child she started having strange things happen to her including "visits" from something real yet intangible. Some of it frightened her, but one aspect of it she welcomed and embraced. Maybe what she is actually describing is the fact that at a very young age she started to embrace her own evil. I'll never know for sure.
She had a certain precocity as a child as well as being a very pretty little girl. She tended to be very reserved and quiet with adults. Watching, listening. She had experienced a certain amount of power with the adults due to her very pretty little face and well built little body. Her family worships
beauty (to this day). There are many very pretty people on her side of the family. Members of the family were often ranked by their level of beauty. My mother has been admired for hers since birth. Perhaps this early and frequent admiration helped spawn the somatic narcissist in her.
What she started to experience was, not so much a voice, but an alternate intelligence as early as four years old. This intelligence did not present itself as coming from her own thought processes. She describes it as a old intelligence...one with knowledge that far exceeded what a child could possibly know. Though she was a little afraid of this sense of having company in her head, she started listening to it because it was giving her extremely important intell. The voice instructed her on how to manipulate adults
. She proceeded to implement the information despite her little quiver of fear as to what this power might really be. She experienced great success. Unfortunately for her, this intelligence was not always benevolent. I know it will be tempting for some to attribute this phenomena to some organic brain disorder. If that makes you feel better, go right ahead. I am convinced there is a frequency out there in the supernatural realm that some people are easily tuned to. If you set your dial this frequency the signal comes in stronger. Stay set on this frequency and risk the loss of your soul.
My mother married a man who didn't believe in Deity and, most certainly, did not believe in a personal devil. Living with my mother for a few years changed his outlook...mostly on the existence of supernatural and evil beings. And I'm not talking about my mother herself. No, like the rest of us condemned to live in close proximity to my mother, he felt things. Things that can not be explained rationally. And if there was ever a man who liked to stick to rational...it was my father...especially way back then. I was only an infant when my father willingly conceded that there must be evil beings in the supernatural world. He had only been married to my mother for a couple of years at this point.
My childhood is replete with memories of fear. Where ever my mother made a home it was haunted. Enter a room and feel like you're being watched. See shadowy figures sitting in the living room in the dead of night. Even certain pictures gave off scary vibes.
My mother had a set of pictures that terrorized me for years. I even told my mother that the pictures scared me when I was around six years old...she just laughed. The creepiest one of all was hung for years over the toilet in the bathroom I had to use. So I had to turn my back on that freaking thing every time I had to use the toilet. It was torture
. Especially at night. That picture moved from house to house and found itself hung over a toilet I and my sister had to use every time. It was always
over the toilet that her children and the children she baby sat had to use. The last home of my parents that I lived in as a youth had three bathrooms. The picture was finally relegated to a half bath downstairs so I could avoid it most of the time. I was 16 years old by this time and I still
hated that picture. The picture is gone now. Yeah, mom finally took it down after her daughters both left the nest and she no longer watched other people's children. What is with that? It is like she knew that picture unsettled children. She hung that thing for at least 30 years. I also wasn't the only one disturbed by this picture. Some of the children my mother baby sat dared to voice to me their unsettled feelings about the pictures.
I can understand my mother buying those pictures because she liked them, but there is something cruel and mean about keeping
those pictures in the bathroom I was forced to use after I expressed my deep fear of them. My sister told me later that she, too, hated those pictures. These pictures featured children with inhuman eyes. The eyes enter the realm of the "uncanny valley
". Very close to human, but not quite
human giving you a feeling of revulsion. That I was as disturbed by them as I was I believe is because of the general atmosphere of my childhood home. In addition to the non-innocent child faces of these pictures they also depicted abandonment, sadness, poverty which reflected some of my deep childhood fears and feelings. I have found the actual picture on Google that hung above my childhood toilet. I can objectively look at it and see why some people may like the pictures. But I also see what is disturbing about the picture. I recognize that the picture was interpreted very negatively by me because of the atmosphere of my home and my life. So, as you can see, I'm not ascribing some supernatural power in the picture itself. But it was a representation of the creepy, inhuman and lonely, and sad undertones and overtones of my mother's home.
The pictures are a small thing, but it is representative of the general feeling of unease that both my sister and myself felt at various times. I am not a person who is afraid of the dark. At all. Even as I was growing up I tended to not be fearful of the dark. But sometimes I was. Overwhelmingly. There were times that I could feel that I was not alone. It was not a feeling that was ever-present all through the house, either. I would walk into a particular room and be instantly cold and aware that someone was there. Watching. Darkly malevolent. It would sometimes move to another room.
Maybe we had bad luck and always moved into "haunted" houses, you may say. Uh, no. I don't think so. The last home that I lived in with my parents was built by them. Brand-spanking new. No, it wasn't built on top of some ancient grave site. My parents still live there some 30 years later. That house is filled with the same creepy vibes all
my mother's homes had. The common denominator is my mother. What is interesting is that this house my parents built and still live in has creeped out other adults
. People who had no idea what my childhood was like. No mention by me of the scary feelings in my mother's home. They have commented on how they felt the very same things I have described here...like the place was haunted. No one sees ghosts. It isn't like that. It is a sense of a cold, malevolent spirit. One that watches and follows you. One that wishes you ill.
Even though I have been visited by this evil presence, I do not experience any of these things outside of my mother's home or presence. It is obvious, therefore, that I am not the magnet for this malevolent spirit. She is. She is the doorway that opens the crypt from which these evil supernatural presences walk freely. Think of it what you will. There is ample evidence that there is a supernatural realm and some supernatural beings are evil. I also think there is some kind of familial connection with evil spirits. I think when a parent invites evil presences into their life by their conscious decisions that these evil things attempt to lay claim to the children.
I have commented in another post
that when dealing with malignant narcissism you are dealing with spiritual realities. Pardon me for quoting myself, but here goes:
~~~~~~You are going to need a sense of moral and psychological strength in order to oppose the destructive spiritual and emotional force of the malignant narcissist. Whether or not you are a religious person, you need to realize that the malignant narcissist carries with them a malignant spirit. The second meaning of the word spiritual is what I'm describing:concerned with or affecting the spirit or soul.
This is the realm that the narcissist almost entirely operates in. This also explains one reason it is so hard to nail down the evil these people engage in. They move primarily in the spiritual realm. Which means much of what they do seems nearly intangible. Nailing them down resembles trying to nail Jello to the wall. What they do profoundly affects your spirit. When you've tried to explain the effects on your own spirit and the evidence of the spirit of the narcissist, you've often been met with outright skepticism and criticism of you and your motives. This is because people often can not relate to a spirit they've never encountered personally. It is easy enough for them to disbelieve something as ephemeral and intangible as spirit. Who can blame them for being unwilling to believe in the hatefully evil spirit of your mother?
My post here today is a further exploration of the spiritual effects of the malignant narcissist. It may or may not be part of your experience. Nevertheless, this is one way that my mother's spirit has affected me (and many
others in her life) over the years. I describe it in the expectation that I'm not alone in this experience. If you went through something similar you will probably appreciate knowing that someone is willing to try to describe what you too have felt despite the risk of the disbelief of others.
Depending on how this post is received, I may describe some of my mother's night time visits from something frighteningly evil. She has had this night time visitor come for years. Since her childhood it has been a love/hate relationship between her and this visitor.
If you can't relate to this post it really doesn't matter. It is not necessary to have experienced anything like this or to believe other's experiences like this in order to understand and deal with narcissists. This is just a sort of side street excursion. It will be relevant to some and just curiously weird to others. To those for who just find this wacky and weird...thanks for your indulgence.