Monday, February 04, 2008

Narcissist Suck Comment Policy [UPDATED]


I want to thank you all for your great comments. As each of you tell a piece of your history and experience it expands the knowledge base of this blog. I don't respond to very many comments because time limits me, but I always wish I could. Sometimes I just want to say, "Wow, amazing". When some of you thank me for what I've written it confirms that the effort has been very worthwhile. I appreciate all your words of appreciation. I also am very aware that I deserve very little credit. You all are doing the hard work in your own lives. Each of you are searching for answers (which leads you to places like my blog), each of you are having to do the effort to make huge changes in your lives. My admiration goes outward to each of you for the changes you are making. I have made similar changes...believe me, I know how difficult and heart-wrenching those changes can be as you are going through them. Facing reality hurts, but in the long run it heals. I feel a kinship with each of you.

I have made a firm decision as it relates to comments on my blog. I have decided that I do not need to be a host to drive-by snipers on my character. If a commenter has a substantive disagreement with an idea of mine I will very likely post it...if I feel I haven't already made my position on it very clear. I am never, ever offended by someone disagreeing with my positions as long as they've given me a fair hearing and are not ignoring what I've said or twisting my words. These types of substantive comments are entirely different than someone who chooses to make me, personally, into the problem. If someone disagrees with my ideas and my usually well-stated and logical positions then take issue with the position itself. Don't make it about me and my person. When someone attacks personality rather than the substance of the idea itself...it is proof positive they have no truth to bring to the table. Therefore, I am under no obligation to host their bile on my own blog.

So, for anyone who hates me personally...I am fine with that. Hate me all you want to. But from now on you'll have to host your comments on your forum or blog. I may or may not see it. If I see it, I may or may not choose to address it. My call. No more comments will be approved by me which are not on topic to the focus of this blog. Nasty, drive-by snipes upon me personally do not add substantively to the subject matter. You snipers can tell yourselves all you want that my not approving your comments is some kind of bad reflection on me. Suit yourselves. Reasonable people can understand my logical stance on this and would not think less of me for not allowing trolling, anonymous, drive-by snipers take pot shots at me.

There ya have it. This is Narcissists Suck comment policy. Like it or lump it.

UPDATE (June 24, 2008): Recent trends in the comments reveals the need for me to further define the rules.

This is a blog. This is not a forum. The purpose of the comments section on a blog post is to comment on the content of the post not on any old thing that comes into your head as you type. My comments section is not a place to grandstand or get on your own hobby horse. If you have no comment on the issues brought up in the post then you need to sit on your fingers.

This blog is my personal property. You do not have an unrestricted right to say anything you wish to here. The comment section is a privilege not a right.

1)If you disagree with someone and can't find a way to do so graciously...then be assured your comment will not see the light of day.

2) If I don't like a comment for any other reason it will also be moderated out. The archives of this blog will bear out that I am generous in my comment policy. I will still be generous, but I will also stop ignoring the niggling concerns I have about certain comments because my gut is usually right on target. I have consistently regretted it when I have dismissed my concerns.

So...if you find your comments moderated out, sorry. Decisions are final. I have labored for untold hours on this blog. There are now hundreds of posts. Those posts represent uncountable hours of labor on my part. I have made every effort to make this blog a quality web site. It will not get dragged down in the comments. The comments, if they do not add to the quality of this blog, are outta there. The quality of my blog attests to the fact that I have some idea of what quality is. If your comment doesn't measure up to my standard, that is the way the cookie crumbles. I expect people to act like grown-ups about it.

Again, this is not a forum. This is a blog. The blog posts have a comment section. Comments are designed to be comments on the blog post content not a jumping off point to talk about whatever pops into your head. Occasionally comments can veer slightly off the topic at hand as natural segues and I have been lenient on that. I will still choose to occasionally be lenient on that. My call, not yours.

Once you hit "publish" your comment becomes the property of this blog. I may post it or not, but since you never know for sure then assume it will get posted. If you want assured privacy then send an email.

I appreciate that most people behave quite properly in the comments. This update is for the few who can't figure out the obvious.

[icon by mysticxf]

18 comments:

holy water salt said...

I think it's fair not to publish personal attacks against oneself.

Doing so, is like living with a narcissist all over again!!

I do like your blog very much,only thing better would be a documentary. Can you imagine reviewing your life on tape, based on what you know now?

Naive No Longer said...

I think the way that you cut through the bull in a swordlike fashion (with the truth) is what saved me. Literally.

The piercing quality of "truth" presents a dividing line and one has to decide which side of the line they want to be on. Those not ready or unwilling to look at or deal with the truth of their reality for whatever reason will either quit reading your blog and go around the mountain a few more times until they hopefully get to a place where they are ready to deal with and make the tough decisions that come with embracing tough truths.

Or... they will attack you, the bearer of the news they refuse and are unwilling to "hear".

Or, of course, they are narcissistic themselves, have somehow found their way to your blog, and are only acting true to form.

I applaud your decision to protect yourself from attack on your personhood.

I thank God for your blog and for you. It has been like a strong hand reaching down, grabbing hold of me, and pulling me out of the thick mire I was unable to fully extricate myself from. Truly.

Thank you.

gena said...

I just want to say that your site has helped me SO MUCH! You have put into words what I have been struggling to get across to my husband for years. In my case my issue is my MIL. I have printed out many of your blogs (my favorite is the one about forgiveness) and my husband has decided he wants to read what you write as well in order to get more info on dealing with his N Mom.(he hasn't completely cut her out yet, though he does recognize she is an Narcissist.

It was so comforting to me to read what you had to say about not having to forgive just because you are made to feel guilty. In my case I have decided to NOT forgive my MIL and I had to deal with all the things you described that would happen. True to form she said I was "holding a grudge',
'not putting the past in the past like she has' ect.

Thank you so much for your wonderful web site. I feel such a sense of validation when I read your blogs.

krl said...

What is the definition of 'insanity'? Something like: Doing the same thing over and over again...expecting different results? Exactly.

The best thing I have learned from this blog is to STOP the 'insanity'. To STOP treating the N 'fairly'...to STOP giving her 'the benefit of the doubt'....to STOP believing that 'she didn't mean it'....to STOP thinking that 'she just doesn't know any better' etc. I'm not IN THIS TO TRY HARDER AT WHAT I'VE ALREADY EXHAUSTED! I'm in this to CHANGE what????? WHAT ISN'T WORRRKKKKIIINNNNNGGGGGG!

Thank you ANNA....and I thank ALL of you for calling shit..shit... and for being REAL and HONEST....for breaking the Silences...for exposing the Elephants in your Living Rooms...and for sharing it with the rest of us. Not a blog nor a post goes by that I don't find an 'AHAAAA! The same thing happened to ME!'

And better yet? Not one bolt of lightning has struck me dead for 'talking against my mother'. (I didn't realize I was actually afraid of that very thing...hmmmm. Wonder who I got THAT fear from?)

krl

Anonymous said...

I have no idea where that person [who criticized you] was coming from, but all I will say is that it sounded pretty familiar to things I've heard my whole life from 'other people' while I was dealing with crazy making N's. Describing real interactions with N's to the uninformed outsider and we can be accused of being petty, too sensitive, "reading into things", crazy etc or at best just mistaken. N's are not the only ones to accuse us of those things, I've gotten it from nice friends too. Problem is, N's don't tend to DO anything that can easily be explained and understood if other people are not either really knowledgeable about N's or already very sensitive and aware about human dynamics in the first place. Or open to seeing that particular person in a bad light. If anyone is looking to discredit our experiences and see the N as innocent, it is all too easy. N's almost never do things that can be easily described and understood by the average outsider.

This is why a forum like this is so crucial. Because the reality we KNOW we did experience will be understood and validated by others. The group recognition found here on your blog of the subtleties that are a N on the make is very important.

N's "win" as long as IMAGE can beat FEELING, and as long as we have our gut feelings successfully discredited. About your decision to leave off unproductive comments: yeah, why not? As horrible and real as the effects of N are, the actions of N's are often nebulous and hard to pin down. Why add people to the discussion who call into question your subjective experiences and by default side with the N's? I know I've had enough of that already. What I really appreciate here is the feeling that finally, I can read about people's similar experiences and we are all calling it what it IS, vs what it is supposed to "seem" on the surface....

moving on.. said...

exactly. anyone bashing you, personally, has bigger issues at hand. it sounds like you've got possible miffed n's in the flock, if you'd ask me.

i truly am sooo very greatful i found your site, and you do deserve credit for all that you do. we would have never gone nc, had we not found your site. thank you for opening our eyes with the truth about narcissim.

h.

Anonymous said...

Are there reasons other than what you have stated that would prevent comments from being published? Just asking because my comments never appeared, and I believe they were on topic and in the spirit of this blog. I have a very N family and can relate to everyone here.

I think it would be helpful for readers to know if there are certain things to avoid.
Sorry, this is not to criticize, because it is your blog to run as you see fit, but it is a little disappointing to be left out and not know why.

I hope you will publish this for anyone else who might be in this position.

Thank you, this is still an interesting site.

Anonymous said...

Re: NNL's comment:

Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach when I read about Ns on this blog. But read I must. Knowledge is power. Power is a threat to those who want to control others. So I read...

Anna Valerious said...

Yes. I recently didn't approve a comment that got into some of the finer details of doctrinal beliefs that would only tend to be inflammatory to probably many people. This being said, I completely agreed with this person's stated beliefs. In fact, I can pinpoint the denomination of this person because I am of the same one! But the conclusions presented in the comment are not ones generally understood by people. So, no, in the sense that I would have to turn this blog into a series of studies on Bible prophecy...the comment was not on the general theme of this blog.

I don't know if you are the person who wrote this comment or not. If not, then perhaps it was a Blogger glitch. Those things happen. I likely never got the comment. I have only not approved two or three comments in the last several months. One was the one mentioned above. Another was directed at me personally. The other I can't remember what the content was.

I never want to marginalize any commenter who is sincere and earnest, so please trust me that I'm not in any way trying to marginalize anyone. I carefully guard the confines of the subject matter because I want to maintain credibility by staying what is knowable about NPD. I will not allow the blog to become sidetracked on what is, ultimately, a completely different topic. Other than the reasons listed in my recent post, the only other reason I won't approve a message is if I feel it isn't on topic. People's subjective experiences with Ns is always on topic here.

Please, if you feel like you made an on topic comment and never see it appear...re-post it. There is always the option of emailing me to inquire. I recommend to every one that when you write up a comment, copy and paste it before hitting the publish button. This way you have a copy of what you wrote so you can re-post it if necessary, or email me asking about it. Most likely, though, if it didn't get posted it is because I never got it! I know copy and paste is an annoying extra step, but it will help to make sure your comments don't get lost in the internet ether.

Anonymous said...

Anna,

Your blog has been a valuable adjunct to books and the work I've done with my Christian therapist in my decision to go "no contact". I did it this past Saturday morning with my Mom and Dad (Malignant Narcissist and Co-Narcissist, respectively). It confirmed they have not and will not change - my Mom even tried to smack me across the face, like when I was a kid. When she did, I protected my face and gently grabbed her arm and said, "Mom, you're not going to beat me up anymore!". After a couple of days of processing this, I feel great! My Mom is 81 and I'm 55. How sick is that?

I had a real hard time with coming to this decision. I often process through music, and the best song I have found is on Johnny Cash's "American V: A Hundred Highways". The song is "God's Gonna Cut you Down", an old traditional spiritual. Hear it on YouTube with the associated video at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e0EQlQXoEo

It and God helped to give me strength to do the confrontation and start to heal. Johnny tells it straight, just like you do with your blog. (Song and video came out in 2006, three years after Johnny's death.) I think it should be the theme song for anyone contemplating confronting their parents and going "no contact".

Anna, keep up the fantastic work you are doing, and I truly believe it's a ministry for the broken ACON soul! And remember, someone can "run on for a long time, but sooner or later..."

jordie said...

I have decided not to post negative or offensive comments on my blog also. Same reasons. My blog is about helping people recover from spiritual abuse and exposing evil which has never, and I MEAN never (the cult has been going for decades) had an airing over the internet.

I figure if the blog turns into a slanging match, or I spend all my time justifying or protecting myself publically, people will not feel comfortable about being there.

I guess that makes the blog look like a suck-up fest, and I am well aware that can be just as off-putting to some, but the alternative is to post venomous comments from cult members who have already had their say on their own public forum (ie the church pulpit - congregation over 1000), and in my life for the last 20 years.

My blog is my voice, which it has taken me 40 years to find.

Anna Valerious said...

Jordie,

Thank you for sharing this. I was wondering what your policy on this was the other day and almost emailed you to ask.

Yes, I felt hesitant about just posting the positive comments, which is why I've approved some nasty ones over the course of my blogging here. But the reality is, 99.9% of the comments are positive. So I'm not misrepresenting anything by only allowing on-topic and decent comments through.

I completely agree with all your other points too. These things have all been going through my own head. Frankly, if I feel that a negative comment actually contributes to the discussion, then I would post it. But when the comment is simply an attempt to cut me down or shut me down then there is nothing positive in that for anyone. Except the jerk who gets a thrill out of being a jerk. I'm not interested in offering myself and my blog up for the entertainment of small-minded people.

I'm so glad you are not letting the evil cult leaders to have their say on your blog. Like you so well point out...they've had their say for years. It is time for you and their other victims to finally have an uninterrupted voice. Good for you! I do not envy your position. In my estimation, some of the worst of the worst in N-land are the spiritual narcissists because they have so much power to destroy both the lives and souls of people. You are a brave soul. You have my total support.

Anna Valerious said...

anonymous @ Feb 5, 2008 11:14:00 AM:

That music video of the J. Cash song is powerful. I can see why it speaks so well to your situation. All of our situations! Thanks for sharing that. My hearty congratulations on going No Contact. Makes my day!

Thank you to you...and to everyone...for your kind remarks toward me. It means a lot. :o)

Naive No Longer said...

I didn't know Jordie had a blog. Would you mind posting the link?

jordie said...

Does this comment thing do links?

I have never been able to work out how you get them up.

Anyway.....Jordie's blog...

brisbanechristianfellowship.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Anna,

Unfortunately, I ahve been snowed under with work and have not been able to comment, but I have been skimming your blog when I get the chance. This was a pity, as the idea of the inverted narc is one I wanted to comment on and I hope I get an opportunity to in the future. The reason this is important to me is because sometimes the difference between an invert and enabler is very hard to perceive.

Regarding the attack, IIRC it was anonymously done. Pretending for a minute that they actually had a point, to state that your reaction made you no better than an N was ridiculous. It was nothing more than an ad-hominem attack done by someone without the guts to identify themselves.

Actually, I agree with your daughter's action. If I had brought someone into the home of people who cherished me and that someone was disrespectful I would probably take the same action. No-one deserves to be "dissed" in their own home! Your blog is also your own property.

Be assured that if I disagree with anything anyone says, I will state my point respectfully and will always sign my name to it.

-Cassandra

P.S. The only reason I am not signing into my account is because I have limited computer time presently

Anonymous said...

Anna:

I am a new reader to your blog. I discovered you when I googled "Kathy Krajco" and discovered that she unexpectedly died which I am very saddened by.

I married a wonderful and beautiful girl who is the healthy (and thus ostracized)daughter of a family of narcissists, especially the mother and sisters.

I discovered Kathy Krajco and her wonderful ebook and became a fan of hers just before her death.

I am very grateful to have discovered your blog. You understand this evil character disorder as well as anyone that I have encountered (via blog).

Please continue in this great work.

I am truly your grateful fan. God bless you!

Tim

harry owen said...

Really, really grateful for this blog... as it happens,my significant other seems to have aweakness for malignant narcissists... Three of them in her life have caused me agreat deal of sorrow, and done her harm, too. I understand better after reading, nut mostly I have a question... how do I make them go away? what do one do when a loved one is in thrall to a narcissist?