Thanksgiving -- The Holiday Narcissists Will Never "Get"

One of the bedrock fundamental realities of a narcissist is their absolute refusal to be grateful. For anything.

Think about it. When have you seen true gratitude demonstrated by the narcissist?

Their lack of gratitude is the natural result of their extreme covetousness. They must have it all. All the love, regard, and attention. Especially your share. Every faculty of their mind is focused on this quest to have it all. All the other sins of the narcissist spring from this persistent and pervasive covetousness. Because they must have it all they become predatory. They stalk all sources of human warmth and kindness so as to make sure you don't get a sliver of it...unless they decide to stingily pass a crumb of it to you. That way you have to be grateful to them for anything you have. If there is to be any gratitude in the room it is coming from you and going toward the narcissist. Never the other way around. It is this predation of what rightfully belongs to others that defines their malignancy. Their covetousness leads straight to theft and murder.

The last commandment in the BIG 10 (found in Exodus 20) is usually perceived in the negative...don't covet this, don't covet that, etc. But when turned 180 degrees, the last commandment shows another facet. It is a positive command to be grateful for what you have. Thankfulness is the antidote to the sins that follow in the wake of ingratitude. It protects you and those around you from the negative results that always follow when we are ungrateful. A covetous spirit can lead you to violate the spirit and letter of all the other commandments. If cherished, it will lead to the destruction of the soul. Our narcissists are the living example of this reality. Read Romans chapter 1 with this truth in mind. Paul introduces his letter to the Roman Christians with a picture of the debasing sins of humanity which begins with a spirit of ingratitude. (vs.21). Read verses 28-31 and see if that isn't a description of the behaviors demonstrated by the malignant narcissist.

One of the narcissist's illusion models springs directly from their ingratitude. This illusion is their sense of total self-sufficiency. They need no one. They pretend all day long that they are sufficient to themselves. This thinking is the path to complete degradation of body, mind and soul (see Romans 1). Because they don't need you, they don't appreciate you. They aren't grateful for anything you do for them either. Anything you do for them was theirs by right. You were only fulfilling your duty. (Or they ascribe selfish motives to your generosity. "You're really doing this for yourself.") Lack of gratitude for the kindnesses bestowed upon us is an ugly, selfish and grotesque thing. It warps our hearts and souls to persistently practice this kind of ingratitude. Anytime you need an example of this truth just look at the narcissist again. There it is. Hideous spirit, is it not?

Because the malignant narcissist is not thankful for anything this means they are incapable of truly entering into the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday. It is bereft of meaning or depth for them. It only represents a day off, food, and opportunity to gather the family together so as to feed off their humanity. At its core the holiday is antithetical to the spirit, nature and practice of the malignant narcissist.

I encourage each of you to enter into a spirit of gratitude this Thanksgiving. Even if the narcissist is still in your life and attempting to create havoc...take the week off of thinking about them and their evil little ways and focus on every single thing you have to be thankful for. Even if all you can think of to be thankful for is the air you breathe and sun that warms your face. Even the poorest on this planet have reasons for gratitude.

Once you start counting your blessings the list tends to get longer and longer. This leaves you with a full heart and a sense of quiet joy. A heart full of joy and a sense of fulfillment is something the narcissist never feels. So spend some time this week enjoying what they can't. In doing so, you'll set yourself so far apart from the narcissist that they may as well be from another planet. It is a spiritual experience...one that can be experienced regardless of what circumstances you find yourself in or regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).

Prove to yourself this week how different your spirit is from that of the narcissist. Be grateful. Deeply and profoundly grateful. Thanksgiving is our holiday. The narcissist is left out in the cold. The cold of their darkened and selfish hearts.

Two More Ways to Avoid Thanking Someone Sincerely

Another situation where thanks are the usual way to respond is when a compliment is given. The narcissist will often have a problem receiving the compliment with the normal response of "thank you". Enter here the next manifestation of the inability to thank: protestation.

They commonly counterpoise a compliment with a protestation that they do not deserve it. Or they may dismiss a genuine accolade as insincere flattery, or even appear annoyed that the complimenter appears to think they would appreciate an admiring remark...

The narcissistically motivated person doesn't even need your compliments....except, the truth is, they do need them. They simply can't let you know that fact, and they are trying to not know that fact themselves.

Then there is the "Converse Manifestations" where you throw everything described previously out because the narcissist may choose to deflect thanks in an opposite sense: by over-thanking.

As in all things psychodynamic, the opposite behavior may indicate a problem in accepting dependency or vulnerability. Some people compulsively over thank, or over apologize, in a manner that suggests as much underlying discomfort with the inner state of indebtedness to others as we are postulating in those who resist thanking and apologizing. Denial of Remorse & Gratitude

I like that the author of this article tells the reader to pay attention to their inner state of discomfort in this situation as it is a signal to you that something is wrong. When someone over-thanks or over-apologizes to the point that you start feeling squirmy then trust that your instincts are onto a screwy dynamic. This person hates feeling indebted to you. Deal accordingly.

More on Gratitude Substitutions by Narcissists

I'm going to briefly summarize another way a narcissist....or "narcissistically defended" person....avoids showing gratitude. Being able to recognize what is happening will allow you to stop contributing to the negative dynamic in your relationship with the narcissist.

The next anomaly is that of "reversing roles".

This tendency to respond to a solicitous inquiry with "Okay" or "Sure" or the posture of equivalent solicitude typifies a narcissistically protective interaction. The assumed position is, "You're the one with the needs here, not me; but I'm such a good person I'll humor you." Denial of Remorse & Gratitude

These people are so god-like in their own minds that the act of asking a favor, or even accepting an offered favor, is considered to be an act of humiliation, so they twist things around so that your offering a favor is actually them granting you a favor. Doesn't get more upside down than that. Upside down is pretty much the description of life with a narcissist. Black is white. Right is wrong. In is out. This is yet another manifestation of the upside-down dealings of the narcissist in everyday life.

The Narcissist's Inability to Thank

Now we move on to the denial of gratitude in the second part of the article, "Denial of Remorse and Gratitude". A relationship with a narcissist is filled with many complexities, yet those complexities are only variations on a theme once you learn the music. The relationship is dysfunctional beyond all description, yet it can be described once you understand the basic principles that motivate the narcissist. While descriptions of the narcissist are helpful in sorting out the mess, this little expose on the narcissist's inability to show true remorse or gratitude goes a long way toward explaining what is twisted in the everyday dynamic of a relationship with them. The two tools that lubricate human relationships are apologies and gratitude. They are essential components needed to keep intimacy intact. The narcissist's non-apologies and refusal to give gratitude increase the emotional distance and cause irreparable damage to the relationship over time. If we can recognize what is really happening as it is happening then we can quit contributing to the problem. We contribute to the problem by pretending to ourselves that we've really received an apology or a genuine expression of thanks. Then we beat ourselves up because we don't feel like things were made right therefore we feel cold and distant from the other person. We blame ourselves which makes us less able to see where the problem really is.

The article describes the bait and switch of "conferring approval". You get a pat on the back along with a granting of approval for how you did something, but no "thank you" is in sight. You may get fooled by the flattery of someone telling you that you did a good job and wrongly assume they are expressing thanks. Think again. Only a person who is more knowledgeable, more skilled, or more experienced can confer approval on you for what you've done or accomplished. It is from a position of superiority from which we dispense approval. "You did a good job" versus "I appreciate what you've done". One is a pat on the head, the other appreciation for a favor received. If someone is giving you a pat on the head stop and ask yourself if they are in a position of superiority in that area over you. A teacher/student relationship, a parent/minor child relationship, employer/employee relationship can be appropriate for the conferral of approval on your deeds. But in a relationship of equals such as a friend, spouse, co-worker, church member, etc., one needs to assess whether or not the receipt of approval is appropriate for what you've done. Did you do them a favor? Then thanks are in order, not a comment of approval issued down from on high. Recognize the condescension inherent in the conferral of approval from an equal. The message couldn't be clearer. They don't need you in any way. In some way you owed it to them....they only are acknowledging receipt of what was due. They feel generous while they pat you on the head; in their minds that pat is more than you deserve. The narcissist can only remain in a relationship where both you and he treat him as superior in all ways. This makes genuine gratitude on his part impossible. He doesn't need you....he bequeaths you with the honor of his presence. You show him gratitude by doing nice things for him. Its the least you can do.

Narcissists and the Denial of Remorse and Gratitude

Why the narcissist can't say "I'm sorry" or "thank you" in a way that feels real to you....

I found this article extremely helpful and insightful so I'm going to continue to comment on some of the content here.

There seems to be in all of us a disposition not to acknowledge how much we need others. Similarly, we all seem to have some fundamental discomfort admitting to mistakes and failures.....For the purpose of this essay, the aspects of the grandiose self that we wish to emphasize includes its being without need and without sin. A transaction will be considered as essentially narcissistic insofar as its main goal seems to be the shoring up of a sinless, needless self-concept. There follow some examples of everyday behavior suggesting the unconscious operation of a grandiose self-representation, followed by a discussion of everyday-life pathology around apologizing and thanking.

The premise of this essay is laid out above. I am very pleased that someone took the time and effort to analyze the effect in everyday life, as experienced by the victims, of the narcissistic need to preserve the illusion of perfection and sinlessness and how this renders the narcissist incapable of expressing true remorse or true gratitude. The various ways the narcissist denies these important transactions that lubricate social life are described well in the essay. I have experienced almost every aspect they describe. The same is probably true for you. I recommend you read the essay for yourself.

In a loving relationship perceived as temporarily damaged by one party's hunger or aggression, the (actual or fantasied) injuring party ordinarily seeks to restore the loving tone of the relationship. In adults, the usual vehicle is the apology.

What intrigues us about the reparation process when a narcissistic defense is operating is that what is repaired is not the damage to the relationship, but the subject's illusion of perfection.

How many times have you beat yourself up for not feeling like you can forgive the narcissist? Well, you can stop accusing yourself and realize that you've been denied true remorse and reparation from the narcissist which is why you feel so empty and distanced after receiving some version of an apology that was anything but an apology. What follows are some descriptions of various ways a narcissist appears to apologize while actually denying you an apology. It is sleight of hand. You've been duped to some extent. Your head tells you that you received an apology and therefore everything should be set right now, but your heart feels alienated and unmoved. Something was missing and somewhere you sense that. Hopefully, this article can explain why that is.

The first method of avoiding an apology is described as "undoing". Rather than come out and admit what they said or did was wrong, the narcissist will attempt to undo the wrong by doing something for you. Take you out to dinner, buy you something, sex, fill in the blank. If you are on the receiving end of the "undoing", you may still feel upset and hurt and may reject the advance. Or you may acquiesce by accepting the gift or action and conceal your feelings. You will still feel lonely and distanced because no true remorse was expressed. There is a cumulative effect of repeated "undoing" on a relationship that will ultimately result in alienation.

Never confuse "undoing" for a real apology. The act of "undoing" is how the narcissist avoids admitting to any imperfection on their part while they try to usher back in an atmosphere of reconciliation by getting you to drop your complaint. They are trying to buy you off. If you accept their "gift" in whatever form it takes, they will assume that all is well again. Meanwhile, you feel like crap.

Next post we'll look at the methods of "appealing to good intentions" and "explaining" as two more ways you can be denied a real apology.

Criticism and the Narcissist

or how the narcissist makes you the problem

There is an interesting article published in 1990 in a psychology journal that I'd like to reference in this and upcoming posts. Parts of the article are more interesting than others so I'll summarize some of them in my own words. The parts of this article that I plan to highlight here on my blog are those concepts that I've personally seen and experienced. If I've seen and experienced it, then it is likely you have too.

One of the concepts this article visits is the subject of criticism as used by the narcissist. One of the terms this article uses is "narcissistically defended person". What this means is that the person is either a narcissist, or they have adopted narcissistic defenses even if their over-all personality can not be classified as someone with NPD. So, some of the behaviors can be seen in a person who can not be reasonably classified as having the full-blown disorder of narcissism. But, I'm here to tell ya, it is likely you will see most, if not all, of the behaviors in a narcissist.

One of the ways that the "narcissistically defended person" avoids making reparations in a relationship is by making you the problem. One vehicle for this process is criticism. There are several ways that you open yourself up to criticism from the narcissist:

He may see you as an extension of himself therefore any imperfection in you is a reflection on him and threatens his view of himself as being perfect. "Grandiose self", as the professionals refer to it, is under threat when you fall short of his expectations.

Or you can disappoint him by not being the perfect counterpoise to his grand self. He expects you to be effortlessly all-knowing and all empathic. You are expected to perceive his needs, his wants, his thoughts without him ever having to ask you to. This, of course, preserves his delusion of himself that he is god-like.

As long as he doesn't have to ask you for something he can pretend he doesn't need you.
This is very important to this discussion. His grandiose view of himself doesn't allow him to admit to himself that he needs anybody. Even those who could not be considered narcissistic can have a hard time admitting to needing others. It is sort of the human condition. With the narcissist, though, it is carried to an extreme. It is this unbending conviction that they need no one that makes either true gratitude or true remorse impossible for him to give to you. I'll elaborate on that more in another post.

What I'm talking about today is how you are set up by the narcissist for criticism. Not only does admitting to having needs of his own threaten his god-like status, but your expressing a need that you want the narcissist to fulfill, or your telling him how you feel about something he has said or done, puts a target on your head. Zap. You hardly know what hit you. He can turn it around on you in an instant.

Example: a narcissist who is nurturing a grandiose vision of herself as a spiritual paragon of virtue is asked to admit that she gossiped about you. Rather than admit to being a gossip she will tell you that she only stated the truth about you and apparently you can't handle the truth being said. Because there some truth in her gossip, you suddenly feel like you have no right to expect an apology or restitution. The narcissist successfully transfers attention from their defects of character to your alleged defects. You were disarmed because of the smidgen of truth in the accusations.

In psychological terms, the narcissist pathologizes you in order to preserve the false grand image of themselves. In the wake of the narcissistic attack you are left feeling like you are bad. This is related to the idea of projection. You challenged their god-like and perfect image in some way, so they are compelled to transfer their unconscious sense of badness onto you in order to render themselves without fault or imperfection. This is very destructive to you.

Something the article focuses on is how the narcissist can do this pathologizing of you all the more effectively if they are versed in psychoanalytic terms and processes. This can be someone who works in the field of psychology or simply someone who has immersed themselves in pop psychology books. I have experienced this personally with my sister. She became a much more adept manipulator, much more subtle manipulator, after she'd spent some time studying a Christian psychology-based course. After that she was always diagnosing everyone else's supposed faults and became very adept at pathologizing anyone who dared to contradict her in any way. Because she can sound so authoritative and use professional sounding terms to pathologize her victims, the victims are usually rendered voice-less and condemned without any hope of appeal. Not to mention the extra power of using a Christianized form of psychology to keep people subjected spiritually and morally as well as emotionally. I hate Christian psychology. It is mis-used much more than people like to admit.

There is a growing understanding out there among the professionals that traditional psychological methods tend to worsen personality-disordered individuals rather than help them for the same reasons that I have observed in my sister; the personality-disordered person uses the information to improve their manipulation skills, not to correct their own character defects. Keep this in mind if you are toying with the idea of dragging the narcissist into therapy with you. Chances are you will end up with a bigger problem on your hands than you started with.

Above are described some of the ways you can find yourself cut down and cut to pieces by a narcissist's projection and criticism so you can avoid this dance. You don't have to participate in the narcissist's attempts to annihilate you and thereby preserve their grand selves. The narcissist's criticism is their defense against any and all hints that they are less than God Himself. The narcissist's efforts to transfer all fault onto you is not about you. It is about him. You are simply a tool to prop up his false image. I hope this makes you feel used because that is the reality of it. Which brings me to my constant refrain: get the hell away from the alien freak. Save yourself before it is too late.