They DO Have Empathy...Just Not For You

If you've done much research on malignant narcissism you've seen it stated that narcissists (and psychopaths) lack empathy. This is only partially true -- not because of what it states but because of what it omits. To say they lack empathy is erroneous because most will take that to mean the narcissist lacks empathy in any capacity. They are capable of empathy, but like everything else having to do with the narcissist their empathy is perverted.

Narcissists have vast reservoirs of compassion (which is an outgrowth of empathy). Here's the problem though. All that compassion is turned inward i.e. used completely selfishly. They save their empathy for themselves. You, on the other hand, are out of luck.

On the geocities webpage where the author Chris brilliantly outlines "Characteristics of Narcissist Mothers" she captures the essential elements of the narcissist's perverted form of empathy. Read it and relate:

Sometimes she seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings, and yet she is brilliantly sensitive to other people’s emotions. Every child of a narcissist recognizes this contradiction because narcissistic mothers do possess the ability to exercise empathy, and in abundance. Sometimes this ability also leads them to identify emotionally with people who are suffering and to express caring for them. When caring about anothers suffering interferes with something the narcissist wants, though, the caring vanishes. When a narcissistic mother wants validation, when she feels like eliciting some emotional pain, when something she wants hurts someone else, the empathy is turned off as though it never existed.

From the perspective of ability, narcissists are extremely empathetic; indeed they have a gift of telling what other people are feeling and thinking. Their skill at discerning and guiding the emotions of other people is the basis of many characteristically narcissistic interactions. Narcissists are very socially adept which is why no one ever believes their children when they complain of their mothers. They know just how to make everyone think that they’re delightful. Narcissistic mothers are exceptional manipulators, and manipulators must be extremely aware, on a moment-by-moment basis, of the emotions of their targets. If you don’t know what people are feeling, you can’t push their buttons. Their exceptional sensitivity to the feelings of others is also the wellspring of their pleasure in inflicting emotional pain through dramas and no-win scenarios. Narcissistic mothers enjoy inflicting emotional pain and they do it very well because they know just what their target children are feeling. That exquisite sensitivity is the reason they don’t need to batter. They can inflict agony without lifting a finger, so why risk exposure and waste effort with beatings when they can elicit the same emotions with words alone?

What narcissistic mothers lack is concern for the consequences of their actions, a behavior that seems rooted in profound selfishness, rather than in the absence of empathy. Mothers with NPD are certainly capable of feeling for others: they’re always feeling for the people with whom their scapegoat has conflicts. They feel for their fellow narcissists. They feel for people who have validated and praised them. They even feel for their child when it doesn’t cost them anything to do so. They just don’t feel for their child when they’re abusing him. They don’t feel anything that interferes with their absorption in their own wants and needs. Because they scour their environment for validation of their own abusiveness, they defend their fellow abusers, so they don’t have any empathy for the victims of those abusers, as the following story shows:

A four-year-old had come to school with a hand print on her face, which had been inflicted as the result of a slap by her mother’s live-in boyfriend. As a mandated reporter my mother had called the authorities, but she told me that she could understand why the boyfriend had hit the child: she was so annoying. Then she said in a dramatic tone dripping with sympathy “You should have seen the parents. They were so ashamed!” In outrage I said “What difference does that make to the child?” Her mouth dropped open and I realized she not only didn’t care at all about that poor little girl…it would never have occurred to her to care.

-Chris

This story shows the misplaced empathy of the abuser for other abusers. There was no empathy in Chris’s mother for the actual victim. Instead it was reserved for the woman who let her boyfriend batter her child. Chris’s mother identified with the abuser, a mother like herself, afflicted with a child who didn’t meet her needs. Her empathy actually attributed virtues to her fellow abuser and faults to the victim that weren’t merited in reality. Someone who hits a small child hard enough to leave a hand print, then sends them to school, isn’t ashamed, and the personality of a four-year-old is not the fault of the child!

The selfish empathy demonstrated by narcissistic mothers contrasts with the genuine empathy shown by normal people. Sometimes a normal person will give up something they really want for themselves because they come to recognize that it will hurt another person. A narcissistic mother will relentlessly go after something she wants even if it isn’t worth the pain she has to inflict to get it.

There are several statements in the above which put the finger on where the perversion has occurred:

When caring about anothers suffering interferes with something the narcissist wants, though, the caring vanishes.

They even feel for their child when it doesn’t cost them anything to do so. They just don’t feel for their child when they’re abusing him. They don’t feel anything that interferes with their absorption in their own wants and needs.

A narcissistic mother will relentlessly go after something she wants even if it isn’t worth the pain she has to inflict to get it.

The moment empathy would require the narcissist to extend herself for another human being, the instant some self-sacrifice would be called for, the minute the narcissist would have to take a stand against evil to protect the innocent is the very time her empathy stops flowing outward. This is absolute proof that the narcissist uses their ability to empathize only to serve themselves. They use their ability to intuit the emotions and reactions of others in order to manipulate them to their own ends. The only other real use of empathy they employ is to expend it generously upon themselves.

Chris has nailed another important point on whom the narcissist will bequeath her empathy: other abusers. This is a fundamentally selfish bestowal of empathy just as much as giving herself undeserved empathy is because by bestowing her empathy to the abuser what she is really doing is granting absolution and empathy for herself. She recognizes the kindred spirit in the other abuser and by excusing their behavior she excuses her own.

When I was forced to admit by dint of my father's letters to me over the summer and fall of 2005 that his sympathy was all for my mother I labeled him an abuser from that point onward. This is because of the bedrock reality that those who excuse abusers are themselves abusive. No matter the appearance of a mild-mannered nature -- if a person excuses abusers it is because there is some space in their minds which accedes to the notion that in at least some cases abuse can be justified. In the case of my father there was some evidence of aptitude for abuse, but it was rare enough that I could easily forget and thereby resume my opinion of him that he was not abusive. His unmitigated support of my mother, his lack of having ever protected myself or my daughter from my mother's abuses, his absolute demand I be the one to apologize, move on and forgive my mother in the absence of any sincere effort on her part to make things right, his unsubtle reminders of the sins of my youth to try to prove I had no right to hold my mother to any account...all these things proved to me once and for all that he is an abuser himself. Only abusers are willing to grant other abusers the right to abuse! It is at its very root a pass they are giving to themselves. Excusing abuse is abuse in itself. It is a red flag that the person has themselves a propensity for abuse. Granting absolution to abusers is always an extremely selfish thing to do; it ignores the humanity of the person abused and preserves compassion for the one doing the abusing and by doing so gives the person excusing the abuse a pass for the abuse they may decide to dish out themselves. Did you follow that sentence? If so, you get a gold star on your paper today.

In another blog post I wrote early this year I talked about the play on your empathy that disordered characters (including psychopaths) exploit: the pity party. The pity party is an exploitation of your empathy. They could only accomplish this by understanding what empathy is on an emotional level themselves. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that the narcissist is incapable of empathy. The harsh reality is that you will only be the recipient of empathy from the narcissist if they feel it will cost them absolutely nothing to give it to you. Those moments will be rare.

Allow yourself to really think about the selfishly evil use of empathy of the narcissist. They use it to know (and enjoy) exactly how they are making you feel as they use and abuse you. That is what we call sadistic. They use it to manipulate you to their own ends. Or else they will use it to feel for their sorry-assed selves. These uses of their ability to empathize are profoundly selfish and often cruel.

There is no merit whatsoever for the fact that the narcissist is indeed fully in possession of the ability to empathize. In fact it is a solid basis for our condemnation of them. They pervert their ability to empathize and use it to selfishly exploit others to their own ends, to find pleasure in the pain they inflict, as well as to grant themselves pity when they least deserve it. If the narcissist was incapable of empathy we could grant them a pass for having some sort of disability. We must acknowledge the reality that the narcissist is all the more evil because they do possess this ability but choose to use it for their own selfish ends against you. They have managed to completely pervert their ability to empathize.

Narcissists are the embodiment of perversion. This is simply another facet of it. They can take any good thing and completely misuse it which is the definition of perversion I'm using, "Wrong, often corrupt use". A broader sense of the term than just sexual perversion as the word is often applied.

I'll close with a statement I wrote to my sister in April 2006. I hope you all will take the same stance with the narcissists in your lives:

"Your compassion you save for mostly you. I don't need to spend my compassion on someone who is so generous with it on themselves."

More Manipulation Tactics: Diversion and Evasion

I refer you from time to time back to the book, In Sheep's Clothing, because it is such a helpful little primer on how the aggressive, character-disordered people among us lead us by the nose to get what they want. Recognition of their tactics can go a long way toward helping us avoid the control and manipulation as it is happening.

Mr. Simon presents what he calls two closely related tactics, 'diversion' and 'evasion'. The first tactic is very much like what the magician does. It is how they perform sleight-of-hand. They get you to focus somewhere other than on what they are actually doing:

Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving agendas. Sometimes this can be very subtle. You may confront your manipulator on a very important issue only to find yourself minutes later wondering how you got on the topic you're talking about then.

He warns us that the manipulator can be very subtle with this tactic. You have to train yourself to recognize when this is happening. Back when I used to watch CourtTV (now TruTV) I started to get good at recognizing when someone on the stand was diverting from the question. The lawyers trained me to listen carefully to an answer to detect when a witness was evading the question. Often the lawyers would point out how their answer was "non-responsive", meaning, whatever the witness just said did not answer to the question. It can be entertaining to recognize when politicians play the same game of distraction and diversion from questions they don't want to get pinned down with because they would find it a political disadvantage to stake out a clear position on some matter. Train yourself to pay attention to whether or not your question is getting answered. Don't let some manipulator distract you and lead you down some other path far from the subject of their misbehavior.

The evasion tactic is:

...closely related to diversion, this is a tactic by which a manipulator tries to avoid being cornered on an issue by giving rambling, irrelevant responses to a direct question or otherwise trying to skirt an issue.

Yet again, politicians are real virtuosos at this one. If you need practice at studying this tactic just watch the politician who is trying to keep themselves from accountability. Obama has been a perfect case study on this lately with his pastor's America-bashing, white-hating sermons coming to light. Obama has been dodging, weaving, and blame-shifting all over the place as he attempts to manipulate the public into thinking that there is nothing wrong with his pastor, and nothing wrong with him for sitting in his pastor's church for the last 20 years.

A subtle, but effective form of evasion is the deliberate use of vagueness. Covert-aggressives are adept at giving vague answers to the simplest, most direct questions. You have to have a sensitive ear for this. Sometimes the vagueness is not so pronounced and you think you have an answer when in fact you don't.

Note again that this can be a very subtle tactic, and you have to train yourself to catch it. We can get tripped up this way by the manipulators we are in relationships with. They will often offer us vague answers or even promises into which we insert what we want it to mean. Not what it actually means. Which is nothing. Which brings me back to Obama. His whole campaign has been a study in vagueness. He has convinced millions he is the 2nd Coming because they think they know what he is saying as he promises 'hope' and 'change'. Those two words contain no information. Yet people insert into those vague words what they want it to mean. I have been marveling for a full year now at how people can hear nothing substantive and yet think they know what this man stands for. I am not saying, by the way, that Obama is a narcissist. I am saying he is using some tried and true manipulation tactics.

Narcissists are very often covertly-aggressive in their dealings with others. In other words, they are constantly fighting for their own way, but they are sneaky about it. We don't immediately recognize when someone is fighting with us to win. If you read under the label of "manipulation tactics" on this blog you'll find some other commonly used tactics by narcissists and other character-disordered types which are nothing more than how they covertly fight you to get what they want. Learn to recognize when you're in a fight. You can better defend yourself that way.

By the way, you may or may not have noticed how I have assiduously avoided talking politics on this blog. I intend it to remain that way. I really have no dog in this fight for the presidency this time around. So, my comments about Obama are not fueled by my giving a flying fig who wins. I am objectively watching this round of politics and seeing Obama from a dispassionate viewpoint. Just sayin'...when the shoe fits... I will not approve comments that become too political and attempt to defend one candidate or another. This ain't the venue. If you don't agree with my observations on how he's been behaving then hashing it out here won't change either of our minds. Just take this information and learn to apply it to the manipulative creeps in your own lives so you can better avoid being taken for a ride by the unscrupulous. By the way, I've seen all three candidates using these tactics. Obama is just the most recent and obvious example.

You can practice learning how to hear when someone is diverting or evading by either watching real court room action or politicians in action. Both are opportunities for practice that allow you to stand outside of the fray, not get swept up in your own emotions because no one is fighting with you or manipulating you face to face. These are a couple of safe places for batting practice. You can hone your skills so the next time you're up against a real-life manipulator you will be better prepared.

Can You be Manipulated with Gifts? It's Up to You.

Maria asked me to comment on the tactic of manipulation often employed by narcissists: gifts or the promise of gifts. I've held off on this topic in the past because I'm not sure people want to know my thoughts on this subject especially since I put the complete onus on the receiver, not the giver. Anyway, I'll forge ahead. If you don't like what I say...you'll just have to cope.

This tactic relies on certain vulnerabilities in the target. Namely, either a lack of a sense of self-sufficiency or covetousness. Dependency or greed. An examination of the lure of gifts is really about the receiver more than the "giver". No one can manipulate you with gifts or the promise of gifts if you are self-reliant and have a lock-box on your greed button.

From where I sit, the question boils down to this: what do you value most? For me the answer has always been freedom. There is no gift...or promise of some future gift...that will entice me away from my autonomy and freedom. I would rather live under a bridge and have my freedom than have an illusion of security or wealth given to me by a narcissist along with the gigantic baggage of obligation that comes along with it. And trust me, at best the sense of security it is an illusion. What the narcissist gives, the narcissist can take away. The narcissist lies, cheats, steals. Why would you entrust any sense of security or financial freedom to a serial cheater, liar and thief? When I was a kid we used the term "Indian giver" to describe someone who would take away from you a gift they'd given you previously. The term has fallen into disuse due to political correctness, but the concept still exists. (The term is a denigration of the white man, not the Indian. If that was understood, the term would still be in full use.) The narcissist is an Indian giver. What they give you with one hand, they take away with the other hand.

Let's look carefully at the definition of a gift before I proceed further.

Gift: n. 1. Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.

Both parts must be in play for it to be a gift. Voluntary. Without compensation. It is that last part that is usually missing when dealing with the manipulative gift giver. When a gift is truly given...all rights pertaining to the gift are now in the hands of the receiver. It is now fully owned by the receiver and is theirs to do with as they will without having to justify themselves. After gratitude is given to the giver, the giver is owed nothing more for the gift. A gift is not rightly called a gift if there are strings of any kind attached. If there are strings, then it is something else entirely. A deal. An arrangement. An obligation. A debt. But don't call it a gift.

If the gift giver demands frequent and perpetual demonstrations of gratitude that is a sign that you were not given a gift. In the mind of that giver you were put into their debt. Their demands for perpetual payment in the form of obsequious thank yous from you at their merest mention of their previous generosity is a type of payment. They did not give you a gift. You owe them something (in this example that would be frequent adulations at the altar of their sainted generosity) for what you received from them. Only they get to decide when you've paid your debt in full. Probably never. So, what I'm saying is that even if the "payment" for the gift is only in the form of your perpetually and frequently expressed gratitude then you didn't really receive a gift. You incurred a debt. One that you're expected to pay whenever the "giver" makes the smallest hint at their past "generosity". Reject such "gifts" because otherwise it will represent a theft of your freedom.

You don't have to surrender to someones attempt to extort long term payment for something you received from them believing at the time it was a gift. You don't have to go along with their game. If you thought that the person was truly giving you something and you had no reason to expect they were going to try to manipulate you with it then your attitude about the gift will define it as such. Don't now start acting like you were bought. Say that you thought you were given a gift which means you don't owe them anything.

This doesn't apply to inappropriately large gifts that you know in your gut is an attempt to buy you. Don't play that game in your mind. When a girl goes on one or two dates with a guy and he suddenly presents her with a new car...that is not a gift. That is purchasing stock options to buy her in the future. The woman accepts that inappropriately large gift knowing she is allowing that man to think he has bought some level of obligation from her. The woman with self-respect and a handle on her greed will adamantly refuse the "gift" and then abruptly end the relationship because she knows this man has chosen to misread her character. He thinks she is greedy. He thinks she is willing to pretend to be in love with him in light of his large check book and willingness to spend its contents on her. She will be insulted by his decision to see her as nothing more than a whore.

It is a rare time when you don't know in your gut that there is a price tag attached to a "gift". For that rare exception when you take what you thought was a gift only to find out later that it wasn't really a gift you don't have to surrender on the spot. Proceed on your original assumption. Behave as if you believe now as then that it was a gift. If the intention was to manipulate you with that gift, believe me, you'll be seeing the last of that person's "generosity" if you don't allow their "gift" to become a Trojan horse right into your life. They'll likely go trolling for much more lucrative pay-outs for their future "gifts" with some other poor soul.

Again, don't go telling yourself you didn't realize there was a price tag when you knew in your gut that there was. That is a mental game you play to keep yourself from admitting that you just whored yourself out for bauble or stack of cash. Let's consider the oldest profession for a moment. A prostitute offers her body in an act that simulates emotional as well as physical intimacy . For a short time and the right price she is willing to act like she feels affection for the dude with the cash. He hands her the money, he expects her to act a certain way with him. He expects her to simulate a relationship, an intimacy, that doesn't really exist. If she accepts his offer do you really think she can get away with now withholding her body and behaving like she is disgusted by him? No way. They both know he isn't giving her a gift. It is a deal. A transaction. An exchange of goods for services rendered. If she accepts his money, she also accepts that for a determined length of time she will behave like a woman in love.

There is very little difference in my mind between the whore and those who will accept the cash or gifts from a narcissist knowing they will have to simulate a relationship, a closeness, that they don't want or feel. Far too often have I heard ACONs justify staying in a relationship they feel is loathsome because they want the goodies. "After all I've been through, it is the least they can give me" is the reference to a future inheritance that they are already banking on. So sure are they that the lying, cheating and malevolent narcissist will actually give them them cash at the end, the ACON is willing to give up their freedom and autonomy in the present with this vague hope of future reward that is by no means guaranteed. You might be able to convince yourself that the cash is as good as yours, but if that was the case, then it wouldn't be dependent on you behaving in just the way the narcissist demands for its surety. You know that the "gift" of inheritance is by no means guaranteed...which is why you continue to dance the dance with the narcissist parent. The whore is smarter. At least she doesn't do what she does with the hope that eventually, someday when the bastard dies, she'll get her payment.

My position on gifts is that you can only be bought with them by your consent. It is a manipulation tactic that can only work with your knowing cooperation. The gift giving manipulation exploits your character weakness. At best, it is a form of prostitution. At worst, it is a form of slavery that you sell yourself into. I have little sympathy with people who decide to sell themselves and their families for the "security" of Mommy or Daddy's money. If you choose to stay in the crucible because the lure of money to your soul is irresistible then there is nothing I can do for you. You've made your bed. Only you can choose to get out of the bed and take possession of your own life.

Maria, I have been speaking generally of my thoughts on gift-giving manipulation tactics, and not to your specific situation. More specifically, I commend you and your sister for wising up and realizing how your mother has been using divide and conquer with you two, as well as seeing your mother's gift-giving as just a form of manipulation. Obviously, the spell is broken for you. Hold your ground. Your mother is unlikely to give up on trying to use gifts to buy you in some way. You're just going to have to draw a line and then hold it. There is nothing else to be done short of going completely no contact. Narcissists don't learn. They are extremely unlikely to reform their behavior. They will only appear to do so if they are forced to by someone with a backbone. But they will never stop believing that at some point they can wear you down. This is why I always go back to recommending no contact. The war is never over with narcissists. Life with them is a perpetual series of battles. Every interaction is some kind of chess game move in their minds. Power plays are constant. To my thinking, life is too short to be constantly distracted and my energies drained by this undeclared yet unremitting war. My only advice to you is make your policy on gifts clear and then hold the line without apology or equivocation.

In conclusion and in general, no one can buy you with gifts unless you're greedy or unless you are unwilling to be self reliant. Know yourself. Take responsibility. If you are bought and paid for then there is no one to blame but you. Admit that you're engaged in the "oldest profession" and stop complaining. I'm not the only one who sees the deal you've made. Others see your choice to stick with the old monster for the cash or trinkets and have lost a great deal of respect for you. If you don't respect yourself more than that...why should we?

Pity Party

She just behaved very badly. She had fought to get her way on something, but because she wasn't able to get her way, she had an adult version of a huge temper tantrum. Unfortunately for her she had a witness to the scene...a witness not entirely under her power. She is in a jam because this person's opinion of her matters to her a great deal. Her usual tactic of having a rage just won't work in this situation. She must do something much more artful.

This situation calls for the full on wounded act. She gets her target alone with just her. Her voice quavers. She takes on the look of complete defeat. Copious tears. Sighing and crying she is angling for her target to agree with her that she has been treated unjustly. She is making a play for the heart. A calculated grab for pity. While explaining how unjust the treatment of her was she looks tiny, pathetic, broken. She pretends to feel badly for the small little thing she did wrong while exaggerating and lying about how the other person reacted and treated her. The target feels their heart being wrenched in their chest with the desire to comfort her even while they logically know that they just saw her being a complete spoiled brat and a bully. The target starts to feel confused by these conflicting realities. The desire to comfort the pitiable creature standing in from of them is overwhelmingly compelling.

You've been invited to the Pity Party. Your host tonight: the conscience-impaired. (In this story, my mother.)

I'm about half way through the book, "The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout, Ph.D.

"How can I tell whom not to trust?" is a question Ms. Stout has often fielded from her patients. She asserts that one of the best clues that you may be dealing with someone who has an impaired or absence conscience is the pity play:

"...the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy...More than admiration--more even than fear--pity from good people is carte blanche. When we pity, we are, at least for the moment, defenseless..."

You know this is true. How many times in the movies has this tactic been used by the evil villain? Innumerable. We are screaming at our TV screens, "Don't fall for that!!" as we see the camouflaged evil villain lure in the good guy by appealing to the good guy's intact heart and conscience with a convincing act of being wounded, pitiable, defenseless. If the good guy believes the act, he is the one rendered defenseless. This allows the bad guy to kill him or make an escape. This scene happens over and over again in movies because we all recognize it to be a common tactic of evil people, and we all recognize the good guy's vulnerability to such a tactic. His decency is what sets him up for the fall. We find ourselves wishing that the good guy could be just a little less decent for a moment so he can avoid what we can see is coming...his annihilation.

Do we have to lose our decency to insure we don't fall for such a ruse? No, I don't think so. We just need to pay attention. Don't assume that anyone who seems pathetic and pitiable is automatically going to deserve your compassion or pity. Remember that giving sympathy to evil doers is no virtue. If you want your compassion to be virtuous be sure to give it to the truly deserving.

Stout gives us some guidance on how to decide who is trustworthy and who is deserving of your compassion:

"When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for your pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person's forehead as you will ever be given."

"I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him."
The Sociopath Next Door, pg. 109.

The devil does exist. Boot his or her sorry ass out of your life.

[icon by scarymime]

Guilt-tripping

Let's take a look at the manipulative narcissist's favorite tool, the Guilt Trip. We've looked before at some of the sneaky and covert manipulation tactics of aggressive personalities. Malignant narcissist's are usually of the covert-aggressive sort. Sneaky fighters. Lying and underhanded SOBs. Frakking...Oops...getting carried away here...

You must keep forever in the forefront of your mind that when you are dealing with a character-disordered individual (which includes narcissists as well as many other screwed up types) that they have a very different conscience from you. The reason you must remember this fact is because the manipulator never forgets it. They are deliberately using your conscience against you when they use the Guilt Trip. They are keenly aware that you possess a sound conscience. If you try to do the same to them; if you try to convince them of their guilt in something, you find that the Guilt Trip does not work on them. This is because their conscience is a very different thing than your conscience. The character-disordered conscience is blighted, twisted, perverted, malfunctioning on every level. They can not be manipulated by you with the Guilt Trip. An effective Guilt Trip is only achieved on a sensitive conscience. The covertly aggressive character-disordered person is unencumbered by such a thing.

The manipulator knows that a fully functioning conscience has the ability to register guilt and shame. The more conscientious you are, the more effective the Guilt Trip can be on you. I have said this before, I'll say it again: the malignant narcissist uses your own conscience against you. It is a handle on your heart that they can grab at will if you don't know enough to stop them.

You should not try to erase your own sound conscience in order to remove the handle. That would be destructive to your decency as a human being as well as well-nigh impossible to do. There has to be another way. And there is. You need to be informed, which is what I'm doing right now. Armed with the knowledge that the sneaky fighter is capable of using your own conscience against you, you are able to better recognize when it is happening and run a manual over-drive on yourself when you recognize someone is using you against yourself.

The manipulator tells you that you are selfish, that you are not caring enough, that you are hurting their feelings...and you find yourself high-centered on a big old boulder. Keeee-runch. Suddenly you feel horrible about yourself and are scrambling to apologize, make amends, soothe the manipulator's "hurt" feelings. You feel like a cad, and they walk away with whatever prize they were aiming for.

Pay attention to the interaction. When you suddenly find yourself being sent on the Guilt Trip train to surrender, pull the brakes. Don't let some lying and under-handed manipulator fight by using you against you. There is something quite unseemly about a conscienceless creep using your fully operational conscience to further their selfish ends. Don't be a patsy. Don't roll at the first intimation that you are too mean, too selfish, too uncaring. Know the truth about yourself even when someone is lying to you about you.

Hurting someones feelings in the process of defending truth and principle is not a crime. Some people deserve to have their feelings hurt. Don't fall victim to the "cult of nice". Narcissists have taken full advantage of the now endemic belief that hurting someones feelings is a sin. If the truth hurts someones feelings, so be it. Too often people are unwilling to stick to and defend truth because someone may be offended by it. This is only advantageous to the covert and overt criminal. Society, churches, families are not benefited in the long-run by the evasion of truth for the sake of someones feelings. It is this reflexive aversion on the part of decent people that so often lets evil run unchecked.

The truth is, the "hurt feelings" are a ruse when used by the character-disordered. Malignant narcissists are not experiencing hurt feelings...they are simply angry and annoyed at not getting their way. Know the difference between someone who has a legitimate claim to hurt feelings and someone who is just pissed off because they want what they want. The two are worlds apart. Getting hurt feelings for not getting your way is equivalent to a two-year old child throwing a tantrum simply because he wants what he wants. Let's not make it more than that.

Denial as a Tactic of Manipulation

When we talk about someone who is in denial we believe what we are discussing is a psychological defense mechanism. To believe that a narcissist is using denial as a defense mechanism is to set yourself up to be manipulated and deceived. We need to examine the tactic of denial as something very different from the psychological defense of denial.

Denial as a defense mechanism is how the mind copes emotionally in the fall-out of a catastrophic event, major loss, or with anxiety. The woman who finds herself suddenly widowed may deny for awhile that her husband is dead. Or she may simply feel numb and unable to cry for weeks or months. This is because she can't deal with all the emotions of loss and shock all at once. Denial as a defense is how our minds protect us from overwhelming situations that we aren't equipped at the time to deal with emotionally.

This is something very different from denial as a tactic. George K. Simon, "In Sheep's Clothing", points out:

"...this is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as others) about their aggressive intentions. This 'Who...Me?' tactic invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do." pg. 98

Denial as a lying tactic of manipulation is another in the list of tactics covert-aggressive manipulators (usually character-disordered individuals) use very frequently. Mr. Simon has kindly laid out a list of eighteen of the most common tactics. He calls that a short list. He stresses the importance of differentiating between denial as a defense and denial as a tactic to hide aggressive intent. Simon sums up the tactic thusly:

"In short, when Jeff [a juvenile caught in the act of bullying] is denying, he's not defending in any way, he's mainly fighting. He's not in a psychological state, he's employing a tactic, and he's very aware of what he's doing. The tactic he's using is often called denial, but it's really just another way of lying. And he's lying for the reasons people commonly lie -- to get out of trouble." pg. 94

I am sure you have many memories flooding into your mind right now of the times the narcissist has flatly denied their bad behavior, the effects of their bad behavior, and their bad intent behind the bad behavior. You are remembering how they managed to turn the whole situation around so that you were made to feel like you were the aggressor for not believing their denial...their lie. They put on their sweet angel face and deny, deny, deny until you lose the will to continue the fight. For that is what this creep is doing. Fighting. Fighting for his way. Fighting for his "right" to keep right on doing what he wants to do, all consequences to you be damned.

By his insistent denials you have often been made to feel like the bad guy. For trying to get an accounting from him for his actions you have succumbed to the accusation that you're being judgmental, unfair, bullying. So you gave up. You bought the lie that you are the mean one and he is innocent. Who would insist so tenaciously on their innocence except the innocent? Or so you rationalize. You are unwilling to believe that he can look you in the eye and lie his ass off from here to eternity. You want to believe that something about him, and about this relationship, is real...so you succumb his denials.

Or perhaps you allow yourself to know that his behavior was bad and destructive, but you tell yourself that deep down he's really hurting so he is "in denial" because he can't face his own pain. This is never the case with the character-disordered. He is not "in pain". He has no anxiety about his bad behavior whatsoever. He is totally cool with how he is. The only thing he isn't cool with is that you're not accepting his behavior. He is trying to get a pass from you by this blatant denial of his actions. He has no intention of stopping what he is doing. He will buy himself another day by simply denying he did what he did. It is so childish that it is rather a wonderment that we fall for this as often as we do when this is done by an adult. We want to believe that the person in front of us is basically good. That they are basically honest. That they are not fighting with us in this moment.

Teach yourself to recognize when someone is covertly fighting for their own way. Never fall for the belief that the narcissist is in some sort of psychic pain which prevents them from knowing how their behavior affects those around her. She has no problem, no conflict in her own mind with her behavior. She is justified fully in her mind for what she does no matter the destruction it brings down on herself and others. Her only problem is with your perceptions of her behavior. That is what she is trying to deal with as she employs her massive denial of her misdeeds. You are the problem...not her. She is not fighting to repress some deep psychological pain. She is fighting to force you to repress your own pain and your own perception so she can carry on unpunished while doing what ever the hell she wants to do.

Lying -- The Manipulator's Stock-in-Trade

The next tool in the manipulator's toolbox that George Simon, Jr. Ph.D. of "In Sheep's Clothing" describes is lying. It seems kinda obvious to list lying in the bag of tricks because we all have at least some awareness of the reality that manipulators play fast and loose with the truth to gain an advantage. Obvious or not, we all get taken in by lying manipulators because the truth isn't always readily accessible at the time you're being lied to. We may know that they lie, but we usually have a hard time detecting the lie...until long after they've gotten what they wanted from us.

Mr. Simon points out that the lies preferred by covertly-aggressive individuals are lies of omission. Damn, if those aren't the hardest lies to detect! They lie by telling the truth. It is what they leave out that makes it a lie.

Okay, when I get on the subject of lies and liars I just get pissed. I hate lies. I hate that I was duped by liars for so very long. The paragon of truthfulness, my mother, turned out to be one of the biggest liars I've ever met. Well, maybe my sister gets that prize. I think she lies even more than my mother does. Toss up. They both primarily lie in the most sneaky of ways...by omission. My mother had me fooled much longer than my sister. Mommy dearest was in a position of authority over me and, therefore, I was more susceptible to the lies. She had more clout to claim rights to define reality.

I believed that my mother was a truthful person until I was in my late 30s. Now I see the multiplicity of lies she has told and still tells and I still shake my head in amazement. The biggest unmasking of her plethora of lies have been the result of hearing the things my mother did and said to my dear cousin "Lee". My mother had much less accountability to Lee for history revisionism because my cousin didn't know the original history. Therefore, Lee had no way of knowing when the history was being revised. To hear how my mother was working day and night to create a new reality that she and Lee could live in; to hear the outright lies my mother tells...to her great shame; is to be confronted with the forceful truth that my mother is what I despise most...an inveterate liar. With me, my mother mostly had to lie by omission or insinuation. With Lee and others she could tell outright untruths because the availability of the truth for her audience was harder to come by. This is why my mother went into absolute panic once she realized the Lee and I had forged a close friendship; a friendship that my mother was not in the middle of and orchestrating. She knew her exposure was inevitable. Her power broken.

"Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth. I have treated individuals who have lied most egregiously by reciting a litany of true facts!How does someone lie by telling only true things? They do so by leaving out important other, important facts essential to understanding the truth of the whole story." In Sheep's Clothing, pg. 98

So how do we protect ourselves from being taken in by a covertly aggressive and manipulative person? By bearing in mind that they lie, they lie often, and they usually lie by leaving out important facts. You must proceed on the presumption that they are lying; not that they are telling the truth until and unless you can prove otherwise. I wrote this a year ago:

They [narcissists] lie. They lie by omission, commission, by a look, by a sigh, by insinuation. They are the personification of a lie. We, the honest-in-heart, have a hard time conceptualizing someone who exists entirely in a lie. It is not socially acceptable to allow our first presumption to be that someone is lying. Especially when it is a parent. No, we are to presume they are representing the truth...and only accept that it was a lie when it can absolutely be proven to be one. Once a lie has been proven you then have to shift back to the default position of presumption of the truth. It is this default position that screws us up over and over.

The sad, yet absolute, fact is that the default position when dealing with a narcissist is that they are lying. The anomaly with a N is when they tell the truth. They so seldom tell the truth that you don't even have to worry about mistaking that truth for a lie. They don't deserve to have us believe one thing they say or insinuate. If we presume that whatever they are doing, whatever they are saying, is designed to manipulate and deceive, then we are in a much safer and saner position.

I would have been more accurate if I stated that they lie even when they are telling the truth!

To call someone a manipulator is to call them a liar. The definition of the word 'manipulate' when it applies to interpersonal relationships always includes the concept of deviousness. The manipulator, therefore, is a living, breathing lie. Once you've figured out that someone you know is a chronic manipulator, then you must also admit that they are a chronic liar if you are to deal appropriately with them. Proceed according to that knowledge. To assume they are ever being truthful is to set yourself up to be taken yet again. Mr. Do-Gooder may tell you that you are a bad person for assuming the worst of someone, but you are wiser than he. You know there is no virtue in being someone's perpetual dupe.

A Common Tactic of Manipulators

Manipulators. We've all been taken in by them. All malignant narcissists are manipulators, though not all manipulators are narcissists. Either way, it is impossible to avoid them. It is possible to minimize our susceptibility to them.

The concept that has helped me the most in enabling me to recognize when someone is trying to force me into what they want from me is the reality that manipulators are aggressive, and most times they are able to hide their aggression. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. of "In Sheep's Clothing" calls them "covert-aggressives". As I read his book I realized that my whole experience with my sister especially, but also my mother, was that of being up against a covertly-aggressive person. My sister is better at it than my mother is. Interestingly enough.

Simon makes a great case for opening our eyes to what is really happening in these interactions; that the character disordered individual, or simply aggressive person, is fighting to get their own way when they use certain tactics. And he points out that they are tactics. Not defensive reactions.

"...viewing someone who's in the act of aggressing as being defensive in any sense is a major set-up for victimization." pg. 95

He also describes the tactics of the covert-aggressive as being another form of lying.

One of the first things their tactics accomplish for them is to conceal the fact that they are fighting with you. They are refusing to allow you to have the opinion you have, the standards you have, the decision you've made. They are attempting to force your surrender to their way, their opinion, their standards (or lack thereof). But the first thing they must do is come at you in such a way that the first thing you'll think is that they are reacting defensively. They hide their aggressiveness under a cloak of pretense that they are simply acting out of defensiveness which, of course, means that you attacked them. So the next thing their tactics accomplish is putting you on the defensive. Now you are knocked off-balance and the covert-aggressive will likely start throwing so many different manipulative tactics at you at once that you end up falling for the ruse and capitulate.

Simon states that it is impossible to list all the tactics manipulators use, but he does make a short list of the most popular ones. He starts with "minimization". It is a 'oh my god' moment to see it spelled out. How many, many times have my mother or sister used this tactic on me and others?? It could not be counted.

Simon again contrasts the behavior of the neurotic with that of the character disordered as he explains this tactic:

"...the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain...Neurotics frequently make mountains out of molehills, or 'catastrophize.' The disturbed character frequently trivializes the nature of his wrongdoing. Manipulators do this to make a person who might confront them feel they've been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation."

Then the money quote, in my opinion:

"Minimization is not primarily the way they make themselves feel better about what they did, it's primarily the way they try to manipulate my impression of them. They don't want me to see them as a person who behaves like a thug. Because they are most often comfortable with their aggressive personality style, they also want me to believe that there's nothing wrong with the kind of person they are." pg. 97

Can you see the lie that is the fabric of this type of manipulation? If you miss the lie, you can be convinced by the manipulator that you are the one aggressing against them. You are the one who is misapprehending the truth of what happened, the truth of what they are. You big meanie. Look at poor little defensive me trying to stand up against your mean and nasty aggression against me! I was only...fill in the blank...as they cut that mountain down to the size of a zit. You back down because suddenly they are the victim and you are hurting them. You fall for the wounded wing act. The one who was truly fighting for their own way is pretending that you are the one who picked the fight, who is being unfair, who needs to admit you are wrong!

I so loathe this sneaky way of lying to get ones way.

I had read this book some months before my last interaction with my sister. I had forgotten about the book, but some of the concepts I had learned were operational for me. My sister's aggression was immediately obvious to me. I did not allow her to minimize the mountain. I didn't believe the covert lie that by my having a certain opinion that I had put her on the defensive. I again highly recommend this little book. It can save your sanity when you're suddenly in a "fight" with a sneaky little lying f-ing manipulator.