Thursday, October 04, 2007

Residential Evil

I watched the first "Resident Evil" movie a couple of nights ago. It is a zombie movie set in a high tech world. This is not my definition of a scary movie. Zombies don't scare me because they are not in any way real. I have no expectation or even a tiny fear that I'll some day have to run from a zombie dragging its leg in a slow-mo chase as it tries to feed on my brain.

No, what really scares me is evil that resides in every day, normal-looking people. Evil that lives in residential houses and cloaks its malignancy behind a sweet face. Evil that speaks smooth and charming words right before it sticks a knife in your back. Yeah, that kind of evil scares me. Zombies are child's play.

Which brings me back to my mother. A woman who has courted with an unseen and evil being all her life. A woman who has imbibed long and often of the spirit of evil until it has become her own so that she is, in her own right and by her full consent, evil.

My mother's contact with the supernatural operates on a couple of levels in her mind. Bad and good. Bad = the kind she doesn't feel in control of. Good = the kind she feels she controls. Bad = it comes from the "dark side". Good = it comes from God.

Since her childhood my mother has been occasionally visited by a dark, evil being. This has continued to the present. She has talked about it some with me, though not a lot. She has come across as just a little ashamed to admit that an evil being waltzes with regularity into her bedroom at night. Less so in more recent years now that she has convinced herself she has some control of these events and has found a way to make it into evidence that she is special to God.

It was quite distressing to her when the visits would happen in the early years of her marriage. What she found especially unreal and frightening was that it would happen with my father asleep next to her and he has never once awakened during them. She could usually feel the approach of the visitor and would be awake before it would show itself at the foot of her bed. It would sometimes then feel like it was sitting on her feet. Its presence was terrifying because it felt so malevolent. It wasn't coming for tea. My mother must not have felt the full paralysis that is often described by others (and what I've experienced) because she would try to rouse my father by calling his name and trying to nudge him. She said it was like he was in a coma. She couldn't even detect him breathing. She could hear the "being" taunt her (in her mind) telling her she wouldn't be able to rouse him. I am wondering if there was a sexual component to these visits. That is something she would never share.

In more recent years she has told me that she no longer fears this visitor when "he" shows up. (Always a "male" presence.) She says he is trying to frighten her so she will not give him what she thinks he wants. She feels protected by "my Jesus" so she faces her long-time visitor with almost a flippant attitude. She now acts as though she almost welcomes this visitor because she can now face him without the fear he comes to feed off of. This seems to prove to her that she is now the precious child of Jesus. She has turned these frightening and uncontrollable events into yet another thing that convinces her of how special and holy she is. Talk about a spin-zone.

Then there is the "good". She loves the dreams. She believes that certain dreams are little gifts to her from God. Here is a fairly recent example which was shared with my cousin and her sons. My mother, in her boastful and "I'm so holy" attitude, told her captive audience that it had been a long time since she'd had one of her "dreams". Here is what she said, "So I asked God to send me one. He does this for me because he knows I don't like surprises." Which, by the way, is a completely unbiblical belief. She proceeds to tell her hostages, "The next night he sent me a dream. In the dream the whole family gathers for a family picture. When the picture is developed I was the only one who could see the demon standing in the picture." Neither my cousin nor her sons can remember what significance my mother ascribed to this "revelation" of a demon in the family picture. Probably because it didn't make much sense to them at the time perhaps because my mother was not willing to tell them what she really thought it meant. Considering the significant distance I had already put between myself and my mother at that time perhaps that demon was me.

Yes, my mother feels she has a certain amount of control over the supernatural world in the form of her dreams. Those dreams make her feel "special". Like God is giving her extra special attention and latitude because "he knows I hate surprises". She has said this to me hundreds of times starting from my childhood. God not only sends her dreams...he supposedly gives her premonitions about the future. It is his way of lessening the shock that an unforeseen event would give her. My story about my getting pregnant at 17 years of age and then running away to elope shot holes clean through her assertions because she was completely blind-sided by those events. It nearly unseated her mind. She is right...she doesn't handle surprises well because they suggest she isn't in control. She is wrong...God does not inform her of the future. She is a very paranoid narcissist. The paranoia increases with her age. If you assume a suspicious attitude about everything and everyone it is likely that you'll be right some of the time. At least, you'll be able to convince yourself you were right some of the time.

In my opinion, the separation of the bad supernatural from the good supernatural as my mother separates it is another fabrication of her mind. I think it all comes from the same source. I have ample proof my mother is an malignant human being. I do not believe that God is smiling down on her and granting her special favors. She is being manipulated. Her belief that she can control the supernatural is a belief that grants her a sense of control over every possible outcome. That belief is her damnation. It is leading her deeper and deeper in the hell of a completely dedicated narcissistic mind.

Are there supernatural evil beings, demons, walking the dark corridors of our minds and our homes? There is no proof of such claims. There is only evidence. There is not a single civilization on this planet that doesn't believe in supernatural evil. No matter how far removed from each other that certain civilizations have been they all believe in demonic forces. That is some kind of proof in and of itself. I don't believe that being contacted by dark, unseen forces is a commentary on the state of your soul. I suspect we are all touched in some way at various times by evil presences we can't explain. Choosing to interact with and consent to evil determines whether there is a bad outcome.

There is ample proof that evil presents itself in the flesh, in humanity. This is usually the form evil takes in our lives. Other human beings. Paul, in the book of Ephesians chapter six, cautions Christians to remember that the real battle with evil is not with "flesh and blood". He defines a spiritual battle with spiritual beings. The clear teaching of the Bible is that when humanity is evil they are animated by evil spiritual wickedness. Christ very clearly taught this as well. This counsel of Paul's was to remind Christians that when they see evil in humanity they would do well to consider they are up against something much bigger and stronger than mere humanity. The tools for the battle are not traditional weapons. The weapons used against evil are truth and a life lived in accordance with truth. Evil hides in lies, superficial appearances, insinuations, hypocrisy, smears and fear.

Evil is full of fear. Evil controls others through fear. How does the malignant narcissist control you? Through creating fear. Reveal to a narcissist the fears that stir you most deeply and find the narcissist using them against you. They understand this most basic of emotions because it is one of the few emotions they can actually relate to. The others being anger and shame. Fear animates their entire existence...they find relief by recreating their fears in you. Somehow this act of transference gives them the illusion of controlling the fear which controls them.

"People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck, page 124:

Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror--and a suffering--so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. Even if we cannot pity the evil for their inevitably ghastly old age or for the state of their souls after death, we can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.

Whatever it is my mother experiences with the supernatural world she experiences it differently than you and I would. She has acquiesced to evil therefore it controls her. She does not control it. Yet, her narcissism dictates she believe that she can control what is really controlling her. She is ruled by a million fears, but can not face any of them square on. She believes in the existence of evil, but refuses anything which would suggest the evil resides in herself. Do I pity her? Yes, I can't help but pity her, but evil must be pitied from afar because evil desperately seeks to take you down with it.


Cathy said...

As usual, you bring up so many good points. Wouldn't it be easier if evil walked right up to you and announced, "I'm evil". Then you would know what hit you. Then you would know what you were dealing with. The thing that makes this all so maddeningly insidious is the way I thought until very recently that my mother was the end-all-be-all and that there was something wrong with ME.

Isn't it interesting how they create the very fear in you from a young age that they then they use to control you with even into adulthood? I mean, these things are worked into every cell of your being. When I started seeing her for what she was, I actually felt like I was betraying HER. There were many months in trying to come to terms with this that I thought I was going stark-raving mad. I would go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Is it her, or is it me? Am I crazy, or is she? Isn't she the beautiful, charismatic, intelligent, persuasive, Master's Degree in Psychology, Christian, perfect person that I was programmed to believe that she was and who everyone else believes that she is? Or is there really something wrong with this picture? Oh, and then the FEAR would come on me that I was such a BAD GIRL for thinking ANYTHING negative about mom. And of course, if you dare say anything - it gets so twisted and convoluted by her that it makes your head spin. Well, now I know better.

Oh, and she would never admit that a "being" came to her room at night because that might suggest that it is something other than God. No, SHE gets dreams and visions and "words" and scriptures from God. Always just when she needs them and always with just the right answer to her dilemma. And always, always, always something that makes her look sooo spiritual. And then she presents it like a pretty little package with a nice bow on top that makes HER look so good and so "blessed by God".

Get a load of this . . . She was asked to be the keynote speaker at a Full Gospel Businessmen's Luncheon. Picture, bio and all on the brochure. Didn't she just glory in that!!

The topic . . ."Suffering". OOHH BROTHER!!! So, do you know what the whole talk was about? ME! Yes, ME, and how she's suffering because I have offended and rejected her. Well, I guess I lied. The talk was really about HER and how God's using HER
suffering, and how SHE is going to be the bigger person and rise above all this and forgive ME. And how God is showing her sooo much about motherhood through all this, and how he's making her a better, stronger person blah, blah, blah. It is so outrageously audacious that it makes me want to puke.

So, as I stated earlier, blatant evil, although a formidable force, would be easier to deal with than THIS. . . Evil masquerading as "goodness". Evil actually claiming God himself is on its side and fooling everyone around it. Evil pretending like it has your best interest at heart, telling you it loves you when in fact it is feeding you poison and intent on destroying you. Calling itself by the name MOTHER, who only ever loved you and sacrificed everything for you.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post!

I wonder if that 'evil being' your Nmom talks about is her own ASTRAL PROJECTED SPIRIT and its so awful, even to her - she's dissociated that its even a part of her.

Just a thought ;)

Anonymous said...

"pitied from afar"

Yes! That hits the nail right on the head!

Calafia said...

You just cleared up a LOT for me in this post. Since my Nmom couldn't keep her vicious tongue under control enough to to be a "charismatic leader" socially, she used her CHURCH and slavish devotion to any female pastor the church had to the extent of sending my father to drive me to the ER once, because SHE "Needed to pray with the pastor before the service". Mom couldn't be popular anywhere else, so she used the church as her "cult". This explains SO much, including the fact that she is greatly distressed that I refuse to attend church (mostly because I don't want to get sucked into her network of "followers" who she uses to spy on me and put pressure on me to to do whatever she wants.