Monday, June 04, 2007

Your Narcissistic Mother

You've come to realize a harsh reality, or you're simply entertaining a harsh possibility: your mother is or might be a malignant narcissist. You've started to Google the Internet looking for someone to explain the pathological relationship you have with the woman who calls herself "mother". For years you've been struggling to understand this woman. You've wrestled with your conflicting feelings for decades. You've been used and abused by her but never allowed to think of her behavior toward you as being abusive. Now a label is tantalizing you with a hope that you will someday understand this complicated mess. All of which is why you are here now.

There is no simple explanation for your mother. There is no formula that will "fix" her either. If you are looking for either of those you are set up for disappointment. I will tell you what you can do. You can come to understand that you are not the one who is crazy or defective. You will discover in your search on the Internet that there are many people who understand what you've experienced and can validate your experience and feelings. That alone is priceless and will go a long way toward giving you some relief. Next, if you allow yourself, you will come to understand the "malignant" part of "malignant narcissism" and realize your mother has earned the label due to the ill-will betrayed by her behaviors.

This may be the hardest part of your quest. You have spent a lifetime consistently denying to yourself that your mother wishes you ill. You have held tightly to a few precious memories that you think prove that she really does love you. When you've dared to let your mind wander to that awful place...the place where you know deep down you've never really had a mother...you veer away sharply and go back to your little collection of memories you think counter this truth. You turn the memories over and over in your mind, working them like a worry stone, reassuring yourself that your interpretation of those events constitute the truth that your mommy loves you.

So my biggest hurdle in reaching you with the full force of reality where the narcissist mother is concerned is your insistence that she doesn't really mean what she says or does. That she really does love you deep down. I'm not going to tear that cherished belief from you all at once. At this point, I just want you to know that I approach this subject of malignant narcissism from the perspective of a daughter raised by one. So if your search for explanations for your own parasitic, life-sapping, emotional vampire of a mother brought you here then you are in a good place. I understand the spectrum of experience and emotion that being the child of a narcissistic mother represents. I hope you will scope out the entirety of the archives here, as well as the links, to augment your pursuit of knowledge of the "beast". I am not an expert. I am not a trained psychologist. I am intimately acquainted with the subject matter, though, and therefore have the benefit of experience and reflection to share with you.

I recommend you start here to understand some of the meaning wrapped up in the word "malignant". Then I hope you'll go here and thoughtfully read through the author's brilliant capture of the subtleties of the abusive ways of a narcissistic mother.

It's about secret things. The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is.

- Chris

As you read, allow yourself to admit the ever-present malevolence that is demonstrated in nearly every interaction with your narcissist mother. This is not a person who wishes you well.

Not until you are able to fully admit to yourself the ever-present ill-will your mother has toward you will you be able to plot a future course which will free you from her tyranny and allow you the room to live life on healthy terms. Because of your connection with this woman you are a conduit through which she reaches into the lives of those around you. You see the caustic effect of her touch on them, but haven't yet realized your responsibility to protect them from the parasite you call "mother". You have some work to do. You need be brave enough to look squarely in the eyes of truth and admit what you've not been willing to admit before. You need to then act according to this reality. You need to protect yourself and others from her. This may only be accomplished by strictly limiting contact, or it may require you completely cutting off all contact. If you are able to prove to yourself the ever-present malignancy of your mother to your satisfaction, then you will also have to admit to yourself that she is a dangerous person. Dangerous to the minds, bodies and souls of all those in her sphere of contact.

My primary prescription to those who are able to come to these conclusions about a narcissistic mother (or father) is to completely cut-off from them. The reason I end up with this recommendation is because of this hard and fast reality: if someone is a practiced and demonstrably malignant narcissist, they are unreformable. What you see is what you can expect to get forever. That means the only thing you have the power to change is yourself and your circumstances. You can't change your mother, but you can walk away. You can't change her consistently malevolent ways, but you can choose to protect yourself and others from them.

You have a responsibility to face reality and do the right thing most particularly if you have children of your own. Her malevolence does not stop with you. Your children will be touched by it. Even the now "grandmotherly" behavior of your mother is not a sign she is safe. She is a predator. Your children are either going to receive direct ill-treatment, or they may simply be used as a pawn to get to you. Beware. Narcissistic grandparents love to steal your children from you. Sometimes physically steal them, but most often steal their hearts. She will slander you to your own children behind your back. She will create anarchy against your parental authority. She is a danger to the government of your home. You're going to have to be willing to reassess her access to your own children. It feels like a sin to deprive her of her grandchildren. Both she and society consider it such. Think for yourself. Don't let others presume to tell you someone is "safe" when you have clear evidence to the contrary.

You are going to need a sense of moral and psychological strength in order to oppose the destructive spiritual and emotional force of the malignant narcissist. Whether or not you are a religious person, you need to realize that the malignant narcissist carries with them a malignant spirit. The second meaning of the word spiritual is what I'm describing:

concerned with or affecting the spirit or soul.

This
is the realm that the narcissist almost entirely operates in. This also explains one reason it is so hard to nail down the evil these people engage in. They move primarily in the spiritual realm. Which means much of what they do seems nearly intangible. Nailing them down resembles trying to nail Jello to the wall. What they do profoundly affects your spirit. When you've tried to explain the effects on your own spirit and the evidence of the spirit of the narcissist, you've often been met with outright skepticism and criticism of you and your motives. This is because people often can not relate to a spirit they've never encountered personally. It is easy enough for them to disbelieve something as ephemeral and intangible as spirit. Who can blame them for being unwilling to believe in the hatefully evil spirit of your mother? They have no way to relate to this spirit if they haven't actually met it intimately as you have. Can you think of a more perfect disguise for evil than motherhood? Mother is supposed to be the embodiment of self-sacrifice and good-will toward the weakest among us...the children. So how better to cover the malignancy of your spirit than to cloak yourself in the armament of iron-clad reputation known as "mother"? As tempting as it may be to fault people for not believing your reports against your mother, you need to understand how it looks from their perspective. They had good mothers. They look around and see society's reverence for good mothers and assume that all mothers are like theirs. On the other hand, you have eaten of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. While you are able to comprehend the truth that most mothers are good, you have experienced the other kind of mother, and so you also know there is such a thing as evil mothers. It is a heavy burden to bear. Be assured, some of us out here understand this lonely and very real place.

What I'm trying to get across here is that you are going to have to wrestle with spiritual issues if you are to come to understand the narcissist. You've entered the realm of good vs. evil. You are going to have to shore up your own spiritual self in order to have the strength to oppose the full force of malignant spirit you will find yourself up against especially as you start to oppose its will.

This blog is one place where you can help fortify your soul for the battle.

47 comments:

After Beckett said...

I cannot tell you how helpful your blog has been. I don't know why I had never learned about NPD before. I don't know what made me look up "Narcissist", but I have been in a crisis of trying to put my past behind me. I am 37 years old and I finally feel like I don't have to make sense of their craziness anymore. There is no sense! It takes what they have done and makes is so unimportant. What a relief.

Anna Valerious said...

This is great to hear. Knowing that my ruminations have helped you gain some sense of relief has made my day. Thanks for your comment.

Jordie said...

My problem is the voice inside which says, she's not THAT bad, after reading some of the terrible stories of other N mothers that are out there. How do I wrestle that one to the ground?

I have actually cut her off, after 43 years of blaming myself and excusing her arbitrary, volatile, poisonous lies.

This is harder than I thought.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written! The accuracy of your statements are so true!
Complacency by the spouse (Father)only defends the behavior. I had this situation. I think Dr. Scott Peck said, "that if you have a name for something, it gives you alittle more power over it." That is, my mother is narcissistic; therefore, I do not take what she does or says personally. Now, if we can take pity on the ailing, narsisstic soul, I think the scars can get better. My big question remains: Shouldn't Narcissim in it's soul destruction, be a crime as are all other forms of abuse? Someday I would like to see people locked up for it. Then it really would be all about them. Thanks again, I know I'm not alone anymore.

Jehanne said...

I wish someone would develop a spectrum of behaviors for these people. I cannot decide which of my parents is the primary narcissist. One week I think it's my mother, the next my father. I also go back and forth between each -- thinking "Oh, you're not actually the narcissist; you're a co-narcissist," (if there is such a thing). Could this be a sign they are not pathologic, just nasty people? Maybe I AM crazy. Anyone else go through similar cycles?

Jennifer said...

I have recently gone into psychotherapy, to find out what my issues are. Turns out they were not mine. My mother is a narcissist.I was emotionally neglected and have therefor developed some obsessive compulsive behaviors as a result. It helped to read the article. It was hard to come to the realizations that are spoken about in the article, but once I did, I could move on. am lucky that my mother live hundreds of miles from me, I do not have to deal with her except for a couple phone calls around the holidays. I plan to visit this often, Thank You.
Jenn

Tyr said...

Thank you for this post. My mother was a psychopath and it is nice to run into others who understand. My story is at http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I think mom is a narcissist, but I continue to have doubts in my mind of what is normal and what isn’t. I find myself always making excuses for her in my head and thinking “maybe Im being too hard on her”. I remember when I was a little girl, she was such a “good” mother. She always made my meals, put me in good private schools, took care of me when I was sick and showering me with affection. But so much affection that I now feel suffocated when someone shows me any. I felt I had to tell her every day that I loved her. I was so attached to her and always worried about her. I would even write letters and notes to her while in school telling her how special and great she was and how much I loved her. When I got to be about 11 and my parents divorced she would hide in her room when she came home from work. I didnt see her much at all and felt like she had died. A fear I had as a child had come true. Bassically as I got older she began to criticize me a lot and we fought all the time. Now I am 36 and I still love her but hate her at the same time. And now I am beginning counselling next week. Just some of the things she has done are as follows.
Last Christmas she got mad because I didnt buy her what she wanted (a dishwasher) for Christmas. We got in a huge fight over it. She ruins Christmas every year by saying no one is in the Chrismas spirit and just starting stuff. On her birthday she shows how everyone else bought her the nicest gifts and cards and how they love her; implying that I don’t as much. “They appreciate her and I don’t”. She always has to remind me of fathers day and my own husbands birthday when I already know that. She insults and when I show that I took it personal she says I have no sense of humour and pretends it was only a joke when it wasnt. She will also say, “you are way too sensitive”. She accuses me of “hiding” if I leave her sight or just want to be alone. She has kept all those letters and notes I wrote her and reminds me of how much I loved her. She also wants everyone to drop everything to do what she wants NOW. she does not listen to anything I have to say for more than a few seconds. Her problems are always far greater than mine and she will call me at least once a day and if tell her I am not able to talk because Im busy, she gets angry. She buts in on everyones conversations, answers for everyone and if I am hugging or kissing my children she will but in and start kissing them too. One of the freakiest things she has done is hugged my son and as he kissed her cheek looked at me with this smile and said, “he loves me most”. When we were at a family get together with my sons other grandmother she hugged him and said, “who is your favorite grandma?”. I blew up at her for that and she has not done it since. She does seem to care when bad things happen to people though. And she does show empathy at times. So it is very confusing.

Grafted Branch@Restoring the Years said...

:(

I don't want this reality, but it's such a relief to be able to say it's not my imagination.

I have to figure out how to honor her as the Lord wants me to, and at the same time do all you've cautioned against. The Lord stirred my spirit recently to cut ties so that my children don't become pawns in the coming years.

Thankfully, we live 2 states away and she's terrified of planes.

Thank you for writing this.

Sunny said...

Grafted branch, I believe we honor our parents with our life and as children we honor them when we obey. Respect is not honor. Respect is earned. Jesus was clear on the subject when he said about the abusers of children, "it would be best to tie a millstone around his neck and throw him into the sea."

Anna Valerious said...

Succinctly and well said, Sunny. I make the case for what you've said in my two posts on the 5th commandment "honor your father and mother". I hope Grafted Branch will read them.

Sunny said...

Anna, where are these posts? I cannot find them and I'd like to read them.

Anna Valerious said...

5.27.07 & 6.2.07 are the dates of the two posts.

Sunny said...

Just the other day my mother and I were in an argument about something...I dont even remember what. I said, "you do not treat your own daughter the way you treat your friends (coworkers)." She then replied, "oh yes...my friends love me and appreciate me soooo much." Go figure. Do other narcissist moms often say things that make completely no sense at all?

Anonymous said...

Sunny, that is my mother's mode of operation. Perfect strangers ALWAYS get more kindness and respect. Well, at least until they becomes friends, she finds out they aren't perfect or she gets jealous of them. They they are EVIL and BAD and we all have to hate them. Just remember, an NPP mom's love is false. It's not about you.

C.M. said...

Thanks for clarifying what my problem with my parents was. It was pretty extreme that I had to completely remove myself from their lives 22 years ago. My mother's tried to get back and always used extremely cruel methods that I responded to with an attorney's cease and desist letter. My father was equally cruel in his own sweat coated way. My sister didn't bode as well as myself, she's dead. My father seemed to enjoy telling me she was gang raped 5 times and had AIDS. Said he was a happy man and that was the last time I spoke with him after I realized how truly sick my parents were. They both wished ill will on their children.

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog on my Google search. I have just began to read up on Destructive Narcissistic Personality Disorders, and having a Narcissistic Parent. I never knew exactly what was wrong with my mother.. I just knew that my mom was not like other peoples. She has just pulled her last stunt with me, and I have decided to completely cut her off. I am just at the beginning of my healing process, and I am so thankful that I came across your blog!

Anonymous said...

Hi

I turn 40 next month and have finally been able to put a label on my mum - NPD. She is not as extreme as some of your examples, but she is just IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. She has split her 4 daughters with her favourtism, manipulation etc. The woman could not lie straight in bed. Sometimes you think you are living in a parallel universe, her view of reality is so different - the confabulation is incredible, and if you challenge it she becomes hysterical. I am currently being punished for not picking her up at the airport (even though I offered several times and she was very insistent that I NOT pick her up). I would have taken away an opportunity for martyrdom and for her to prove how awful I am if I had done it.Such a destructive disorder!!

Anonymous said...

Your blog is so well written, and comes across so clearly and descriptively of how narcissists are. The internet has been so useful in allowing us to finally label what is (and always was) wrong with my boyfriend's mother. We've been through so much and have finally decided to completely separate ourselves from her. My boyfriend has two sisters as well, and one of them seems to be a narcissist as well. The other sister (the youngest at 18) luckily is identical to my boyfriend and can't accept the irrationality of these narcissists. The little one says it best: only mom and my sister give me drama and stress in life.
Truth will always set you free. So many years where the narcissist lied about various things, and she would criticize her own children to others...and now, in recent months the truth is setting them free, and the others are seeing the narcissist as she truly is. Their mother is now flipping out at people because they support the children. She even flipped out at my mother who supports my boyfriend and at people that have helped her over the years with money and such. All because they support the children. For our peace of mind, we choose to stay away from her. There's nothing else that you can do - can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped.

Lesley said...

I am 29, and started therapy 2 weeks ago after I reached a point with my mother that I am physically ill everytime I have to see her, or see her number on my caller ID for the 5th time of the day. I feel as though I am betraying her for going to therapy. The guilt is suffocating. When people say they have cut their nmother out of their life, I am stunned, because I can't even go 3 days without talking to her, the "ungrateful, unloving daughter" messages are too much for me to bear at this point. I would love to be able to be there one day, cut off contact some day. How do you all deal with confrontation by nmother of why you aren't talking to her?

Anna Valerious said...

"How do you all deal with confrontation by nmother of why you aren't talking to her?"

When you are finally strong enough to be able to cut off your mother you'll be able to do so without confrontation. You will do so matter-of-factly without justification, argument, or defensiveness. It will simply be a final statement of "what IS" and then it will be over. You will not entertain any of her efforts to reengage you because when you go "no contact" it will mean NO CONTACT. That means you won't open her mail, you won't read her emails, you won't answer her calls. It will be like she no longer exists.

Going no contact is not about having to be engaged in confrontation or a series of confrontations. The very meaning and goal of "no contact" is about ENDING the confrontation(s). Forever.

It must also be pointed out that going no contact can be a gradual process. You don't have to do it precipitously or all at once. It can be accomplished in quiet stages by gradual withdrawal of attention on your part.

Be patient with yourself and the process. You need time and knowledge. The better you come to know just what malignant narcissism is the more you'll be able to see your way clear to eliminate its presence in your life.

Lesley said...

Thank you, with tears of relief and courage, I say thank you.

Mel said...

I'm glad I've found this article. I have emotional problems mostly due to abuse but also other problems in my life. I have experienced extreme psychological, legal, social whatever abuse while also being homeless with her place being the only place to go, with my child.

It has literally been a lifelong war, escalatign into fullblown shellshock mode once my son was invovled and the threats and stuff started involving him; not helping is that i married a man who 'understood' me because, his moms this way too. I actually think they may have tag teamed us.

This stuff isn't funny, they are dangerous and the warnings about cutting contact and grandchild theft are real. I know my mother, if i'm not under her control, would love to see me dead.

Currently Ive been labeled as paranoid by her and her cronies, among other things-and I'll say I think I am, but only due to complex ptsd. The problem here with these labels is that most of the things used to call me 'paranoid' aren't theories or anything they are PROVABLE, real things.

This stuff can escalate into real crime, poisonings, false arrest, stalking...trust me, and you may be so rattled that you can neither defend yourself, nor prove credible

and they never forgive you if you keep them from a potential victim..its relentless

has anyone experienced the N mouthing exactly the words that they say to them during an arguement? Many times during her arguements I reply and every word she mouths at me while I say them, sometimes saying them in unison with me. WTF is that? and why am *I* called crazy when its her behavior thats nuts. Is that what is meant by 'scripted'? Does she fricken rehearse my part or something??!

Anna Valerious said...

Mel,

Thank you for confirming the assertions this blog makes about Nmothers who become Ngrandmothers. You describe some very scary realities. I hope people will listen to your voice of experience.

As for your mother's weird way of repeating your words in an argument even saying them as you're saying them...I can't account for that. I've never seen that behavior. But it sounds like the way your mother tries to steal the impact of your words. It's another version of shouting someone down. What a freak she is.

Anonymous said...

My mother does the "reapeating my words back at me" during an arguement routine. I try to open a line of converstaino in a way that I intend to be constructive, and to help us resolve things. She takes over the line of thought, to the point of using the exact words back at me, only her intention is to escallate the conflict. She has done this since I was a child, through about my age 40.

I now just tell her that I'm not going there, and she can think what she likes, but she will leave if she uses those tactics with me now.

it is sheer insaniyt, and the others in the family still engage in it too, so I'm the oddball out who thinks it is no okay.

Anonymous said...

I'll be 52 next month and I'm just starting to recognize the insidious abuse I have lived with. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to be physically abused than grow up this way. I am reading everything I can get my hands on, starting here. Thank you for the wisdom and support.

tilljusticeisdone said...

I am so happy to have found this blog.After I became acquainted with this pathology, I was able to understand my mother better...and run for my life! Good luck to you all. It took me almost 50 years, a life-threatening aneurysm and the death of my father to realize that my biological "mommy dearest "could not care less if I were dead or alive. And though she and my brother -another malignant narcissist- worry only about their material (and numerous) posessions and are currently trying to rob me of my father's inheritance -and will most likely succeed- I have the most wonderful and loving husband and a childhood friend whose mother has volunteered to adopt me. I have also found that helping people in need has allowed me not only to connect with others but with myself.
After years of therapy, I've come to realize that the best way to forgive my mother is to give her to God. With malignant narcissists, being angry or bitter is not even an issue because they lack the ability to care about anyone's feelings. So while I forgive her for my own sake , I cannot condone her behavior.
As for my father, he was my mother's enabler -a wonderful man who died after watching his wife ignore his only daughter's life-and-death struggle without being allowed to even phone her. Lucky for me, I was told of his brief illness shortly before he died and thanks to my childhood friend who offered me a place to stay, was able to spend some time with him during the last nine days of his life (despite having traveled thousands of miles, my mother would allow my husband and I to visit between 5 and 7 pm under her constant supervision).
To make a long story short, 25 years ago I left my friends and my country because every time my mother had a fight with my father she would blame it on me. And while at first it was hard and difficult for me to adapt to a new culture away from family and friends, as my adoptive mother told me during my last trip home, I "was able to carve a nice life" for myself, and every day I thank God for bringing me to this country, where I not only met my wonderful soul mate but was able to find myself. God bless you all!

MORGAN62 said...

Help! I am the only child of an aging narcissist. We have no other family. ONLY ME. I have been her emotional caretaker since my father died 25 years ago. The emotional demands and toxic waste she has dumped on me cause me to have a nervous breakdown in my 20s. I moved across the country and I still can't escape her. She shows up on a days notice, becomes hysterical if I say she shouldn;t come, says I'm selfish, don't care; she HAS TO get away, etc. She cannot be reasoned with. And due to the emotional problems I have had, I kind of suck at earning a living, so she some financial leverage to use on me as well. GUILT, GUILT. I don't want love from her, I just want her to go away. Yet I do feel some ethical obligation to her as I am literally the only person she has in this world. Like many narcissists she has no real friends. She is old and sick. I don't want to lose what's left of my life taking care of her. Her blood work is better than mine, she's going to live forever. I hate her. I am in hell.

Bonney boys said...

I had an affair with an ex-boyfriend who turned out to be a narcissist. My husband and I reconciled before the baby that was conceived during that affair was born and now we are 5 1/2 years later in a legal battle over custody of my son. Two of his exes came to my husband and I out of concern for my son and helped us with our case, but the case workers think the bio-dad is a wonderful man who just wants more time with his son. I'm so frustrated with the system b/c this man has engaged in stalker like activity, but passes everything off as "it wasn't my intention...". I don't know what to do now...my son has 3 other brothers now and this man told me the other day "the court has proved that his relationship with me is more important than with his half-siblings" and wants me to make decisions without considering anyone but him.

Anne Whitney said...

I also have a narcissistic mother. I realized some time ago that she had everyone in her spider web and no one would admit it. I was the work horse, the second mom, the one who wasn't allowed to have any needs of my own. I was mocked for wanting my own room,or really just sticking up for myself at all. I remember one time, she left a note on the kitchen table for everyone to see saying "I wash my hair of you" (Come on, at least get the reference right-It's "hands", wash my HANDS of you). She looks like an alien to me. Every facial gesture is plastic, every word is calculated. I don't know her and she will never know me. So I realized recently that I never had a mom. It's good to know I'm not crazy like I always felt around my family. So I'm thinking pretty seriously about cutting off the measly contact I even have now with them-you know enjoy my life with people who don't make me feel like a total loser/weirdo. What a concept.

goyeabean said...

My husband and I have the same problems with his mother. The last straw was when I wanted to spend mother's day with my stepmother for the first time in 7 years, all other mother's days were spent with her. My stepmother raised me from the age of 10 and she couldn't be more my mother if she gave birth to me herself. My MIL told us spending mothers day with my mom was unforgivable because she wasn't really my mom and she didn't fail to remind us that my "real" mom was dead and then did the usual "you're so horrible to me speech". We have not spoken to her since May and life has been so unbelievably peaceful. The fights my husband and I have are virtually nonexistent because she was the instigator in most of them.

My question is should we buy his parents Christmas gifts? We don't speak and even when we did, anything we gave or did for her was denied. She would tell us we never did or gave these things. We had them to our home one year for Christmas, spent over a thousand dollars to make her happy and she turned around and said she spend that Christmas all alone at home. What do we do?

Anna Valerious said...

My question is should we buy his parents Christmas gifts? We don't speak and even when we did, anything we gave or did for her was denied.

I wouldn't recommend that you give your in laws Christmas gifts. That has been an issue fraught with problems for you in the past and it wouldn't be any different now. If you've managed to go no-contact then gift giving would negate what you've accomplished. When I finally broke off all contact with my mother the gift-giving stopped immediately. When you give a gift it is considered an open line of communication by the narcissist.

Enjoy your freedom from having to deal with an ungrateful and lying piece of s**t when it comes to the gift situation. Don't set yourself up for the inevitable back hand that such a gesture on your part would get you. She would love to have an opportunity to really stick it to you if you decided to do something as nice as giving her a gift. She would use it kick you in the teeth. Save yourself the trouble.

goyeabean said...

Thanks. As much as it sucks to know other people are going through this with their loved ones, it is also a comfort to know we're not alone. Stumbling upon your blog was a blessing.

amed said...

I have known for years that my N mother will never change and yet I still have these glimmers of hope that are always shot down by her. It is so disappointing to have a N as a mother. And so unfair. The ONLY thing that gives me comfort is to know that I'm not the only one out there.

And now, at age 37, I still try to have a relationship with her for my child's sake. I don't know why I bother??? She doesn't care about me or my child. She only needs us for her "fix". She is an emotional vampire. I think the only reason she had her children was to ensure a source of "energy" for herself.

D Illuminatus said...

Anna,
As you know I am new here, just stumbling across this blog only recently..

In this short time, this blog has helped me more than anything frankly, helped me put into perspective this insane thing NPD like never before... You are a guiding light here for me at this time, I can only thank you a million times over and pray for the strength to overcome this evil..

Happy New Year Anna!!

Anna Valerious said...

And a very happy New Year to you, too!

Sensei said...

thi blog has saved my life!
everything you wrote rings soo true..
cant thank you enough..
i just had my "last straw" moment during Christmas, in where our gifts were not acknowledged and insulted for not being good enough.. this has gone on for ten years..

its enough, its over. now its time to move on. yes i am f*^king angry and yes, i am expressing it.

thank you

Different123456 said...

Hello, you are amazing and you're blog has helped me through a very difficult time. I just thought I would let you know that the "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers" article (link above)is no longer at geocities but can be found here: http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Thankyou for sharing your courage and determination

Anna Valerious said...

Heh. Cool, thanks! I'll thank Parrish for preserving that web page next time I see him.

carr3501 said...

Oh how comforting to see I am not the only one suceeding in not ever pleasing my N mother. It's late, but I would love to post here and learn more. I wish you all peace
and happiness and non-guilt! I'm not very computer savvy so I hope I can communicate with this blog.

SabraGirl said...

Anna:

Thank you for your words of confirmation and wisdom.

My father died when I was young and my mother, a Narcissist, raised me along with my brother. My mother is now in chronic pain and old. She is in misery and a tortured soul.

A decade ago, I could not put words to my world – as I took her “world” as truth. My husband and I raised our children nearby – as she was a widow and adept as using emotional blackmail. By inheritance, my mother, brother and I were also in business together. As you read my words and look between the lines … you can also hear the hurt.

The pain became so great that though I valued my life … I no longer cared if I lived it.
I lived for my children – to give them a different childhood than I had endured.

I can speak to many of the issues you raise along with those of your many readers. Over the last 10 years, I have come to understand who she is and little by little … who I am. We are not alike, we share little but DNA.

As she is ill, most of her care is by aides at her home. Two of my children now manage her affairs … a source of constant frustration for them and hurt for all of us.

But we all understand “what” we are dealing with and it has bonded us closer together. I can tell you from experience that the process of watching a dying Narcissist creates deep sadness. She is toxic. Her relationships are gone, except for the “newbies” that can’t understand the family’s aloofness to her endless needs. While she suffers from endless infections, her words of description are metaphoric … “I’m filled with poison.”

You are accurate that the easiest way to deal with a Narcissistic parent is to totally reject them and walk away. I have tried to keep one foot in the door, while reminding myself to live my own life and give myself the love and nurturing that my Nmother has not and can not provide. I have no expectations. And, I want no regrets.

I cannot tell you how this story will end as today she was “throwing her emotional darts” at me for not wanting to be part of her funeral arrangements. My stance is that whatever I do for her is a “gift of grace and mercy.” I do, however, retain the right to choose what part I take in her life / do for her.

And, I remind myself that this is “her” journey … and I allow her to live it as she chooses while I continue – to the best of my ability – to heal and live mine.

SabraGirl

Julie Gordon said...

I always look to the Internet when I get frustrated with my mom and recently saw the label NPD. I started reading more into it and realized who my other truly was. It was amazing to see that there were so many others who had similar situations. I have tried different ways of approaching my mother and they always end in the same way...getting the silent treatment. Sometimes a week, sometimes a month, sometimes half a year. That is her go to when she gets annoyed or upset. When I try to ask her how she would feel if I was upset with her and ignored her and her response is thionyl thing I have ever done wrong is love you too much. Go figure.

Becky Halladay said...

I've only recently came upon your blog. I haven't read all of the content yet, but I can already see that you have done amazing work here. I have known for many years that she is a psychopath and capable of insidious cruelty. I have many times established NC only to be drawn back into her viciousness. I decided three years ago to never be drawn back in again and went NC for the last time. Oh, I forgot to mention, I have been battling Hodgkin's lymphoma for the past ten years. I have undergone years of chemo including a bone marrow transplant in 2005. She played an excellent "cancer victim's" parent, but to me she was brutally vicious. During all of this I managed to raise 4 children. On my own. My ex-husband walked out 6 weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer, which of course my NM loved and she sided with him. My youngest daughter was only 3 when I was diagnosed. Now that I am healthy, I want to get on with my life. I was trying to relocate my daughter and I when my ex decided he would stop me by trying to get custody of my daughter with of course, the help of the psychopath. She testified in court against me and my other children and against the wishes of my youngest daughter. I don't know what to do now. We can't relocate. I'm in a state of shock. I'm absolutely terrified of what she will do next. I am terrified of what she is capable of. I know she won't stop until she destroys me completely. I need someone to help me, please. My children are all I have in this world, and she is trying to take them away from me too. She won't leave me alone. I just want her to leave me alone and let me have some peace in my life.

Heidi Marie said...

Your blog is a God-send. While I am saddened that others have suffered like this, it's comforting to know I am not alone. One of the most frustrating/lonely things is that no one believes you, but I see that I am in good company. I pray that everyone here can achieve the happiness and healing they deserve♡

Joan S said...

Almost 2 weeks since my awakening and I'm still getting chills.

MN are so tricky. A few years ago my mother was on her way for a visit. The first thing out of her mouth was asking me if my bills were paid. Nasty like. Truth was I was having serious financial issues and the electricity could be cut off at any time. If my own daughter was in such a predicament that would be the last question I would ask. If I didn't have the resources to help her I would have not mentioned it, unless she did and if she did I would feel for her and be present in that situation.

Most people would say my mother was being caring asking that question. But I know better. She was feeding on my emotions.

Amy said...

A citation from Karen Marie Moning for you and your blog:
Most people are good and occasionally do something they know is bad.
Some people are bad and struggle every day to keep it under control.
Others are corrupt to the core and don’t give a damn, as long as they don’t get caught.
But evil is a completely different creature. Evil is bad that believes it’s good.

bebarnes said...

My mother died in June. I have always know she didn't love me, but didn't know WHY?My life was always a battle ground with her until I moved 100 miles away. I am now nearly 59 years old and just last night found this site. I finally have a name for the poor pathetic evil that ate my mother alive, even though she loved it. It nearly at me alive as well. I tried to make up for the difference when my children came along by allowing her to have them for long periods of time in the summer. BIG mistake. Only now do I realize she was in essence stealing them from me, heart and soul. They love me because I loved them with all my heart and soul and was the the mother I never had. HOWEVER, because of the mental abuse, I suffered from depression my entire life. My mother convinced my children that I was just crazy. She is still abusing me from the grave by exercising her power over my adult children. I may have to cut off my relationship with them as well to end this madness...she poisoned them against me while I wasn't looking! I just didn't know...I found out too late. I love them and we had a wonderful relationship...maybe they will find their way back to me. At east I am free from the hell my mother thought she had me trapped in forever. God's grace set me free.