Friday, January 10, 2020

Book Recommendation

Being an Audible member, a book was recommended to me based on other books I've listened to over the years.  True crime is one of the genres I dip into now and again.  I ignored the recommendation for a few weeks because I didn't know if I wanted to put my toe in that pool again.  The pool of stench that describes Evil Motherhood.  I finally did buy the book, and I could barely put it down.  It is written by a True Crime master, Gregg Olsen.  The title is:  If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood.

If you were raised by an abusive and malignantly narcissistic mother, you may find this book to be triggering.  Proceed with caution.  I freely admit I lived through nothing compared to the daughters of this witch, Michelle Knotek.  What I can also say is that I recognized all of it.  The principles are all the same.  The scale is where the stories differ from mine and maybe yours. 

Knotek was evil. This was evident from a very early age.  Her first victims were her family of origin.  She grew up and moved onto making her own family.  She became a master at looking like she was a loving caregiver.  She lured people into her life who were already vulnerable emotionally and financially.  She killed at least three people who came to live with her while her children were growing up.  She used the cloak of a caregiver to cover her malevolence.  Flattery, generosity, benevolence were her tools to get people close.  Gas-lighting, extreme physical deprivation, divide-and-conquer, physical torture, mental torment, unpredictability, and drugging were her tools of control.  Using others to carry out her will in order to implicate them in her crimes was also her consistent MO.  All these things were familiar to me.  The only difference is the scale.  Michelle was willing to go far further than many evil mothers do, but the tool box is identical.

I found this story reaffirming in a strange way.  It allows me to continue to condemn my mother's tactics in my heart.  I'm in limited contact with my mother and father now.  My mother is into at least moderate dementia.  My father is near death.  My mother is always in history revision mode.  She recreates events to make herself a hero.  It disgusts me.  I rarely interact with her.  Happily, she is my sister's problem.  When dad dies, my sister will inherit mom.  She is well positioned to do this because she has her own adult assisted living home and sister doesn't live on site.  She can keep a distance while taking care of mother dearest.  When my dad dies, which could literally be any day now, I will hold back very little when dealing with mom.  When I rarely talk to her, dad is usually on the phone too which has helped keep Mom in check.  When dad is gone, that check will be gone for her.  And for me, too.  Her lack of restraint will be met with mine.

My mother has zero power in my life.  She has no hold over me.  She knows it, and therefore finds me uninteresting.  It's all good.  I feel badly for my dad, but I also think he's reaping what he sowed.  My mother and father have no contact with my daughter.  My daughter has maintained her distance with my full support.  I allowed limited contact with me after my daughter was well on her own.  That was in 2013.  I have seen my mother twice since then.  My dad thrice.  Before he became too ill to travel, he visited me for a few days without mom in tow.  It was the first and only time in my adult life when I could have a long conversation with my dad without my mother there to interfere.  It was good.  I talked openly about the rift between me, him and my mom.  He listened kindly and well.  He earned some respect from me because of it.

The book of my parents is closing.  First it will be dad.  He is in the final stages of COPD due to those many years of smoking.  Mom is totally dependent on him emotionally and every other way.  She will transfer that dependence to my sister when he goes.  My sister understands that I can't be involved in taking care of Mom when the time comes.  If she resents me for it, I can't tell.  I wouldn't care if she did.

I will now speak of my sister.  She has changed dramatically.  She had long been highly narcissistic as I have described somewhat on my blog, but I can see huge shift in her whole life and thinking processes.  It's been a stunning thing, and a testament to God's power to change a life.  She has been consistent for years now.  The high drama is gone.  She is polite and considerate toward me.  She came for a week long visit a few years ago.  We talked for days on end.  We explored the many ways Mom lied to us about each other.  My sister admitted things she did to me.  She apologized sincerely and without equivocation.  I don't speak to her often, but when we do connect it feels right.  We are friends for the first time ever in our lives.  She doesn't play the victim card, she doesn't excuse her behavior by blaming how mom raised her.  It's hard to keep up this level of change for almost seven years.  She makes no demands on me.  I think she's finally grown up.  I contrast the huge changes in my sister with my mother who hasn't changed a wit.  My mother acts like she's a saint, but sister and I are not fooled.  Mother lacks the mental agility to manipulate with any efficiency.  She is rendered harmless by the deterioration of her brain, but she is still odious. 

Like the Knotek sisters, I hate my mother, yet she was my mother and part of me loves her.  It is a hard dichotomy to explain, but those of us with these kind of mothers understand perfectly.  


Alexis said...

I too had a very narcissistic and abusive (physically and emotionally) mother. My father (who walked out when I was barely three) was full on NPD, although neither malicious nor malevolent, just lazy. I divorced them both along time ago (I'm 65 now), although we maintained contact until they both died. I loved them both in my way--call it biological love--realizing they loved me as well as they were able to, which wasn't very well. The pain and sorrow my sister and I felt when they died was immense, but short-lived--I had already mourned their "passing" from my life a long time earlier. I don't miss either of them. Still, they made me what I am today, and for that I am grateful.

Thankfully, neither my sister nor I ended up like them. We both have little bits of narcissistic personality traits, but they don't dominate our characters--far from it. Because of my mother's abuse, we bonded together because we knew emotionally that it was us against her. I don't know that I would have survived if not for her; she says the same.

tylerchill said...

I hate my mother, yet she was my mother and part of me loves her. It is a hard dichotomy to explain, but those of us

I understand this perfectly. It means mother was mentally ill and we didn’t inherit it.

tylerchill said...

I have this very unscientific theory that malignant narcissists are made not born. And that their children who encounter the full force of this narcissism the earliest in their development, before they could speak or defend themselves, suffer the most in life.

BUT those very children, if gifted with a good solid native intelligence, are the most motivated to defeat the effects of this horrible malignancy because they have no other option. They study, they blog they comment they engage they talk they seek therapy and keep seeking therapy until someone somewhere gets it. Or, more likely, if no one gets it in its entirety they aggregate the sum of all their therapies and encounters, good and bad, and form a understanding that works and allows them to form reasonable facsimile of a good life.

Siblings who served the role of golden child have most difficult work in that they are neither here nor there in the effects. They are narcissists but not committed to the cause. They are selfless but not committed to that cause either. They are understanding but not to the level a four year old scapegoat might know.

So your brother or sister not suffering the full radiation may be redeemable. Entire religions were formed around redemption so perhaps we serve a purpose.

Alexis said...

Tylerchill, your comment-- "They are narcissists but not committed to the cause. They are selfless but not committed to that cause either" -- was so utterly apt that it almost brought tears to my eyes.

I was a "golden child"--smart, talented, beautiful. It took me a long time to get over it, because (very early on, to my benefit) I got out in the world and learned that there were people who were smarter, more talented, more capable, more beautiful than I was. I realized I was simply one among many--and that was ok.

It helped that I've always been a watcher--an observer (of myself as well)--learning and assimilating constantly, although not always aware that I was doing so. But I'm an artist (of a kind); a line from my reading that has always stayed with me: It is the function of the artist to take in more than he can know.

tylerchill said...

Alexis. Let's give due to the source of our troubles : conditional love from our parents is not love but extortion. I was thinking that to a certain degree being one of many is a joy not a punishent. Some of the most friendless people I've known were smart talented and beautiful but were denied the inner compass of self compassion. I've learned the hard way that true knowing often means trusting all your senses not just your intellect. Hence the purpose of artists in our lives.

Rose said...

I checked your blog today with the view of linking it for my son's girlfriend (who is dealing with a narc. in her family) - I was not expecting to find some recent posts!
Lovely to see you are still around and doing well.
When I first became aware of narcissism, and had my "lightbulb moment" of realising why trying to maintain a relationship with my mother was so fraught, your blog was one of the first the Lord led me to in order to help find my way to truth.
Thank you for helping to shed light, for me and many others.
All the best for 2020.

Rita said...

Thank you. I just ordered the book. While narcissism was never to this degree in my family, the abuse was.

Rita said...

Once I got the book and started reading it, I couldn't put it down. Thank you for sharing the information about this book.

Tundra Woman said...

(Huh, let’s see if I can wrangle a new password out of Wordpress: I can manage an A for identifying stuff but an F in wordpressing.)

I’m always gratified when you stop by and fill us in-thank you! Oh how very, very ironic Mommy-Dearest has dementia. We’ll have to assume it’s a berry, berry Speshall form of dementia called “Gracious Dementia” that can only be observed by other berry, berry Speshall individuals like Paul Newman and her other dear friend Sophia Loren ;-) Of course she’ll have to hallucinate them into existence but she’s Olympic Level at that skill and has been for decades. Glad to see it put to (potentially nefarious) use where it can be medicated into compliance if necessary.

This situation reminds me of a Kathy K post where she asserted these freaks actually *do* screw up their own brains by continually scrambling Reality into a vibrant stew of Abusive WTF-ery-which we could live with if it wasn’t so overseasoned with copious amounts of “ALL ABOUT MEEEE!” (Remind your sister to close down Mommy-Dearest’s “MEEEEEE” corporate account by calling 1-900-Batshitcrazy.) Any alleged outstanding balance was paid in full subsequent to having decades of your life extorted by a skilled, sadistic post partum Manipulator who, for example based her decisions regarding birth control on your shoulders at about the tender age or 4 or 5-because isn’t that what typically selfish, agenda-driven irresponsible parents do?! Mine physically died without ever hearing a sound from me again aside from when she ambushed me at my home by “dancing” around it while performing her original “Aria in Decrepitude Adult Toddler Tantrum” and “Interpretive HUH? Dance” with her coin-scratching-the-windows technique in the event she was somehow missed by the entire neighborhood. Unfortunately she was sidetracked when I conversationally told her I was at the moment inviting the State Troopers by phone to her show which resulted in a sudden stage fright and retreat on her part to the closest interstate. Oh, the memories....

I am sorry to hear about your Dad. It appears he’s made genuine amends even though it’s way late in the game. I wish more of these parents would stop attempting to manipulate their estranged adult offspring with crystal ball predictions of how sorry they’re gonna be when the parents die (heh, that would be a straight up “Nope!”) and concentrate instead on cleaning up their side of the street. After all, they really need to remember who’s gonna write their obituary. Just sayin’. And your sister, hmmm....she seems to have a pattern of years of behaving like a human being and then flipping the switch. Protect your heart please, Anna. You are loved, respected (reified actually, in certain quarters!) and deeply, deeply appreciated. Be well, my friend!

Anna Valerious said...

Thank you for dropping by, TW. And thank you for the highly entertaining comment. It is apparent you've read every word of the blog! One minor correction: I was around 14-15 when Mommie-Dearest came to me regarding her failed birth control issues.

Your comment here was so colorful I had to read it to my husband who had some good belly laughs along with me. You have a gift.

Your Most Highly Excellent Abuser surely outdid herself with that unrehearsed scene at your home. WOW

Yes, I am keeping my eyes open and my heart is not depending on my sister staying sane. Although it's been seven years since we re-established contact and she hasn't screwed me over yet.

Thank you again for your wonderful comment here. Thank you for your kind words, too. All the best to you, Tundra Woman.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

If those Knotek sisters still love their mother, something is wrong with them, but then they should have maybe seen a prison cell too. I don't think they deserved full sentences as sociopaths put undue influence on teen children, but these girls went to school while their mother starved and beat disabled people and DID NOTHING.

I wrote a controversial post on my blog some time ago where I was offended at those who preached love and forgiveness for the most sociopathic including the BK Killer.

I have to admit your post disturbed me, where you mentioned a GC supposedly narcissistic sister changing. Most will not have their GC [if truly with NPD] change. When I was a fundamentalist Christian, I deconverted and have since left Christianity, I remember the talk about "God changing people" and "testimonies" which actually helped to enable abusive people to continue harming others.

Maybe your sister never was truly NPD, I don't know.....but those false religious promises can set people up to be re-offended against. A person who isn't NPD, may be able to change, and introspection will come, but those who are malignant and with it, that is never going to happen.

I also get worried when people wax on about "love" for abusers. Please be mindful of the ACONS who do not love their abusers, and who have been shamed for not producing emotions of fondness for those who tried to destroy them.

Sadly in our authoritarian and toxic religious society, even if a parent, beats and starves you, one is told they "must love them". Even the horribly abused Turpin children showed the same messages to "love and forgive" sociopathic parents.

With the Turpin children, I wrote:

"The evil are empowered on multiple levels in this society. Those who enact the worse crimes who don't have a sorry bone in their bodies, are excused and empowered while their victims or families of their victims are told to "forgive". I understand moving forward from abusers, but why are are their victims told over and over to suppress all emotions, to "forgive" and to give them place after place? This is especially strong in some religious circles.

I loved your blog for years, in fact finding your blog years ago, helped me so much. This post worries me though.

Please be careful of telling people that God will change their abusers or flying monkeys or GC's in a family.

Today I see conservative Christianity as teaching many false and harmful things when it comes to abuse and "forgiveness". Evil is enabled in many of these circles.

I think there is something insidious about love for sociopaths being pushed in these notorious cases. I hope you can take the time to understand what I am warning of here. Thanks for the book recommendation. I would like to read it but I can tell some of those messages are probably in this book too.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I remembered I read the book [saw a TV show] and read reviews of it. I was horrified. Well the article will explain. I hope what I have written will get you to rethink things.


bostonjogger16 said...

Hi Anna,

I am an adult child of the narcissistic adopted mother, and I read several of your blogs in the past. Several of my online friends who met me at several Facebook groups told me that your blogs helped them a lot. They read your blogs alongside Kathy Kracjo's blogs that enabled them to differentiate whether they have narcissistic parents or not. They chose to join support groups before they decided that going no contact is the best way to handle their problems.

I had to go no contact because my adopted mother abused me severely that several therapists planned to take some legal protective actions if I forgave my adopted mother and continued to contact her. The therapist also contacted authorities making sure my adopted mother no longer had access to children and vulnerable adults.

I am disturbed when you switched your advice for ACONs to go no contact to make suggestions that we should consider forgiving our sadistic, malignant narcissistic. Forgiveness and reunification with our sadistic, malignant narcissistic are very dangerous. Even if scapegoat adult children became happily married with children, have a great job, and prosper financially, they still have to deal with smear campaigns that they could lose their job, income, reputation, or friends. I had problems with smear campaigns against me even though I live over 1,000 miles away from each other.

Another reason to stay no contact is that sadistic, malignant narcissistic do not want to see other people be happy, successful, prosperous, and well to do. To make a story short, sadistic malignant narcs do not like seeing other people happy, close to others, and thriving. If your family appears to be supportive, they might have a milder form of narcissism or do not have severe narcissistic traits. My adopted mother was never like that, so I could not reunite with her.

Why couldn't I just forgive and come back? Because my adopted mother is unsafe. For example, my adopted brother died in the inpatient mental hospital program because he lost his reputation that people who worked at a psychiatric hospital did not believe him. My adopted mother slandered against him to cover her buttocks.

I plan to read the book you recommended soon, but I could not reunite with my sadistic, malignant narcissistic mother. I have to take care of myself. I hope you will respect other ACONs and my decision to go no contact. I was disappointed because your blogs helped me and many ACONs. When you changed stances and positions, it made me and some ACONs wondering we are dealing with a traitor. I would like to ask you to respect our decision to keep ourselves safe by not contacting our sadistic malignant narcissist parents who chose not to become religious.

Anna Valerious said...

Why are my decisions that only concern my life some kind of traitorous move on my part? I am not advocating other people make the same decision I have made. Far from it. I was being honest about the changes in my life and what factored into my decision to allow LIMITED contact with my Nmom and my sister. I wasn't asking anyone for permission. My advice on my blog hasn't changed. And I haven't endangered anyone with my choices. I respect other people's right to make any decision that enables them to cope with the narcissists in their lives. I have never told people they HAVE to go no contact because that isn't my business.

I think you all should consider that I've made a very informed decision about my own life and you should consider respecting it. This isn't a clubhouse, and I haven't broken rules that should result in me being kicked out of some group. Sheesh. Feels like fucking high school around here.

Have some class, people. I haven't advocated anything in my latest post. I simply explained some of the changes in my life over the last 10 years. I am not telling people to make the same decisions I have. Quit over-reacting and read what I actually said. I carefully explained how my decision was based on the fact that these two women are not in a position to hurt me or my family. If they happen to slip back into old ways, I know how to shut the door in their faces. The situation is well-contained, and no one out there in Internet Land gets to tell me how to live my life.

Give me some credit for being honest with ya'll. I DID NOT SWITCH MY ADVICE. I made some personal decisions that don't change a damned thing I've written. Lighten up.

Anna Valerious said...

500 pound peep,

I will not be posting more of your comments. You are determined to misrepresent me and what I have said. You twist my words, you fuel conspiracy theories and you come off as imbalanced mentally. Seriously, did you go off of your meds? I'm concerned for you.

You appear to be someone who revels in a victim status. I wouldn't want to tear that away from you. I suspect you need it to justify your own failures.

On the other hand, my blog was written by me to help people reclaim their lives from the narcissists. I also emphasized that it was my hope to help people move past being victims to start building their own good life. When I announced that I would no longer be blogging with any regularity, back in 2009, it was because it was past time for me to stop dwelling on the subject of narcissism. I had offered all the wisdom I'd acquired over the years; I didn't feel like I had much more to give people beyond what I'd already written. I moved on.

You come across as someone who has no will to move beyond being a victim of a narcissist. I feel sorry for you. You have some kind of circle jerk thing going on at your blog where you have a posse of people to reinforce your world view. You feel free to attack me, my motives, my blog because I said something you've twisted into something I didn't say or even imply. There is nothing more I can say to someone who reads with no comprehension. So this is the last I will ever say to you.

Do you really think it will hurt me because you won't be recommending my blog to other ACON's? It doesn't hurt me. It may hurt the people who you direct away from my blog, but it doesn't hurt me. You come off as petty and ridiculous and mean.

Another thing that highlights your lack of reading comprehension is to assert that I'm somehow an imposter. Anyone who has read my writing at any length would know this is me. You can think whatever you want; it doesn't mean you're right. Being offended doesn't mean you're right. Go back to whatever hole your crawled out of and leave me alone. Especially since you want to believe I'm an imposter. Why waste your time wrestling verbally with a phantom blogger? As for me, I am more than done with you and people like you: petty, twisted up and needlessly accusatory.

Tundra Woman said...

What in the ever loving hell did you people read INTO in this Blog post? This is nothing but straight up Projection on your part to masquerade your own fears, follies and failings to deal with your own abuse. You have labored mightily to spin the post into a Straw Man to promote your own agenda, confabulated ridiculous allegations regarding this post and MADE IT ALL ABOUT YOU. I recall repeatedly sticking my literary boot way up a few asses to assist the recipient to even consider NC with their abusers: Remember how YOU never told ANYONE about your own abuse when YOU “went to school every day?” Children DO NOT HAVE ADULT AGENCY rendering your criticism of THOSE VICTIMS minimally a False Equivalency. Shame on ANYONE for holding ANY child responsible for adult’s choices. ACONS endlessly contemplate the *narcissists’s pathological NEED to CONTROL.* However, this is exactly what your charges endeavor to do by re-writing the Post to press your baseless suit for conjuring up some spurious umbrage unsupported directly, indirectly, by inference, by sorcery, by use of the Large Hadron Collider, etc. “Disrespected” your choices? A “Traitor?” That’s a hella grossly fallacious allegation considering the Post in situ and this Blog in it’s entirety. If you insist on making it allllll about you, start with some heavy duty introspection by revisiting your comments and recognize they clearly expose (beyond an appalling lack of reading comprehension) YOU. And FFS, take your Hobby Horse called FEAR hiding under your fabricated comeuppance and ride that bitch off a cliff. NOTE there are several Posts within this Blog on “Forgiveness” conveniently condensed for your perusal under the highly inflammatory title of “Forgiveness” on the side of the front page of this Blog. Gasp and pearl clutch, NOTHING *anywhere* in this Blog preaches “forgive your abuser” or “forget” them or your abuse.
People ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a Blog-this is exactly why. I call Bull Shit where I see it, not in defense of any individual (particularly one clearly not requiring any) but in response to unwarranted, unsupported and self-serving allegations specifically purposed to promote their own unresolved ACON crap. What a ridiculously odious bag of cheap shots directed towards an individual who has contributed so much to this community you profess to care for very much. Indeed, what is apparent is flagrant self-promotion: Your cardboard halo is as broken and useless as your assertions.
Bah. You people disgust me.

Anna Valerious said...


As per usual, you rock. Thank you for defending the blog against spurious attack and giving me the best entertainment I'll have today.

Tundra Woman said...

Oh! Well, please delete the next oneS coming your way because this one didn’t appear to post! Unless of course, they’re good for redundant entertainment value :-)

Anna Valerious said...

No worries. I deleted the 20 or so dups! Remember that comments are moderated, and it sometimes takes me awhile to get around to approving or trash canning them.

Tundra Woman said...

And you, bostonjogger, my response above includes YOU. However, it’s abundantly clear you’re new to this community and very ambivalent regarding your NC decision. How do I know that? Because you felt compelled to unnecessarily explain, rationalize, intellectualize, pull in supporting “experts” to support your NC decision in exquisite detail instead of living comfortably within your own Truth. I *will* cut you some slack in view of your nascent ACON experience with a caution to read widely and take the care and the time to digest the Blogger’s POV. Read their Blog *in it’s entirety yourself* before you start commenting. Do NOT assume everyone who has an ACON Blog is reasonably mentally healthy, stable and transparent regarding their limitations and challenges: We ALL have stuff. It’s just the Human Condition. Beware anyone who presents as a chronic victim under siege, can not live without some “injustice” to rail against, actively solicits pity-not empathy, not sympathy-has been around for years and is STILL “in rut” regarding their ACON experience.
Ambivalence is normal: However, why do you so deeply believe you must explain your decision in detail to ANYONE? Ponder THAT reality. It’s overkill: *There is no Pain And Suffering ACON Olympics.* No one, including your august “Therapist” is gonna award you a Gold Medal for NC. And if you’re seeking to establish ACON Cred, you HAVE THAT inherently without all the details simply by showing up at a site for ACONS. That’s called ACCEPTANCE by others whose default is you are who you say you are until you unmask yourself otherwise.
What is NOT acceptable is your attempt to shame a well established and respected Blogger because why? Clearly you set this Blogger up in your mind on some kind of pedestal, as some Fantasy Figure to emulate and WTF is THAT about? YOU. NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO ADHERE TO YOUR SCRIPT, YOUR FANTASY or what ever crap YOU THINK and conjured out of your OWN brain defines them OR their decisions.
SIT DOWN. You’re waaayy out of your depth here and your over-reach is as defenseless as it is baseless. I am NOT impressed. As an ACON I expect you to think independently, to increase your knowledge, understanding and yes, ACCEPTANCE of your experience as manifested by a lack of defensiveness and projection on other ACONS. I am in very short supply of tolerance for uninformed bull shit “opinions” and thinly veiled threats because somehow, a Blogger did not meet your entirely self-generated conception of a foggy, unspecified Ideal of an ACON. Stop it: This mindset reflects on YOU as simple and ignorant.

Sue said...

Dear Anna, so glad the narcs are no longer able to busy-body in your life. Glad to hear that your sister has grown up. i had followed your blog some years back and your posts helped me out alot, how to simply ignore narcish people, because scoffers are going to scoff, that's what they do. Anyway, so glad you are free to blog, or not blog. Bless you and have a great day.

Unknown said...

I am so happy for you and you are so lucky your mother is getting dementia.
alot of kids adult children from good mothers or non narc mothers could not hope their parents to get dementia. but its a protective agent.
the narc older mother is seen as fragile when in old age she can be more full of rage envy and want nothing but pure hatred from others. my mom was happy to know she hurt her own mother so badly she died knowing she had to protect herself by keeping her daughter and son and law out of her life.
they had her falsely committed after not visiting or seeing her for over thirty years. my mother and grandmother had not lived in the same country since the late 1960's and she came back decades later to visit but ended up lying about my angel of a grand mother lying about her being insane or an alcholic and dangerous to herself when in reality is was nothing but sicko narc moms projecting her own self onto her ( she attacked my grand mother after I went no contact) the abusing had become such an addiction and a need to control and harm a victim scapegoat that they both left the country to victimize and lie about an innocent person they had not seen for decades. the scary thing is their ability to con others in the system and or find other bullies and abusers to do their bidding ( flying monkeys enablers)
until she dies unless she gets arrested for being criminal or gets found out that shes committing crimes ( yes lying to the police and doctors to have someone falsely committed is a crime) they lied and people abused my grand mother I felt so angry that she laughed like a psychopath when she said how badly she hurt her own mother.
my grandmother died before she was supposed to come live with me.
that would have been awesome to have a lady on my side in my own family something I never experienced since they ,left the country in order to not have any iterferrance in the family who they wanted to victimize. which was me.
until she becomes senile or she passes away the smear campaign reusing your relationships lying about your character and making up false narratives to try to harm you and your life career and future and take everything you love from you is always going to be her Aim and goal. its been her goal since before my birth. me being female fit right into the need she had for a scapegoat to victimize. like I said you are so lucky I wish mine would fall into hell or would go senile I cant wait for her to be gone. she is pure evil. she is the kind of mother that enjoyed harming your pets killing kittens etc.. out of jealousy. she is way sicker I think than your mother ever was. but I dont know so I wont assume.
I am happy for you cant wait for me to say that about my life. I am going to have a party when she gets a ride to hell( and yes I have shared the gospel with her and tried to have her chose God and Jesus . she rejected Him she denied him and said Christians are weak she doesn't need God she is a good person so she rejected him I tried long enough and im done. done done

Tundra Woman said...

Unknown, I’ve been thinking of you ever since your comment posted. I had your “mother,” right down to the professional (and every other way) sabotage, destruction of someone we loved through all possible means (to include nefarious/illegal tactics) abject depravity and truly, annihilation of anything we loved-I had a kitten too. I still have the heart wrenching letters my loved one wrote me while in the care-finally-of Adult Protective Services. And yet despite my begging, pleading, creating a wing in my home exclusively for her to live with me and still have her privacy etc. she went back to her abusers based on yet MORE lies they told her. She went back because she loved their children and felt she could best protect them by being present for them. She couldn’t even protect herself and I couldn’t protect her either. She’s been dead for 17 yrs. now and I still miss her every day.

Your description of your lovely grandmother is such a beautiful and deeply touching testament to a wonderful human being. How fortunate you have been to have each other. It’s clear how much she loved you as well. When we have a “mother” who is unquestionably evil, the presence of people such as these loving others in our lives offers such respite from the relentless hammering the evil do to us. They do not want us to succeed, they have no “low” to how far they will go to destroy us in every way and are the antithesis of all that is kind, decent and loving in this world. I DID in fact have a big blow out party when I was able to confirm my biomother’s physical death as I had no contact with her at all for decades (aside from her ambush I mentioned above.) My party had a Theme: “Ding Dong The Bitch Is Dead”-and a good time was had by all :-)

Your pain not only from your grandmother’s death but from the unfairness, the indignities she endured in her last years is palpable as well. I don’t know much but I do know evil exists, life is unfair, the good guys don’t always win and I can’t control other people or even protect them from themselves or the evil others *who are proxy abusing us by abusing and humiliating anyone we love.* It’s been a Life Lesson in Humility, Powerlessness-and indescribable pain. I am so sorry for your loss of your “One Loving Person,” this beautiful grandmother who protected you as best she could, who loved you with all she had and who will live on in your head and your heart to your own last breath. Her Legacy to you is Love: Pass it on, {{{unknown}}}

Rhubarb said...

Hello Anna V,

I just wondered by and was so happy to notice this new post and update by you!!

I would like to take this opportunity to reflect back on what your blog meant to me, back in the hey-day so to speak, and to express my truly profound gratitude. I was one of your regular readers and commenters, back when there was almost nothing on the internet about N’s. And back when the few books on the topic usually described them as rare and unusual (LOL), and pretty much never described the impact in the targets in helpful ways. I know I was one of many in that I LIVED for your posts as I was piecing together a shattered reality from the mess of clues N’s leave behind. And I couldn’t have done it without you and your commitment to spreading knowledge and power to ACON’s and other N targets. Truly, THANK YOU!

I learned here that N’s are not rare. And yes, they do come in “Family Value Packs” too!! When I had just been reading on my own, without you and the community here, I had started to feel paranoid because the more I educated myself the more I was seeing these “rare” N’s all over the place. But when I came here, my own observations were being enhanced, expanded and reflected back by you and the lively comment section. You provided great information and support, as well as a place for us commenters to “compare notes” and realize how these N’s all seemed to read the same stupid manual.

Remember “bathroom barging”? I don’t know how THAT thread started, but we all suddenly realized that many N’s had a tendency to barge into bathrooms with very thin excuses? Um, what?? It was hilarious at times, which really helped the staggering task we had to undo the brainwashing of the N’s. I also recall us comparing notes on how N’s tend to “lose function” over time, be it a former level of wit, intelligence, or just functioning. They have just been riding the personal BS train WAY too long...

I am glad for you that you have been able to navigate some type of distanced and careful contact with your sister. I don’t generally expect something like this to happen of course, as I know it is far more likely not to, but I certainly have heard that in certain instances some N’s do actually chill the hell out somewhat as they age - - especially if they are also aging out of their personal style of tools and have trouble replacing them with viable alternatives. I am glad this has worked out for you so far. My guess (from the outside!) is that I doubt this would have ever happened if you had been providing supply all along; it probably helped her a lot that you are so strong and had done her the immense favor of being no contact. I feel that the more “suppliers” they can experience having mastery of, the less likely they are to try to ever recalibrate their behavior. And the farther they go in, the harder to ever get out...

Anyway - I just wanted to take an opportunity to say a big thank you for all your work putting this blog up, putting this information out there, and generously sharing your hard won knowledge. I am sure the effects of the help you provided would be impossible to ever know!!

It is an understatement to say that you have my thanks and appreciation! I am glad you sound like you have many good things in your life now, post N, me too!

August Rose said...

Hey Anna,

We were in touch some time ago, I emailed you some dialogue between my mom and I to help come to terms with her narcissism. Your blog and the emails we exchanged were vital to my growth and I'm happy to report that 4 years later, I'm living a successful life free of drama and my mom sits contently at arm's length, no contact was needed for some time but not permanently. I show your blog regularly to others I've met who are in need of guidance, as the subject of narcissism is quite distant to me now. From all the learning I've done, I can allow my intuition and some quiet analysis to inform the capacity of someone's presence in my life; it's quite simple now.

I was showing your blog to someone and came upon this post. I'm looking forward to reading this! Any materials you give are always well thought out so I enjoy accessing them.

Thank you for all your guidance and patience in helping me, and for keeping this blog active on the internet so as to help others.

Hellboy said...

Dear Anna,

First of all, thank you very much. I was a very avid reader of your blog before, and it helped me HEAPS. It really made me identify the problems in my life and weed out the narcissistic horrible people in my life, and also thanks to the support of my wife (who came from a normal family), take the right decisions.

I am very much indebted to you - I have said this before to you in my communications.

I do visit your blogspot once in a while, just to see if there are any updates, etc, and I am intrigued by the fact that your sister has changed. I feel that she probably wasn't affected too much by the Narcissistic "blow torch" that is aimed by the main Narcissistic person in the family. This "blow torch" is wielded by that person, in order to either "burn" or "wield" the family person, so that he/she is happy - either outcome is beneficial to them.

In my case, my Narcissistic father held that blow torch of course on all of us; I withered, my mother turned into his lackey and sister moulded into be a more vicious (but less intelligent) replica of himself.

Initially, when I had just got married to my fabulous wife, I was unsure of what's right and what's wrong. But your blogs and also Kathy's book, helped me immensely.

Thanks very much,