Monday, May 12, 2008

Writing Letters; Good Idea or Bad Plan?

In the comments on my post of April 27, 2008 a line of discussion developed on the pros and cons of writing letters, especially kiss-off letters, to the narcissist in your life. Some say yes...some say no.

I say yes and no. It depends. Maybe.

You may or may not have noticed my lack of dogmatism on this point if you have read much here. That is because it really depends on circumstances and personalities as to whether or not it is a good idea to put pen to paper. It is a personal decision you have to make because only you can ascertain whether, in your circumstance, it is better to write or not write. You know the characters in your particular play. You know yourself. You get to decide.

The 'no letter' crowd are more vocal about their position. They have good reason to believe that it is an exercise in futility. A waste of time. It can hand ammo to the enemy. These are excellent points and you must carefully weigh them when making your decision.

You had better know your own mind very well before embarking on a letter writing course. If your thoughts are not crystallized, if they are not well-organized, if you are uncertain of your position; these are contraindications for writing a letter.

For my family and circumstances letter writing was the right plan. I am competent with the written word. There were many things that had never been said before and I wanted them out there. And I wanted to be able to say those things without interruption. I have the type of family members that I knew would read every word I wrote...and then re-read them. So even long letters were an option. If the narcissist you're dealing with has a short attention span then you would need to consider that fact. The most important aspect for me was having a record of everything. It was something I deeply felt I needed. I wanted a record of exactly what I said because my family members are big on revisionism. I wanted to be able to quote chapter and verse what I said so they couldn't get away with that. Just as important to me was having a written record of what they have said. This has been invaluable to me. Because my family are even more inclined to rewrite their own words.

My family members were highly confident of their ability to carry off their deceptions and sleight of hand tricks on paper as well as they are able to do face-to-face. Their confidence worked in my favor. My mother, my father and my sister in turn all began with great confidence. They were sure of their ability to pull one over in writing. Only too late did my mother recognize how the written word works against her. When I could hold her to her words and when I could prove she was twisting my words, she backed into her corner and quivered in fear. My sister isn't as smart as my mother, so sister dearest still has enough hubris to come at me again, after two years, in writing. She will likely regret her decision. My point is, narcissistically-driven people don't see how they reveal so much of themselves when they write things down. The written word is tangible. Solid. Grab-able. You can grab their words and hold them to it. Because it is written they are greatly hindered in their habit of taking back what they say. That worked beautifully in my situation. Because they are so unprincipled they contradict themselves or outright lie because they only have their eye on the outcome they are pursuing. Getting what they want from you. If you can get them to write down their responses to you then you are able to document their lies. Guaranteed. They talk, they write, they lie. It is nice to get those lies down in black and white.

I really believe that people know in their gut whether or not it is useful to write an kiss-off letter listing some of the reasons for saying bye-bye. I have no regrets for having written letters, kiss-off and otherwise. Those letters are invaluable to me. I have assembled a fat file filled with my letters and their responses. Forever and ever I have written proof of who they are. (I have redundant copies in various places to ensure they don't get lost.) They each in their turn completely revealed themselves on paper. I have all the proof I need that these people should not be in my life. In the early days when I could still have moments in insecurity about my decision to cut them off (particularly my mother) I could go back and re-read the letter exchanges. Those letters, both mine and theirs, contain proof. Proof that I did everything I could to try to persuade them to reason. Proof that I extended myself to the uttermost in order to attempt to save some kind of relationship. Proof that they rejected my efforts and would only agree to their own terms. Totally unacceptable terms. Unlivable terms that I had lived with for four decades.

Obviously, I am pro-letter under certain circumstances. But I am also very aware that with some narcissists it would be a complete waste of time. Or worse. When I wrote my letters I was extremely careful to not hand my family ammo to shoot me up with. I succeeded brilliantly with that. I didn't give them handles on my emotions. I was able to protect myself. If you are not confident you can do that with letters then it is best to not write. Yes, my mother showed my letters to those in her circle of sycophants to prove what an evil daughter I am. That doesn't matter to me. In my mind, if anyone could read my letters to my mother and still perceive me as being evil, then screw 'em. I don't need people like that around me. Their opinion is of no weight in my estimation. Mommy dearest showing my letters to people she was sure would support her is not, in my opinion, using my letters as ammo. No, what I'm talking about is whether or not my family could use my own words to prove to me that I'm a bad person. I said nothing to them that I want to take back. I said what I meant and meant what I said. And I didn't shoot below the belt. They can't guilt me with my own words. Also, I didn't dwell on or make a point of my negative feelings be it hurt, anger, frustration, etc. I kept on the subject of behavior. Theirs and mine. Stay away from describing how they hurt you. That is rich fodder for their future plans of annihilation of you. This is what I'm talking about when referring to using your words as ammo to shoot you up with. Do not tell them what makes you tick.

Did my family accept my arguments? Did they understand me? Hell, no. If you are writing a letter expecting those outcomes, then fugeddaboudit. In that sense, letters are a waste of your time. If you're writing a kiss-off letter, remember, they are for kissing them off. Not for persuasion. My letter writing was a bigger effort than kissing my family off. I started each letter writing campaign as an effort to try to do what I could to save some semblance of a relationship with them knowing that if I didn't achieve that outcome at least I would have proof to myself that I tried. Ultimately, I ended up with each of them in turn having to write that final letter closing off contact. But I think I've shown there are other outcomes you can be going for when writing a letter besides an expectation of gaining their understanding. In fact, you never approach a narcissist hoping they will gain insight or understanding from your words. That would just be stupid.

The last letter I wrote to my sister didn't definitively shut the door forever. I left a little ray of hope that someday I would contact her again to see if she had grown up yet. The reason I did that was because I was quite conflicted about blowing her off forever. She isn't an evil genius like my mother. Sister is very narcissistically driven, but I can't be sure she is a malignant narcissist. I can't be entirely sure because I have maintained a large emotional distance from her all my life because she was so consistently untrustworthy. She would pull out emotional knives at unpredictable junctures, so I learned to keep the emotional walls up with her very early on. I can't answer the question of whether or not she is predatory. It feels like she is with me, but I can't know if I'm the exception or the rule.

Because I didn't slam the door completely shut I am now faced with her latest attempt to persuade me she is changed. I am presently in the position of deciding whether to write or not write. I know it will only accomplish one thing if I do write her--she will leave me alone again. For awhile. I am inclined to write for that reason alone. Persuasion? Reconciliation? No, those will not be my objectives. Her email proves she in exactly the same place she was two years ago. Her so-called proofs that she is changed actually prove to me she is utterly unchanged. She is also playing games in her email. I want to call her on it really badly.

So, off I go to spend some considerable mental horse power deciding for sure whether I'll write...and if I do...what I'll say. That reminds me of one other reason to write. I start composing in my head and there is no stopping it until I get it out in writing and I say it just the way I think I need to say it. Only then can I stop the infernal persecution of composing at 4:00 a.m. when I would rather be sleeping. My private analysis of my sister's non-apology letter that I wrote in the week following my buh-bye letter to her was done for this reason. I never sent that analysis to her. Just getting it down in writing silenced the composer in me.

Anyway. Wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

I wrote a letter that really doesnt put me in a good light- I was livid and fustrated and annoyed. I dont care what his or
anyone else opinion is - he is gone from my life and that is what

Anna Valerious said...

he is gone from my life and that is what matters.

You are the one who decides whether or not you think the outcome of a letter was beneficial to you in some sense. I agree with you...if your letter resulted in ousting the narcissist it was a successful endeavor. Congrats!

Anna Valerious said...

P.S. I don't think you have to conceal all your frustration and anger when you write a narcissist a letter. I just advise avoiding too much revelation of one's emotional state if there is any expectation the narcissist will be sticking around to stick it to you. Biological family narcissists are much more likely to stick around. So one has to consider that fact when dealing with them. It is much more likely that an ill-conceived letter to a bio family member is gonna come back to bite ya in the ass.

Jeannette Altes said...


Good luck in composing... ;-)

I have thought about letter writing to my mom, but I don't think it would help me. But then I haven't fully decided how far to distance yet, either. So...

none said...

I don't like writing letters to resolve conflicts but it's the only way with my N Father. He is such a coward he won't talk about anything negative face to face. If I give him irrefutable evidence on the phone of his misdeeds, he will just hang up. Since he is such a pathetic coward he loves to hide behind letters. Letters are his chosen medium to presume to know how I think and pontificate about how I could be a better person, if only I would listen to his sage advice. I have responded back to his letters but not because I thought I would score any victories with him. I just know in my case it's the only way I can convey any point of view without him shutting me out or twisting my words. Narcissists are masters of manipulation but a well written letter can take that wind right out of their sails.

Anna Valerious said...

but a well written letter can take that wind right out of their sails


Anonymous said...

I would not bother personally. What would I write "you wounded me this way" or "you wrecked my self-esteem", as if my interlocutor had the capacity for ethics or moral conscience? When I once told my narcissist father that as a result of his abuse I was in therapy and on anti-anxiety drugs, a look of satisfaction just creeped over his face. I don't know if he thought "mission accomplished" or "I knew this kid was mentally ill, he criticized me!" but I wouldn't give him any more opportunities for warped satisfaction. No further contact of any kind is my policy.

Anna Valerious said...

What would I write "you wounded me this way" or "you wrecked my self-esteem", as if my interlocutor had the capacity for ethics or moral conscience?

That is an excellent example of something a person should never write to a narcissist. In my view, the purpose of a letter is to hold their feet to the fire with their own behaviors. I'll probably be providing an example of what I mean when I finish my letter to my sister and put it up on my blog. You'll notice I don't hand her any credit for being able to hurt me.

Cinder Ella said...

I wish you success in your putting your thoughts to words. I find actually writing down the words helps with the internal composition, too. If nothing else storing it on my hard drive for future reference gives me peace of mind.

I've not written a no-contact letter to my mother, although we are essentially on no-contact. Instead, I have her letters to me, attempting to manipulate and guilt me into putting myself back in her clutches. Each time I doubt, I reread the letters. After that, doubt leaves me alone.


Anonymous said...

Tried it- Mother's day. A huge exercise in futility. Delivered it along with some $$ (the thing she loves just next to herself and one step above my Nbrother-the golden child). She never got past the 1st 3 lines. It was not a kiss off letter, but one stating how I felt. She refuted each and everything, she has NEVER done anything to hurt anyone, NEVER treated me anything but with great love and devotion, NEVER told a lie- perfection itself. While frustrating, it did free me in a way. I just see her as the pathetic little blowup doll she really is. For my entire life I'd been a captive to her wants and it meant absolutely nothing to her. I really don't mind now- she's the loser. Somewhere I read a quote from another child of an N, that said she/he was really glad they were NOT the golden. When I look at the 68 year old boy my brother (the genius that took 11 years to get a bachelor's degree) is, I can relate. By the grace of God, I'M NOT THEM!!!

Anonymous said...

As always an interesting post/article. And I totally understand this; "The most important aspect for me was having a record of everything. It was something I deeply felt I needed."

I struggled a long time whether or not to write to my ex girlfriend who I believe has very strong narcisstic traits. In my case I realized that it wouldn't help me - instead I think she actually would have enjoyed it. Nonetheless, I still needed to document my experience and having dreamt of being a writer since I was a child, I started to write a novel.

The first ten chapters of this novel are very close, almost identical, to what really happened between us, her words and mine. The later chapters, however, will be pure fiction and sprung from my imagination - but I will always try to portrait her personality as true as I possibly can.

I really hope that I'll reach the end... both the end of the novel and the end of my healing.

Ps. I'm Swedish so please don't judge my writing skills from this post. ;-) Ds.

Anna Valerious said...

No worries, Poe. There is nothing lacking in your writing skills. You came through loud and clear.

I am glad you can relate to what I said. There is much clarity of thought that can be achieved through writing. Whether a letter, a novel (like what you're doing), or a blog post. Even if the narcissist never sees a word we can greatly facilitate us getting our thoughts in order.

All the best to you there in Sweden. Keep in mind, there is always a good life available after the narcissist. At the very least, a better life. It is just a matter of taking hold of it.

K said...

I wrote a letter to my mother as well. Mostly because I felt I could write better, less emotional, and honestly with my mother you can NEVER get a word in for yourself.
My letters, but mostly the last that cut off contact, were simple. The kind of line went something like, a. this behavior is unacceptable, and b. it is that behavior that is the cause of me cutting off contact with you, c. have a nice life.
Though I like what you said, "I have all the proof I need that these people should not be in my life. In the early days when I could still have moments in insecurity about my decision to cut them off (particularly my mother) I could go back and re-read the letter exchanges. Those letters, both mine and theirs, contain proof." For me being only two years out from cutting off contact with my mom these letters have proven their worth in that I too reread them when I get weak and start to doubt my actions. One read is enough to remind me of the danger my mother is.
Especially the letter she sent after not coming to my wedding she wrote to me to tell ME that she was going to forgive me for all the wrongs I did to HER. And that I was welcome back in her life.
Ugh. What arrogance. She doesn't come to my wedding, because as she told me I was putting my wedding and soon to be husband before HER, and she had the balls to say that I was forgiven???? For what I still don't know.
And you know what, now I really don't care!!!!
Ah ha.

Anonymous said...

Well, I thought about writing a letter, but you know what?

My Give A Damn's Busted.

Could care less what they think, do, say - they can rot in their own selfishness. They don't deserve to know how I feel and what I'm thinking.

Thanks for this great blog, Anna.

Anna Valerious said...

Ha!! Very cool. Good for you. Here's to the good life.

Cathy said...

Hi Anna,

How did your sister get your email address????? Is it something you left open-ended with her from last contact?

I would be very interested to see what she wrote and your response.

It seems a little ol' weed has popped up in your beautiful garden. Surprise, surprise. Aren't you glad that those weeds don't upset us like they used to and that we know better now how to deal with them!!!

Anna Valerious said...


The email address of mine that my sister has is an old one. I've had it for almost 10 years. Yes, I've deliberately kept it because it is the only access my FOO has to me now. And it is an avenue of access that I have control over. They don't have to know where I live to contact me. And if I don't feel like responding to an response is always an option open to me.

Yes! I'm surely glad that the occasional weed that pops up isn't a big deal. I'll be nuking that weed here real soon. I'm sure it won't be popping back up any time soon again. I have my response completed now. I'm just sorta sitting on it for another day or so to make sure it says what I want it to say. I keep tweaking it here and there. With letters I have written in the past I wait until the urge to tweak seems to have passed for a full 24 hours...then I hit "send".

Anonymous said...

I am grateful for this post, Anna....and (once again) astounded by your blog. Wow. What a gift you have! I would give my eyeteeth to know what your career choice is.....Whatever it is, I sure hope they appreciate and pay you well!

My Nmom takes the 'hilights' out of anything being said. That's why I didn't bother with a letter to her. She would take offense to the first thing she could grab hold of and run with it. (If you only knew how many books she says she has read....and that I 'must read'.....and I start them....seeing all her little pencil notes and asterisks and underlinings along each page...(oh...such a 'scholar'! Bah!)..for about 30 pages....and then, 'Poof'.....she gives up and passes it to me. Oh....but she is and 'expert' now on said subject!

Nah....I can't be bothered. I'm not saying I wouldn't LIKE to have been able to call her on each and every be accurate and astute enough to get to the bottom of each and every piece of bullshit ever dropped on my head......but sometimes I just have to evaluate who I am and who I am not.....and this one is bigger than I am! I'll just let Judgement Day take care of this one.

BUT.....I could not...and would able to sit here and write the above paragraph if I had not been led to this blog, Anna....and everyone else! What you all write and share has given me the strength and support I need to get on with my cut my losses....and to take hold of what is left. I don't feel alone...I don't feel as much of a waste as I did....I'm not as depressed as I was....I'm not as fearful...etc. I'm not as CONFUSED. Wow.

So....I benefit from anyone and everyone who can and does grab this bull by the horns and can put it in words...and share it on this blog. THANK YOU.

Anonymous said...

Anna - I am so scared about what I found online! Please look --> I hope and pray this is not Kathy? So very sad if we have lost her, jewell.

Anna Valerious said...


I'm terribly afraid you are right. The link you gave is broken now. I found a cached version to the obituary. It is definitely our Kathy.

Kathy S. Krajco, 56, of Janesville, died unexpectedly in her home. She will be missed by those whose lives she touched. She was born in Richland Center on April 12, 1952, the daughter of Frank and Adeline C. (Cervenka) Krajco, who preceded her in death. Kathy loved the companionship of her dog, Pierre.
She is survived by her sister, Terese Krajco of Janesville; many uncles, aunts, cousins, other relatives and friends.
A private memorial service will be held at ST. JOHN VIANNEY CATHOLIC CHURCH, with Father Randy Timmerman officiating. Inurnment will be held at Mt. Olivet Cemetery. SCHNEIDER APFEL SCHNEIDER & SCHNEIDER FUNERAL HOME is assisting the family with the arrangements. For online obituary and registry:

This is tragic and a terrible loss. She has left an incredible legacy in her knowledge on NPD. I hope her legacy lives on forever.

Anna Valerious said...

Here is a link to the funeral home's online obituary. You can still view and/or sign the guest book.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I agree. Definitely write! Then decide at your leisure if you will send. The act of writing will clear your mind.


Anonymous said...

Oh, no, Kathy Krajko! I have been wondering why her blog wasn't updated. I never DREAMED! Oh, I am sooo sorry.


Anonymous said...

I can't believe it. What a loss. She was an amazing woman, and she accomplished so much. Oh, my heart is broken today.


Anna Valerious said...

Oh, my heart is broken today.

Mine, too, L.E. A brilliant voice silenced far, far too soon.

JoanOfWork said...

Sorry I missed your announcemnt.

This is sad. I suspect she must have been ill as I wrote her in April and did not get a reply.
She replied promptly always.

What a great woman.

I will be praying for her soul.

CZBZ said...

O NO...My heart is pounding a million miles a minute now...I'm at a loss for words.

Thank you for the link, anna.


Anonymous said...

Re: Kathy Krajco

What a HUGE loss to us! I am deeply saddened by this news.

May she rest in the Arms of Our Heavenly Father.


Cathy said...


I am stunned. Do you happen to know any details of how or why she died suddenly?

Anything further you might be able to pass on would be greatly appreciated...

Anna Valerious said...

I'm sorry, but I know nothing more than what the obituary says. I have no access to anyone who knew Kathy personally. I hope if someone out there learns more that they'll share it with us at some point.

Stormchild said...

Oh dear God.... Kathy Krajco's gone?

I was very worried because none of her blogs were being updated...

This is awful. I don't want to believe it. It must be true, but I wish to God it weren't.

God hold her fast in His eternal love.

Anonymous said...

My experience suggests that NPD is largely an attention seeking disorder that fails to discriminate in the usual way between positive or negative feedback. In short, NPD's are relatively indifferent to whether you hand them fawning praise or launch laser guided missiles pinpointing their dysfunction ... whether verbally, in writing or in a film documentary.

They are just getting off on the idea that you are paying attention to them, and as a consequence, they are likely to pay more attention to you.

NPD's have no interest in you or anybody else other than as an instrument to serve their need for attention.

So if you stop paying attention to them, they will eventually determine that you are not giving what they want, and they will turn elsewhere to satisfy their needs.

But as long as you keep trying to defeat them with actions, they are winning and you are losing ... unless you need their attention.

Of course, I could be wrong!

Jeannette Altes said...

What a loss. Her voice, her wit and her passion will be missed by us all.

Anna Valerious said...

I'm well aware of the NPD's all-consuming lust for attention and how they don't differentiate between positive and negative attention. This post offered another perspective though. The perspective of some things that can be gained for us by putting our thoughts in a letter to the narcissist. It really isn't about them. It is about what we can gain psychologically. And there are gains that can be had. But, again, it is a decision that must be made by the individual in the situation.

I know my Nmother and very narcissistic sister extremely well. I had to study them as if my life depended on it....because it did depend on it. I know that my letters get way, way deep under their skin. It is like a perpetual burr under their saddles. They don't rest well now that I've exposed them. It is like I see them unclothed. They hate it. My mother has given up all effort to contact me. My sister has made this most recent attempt after two years of silence. I am confident it will be much longer before I hear from her again after she gets another letter from me. My last letter to her left a door of hope open for her, so I totally expected this moment.

Some Ns have some considerable difficulty dealing with the idea that one of their best mirrors has stopped working. Some part of their minds are always aware of the defection and it unsettles them. I have proof of this. Ruining some part of their lives works for me.

Documentation. A clear chain of evidence to prove to yourself you've done all you can. A chance to finally say all the things you have stuffed for fear of their wrath just so you know you've said it. Finally. More reasons, apart from whatever lusts the narcissist may have, to write that letter. So what if they get a boner over the negative attention. That letter is the herald of a new era. They can linger over that letter like it is a slick porn magazine for all I care because it is all they are getting from me. Cold, cold comfort. The deafening silence that follows in the wake of that letter will eventually be all they have.

To each their own.

Cinder Ella said...

Kathy will definitely be missed. How sad.

Anna Valerious said...

In reference to my last comment above. I said that narcissists don't differentiate between types of supply (attention)...they'll take positive or negative. That wasn't accurate. Each narcissist does have their preferred form of supply. When desperate they won't differentiate. They get a hell of a lot less picky.

All my life I has a juicy, sweet meal of supply for my Nmother. The source (me) started to lose its quality over time. The source of supply became infrequent and of a greatly diminished quality by the year 2000. After 2002 she was getting nothing from me. One day she gets a letter. A long letter forcing some truth in her face. Yes, it was negative attention and yes, she showed signs that she was feeding off the negative attention since that was all she could get from me.

Here's an analogy. My mother was used to gourmet food (i.e. supply). She could expect to order a meal whenever she wanted it. The food was pleasant to the eye and the taste. It was plentiful. (i.e. positive attention.) But due to changes in the free market gourmet became unavailable. Now she was having to eat boxed macaroni, and even that was hard to come by. Finally, she is starving because all food sources dried up completely. She is so hungry that when her daughter sends her a rat, mommy dearest is willing to make a meal out of it. Would rat be her first choice for dining? Hardly. In a heartbeat she would grab that gourmet food again. But when gourmet is not a choice, when all other food sources are gone, rat starts to look kinda edible.

It is stringy, tough, nasty looking. But when you're starving it is better than nothing.

Yeah. My mother received attention from my letter. But it was her last meal. And her last meal was rat.

Narcissists will take the negative when the positive is in short supply. If you send them a meal of rat then, rest assured, they are pissed about that. They'll eat it cuz they are desperate, not because it tastes good. There is something satisfying knowing you're sending them meals of rat. Don't use the fear of giving them attention to stop you from feeding them rat if'n it a way to further your quest to mental and emotional freedom.

Anonymous said...

My N-SIL was the poison-pen writer in the family. Her first poisonous letter destroyed her father's business and marriage as she wrote untrue things about her own father! Imagine, she was only in her teens then! Then she wrote a letter to me when she was in her 20s! That was 36 years ago. I always sensed she is a hypocrite and never mix much with her, but was always cordial and kept my peace. Then I started having problems with my NH. She went into full swing! She wrote to my NH to convince him to betray his own family. It was a golden opportunity for her as I discovered my NH infidelities. So having no one else, my NH turned on his own family to save his own skin by doing her bidding!

Having read these letters from her, there is a distinct pattern. The letter are first sugar-coated to lure the reader into believing she has good intentions. Then there is always a point in the letters where she will swing the axe against her victim. Literally! It is at these points in the letters where you see through her pathological envy and rage!

These Ns have no conscience like normal people. They have no remorse. Against my better judgement, I showed my emotions and learned the hard way! Then she became like a pack of wolves, smelling blood, mine! She would not go away. Instead she plot and lie and is disintegrating the entire family with her grandiosity and evil intentions.

If you must write, you cannot write in your name. To them, you are NOTHING! So if you write, then write in God's name, as they are fearful and superstitious. So Anna, you are RIGHT about not having to conceal one's frustrations or anger but to put the point across bluntly that you will not tolerate any of their bullying and interference. They fear exposure the most! They continue to do evil because they have been sheltered by well-meaning people around them who are in denial of their menance to their families and to society!

Governments should make all parents-to-be take a test, to ascertain if they can be good and decent parents. Getting a driving license is harder than becoming a parent. Yet being parents is the greatest responsibility of all for a human being.

Ns are NOT human beings! They are predators! They feed on their own kind even!

Once you expose them, you will not recognize them and you will berate yourself why you did not see through them in the first place and you mourn your loss, but you will recover, stronger and wiser.

In the thick of it!

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I am back again with a little more! Actually the only way to treat Ns is with the Law and No Contact!

They are vampires who suck the life out of you when you can be doing better things with your time and your life.

Having said that, I empathize with Anna's wish to write. I am thinking of writing too, not to the Ns, but to myself to remind myself that the safe passage is still far away and that there are too many lies spawned by them, which must be addressed and exposed.

Anna, I salute your courage and look forward to reading your letter once you post it.

Take care!

Writer in Washington said...

My husband's exMN and children prefer to write, although they make fools out of themselves doing so. They do this because they are cowards.

Of course, we have kept it all and now have a thick file of all the things they have said, while being quite careful in our replies. This is called a paper trail, which we were advised years ago to start and keep by an atty.

We have kept it for years, and will keep it until we are both dead. If there are ever any of their sycophants with the balls to contact us--we can show them multiple pages of their lies, contradictions, infidelties and the works. Not that we are out there trying to do this, but we have it and what's more important, they know that we do.

Writing to any MN is something that I don't really advise but if you must do so, keep it direct and to the point. Do not give them any wiggle room.

Anonymous said...

More thoughts....

One of the best things that ever happened to to GET OLDER!!! This helped me be 'decisive' in going NC.....(AND not write any letters..) because I am T-I-R-E-D!!!!....and I don't want..nor have...any energy to expend in lost causes. I am selfishly guarding my time, money, and energy for me, for my grown children, and my grandaughter. Maybe it is 'natural' to simply begin to focus on what IS working...and to let the rest fall away as I let it.

Now in my mid-50s, I look back and see how much energy I had! I've been widowed and married and divorced....(10 years as a single mom) raised a number of families....cared for my grandparents....'babysat' Mom and Dad....moved umpteen times all over North America....worked multiple jobs...between career moves. Good Gawd! Maybe my 'decision' to go NC was made FOR me. Just tired and burned out...and don't want nor care to do it anymore.

Please don't take what I said above as a trivialization or a minimization of how difficult it can be to go NC.....or to consciously, painstakingly write a 'kiss off' letter. I don't think that I could have done it as long as I thought I had the energy to 'deal with it'. At 45? I was still rarin' to go....still 'willing and able'. Boy! No more.


Tundra Woman said...

When I wrote my MN "Mother" my No Contact letter decades ago it was a very short, maybe 4 lines (and way too polite) business-type letter addressing her by her first name. At that time there were no Stalking Laws and ROs were considerably more difficult to procure.
What I would do differently: I would have had a consult with an attorney and had them write a Cease and Desist letter, perhaps including my short note. I would have had the attorney advise me on getting an ex parte Restraining Order and advise me of the limits of such-i.e., Are they still in effect over state lines? The benefits in this approach to me would have been well worth the $$ spent. Not only would it have started a legal paper trail ensuring everything was done in accordance with the law but it may well have staved off decades of Terrorism as well as cost my MN "Mother" dearly of the one "god" she worshipped above all: MONEY. And the most terrifying prospect to ALL MNs-PUBLIC EXPOSURE. The ONLY "authority" I saw intimidate her was Law Enforcement which resulted from her attempt to pull an in-person ambush at my home a few years post complete NC. I was living at least a good day's drive from her at that time and had moved several times since my NC note. (Her PI's were always on the job. And her payroll. sigh.) When I opened the door to my home one morning, who was standing there but my MN "Mother" attempting to get in the locked storm door. I told her very calmly and clearly she was "Both un-invited and un-welcomed-now LEAVE" and slammed the door on her. She then commenced in a screaming fit on a lovely, warm windows-up day in May in my quiet, residential neighborhood while running around my house scratching a coin she pulled out of her handbag all over my windows. I'm not at all exaggerating when I say it sounded as if someone was being murdered outside my home. I pulled the drapes open and with the phone in my hand yelled to her, "I'm calling the police-NOW" and started dialing. INSTANTLY, in mid-scream, she shut up and ran for her vehicle. It was as if a director on the set of a movie yelled "CUT!" Although I would have had her arrested, by the time the police arrived they were unable to locate her. At that time the very worst she would have been charged with was possibly Harassment, an Appearance ticket analogous to a littering ticket. However, she never pulled that particular tactic again.
I remain very reluctant to speak about what my MN "Mother" did over the following decades until her physical death because I'm concerned others who are considering NC will be dissuaded from doing so. The above is just one example of her sheer nastiness, but exposed what she most feared and could have been far more useful if I had started a legal paper trail from the initiation of NC. Clearly, her *behavior* was NOT about "Reconciliation;" it was about Revenge and Retribution. Despite that in-person ambush and my embarrassment (<that's putting it mildly-she knew how much I deplored public scenes), it remained very instructive to me: What an acting job, eh?! Quite the nefarious agenda-otherwise, why would she run?! If she really believed she had any "right" to be at my home, why didn't she wait for the Police to arrive and plead her case-as she had to so many others? My embarrassment passed. She didn't-not for a few more decades. I have never regretted my decision to NC regardless of her continuing Terrorism: I'd rather deal with periodic IEDs than have the Terrorist in my life even part-time.
I'm suggesting the Legal Route simply as an adjunct to all the excellent advice given here. I remain firmly, solidly of the belief Public EXPOSURE is the one tool an AC can effectively wield-given the opportunity by the MN and regardless of their particular "flavor."