I'd like to build some on the line of thought in the last post. I made a case that the grown malignant narcissist was a difficult, devious and generally obnoxious child -- to their peers and siblings especially and primarily. The logic is that the malignant narcissist is a case of arrested development. They have never progressed on to emotional, spiritual and mental maturity. So you get a constant view of the child they were at six when watching the operation of the grown narcissist.
Let's go from the thought above to this thought: The narcissist is a malicious child cloaked in an adult body. Because the malignant narcissist has always been what they are it is impossible to "rehabilitate" them.
Let us look carefully at the concept of rehabilitation and what it truly means. We're going to do so with the assistance of Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D. who has spent a whole career studying how criminals think. His observations on criminals are completely transferable to our study of malignant narcissists. Most criminals are narcissists. Robert Hare has established as fact that all psychopaths have narcissistic personalities. Just because the narcissist in your life has managed to stay within the law (or not get caught) doesn't mean they don't think like a criminal. They do. The main problem we put in front of ourselves when trying to deal effectively with narcissists is that we don't recognize that criminals and narcissists do not think like we do.
Quoting from page 7 of "Inside the Criminal Mind" by the above mentioned author Stanton E. Samenow:
"We must understand that criminals are different, that they do not think like responsible people and do not want the same things out of life. It is also time to realize that unless we help criminals to think differently, they will continue to prey on us all."
Page 20:
"Despite a multitude of differences in their backgrounds and crime patterns, criminals are alike in one way: how they think."
Page 23:
"A surprising number of people who deal with criminals do not know how criminals think. How a person behaves is determined largely by how he thinks. Criminals think differently."
Okay, now humor me and do a little exercise. Read each of the quotes above again and insert "malignant narcissist" in where you read the word "criminal". If you know anything about malignant narcissism you can see that it is a perfect fit. Narcissists, at the very least, are criminals in their operations in the moral and spiritual realm. That they can stay out of the reach of the law doesn't mean they are not criminals in their thinking. I have stated in other posts that the narcissist is an anarchist at heart. What is an anarchist but a criminal who recognizes no law as binding upon him?
One of the thrusts of Samenow's book here mentioned is that the concept of rehabilitation is not congruent with the experience of the criminal.
One last quote:
"But rehabilitation as it has been practiced cannot possibly be effective because it is based on a total misconception. To rehabilitate is to restore to a former constructive capacity or condition. There is nothing to which to rehabilitate a criminal. There is no earlier condition of being responsible to which to restore him." All emphasis in the above quotes are the author's.
Samenow is not addressing the issue of NPD in his book. I am not wanting to misrepresent what he is saying. I am the one drawing the correlation between understanding criminals and recognizing the same principles apply in dealing with people who are malignant narcissists.
I want to make sure you've taken in what is being said about rehabilitation. You can not REhabilitate someone to a condition to which they've never been habilitated to. The false assumption that at some point in time the narcissist has been properly integrated into society and relationships is just that...false...and dangerous. They have always held themselves apart and superior to society, its rules, its norms and expectations. The narcissist is above all that. He has never been "normal", so to think he can become normal by your reasoned arguments and firm application of boundaries and controls is simply an exercise in futility. He spurns your efforts to reform him because he is perfect.
To believe that the adult narcissist who was a narcissistic child can somehow be transformed into an empathetic and normal human being is naive at best. They are fundamentally broken. They have always been broken. You can not rehabilitate a malignant narcissist. They've never been integrated into human society. They've never been "habilitated". They have held themselves above us all. They have rejected humanity. To think you as an individual have the power in your little ole' self to make the narcissist what they have never been is a bit of delusion and God complex of your own that you need to get over.
The only hope for the malignant narcissist is with God Himself. If God can't change him...for goodness sake, why do you think YOU can? While you place the fate and future of the narcissist into God's hands you need to start putting the miles between you. The hope of the narcissist changing is so infinitesimally tiny that you need not waste time sticking around to hopefully see it happen. I realize that not everyone who retains a vain hope of the narcissist changing their spots is thinking they can "save" the narcissist. Some people want to believe in fairy tales so they can cling to a dream. A dream that a nightmare marriage can become a good one. A dream that mommy dearest will someday love me and I'll have a happy family. A dream that dad will finally treat me like a real human being. These dreams may give you comfort today, but someday as you stand there holding the dust of your dreams in your hands when confronted by the harshest of realities that the dream was always hopeless, you will realize how much of your life was wasted on smoke, vapor and ashes. I'm trying to save you that outcome.
For those of us who can acknowledge that the malignant narcissist is likely even beyond the reach of God Himself, we can heartily commend the narcissist to the devil. Christians: even Christ Himself recognized that some people have the devil himself as a spiritual father (John 8:44). "Your father, the devil" never applies so well as it does to malignant narcissists. Know it. Live accordingly.
Do yourself a big favor and buy Samenow's book, "Inside the Criminal Mind". It contains some fundamental and foundational changes in how we think about and deal with criminals of all stripes which includes the malignant narcissist.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Clarification on the Narcissist Nasty Kids Post
I received an email from someone who was perplexed because her N mother as a child was, from all reports, a sweet, compliant and cooperative child to her alcoholic and physically abusive father. The confusion of the emailer prompts me to clarify my point.
It is very possible that the adult narcissist you're dealing with was not considered a problem child by his or her parents, teachers or other authority figures. That is why I emphasized that the problems this narcissist-as-a-child created were most likely felt primarily by their peers, school mates and siblings.
My mother was never in trouble with authority figures. She was not particularly troublesome to her mother. At least, not overtly. (I know she played mind games on her mother, but that was covert behavior which gives her plausible deniability.) The same can be said for my sister. But both my mother and sister as children were demonstrably very different with those who were younger than they were or someone they felt had less power than they had. This meant it was their siblings and peers who felt the effects of the narcissistic behavior patterns of the now grown malignant narcissist.
My male cousin was an example of a young delinquent who presented large problems to authority figures including parents and not just his sibling or peers. I brought him up because even though he was a very difficult child and dangerous teen (clearly sociopathic in addition to extreme narcissism), even he has turned everything around and makes out his family to be what he was. Despite the overwhelming proof that he was the problem, he completely projects all his character and behavior problems onto his family so he can present himself as a victim. My point in mentioning his behavior as a child was to show that no matter the extreme level of perversity they displayed in their youth, they will lie, lie, lie and convince many people they were total victims. Obviously, it is easier for those who were outwardly compliant to parents and other authority figures to try to credibly lay claim to victimhood and/or being "perfect" kids. I just want ya'll to revisit what you've been told and compare it to what you know from your own experience and direct knowledge to know is true. You've likely been given a very white-washed picture of their youth. There are very likely signs that they were well on the path of malignant narcissism from a very young age.
It is very possible that the adult narcissist you're dealing with was not considered a problem child by his or her parents, teachers or other authority figures. That is why I emphasized that the problems this narcissist-as-a-child created were most likely felt primarily by their peers, school mates and siblings.
My mother was never in trouble with authority figures. She was not particularly troublesome to her mother. At least, not overtly. (I know she played mind games on her mother, but that was covert behavior which gives her plausible deniability.) The same can be said for my sister. But both my mother and sister as children were demonstrably very different with those who were younger than they were or someone they felt had less power than they had. This meant it was their siblings and peers who felt the effects of the narcissistic behavior patterns of the now grown malignant narcissist.
My male cousin was an example of a young delinquent who presented large problems to authority figures including parents and not just his sibling or peers. I brought him up because even though he was a very difficult child and dangerous teen (clearly sociopathic in addition to extreme narcissism), even he has turned everything around and makes out his family to be what he was. Despite the overwhelming proof that he was the problem, he completely projects all his character and behavior problems onto his family so he can present himself as a victim. My point in mentioning his behavior as a child was to show that no matter the extreme level of perversity they displayed in their youth, they will lie, lie, lie and convince many people they were total victims. Obviously, it is easier for those who were outwardly compliant to parents and other authority figures to try to credibly lay claim to victimhood and/or being "perfect" kids. I just want ya'll to revisit what you've been told and compare it to what you know from your own experience and direct knowledge to know is true. You've likely been given a very white-washed picture of their youth. There are very likely signs that they were well on the path of malignant narcissism from a very young age.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Narcissists Were Nasty Little Kids, Too
Have you ever wondered what the narcissist was like as a child? Do you picture the narcissist as a timid, wounded little soul who was pushed around and abused only to eventually turn into the monster they are now?
How about a different picture.
The adult malignant narcissist you contend with was, in all likelihood, a pox on her siblings and school mates as a child. Think about it. Malignant narcissism is always a case of arrested development; someone who remains stuck at about six years of age emotionally and morally. What you are witnessing today is how the narcissist acted as a six year old. No doubt they have polished up their gig. They have fine-tuned their ways through years of trial and error. They are, in some ways, more sophisticated in their game. Some ways. They still can throw a tantrum like any six year old. They have the advantages that come from being an adult which can, to some extent, blind us to how juvenile their behaviors are. They are a child trapped in an adult body. The nasty little brat is still observable in your adult narcissist. No, they weren't nice to know even when they were kids.
This may be hard to get your head around. Probably because the narcissist has given you a wholly different version of their childhood...one in which they star as lead victim.
Example. I have a male cousin who is about five years younger than myself. I was around him for significant periods of time when we were growing up. I have a very clear, first-hand experience of what he was like as a child and what his childhood was like. To say he was a difficult child is to greatly understate his problems. He has grown into what I am sure is a full-blown sociopath. Narcissistic sociopath. He was not abused as a child. He abused his family. I saw it with my own eyes. If anything, he was coddled as his parents bent over backwards trying to help this kid to the point where the younger daughter was often neglected. When he tried to kill his sister it was his sister who was sent away. When he pissed off a local drug dealer who was then threatening to kill his family it was the family who had to pick up and move away. When he would leave to go live with his friends and do drugs on long benders he knew he could come home any time to a clean bed and warm meal. And did. To hear him tell the story of his childhood today you would think his parents were the sociopaths. He has completely projected his own behaviors and attributes onto his family and there he stands...the poor little abused child. It is a load of total shit. He was a nightmare from about two years of age. As he reached the beginning of puberty he was already into drugs. Fire setting, animal abuse, torment of his younger sibling, theft...all were in full swing by puberty. Don't believe the narcissist's version of their childhood. It is likely full of projection and complete fabrication.
Narcissists lie. If they are breathing, they are lying. So, for right now, put aside anything they told you about their childhood and start gathering those observable facts that are available to you right now.
Another example. My mother was the eldest of six. Two were her siblings, three of the others were cousins. My mother's aunt died shortly after giving birth to her third child so my grandmother raised her sister's three children as her own. My mother's parents divorced when all the children were still quite young so my grandmother raised them as a single mother. Because she had to work every day to put food on the table my mother was put in charge of the five children who were younger than her. She was close in age to them. To hear my mother tell it, she took her responsibility as a proxy mother to her siblings very seriously. This is why, she claims, that they all grew to greatly resent her. I believed that version of the story for a very long time.
The observable facts are these: when my mother left home to marry she rarely spent time with her two sibling sisters. Her cousins were no where to be seen most of the time. The few interactions I saw between her and her sisters and cousins were obviously very strained. Visits ended badly and were followed by years of more estrangement. My mother held outright antipathy for her eldest cousin. Over the years my mother presented this cousin as the spawn of Satan. She outright called him evil and had nothing to do with him after leaving home except for one visit that I clearly remember when I was around seven years of age. He had invited us to dinner at his home. I remember liking him very much as he gave me and my sister a very thoughtful keepsake gift (that I still have) and spoke kindly to us. I was immediately best of friends with his daughter who was a year or so younger than me and the sweetest little girl I had ever met. I never saw him again until after his sister died in the late 1990s. If my mother ever said his name she would practically spit it out.
Here is what I now believe about this man. He was the closest in age to her of the three cousins. He and she were only a couple years apart in age. I am convinced that he did not sit still for my mother's tyranny. I think he was likely impervious to her ways of terrorizing and manipulating the others. Which would have scared her and enraged her. She has always acted a little afraid of him when she would talk about him. I have lived long enough now to see that my mother hates and fears those she can not control.
I was able to observe a brief interaction between my mother and this male cousin of hers in the late '90s. I will not try to describe it in detail. I will only say that I recognize the signs that this man is extremely intelligent (something my mother acknowledged and mentioned many times, though she chose to see him present him as an evil genius) and not susceptible to my mother's charms. He was gracious to her, but did not succumb to her attempt to manipulate him with a non-apology for their childhood that she thrust upon him during that visit. I saw no evidence that he is some kind of evil bastard. I have lots of evidence that my mother is the evil bastard.
The fact that my mother's siblings removed themselves from my mother's sphere as soon as they could and maintained their distance all these years speaks volumes. I do not believe they resented my mother being a "mother-figure". I think they hated her for good reason...she was an autocratic and cruelly tyrannical ruler. I will believe what the evidence speaks to and disbelieve how my mother characterizes herself and her siblings as they were growing up.
I also know from painful personal experience that my sister was a nasty little kid who manipulated and made miserable those children who had the displeasure of having to be around her. My female cousin, who I refer to as "Lee" in other posts on my blog, was telling me a couple evenings ago how relieved she is that she isn't going to have to be around my sister now that my sister is ousted from my life. (Because my cousin and I now live close to each other, if my sister came to visit me it would be assured that my cousin would also have to endure a visit from her.) I did have one advantage in growing up with sister dearest...I was older than her. To those who were younger than she (like my cousin)...woe betide them. Sister was a liar, manipulative, very boastful and vain, and generally lorded it over anyone younger. Sister especially loved to get those younger than her into trouble with my mother. My poor cousin never failed to be made miserable by the predations of my sister when family holidays brought us all together. This is something my cousin is only beginning to mention now that she is sure that she won't have to see my sister again. She held her tongue back when she thought perhaps she'd have to try to have see my sister on occasion. Family peace and all. My cousin has only had negative experiences with my sister, and the stories are legion. Some are downright hair-raising. Again, with my sister: the young brat grew up into an adult brat.
My examples do not prove that malignant narcissists were nasty children. Logic does. My personal experiences are in line with the logic. I think if you take the time to analyze what you know about the narcissist apart from what they tell you you will find plenty of evidence that they were creepy little kids, too.
Not all brats grow up into adult-sized brats, but you can be assured that grown-up brat was a pint-sized brat in their day.
How about a different picture.
The adult malignant narcissist you contend with was, in all likelihood, a pox on her siblings and school mates as a child. Think about it. Malignant narcissism is always a case of arrested development; someone who remains stuck at about six years of age emotionally and morally. What you are witnessing today is how the narcissist acted as a six year old. No doubt they have polished up their gig. They have fine-tuned their ways through years of trial and error. They are, in some ways, more sophisticated in their game. Some ways. They still can throw a tantrum like any six year old. They have the advantages that come from being an adult which can, to some extent, blind us to how juvenile their behaviors are. They are a child trapped in an adult body. The nasty little brat is still observable in your adult narcissist. No, they weren't nice to know even when they were kids.
This may be hard to get your head around. Probably because the narcissist has given you a wholly different version of their childhood...one in which they star as lead victim.
Example. I have a male cousin who is about five years younger than myself. I was around him for significant periods of time when we were growing up. I have a very clear, first-hand experience of what he was like as a child and what his childhood was like. To say he was a difficult child is to greatly understate his problems. He has grown into what I am sure is a full-blown sociopath. Narcissistic sociopath. He was not abused as a child. He abused his family. I saw it with my own eyes. If anything, he was coddled as his parents bent over backwards trying to help this kid to the point where the younger daughter was often neglected. When he tried to kill his sister it was his sister who was sent away. When he pissed off a local drug dealer who was then threatening to kill his family it was the family who had to pick up and move away. When he would leave to go live with his friends and do drugs on long benders he knew he could come home any time to a clean bed and warm meal. And did. To hear him tell the story of his childhood today you would think his parents were the sociopaths. He has completely projected his own behaviors and attributes onto his family and there he stands...the poor little abused child. It is a load of total shit. He was a nightmare from about two years of age. As he reached the beginning of puberty he was already into drugs. Fire setting, animal abuse, torment of his younger sibling, theft...all were in full swing by puberty. Don't believe the narcissist's version of their childhood. It is likely full of projection and complete fabrication.
Narcissists lie. If they are breathing, they are lying. So, for right now, put aside anything they told you about their childhood and start gathering those observable facts that are available to you right now.
Another example. My mother was the eldest of six. Two were her siblings, three of the others were cousins. My mother's aunt died shortly after giving birth to her third child so my grandmother raised her sister's three children as her own. My mother's parents divorced when all the children were still quite young so my grandmother raised them as a single mother. Because she had to work every day to put food on the table my mother was put in charge of the five children who were younger than her. She was close in age to them. To hear my mother tell it, she took her responsibility as a proxy mother to her siblings very seriously. This is why, she claims, that they all grew to greatly resent her. I believed that version of the story for a very long time.
The observable facts are these: when my mother left home to marry she rarely spent time with her two sibling sisters. Her cousins were no where to be seen most of the time. The few interactions I saw between her and her sisters and cousins were obviously very strained. Visits ended badly and were followed by years of more estrangement. My mother held outright antipathy for her eldest cousin. Over the years my mother presented this cousin as the spawn of Satan. She outright called him evil and had nothing to do with him after leaving home except for one visit that I clearly remember when I was around seven years of age. He had invited us to dinner at his home. I remember liking him very much as he gave me and my sister a very thoughtful keepsake gift (that I still have) and spoke kindly to us. I was immediately best of friends with his daughter who was a year or so younger than me and the sweetest little girl I had ever met. I never saw him again until after his sister died in the late 1990s. If my mother ever said his name she would practically spit it out.
Here is what I now believe about this man. He was the closest in age to her of the three cousins. He and she were only a couple years apart in age. I am convinced that he did not sit still for my mother's tyranny. I think he was likely impervious to her ways of terrorizing and manipulating the others. Which would have scared her and enraged her. She has always acted a little afraid of him when she would talk about him. I have lived long enough now to see that my mother hates and fears those she can not control.
I was able to observe a brief interaction between my mother and this male cousin of hers in the late '90s. I will not try to describe it in detail. I will only say that I recognize the signs that this man is extremely intelligent (something my mother acknowledged and mentioned many times, though she chose to see him present him as an evil genius) and not susceptible to my mother's charms. He was gracious to her, but did not succumb to her attempt to manipulate him with a non-apology for their childhood that she thrust upon him during that visit. I saw no evidence that he is some kind of evil bastard. I have lots of evidence that my mother is the evil bastard.
The fact that my mother's siblings removed themselves from my mother's sphere as soon as they could and maintained their distance all these years speaks volumes. I do not believe they resented my mother being a "mother-figure". I think they hated her for good reason...she was an autocratic and cruelly tyrannical ruler. I will believe what the evidence speaks to and disbelieve how my mother characterizes herself and her siblings as they were growing up.
I also know from painful personal experience that my sister was a nasty little kid who manipulated and made miserable those children who had the displeasure of having to be around her. My female cousin, who I refer to as "Lee" in other posts on my blog, was telling me a couple evenings ago how relieved she is that she isn't going to have to be around my sister now that my sister is ousted from my life. (Because my cousin and I now live close to each other, if my sister came to visit me it would be assured that my cousin would also have to endure a visit from her.) I did have one advantage in growing up with sister dearest...I was older than her. To those who were younger than she (like my cousin)...woe betide them. Sister was a liar, manipulative, very boastful and vain, and generally lorded it over anyone younger. Sister especially loved to get those younger than her into trouble with my mother. My poor cousin never failed to be made miserable by the predations of my sister when family holidays brought us all together. This is something my cousin is only beginning to mention now that she is sure that she won't have to see my sister again. She held her tongue back when she thought perhaps she'd have to try to have see my sister on occasion. Family peace and all. My cousin has only had negative experiences with my sister, and the stories are legion. Some are downright hair-raising. Again, with my sister: the young brat grew up into an adult brat.
My examples do not prove that malignant narcissists were nasty children. Logic does. My personal experiences are in line with the logic. I think if you take the time to analyze what you know about the narcissist apart from what they tell you you will find plenty of evidence that they were creepy little kids, too.
Not all brats grow up into adult-sized brats, but you can be assured that grown-up brat was a pint-sized brat in their day.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
An Article: Spiritual Abuse
I have been mulling over thoughts on how to approach the subject of spiritual abuse especially as it relates to narcissists. I've had some close and personal experiences with spiritually abusive people who I am sure were very narcissistic people. There is a close link in Christian churches between the spiritually abusive and narcissism. When those two are combined we start to observe the classic red flags of cultism.
I found an article that is quite comprehensive given its relative brevity. If you feel you've been impacted by a spiritually abusive atmosphere in your church or family then I encourage you to read it in full.
Spiritual Abuse by Major Scott Nicloy
He is covering some important aspects of this problem that I will not be covering. He explains some of the reasons that well-intentioned people become abusive. I will be focusing more on the malignantly intentioned people who use the spiritual club. I think it is important to have it pointed out that not all people who over-reach in their well-intentioned efforts are doing so out of a consciously bad intent. There are plenty of zealous, empty-headed and ill-informed people who can manage the spiritual club with great vigor. In other words, not all spiritual abusers are narcissists, though I consider their behavior narcissistic. As does Mr. Nicloy. The general lack of empathy is a big part of the problem according to this man. I agree.
I found an article that is quite comprehensive given its relative brevity. If you feel you've been impacted by a spiritually abusive atmosphere in your church or family then I encourage you to read it in full.
Spiritual Abuse by Major Scott Nicloy
He is covering some important aspects of this problem that I will not be covering. He explains some of the reasons that well-intentioned people become abusive. I will be focusing more on the malignantly intentioned people who use the spiritual club. I think it is important to have it pointed out that not all people who over-reach in their well-intentioned efforts are doing so out of a consciously bad intent. There are plenty of zealous, empty-headed and ill-informed people who can manage the spiritual club with great vigor. In other words, not all spiritual abusers are narcissists, though I consider their behavior narcissistic. As does Mr. Nicloy. The general lack of empathy is a big part of the problem according to this man. I agree.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
If a Look Could Kill ...
"It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why." Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
My mother is a virtuoso at what is described above. I'm going to attempt to describe the "look" without the benefit of pictures. I haven't written about this sooner because a picture is worth a thousand words. I've yet to find a picture with the murderous look my mother is known for by those close to her. I've even tried to use Google images to see if anyone has captured something resembling her look. I still haven't found it. So, I'm going to try to describe it both as it appeared and the emotions it evoked and hope your imagination can do the rest. The quote above proves to me that the controlling look is not something that only my mother used.
I'm sure that not only narcissistic mothers use the "look". It can be an effective tool for any narcissist who has had opportunity to privately terrorize another human being into submission. I am certain, though, that the most effective training to fear a "look" is done when one is very young. Before the age of reason.
"Once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word". The terrifying look is terrifying to you because you were trained to perceive it as such. The "look" was accompanied by swift and terrorizing punishment when you were tiny. Like Pavlov's dogs, it didn't take long to associate that look with certain pain, both emotional and physical. Soon, she only has to flash you "the look" and you drop into line. Likely, all this training was accomplished before you could even talk. This means you react to it on a completely emotional, not rational, basis because you were trained long before your rational brain was up and running.
Once you've been trained, the "look" is a subtle form of communication that the narcissist parent uses to keep you in line especially when others are around. Without having to raise their voice, lift a hand, even move an inch out of their chair, you can be instantly persuaded that you are in deep trouble unless you stop what you're doing or saying that very moment. You fear you may still be in trouble even if you do stop instantly...which leaves your little heart quivering in fear for hours.
This being said, all parents are able to communicate with their children with a look. Usually a raised eyebrow. The child's reaction to a parental "look" is a good indication whether or not in privacy that look is followed with terrorism. If a child suddenly looks like they are scared shitless...that look is not a benevolent warning enabling the child to decide to use self-control rather than have to endure discipline. Good parents do not rule their children with terror. They may communicate a warning with a look...a child has a choice at that moment. Proceed and be disciplined. Stop and all is well. Discipline is not terrorism. Narcissist parents do not discipline. They terrify their "subjects" into compliance. They make it so painful to go against them that you'll do just about anything to not displease them. Especially as a helpless child. What I'm describing is the "look" which is backed up with this type of emotional and physical terrorism.
Let's see if I can begin to describe the look my own mother has employed with great effect, not only with myself and my sister, but the scores of children left in her care by oblivious working mothers. If you're a working mother...think about it. Someone like my mother could be caring for your child. My mother was widely considered an excellent day care provider. All her references would have been glowing. Think long and hard. I saw my mother use the below described methods on other people's children many, many times over the years.
Back to the "look". Her entire face tightens. Then the eyes slightly narrow. The nostrils flare subtly. The teeth. The teeth were the major player in her scary face. She would set her front top teeth onto her front bottom teeth which you could perceive was happening even though her mouth is still closed. Then, she moves in on you swiftly. Suddenly, she is right over you, usually with a death grip on your arm. Maybe both arms. Her face is brought within inches of your own. Then the lips unfurl. She is hissing at you through her gritted teeth. She would actually grind them as she was hissing her anger at you. The face is totally demonic. She looks possessed with rage and you feel sure that it is all she can do to not kill you that very instant. As those teeth grind, her face starts to really contort. The bottom part of her jaw sets to the side as she grits and grinds her teeth. The tenseness in her face is entire. She looks like a barely controlled nuclear fission reactor. She never raises her voice. No, the more angry she is the more she whispers. But that whisper is right in front of your eyes. You're face is two inches from the demon woman as she hisses through her grinding teeth. This look is usually followed by an ass pounding. She may use her hand. She may get a shoe. She feels virtuous because she never uses a belt for beatings. Somehow, in her mind, the belt was excessive. Believe me, a rubber-soled sandal can hurt like hell.
Now, this is how she deals with children, not autonomous adults. Keep in mind that the demon-possessed bitch face is saved for the most innocent and the most helpless. This means children, but it can also mean the elderly. I saw her grind her teeth at my dad's father, my grandfather, a time or two. My grandfather had the misfortune of spending his last years under my parent's roof as Parkinson's took him slowly. My mother was in charge of taking care of him. She hated him. She mostly controlled herself when I was around, but I saw the teeth gnash in his presence. Luckily for him, glaucoma had stolen almost 100% of his sight, and his ears didn't work so well either. I am fairly sure most of the subtleties were lost on him, though I'm also sure he knew my mother felt imposed upon by him.
My daughter, when she was around six years of age, was around the summer my mother was taking care of her own mother. It was a six week period where my mother was giving her sister a break. Her mother had some dementia due to multiple strokes. My daughter was so shocked to see my mother spanking her own elderly mother that she's never forgotten it. I am sure my mother must have been giving her devil face to her mother. Hopefully, my poor grandmother was unable to comprehend it. Though I have my doubts about that. One of the reasons my mother was so angry was that my grandmother kept escaping from the house and trying to run down the gravel road. Perhaps she was trying to escape from my mother? Thankfully, that was the only time my mother ever took care of her own mother before her mother passed away. So, as you can see, to be helpless in my mother's care is not to be desired. My father is in for a real shock if he ever becomes dependent on my mother's "tender" ministrations.
I was trained to fear "the look". It worked on me well into adulthood. Yes, the horrid woman would use a subtle version of the "look" long after I was out on my own. I would do just about anything to get that look off her face. No more swooping in, grabbing the arm, hissing in the face. No, she'd stop short of that. Just the pre-swoop part of the look. Reluctant for a scene to follow that look, she would get near perfect compliance from me for decades of my life. She was still capable of dishing out punishment in the form of emotional beatings. She was able to take her grown daughter, seal her off in a room alone with her, and dish out the emotional abuse. I suppose my obvious fear of her "look" was a signal to her that I was still her prey. When I stopped reacting to the look....she started to fear me.
Hopefully, I've been able to describe how a narcissist parent may have trained you to respond to a "look" to control your behavior even long after you've grown. You've been trained to react by giving compliance. It is time to stop fearing the look. It is a version of a temper tantrum. The immature narcissist is threatening to throw a fit if you don't give her what she wants. You're no longer that helpless child. You can use your rational brain to overcome the strong emotions you've been trained to have. As you see your parent's attempt to control you with a look, decide at that moment that you are looking at a two year old threatening to throw a full-blown fit if you don't do things his way. Deal accordingly. If the person who has controlled you with a look has been physically abusive to you as an adult...then be careful. Your resistance must take the form of your absenting yourself from their presence. Hopefully, permanently. Sometimes, the "look that could kill" is exactly that.
My mother is a virtuoso at what is described above. I'm going to attempt to describe the "look" without the benefit of pictures. I haven't written about this sooner because a picture is worth a thousand words. I've yet to find a picture with the murderous look my mother is known for by those close to her. I've even tried to use Google images to see if anyone has captured something resembling her look. I still haven't found it. So, I'm going to try to describe it both as it appeared and the emotions it evoked and hope your imagination can do the rest. The quote above proves to me that the controlling look is not something that only my mother used.
I'm sure that not only narcissistic mothers use the "look". It can be an effective tool for any narcissist who has had opportunity to privately terrorize another human being into submission. I am certain, though, that the most effective training to fear a "look" is done when one is very young. Before the age of reason.
"Once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word". The terrifying look is terrifying to you because you were trained to perceive it as such. The "look" was accompanied by swift and terrorizing punishment when you were tiny. Like Pavlov's dogs, it didn't take long to associate that look with certain pain, both emotional and physical. Soon, she only has to flash you "the look" and you drop into line. Likely, all this training was accomplished before you could even talk. This means you react to it on a completely emotional, not rational, basis because you were trained long before your rational brain was up and running.
Once you've been trained, the "look" is a subtle form of communication that the narcissist parent uses to keep you in line especially when others are around. Without having to raise their voice, lift a hand, even move an inch out of their chair, you can be instantly persuaded that you are in deep trouble unless you stop what you're doing or saying that very moment. You fear you may still be in trouble even if you do stop instantly...which leaves your little heart quivering in fear for hours.
This being said, all parents are able to communicate with their children with a look. Usually a raised eyebrow. The child's reaction to a parental "look" is a good indication whether or not in privacy that look is followed with terrorism. If a child suddenly looks like they are scared shitless...that look is not a benevolent warning enabling the child to decide to use self-control rather than have to endure discipline. Good parents do not rule their children with terror. They may communicate a warning with a look...a child has a choice at that moment. Proceed and be disciplined. Stop and all is well. Discipline is not terrorism. Narcissist parents do not discipline. They terrify their "subjects" into compliance. They make it so painful to go against them that you'll do just about anything to not displease them. Especially as a helpless child. What I'm describing is the "look" which is backed up with this type of emotional and physical terrorism.
Let's see if I can begin to describe the look my own mother has employed with great effect, not only with myself and my sister, but the scores of children left in her care by oblivious working mothers. If you're a working mother...think about it. Someone like my mother could be caring for your child. My mother was widely considered an excellent day care provider. All her references would have been glowing. Think long and hard. I saw my mother use the below described methods on other people's children many, many times over the years.
Back to the "look". Her entire face tightens. Then the eyes slightly narrow. The nostrils flare subtly. The teeth. The teeth were the major player in her scary face. She would set her front top teeth onto her front bottom teeth which you could perceive was happening even though her mouth is still closed. Then, she moves in on you swiftly. Suddenly, she is right over you, usually with a death grip on your arm. Maybe both arms. Her face is brought within inches of your own. Then the lips unfurl. She is hissing at you through her gritted teeth. She would actually grind them as she was hissing her anger at you. The face is totally demonic. She looks possessed with rage and you feel sure that it is all she can do to not kill you that very instant. As those teeth grind, her face starts to really contort. The bottom part of her jaw sets to the side as she grits and grinds her teeth. The tenseness in her face is entire. She looks like a barely controlled nuclear fission reactor. She never raises her voice. No, the more angry she is the more she whispers. But that whisper is right in front of your eyes. You're face is two inches from the demon woman as she hisses through her grinding teeth. This look is usually followed by an ass pounding. She may use her hand. She may get a shoe. She feels virtuous because she never uses a belt for beatings. Somehow, in her mind, the belt was excessive. Believe me, a rubber-soled sandal can hurt like hell.
Now, this is how she deals with children, not autonomous adults. Keep in mind that the demon-possessed bitch face is saved for the most innocent and the most helpless. This means children, but it can also mean the elderly. I saw her grind her teeth at my dad's father, my grandfather, a time or two. My grandfather had the misfortune of spending his last years under my parent's roof as Parkinson's took him slowly. My mother was in charge of taking care of him. She hated him. She mostly controlled herself when I was around, but I saw the teeth gnash in his presence. Luckily for him, glaucoma had stolen almost 100% of his sight, and his ears didn't work so well either. I am fairly sure most of the subtleties were lost on him, though I'm also sure he knew my mother felt imposed upon by him.
My daughter, when she was around six years of age, was around the summer my mother was taking care of her own mother. It was a six week period where my mother was giving her sister a break. Her mother had some dementia due to multiple strokes. My daughter was so shocked to see my mother spanking her own elderly mother that she's never forgotten it. I am sure my mother must have been giving her devil face to her mother. Hopefully, my poor grandmother was unable to comprehend it. Though I have my doubts about that. One of the reasons my mother was so angry was that my grandmother kept escaping from the house and trying to run down the gravel road. Perhaps she was trying to escape from my mother? Thankfully, that was the only time my mother ever took care of her own mother before her mother passed away. So, as you can see, to be helpless in my mother's care is not to be desired. My father is in for a real shock if he ever becomes dependent on my mother's "tender" ministrations.
I was trained to fear "the look". It worked on me well into adulthood. Yes, the horrid woman would use a subtle version of the "look" long after I was out on my own. I would do just about anything to get that look off her face. No more swooping in, grabbing the arm, hissing in the face. No, she'd stop short of that. Just the pre-swoop part of the look. Reluctant for a scene to follow that look, she would get near perfect compliance from me for decades of my life. She was still capable of dishing out punishment in the form of emotional beatings. She was able to take her grown daughter, seal her off in a room alone with her, and dish out the emotional abuse. I suppose my obvious fear of her "look" was a signal to her that I was still her prey. When I stopped reacting to the look....she started to fear me.
Hopefully, I've been able to describe how a narcissist parent may have trained you to respond to a "look" to control your behavior even long after you've grown. You've been trained to react by giving compliance. It is time to stop fearing the look. It is a version of a temper tantrum. The immature narcissist is threatening to throw a fit if you don't give her what she wants. You're no longer that helpless child. You can use your rational brain to overcome the strong emotions you've been trained to have. As you see your parent's attempt to control you with a look, decide at that moment that you are looking at a two year old threatening to throw a full-blown fit if you don't do things his way. Deal accordingly. If the person who has controlled you with a look has been physically abusive to you as an adult...then be careful. Your resistance must take the form of your absenting yourself from their presence. Hopefully, permanently. Sometimes, the "look that could kill" is exactly that.
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