My Mother -- The Actress

One of my mother's cherished fantasies is the one where she could have been a movie star. She grew up in Los Angeles and blossomed into a striking beauty. Nothing was ordinary about her beauty...it was the kind of exotic beauty that turned the heads of men and women. I know this is true because I've seen it for myself. I've seen the pictures. I've seen the person. She didn't make up this part of the story. Her breath-taking beauty of youth was the primary source of her downfall. It gave her great power which she delighted in exploiting.

A story my mother loves to tell is the one where she is dressed up and walking down a street in Hollywood. She was somewhere around eighteen to twenty years old. Whom should she pass but Sophia Loren. Ms. Loren was flanked by a couple of men, but was not looking so hot that day. No make-up, not dressed up, disheveled and behaving badly. Ms. Loren saw my mother, turned, and asked those around her, "who is that?" My mother is careful to emphasize how startled and jealous Ms. Loren seemed to be. My mother has told this story over and over to me and others. There is possibly a grain of truth in it, but I suspect it is largely the product of my mother's grandiose dreams. My mother seemed to have a life-long competition going with Sophia Loren. Some reasons for this is that they were somewhat close in age (Loren is just a few years older), both were exotic beauties, Loren was an actress and my mother always fancied herself to be one, too. My mother imagined herself to be everything Loren was, only better.

Over the years I have heard my mother occasionally remark on how she could have been a "consummate actress". Her words. I had always believed her. Now, I think, "Yeah, you could have been an actress, but you would have been Norma Desmond, not Sophia Loren." There is no doubt that my mother has acting skills. She has always been playing to an audience. Much of her act, though, was playing to her greatest strength...her looks. With the fading looks it is much easier to see that the acting skills leave a lot to be desired.

Joe Gillis: You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
Norma Desmond: I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

Which brings me to "Norma Desmond" of to 1950 movie Sunset Blvd. I love this movie. It is so my mother. The character of Ms. Desmond captures the essence of my mother in her declining years. Even though Norma hasn't been on the silver screen for twenty years she is always living in her past as though it is present. She has turned her crumbling mansion into a shrine to herself, and her butler diligently props up her delusions by writing and sending her fan mail so she thinks she still has an adoring public. I'm sure that many people watch this movie and laugh at Gloria Swanson's over-the-top acting as "Norma Desmond". I applaud her for it. One of the qualities of a narcissist is their over-the-top acting jobs! What may look like pure fiction to certain viewers greatly resembles the reality of my own mother. I've seen all of it in real life. Ms. Swanson captures the essence of the narcissist in this movie. Even the fricking hand and arm movements are familiar to me. At the very least, Ms. Swanson captures the essence of my narcissist mother.

I especially love it when movies depicting narcissistic characters get the ending right. Happy endings where the narcissist suddenly becomes a real human being always strike me as silly and hitting a flat note. It is not an ending I can believe, so it ruins the whole story for me. Narcissists end badly. Period. Sunset Blvd. shows the main character, Norma, as finally being completely consumed by her delusions. She escapes harsh reality by totally committing herself to her fantasy about herself and life. Consequently, she goes mad. She commits herself to her madness because she has to escape from the egregious crime she commits in the name of jealous "love". Rather than face the truth of her actions, she makes the final descent into her insane fabrications. All that being said, I laugh throughout this film-noir at many points including the ending. The character is playing to her "audience" right to the bitter end. Just like my mother.

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."

UPDATE: Apparently I forgot the most important detail to the Sophia Loren Story. My cousin has heard all my mother's stories much more recently than I have due to having been in my mother's life more recently than I have. Here's the punchline I forgot. I am sure I forgot it because I never believed it. It was one of those things I just flushed because it was so damn silly.

Okay, brace yourself.

The next time my mother saw Ms. Loren (where? when? who knows) she had completely changed her look. No longer the potty-mouthed, disheveled and ill-behaved wretch. She was well-dressed, perfectly coiffed, lady-like and carrying herself with the same exact airs as she saw my mother demonstrate that day by just passing her on the street. It wasn't until then that her career took off. Yes, folks. You didn't know this, but Sophia Loren found success by emulating my very own mother. How's that for a grandiose sense of oneself?

Blind-sided by a Smear Campaign

Since it happened yesterday I have struggled with whether or not to bring it up here on my blog. I wasn't sure I wanted to involve people who would never be aware of these events without me mentioning it here. I've decided to do it. I'll explain why as we go along.

I have been the object of a smear campaign. I was unsuspecting therefore it was quite a shock. This seems like a good time to bring up the concept of the "smear campaign" that is often used by narcissists. Since this blog is about narcissists and their tactics, this is a good time to bring up this particular one.

I was recently invited to join a Yahoo Group by the owner of that group. I was invited and joined on Aug. 28, 2007. The shit hit the fan yesterday, nine days after joining. This is a support group for people who are "divorcing" their parents or in the process of it. The owner asked me to join her group so I could post there. I walked into a trap, apparently.

She was well aware of my blog. Looking in the archives minutes before I unsubbed last night I saw that she had at least three times, in the previous month to my joining, quoted entire blog posts from Narcissists Suck with attribution. Which is fine. My point is, the purpose for her doing so was obviously to be helpful and instructive to her group members. She was recommending my site by quoting it and including the link. No indication until yesterday that she was thinking I was an evil "spy" that she must warn her members against.

Yes, in an email that obviously had been sent to one of her group members privately she titled it "Beware of Anna V" and proceeded to libelously accuse me of stealing ideas from her members in the group claiming I had gotten into her group in disguise so I could steal content. The accusations were made without one shred of proof. Her accusations are rather fuzzy. The more specific accusation claims I had stolen the idea from one of her members to analyze my sister's letter. This is so ludicrous as to be almost laughable. I guess I could never have come up with that idea all by my little self. Not to mention that my analysis of my sister's letter was composed over TWO years ago! (A fact I can prove.) That it only ended up in my blog some weeks back doesn't mean I just came up with it. It was an exercise I did immediately after my cutting off with my sister. Which is a fact I shared when I posted it on my blog. Of all the things to accuse me of stealing she goes right for the thing I can prove absolutely to have come up with on my own.

This group owner's private email ended up in the group messages because the person she was trying to poison responded to it with the group's email address. So the owner decides to switch me from receiving the "digest" version of the group's posts to "web only". That tells me she wasn't eager for me to see her libelous comments.

This group owner has greatly flattered herself to believe that her group was so compellingly interesting to me that I had to join incognito to "steal" ideas from her group. She wasn't even on my radar. I only joined because she specifically asked me to, and I was willing to give it a try to see if I could add anything pertinent or of interest for her group as she was specifically asking me to do. I was poorly rewarded for my decision.

After I found the libelous message yesterday late morning, I fired off a response to the group. It never was allowed into the group by the owner. She obviously put me on moderation after switching me to "web only". I had no recourse to try to clear my name to the very people who were being influenced by her smear campaign against me. I reserve the right to try to defend myself where I can. Here, on my blog. Some of her members were still visiting my blog after her email landed into the group messages. Maybe someone there is interested in my side of the story.

Because she was falsely accusing me of stealing intellectual property she has in reality laid claim to stealing my intellectual property. She is staking her "right" to decide what I've stolen and claim it as her own or belonging to her group. All without a speck of proof. Meanwhile, I have proof of my ownership of what she claims I took. Absolute proof that would stand up in court. The attempted thief in this picture is group owner herself.

Since this happened to me yesterday, I have now found out from other ACONs she has abused others in similar ways. The common theme that has developed by people who are now speaking up is that she is somewhat paranoid and very authoritarian. Beware of:

"Adultchildren_divorcing_their_parents" at Yahoo Groups.

Had I known what she had already done to other ACONS in the other group I was already a member of I would never have been lured to join up with this owner's newer group. Knowing that if her identity had been revealed to me I would have been saved this unpleasant experience, I am sharing the identity of this owner's group with you here. Just be aware of what you've read here should you decide this is a place you want to hang out or are already a member of it. Think of this like a restaurant review. I went. I now have my own experience and impression which I am free to describe. The atmosphere and food sucks. Two thumbs down.

Back to what Kathy Krajo has so well described about the smear campaign:

Note that in doing this, the narcissist isn't attacking your faults and shortcomings: she is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently, when she is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows she shoots never hit one of that person's real flaws.

I maintain this applies to my situation. I think there is some ample evidence that I can think for myself and can write what I'm thinking with at least some decent clarity and quality. This group owner has tried assassinate my virtues and not my flaws. I believe she has revealed something about herself. I am tempted to believe she has done what she accuses me of having done. I am pointing the finger straight back at the originator of the smear. I will assume there is a certain amount of projection motivating the smear campaign.

Because this group owner gave me no recourse to clear my name in her group, I am doing it here where many more people will learn of her treachery than just the few members of her closed little world where she controls all the knobs, bells and whistles.

Smear campaigns are a form of stealing. When someone does this to you they steal a part of you. Your good name, virtues and strengths. Do not sit still for it. It is never deserved. Kathy Krajco points out that the smear campaign is never provoked. That certainly applies in this case. There is no bad history between this person and me. I have never contradicted her, talked negatively about her, nothing. I get kicked in the teeth. The perversity of her attack is huge and therefore a giant red flag.

By the way, I have submitted a formal complaint to Yahoo!Groups and have requested that the libelous messages be deleted. If she deletes them now she can pretend this whole thing never happened. She is being invited to remove only the proof of her own treachery. Not a bad deal for her.

Please read the full article at Kathy's site on Projection (and smear campaigns). It is excellent...as is all her content.
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9/21/07: Another innocent person has been blind-sided by the owner of "Adultchildren_divorcing_their_parents" Yahoo! Group. The casualties mount. Please beware. This group owner writes very poorly in English. She has an American moderator who is her well-spoken pit-bull who threatens legal action to anyone who dares to describe this owner's mistreatment of them. You must subscribe to this group with extreme caution. It can only be a support group to you if you are willing to agree to all the paranoid delusions of its owner. This is not an exaggeration. You've been warned.

Narcissist Grandparents

I've expressed one of my greatest regrets in a couple places on my blog. I will reiterate it here: my greatest regret in life (and I have some doozies, but this one easily wins first place) is that I allowed my mother access to my daughter when she was young.

The comments on the last post asked for my opinion on how to explain to children why you are cutting the narcissistic grandparent out of their lives. Before I get to that, I want to deal with the moral necessity of protecting one's children from a known danger. What I have marveled at in myself and in others is that we have endured so much pain, both physical and emotional, inflicted by our narcissist parent and, yet, we somehow see our way clear to allow our abuser access to our own young. The disconnect in our thinking is rather breath taking when approached rationally without making mental exceptions for the familial connection.

Here are the facts of life: the malignant narcissist is still a malignant narcissist even after you give birth. The fundamental nature of your malignantly narcissistic parent is the same as it was when you were a child. (If not worse.) Due to no reason other than the fact that you brought a child into the world, your narcissist parent is now a narcissist grandparent. Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. But adult children of narcissists (ACONs) seem to show a natural affinity for believing in this work of fiction. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the narcissist to changing circumstances.

It is highly unlikely that your NPD parent will interact with your children in exactly the same way they did with you. At least, not in your presence. They have adapted their methods to the new situation of you having a family of your own. They know they don't have the same power and control they used to so they usually switch to sneakier methodologies. Which allows you to think that they have changed from what they were when you were growing up. From my personal experience, and from observing the experiences of others, the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well.

The actual mechanics of how the NPD grandparent will misuse their relationship to their grandchildren will vary. Generally, they will either over-value or under-value the grandchild as a means to get to you. Often, when they over-value, it is the objective of the Ngrandparent to steal the child from you. I mean that in both senses, physically and emotionally. Ngrandparents are known for so much trash-talking against you behind your back to your own child or children that they want to go live with grandma or grandpa, or the Ngrandparents simply inspire rebellion of the child against you. They steal the hearts of the grandchildren. Sometimes, they will battle for physical custody of a grandchild after their slander campaign against you has won them powerful allies. Many times the Ngrandparent has a lot of extra cash to throw around since they are done raising a family. They may successfully exploit the natural selfishness of the child by using cash or toys to lure them. I have read heart-breaking stories of these kinds of situations often enough that I recognize the clear danger any narcissist grandparent represents. They can even steal your children's hearts from you when the children near adulthood with promises of money, houses, cars, college tuition, etc. as bait.

It is imperative to let yourself know that, without profound evidence to the contrary, your narcissist parent is a narcissist still. You must let yourself know for a fact that your Nparent can not be trusted with your most precious responsibility, your children. If you allow contact between your children and your Nparent it must never be out of sight. Never for a moment leave your child alone with this serial abuser. They only need a few moments of alone time to inflict damage. A whisper, an insinuation, a pinch, a look. If you consider yourself a responsible parent you will never, ever leave your child alone with your Nparent. Ever.

So you've made the decision that cutting off contact with your Nparent is a necessity and now you're dealing with questions from your children, or you're anticipating questions. First of all, let us establish another fact. You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will find that the children will eventually stop mentioning the loss of the narcissist grandparent if you are not bringing it up. If you are talking about your Nparent in the hearing of your children then you are inviting them to keep talking about it, too. I can not over-emphasize the need for your explanation to a younger child to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed the Ngrandparent's nastiness in action then you can say more.

Young children are not known for their long attention spans. This works in your favor. With younger children you have the advantage of distraction. It is easy enough to get the child's mind off onto another track. Every parent has done the distraction routine at one time or another. "Mommy, I want to see NastyGram today!" "Honey, we aren't going to see NastyGram today because we get to go to the park and eat ice cream." (Make up fun time on the spot if necessary for this distraction.) "Yay!!" sez the kid and off we go. Subject changed, kid distracted. In time, NastyGram will fade from memory. Any bonding that may have occurred will dissipate in the process of time.

Remember, you are the parent. You're older and therefore more experienced which is the point of being the parent. The child is dependent on your good sense and protective wisdom. You're smarter than your child; use that to your advantage (such as using the distraction method). You are the final authority. This is not a negotiable issue. Kidlet doesn't get to decide on this one because they lack the understanding, wisdom, experience and good sense that, hopefully, you have. So don't look like you're unsure or open to quibble. You'll undermine yourself if you look anything but firm and resolved on it. Use your advantages as parent to smooth the effects of the cut-off. Over time this will all quiet down. Kids tend to accept what is. It will happen more quickly if you follow the above advice.

Most of all, do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behavior; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

Cutting off from your narcissist parent is a good thing. No need to act otherwise. Your children will sense it is a good thing by how you behave. Model how you want them to respond and it is likely they will imitate. Don't be afraid of their questions. Kids are amazingly resilient and well-equipped to handle truth. Parents are supposed to protect their progeny. If your child doesn't agree with how you go about that don't worry. They will often disagree with your decisions for their best interests. Nothing new there. It is your job as parent to make the tough decisions. If you know it is the right decision then proceed with confidence. Showing confidence is a quality of leadership. As a parent you are supposed to be a leader. Lead...and they will likely follow.

I would like to invite readers to use the comment section on this post to describe their experiences with narcissistic grandparents. This will be highly instructive to those who are on the fence. People tend to get stuck at the point where they think they are depriving their children of their grandparents instead of seeing that they are insuring that their own narcissistic parents now have access to abuse the grandchildren. Because the abuse is usually hidden the damage is done before people catch on. I would like to save people from this experience if they are at all willing to listen to the experiences of others.

Your Most Fundamental Right

Your most fundamental right, the right given to all living creatures be they man or beast, is the right to self-defense. A fundamental right is defined as any right that can be simultaneously claimed by all without infringing on another person's rights. Self-defense falls into this definition. Your right to protect yourself, your property, and your family can be exercised without infringing on another person's right to the same. The fundamental right to LIVE is the basis of the fundamental right of self-defense.

I contend that only a tyrant-at-heart will try to make a case that you do not have the right to self-defense. Narcissists are always tyrannical which is why they will teach their children at the youngest age that the child has no right to self-defense. This is taught to the child through brain-washing techniques which is why the child grows into an adult and still won't exercise their most basic human right. One of the hallmarks of self-defense is that you will use the minimum force necessary to eliminate the imminent threat. For example, if you stab someone 45 times the police will not likely believe you were acting in self-defense. That kind of over kill is the hallmark of rage and hatred, not self-defense.

We need to address the woefully rigid thinking of many Christians on this subject. They will cluck their tongues and mutter on about the need to "turn the other cheek" if they are forced to witness an abused individual try to assert their right to self-defense even if that self-defense is merely in the form of walking away. Near as I can tell, when Christ issued instructions to "walk an extra mile" and "turn the other cheek" the primary context is when an individual is under the power of a civil authority. The immediate context of His instructions were to not engage in retribution (i.e "eye for an eye"). Retribution is quite different than self-defense. There is plenty of Biblical instruction to defend the self and those in your care from evil by withdrawing from it. That is self-defense. There are numerous Biblical examples of God's people going to war in order to defend life and country. Withdrawing from an evil person or situation is the use of the right to self-protection. Withdrawing, i.e. going no contact, is exercising the minimum "force" necessary to provide for one's self defense. It isn't even "force" at all. The only force applied in going No Contact is forcing that person to stop hurting you. Expect the narcissist to howl that you are doing something immoral by refusing all contact. Again, that is the roar of the frustrated tyrant.

I can hear Christians still arguing against the idea...so I'll go a step further. Look at nature. If you truly believe that God created everything then look at how He created all creatures with some ability to defend themselves. Some of the most apparently helpless creatures have advantages of stealth and camouflage at their disposal. What is camouflage but using pattern and color to deceive the predator's eye? Yes, even the God of Heaven justifies the use of deception in order to protect the helpless from predation. Some creatures' self-defense come in the form of building holes, forts and dens. Hiding is usually a very effective form of self-defense and is seen all throughout nature. Look at the ways that certain animal mothers will protect their young. The use of teeth, claws, strength and fierce mien is unhesitatingly used to protect herself and her young. When a fierce mother bear feels her young are threatened she will apply force unapologetically...and will stop applying force the moment she feels the threat is over. Yes, she may go over-board in our estimation...but she is an animal. We are moral beings in addition to being sentient. We can better gauge the level of force necessary to self-protect which will rarely require bloodshed. Thankfully. Camouflage (hiding in plain sight), hiding in protective covering, or brute force. All these principles of self-defense are seen in every aspect of God's creation. The predators may also use these methods, nevertheless, no creature is found without some built-in knowledge or ability to self-defense. That includes YOU.

When you hear anyone arguing against the right for others to defend themselves from a threat to their person or property you are witnessing the spirit of the tyrant. Resist tyranny. Never attempt to deprive yourself or others of the right to self-defense otherwise you will be playing into the hands of the despot and risk imbibing of the spirit of the despot yourself if you insist on others not exercising their right to self-defense.

If you have scruples against defending yourself, do not feel free to foist your scruples onto someone else. Have your scruples, but leave others alone to theirs. You can decide to be lunch for a predator, but your rights stop there. You have no right to demand others to willingly surrender themselves to be a predator's meal.

Recognize the reality that the narcissist will never give you "permission" to defend yourself against them. Quit being confused as to your rights to self-defense when confronted by the threatenings and breathings against you by the narcissist for doing so. Is it reasonable to expect the despotic ruler to grant you the right to mount a defense against his capricious demands? Hardly. It is time to recognize your fundamental right to live which is connected to your fundamental right to defend your life against threats. This is as true in the emotional, mental and spiritual realm as in the physical.

The Narcissistic Mother

Many people are directed to my blog by Google as they search for "characteristics of narcissistic mothers". It seems there are too many characteristics to list, but someone has managed to capture a good picture of the beast. I direct you to Sanctuary for the Abused. Check out the post for Sunday, September 2, 2007 for a detailed description of the many and varied ways of the narcissistic mother. The narcissistic mother is a special beastie all her own. Read it and weep...or laugh. Whichever mood strikes.