Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Another Sister Story Otherwise Known As 'The Last Jab'

It was September 2005. It was the last time my sister had enough access to my heart that she could make me cry. It had been many, many years since she had made me cry because it had been many years since I'd allowed myself to trust her at all. As I've mentioned in other posts, since late 2002 my sister and I had rekindled a relationship based on our discussions about our mother. This began because of my mother's bad behavior in my home on Thanksgiving 2002 which is what eventually precipitated my cutting off my mother. Sister and I were conversing more often on a subject we could both agree on. Mom.

In September of 2005 I hadn't fully realized that I had let myself think I had an ally in my sister. I didn't realize to what extent I had let myself trust her enough that she could hurt me. This was yet another time when she took my trust and gleefully stomped on it all the while acting like she was doing no such thing.

Here's how it went down.

I had written to my mother in May 2005 to tell her I was going forever no contact. This prompted an angry letter from my father on June 3, 2005. He was a knight-in-shining-armor intent on slashing up the enemy to save his distressed damsel. I, of course, was now the enemy.

I read his letter to my sister and told her I would be replying to it. She decided she was going to write a letter too. In it, she would explain her experiences with our mother knowing it would buttress whatever I would be saying because we had the same mother. She encouraged our cousin "Lee" to write a letter telling her story of our mom's dealing with her and my daughter to tell hers. This meant my father received four letters over the course of that summer from four females in his family telling their own personal stories of life with my mother. Without collusion these letters were all describing the same monster over the span of four decades. This, according to my sister, was ostensibly to help prove to him that I was not being unreasonable in my stance against my mother which was the accusation being leveled at me by my father.

She was presenting herself to me as a solid ally in my case against our parents.

My sister was on speaking terms with our father at this time. I was not. He was conciliatory toward my sister. Not me. The difference? I was the one insisting on holding my mother to account and I had cut off contact. These were the giant sins in my father's eyes, especially the latter. My sister had said some similar things to our mother as I had said in my letters over the last 2 1/2 years, only my sister was much less tactful (something she freely admitted), yet I'm the one who was evil. Two reasons: My parents were used to my sister getting in our mother's face; it was a whole new thing for me to confront my mother. Secondly, my sister may rage and complain at our mother but she never threatened to cut off contact let alone actually go through with it as I had. My sister had a long history of very disrespectfully dealing with our mother. I, on the other hand, had been respectful while being directly truthful. Yet I was being portrayed as being a bad daughter. I was being cruel. It was a curious double-standard that suddenly cropped up when I had finally, for the first time in my life, stood up to my mother. I guess my parents don't so much mind my sister's angry and disrespectful dealings with mommy dearest. Probably because she never effectively hit on the truth of our mother. I was hitting the nail on the head...consequently, they were mightily unhappy with me.

I was also demanding something no one ever expected from my mother...a real, unvarnished apology and reparations in the form of taking back the character assassination campaign she'd embarked on since she returned home after that fateful Thanksgiving 2002 visit. She had come to me with her non-apology apology. But the one thing that would prove the sincerity of that apology she refused to do. She refused to go back to the people she had slandered me and my family to and tell them she was wrong and sorry as she was privately telling me in the safety of a letter.

Because my letters to my mother were deemed "cruel" and "disrespectful" my father was determined to take a hard line against me until I decided to behave "better". So even though he had received a letter from my sister at the same time he'd gotten mine, a letter in which she did not spare our mother, he was still conciliatory toward my sister.

"I got a rock", to quote Charlie Brown.

My first letter to my father, which I sent on June 17, 2005, was me pouring out my heart. I made a full-out effort to appeal to any shred of compassion he may possibly harbor toward me. It was an attempt to reach him with both logic and emotion. This letter was an attempt to have a conversation with my father that we'd never had. He was judging me by what Worm Tongue was whispering in his ear about me. He'd never bothered to ask me personally what I was thinking. He was judging and condemning my motives by what my mother was saying my motives were.

I waited three months for a response. It was not worth the wait. In the course of a few paragraphs he met my appeal for his compassion with a brick wall of deliberate missing-the-point, history revision, choosing to twist one sentence in my lengthy letter to pretend I had hurt his feelings, focusing in on one word in my letter to pretend I was cutting him off along with my mother when I had made it clear I still wanted him in my life. He insisted I was being cruel to my mother with the things I had said to her in my letters. And a load of other crap too deep to sum up here.

I remember reading his letter through the first time and then throwing the damnable thing on the floor and stomping on it. He was being a bully. He was insisting I must disregard all the abuses of the past, of both myself and many other family members, and pretend my mother was really, really sorry as he was insisting she was. Yeah, I was supposed to take his word for how sorry my mom was.

My next letter was not conciliatory. I decided to take him to the mat. Here is a sample paragraph of that letter:
Your response of Sept. 10th makes it clear that, in spite of having more information, you still condemn my letters, you still condemn my need for distance from Mom. I had the illusion that if you only, for once, heard the other side of the story that your unconditional support of Mom could be mitigated enough so you could allow others to make their decisions about her without having to contend with your condemnation. I see the truth of it now. No amount of information, at this point in time, will change your need to condemn me (to whatever extent) in order to lessen Mom's culpability. I wasn't asking you to climb into the judgment seat and decide how to divi up blame between my mother and me. Labeling me as being "part of the problem" is an example of your condemnatory judgment of me in order to make Mom less culpable. It is blame shifting. Neither she nor you have yet to let the full blame and consequences for her actions rest on her guilty shoulders without any caveats or blame-shifting. Part of the consequences of a life time of abusive behavior is that she no longer gets access to me and my family. Your refusal to graciously grant me this basic human right to protect me and mine illustrates why I can't trust that anything is changed. You would still offer no protection to your family from the machinations of your wife.
The words in bold directly above show that I had grasped the concept that self-defense is a right. It was a right I was holding to with all my might. I had been doing so since late 2002 as I dealt with my mother, and I continued to as I tried to reach a middle ground with my father.

Enter: sister. I read my second letter to my sister before I sent it to my father. She listened very quietly as I read it which was the first sign of her disapproval.

I finished reading my letter. She was still quiet. "Well?" I asked. "What do you think?" She assumed a school teacher tone with me like she had indulged the student by hearing them out and was now going to set the student straight.

Sister explained how my letter was very logical (a count against it in her mind), but it also seemed judgmental. She told me I was not going to win our father's heart by this rational approach (I was no longer trying to win his heart!). Also, I needed to leave him room to "save face". I had hemmed him in with my logic without any way for him to escape with his pride intact without acceding to my points. (!!??) Then she said my letter "sounded angry". She insisted I needed to examine my own motivations for saying what I was saying to see if any impure motives were inspiring my words. "Your letter comes across like you are trying to win" she stated without irony. Of course I was trying to win! I had the facts and truth on my side. Why wouldn't I try to win out against a bully?

I countered her every assertion. I did so fairly calmly and quite rationally. She maintained her position of moral superiority as the conversation continued. I was feeling a lot of things all at once. None of them pleasant. Eventually I began to cry. Frustration and overwhelm forced the tears from me. As I was crying I told her that our father was a bully and the only way for a bully to be forced to back down was to get in their face. I reminded her of multiple examples of his bullying behavior. I told her I didn't appreciate her telling me I didn't have the right to defend myself against the family bully! She started to waver.

Kathy's words below apply directly to what was going on in that conversation:

The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don't EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!

Never, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell right back at the abuser. Though yelling back may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim's right. It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a backbone.
Sister was violating every "don't" in the words above.

I then went on to explain to my sister that over the course of the two weeks it had taken for me to write this letter I had, of course, taken the time to carefully examine my own heart. I didn't appreciate her deciding for me that my motives were not right. I know my own heart. She backed down, but without apology. She still maintained her calm, school-teacher tone and said, "Oh, well, very good. That was all I was asking you to do. To examine your own heart so you were not speaking out of anger." I did not miss the moral superiority showing through that comment.

As I've mentioned in other posts about my sister, she pretends that anger is always a morally wrong emotion to have. If a person shows anger they are automatically in the wrong regardless of the rightness of their position. I knew this was how she thought even at this time. Therefore, I didn't confess to her that, yes, I felt anger toward my father. I knew I was justified in my anger and I knew I hadn't "sinned" against him in my anger. There was nothing wrong with my letter to him. It was a demand for justice. Yes, I was judging him. He was demonstrably wrong! My sister had fully admitted to the rightness of my positions, but I just hadn't said it in such a way that would allow my dad to get away with being wrong and not feeling like he was in the wrong. What a bunch of ... malarky.

I was rather confused by my very visceral reaction to my sister's words. It felt like I had been clobbered by her. I got off the phone with her and resumed crying. I had a hard time sleeping that night. I woke up looking like crap with puffy eyes and face, a headache, and feeling depressed. I wrestled with perplexity at why I felt like I had been hit by a train.

She had tried to take away my right to defend myself. If I insisted on needing to resist the family bully, my father, it needed to not look like resistance, according to her. This was a double whammy. It was not only taking away my right to self-defense, it was a betrayal. She tipped her hand. She was not a friend. She was another enabler of the family evil. I understood all these things intellectually at the time. Yet I was still wondering why it affected me so deeply on an emotional level. Now I realize it is because:

When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm.

The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide.

For, what does it mean when a person accepts pain for another's pleasure? That goes against the instinct for self-preservation. So what happens to the victim's self? The victim no longer belongs to him- or her-self. The victim is possessed by the abuser. Like an arm or leg of his for him to use or abuse as he pleases.

It is the ultimate degradation...
Kathy is describing some very powerfully negative emotions which come about from being denied the right to self-defense either by others or by ones own self. "Unbearable shame" (for being forced to bend over for abuse when you have the power to resist), "ultimate degradation". Those are descriptions of tsunami-sized emotions which can be provoked in the victim by the abusers and the Holy Joes who insist the victim continue to offer themselves up for the pleasure of the abuser.

I contend that the damage the Holy Joes inflict is as bad, if not worse, than what the abuser dishes out. It would appear that is what Kathy herself believed by her descriptions above.

My father's letters had caused me to feel some anger and much determination. I was not overwhelmed by what he was attempting to force me to do because I knew I could and would resist. His letters could not provoke me to cry. I was not turned into an emotional wreck by his lies and assertions and history revision. I knew what side he was on. But a pretended ally, a supposed friend had the power to take my heart and wring it out. Because I had let myself trust my sister, she was able to mightily test my belief that I had the right to stand up to my father. My father who is an abuser. If for no other reason, he proves he is an abuser by insisting I open myself up to my mother's abuse yet again. All his compassion was for his monstrous wife. None for me. He proved to me that he approves of tyranny. I was being told I mustn't stand up to tyranny when I obviously had the power to do so.

Obviously, my sister had just as little compassion for me as my abusive parents had. I suddenly found myself having to hold onto my right to self-defense in the face of my sister's disapproval and moral condemnation. She, who held herself out to be a serious Christian, was trying to disarm me in the name of Christianity. That is a powerful club. To feel that one must risk God's condemnation as well as the condemnation of His supposed followers is a mighty tide to work against. It damn near overwhelmed me.

Once my sister had reduced me to tears, she seemed smugly satisfied. She made no apology for forcing me to plead my case with tears. She was righteously self-assured and pronounced me "clean" after she had successfully tested my soul. I was stunned by all of this. Who the hell was she? Why did she get to sit in the judgment seat to test my heart and then get to decide if my motives were right? Only after she felt assured of the purity of my motives was my letter now fit to send. You see, after this tussle, she said, "I think you should definitely send your letter." WTF? NOW, it is okay to send it? Obviously, this proved she could truly see nothing wrong with my letter. She could only condemn the content if I had written said content with some impure motivation. What a vile, egregious, and gratuitous grab for power over me she went for! This was a big red flag...and I took it as such.

From this moment I knew I would never trust her again. Ever. I quietly resolved to keep this viper well-distanced from me. It was six months later that she pulled her last stunt and found herself on the outside of my life. You know the rest of the story.

This post is yet another glimpse into the "sister" story in addition to an example of how degraded and desperate a person feels when some bystander takes it upon themselves to tell a person they must willingly submit to their abuser(s). The feelings in the victim are nothing short of cataclysmic because it is demanding the victim willingly submit to their own degradation. Your right to self-defense is your right. Not a right someone else gives you out of the largess of their heart and their whim. It is a God-given right.

What God gives is not man's right to take away.


Anonymous said...

You have a great deal of courage, Anna. I dub thee Anna Braveheart!

Please don't ever change the photo of Anna Valerious drawing her sword. It's a powerful image of inspiration to me.

none said...

I have to agree with anonymous. That picture truly speaks a thousand words. That look on Anna's face says it all. Anyone who has not lived through the N Reality Distortion Field can't possibly relate to that facial expression. My wife and I call that "the look" and we see it when we mention my N father to anyone who has dealt with him. It is a universal look of disbelief, anger, and compassion. That picture captures "the look" perfectly.

Anonymous said...

OMG, Anna! I so relate to your story. It's sheer horror! No one could understand all those subtleties for the evil they are.You have told my exact dealings with my sister Jezebel, & the many bystanders & pawns among my herd of siblings.AARRGGHHH!!!
Their double-standard is proof that its TRUTH. "Hitting the nail on the head". We are not allowed to call attention to truth.That's the #1 Rule with them. Try & they'll turn you over & hang you by your nails. And don't you dare try to defend yourself! "Another enabler of the family evil." My confronting it these past 2 yrs have brought them ALL out of the woodwork--like cockroaches scurrying when you flip the lights on. Disgusting! But as you said, you KNEW which side your father was on. The hard part is finding out how many others are enablers.
It sucks, but thank God we found out! Now-we take action. Called NC.
Oh yeah-"WORM TONGUE whispering in his ear"--LMAO!!!! Katrina

Anonymous said...

Yes, isn't it something how others think they are entitled to do your thinking/feeling for you?? Of course being your sister and all of COURSE she had YOUR best interest at heart... ... well, didn't she?? Right. I've done the severing with my former sib also. He is a combo sociopath/liar/narcissistic type of creature all rolled into a lovely package of intellectual knowledge about any and all subjects. Especially the Bible. The Scripture that comes to my mind these days is "...ever learning but never able to come to the knowledge of the Truth." My mother just today told me that she'd "lived for me and ____(former sibling's name). I responded by saying that I never asked her to live for me. She needed to have lived her life and then she may have had something to actually give instead of always taking. Thanks for listening and keep up the good work.

Anna Valerious said...

A note to Katrina...

I got your email. When I sent a response it was returned to me undeliverable at your "John Smith" email address. Just so's ya know.

BTW, yes, you are welcome to email me. I suggest if you want a response that you email from an address I can access you at.

Anonymous said...

"What a vile, egregious, and gratuitous grab for power over me she went for! That was a big red flag... That I took as such."

That to me is the very definition of evil. Someone who, like a wolf, stays crouched, waiting, watching, salivating and licking their chops readying themselves for the perfect opportunity to pounce and gain control!

Anyone who wants power over other people and makes gratuitious grabs for it can't be trusted. HUGE RED FLAG! People who want power over others, and especially those who wait in the wings for others to be vulnerable are SICK IN THE HEAD!!

Good, normal people, and that includes leaders and parents, don't want to dominate and control others. Only the weak, sick, impotent and inferior want power over others and they will try and grab for it whenever, wherever and however they can...They are scavengers and they play dirty.

Anna, I related all too well with that line you wrote about your sister. Mine is a wolf too, and a sick, weak, cowardly one at that. Her feeble grabs for power over me have been nothing but pathetic and only demonstrate how desperate and powerless she actually is.

Cathy said...

I've lived it . . . you've described it. They all need to be shot.

Nymphadora Lupin said...


When I read this, I felt horrible for you. I'm very, very glad it is the past. It was despicable that that your sister felt a sense of smug superiority over you and set herself in judgement; that came through like a nuclear blast.

Your assessment that she was making a grab for "power over", was dead on. She was setting herself up as YOUR MORAL AUTHORITY. As if. (Deep retching noises)

I find it most interesting that she approved of your letter only AFTER you had been reduced to tears through frustration (and hurt) attempting to explain yourself. The emotional attack was unexpected and below the belt and completely unacknowledged by her - she was being extremely aggressive. I have seen this type of behavior before; I have been on the receiving end of such a practice, and it is a horrible violation. No wonder you felt clobbered. You were.

Such types of thinking and behavior have a predictable pattern. It is as though she felt she knew you better than you knew yourself, and she needed to "educate" you, as if you were a naughty child, what your "real" motivations were. And of course, those "real" motivations were somehow "bad" and "wrong". If she didn't agree with your stated motivations, she probably would have argued with you about your own thoughts and feelings, and declared you horrible and wrong if you didn't accept HER interpretation of YOUR internal state. The arrogance of that type of thinking is mind boggling.

There was also the nasty idea that just because you're angry, that means whatever postion you're taking must be wrong. Again, predictably, abusers and their sympathisers use this same tired old ploy over and over again - somehow, the target of abuse must never get angry over how she's being treated, or that negates the abuse. That's so twisted, it doesn't even pass a basic nonsense check.

The whole situation is just really, really icky. Glad you gave her the boot.

Anonymous said...

Oh gee. I read and re-read this post with a sinking heart, Anna. I have a dear younger sis...whom I love very much...always have...and always will...because she was my 'first child'....and I 'protected' her and acted as her buffer during our growing up years. Though we were not allowed to be 'friends' (the divisiveness of Nmoms, you know), we did connect as adults and have kept good contact. She has always been good to me, loved me, and accepting of me though we lived so totally different lives. (She married the preacher, has been married 32 years, etc...)

HOWEVER....I realized when reading this post that, though she supports me in my decision to be NC with our Nmom....I'm am sure if I pressed her for 'loyalty'...you can guess which side she would have to take. I have avoided putting her in a position to 'take sides' because I don't want to face the outcome. Drat. I didn't really realize how much I DON'T say regarding Nmom and DumDad because I don't want the 'rift'. I can actually visualize and hear the most likely scenario between the two of us (sis and I) to be like the one with your sis, Anna...if it should come right down to it. My sis has that 'calm, teacherly' way about her...unlike my wildhaired arm waving...and I can just hear her question love, anger, forgiveness, duty etc. That's why I avoid it. Talk around it.....and compromise in still 'having her' because she 'agrees' that the NC might be the only way for me. Even though I instictively think she thinks I'll 'come around' as I trust God. Arrrrggggghhhhhh.

Can you see the pain and the frustration that goes with this hope for hanging onto SOMEBODY....some 'blood'...some 'validation' in the family...even if it means kidding yourself? Shoot. Oh yeah....I already gave up on OlderBrother 25 years ago because he IS a psychoboy! No loss...good riddance....halleluja. But, LilSis would hurt.

Jeannette Altes said...

Thank you. This has helped me. The 'anger is a sin' thing has been plaguing me all my life. :-) Still working on it. This helped.

Anonymous said...

Summerstorm, Yup. Just like my family. Nmom invalidates you, which VALIDATES the perp. Perp smirks & continues to pile it on. The cycle continues.Until we break it. We change the steps to "the dance", & everybody freaks out. No
one was ALLOWED to do THAT. Oh well, THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE ARE!!
Deal with it. (Without us.)

summerstorm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

UGH! Totally what my family has evolved into with regards to me.
All the eye rolling behind my back.
All trashing me behind my back. Much of that in my community now due to my "popular" sister Jezebel,lying behind my back. It does have an influence on people, they do start to wonder & suspect you. Which is why slander is so evil. I just keep tying to rise above it, hold my head high,etc. As Anna said, REPARATION for CHARACTER ASSASSINATION?! What a laugh! Never ever ever. How could they retrace that wildfire, even IF they wanted to? The damage is done. What you say about the things your son used to say: funny how it all starts to add up & come together once we realize what demon we're facing here. The past 2 yrs. have been light bulbs going off in my head. Bizarre things people said & did that just seemed "puzzling" at the time. Some going back 20 yrs. with Sr. Jezebel. A lot of "ah Ha" moments. Absolutely amazing! To start putting together the puzzle so it finally fits. Finally makes sense, because I'm seeing it as the composite of a(n) N(s), rather than trying to make sense out of it as tho dealing with normal sane people. This way, it DOES make sense. Perfect sense. For a disordered personality. Yes, its sad, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I said those exact words in my last email to all the siblings,in which I pointed out their recent lies about me. But, it IS like this. We must stay grounded in truth & have the courage to face reality. Its freeing! They say when the student is ready the teacher appears. I know God led me to Anna's blog cuz I was willing to see the truth & work my way to the other side of it. The sibling "CLUSTER****"(as my 2 sane sibs & I refer to it as)
is starting to reconvene here in my hometown this weekend for a big event for our parents. I have been praying like crazy & hanging on to reality. It will get worse before they all go away again. I can't control it. I can only control MY response to it, & the way I handle it. I feel strong in being around it for the obligatory function, only for my parents sake. I will remove myself from any of the gathering time that doesnt include our parents. I truly don't care that the sibs will use me as their fodder. They can do it all they want-I won't be in the audience.
Which of course will be another reason they trash me. As I told them in that same email--happy gossipping! LOL.

Anonymous said...

Wow. So clearly. Just yesterday my father is trying to convince me to forgive mother, to learn to get along with her. At least he definitely does not deny history or what she is doing is wrong. But like you said he is trying to say that is me who is the problem. I blithely tried to explain to him the concept of defense my way. You hit me I hit you back are the words I used.

He looked worried. It goes against his religious idea. Turn the other cheek etc. I am getting really sick of pretending to believe lol. I decided it wasn't true a year ago. The reason I am faking it is 1 mother would be constantly barraging me about 2 my father would feel like a complete failure and barrage me to come back to the fold.

Easier to avoid when you are out of the house. Waiting for that blessed day lol when I can have no religion whatsoever! (No offense to people who do believe if it makes you happy great!) Sometimes I feel sick during Sunday class. I have some pretty close calls when I talk to freely about my opinions.......

Brother does the same thing to me. "Why did you have to say that to mom? You know she doesn't take things well" Aaargh when I confronted her I was doing one last try and it proved I was right she is insane. I feel deeply for all of you who have these cruel people on the sidelines pushing you back into the skunk's pit.

Also reason number 3 for pretending to believe. He would definitely put his foot on my head for not believing the supposed truth. He is the one I am fond of the most unfortunately. He says himself the he can be manipulative. Most of the time he uses it to his advantage with mom manipulating her to get what he wants.

When I was describing her to him he got the concerned look on his facing saying he was very similar being able to turn some things on and off. I am starting to get a little suspicious about him. Sometimes if I meet one of his friends and they find out I am his sister they say "oh you". Geez I wonder what he says about me.

With all these people on the side putting you down you really feel like you are in an extremely complicated trap. You don't just have a bear claw on your leg you have several ropes tied around various appendages. Then you like the ropes so you don't want to cut them.

Also my brother can act very condescending to tell the full truth I am pretty violent with him less so since he has gotten stronger than me. When he acts like that he a gets a swift pinch or other such retaliation. I don't like being treated like an idiot. I'll take it from mom but no way am I going to let my little brother get away with it.

Now that I think about it I have been a physical bully to him for many years until the accursed day when genetics played out and we became teenagers. Need to do more push ups. He is always trying to control to take over and that makes me very very angry. (No excuse just the reasoning behind it I shouldn't have hit/scratched him poor little guy)

Lol the sibling divide it is interesting. Until about age 10 he was my enemy the reason me life was so miserably. There wasn't room for the two of us. He was the reason mom was the way he was the reason she was so stingy. We actually tried to get each other punished for awhile.

Now we have made a much more smart agreement. I don't tell on him he doesn't tell on me and so we disobey ridiculous rules that our mother makes quite happily. Maybe another post called the great divide. When your sibling is your enemy.

I have a kind of weird friendship with him. Most of the time we ignore each other the best way to get along then occasionally talk tell jokes, complain about mom, talk about other things in life etc. Also it still is combat for me. Because he is a boy and I am a girl it seems that dad is predisposed to like him more. So I constantly battling to beat him at sports, school, games, the list keeps on going.

It is so nice to have a place where I can speak! Where I can state my opinions and even better some people agree with me! Like a psychologist would say I have voice that I can be finally validated.

Anonymous said...

"When you cannot resist, you at least have the comfort of knowing that there was nothing you could do. But when you have the power to put up some resistance and don't - when you in effect say, "Here, take me and do what you will with me" - you feel like an abject worm.

The SHAME is unbearable. No exaggeration: it drives people to suicide"

This is a very powerful story, and the above quote speaks to it well. We heard that a member of the religious group run by the MN had committed suicide recently. He was torn between his own desire to defend himself, and come out of the group, and leaving his wife and children if he did so. The N's in his life made his life such hell that he could no longer live with the shame.

Suddenly, this has all become very serious for me, not that it wasn't before, but it has taken a whole new tangent now, now that people are driven to their own deaths by N's with no conscience.

Assuredly, standing up for yourself, defending and protecting yourself and your family is the most powerful thing anyone can do.

Anonymous said...

Some people self-medicate with rage. The rage produces endorphins, and there's nothing like the feeling of opiates in the bloodstream. Alcohol and drugs cost money. Rage does not. So, like junkies in need of a fix, they rage, then enjoy the high. In their drugged-up state, they dissociate from the previous moment and feel relaxed and happy.

People who do this are not normal.

Anonymous said...

Such a horrifying topic we've been on lately-character assassination & how we really get no chance at recourse. Ever. The dye has been cast. Forever. It spreads in a pool that just can't be undone. I too have the son-issue to struggle with in relation to Sister Jezebel & my 21 yr. old son. it all sounds so familiar it makes me feel like throwing up, literally.

Like Summerstorms Nmom--they trash us out of some perverse need or gratification, then continue out of habit. Like the analogy of rage to a drug--they get their fix /supply from the responses they illicit. Perhaps like a drug, it takes more & more slander & viciousness to satisfy their lust. But Jordie hit the nail on the head with the deadly seriousness of this behaviour against others. It can lead to a person's death. By their own hand.
The pain can be so great. My brother & his wife-the only one I consider my brother(out of MANY) told me recently that ppl's behaviour towards me is a MORTAL sin. N's don't always see the seriousness of it. To them it can just be a stinkin' game-of control,etc, for their amusement & gratification. Whether or not it leads to someone's suicide--it murders our souls & spirit. And noone has a right to steal someone else's good name, just because they can. Hang tough, my brothers & sisters. We can overcome this evil. We're facing it TOGETHER!

Anti-Narcy said...

This is so sad. I hurt for you, I hurt for my husband, I hurt for anyone whose "family of origin" slaps them in the face like the members of yours have done to you. Sometimes I forget how much more painful this situation with his family is for him than it is for me. These are my in-laws. I didn't suffer through this abusive bullshit my entire life growing up. They've made my life hell, absolutely, but it still doesn't have the same effect on me that it has on him...it would be impossible for me to feel it the way that he does.

My husband's father is EXACTLY like yours. And his brother is his mother's little "double agent", or as we like to call him, her little bitch (tacky, yes, but it's a dead-on description of him). Actually we call both of them that. Anyway...my husband's dad let my husband down the same way yours let you down, and after a hard lesson, he learned that his brother did, too.

Hearing this scenario from your side, the side that takes a more direct hit (for lack of a better phrase), makes me feel so selfish. So once again, I thank you. And I'm just so sorry. I know "I'm sorry" is such an empty phrase sometimes, but I don't even know how else to express what it is that I feel.

Blue. said...

I love you so much
and I don't even know you.
Your words have given me the power to face my own family. The tears are pouring down my cheeks as I read you. You are the archangel of truth. Bless you.

Anna Valerious said...

Thank you, Blue. I wish you the very best as you move forward.

Anonymous said...

your blog is so helpfulthank you

doveangel33 said...

I love this. This speaks to me in ways that you can never know. This is what happened to me. Pure evil. I know that only an act of God can restore me to the place that I was before the final blow by doing things that went against my moral character. I pray for that every day. I know that God has been with me the whole time which is why I never went crazy or suicidal. What He has allowed will be used for good. What I seek now is restoration and wholeness for my soul. That he will no longer own any piece of it.

Mondie said...

Thank you for your blog Anna. I've learned so much.
I do have a narcissistic mother, my sister is the golden child and I the black sheep.
Just like you, I have also chosen not to meet the constant demands of my mother. After decades of manipulating, lying, distorting truth, playing victim, I also decided to go NC with my mother a month ago.
She played the victim to my sister for many years and my sister is acting just like your father. She does not want my mother to be sad (she's not really sad) and I must be ashamed of her.
Yet my sister has a good character. Only she is brainwashed by my mother. My mother is very kind and helpful to the outside world, but is a very different inside her house.
My sister went NC with me. It makes me more sad than going NC with my mother, because my sister does not see that my mother is controlling her psychologically and that she's brainwashed.
40 and more years of emotional abuse of my mother did change my character. I suffer from uncertainty and fear of failure. It has influenced my life considerably.

When I read your letter to your father, I felt that your letter was rather rational. I felt your anger in your letter and I had not yet read your sister's comments.
My father was a very kind man. (He died a few years ago. He did not hurt anyone and I think he would have had the same reaction as your father. Maybe your father, like my father, was also brainwashed by your mother. In addition my father always saw the good things in others. Even of my mother: The house was clean, she cooked every day and all that kind of material stuff.
My father always tried to keep peace even if knew that my mother had a difficult character.
I think you don't have to see your father as an enemy even though he tried (unfortunately) to agree with your mothers acting. You can not change a narcissist and our fathers could not change our mothers.
Anger to your father is understandable but is i.m.o. not necessary and is perhaps better not to show neither to your mother, after all that will give her more narcissistic supply.
I think your sister gave a very sensible reaction. My sister did not even take the time to read my letter. Worse ... my mother convinced her that my letter was very negative and instead of talking about the content, she and my sister took the negative words out of the context.

A few months ago I've read about narcissism and immediately it cleared up my mind about my mother. I always wondered if she knew what she was doing. Yes, now I know. She knew it. I couldn't take it anymore. Time to go NC.
When I finally told my mother that I knew what she was doing and that her life didn't interest me anymore, she asked me "and my funeral?".
She worried that her end of her life might not go as planned.

I recently wrote my sister the following:
I'm sorry that things happened as they happened.
I no longer feel frustration towards you.
I now have the answers that I was looking for. I'm relieved.
If you feel good about yourself read about the introvert / hidden narcissistic mother and the golden child and a world will open up for you.
It will change your life and also our relationship. I promise you. I wish I had known it 30 years earlier.
Read it together with your husband if you want.

She did not answer.

I have not spoken the majority of my family about my problems with my mother. They will have heard it from my mother toxic perspective.
I think as it looks now that I won't go to her funeral (she is already in the 80s but still very healthy).
I am thinking of what I will answer to my sister when she asks me to see my mother when she is getting worse.
I also do not know what I will write to my sister and my family why I won't go to her funeral.
My family probably won't understand me because my mother is always very nice to them.
Can you please advise me what I could write to my sister and my family?
Do I have to explain everything?