"When you were born I was so overwhelmed at the responsibility that I gave you to God. I just wasn't ready for the responsibility so I knew I couldn't handle it on my own. But as you became older I realized you needed a sibling. Even though your father didn't want to have another child I knew it was the right thing to do. You needed a sibling. But this time I wanted to keep this child to myself. I told God, 'I already gave you one, this one is for me.' "
She has admitted to me that she "accidentally on purpose" became pregnant with my sister. Notice how she makes her deception of my father, and her not respecting his desire to not have any more children, into a virtue. She did it for me. She was only considering what was best for me. F***ing Mother Theresa she was. When she tells this part of the story she likes to emphasize how often I asked for a little sister. I now doubt I asked unprompted as I explained above. I was always a very happily self-contained little person. I didn't need to be entertained. I would have been a very content single child. I think she has exaggerated my requests to add justification for her dirty little deed. She was the one who wanted a new baby. Not me. Not my dad. It was her idea. Besides that, who depends on the advice of a two year old to decide whether or not another baby should be brought into the family?? How ridiculous she looks when I realize she was using a two year old's "desire" to justify what she did. She doesn't see this ridiculous aspect of her story; she only sees justification for what she unilaterally decided was going to happen.
- A forced obedience is no obedience at all, but rather it is slavery.
- A manipulated obedience is no obedience at all, but deception.
- A purchased obedience is no obedience at all, but bribery.
- An obedience rendered in fear of adverse consequences is no obedience at all, but self-preservation.
I was a child with a sensitive nature which could be easily shaped by fear, manipulation and deception. I was a child who deeply desired to please which made me rich fodder for a narcissist mother. Mid way through my teens I started to rebel, but I did it mostly under the radar, sneakily, and in a self-destructive way. Understandable, but not virtuous. I didn't lash out on others. I saved the lashes for myself. I actually admire my sister's early recognition of some of my mother's attempts at mind control. She caught on much sooner than I did that our mother falsely ascribed motives onto us and judged us thereby. I was more prone to brainwashing because I just didn't get it. I trusted my mother to know me better than I knew myself because she impressed this on me very early on. On the other hand, my sister's ways of coping were to take my mother's tools and use them against her and others. She made a decision at an early stage that the ends justifies the means. My admiration doesn't include how my sister chose to cope. She was much more sheltered from my mother's cruel ways at an early age. She was sheltered because my mother indulged her and because I was a shield to certain realities being impressed onto my sister when she was the most impressionable. Not that I was a willing shield. It was because I was the oldest that my mother held me accountable, not just for my behavior, but for my sister's behavior. I think my sister's early years of not being oppressed by my mother is what enabled her to get a "leg up" on the mind control techniques when my mother finally got around to trying to use them on her. I am sure that when Mom decided it was time to start reining in my sister with some good old fashioned mind control that it was a real jolt to my sister. It would have felt foreign. Whereas, for me, those methods had been employed from before I could have any memories of when they began. We tend to accept as normal what has "always been".