Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On a Tear: More Comments on Evil Mothers

From "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers":

She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime.

At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist:

An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation to achieve a result.

The word most often is applied in a political sense, but how is what the narcissist mother does to her children not the acts of a terrorist? "Violence, terror and intimidation". Heaping servings are dished out to the offspring of a narcissist mother. Daily fare. Routine.

To mention the routine-ness of the terrorizing is not in any way to diminish its horrid effects. It simply serves to underline what the grown children of a narcissist parent has survived. It is no small thing to survive the parenting, aka terrorizing, of the malignant narcissist. It is an achievement. A triumph of the human spirit.

Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared.

Here is described the demand of the narcissist mother that you assume a total submissive posture toward her at all times. "You might be spared." There is no way to be completely safe from the rage of the narcissist.

Sam Vaknin describes the two postures you can take in dealing with a narcissist. The submissive posture and conflictive one. When he concludes his comments on what the submissive posture will require from you, he says this:

It is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser's next meal.

Again, I only quote Vaknin when I know from my personal experience and observation that he is correctly describing something. This is one of those times. If you proceed to read his comments on the "conflictive posture" of dealing with a narcissist you come out at the end realizing that he is telling you something very important. Whether you submit or resist, living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it. They are irredeemable, intractable, predatory. No matter your approach, the narcissist will manage to get some blows in.

What I find very interesting whenever I have read Vaknin prescribing going no contact he issues the strictest of orders. He is being helpful on this account as well. There is no way to allow even the slightest bit of contact with a malignant narcissist and have "no contact" remain in place. The lack of contact must be absolute and unappealable.

Back to the reality that narcissist mothers terrorize their own children. On what planet should such a mother be applauded, 'honored', bequeathed with gifts? Can we see that to do so is to dishonor good mothers? What is the point of honoring a good mother when evil mothers are accorded the same accolades? Can anyone else see how this makes Mother's Day into a mockery?? Is there ever any safe contact with a terrorist, even on this High Holy Day of Mothers? Highly doubtful.

I realize that some of my readers had a narcissist father instead of a mother. I think you can see how much of what applies to the N mom also applies to the N dad. I didn't have a N dad therefore I speak about N moms. On occasion, as I read from message boards online I see there is a general ignorance of even the existence of narcissist mothers. So I make no apology of putting extra emphasis on this type of parent. There is still too little recognition of the reality that there are malignant narcissist mothers out there. N mothers have some very different tactics that they employ against their children. Her game is often much more subtle than the N father. Hence, she often escapes the scrutiny of the general public. Come Mother's Day we who have N mothers are assailed with the multiplicity of expectations that demand we pretend the terrorist mother we have had all our lives is, ultimately, our 'holy' mother deserving of at least some credit.

I am rebelling. Publicly rebelling.

This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit. She donated an egg. Big deal. After that, she assumed my life was hers to consume at will. I was not even granted the right to be a separate human being. I was simply granted status to be an alternate life source to her majesty. My mother has more in common with Elizabeth of Bathory than anyone would care to admit. She simply lacked the power and opportunity to fully express the evil she was capable of. Do I give her credit for that? Does she earn some kind of "good mother" credits because she didn't abuse me more simply because she lacked a way to get away with it? No, not anymore.

I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day. So be it. I do not believe that Hallmark or the government has been given the authority of Heaven to saint a day for mothers. Duh.

I know with all certainty that honoring evil has never been commanded of the Christian. Call me unbiblical if you will...I know the truth of it. I know that my mother is not my Creator. All due honor goes to Him. She, because of her evil actions, gets her duly earned dishonor. I am not dishonoring her. She has dishonored herself. I am simply recognizing that fact. The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity. I have sheltered her from public exposure. You do not know who she is. You may meet her tomorrow, but you'll never know that you have. Therefore, she is not truly exposed here on my blog. I am describing EveryEvilMother. Not an individual. So, in a very real sense, I have protected her. That is the only 'honor' I am left to bequeath to her.

38 comments:

Kelly said...

Describes my mother to a T. I too have noticed very little general knowledge of N-moms.
And I totally agree with you that when we honor an abuser we are only dis-honoring real loving amazing moms out there.
I'm working on trying to think of my mom, as just an egg donor, as a mom myself right now it is sometimes hard when my daughter calls me mommy, as I have such terrible memories tied to that word. I'm hoping that by re-organizing things in my own mind, that my "mother" wasn't really a mother just an egg donor, then and only then maybe I can view motherhood in it's noble wonderful calling that it is.
Kelly

Anna Valerious said...

And I totally agree with you that when we honor an abuser we are only dis-honoring real loving amazing moms out there.

Thanks, Kelly, for showing me that some people do get this fact. It seems terribly obvious, but there is no accounting for people's obtuseness on this point.

It is such a damn shame that Nmothers ruin the loving moniker "mommy". I called my mother that right up to a few years before I cut off all contact with her. The name doesn't have a good connotation for me either. My daughter always chose to call me "mom"...and I was rather glad for that at the time. All the women on my mother's side (an alarming percentage of which were/are narcissists) going back generations insisted on their children calling them mommy. I demanded no such thing from my daughter. Now that my daughter is grown, she will often choose to address cards to "mommy". It is sweet...and I love it. It is something she chooses to call me, which makes it loving and adorable to me. I do think you'll be able to lose the terrible associations you have with the name 'mommy' given time.

So, what IS in a heart? said...

Well, I wouldn't say that you're protecting HER so much as your protecting yourself. Sometimes exposing someone could open a huge can of worms that shouldn't be opened. Plus, you're helping others get out of the mess.

"living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it."

Yup. That's why the common advice is get out while you can.

Anna Valerious said...

You can believe whatever you will, but I am not lying when I say that my motivation is to protect her identity more than my own.

Anonymous said...

Anna, it is incredible how mothers of N's have said no to the "curse" and made a choice not to choose the same fate as our mothers. I think it is sweet that your daughter chooses to call you mommy. My boys always called me mom but, but the youngest (19) will sometimes call me little silly endearing "pet names", and I thank God every day that my kids know they're loved too.

Do you suppose these NM's may have gone to greater lengths to abuse, like physically, had they had the opportunity? I used to have bad dreams when I was small that my mother was trying to kill me. My childish fears were just that, but you can't not entertain the idea, especially when she used to come into my bedroom, sit herself by my bed and stare at me until I woke up out of a deep sleep. She would then start on a hypochondria rant and persistently ask me if I had a sore throat, etc, anything related to health....I'll never figure her out as to why she would wake her daughter up and instill seeds of fear into her.....she would constantly remind us of kids with leukemia and I knew that she was trying to scare me into believing I had many illnesses. So, there it goes.

Again, I can't understand how we overcame these things and broke the generational curse. It was our "choice" not some brain chemical that we inherited. Anyway, God bless.

Anonymous said...

"She will get you." It took me a long time to recognize that her "getting me" was strategically delayed so as to be divorced (seemingly) from the offense. This contributes to the victim's confusion and sense that he/she can never be or do anything right. Retaliation is attached to an unrelated comment or behavior by the child of the N. That is, the feeling of being wrong, worthless, etc. is mainly due to the absence of affirmation, validation, plus scorn and disparagement, but I think the "getting back" significantly after the original "offense" also confuses reality for the child.

Anna Valerious said...

Excellent points all. Especially about the detached nature of the retaliation. I completely agree with you that this is intentionally done to hide the agenda of the N, i.e. the agenda of revenge without accountability. Thanks for the very good insights.

Katherine Gunn said...

Ann~

"I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day."

Hmm... forget Mother's Day . . . there are not-so-well-intentioned folks who believe I'm am the anti-thesis of a good Christian for wanting to cut my mom off... then there are the well-intentioned on top of that. Sometimes makes me want to just go hide for a while. ;-)

Anonymous April 23, 2008 2:16:00 PM~

Yeah. The first nightmare I remember having, I was 3 years old and my mom was mad at me - came in while I was watching TV and yelled about the TV then picked me up and held me... and had 'the look' on her face. I knew I was in trouble, but I didn't know why. I was terrified of her. Hmm... interesting dream for a 3 year old...

But the well-intentioned would say, well, she didn't mean to scare you. Yeah, right.

So, what IS in a heart? said...

"You can believe whatever you will, but I am not lying when I say that my motivation is to protect her identity more than my own."

Oh, I wasn't accusing you of lying. It's just when I see something like this, I do tend to think that it's more like self-protection. If I'm wrong, well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Naive No Longer said...

"The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity."

I, too, at first assumed that you were protecting her identity to protect yourself from the ramifications of her being aware of what you were doing and saying about her.

Then I wondered why you wanted to or felt the need to protect her identity?

Now, I think that you are just a decent person which of course sets you apart from "them", who would in no way show us the same courtesy.

I say we save our Mother's Day gifts for Sherbie!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Anna, It took real courage for you to express your views about Mother's Day, and that is exactly the point, we MUST NOT allow Evil Mothers, whoever they may be, to have their day. I feel your pain, and at the same time, I feel a sense of release for you as you continue in your positive attitude to purge EvilMothers, especially. since Mothers are intended by God to love, protect and nurture. Any mother who does not, are JustEvil! No excuse, no matter what the home environment may be. In fact mothers who HAVE experienced narcissistic treatment, are the BEST equipped to PROTECT their children from similar abuse. Instead, and sadly, they perpetuate the abuse.

The only closure one will get is with their demise. Sad, but true. Unless they left behind narcissist children to continue their reign on existing relatives. Predators. That is exactly what they really are. Ugly predators who feed on greed, envy, chaos and phantom dreams of grandeur and achievements, which they have none of.

GoodMothers, protect your children from these EvilMothers. Put as much distance as you can between you and these 'human venom' cloacked in falsehood, lies, deceit and envy.

Bottomline: Expose them or they thrive and multiply like vermins!

Good work Anna. Thank you for your brilliant honesty, courage and clarity of thought and actions!

Grateful.

Anna Valerious said...

NNL,

I freely admit I have reveled in the fact that I managed to move to an entirely new state without my parents or sister knowing it. It has nothing to do with being afraid of them. I have sent a gigantic, emblazoned message to them by doing this. A message they can understand--I want nothing to do with them.

Since my cousin and her family moved along with us we gave up a little of our incognito status because my cousin and uncle were in contact with a great aunt who lived in the same town as my parents. It is highly likely that my parents now know the state and town I live in. I don't care one whit. That is because the message was sent. "Leave me the frak alone."

As for not wanting my mother, father, or sister to see what I've written about them here...well, that just isn't where my head is at. I would frankly love it if they stumbled on my site and recognized themselves. I have fantasized about that happening. I was even severely tempted (thanks to my daughter and cousin) to tip off my sister so she could find my blog. So, no, my anonymity is not about me being afraid. I'm not afraid of these freaks. I would actually like for them to see what I think of them. I would like them to see themselves being held to account for their behaviors. My anonymity has never been about hiding what I'm saying from them.

There is no dishonor in being anonymous, therefore I am not having to protect some 'image' of me by asserting that I'm doing it to save face for my parents. I'm simply describing my conscience on the matter. And I'm not dogmatic on this point, either. I know there are plenty of people out there who do not protect the identity of their evil parents...I have no problem with that. This really is just me dealing with my conscience. I can't find a way to justify exposing them. If others don't see it that way, I am more than cool with that. I don't feel better than them in any way, shape or form. In fact, I can see good reasons why people would "out" their evil parents. Each person's circumstance is different. Their conscience is totally their business...as mine is mine.

Now that I'm thinking about it again...I'm going to go off and pretend for a few minutes that my mom or sister just found my blog. One of the aspects of this little fantasy scenario that I especially enjoy is picturing them recognizing themselves and then being so outraged at what I've said they feel compelled to contradict me and then, like the dumbasses they are, totally 'out' themselves and strip away the anonymity I created for them. It is such a likely possibility that it makes me grin every time I imagine it.

Anonymous said...

Anna, if your parents and sister ever did discover this site and see themselves, this would be a first in internet history (kind of like reality tv, where family members would hash it out publicly and anonymously with each other on sites like this. You never know, that could start the beginning of a trend in the future. Just my thought for the day.

Anonymous said...

You might as well go down fighting. That's my motto.

Naive No Longer said...

"Now that I'm thinking about it again...I'm going to go off and pretend for a few minutes that my mom or sister just found my blog. One of the aspects of this little fantasy scenario that I especially enjoy is picturing them recognizing themselves and then being so outraged at what I've said they feel compelled to contradict me and then, like the dumbasses they are, totally 'out' themselves and strip away the anonymity I created for them. It is such a likely possibility that it makes me grin every time I imagine it."

You crack me right up!!! You know ...the final curtain has not yet fallen... we might all yet be able to laugh and laugh and laugh til our bellies hurt. Like just "reading" about your little scenario made me do!

Touche!

krl said...

Thanks for the emphases provided in this post, Anna. You have helped me so very much....all of you!

Though I haven't had contact with Nmom for about 6 months, I DO hear about her through my good sister...(who, by the way, believes me about her, but it not affected the same way....so can remain in contact with her. She has FORBIDDEN Nmom to mention my name....and hangs up on her if she does. O Yay!). Oh yeah....Ok..interesting development about Nmom: She now is obsessed with MotherMary! Please don't think that what I am about to say is any slam against Catholicism or the Virgin Mary. This has to do with how Nmom is using the subject. First of all, we were raised staunch Lutherans...and any of you who were raised in that denomination during the 50s and 60s know how 'rigid' the Ls were about anthing that smacked of Catholicism! Now, suddenly, Nmom has taken to identifying with MotherMary.....complete with her 'suffering and sacrifice'....not to mention her 'purity'. Beads and all! Wow. Again, please do NOT think I am antiCatholic....nor putting down the Virgin Mary. My point is how nutso Nmom is. How she can even THINK of identifying with this is beyond me! My sis says she is so far over the top now it is unbelievable.

Anyway, how's THAT for Nmom claiming her place in the Kingdom of Mother's? Poof. If it wasn't so shocking I'd be laughing.

Anna Valerious said...

Anyway, how's THAT for Nmom claiming her place in the Kingdom of Mother's? Poof.

Very impressive. I totally understand how unbelievable of a transformation this is since I'm well versed in the history of the Protestant Reformation...and the center of that reformation was Luther, the father of the Lutheran church.

I just shake my head. Narcissists never take their religion seriously. They only pretend to as long as it serves them to do so. Your mother is doing a fine job illustrating that fact.

Anonymous said...

Anna I'm a bit shocked that some people don't get your point about how it is both honorable and righteous to ignore our nmomsters on mother's day. It is bloody obvious to me!

I'm not even sure when mother's day is this year, nor do I care (I don't have children of my own).

I've ignored my nmomster on numereous mother's days this one won't be any different. However, a thought just occured to me, maybe I will do something special for myself, as a "reward" of sorts for having survived and removed myself from her evil machinations.

Keep up the good work! Your posts are always inspiring and validating for me.

Peggy

Jordie said...

I like Peggy's suggestion about doing something nice for ourselves because we survived. Gloria Gaynor move over...

My son gave me the bestest Mother's day card a few years ago... it read..

"I have loved you all my life, and if I could grow to 20, I would love you even more".

He was 12 when he wrote this, he is a strapping 15 yr old now, as tall as me, and full of muscles, yet as soft as a bag full of jellyfish. I musta done something right!!!!!

PS. I understand what Anna means about Narcissists not taking their religion seriously, however, having spent 15 years under the spell of a psychotic malignant narcissistic religious maniac cult leader, I can say with much energy that sometimes the opposite can be true. This man also has had alleged visits from Jesus with whom he has had conversations and instructions for the cult. I am pretty sure he wasn't pretending.

Unless he was... I suppose its entirely possible that the whole thing has been made up from start to finish, and this is just his way of getting what he needs in life. He doesn't have a trade, he just does religion.

It makes the destruction he has caused all the more repulsive. All just for his own enjoyment? What a @#$%**!

Anonymous said...

How true! Hello Everyone! I've been reading this blog for about 2 weeks now but it's my first time posting here. I was in a relationship with an N (man) for 6 yrs and we were married for one year. His mother is an N too. Recently, she sent me a letter asking for all the wedding gifts back and all the jewelery I had gotten from her and her relatives back. It's a nasty letter where she has threatened to scar my reputation forever by spreading awful stories about me. My divorce was finalized about 6 months back and my ex-N husband re-married within these 6 months of our divorce. My ex Mom-in-law is a big bully.

Your input will be appreciated on this matter.

Anna Valerious said...

anonymous @ 6:24 a.m.

Talk to a lawyer. Maybe even the lawyer you used for the divorce. Ask if your inlaws are entitled to get the things back they are asking for. Don't talk to, email, or otherwise respond to your MIL until you have your answer from a lawyer. Whatever the answer is, HAVE THE LAWYER DO THE COMMUNICATION. If there is no legal reason for you to return what they demand, have the lawyer write that letter. If they are entitled to getting their shit back (which I highly doubt), then again, have the LAWYER do the communication and the transfer of the assets. Absolutely refuse all contact with these people or you will PAY, PAY, PAY.

Anna Valerious said...

I understand what Anna means about Narcissists not taking their religion seriously, however, having spent 15 years under the spell of a psychotic malignant narcissistic religious maniac cult leader, I can say with much energy that sometimes the opposite can be true.

I didn't mean that they don't ever LOOK like they take their religion seriously. Oh my gosh, no. Obviously, some of the most so-called 'pious' Ns out there put on a great show of religiosity...and are capable of playing that act for years on end. My point is, they do what serves them best. If they get supply from being, let's say, a Catholic, then they will be gung-ho Catholic. Circumstances shift enough and "conversions" can happen in a blink of an eye. Again, such a "conversion" is 1) evidence that their religion of choice has nothing to do with conviction of heart 2) they decided they had more supply to gain by switching.

Of course, not all Ns are going to switch religions on a dime. There isn't usually a net gain in such a silly maneuver, but KRL's Nmother found a reason and is a fine illustration of how shallow the religion of a N is. Because, ultimately, they worship themselves. No other god can compete with the Ngod.

Anonymous said...

Dear Valiant Anna,
Would you consider undertaking an exposition on N mothers who interfere with their children's marital or romantic relationships? Not sure whether you have personal experience with this feature, but I would be interested to read what you might have to say . . .and also interested in the experiences of others along on the topic.

Thanks, Kate

Anonymous said...

Dear Anna,

Thank you for the advice. I just faxed the letter to my lawyer and he thinks we can probably get a restraining order since my ex-Mother-in-law has openly threatened me.

May I also add on what wonderful work you are doing here. It has helped me put a lot of pieces together.

Thank you!

-Nancy

Naive No Longer said...

Jordie, you said:

"This man also has had alleged visits from Jesus with whom he has had conversations and instructions for the cult. I am pretty sure he wasn't pretending."

You know that the devil can appear as an angel of light. In other words, he probably DID have some sort of visitation . . . only it wasn't Jesus (even if it did deceive him that it was).

kyleth said...

I think about how my mother acts a lot of the time when she feels she doesn't need us, and I believe she doesn't deserve any celebration at all. Real mothers don't pick up their children when there's no better source of supply and drop them when there is.

krl said...

Good morning....and Happy Mother's Day to all of you GoodMothers out there! I know I'm just tacking this on to an older post....but I just wanted to say it...and to add a few things I was thinking and remembering this morning.

When I was younger, I must have raised a careful 'complaint' or two to my Nmom...(and believe me, it would have been carefully 'couched' so as not to incur her wrath...most likely regarding some small expectation of her) I DO remember the gist of what she would fire back: "Look, if you think I am so bad, you don't know how lucky you are not to have a mom who smokes or drinks and plays bridge with the neighbors all the time. There's moms like that out there, you know!" I got to thinking about that this morning after feeling a little 'bad' about not calling her or sending her a card or acknowledging Mother's Day today. And you know what? Just remembering that made me realize THAT was all she thought 'being a good mother' was! I (underscore that!) was 'the mom' in our family. I was the one who cared about the meals and the chores and my little sister and making things run more smoothly. I was the one who got up early and made school lunches and breakfast and dinner etc. Get my drift? All to serve the 'image' of my thankless, smokeless, drinkless, bridgeless Nmom sitting so nice and 'proper' on the goddamm couch. Jabba the Hut, or what?

Sorry....just wanted to get that off my chest so I can enjoy Mother's Day.....and looking forward to calling my daughter on her first Mother's Day this year. I'll be working....but it feels GOOD.

Thanks for the vent.

Anna Valerious said...

My hearty congratulations on your freedom from worshiping 'Jabba the Hut' on the High Holy Day of Narcissist Mothers. How wonderful that you get to wish a Happy Mother's Day to your daughter for the first time this year. What a blessing! I also want to join your refrain of wishing all the GoodMothers out there a very happy day.

Anonymous said...

All I give my mother motherly credit for is feeding me taking me to lessons and on rare occasions giving me good advice.

As for paying respects I understand you not giving them. For me a simple handmade card that tells the truth about the good things she has done and that is that. Something like saying thank you for feeding me all those years.

The word mother makes me cringe to. If I ever have kids I feel tempted into asking them just to call me by my first name.

I just give my mother credit for not leaving me on the street. The worst thing she has ever done to me is threaten to leave. To say "if you hate me so much why don't you find another mother" That hurts. I do feel guilty for replying sometimes "Well if you hate me so much why don't you find another kid!"

nanette rayman rivera said...

I have "outed" my mother and her evil henchmen and lapdogs, my brothers on my blog. I think that is a good start to payback. I also called and left a message on her answering machine: You are 79. You will die soon, and before you die, I want to let you know that you are scum. Within an hour my brother, who at 49, still lives with her called all night and called me names and i just nonchalantly called him names. It infuriated him that he couldn't and she couldn't "get" to me. Then my husband got on the phone and said: "You got a problem?" They never called back.

Someone who stood up for herself said...

Anna, my mother is a Christian by name, but if only she knew anything about love or compassion. She is the most vicious person I know; a sadist who would gloat when my father used to beat the daylights out of me. Not only is she not a Christian - she is not even human. She is the personification of evil. One time, after a particularly brutal beating, she came into the room and began moaning about how she had to clean up my 'mess' (my blood was spattered all over the walls) and she was furious over my bloodied pajamas, as if it were my fault! This is the warped and sick thinking of a narcissist mother. I cannot forget the deep misery I felt that day, sitting there with my nose broken and my eyes and lips rapidly swelling, while she stood triumphant over me while railing about all the blood everywhere. She is evil, evil, evil. I cannot believe that anyone with a heart or conscience could even fathom treating someone that way, let alone their own child.

Anna Valerious said...

I cannot believe that anyone with a heart or conscience could even fathom treating someone that way, let alone their own child.

You're right. No person with either a heart or conscience could be so heartless to her own child. Your story is sickening. The level of brutality that you endured was immense, and it would appear you're lucky to even be alive. Your mother is every bit as culpable for the abuse you received from your father as he is. She did nothing to stop it. Worse than that, she obviously approved of it. Vile, monstrous, heinous. I hope you are forever no contact with both of them.

Someone who stood up for herself said...

Yes, Anna, I am lucky to be alive. My father is a violent psychopath, and my mother was his accomplice and a torturer in her own right. That incident I shared - my mother relished it. She even made me feel guilty that the bloodied pajamas had to be discarded; not only did I create a mess, but I was wasting money, too. I suffered so many physical injuries, but that evil banshee actually wanted me to worry about the mess on the floor and the walls, as well as the pajamas in the rubbish. The torture did not end there. I missed school for two weeks, and my mother, the evil queen only allowed me to return once she felt my bruises were not visible enough to cause suspicion. That was all she cared about. I was torn between wanting to hide from people and also failing my exams. When I did return to school, people did ask what happened to my face. I spent many days at school hiding in the toilets or avoiding people. I have had no contact for around three years now, and it is still a struggle. I have nightmares and panic attacks, and as for my sister - well she has been tormenting me a lot lately. It has been helping me immensely to read what you write about your own sister, and how insidious and wicked they are when playing 'peacemakers'. I'm drawing a lot of strength from your experience in dealing with them, and the words you use could have been the ones simmering in my heart and mind but I could not articulate as well as you have. God bless you, Anna. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. You are right; only an 'ACON' can comprehend the profound evil that a narcissist is capable of and just how much they *enjoy* and revel in your suffering.

Anna Valerious said...

I find the idea of you being emotionally forced into contact with your evil parents by your sister to be totally reprehensible. I'm hoping that in reading my descriptions of my relationship with my sister that it'll lead you to the same outcome: no contact. My sister was determined to be the conduit whereby my parents could still touch my life though she pretended she would never do that. I'm so glad to been able to slice away that last strand of connection! Although my going no contact with my sister wasn't directly related to her trying to keep me in contact with my parents....if it hadn't come about the way it did she would have forced me at some point to cut her off to save myself from her 'peacemaking' efforts. I'm absolutely sure of that.

Anyone who uses tactics of emotional manipulation to try to force a victim of evil to again consent to get within the grasp of evil is them self EVIL. The only reason you aren't dead at the hands of your parents is either the grace of God or their fear of the law, likely both. For anyone to try to get you to "make peace" with such monsters is beyond insanity. Your sister is tainted. She is muddled up in her morality because she is a twisted byproduct of your parents' bent morality. She is a danger to your emotional AND physical health. I hope with all the fervency of my fervent nature that you can free yourself of anyone who would try to get you to "make peace" with demons. Even if it is your sister.

Anonymous said...

It's really tough at Mother's Day to find a card that does not have love and appreciation and blah blah blah in them, when you don't really even feel that way about them, nor did they give you what they moan on about in those cards...sad. I try to find the driest one that can be found and sometimes that is hard...also just to be feasicious (sp?) I write Love Always....(yeah right!)
Alyx

Lane_in_PA said...

Alyx, I found a generic Mother's Day card on the bottom shelf at Target. But I also found something else: The Wisdom not to spend my precious time trying to find a card that isn't covered with flowers and sugar-coated words. Mother's Day is just something Corporate America devised to make us part with our money. It's easier if they can make us feel guilty. If you feel the need to send her a card, make the card yourself. Art Therapy.

Coming up is my mother's birthday in August. I think I will find one of those Over The Hill cards. Mother's 84 but she still thinks men are attracted to her (like my husband, which is really sick). Before I broke off contact, she was always asking him to hug her, always commenting on how good looking he is. Me? I was just chopped liver, ya know? Our visits were always about what he needed, his comforts being met -- it really creeped him out how much she fussed over him. And I may as well have stayed in the car, she wasn't at all interested in seeing me, unless she had the chance to criticize me.

KillerAngel47 said...

Narcissists are so evil, aren't they? :-( If I have kids, I will NEVER treat them like mere extensions of myself. I will treat them like the individual human beings they are and will give them the respect/love they deserve. I made that decision a LLLLOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGG time ago, while I was still a small child! :-)

PS

"This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit"

I totally agree! XD


From a new reader!

CyberCyd said...

I'm almost in tears...This is the first site I've found that makes any amount of sense after years of researching articles and endless blogs online regarding abusive behavior. I'm overwhelmed and horrified by some of the posts here but sad to say, not surprised. I don't know where to start, so I suppose I'll say "hello" and you can call me Shari. At this moment I would just like to tell you all that I'm a survivor of an extremely abusive parent (mom). It takes hard work and practice to overcome the depression and keep living and believe me, I work at it constantly. You'll understand when I post here again soon...As for now, I'm thankful I found this site and I don't feel so alone and alienated anymore. I'll be back soon with my story and all of you "posts" will be part of my prayers from now on; precious brothers and sisters...