From "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers":
She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.
This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime.
At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist:
An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation to achieve a result.
The word most often is applied in a political sense, but how is what the narcissist mother does to her children not the acts of a terrorist? "Violence, terror and intimidation". Heaping servings are dished out to the offspring of a narcissist mother. Daily fare. Routine.
To mention the routine-ness of the terrorizing is not in any way to diminish its horrid effects. It simply serves to underline what the grown children of a narcissist parent has survived. It is no small thing to survive the parenting, aka terrorizing, of the malignant narcissist. It is an achievement. A triumph of the human spirit.
Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared.
Here is described the demand of the narcissist mother that you assume a total submissive posture toward her at all times. "You might be spared." There is no way to be completely safe from the rage of the narcissist.
Sam Vaknin describes the two postures you can take in dealing with a narcissist. The submissive posture and conflictive one. When he concludes his comments on what the submissive posture will require from you, he says this:
It is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser's next meal.
Again, I only quote Vaknin when I know from my personal experience and observation that he is correctly describing something. This is one of those times. If you proceed to read his comments on the "conflictive posture" of dealing with a narcissist you come out at the end realizing that he is telling you something very important. Whether you submit or resist, living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it. They are irredeemable, intractable, predatory. No matter your approach, the narcissist will manage to get some blows in.
What I find very interesting whenever I have read Vaknin prescribing going no contact he issues the strictest of orders. He is being helpful on this account as well. There is no way to allow even the slightest bit of contact with a malignant narcissist and have "no contact" remain in place. The lack of contact must be absolute and unappealable.
Back to the reality that narcissist mothers terrorize their own children. On what planet should such a mother be applauded, 'honored', bequeathed with gifts? Can we see that to do so is to dishonor good mothers? What is the point of honoring a good mother when evil mothers are accorded the same accolades? Can anyone else see how this makes Mother's Day into a mockery?? Is there ever any safe contact with a terrorist, even on this High Holy Day of Mothers? Highly doubtful.
I realize that some of my readers had a narcissist father instead of a mother. I think you can see how much of what applies to the N mom also applies to the N dad. I didn't have a N dad therefore I speak about N moms. On occasion, as I read from message boards online I see there is a general ignorance of even the existence of narcissist mothers. So I make no apology of putting extra emphasis on this type of parent. There is still too little recognition of the reality that there are malignant narcissist mothers out there. N mothers have some very different tactics that they employ against their children. Her game is often much more subtle than the N father. Hence, she often escapes the scrutiny of the general public. Come Mother's Day we who have N mothers are assailed with the multiplicity of expectations that demand we pretend the terrorist mother we have had all our lives is, ultimately, our 'holy' mother deserving of at least some credit.
I am rebelling. Publicly rebelling.
This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit. She donated an egg. Big deal. After that, she assumed my life was hers to consume at will. I was not even granted the right to be a separate human being. I was simply granted status to be an alternate life source to her majesty. My mother has more in common with Elizabeth of Bathory than anyone would care to admit. She simply lacked the power and opportunity to fully express the evil she was capable of. Do I give her credit for that? Does she earn some kind of "good mother" credits because she didn't abuse me more simply because she lacked a way to get away with it? No, not anymore.
I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day. So be it. I do not believe that Hallmark or the government has been given the authority of Heaven to saint a day for mothers. Duh.
I know with all certainty that honoring evil has never been commanded of the Christian. Call me unbiblical if you will...I know the truth of it. I know that my mother is not my Creator. All due honor goes to Him. She, because of her evil actions, gets her duly earned dishonor. I am not dishonoring her. She has dishonored herself. I am simply recognizing that fact. The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity. I have sheltered her from public exposure. You do not know who she is. You may meet her tomorrow, but you'll never know that you have. Therefore, she is not truly exposed here on my blog. I am describing EveryEvilMother. Not an individual. So, in a very real sense, I have protected her. That is the only 'honor' I am left to bequeath to her.