Your Memory -- Use it

The article I referenced in two earlier posts, "Narcissism and the Dynamics of Evil", is a treasure trove of observation, insight and profound wisdom. I suspect I'll be spotlighting various points in this article from time to time because many of the author's points should be emphasized to maximize their impact.

The article makes an important observation and recommendation that I think we would all do well to digest and absorb especially since it goes directly against what our narcissists have worked hard to train and prevent us from doing. Underlining and emphasis mine:

Man is a person, from the Latin persona (through sound). He longs to express himself, to communicate himself to others, whether depraved or not. Just as those who contemplate the marvelous or the beautiful cannot hold themselves but will cry out in praise of what they behold, so too the depraved cannot help but on occasion burst out and spit their bile, thus providing others a momentary glimpse of their interior rot. Moments such as these are clues that must be stored in the memory and, like disparate pieces of a puzzle, assembled later in order to acquire a more complete picture, which will be a horror to behold, or an experience of terror -- if the narcissist discovers that he has been found out by you. The clues, in isolation, will suggest only minor imperfections or character flaws. But taken together over a number of years, they suggest something much more ominous. The inconsistencies evident in the behaviour of the narcissist -- prior to his discovery -- should never be simply accepted, only to be forgotten. Rather, one must ponder the inconsistencies in behaviour until they become consistent, that is, until the apparently inconsistent behaviour acquires an intelligible narrative that rings true.

This is truth profoundly well-stated. Notice, first of all, you likely won't perceive the narcissist quickly. The author is describing a rather elongated process ("a number of years") not a snap impression. This may seem discouraging if you're looking for a quick way to read someone so you can avoid a blood-sucking narcissist. There are signs you can look for so as to spot one more quickly, but I'm not addressing that in this particular post. Many of us who have been entangled with a narcissist have been in that entanglement for years already. Especially when we are talking about an adult child of a narcissist or a marriage. Years have become decades. So this quote above is especially relevant if you've had a long contact with the evil narcissist.

The one thing which is a clear and present threat to the narcissist's reality revisionism is your memory. I am sure you can think back right now and immediately recall how the narcissist has tried to subvert, change, re-invent, disparage, lie and deny your memory of every one of those moments when his true colors were displayed. Those moments when his "interior rot" was exposed. The narcissist is supremely agitated when you dare to voice your recall of events which reflect badly on him. Accusations are hurled at you about how you are "unwilling to let go of the past", you're "unforgiving", cruel and mean-spirited. The hypocrisy of these accusations we'll overlook for now as there is nothing like a narcissist for loving to rehearse your past ad nauseum when it suits him. What we are focusing on right now is how the narcissist is always actively working to prevent you from forming "an intelligible narrative" of who she is by her campaign to discredit and invalidate your memories of her bad acts. The very thing you need to do the narcissist is desperately working to prevent you from doing.

"The inconsistencies evident in the behaviour of the narcissist -- prior to his discovery -- should never be simply accepted, only to be forgotten. Rather, one must ponder the inconsistencies in behaviour until they become consistent, that is, until the apparently inconsistent behaviour acquires an intelligible narrative that rings true."

What this requires is that you pay attention to those behaviors which seem inconsistent and which strike you as being wrong or "off". Early on in a relationship you may just accept these as anomalies, but do not forget. I am not suggesting you take an unforgiving and harsh attitude in your relationships. I'm simply saying pay attention to those moments when your inner radar is alerted and don't just dismiss your impressions and observations and flush your memory banks. Your memory is essential in the long term if you are going to make sense of what may not make sense at the time it is happening. If what you've seen or experienced is truly an inconsistent moment the passage of time will testify to that. Over time, though, inconsistencies may very well become consistent in what they reveal. You must be willing to use your memory and re-form the narrative of your relationship with this person when you have enough evidence on hand to do so. Do not let another person have the power to force you to revise your memories to suit them.

If you've already had a long term relationship with someone you suspect is a disordered character of some sort then now is a good time to start searching the vaults of your memory and reassembling the pieces of the picture into something that makes sense. Do not cave to the demands of this person to "stop delving into the past". Don't be intimidated by their assertions of what a mean person you are being because you are daring to use your memory. As the oft-quoted proverb of George Santayana goes, "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." There is little hope you will escape the grasp of a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath if you are unwilling to follow the simple advice of Santayana. By the way, it is not an unloving or un-Christian thing to use your memory and form a correct explanation for your relationship with someone. God gave you a memory...use it.

Once again, your best defense against the malignant narcissist is to think. You're going to have to use your memory and your judgment if you're going to minimize the damage these individuals inflict on your life and those around you. Notice I said your memory and your judgment. Narcissists are diligent in their efforts to have you substitute yours for theirs. When you allow that to happen you render yourself defenseless against them. The tools of self-defense against these people are in your possession. It is up to you whether or not you use them. Narcissists know your memory and your judgment are your best defense against them which is why they work so hard to disarm you of them.

Can You Love the Narcissist?

Do you love the narcissist? Or are you in love with your fantasy of what you wish the narcissist to be? How can you tell whether you love the person or the fantasy?

The following applies not only to romantic relationships; it applies across the board of all relationships including parent/child.

You can not truly love someone until they have revealed their characters to you. Why is this so? Because who we are is revealed by what we choose to do. Our characters are the sum total of the choices we've made.

Until you know someone's character you can not say in truth that you know or love who they are. This explains why so many marriages fall apart. People fall in love with their imagined version of the other person and don't become acquainted with that other person's character until enough time has passed for the consistency of their characters to be revealed. This is why short dating periods are often disastrous in the long-term.

We each have a will. How we exercise our will = the choices we make. The choices we make = our behaviors. The consistent behaviors a person exhibits is the truth of who they are. Behaviors are the revelation of character. Behaviors reveal what has been happening in the unseen realm of someone's thinking. When a person, like Cho of the Virginia Tech massacre, suddenly went on a murderous rampage, he was not acting out of character. He revealed what his character truly was. We have a sudden, horrific and stark revelation of what his thinking and small choices have added up to. What Cho did is who he is. Cho forced us all to see what an evil character had been developing quietly step by step and choice by choice while no one was really looking. We often hear people protest after being caught in some bad behavior that "it isn't like me to do this". No, it is like you. You chose to do what you did. You revealed who you are, not who you aren't, when you cheated on your husband or when you cooked the books at work.

If, after having a clear view of someone's personal character traits, you have respect, admiration and trust in that person then you can correctly state that you love this person.

Then there is the situation where you have gotten to know the personal characteristics of an individual, and you find that you can not say you love those characteristics. Yet you insist that you still love the person. Never mind that this person lies to you, cheats on you, slanders you to others, even physically abuses you...you tenaciously insist you hate their character traits but you love the person. It is this so-called "love" which justifies why you are still in this bad relationship. Whatever the reason for it (there can be many), this is describing someone who has created a fantasy around the objectionable character. They are not in love with the person...they are in love with the idea of who they've decided this person is in spite of the evidence to the contrary. This is not reality-based thinking. To insist a person is "good" despite what bad things they actually do is an exercise in your imagination only.

Perhaps you insist that you love what this person could be if they only tried. This, too, is a refusal to live in reality. Can we please dispense with this sloppy thinking? Can we stop trying to fool ourselves in order to justify staying in a destructive relationship? Can we call things by their right names? Go ahead and insist that you love the rotten character, but quit doing it to make yourself believe you are a better person for doing so. Stop white-washing their character in order to convince yourself you need to stay connected to them. If you are afraid of leaving the comfort of the known for the discomfort of the unknown world of life without this bad character, then admit that truth to yourself. But stop pretending you love something that is hateful. Remember that a key component of mental health is the mind which insists on living in reality i.e. the truth. You are not doing your mental health any favors by engaging in these mental games which allow you to stay in a bad place. If you don't love what a person does then you can't accurately state that you love the person himself.

This type of imaginary love is a real problem for many adult children of narcissists (ACONs). It can be incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you don't love your narcissist parent or that they don't love you. It seems to go against nature to make that admission. I see many ACONs insisting to themselves that they love their N mom or N dad despite the decades of ill treatment they've received from her or him. The ACON isn't ready to give up the idea of having a loving parent, so the ACON must pretend they love this abusive parent in order to justify staying connected. They are willing to pretend that their mommy or daddy really loves them "deep down" though they don't recognize they are having to imagine the love they "see" coming from their parent. This keeps the ACON in an actively destructive relationship. Many ACONs are willing to risk their marriages and their own children's emotional and physical safety in order to "keep the dream alive". This refusal to admit to reality is damaging to more than your own mental health. You can risk everything good in your life by insisting your fantasy is reality. Your refusal to walk away from a destructive parent is not a testament to your deep and abiding love for this person...it is a testament to your volitional stupidity. Do not call your dependency on a bad relationship "love".

It is okay to love a bad person, but only from a distance. Don't insist your love for a destructive person is justification enough for staying close to them. You risk all that is good and beautiful in life in order to love the unlovable. Maybe you think that means you are a better person because you can love and unlovable, but when your so-called love means the destruction of your own well-being, and the well-being of the innocents around you, then I insist you are not as good as you think you are.

When Good is Bad

This quote is from the site I mentioned in my previous post:

The most dangerous predators among us are ingeniously veiled. They carefully surround themselves with people entirely unlike themselves, that is, with deeply empathic human beings who wish to please others, who are slow to judge, who are excessively tolerant and who have an eye for the good to be found in others. They know how to exploit to their own advantage such character traits. It is their association with such people that maximizes their chances of perpetuating the facade and keeping themselves from exposure. "Narcissism & the Dynamics of Evil"

The underlining is mine. I want to focus your attention for a moment on the kind of good person, good qualities, and good intentions which are used to support and hide "the most dangerous predators". If good is used for the evil purposes of predators then good itself becomes dangerous. We really must make determined efforts to not allow good to be used as a cloak for evil, especially if that good resides in ourselves. We are responsible to others to make sure our good natures and qualities are not used by predators to get within striking distance of their victims.

A group of people who are admire and cultivate the qualities of being "deeply empathic", people pleasers, reluctant to judge, "excessively tolerant" and who choose to see only the good in others, are Christians. You do not have to be a Christian to value and hold these qualities, but as a group Christians tend to value and emphasize and reward these qualities. So I'm talking especially to Christians. I hope the rest of you stay tuned, because I'm still talking to you, too.

There is something fundamentally wrong with our idea of how "good" people should be if we are not discriminating enough to make sure our "good" is not used to facilitate evil. If the "good" qualities we boast of are used as weapons in the hands of a predator then our "good" is actually turned to evil. This is very serious business.

Let's consider for a moment the quality of "slow to judge". It is easy enough to imagine why a predatory narcissist would find these people very expedient to their ends if you pause to think even for a moment on it. The day of inevitable exposure of the narcissist is long postponed, perhaps forever, if the narcissist is able to surround himself with people who will suspend all judgment of the narcissist's behaviors and ascribe non-malevolent motives to the narcissist for his bad acts. When the day of exposure arrives, the narcissist has these ardent supporters who will protest with all the vehemence and conviction of their good souls that the narcissist is misunderstood and hastily misjudged. This makes it difficult for others to maintain their just assertions against the narcissist because the good reputations of the narcissist's supporters are now used to make the accuser look bad by contrast. It can be nearly impossible for a victim of a narcissist to press their claims when so-called good people form a protective ring around the evil-doer and divert the slings and arrows back to the victim. This behavior of the "good" people actually guarantees the narcissist will continue to have access to his or her victim as well as access to new victims in the future. If that isn't evil in itself, I do not know what is. If we do not exercise our frontal lobes, that is, our ability to judge between things, then we guarantee that evil will prosper in our presence.

Let's look again at the list of qualities that the predatory narcissist looks for in those he surrounds himself with:

deeply empathic
people pleasing
slow to judge
excessively tolerant
belief in the basic good of others

When we bestow these graces upon evil people we can safely state that these qualities become evil themselves. These qualities, by themselves, are neither good nor evil.

Chew on that for moment.

What determines whether or not they are good qualities is upon whom and in what circumstances we exercise them. This goes against what most good people believe. They see these qualities as unqualified virtues regardless. It is this kind of thinking the narcissist exploits.

The least virtuous of these qualities, in my opinion, is the extreme reluctance to judge. All the other qualities spring from this one. So I will state here that judging is absolutely necessary if we are going to avoid being used by evil people. The word judgmental has gotten an extremely bad rap over the years. The psychologizing of our society has led to this idea that everyone is basically good and that all forms of guilt are deleterious to individuals. This is because everyone is construed to be some form of victim, therefore they can't help how they behave. Pop psychology has done more to facilitate narcissists than any other modern philosophy. Pop psychology preaches that all the badly behaving person needs is a empathetic ear (i.e. talk therapy). Pop psychology relies on an extreme reluctance to judge any kind of behavior; it preaches that we must all be excessively tolerant of others; and underlying all of its dogma is the fundamental belief in the basic good of humanity. So, as you can see, Christians aren't the only ones prone to over-value (and misapply) the qualities listed above. In fact, Christians used to be a lot better at holding evil doers to account, but pop psychology has infiltrated Christian thought which means Christians and secularists are thinking very much alike on this. "Nice" is now the "virtue" a vast number of people are pursuing and competing to have ascribed to them. "Nice" now equals "good" in the minds of many. "Nice" people think it is not nice to hurt people's feelings. They bend over backwards to never hurt anyone's feelings. This, of course, is impossible to accomplish. Someone is always going to get their feelings hurt. Shouldn't we strive to make sure that if someone's feelings get hurt that it is the predatory ones among us who get clobbered and not their victims?

It is no small thing to let your goodness be exploited, used, and manipulated by predatory narcissists. Your good qualities are only good if they support good. All too often people fall for the notion that their eternal patience and determined belief in the good of all people will cause others to rise to the occasion. The narcissist will never rise to this occasion in the way you hope. They will only see opportunity for protective coloration by standing very close to you and letting your goodness hide their badness.

It is imperative for you, your family, and your social circle that you engage your rational powers and start discerning between good and evil. Discernment = judgment. Not a bad word. I have said before that "nice people suck". In this context, of how "nice" people often let themselves be used by evil people, I am speaking. There is a time for everything. Always being "nice" is a sign that you do not understand there is a time to not be "nice". There is a time to judge. A time to take an unpopular stand. A time to hold evil-doers to account no matter the cost to you. A time to protect the innocent and abused from those who have very successfully hidden their malignancy heretofore. A time for war.

Wisdom recognizes:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Eccl. 3:1-8

"Narcissism and the Dynamics of Evil"

I came across this article two years ago and really appreciated its insights. I will share some excerpts of the article here and hopefully you'll be interested enough to read it in its entirety.

By Doug McManaman:

...evil is parasitic. Its host is always a good. And since evil is a kind of non-being or nothingness, pure evil is impossible. Pure evil would be completely nothing, and nothing is not evil; it simply 'is not'. Evil is a privation that requires a subject in which to inhere...

From a purely moral point of view, this is how the narcissistic character disordered are created. They are self-created, or better yet, self-decreated, and then re-created, although what is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or an image. The greater the opposition between his depravity or moral nothingness (and thus self-loathing) and his egotism (his injustice and his regard for others as mere instruments of his own gratification), the more pathological his narcissism, and thus the more grandiose and fantastic his reflected or false self.

There is much more as the author next goes into describing characteristics of the narcissist. His insights on how evil people cloak their evil so other people don't see it are quite astute.

To the Narcissist "There is No Good and Evil"

"There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it..." Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Those words are coming from the character whose mind is controlled by the evil character Lord Voldemort in the popular children's book referenced above. The above words are the succinct description of the narcissist's rationale. Sorry to cite J.K. Rowling, but she has captured in few words the essence of how evil does away with the whole idea of evil.

I have stated before how narcissists don't see themselves or their deeds as evil. They have constructed a view of reality which enables them to operate as they please while avoiding such sticky labels as "evil".

It is important to understand how evil people skirt the whole issue of evil by reducing every human interaction to power...those who are strong enough to take it and those who are too weak to take it. This philosophy is often called the "law of the jungle" and "might makes right". It is the philosophy of the lawless. The narcissist performs this alchemy of words which transmogrifies his evil deeds into what he sees as a virtue: power. The world tends to admire and fear the powerful. More often than not the world rewards power. It isn't hard to understand why the narcissist wants it and how he justifies it. Not only does the narcissist turn power into a virtue, at the same time you are reduced in value and virtue because you don't seek power (which the narcissist chooses to see as your fear of grasping it). The narcissist is able to admire his evil acts as acts of "virtuous" power and to simultaneously despise you for being weak and a victim. Even if he has turned you into his victim, he hates you for letting him do it to you.

You inspire nothing but the narcissist's loathing and disdain when you are at his mercy. If you are his victim, he triumphs over you and despises you at the same time. The reason for this is captured entirely by the quote at the beginning of this post. His vice is virtue, and your perceived weakness is your vice.

I remember very clearly being overwhelmed, perplexed and despairing as a teen when I experienced my mother's active loathing of me. I don't remember what sequence of events led to it, but around age fifteen found me feeling like a cipher. I would literally cower and cast my eyes downward when my mother would walk by. The more I did this the more I sensed her active hatred of me. The more fearful and self-loathing I became the more frequent her demonstrations of her seething dislike. She made me feel like a leper. I remember trying to figure out what the hell I was doing that was making her hate me more every day. I thought I was giving her what she wanted: a show of my complete subservience and acquiescence to her rule. I didn't earn her approval by my complete psychological caving in to her...all I earned was her curled lip, her hissing comments, her treating me like I was the lowest of the low.

Thankfully, I didn't stay in this dungeon of my self-hatred for more than a year or so. A root of rebellion sprung up in my heart and saved me from being consumed by this evil woman. My point in bringing this up is to try to illustrate how the narcissist's power over you doesn't make them like you...or love you. They hate you all the more because they believe that being powerless and fearful is a vice even while they demand you take the position of being powerless and fearful. Narcissists never play fairly.

You have no hope of gaining the upper hand with these ruthless creatures until you sprout a backbone and stand up to them unequivocally and unapologetically. The language they understand is that of cold, calculating power grabs. I am not saying you should behave in that way. I am only saying you must project power. You can do this when you're willing to take a stand against their slander, their vile deeds, their history revisionism. Don't look weak. Remember, they perceive kindness as weakness. Also, sharing with them how they've hurt you only empowers them. A sure sign of a narcissist is that if you ask them to stop doing something they will do it all the more. So, sharing your hurt feelings with them is like asking them to twist the knife all the way in. Your hurt feelings are only a sign of weakness to the narcissist.

Don't think they'll let you know that they respect your strength should you start showing it. When I, for the first time in my life, stated the truth to my mother about her behavior and stood up to her unapologetically and without outward signs of fear, I was demonstrating a strength that scared the shit out of her. I was showing that I was more than willing to risk her inevitable wrath, and even more than that, that I was willing to risk my father's wrath by demanding her accountability to me for her behaviors. (My father's potential wrath had always been a shield for her.) Her reaction was two-fold. When dealing directly with me she pretended to roll over and expose her underside like a beta member of the pack to the alpha dog. (A ruse I didn't fall for in the least.) Out of my earshot and sight she was playing a different game. She was busily running to those she could count on to believe her version of events and portraying me as a pathetic and weak person acting out of my wounds from childhood. Her line went like this, "I feel so terrible for the things I did to Anna when she was a child. Her letters to me show me that she is still wounded and hurting from the past. How I wish I knew how I could make it up to her." In the eyes of her sympathizers she painted my new-found strength against her as its very opposite. In the upside down world of the narcissist my strength was portrayed as weakness. She had to get others to reflect back to her the false reality that my willingness to take a stand against her and hold her accountable was weakness on my part so she could keep her mirror from cracking. Her actions toward me personally, though, revealed where the truth lay. She was afraid of me and didn't in any way perceive me as being weak. She was only painting me as weak to others in order to look like she was being a concerned mother looking pityingly upon her wayward child. She has an image to maintain with her few remaining sycophants, after all.

Narcissists do not consider themselves human because they see themselves as being above the rest of us. Let's agree with them on this. They are not human. They are inhuman. Save your concern, your pity, your energy, your love for real humans. Do not waste it on the inhuman narcissist predator. When you do, you only feed them and make them stronger while they consume your good name, your history, your future, your whole frakking life. Quit trying to placate the narcissist. Quit assuming that you can kill them with kindness. And, for God's sake, quit trying to win the narcissist's love. They are incapable of love. If you refuse to grasp that fact then you are so screwed. When you do these things you may as well walk under a flashing neon sign that says, "I'm Weak ... Eat Me". You can not deal with narcissists in the same way you deal with a human who has a heart and a conscience. You have to be emotionally, mentally and morally tough and pragmatic if you don't want to be on the narcissist's dinner plate. If they sense weakness, they go for the kill and they'll hate you the more for it.

Remember, for the narcissist there is no good and evil. There is only power. When they bother to think about you, they only despise you because they choose to see you as weak. The narcissist will despise you whether or not you play by their rules, so you may as well define the rules for yourself and carry on without them.