Kathy Krajco: "NPD? A Male Disease? An Adult Disease?"

Blog post originally published on Tuesday, December 06, 2005 at "What Makes Narcissists Tick". I will include the comments for this post as there is good content there as well.

*******************************************

Another thing that warps our picture of NPD is double standards that are the fruit of stereotypes and sloppy thinking:

• Women are nicer than men and therefore less likely to be narcissists.
• What's okay for men to do is wrong for women to do.
• All old people are nice and deserve a pass to treat young people without repsect.
• Physically hitting someone is worse than verbally abusing them or destroying their life through slander and calumny.
• Children are all innocent and, by nature, good.

Rubbish.

So, another thing that invalidates current statistics is mental-health-care workers applying double standards of both age and sex.

An example of such a double-standard is this: if we see an action photo of an angry male coach with his mouth wide open and his face contorted, we think nothing of it. He doesn't strik us as ugly. Yet, if we see a photo of a female coach with but an intense look on her face, we find the image off-putting. She strikes us as ugly.

These internal reactions are so conditioned by society, that even if you are aware of the double-standard, you can hardly help but be affected by it. Therefore, we think nothing of this behavior in our male hero, but she strikes us as a bitch.

Again for example, personality traits regarded as distinguishing a man as worthy of admiration as a good, tough businessman are regarded as distinguishing a woman as a bitch. That's just a fact, and mental heath-care workers are taking few (if any) precautions to avoid applying such sexual double-standards in diagnosis.

Which cuts the legs out from under the widespread belief that NPD is far more prevalent in men than women. In my own slice of the world, the ratio is 50-50. And in my own understanding of the disease I see no reason why men should be any more prone to it than women.

But I can think of many reasons why male narcissists are exposed as narcissists more frequently than female narcissists are. Put another way, I see many reasons why female narcissists get away with it more often. Could it be then that women are under-represented in the statistics?

It sure could be! In fact, because of this we must presume that women are greatly under-represented in the statistics. And you can't just chalk this up to the fact that men are more likely to use their fists than their mouths. For, the only narcissist I have observed physical violence in is an extremely violent woman — who had everyone but those who had seen her with her mask off thinking she was a regular Mother Theresa.

And anyone who thinks male narcissists are worse because they're more prone to physical violence is dead wrong. If anything, that makes them less dangerous than female narcissists. The law deals with physical attacks. It does almost nothing to protect us from non-physical attack. Indeed, the non-physical violence the woman I referred to above did was by far more damaging and sadistic than any beating she gave someone.

Author: Kathy Krajco
Source

7 Comments:

At 2:26 AM, Nevermore said...

From my own experience I would say that men are less likely to admit to feeling the abuse of a woman than women are of men. That may be why the stats are so far off. It is a hard thing to admit that I was brow beaten by a woman and took it without standing up for myself. According to our society men are supposed to be strong and self sufficient, not backing down to a woman, but once the Narc has their claws into you, and you feel as though you love them, there is little you can do except take it. It took me 4 years but I finally made the break and I have offended many friends in the process because they never recognized what was going on and have a hard time believing the severity of it. It seems to me that emotional abuse is worse than physical, only for the fact that one is unable to point to the bruises and make people believe. When common friends are involved the abuse continues because of their disbelief and their acceptance of the Narc’s story. The difficulty is not only in the proving, but in the admitting to others.

At 4:41 PM, Kathy K said...

Yes, what you say is very true. In fact, it's somehwat true when a narcissist abuses a sibling of the same sex. Men are really at a disadvantage in this game, but people don't realize that.

At 4:51 PM, Anonymous said...

Well I for one have seen more female narcissists in my lifetime than males. As a matter of fact, I have been slandered and suffered so much abuse from my sister who is a narcissist, it is unreal.
I say she is a narcissist but she certainly fits the profile of BPD and HPD. Who knows, wonder if it's possible she's all 3...Is it possible does anyone know if more than one or two personality disorders can be found in a person?

At 8:39 AM, Kathy K said...

I know that the diagnosis one gets offen differs from psychiatrist to psychiatrist. That doesn't give you much faith in the diagnosis, does it? It's not like these are all different diseases. It might help to think of them as different directions pathology can take, depending on the circumstances. Some even seem to be variants or stages in progression to another (as narcissism and psychosis). Plus, the diagnostic criteria aren't really a definition: they are just red flags likely to stand out in a clinical setting, so they are used to aid diagnosis. But the whole picture is somewhat nebulous.

At 2:01 PM, Anonymous said...

From what I gathered there is a larger proportion of men who are narcissistic and a larger proportion of women who are histrionic ( If I remember well 70 percent ). They abuse both genders but for different gratifications and a larger proportion of them are bisexual.Indeed they can seduce anyone.

At 6:39 PM, Kathy said...

That's conventional wisdom. But studies show an outrageous amount of error (over 50%) in diagnosing these disorders. They also show a tendency to misdiagnose women as histrionic who would be diagnosed as narcissistic if they were but male. So, those statistics are totally unreliable. I think I still have an article on the Main Site about that that provides the sources. As for bizexuality, that I don't know. This is the first time I heard that.

At 12:16 PM, Anonymous said...

Also, Kathy, in the world of stererotypes, mothers in particular aren't supposed to be mean. Especially to their own kids. Now, since the mother-child relationship offers an N woman more power over another human being than any other, I'd guess a fair number of female Ns are 'hidden' by the Good Mommy archetype.

The idea that the old are automatically worthy of respect and deference from the young is another one that needs scotching. I've come across a fair number of people who are emotionally and sometimes physically abused by elderly N parents, and I suspect it's actually fairly common, but everyone believes that the abuse only ever happens the other way.

Last Chapter on the Book of Sister

Here is the final episode of the sister drama. I sent this Tue, 20 May 2008 12:53:54 my time:




D,

In your May 10 email you said,

"I know I have always stepped unaware on your sensitive spots."

My last email of 2006 and the one I sent you last week were not efforts to induce you to apologize for past misdeeds; it was an effort to give you some clue as to why you are unsafe for me and my family to be around. It is your ongoing behaviors, much more than your past "crimes", that have been my concern. It is your complete lack of empathy. It is your refusal to recognize the rights and privileges of others - in the present - that prevent me from trusting you and having you in my life as well as the level of deception you're willing to employ to get your way. You can't think of even one lie to cop to. That is a lie in and of itself. Look at the lie in the sentence of yours quoted above. The words "always...unaware" is the damnable lie. You proved the lie in your most recent email. You have done things with intent to hurt. Yet you persisted up to May 10 to insist you never intentionally hurt me.

This latest email of yours confirms what I suspected about your May 10 email; it was a fishing expedition for the next phase of "Operation Trojan Horse". You didn't really care what I had to say as long as I gave you a list. Even though I rejected your pretense of not knowing your offenses of two years ago, I went ahead and reiterated. This suited you well since you ultimately got what you wanted: a formulaic opening for your "repentance" shtick. But it took me having to repeat myself for you to suddenly 'know' what to apologize for. Then, suddenly and miraculously, you can remember details from 2006 that I didn't reiterate proving you were lying about not knowing what the hell you did. This mitigates against me believing in the sincerity and the motivations of your apologies. See my problem? You talk, you lie.

You then indicate you're willing to apologize for more if I'm willing to give you the list. You're only going to fess up to whatever it is I "have" on you.

This is a criminal mindset.

Let me illustrate. A career criminal has finally been caught for one of his crimes. He's been dragged into court before a judge with a list of related charges against him. The evidence is irrefutable which convinces the crook his best hope is to plead guilty to the charges and throw himself on the mercy of the court. This criminal has been doing his life of crime for years. He has just been caught for a crime, but not for a fraction of what he has done over his lifetime. He is willing to plead guilty to whatever the DA has on him because he knows he can't dispute the evidence. There is a list of crimes longer than both his arms that he has never been caught doing. He does not plead guilty to those crimes. Oh, no. He is only going to take his lumps for whatever it is he can't wiggle out of. Whatever it is the "law" has caught him on...that and only that will he confess to.

That is you. You still think like a crook. For all your vaunted "change" and "healing" you still clearly show you operate from the mindset of a criminal.

I don't need to spend my time coming up with your laundry list for you. I'm not going to provide your Jiminy Cricket services. It requires you to do no introspection when we rely only on my memory to come up with what you need to confess to. Expecting me to come up with things for you to apologize for shows me you're not interested in making things right. You are only interested in convincing me you're making things right. It is about rehabilitation of your image, not your character.

I'm not interested in more apologies or confessions. The time for that is long past. You finally getting around to some unvarnished apologies is too little, too late. Sincerely sorry people don't wait two years and several lengthy emails on the part of the victim to start to come clean. Even if I did give you a check-list and you apologized for everything on it, I would still be left with my basic problem concerning you. My inability to trust you. Your way of apologizing inspires zero confidence in you. The only way to find out if you're truly sincere would be to admit you back into my life. That is more of a risk than I'm willing to undertake. There is simply not enough evidence to believe anything has changed.

You need to understand something about my state of mind toward you. I don't think about you 99.9% of the time. And when I do think of you it is just a passing thought with no accompanying emotion. Well, I do usually have an emotion. It is one I would describe as relief. Relief that you're out of my life. By the way, relief is what we call a positive emotion.

That being said, you have gotten a sense of my anger in my letter. Here's the deal: I went from not having to think about you at all to being hit out of the blue with one of your letters where you yet again plead ignorance and pure motives. This is provocative, annoying and manipulative on your part. So, yes, in the present, while I'm having to deal with your latest shenanigans, I'm frustrated and angry. You are mistaken when you extrapolate my frustration at what you've just thrown in my lap to deal with again into some kind of proof that is my constant state of mind and attitude about you. It isn't. Quit pretending my anger is coming from harbored resentments and recognize my anger is directed at your behaviors in the present. Because the past with you looks like the present I bring it up. Your present behaviors make the past relevant. Yes, I was angry in my last two letters of 2006 because of what you had done in the present. I wasn't suddenly lashing out based on some simmering resentment.

I know you'll continue to ignore what I tell you about my state of mind because it doesn't serve your agenda. It is much better for your state of mind to pretend I am the one who is broken, the one with the problem, the one who isn't being "spiritual" enough.

You say you have no expectation that your apologies will result in reconciliation. Yet, you magnanimously offer me the service of further apologies with the obvious implication that you think I need them for my "emotional healing". My emotions are fine and your services are not needed. You have nothing I need and nothing I want.

In the future I will be the one to contact you if that is what I decide to do. Do not initiate contact again. I told you in April 2006 that "Maybe, at some point in the future, I'll call you and see if you're willing to have an mutually respectful, healthy and adult relationship with me". No where in there did I tell you I was waiting for you to initiate contact. I indulged your forwardness. It was yet another time I have given in to your demand for attention that I have lived to regret. I have wasted my time in responding to you. I won't repeat this mistake.

If you want to show me that you've learned to respect my wishes prove it by leaving me alone. The only avenue for the restitution you claim you want to engage in is to leave me to my life without you in it. I am content to let eternity prove who you really are.

Signing off,
Anna

****************************************

Thus ends the sister saga. At least, this ends my participation in that saga. If I ever hear from her again I'll let you know. Be assured, she will not be able to provoke a response from me. It has been three years since I cut off from my parents. They have not heard another word from me. I tell you this to assure you I won't be lured from my peaceful life into my sister's maelstroms going into the future. When I'm done, I'm really done. Maybe I should say she's done. Cooked like a Christmas turkey.

Stick a fork in her.

[Credit for the great 'Princess Bride' icon goes to]

Kathy Krajco

I am sure that the faithful readers of Kathy Krajco's blog received the terribly sad news of her unexpected death on May 9, 2008. It was brought to my attention on May 14th by one of the readers of both my and Kathy's blog.

Those of us who know Kathy's work feel the loss very deeply. She has been a clear, compassionate voice for those abused by malignant narcissists. She cut no quarter for the abusers. Her intelligence, breadth of knowledge of her subject, her teaching ability, her scientific mind, her humor, her compassion are seen throughout all her writings. It would be impossible to measure the amount of help and good she has been to people around the world.

I was recently contacted by Barbara who owns the blog "Sanctuary for the Abused". She was a "net friend" of Kathy's and had a warm email relationship with her. Barbara voiced a concern to me that I had been pondering too. What will happen to Kathy's blog? Kathy's main website is available in book form which will help keep it in circulation in the years to come, although I am uncertain about the fate of the main site as well. The outcome of the blog is less certain. Barbara is willing to spend the time going through Kathy's blog archives to pull out articles to re-post on her two blogs with full attribution to Kathy, of course. Barbara has asked me if I will help her with this project. I am more than happy to help as I have been concerned about the loss of Kathy's work.

If any of you have any other suggestions as to how to approach this, please comment.

Barbara posted a memoriam on her site for those of you who may not have gotten the sad news of Kathy's passing before now.

A true heroine has laid down her sword. I pray the Lord will continue to richly bless her work to the benefit of humanity.

Sister's May 17, 2008 Email

One of the first thoughts I had when I read this newest email was, "why didn't she send me this email a week ago?" Her email below would have had a very different effect on me if I hadn't been treated to her email of May 10th which stands in sharp contrast. Two letters. Two very different realities. They can't both be reality because they are so fundamentally different. Thankfully, they arrived in the order they did because if she had come to me with this last email first I would have been tempted to believe in her sincerity.

I am so tired of my sister right now with all the thought and effort that has gone into dealing with her that I'm not anxious to do much parsing of her email. I'm going to insert some comments into her missive, but certainly not to the extent I could. You all are smart and have enough background on the situation to see things without me pointing it out line by line. I'll put my comments in [brackets] and this color. Like you wouldn't be able to tell the difference if I made no demarcation. I crack me up. It is my neat streak.

***********************************

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:26:27

Dear Anna,

Thank you for taking the time to answer my email and risk opening up old scars. It has been a help in understanding how you feel and where you are coming from. I am sorry for the meanness and disrespect I have shown you in the past. I am especially sorry that I have not been someone you could trust and that i have manipulated and forced you into my way of thinking so many times. I realize that it is degrading and disrespectful. I realize that I would force you to accept my view points while ignoring yours. Then I would turn the knife in even further by demanding that you not only see my view point but agree with my view point. I wouldn't stop there, I was not content until you would be excited about my viewpoint...all the while totally ignoring your feelings. For all this I am truly sorry. I did the same to [her husband] and he told me how dehumanized he felt when I did this to him. This all the more confirmed in my mind, the truthfulness of what you were saying. Please forgive me.

[Notice how intentional all this behavior she describes is. The intentional nature of her underhanded dealings with me has been completely denied in all her previous emails including the email she sent only one week earlier. Also, she really loves to believe she is all powerful in her relationships. Dehumanizing? My sister has never had the power to "dehumanize me". Or to force me into her opinions if I was unwilling to be moved. What an ego.]

I did want you to be excited to meet K [her biological daughter]. I did disregard what you had said about wanting to meet her later after she turned 18. I thought I could convince you otherwise and I tried to do so. I didn't think your reasons were valid and that by giving you more "information" I could have things turn out the way I wanted them to. I am sorry that I did not allow you to have your own opinion on this matter. I am sorry I tried to convince you that you were incorrect. I should have just said okay. But true to form, I pushed. And you felt devalued and manipulated. I am so sorry. I apologize for this and I was wrong not to just accept what you said. You had every right to be angry and hurt.

[Again, she finally is admitting to the deliberate nature of her behavior and words in 2006. Something she has denied up to this moment.]

You asked me to own up to when I purposely tried hurting you. I remember in my teen years being very angry with you. This was a time in my life when I really was trying to hurt you. I was so resentful of you. I know I put you down and would dig at you. I think I wanted to even humiliate you. I know I wanted to punish you. I was horrible. You already felt degraded and humiliated and trapped in a life you really didn't choose for yourself and there I was trying to make you feel worse. It was evil. I apologize to you for this. I am so sorry. It was cruel and wrong. I was selfish and self righteous and I am so sorry. I know i couldn't have treated you worse because my digs were sly and subtle, probably leaving you to feel like, "did she really mean that". I can only imagine how awful I made you feel. Please forgive me.

[She obviously has a pretty good memory on how she treated me back then. Why am I only now getting this apology?? We've been on the topic of her rebellious teen years on many occasions. Never once did she think to apologize for how she treated me. Not once. The focus was always on her pain and angst.]

Rebellion has been an issue in my life. I can remember being three years old and deciding that mom's way of doing things and ascribing motives and judgments to my actions was wrong. My act of rebellion to this was to disrespect her requests and demands of me. I realize that my rebellion was a sin. It had terrible consequences. And it hurt others. You were hurt in my acts of rebellion. I was so wrong. I was wrong to mom but especially to you, an innocent bystander. As an adult looking back on this I know you are right. I was shielded by you. You did so much to protect me. Thank you and I am sorry that my selfish rebellion caused you so much hurt and resentment.

[I've heard all this from her before minus the part where she admits I was directly affected by the sins of her youth. This is supposed to be one of her recent revelations, yet she talked to me about this when we were still in contact. All her insights and revelations from God that have supposedly changed her completely in these last two years are old scripts!]

I know I put you into the role of mother. I am sorry. It is not a role you asked for or ever felt comfortable with. It was unfair to you. You were a child and needed a nurturing mother yourself. I am so sorry you never had that. I accept your rejection of that role and I agree with you.

I am sorry my paraphrase offended you. It was not accurate, I can see that. I should have said that after your statement, it was the question I asked myself. And God eventually revealed the answer to me. The root was an issue of abandonment and rejection that controlled my life. [emphasis mine]

[Highlighted above, she presents this as a reason for her youthful rebellion. From what I can tell it is the human condition to fear abandonment and rejection. I have observed that some of the most badly behaving human beings are the ones with the biggest issues of abandonment. They know their behavior should earn them abandonment and rejection yet they persist in being vile. They test us with great frequency. Sister had no particular reason to have these fears. She was the wanted child. I was the unwanted one. She was the petted and spoiled child. I was the work-horse and sometimes the whipping boy. Rather than treat people the right way to avoid what she feared most, she acts like a bitch and expects everyone to hang in there with her. I see this confession as self-serving, as an excuse, as a big red sign of her narcissism.]

I know you said that this wasn't the main issue you were interested in addressing but it has everything to do with all the issues you addressed. God showed me that.

["See? It is really all about me, my issues, my childhood fears." No matter what, she always circles back to making everything about her. Oh, yeah, and she has a hot line to God's desk. She always works that one into her emails.]

No, it is not a work of a lifetime. I only had to live with it so long because in my stubbornness and rebellion I was unwilling to release it and submit to God for the healing. But when I did, He healed me. He changed my mind in a miraculous way and all the screwed up ways I think and see things was shown to me. You are right. I have been a terrible person and a horrible sister to you. I apologize for that most of all. My driving need for your validation was more important to me than your need to be authentic and free to hold your own opinion. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I am sorry that I never showed you the love you deserve. I did not take responsibility for my actions and decisions because I was afraid of being abandoned or rejected because of it. It controlled me entirely. I was wrong. I am asking for your mercy and forgiveness.

[Using words like "terrible" and "horrible" are ways narcissists pretend to be sorry. I call it "horribilizing". It is a frequent tactic of drama queens of which both my mother and sister are. Using phrases like "terrible person" and "horrible sister" sound like an admission but it lacks content. Then she reduces her "terrible" and "horrible" behaviors to her "driving need for validation" and her fears "of being abandoned and rejected." In other words, "I was horrible, but I was suffering. Can't you see my pain?" She is still playing a victim role. She is still not confronting head on what she has done. Least of all, who she is.]

I have given God the authority over my life. He has set me free from the fears that controlled me and caused me to take a very good long look at myself. I can see why you feel the way you do. I finally can see the me you have described. I am willing to look at more and take responsibility for my actions. So, you talked about my "lies" and whoppers. I don't know what you are referring to. But if you want to tell me, I want to know. In fact, if there are any other specific actions that I have done which are an offense to you, I want to know. This is not a game to me. I do not think that if I play it right I get my sister back. You have made it very clear that ship has sailed long ago. I do not think that if I hold up under my "punishment" steadfastly, that suddenly you will change your mind. What I want is to own up to what I have done. I want to acknowledge your hurts and resentments and anything I have done to you that is still a clear memory you have. I want no more hard feelings and resentment to exist between us.

Love,

D

***********************************

I deal with most of what she says in the last paragraph in my response to her. I'll point out a few other things here that I didn't in my response to her. First of all, notice how she uses the past tense to describe her being "healed" and "set free from my fears that controlled me". In the past she "took a very good long look at myself". If she was truly reformed at some point in the past wouldn't that have been reflected in her email of one week earlier???

Secondly, I see her on another fishing expedition. She wants to perfect her game. "Me? Lie? When have I ever lied??" If I sat down and pointed out every single lie I can see in her emails to me all I would do is enable her to hone her skills of deception. Kind of like the psychopath in psychotherapy. You just make a slicker, more adept psychopath as they get tips handed to them on how to better manipulate normal, decent human beings. I'm not interested in improving her game.

She is also wanting to feed. Since I won't let her into my life to latch onto a vein, she can be happy with a recounting of all the past pain she has caused me. She can live on my recitations of past abuses and know I was hurt enough when she did it that I can still remember them. Which she would assume is still causing me pain. There is much supply to be found there.

She persists in talking about my hard feelings, hurts and resentments. She has not hinted even once in any of her emails that she harbors any resentments toward me. So when she offers to confess to whatever I lay in front of her so there are no "hurts and resentments between us" she is obviously talking about my hurts and resentments. She has not admitted to having any herself. She continues to presume to know my mind. She reduces our problems to me being stuck in my hurts and resentments. This is a minimization tactic and subtle blame-shifting. It is also coming from her sense of superiority. She has turned over her rebellion and fears to God and has been healed. Wouldn't I like to be healed too? I am supposed to see that my healing resides in her. She is more than willing to provide the salve my soul needs.

Ugggh, she is disgusting to me.

Another thing on this "hurts and resentments" theme she always boomerangs back to. She has brought it up in every single email since Apr. 1, 2006. I have refuted it each and every time. She acts like I never said a thing about my true state of mind and goes back to talking about my "hurts" and "pain" and "resentments". How is this different than what she describes about her behaviors in the past with me where she would ignore what I have said, try to force me to agree with her, dismissing what I say as invalid, pushing to give me more "information" so I'll accept her viewpoint, etc.? She is still doing this crap in her apology email! She is apologizing for doing this very thing...yet, she hasn't stopped doing it! This is largely how she does it. Mostly by omission and by ignoring what I've said explicitly. Acting like I never said it. This was a significant part of how she behaved when I told her I didn't want to meet her bio daughter until the kid was older. She primarily fought by this sneaky way of pretending I never said what I said.

This apology email is more significant in what she chooses to continue to ignore. This is how she can avoid being confrontational. When she doesn't agree with what I've said then it is like I never said it. She, the princess of needy validation, withholds validation at every turn from me. I am glad for more proof that she is unchanged and unchangeable.

Lastly, on this subject of my supposed "hurts and resentments", I think my sister is projecting onto me her own state of mind. She would never admit this to herself let alone to me. A narcissist can not fathom how the mind of a normal and decent person works. They do not believe it is possible to act as I am acting, by cutting her out of my life and saying what I've said, and that not come from a place of pure hatred and seething rage. They can't conceptualize how we are able to happily move on without even thinking about them. They think about us all the time. And they are not charitable thoughts. I am sure she would love to have some kind of pretended reconciliation with me so that she could lay in wait for any opportunity to punish me for these last two years. The hard feelings and resentments are in her heart, not mine. I'm happily moving on with scarcely a thought of her. She certainly doesn't stir up my emotions when I think about her at times when I'm not having to deal directly with her. She, finally, has admitted to the anger, resentment, hostility and desire to punish me back when she was a teen simply because I left home. My leaving was not a personal act against her. Yet she acted like it was. Now I have rejected her personally. What is the chance that old nasty teen narcissist wouldn't still want to get a piece of me when she could if she had access to me? Small, small chance given that she is essentially unchanged in character from what she was back then.

I do not regret having written her back last week. Now that this little drama has worked its way through I am thankful for what has happened. Ever since I started writing about my relationship with my sister I have expressed my internal conflict. Not knowing for sure if she is a narcissist. I feel I have gotten all the proof I need. I can go on from here knowing that I never need to exchange one more word with her.

In none of my previous letters to her did I shut the door forever on her. This is why she felt bold enough to write me after two years. Even though I told her I would be the one to decide when to contact she, of course, disregarded that. All she knew is that I dangled a piece of hope in front of her two years ago when I signed off. This has been rectified. In my response sent yesterday I told her to never contact me again. Yes, I fully expect she will disregard my command at some point in the future. It doesn't matter. What I've made clear is that I will not respond if she does. She will only get deafening silence from me from here.

The reason I was willing to engage her in this latest round of emails is because I am safe. She has no power to get any further into my life than I allow. It is easy enough to shut down her only avenue to me ... email. She can't force me to engage with her any more than I am willing. She has no power over the quality of my life. Because I had left her two years ago with some hope that she may someday make it back into my life I was willing to see where this latest communication would go. I knew at some point she would need to be vetted. My own sense of fairness didn't allow me two years ago to completely slam the door shut because I wasn't yet sure what she is. She has kindly provided that proof. I never again will feel she deserves another chance to prove herself. She is tested and proven. She has been weighed ... and found wanting.

I will engage in a bit of speculation which is based on nothing more than a hunch. One of my first thoughts when she emailed me on May 10th was that there is something big going on in her life right now. It could be marital problems up to and including a possible divorce. Perhaps she is again having serious health issues. Maybe one of our parents is having a serious health issue. I suspect she was trying to gain some kind of relationship with me now so that in the near future she could try to obligate me to do what she thinks I should do in whatever crisis is pending.

Like I said, this is speculation on my part because she obviously didn't even hint at any of this. I know how she thinks. I have had several conversations with her when we've talked about my mother's 2,400 sq. ft. house that is crammed packed with years of her stuff. Mother is a pack rat. My sister would talk about our having to deal with all that crap when my mom dies. Sister would then become authoritative, "I know I won't be dealing with it alone. You will help me. We are in this together. I'm not going to be miserable alone...etc." She said this several times, and it was after I had cut off contact with my parents. In times of family 'crisis' my sister is always the issuing the orders. My sister has been issuing orders since she was around three years old. Bossiness is one of her most prominent features and has been all her life.

I am very sure she will still try to contact me in the future with some kind of order, "Your mother is dying and in the hospital. She wants to see you. I'm sure you will give her her dying wish if you consider yourself a Christian." All such communications will go unacknowledged by me. They all deserve each other. They can rot in their misery without me.

So much for not doing much parsing. Sheesh. I'm so verbose.

The last installment of this recent saga will be my much more brief final email to sister.

The Cover Up Reveals it WAS Intentional

Here is an excerpt from the article, "The Three Rs of Accountability", at Luke 17:3 Ministries.

Many offenders are fond of saying, “But I didn’t mean it that way” or “I never meant for that to happen” . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS ARE...

...Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their “mistakes”- this tells us that these are not really “mistakes” at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense.

Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when she is caught or confronted, so she will not admit what she did. She will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior. She will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought she was getting away with it. She will not admit she was wrong, she will not sincerely apologize, and she will not try to rectify the damage she did.

The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, her words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, she knew what she was doing and the effects it might have, but she decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise she would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. Her ego would not be at stake, and she would not react with the shame of someone who was “caught” doing wrong. One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others- anything but admit that she was wrong and take responsibility for her own words or actions.

Someone who is not ashamed of herself has no reason to deny or lie about what she did. She will acknowledge her actions, apologize for the pain she caused EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T MEAN TO, admit she was wrong, used poor judgment, or made a mistake, do everything she can to make restitution, and NOT REPEAT the same offense in the future. She may feel embarrassed about her actions, but she will not feel the shame that leads to covering them up. And she understands that failure to take responsibility would be an even greater reason to be embarrassed.

***********************************

I know I'm sick to death of hearing about the pure intentions of the perps in my life. How about you? How do people who never have an bad intention so often end up abusing you in some way? Anyone who chooses to plead to their good intentions rather than immediately making things right is guilty as hell. They are lying about their malicious intent by pretending its opposite.