They come along and attach themselves to a living being and proceed to take all they want from that life while contributing nothing except disease and, potentially, death. This is what we recognize in the natural world as a parasite.
Like the parasite, the narcissist attaches itself to its host. It has identified what it sees as a source of life, a source of narcissistic supply. If their parasitism manages to suck the life out of the host they will quickly attach to the next one. There is no expression of concern or feeling for the diseased or dead host they left behind.
Narcissists...like a tapeworm or a malarial protozoan....feel no regret for this way of making a living. We should feel no regret if we choose to use pesticides to get rid of them.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
The Opposite of Love is Not Hatred
A study on the concept of Nothing
How incredibly informative it would be if people could truly understand that the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. It would force them to recognize the pathological relationships they are stuck in that are destroying their lives in some way. Many ACONs struggle for so long with their narcissistic parents because we all have memories of some apparently benevolent acts.
We look for "benevolent" acts in our history with the narcissist as a sign that they must love us "in their own way". We think that if they didn't love us then surely we'd know it because we think we would recognize the opposite of love. We think love's opposite is active hatred. I disagree.
Not to say that our narcissistic parents don't display actively hateful behavior, by the way. They can and do. But we are perplexed by the times when they seem to be acting loving toward us. (The operant word here is acting.) So we come up with explanations for the bad behaviors and give them a pass. Our narcissists tutored us well on how to do this.
I believe the hallmark of our relationships with our Ns seems to be the often overtly callous indifference we have suffered from them. They are indifferent to our best good. Indifferent to our humanity and individuality. Indifferent to our needs. Indifferent to our feelings. They nothing you.
Real love is other-centered. It is outwardly focused. (See 1 Corinthians 13 for a description of what real love looks like.) It involves self-sacrifice. It is always benevolent in its motivation. I've already pointed out how malignant narcissist means malevolent. Evil. Intent on doing harm. Please don't confuse anything the narcissist does as coming from a loving motivation. To do so is to continue to be their prey.
If we can understand the utter disregard of our personhood that is encapsulated in the word indifference, if we can let ourselves acknowledge the awful truth that these people are incapable of anything approaching real love, then can we see our way clear to cut loose even if these people call themselves our parents? I think so.
This indifference explains the sense we get of having our souls sucked out of us. Love fills us up. Indifference reduces us to husks. These people are toxic waste. Poison that will kill your soul first and then your body. We can forget ever feeling guilty for distancing ourselves from them because we think that on some level they must love us. Love is incapable of indifference because indifference is its antithesis. The narcissist does not love you. Never did. Never will. There is no room for such nobility of purpose and action as love in the narcissist's heart.
Indifference is what I feel for my parents. Bit by bit, as I began to understand the revelation of their narcissism, I was able to distance myself from them. Now I feel nothing for them. I don't have active, seething emotions that one would call hatred. No, I nothing them. They do not merit the emotional energy of hatred. They merit nothing. One can say that their indifference toward me all my life has finally come full circle back to them. My indifference is different from theirs in an important sense.....it contains no malevolence. I do not stay in their lives and torture them with my indifference. I have completely removed myself from their sphere so as to not afflict them with it. My indifference is in place only to save me. Not to hurt them.
The narcissist feels nothing toward you. My recommended course of action is that you get the hell away from them forever before they completely corrode your life. Then set on a path toward indifference. There is healing for your heart there. The narcissist doesn't merit anything from you that requires as much energy as either love or hatred. The wages for their actions toward you has come due. What have they earned? Nothing. As in, you owe them nothing. You feel nothing. They are nothing.
How incredibly informative it would be if people could truly understand that the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. It would force them to recognize the pathological relationships they are stuck in that are destroying their lives in some way. Many ACONs struggle for so long with their narcissistic parents because we all have memories of some apparently benevolent acts.
We look for "benevolent" acts in our history with the narcissist as a sign that they must love us "in their own way". We think that if they didn't love us then surely we'd know it because we think we would recognize the opposite of love. We think love's opposite is active hatred. I disagree.
Not to say that our narcissistic parents don't display actively hateful behavior, by the way. They can and do. But we are perplexed by the times when they seem to be acting loving toward us. (The operant word here is acting.) So we come up with explanations for the bad behaviors and give them a pass. Our narcissists tutored us well on how to do this.
I believe the hallmark of our relationships with our Ns seems to be the often overtly callous indifference we have suffered from them. They are indifferent to our best good. Indifferent to our humanity and individuality. Indifferent to our needs. Indifferent to our feelings. They nothing you.
Real love is other-centered. It is outwardly focused. (See 1 Corinthians 13 for a description of what real love looks like.) It involves self-sacrifice. It is always benevolent in its motivation. I've already pointed out how malignant narcissist means malevolent. Evil. Intent on doing harm. Please don't confuse anything the narcissist does as coming from a loving motivation. To do so is to continue to be their prey.
If we can understand the utter disregard of our personhood that is encapsulated in the word indifference, if we can let ourselves acknowledge the awful truth that these people are incapable of anything approaching real love, then can we see our way clear to cut loose even if these people call themselves our parents? I think so.
This indifference explains the sense we get of having our souls sucked out of us. Love fills us up. Indifference reduces us to husks. These people are toxic waste. Poison that will kill your soul first and then your body. We can forget ever feeling guilty for distancing ourselves from them because we think that on some level they must love us. Love is incapable of indifference because indifference is its antithesis. The narcissist does not love you. Never did. Never will. There is no room for such nobility of purpose and action as love in the narcissist's heart.
Indifference is what I feel for my parents. Bit by bit, as I began to understand the revelation of their narcissism, I was able to distance myself from them. Now I feel nothing for them. I don't have active, seething emotions that one would call hatred. No, I nothing them. They do not merit the emotional energy of hatred. They merit nothing. One can say that their indifference toward me all my life has finally come full circle back to them. My indifference is different from theirs in an important sense.....it contains no malevolence. I do not stay in their lives and torture them with my indifference. I have completely removed myself from their sphere so as to not afflict them with it. My indifference is in place only to save me. Not to hurt them.
The narcissist feels nothing toward you. My recommended course of action is that you get the hell away from them forever before they completely corrode your life. Then set on a path toward indifference. There is healing for your heart there. The narcissist doesn't merit anything from you that requires as much energy as either love or hatred. The wages for their actions toward you has come due. What have they earned? Nothing. As in, you owe them nothing. You feel nothing. They are nothing.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Narcissistic Celebrities
Whatta surprise....
An interesting article was posted on Drudge Report yesterday:
Study: Celebrities More Narcissistic
This little study seems to show that showbiz selects for narcissists, and not that showbiz turns ordinary people into narcissists. Another interesting tidbit is how the most narcissist people are those who do reality shows. If you've watched reality shows you already know this is true.
What this article says confirms my hunches. I have heard those describe "situational narcissism" as an explanation for showbiz (and athletic stars) who only become narcissistic when they are thrown into these arenas. I am sure there are people who fall into this category and are therefore less likely to be malignant in their narcissism, but I have suspected that most of the narcissism we see in the stars was already present in them before they hit stardom. Of course, stardom amplifies the narcissism to levels of extreme that people love to read about in the gossip mags. Stardom just makes them bigger narcissists.
Drudge also linked to Rupert Everett's excerpts of his book dishing on the divas. He describes his encounters with Sharon Stone and Madonna. He doesn't realize that these women are bury-the-needle narcissists so he is mesmerized by their powerful auras if also a bit terrified of them. They command a room with their sexuality. These women have the utter and complete self-confidence that only a narcissist is capable of. They can be as bizarre (Sharon Stone) or as rude as they want to (Madonna) without consequence. They are always playing to an audience. Read this comment of Everett's:
"....make no mistake: Sharon's career was a 24/7 affair. She didn't have to be on a sound stage to be filming. The world was her camera and her alarm clock was the clapperboard."
This is true of any narcissist I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. They are always playing to an audience. Even if it is just their family and the stage is their livingroom. Sharon Stone's breath-taking beauty and Madonna's .... oh, I don't know .... talent?.....whatever....anyway, what they have just grants them a bigger stage to act on.
The Everett excerpt on Sharon Stone and why she scares him is here:
My Life With the Divas
And the excerpt on his encounters with Madonna are here:
Madonna--Before She Became the Material Girl
I can understand if you don't want to read these articles....I found the one on Madonna rather tedious. I kept losing interest in the story so I had to make several runs to finish the article. This isn't "must" reading. It is mildly interesting if you like watching the train-wreck that happens when people collide with narcissists....or just watching the narcissist do what they do. Remember that Everett has no idea he is describing narcissists. He, like most people, is awed by their power, their massive self-confidence, their commanding sexuality. Even if they scare him a bit. He reminds me a bit of a pagan worshiper. In fear and awe he bows to the god's supremacy. If he could only see how small his god really is.
An interesting article was posted on Drudge Report yesterday:
Study: Celebrities More Narcissistic
This little study seems to show that showbiz selects for narcissists, and not that showbiz turns ordinary people into narcissists. Another interesting tidbit is how the most narcissist people are those who do reality shows. If you've watched reality shows you already know this is true.
What this article says confirms my hunches. I have heard those describe "situational narcissism" as an explanation for showbiz (and athletic stars) who only become narcissistic when they are thrown into these arenas. I am sure there are people who fall into this category and are therefore less likely to be malignant in their narcissism, but I have suspected that most of the narcissism we see in the stars was already present in them before they hit stardom. Of course, stardom amplifies the narcissism to levels of extreme that people love to read about in the gossip mags. Stardom just makes them bigger narcissists.
Drudge also linked to Rupert Everett's excerpts of his book dishing on the divas. He describes his encounters with Sharon Stone and Madonna. He doesn't realize that these women are bury-the-needle narcissists so he is mesmerized by their powerful auras if also a bit terrified of them. They command a room with their sexuality. These women have the utter and complete self-confidence that only a narcissist is capable of. They can be as bizarre (Sharon Stone) or as rude as they want to (Madonna) without consequence. They are always playing to an audience. Read this comment of Everett's:
"....make no mistake: Sharon's career was a 24/7 affair. She didn't have to be on a sound stage to be filming. The world was her camera and her alarm clock was the clapperboard."
This is true of any narcissist I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. They are always playing to an audience. Even if it is just their family and the stage is their livingroom. Sharon Stone's breath-taking beauty and Madonna's .... oh, I don't know .... talent?.....whatever....anyway, what they have just grants them a bigger stage to act on.
The Everett excerpt on Sharon Stone and why she scares him is here:
My Life With the Divas
And the excerpt on his encounters with Madonna are here:
Madonna--Before She Became the Material Girl
I can understand if you don't want to read these articles....I found the one on Madonna rather tedious. I kept losing interest in the story so I had to make several runs to finish the article. This isn't "must" reading. It is mildly interesting if you like watching the train-wreck that happens when people collide with narcissists....or just watching the narcissist do what they do. Remember that Everett has no idea he is describing narcissists. He, like most people, is awed by their power, their massive self-confidence, their commanding sexuality. Even if they scare him a bit. He reminds me a bit of a pagan worshiper. In fear and awe he bows to the god's supremacy. If he could only see how small his god really is.
Monday, September 04, 2006
The Abuse Excuse
I have a particular problem with the "abuse excuse". There are abusers who can point to a personal history where they were abused as children. (Sometimes the victims of an abuser will point to this history too in order to avoid having to deal with the concept of EVIL embodied in their abuser.)
Those who try to explain the reason narcissists exist will often fall back on the old Freudian concept of early childhood "damage" caused by abuse or neglect. This is very unscientific and unreliable as an explanation. For one thing, for childhood trauma to explain the creation of a narcissist one has to ask the very important question, "why do so many children raised in abusive situations NOT become narcissists?" This theory is too inconsistent with what we see in real life. There is no clear cause and effect because there are more examples of children raised in these situations who do not become narcissists than who do. This is a clear indication that individual choice is involved in how we ultimately develop character.
The other paradox is that there are narcissists who spring up in homes where no abuse or neglect can be found. No set of parents is perfect. Every parent makes mistakes in child-rearing, but those mistakes are greatly mitigated when parents really love their children. Children tend to be the most forgiving of creatures where their parents are concerned. There are narcissists who sprout up in these imperfect but loving homes. So, obviously, childhood traumas can not apply here.
Narcissists can be formed in homes where the child is greatly spoiled, fawned over, sheltered from all consequences of their bad behavior, and generally not taught self-control. Some would argue that this constitutes "child abuse". In the old days we just called it spoiling. For millennia society recognized this kind of parenting would raise up rotten children. Spoil....rot.....same thing. Along the lines of spoiling, I have personally witnessed personalties who are so bent on what they want that from an early age they spoil themselves. I've seen it with my own eyes. I have a sister, who from a very young age, lost no opportunity to indulge herself. This propensity strengthened with the years and became worse. She was spoiled by our mother when she was very young. When our mother stopped spoiling her, my sister just picked up from there and finished the job. More evidence that narcissists create themselves.
We see narcissists come from all types of situations and home upbringing. They can come from abusive homes, non-abusive homes, homes where they seem to get everything they want, all societies and socio-economic strata. What causes narcissists? Who can know?? Why is the why important? What we need to center our attention on is what they do. They are human predators. They are dangerous. We need to put our energies into understanding this reality and not waste time fussing over how they got that way because that is a total waste of time. Our understanding the why will not change what the narcissist is.
Back to the "abuse excuse". It is more egregious when a victim of abuse turns into an abuser. I find it completely inexcusable. I loathe the psychobabble that uses previous abuse in an abuser's history as an explanation (excuse) of some sort. The explanation is an excuse because society often gives a reduced penalty when the abuse excuse is brought in. It is insane logic. I remember being a very small child and making the conscious decision that I would not inflict abuse on my own child when I grew up. (A promise I kept.) The abuse I received enabled me to empathize with how it feels to be abused. Please take note of the power of choice I employed that stopped the abuse cycle. Please also note that I was around three years of age when I made this decision. Children make choices at a very young age that shape who they become. In spite of their circumstances, good or bad. Someone who has been abused knows what it feels like and is all the more evil to turn around and abuse others because they know exactly what it feels like. Those who were abused have looked into the face of evil. If the abused becomes the abuser they made a choice to become evil too. Since they know what it feels like to be abused we can only conclude that they enjoy inflicting the pain they've experienced onto others....what is this but evil?
We are all beckoned to come to the "dark side" very often throughout our lives. How can we admire those who choose the path of light, truth and compassion if we can excuse those who take the dark path? Was it all a coin toss? Some may think yes. I certainly don't.
Those who try to explain the reason narcissists exist will often fall back on the old Freudian concept of early childhood "damage" caused by abuse or neglect. This is very unscientific and unreliable as an explanation. For one thing, for childhood trauma to explain the creation of a narcissist one has to ask the very important question, "why do so many children raised in abusive situations NOT become narcissists?" This theory is too inconsistent with what we see in real life. There is no clear cause and effect because there are more examples of children raised in these situations who do not become narcissists than who do. This is a clear indication that individual choice is involved in how we ultimately develop character.
The other paradox is that there are narcissists who spring up in homes where no abuse or neglect can be found. No set of parents is perfect. Every parent makes mistakes in child-rearing, but those mistakes are greatly mitigated when parents really love their children. Children tend to be the most forgiving of creatures where their parents are concerned. There are narcissists who sprout up in these imperfect but loving homes. So, obviously, childhood traumas can not apply here.
Narcissists can be formed in homes where the child is greatly spoiled, fawned over, sheltered from all consequences of their bad behavior, and generally not taught self-control. Some would argue that this constitutes "child abuse". In the old days we just called it spoiling. For millennia society recognized this kind of parenting would raise up rotten children. Spoil....rot.....same thing. Along the lines of spoiling, I have personally witnessed personalties who are so bent on what they want that from an early age they spoil themselves. I've seen it with my own eyes. I have a sister, who from a very young age, lost no opportunity to indulge herself. This propensity strengthened with the years and became worse. She was spoiled by our mother when she was very young. When our mother stopped spoiling her, my sister just picked up from there and finished the job. More evidence that narcissists create themselves.
We see narcissists come from all types of situations and home upbringing. They can come from abusive homes, non-abusive homes, homes where they seem to get everything they want, all societies and socio-economic strata. What causes narcissists? Who can know?? Why is the why important? What we need to center our attention on is what they do. They are human predators. They are dangerous. We need to put our energies into understanding this reality and not waste time fussing over how they got that way because that is a total waste of time. Our understanding the why will not change what the narcissist is.
Back to the "abuse excuse". It is more egregious when a victim of abuse turns into an abuser. I find it completely inexcusable. I loathe the psychobabble that uses previous abuse in an abuser's history as an explanation (excuse) of some sort. The explanation is an excuse because society often gives a reduced penalty when the abuse excuse is brought in. It is insane logic. I remember being a very small child and making the conscious decision that I would not inflict abuse on my own child when I grew up. (A promise I kept.) The abuse I received enabled me to empathize with how it feels to be abused. Please take note of the power of choice I employed that stopped the abuse cycle. Please also note that I was around three years of age when I made this decision. Children make choices at a very young age that shape who they become. In spite of their circumstances, good or bad. Someone who has been abused knows what it feels like and is all the more evil to turn around and abuse others because they know exactly what it feels like. Those who were abused have looked into the face of evil. If the abused becomes the abuser they made a choice to become evil too. Since they know what it feels like to be abused we can only conclude that they enjoy inflicting the pain they've experienced onto others....what is this but evil?
We are all beckoned to come to the "dark side" very often throughout our lives. How can we admire those who choose the path of light, truth and compassion if we can excuse those who take the dark path? Was it all a coin toss? Some may think yes. I certainly don't.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Narcissist is a Cannibal
We have evidence that the narcissist knows he is mistreating you as we reflect on his deceptions and the many other ways he hides his bad acts. The term used in a criminal court is "consciousness of guilt". A person gives evidence of their awareness of the wrongness of their acts by their attempts to hide them. This concept is concrete enough to be used as evidence in a court of law, so it is concrete enough for us to use as evidence to convict our narcissist.
The narcissist seeks targets of opportunity. You are abused by him because he thinks he can get away with it. To deliberately use, abuse, hurt and obliterate someone just because you can is evil. Those who argue that this doesn't mean the narcissist is evil make a good point. They say it isn't about you in the narcissist's thinking. They don't even see you so how can it be calculated evil? While there is some truth to the fact that the narcissist ignores your humanity I can't completely buy into this theory. The narcissist gives it all away when they lie and cheat to get their way. If they truly didn't "see" you then there would be no reason to create a false reality for you in order to obscure truth. They know they have to deal with the fact that you are a separate (from them) human being with a mind of your own, so they have to be aware of what they are doing to you. He has found a way to exonerate himself from the label of evil in order to continue doing what he does. Are you willing to exonerate him too? We become his slave if we do. What the narcissist does to his victims when no one is looking is evil. He knows this on some level which is why he projects his evil acts off of himself onto others in an effort to distance himself from that which blackens his own character.
The narcissist works to completely obliterate you as a separate human being. Her goal is to assimilate you. Make you an extension of herself. This is what justifies her using you. You've been transformed into another of her body parts that she gets to use at her will. You have no will of your own she has to consider. You have no needs or desires separate from her own. The way this assimilation is accomplished requires evil acts. To maintain this relation to another human being requires ongoing evil acts. It is a form of cannibalism. In my understanding, cannibalism is always evil. Even if the cannibalism is only psychological. Who you are is defined by your mind. To consume who you are....how is that not cannibalism?
Because I believe in the existence of evil I am able to work to avoid doing evil. To avoid doing evil is to avoid being evil. Goodness in people is never an accident, in my opinion. Good character requires decision and effort. The easy path is the evil path. Good character means we practice self-denial when necessary, we consider the feelings and needs of others (sometimes at the expense of our own), we live in the truth (whether good or bad), we conduct ourselves honorably whether or not someone is looking. If we aren't allowed to call evil by its right name then we really are not able to credibly give honor to goodness. To do away with one is to do away with the other.
If we can't say that deliberately hurting someone is evil then we dis-empower victims of evil. They have no real name to attach to their experience or their abuser. Pop psychology doesn't believe in the concept of evil so victims of narcissists are left to assume the abuser doesn't really mean to do what they do, or they have to excuse the abuser on the basis of the abuser's own "damage", and they have to minimize their own experience and blame themselves. This makes it very hard to pull away from the abuser because we are left to believe that in some way we are the problem. The abusive narcissist is quick to tell us that is so because he is quick to use pop psychology to exonerate himself. He's not insensible when society hands him a "get of of jail free" card. He grabs it and runs with it. Combine pop psychology with a narcissist and you make him worse. Research is bearing this fact out.
Calling evil by its right name allows the abused the opportunity to see valid reasons to get away from the evil that ensnares them. An acknowledgment that evil does exist is directly related to the concept of freedom. As long as we don't call evil by its right name we are entrapped by it. Emotionally, mentally, even physically. We are slaves to someone's will. Call evil by its right name and see the path to freedom open up in front of you.
The narcissist seeks targets of opportunity. You are abused by him because he thinks he can get away with it. To deliberately use, abuse, hurt and obliterate someone just because you can is evil. Those who argue that this doesn't mean the narcissist is evil make a good point. They say it isn't about you in the narcissist's thinking. They don't even see you so how can it be calculated evil? While there is some truth to the fact that the narcissist ignores your humanity I can't completely buy into this theory. The narcissist gives it all away when they lie and cheat to get their way. If they truly didn't "see" you then there would be no reason to create a false reality for you in order to obscure truth. They know they have to deal with the fact that you are a separate (from them) human being with a mind of your own, so they have to be aware of what they are doing to you. He has found a way to exonerate himself from the label of evil in order to continue doing what he does. Are you willing to exonerate him too? We become his slave if we do. What the narcissist does to his victims when no one is looking is evil. He knows this on some level which is why he projects his evil acts off of himself onto others in an effort to distance himself from that which blackens his own character.
The narcissist works to completely obliterate you as a separate human being. Her goal is to assimilate you. Make you an extension of herself. This is what justifies her using you. You've been transformed into another of her body parts that she gets to use at her will. You have no will of your own she has to consider. You have no needs or desires separate from her own. The way this assimilation is accomplished requires evil acts. To maintain this relation to another human being requires ongoing evil acts. It is a form of cannibalism. In my understanding, cannibalism is always evil. Even if the cannibalism is only psychological. Who you are is defined by your mind. To consume who you are....how is that not cannibalism?
Because I believe in the existence of evil I am able to work to avoid doing evil. To avoid doing evil is to avoid being evil. Goodness in people is never an accident, in my opinion. Good character requires decision and effort. The easy path is the evil path. Good character means we practice self-denial when necessary, we consider the feelings and needs of others (sometimes at the expense of our own), we live in the truth (whether good or bad), we conduct ourselves honorably whether or not someone is looking. If we aren't allowed to call evil by its right name then we really are not able to credibly give honor to goodness. To do away with one is to do away with the other.
If we can't say that deliberately hurting someone is evil then we dis-empower victims of evil. They have no real name to attach to their experience or their abuser. Pop psychology doesn't believe in the concept of evil so victims of narcissists are left to assume the abuser doesn't really mean to do what they do, or they have to excuse the abuser on the basis of the abuser's own "damage", and they have to minimize their own experience and blame themselves. This makes it very hard to pull away from the abuser because we are left to believe that in some way we are the problem. The abusive narcissist is quick to tell us that is so because he is quick to use pop psychology to exonerate himself. He's not insensible when society hands him a "get of of jail free" card. He grabs it and runs with it. Combine pop psychology with a narcissist and you make him worse. Research is bearing this fact out.
Calling evil by its right name allows the abused the opportunity to see valid reasons to get away from the evil that ensnares them. An acknowledgment that evil does exist is directly related to the concept of freedom. As long as we don't call evil by its right name we are entrapped by it. Emotionally, mentally, even physically. We are slaves to someone's will. Call evil by its right name and see the path to freedom open up in front of you.
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