Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Recommended Article

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD.

I just finished reading this three part article and wanted to recommend it to you all. It is an excellent synopsis of personality disorders followed by descriptions of how each of these PD types behave relationally. The article contains some good practical advice as well. I am impressed by the author's firm grasp of the reality that victims are not to blame for the behavior of the personality disordered. Read it and find validation and balm for your soul.


paisley penguin said...

Oh yeah - that pretty much sums it up!

Anonymous said...

thanks sooo much for sharing this article! it is definitely a must read for anyone who deals with a personality disorder in their life.

thanks again, anna!

Bess said...

In every part of this article, I saw my father. I'd read a little, think, "You f***er," read a little more, and think it again. Very affirming.

Anonymous said...

A comment I'd like to make is I feel there are functioning N's and non-functioning N's. My N-father and N-ex-husband are functioning N's. They are both Electrical Engineers and make good money, but are very tight and controlling with that money. Both of them would do anything in the world for someone else, but would not do anything for me, especially if I asked for something. Then they really didn't want to do it. If I did have a want for new towels for lamp for example, my ex would either tell me what type to get and insist on it, or go buy one for me and I was suppose to be very appreciative of what he picked out.
I also feel that my my N-ex-husbands controlling manner, I would end up "acting out" the histronics he felt and then I was the "crazy" one. Anytime we had an argument I was so turned around in circles, I didn't even know aht to say anymore or what we were even arguing about anymore. Never focused on what the original problem. He loved to argue about something till I felt crazy and then the next day apologize for "upsetting" me and promise to do better. HA!
He loves to bring up what I did from the past. I tried to talk to him about our daughter that we share 50\50 custody of, about something yesterday and he said, "I tried to talk to you about that last week, but you didn't want to talk about it." I calmly told him, "I'm talking about it NOW." So he gave me this disgusted look. And finally talked about what we needed to discuss. Partly cause out daughter was present so he acts nicer to me around her. I never go around him without someone present. Although since reading this blog for the past 1 1/2 I am better able to see what it is he is doing and keep focused on the issue at hand. I just remain calm and repeat what it is I'm talking about until he come around. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I came from a divorced family that was pretty disfunctinal and my father is an N, that I have gone NC with since reading this blog, so when I met my husband to be 14 years ago, I thought he knew more than me what "normal" was. He has an intact family, they are active christians, and he called them weekly. NOW I realize to listen to my gut feelings about things. That I may have come from a dysfunctional family, but I need to trust myself. I am a loving, giving person and someone who is also that way is the only person that deserves me! My love will NOT be wasted on people who only take and distort and cause craziness anymore.
God is NOT a God of confusion, he is a God of Peace and if it feels confusing or insane, there is a reason, it's not of God, it is of evil.
I had turned to alcohol after being raised by an N and then being married to one for 11 years, but finally went to AA to get sober. I've been sober for 8 months now and I have learned to TRUST GOD and MYSELF and am learning who I am away from these Personality Disorder Abusers. I wonder how many other addicted users are out there b\c they were raised by these type of people and continue to think it is them that has the problem and not the N?
Thank you Anna for your support and encouragement as you always able to do.

So, what IS in a heart? said...

Yes, it's an excellent article. But, I do question the detachment part. Some losers can smell BS easily.

Still it's a lot of help in terms of screening out the worthless.

Anonymous said...

In my search for information and understanding regarding my past relationships with Ns and the resulting damage, spot-on articles like this are both enraging and comforting. It's been a strange trip, but I'm so glad I'm making it. And I'm so glad for this site. Thanks, Anna!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I've read his articles. He is good!

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for these great articles and the balm :)

Note to self: I am not to blame for their behavior.

Anonymous said...


Another N makes the news:

Husband in Ill. murder-suicide left lengthy note

Man convicted of first wife's murder, killed spouse, stepson and family pets

“…The suicide note was released after the Chicago Tribune filed a Freedom of Information Act request….

…He also wrote about struggling with bipolar disorder and complained that few people visited him after he broke an ankle 20 months earlier…

…In some ways, he seemed more upset over having killed the family pets than of killing his wife and stepson. Of one cat, he wrote, "when I stabbed her she looked again. This one hurt me deeply…"

I hope the evil bastard burns in Hell!


Anonymous said...

It seems to me that personality disordered folks can take on a million different guises - one will be the family dinner trouble-maker, while the other is an absolutely charming dinner-conversationalist. One will be highly respected by society at large (may even be president of a country), while the next will be an unemployed drug addict who self-harms. Some will rage openly, and then others will seem profoundly serene on the surface. Some will constantly move on, while others remain put forever... One will be highly gifted, while the other may be below average intelligence.

But what they ALL have in common is that behind these millions of facades is a lack of empathy and love. They are morally and emotionally bankrupt (also to varying degrees depending on the severity of the PD).

Writer in Washington said...

Thanks for this, its excellent!