I have composed my reply to my sister's latest email. Haven't hit the 'send' button yet; I'm going to sometime today, I think. My email is loooooong. The end result of many hours of labor.
*sigh*
My husband said last night how my email is too long to post on my blog because no one will read it. "They'll be overwhelmed." sez he. I protested. I think at least some of you will read it. Prove me right, please. *big grin*
I'm going to post my sister's email today. That will give ya'll time to read it over and come up with your own impressions before I lay out the facts. I realize that many of you won't have the context of my history with my sister to inform your reading of her email. That's okay. By the time you read my response you'll know what's goin' on. If you're interested in the chronology of our last email exchange you would start here. Then you'd go here for the second part. There's more, but that would probably give you enough context to understand what is being discussed in her most recent email and my soon-to-be posted response.
I'll post my response to my sister's email after I get around to sending it to her. I'll probably put it up tomorrow.
Without further ado...here is sister dearest's attempt at reconciliation after a two year silence:
[time stamp on email is: Sat, 10 May 2008 22:05:38 -0700]
Dear Anna,
Much time has passed since our last communication and I hope you are well. I know you have moved to XXXXX for [husband's] work and I hope you like it there.
It has been heavy on my heart all these years that I have offended you. The thought of you hurting because of something I have done is a terrible thing. There is no doubt in my mind that I did something which caused this, but time has not helped me bring about a revelation of the event. I do so wish you would tell me so I could offer you a specific apology directed to the specific pain I have caused you. I would also like to know if there is anything I can do to make up for this offense.
I know it has been a lifelong struggle for you to love and understand me. We have such varied perspectives on life. I know I have always stepped unaware on your sensitive spots and caused you much pain. I am so sorry for that. I hope you can believe that most of the pain I have caused you has been unintentional.
There were a few things you said to me that I have spent much time thinking about. I saw there was truth in it and I wanted to really give it my complete attention. You talked about my need for you to respond in a certain way for me to really feel validated. This made you feel contrived and manipulated. I can see that. I am so sorry that I did this to you. Not only you, but others close to me in my life. I struggled with this reveal of my character for many months before I realized it was a matter of surrender to God. What you identified was real and needed uprooting but no amount of my own effort was going to be able to remove it from my life. It was a spiritual matter that only God could address for any lasting success.
Which leads me to the most profound truth you shared with me. You grew tired of me talking about my damages from childhood and asked me if I had so much knowledge...why was I so stuck (D's paraphrase). Good question and one I could not in all integrity ignore. So again I asked God what was up. I learned from Him that going back to the places of pain, the roots of weak character, is only the beginning. It is the starting point, not the completion of the work which needs to be completed. Knowing these roots is essential for surrendering them to God who is the only one who can heal and restore my character. He was showing me these things not so they could be my "truth", but so I could give them to Him for healing. Needless to say, this has been a process. But thanks be to God, "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it."
Does she have you convinced she is sincere? That I'm just being a hard-ass? Maybe she is and I am.
From my insider's point of view, though, it is the other way around.
[icon credit]
41 comments:
Ok....Sometimes what ISN'T said is more 'telling' than what is? Why no mention of Nmom?..and what SHE and Nmom did and said about you? Seems like a huge omission to me. Is she stoopid? Does she think you are stoopid? I smell a JesusBandaid.
krl
Hmm, sounds like my twisted NStepdaughter. A MN NEVER understands why you don't want them in your life anymore. They never know what they've done. This reminds me of her "what did I ever do to make you stop loving me" sorts of letters, e-mails and cards. Well, to start with, how about all the lies, character assasinations and evil fantasies that she was telling and continued to tell while occasionally sending us a pitiful message when she wanted something? How about the contacting of all our friends and families with her tales of how she didn't know why we wanted nothing to do with her??? She used to be "so close" to her father. Really, when was that? Was that before or after he warned her that if she continued her slander campaign (which we discovered because some of those very same friends and family contacted us and sent us copies of what she was writing about us) she would lose her relationship with us until she went to everyone and told them the truth???
No matter what, the N is always the misunderstood victim who never understands why you are doing this to them.
I smell a JesusBandaid.
**titter** that's funny.
Yeah, you sure do. Both mom and sis always use the JesusBandaid when they find themselves backed into a corner. I love your term for it. Perfect.
I think you've summed her email up well when you mention what isn't said as being more telling than what is said. When I'm done with her what isn't said WILL be said. Heh. Not to mention how I deal with what she did say. Believe me, she gave me fourteen miles of rope to hang her with just with what she did say.
Ana, I just quickly read this and that's all I need. It just reeks of "I've been wronged" and false humility. Reminds me of someone I know and refuse to deal with.
Life's too short. I personally wouldn't even reply, but I can't wait to read what you send her. Too bad email doesn't have a "Return to sender" stamp.
MNs know how to turn any situation around so that they (the abuser) turn into the victim. We, (the real victims) are then transformed through their vile alchemy into their abusers.
Our offense? Daring to speak truth. Truth = narcissist kryptonite.
Their 'victimization' gig is so predictable it is boring.
Well, you have to admit that their messages do influence other people. That's why they send them, so they can prove how "good" they are and how "bad" you are.
Life's too short. I personally wouldn't even reply, but I can't wait to read what you send her.
I seriously considered not bothering. Frankly, if not for this blog I probably wouldn't have bothered. I figured that replying to her stupid email I would accomplish two things. 1) Stick my foot up her ass. Check. 2) Use it for its instructive value for you all. Check.
I like that kind of efficiency.
"The thought of you hurting because of something I have done is a terrible thing... but time has not helped me bring about a revelation of the event. I do so wish you would tell me so I could offer you a specific apology directed to the specific pain I have caused you."
Where do you start with this BS? Wah wah, I'm SO sorry that YOU'RE hurting because of some imagined wrong I did (in all innocence, although it only hurt you because you're an idiot oversensitive type) - but I HAVE to act all contrite now (if I want my N supply back), so I will cloak everything in how unintentional it was and how God is now helping me to get over how effing STUPID my sister is to think I ever did anything...
How disingenious! N's think they're SO clever when they're really SO obviously stupid! "I do so wish..." - they even talk like the fakes they are. As for me, I do so wish you'd all go to that dark place where evil belongs...
OK, OK, this hit a sensitive place. Makes me SO glad I said goodbye to my N. Thanks, Anna, for the reminder to thank God every day for my good fortune!
I do so wish all N's would eat SH** and bark at the moon.
Well, you sure nailed it. I love your comment -- for content as well as your spittin' anger. I'm with ya! I completely agree with your every word of analysis. It was my take on it too.
I do so wish all N's would eat SH** and bark at the moon.
Ooooooo, I like that one.
Thanks, Anna, for the reminder to thank God every day for my good fortune!
You are very welcome! Ever since I got my sister's email I have been walking around in a state of near euphoria. I kid you not. My husband and daughter could attest to this. I go around saying stuff like, "La Vita e Bella!" (life is beautiful!) cuz that is how I'm feeling. My sister has NO power to pull me down. I love the reminder of what I've lost (the Ns) vs. what I've gained (endless list of good things). I'm doin' the happy dance all the more this week. My life is beautiful.
"We, (the real victims) are then transformed through their vile alchemy into their abusers."
What a great analogy! I can now picture my evil N wearing a big witch's hat and cackling like the vile person they are as they try their darndest to turn me back into someone who they can abuse.
Sorry, ain't gonna happen. I'm wearing my handy dandy NO-CONTACT silver anti-N magic ring.
Yeah, nothing like a reminder of what you needed to lose to make you happy!!!
Anonymous hit on the one thing that I think made me the angriest with my Nstepdaughter and Nstepson. Non-apologies! The I'm-sorry-you-let-yourself-be-hurt garbage, which is in no way saying they are even remotely sorry for what they've done. I hate that worse than anything else. GRRR!!! But as you so clearly pointed out, with them out of my life I am doing the happy dance all the time. :)
Blah, blah blah blah blah.....Same old BS. The words and context give the N away EVERY time.... No real connection or continuity..Sounds as flat as an old bicycle tire... No epiphany here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another thing that seems clear to me now: Even if a person...N/MN or someone with 'traits'...COULD see their sin...feel contrite...change...whatevvvverrrr...it doesn't mean that there will now be a relationship etc.....any more than a murderer should now be 'free' because he knows how badly he screwed up. Anyone who truly knows what they have done..should be more than willing to leave well enough alone...should suffer ALONE before God for the rest of their days! Just where do these people get off, thinking that there HAS to be a 'relationship'? The consequence for a truly contrite person is allowing and accepting the DECENCY of SEPERATION. Leave well enough ALONE.
You know what it reminds me of? Ever listen to some teenagers these days? 'Hook-up', break-up, cry, whine, gossip...and INSIST that 'we still be friends'...(when the guy or the girl just 'hooked-up' with the other's best friend on the side.) HELL NO! Who ARE these people?
krl
Hmm... I literally laughed out loud.
"There is no doubt in my mind that I did something which caused this, but time has not helped me bring about a revelation of the event. I do so wish you would tell me so I could offer you a specific apology directed to the specific pain I have caused you. I would also like to know if there is anything I can do to make up for this offense."
Translation: My wronging you is a figment of your imagination. I can't figure out how to manipulate you back into my sphere of influence. Would you please give me some pointers on your weak spots?
"I know it has been a lifelong struggle for you to love and understand me. We have such varied perspectives on life. I know I have always stepped unaware on your sensitive spots and caused you much pain. I am so sorry for that. I hope you can believe that most of the pain I have caused you has been unintentional."
Translation: I am the victim of your stubborn insensitivity. You are wrong. Suck it up and get over it.
"It was a spiritual matter that only God could address for any lasting success. "
Translation: Not my fault. God took it. Get over it and be the submissive supply you're supposed to be.
Well... just some thoughts off the top of my head... ;-)
Hi Anna, I am eager to hear your response. Krl, 'JesusBandaid' is a good term for it, on first glance my immediate thought was that she was doing a spiritual glossing over. She acts forgetful when you were quite specific as to why you're NC, then uses blanket apologies and spiritual awakening as proof of supposed change. The best statement is: I know it has been a lifelong struggle for you to love and understand me. Hmm. What a cute little sleight-of-hand. In her words, she is fine, it is you who struggles to understand and therefore has the problem. I also chuckled at how she (and many Ns) step 'unaware' on people. The "I'm sorry for pain I didn't know I caused you" routine is another example of absolving herself. Non-admission of guilt but the empty apology to project the sensitive, caring image. Nice. She uses a lot of abstracts, honing in on certain buzzwords to create the selfless image. They're noticeable because it reeks of art instead of initiating real conversation. In it she downplays her wrongdoings ('pain I've caused you' - no specifics which she claims not to know) while playing up her own supposed efforts ('integrity', 'character', 'healing', 'truth'). I also love the helpless routine in 'handing it over to G-d' but there is no evidence of apology for any wrongdoing or character flaws on her part. If G-d gave her some kind of revelation on her behavior knowing it has offended others (you included), she ought to name it and apologize for at least that specific thing!
Her letter is a monologue. If she is confused as to 'why' she has offended you, why are there no questions? This isn't seeking reconciliation, she is directing you to say what she wants to hear.
Reading the letter almost made me puke! I've had very similar "letters" written to me on behalf of the N. And yes, I do keep them, and in fact am reading one at the moment. How uncanny the two seem. They reek of all the twisted narcissistic traits, totally void of truth, depth, and any ounce of integrity. So glad the nasty web has been broken.
If there is one thing your sister's letter did for me it was to reinforce PRECISELY why I am SO GLAD to be away from this. It is almost laughable. Is there some club they all belong to? She uses the very same words, phraseology, and overall pathetic tenor that my mother uses. No kidding! Same vomit and drivel.
I feel like I need a shower. Like I need to wipe the "ickyness" off of me. YUCK!!!!!
What is wrong with these people?? EEEWWWW...
Thank God we are free, eh?
oOo.. how fantabulously original. do n's all come from the same mold, or something? i swear they're made with the same program.. wording and all. funnnnyy.
anon @ 3:04 -- i love your analysis. spoooooot on. =]
anna- very, VERY interested in your reply. will be read from top to bottom here, without a doubt!!
impatiently waiting,
h.
I just want to know if all MNs are given a frelling handbook or what. I'm anxious to read your reply.
Once again, the timing of your posts is eerily great for addressing situations happening in my own life.
Thank you again for starting this blog.
I just want to know if all MNs are given a frelling handbook
S'cuse me while I go A.D.D. on you. Are you a Farscape fan? Just taking note of the Farscape version of the "f" word. My family and I liked the series when it was running. We liked their swear words too. Firefly has some fun new swear words too.
As to the handbook of MNs...yeah, they receive their core curricula from the big guy himself. The Devil. I'm only half kidding.
The thing that gets me with these 'apologies', you can say anything in an email, it's what you DO that makes the difference.
My husband (who has an N mother and sister) and I (N mother and sister), have always been completely gobsmacked at how genuinely caring families will bend over backwards to rush to your side if you are suffering some trauma, or having a celebration for that matter (take note evil relatives who refused to come to my wedding, and couldn't have given a @#$% about the birth of my children) or come to your aid emotionally or physically at the drop of a hat, if they find out you need help.
N families, on the other hand, are so damn POMPOUS about how much they care, yet the actual physical evidence of that is either microscopic or non-existent. If sister dearest actually felt all these deeply superficial feelings, she would DO something about it. LIke...gee, I dunno, maybe, visit you and tell you in person, after she has cried all over your boots for being such a toerag. But that doesn't happen, won't ever happen.
Words are powerful, but as with everything else, N's manage to reduce them to cheap meaningless symbols, useful only because of the emotional impact they have on the reader, and not for the import they have for the writer.
I have to admit though, I can understand how you would like to flex your literary muscles along with your understanding of what is going on here when you write her a reply. Yes, aiming the cunningly crafted retort email and hitting a bullseye (or any other part of the bull's anatomy) is a very satisfying sport.
Take her down Anna.
Dear Anna,
Your sister's letter doesn't fool any of us for one second.
I wish you could know how oddly, eerily, bizzarely similar my parents have sounded when they emailed me . . . "What have we done? It's all you, you're the unhappy struggling grudge-holding unreasonable one!" . . . of course, all of that has come from my father, since my Nmother is too superior to communicate with me and has cut me off altogether. All she wants now are my children, to have communication just with them, without interference from me or my husband.
As if.
They are all cut from the same cloth, and thank God for the strength we can find in each other. After a lifetime of this crap, I am so hungry for the truth. For honor. For straightforward communication. And when I find it, I take pure joy in it.
From what I can perceive, there isn't one iota of truth or honor in your sister's letter.
--L.E.
Wow - this letter reminds me of the letter I received from the N's I cut off in my life - eerily similar. Full of non-apologies as someone else commented. Also - the utter lack of responsibility just make me sick - so everything is offered up to God and its all up to him/her to fix? I'm fairly certain that even religious people need some sort of accountability. Looking forward to reading your response - as I never responded to the trash that was sent me - figured there was no point.
Anna - I so wish you could slice & dice her but you know its going to be lost on the empty N-brain in her head.
Sorry I don't have much to add other than I need to go hose the sh*t off my hipboots after reading her letter.
Sincere? Anna... snap out of it! ;)
In light of our differences of both personality and experiences, I know we will always have things we cannot agree on. But please do not use it as an excuse to stop loving me.
Translation: First of all, it's not me, it's both of us. Second of all, it is now you because you won't love me anymore. Third of all, to love me means to acknowledge your differences from me and your indifference to our differences which is causing your estrangement from me.
Please let me know what I have done because I want no offenses to be between us any longer.
Translation: Tell me how and where I hurt you so I can twist the knife even more, which will only be your fault for being such a tool in the first place.
I do not hold any illusions that we will go back to being close. I know too much time has been allowed for festering of pain and old wounds do not heal easily. I am simply requesting an opportunity to make amends to my sister whom I dearly love.
Translation: See how wordy and full of poetic nuance I am? Really, how come you are not falling at me feet over my words? I'm telling you that you have to tell me what exactly I did to you, you overly sensitive insensitive sup..I mean, sis.
Gee, I think I've received this same letter from my Dad. How do N's end up regurgitating the same tripe? This is nothing but platitude soup boiled in a broth of pseudo-Christianity. Perhaps they swap this recipe after pot-luck dinners at the Church of Laodicea.
These N's must think they are so clever when they write this crap. If she felt an ounce of contrition she would hunt you down to the corners of the earth to make amends. My wife comes from a perfectly normal family. They rarely have conflicts but when they do they just talk it out and get over it. I suppose that's how normal families operate. In the worse case they can simply agree to disagree and move on.
I am impatiently awaiting your reply so I can know what was so wrong about your sister's letter.
I am close to persuaded it is I who am the narcissist.
I am close to persuaded it is I who am the narcissist.
I hope you're basing your preliminary judgment on yourself on something more substantive than feeling yourself persuaded by my sister's letter. I daresay that every commenter would admit there was a time in their life my sister's words would have been persuasive. There was a time I was successfully manipulated by words like hers.
So, again, I hope you're basing your concern on something other than this.
Enilina, you totally cracked me up. As well as impressed me with your insight.
Everyone, you have all entertained me and really impressed me. Ya'll are very savvy shoppers. I see that you peeps are very well equipped against the silly little games Ns play. Go team!!
I wish I could respond individually to each of your great comments, but time is limited today. I'm sure ya'll want me to take my limited time and apply to getting my letter posted sometime today. I really want you all to know that all of you are very on top of the N game. And you're funny too. Thanks for sharing your impressions. They're great!
I am still somewhat persuaded by letters or spoken words like these, so this is really helpful to me. I can feel that it is not right, but it would probably succeed in making me feel guilty and I wouldn't be able to think of a good response to the N. I am looking forward to your reply!
"I know you have moved to XXXXX for [husband's] work and I hope you like it there." As an opener, lets agree to pretend you didn't move to flee an abusive family, shall we? La, la la...
"I do so wish you would tell me so I could offer you a specific apology directed to the specific pain I have caused you." I need facts, dammit! How else can I improvise a way to devalue you and your claims? Throw me a bone here!
"The thought of you hurting because of something I have done is a terrible thing." Cause, damn girl - I miss that supply! And supply is a terrible thing to lose!
"I know it has been a lifelong struggle for you to love and understand me." If you were better at this relationship stuff, you wouldn't have had to struggle so hard. In fact, let me walk you through it...
"I saw there was truth in it and I wanted to really give it my complete attention." Because how else was I gonna rewrite it my way? It took my complete attention to come up with a plausible strategy to regain ground, once I saw that you were on to me!
"I am so sorry that I did this to you." Boy, that was hard to type with crossed fingers behind my back, but hey - more proof of my superiority!
"I struggled with this reveal of my character for many months before I realized it was a matter of surrender to God." Jeez, I tried everything before I realized this was really my only out. It took me months! I'm kind of slow!
"It was a spiritual matter that only God could address for any lasting success." Speaking of, thank God it's not ME who has to address this! I don't have the time! I need all my "complete attention" for wriggling out of the truths you keep pointing out!
"In light of our differences of both personality and experiences, I know we will always have things we cannot agree on." Like for instance, you don't like being abused - and I like abusing! Let's agree to disagree, because our love is bigger then all that!
"I do not hold any illusions that we will go back to being close." In fact, it is the last thing I want. I don't want to risk being close with anyone who is on to me. What I DO want is the illusion of closeness, otherwise people might actually think I drove you out of my life. I know - that is so crazy! So, I want you back - but on my terms: sort of like an ornamental family member. Agreed?
Anna
a. You have explained the source of your hurt very clearly, multiple times so I don't know how or why your sister can sit there and say that she doesn't know what the problem is. She has known all along and didn't want to change until you put your foot down. And - it puts the blame on you because if you didn't tell her what the problem is then she never had the chance to change.
b. She admits to having character flaws and then says not to use it as an EXCUSE to cut her off. Again - she is putting the blame on you.
c. Saying that she is waiting for God to heal the sucky parts of her character. - If she doesn't change if she does N type things that hurt you well its God's fault because he hasn't healed her fast enough.
d. Also she says she doesn't know what the problem is and then says that she knows there were numerous hurts over the years?
Its subtle, its oh so subtle and if you didn't know the back story anyone would think you are the sucky sister. BTW my N also wrote me a similar letter. I sent her many letters explaining what she had done and how her actions had violated me. She responded by saying ........."I don't understand why you are so angry with me. Just tell me what I've done wrong." then afew months after I went NC she sent me an email with the lyrics for Alanis Morrissette's song the grudge. which basically is a song about a friend who is being crushed by the weight of the grudge she is holding. Ironically when she sent it I was doing better than I had in a long time and ignored it.
Ugh, that religious reliance on God made me feel sick. We should not expect Him to change us. We are responsible for changing ourselves.
The first part wasn't too bad still nauseating but the last, aaargh. I don't think that I can eat for awhile.
Garfield
I see it, not as reliance on God changing her, but blaming God if others don't think she's changed. She is essentially saying that she's turned her case over to God, therefore, if I don't like what she is...it isn't her fault. Ns love to appeal to the endless process of their transformation of character. No one is right to expect the process to ever come to fruition.
blech.
Religious Ns are an especially revolting species. I don't blame you for feeling like going off your feed for awhile.
Also Anna,
I was wondering if you could write something about the effect on the victims character by being raised by a narcissist.
I definitely have some skewed ideas by listening to my mother for so long and thank goodness I finally realized she needs to be in a psychiatric ward.
For example: I used to say sorry all the time (still do sometimes hard to kick the habit) until someone kindly told me I said sorry too much. My response "Sorry, oh uh Sorry. I mean sorry" They kind of just looked at me sadly. Finally shut my mouth lol.
Example: I used to just agree or say whatever you want not realizing that say things like that is downright annoying and demeaning to the other person. My friend was kind enough to point that out to me and now I am avoiding saying such things and trying to be more assertive.
Unfortunately victims raised by their abusers can acquire many of their abusive techniques without even knowing it. Are there any other things that I might do often that drive other people crazy due to my odd upbringing? I definitely want to find out and fix it before I drive someone else crazy.
TCON,
Garfield
Funny! Because we can see right through that letter. On the surface she's apologizing but in essence she's putting the blame on God!?!
She thinks she's so smart doesn't she?
Nancy
To:
Anonymous
May 16
11:33:00 A.M.
Bullseye
Right-on
EXACTLY
I do find it amusing that she has now committed all her faults to God to fix her. So yeah, if you still find any fault with her, it's obviously God's fault.
Isn't that blasphemous to blame God for your own errors?
Of course, that also relieves her of any responsibility to actively do anything to fix her wrongness. She can now just sit like a lump. Reminds me of the story where a person stuck on the roof of a house in a flood is sure God will rescue him/her, so he/she turns away a boat and a helicopter, and when he/she dies and complains to God that He didn't save him/her, God says, "I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
Man! I find this letter SSOOO disgusting! It's so full of bullcrap, lies, self-rigteousness, devalidation, victim blaming, pathologising and projection (and even more crap) that I couldn't read more than the first sentence! How she ever managed to fit so much crap in the first sentence is beyond me, but she did! YUCK!!!
Soooo, it took her two years to come up with this steaming pile of religosity? BWHAHAAAA!!! Supply must be running low on her end!
Yep, that will so NOT "work," but her consistent hubris-and character-are once again on full display. You mentioned in one of your previous posts how your MN "Mother" played the waiting game after some odious transgression where she knew she had been busted. NSis is employing one of the same tactics of your MN "mother," the oh-so-convenient "Delete" and hope like hell time will magically delete your experiences. The "Tell me MORE!" of Nsis's ridiculous effort is another transparent attempt to press for more dirt to fashion into a mud pie for her infinite Projection machine.
She has STILL failed to recognize you can mud wrestle Reality and all's ya get is dirtier while Reality stands in impeccable and unassailably clean Truth.
Since everyone else has done a great job of putting this piece of crap through their MN Translator, I'm just gonna add the lines that really necessitated the barf bag for me: "I have STRUGGLED with the REVEAL OF MY CHARACTER" and I came up empty handed again. So lemme tell ya all about it-in yet more nauseating detail so I can stick it on YOU, "my dear sister." And this one, another winnah ;) "...God, who is the only one who can heal and RESTORE MY CHARACTER."
You spoke in a previous Post about "rehabilitation." And in the same vein, the assumption there was actually something to "REhabilitate TO," there is nothing here to be "RE-stored." Just stored up for future use and abuse
much like the faux plea to let her know *specifically* what she's done-so she can do it AGAIN and HARDER.
Hubris: I've never met an MN without it. You've told her repeatedly she's on thin ice but she continues to fall through it anyway by her own volition.
Consequently, she can drown in it by her own volition/CHARACTER as well.
TW
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