Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Sister's May 17, 2008 Email


One of the first thoughts I had when I read this newest email was, "why didn't she send me this email a week ago?" Her email below would have had a very different effect on me if I hadn't been treated to her email of May 10th which stands in sharp contrast. Two letters. Two very different realities. They can't both be reality because they are so fundamentally different. Thankfully, they arrived in the order they did because if she had come to me with this last email first I would have been tempted to believe in her sincerity.

I am so tired of my sister right now with all the thought and effort that has gone into dealing with her that I'm not anxious to do much parsing of her email. I'm going to insert some comments into her missive, but certainly not to the extent I could. You all are smart and have enough background on the situation to see things without me pointing it out line by line. I'll put my comments in [brackets] and this color. Like you wouldn't be able to tell the difference if I made no demarcation. I crack me up. It is my neat streak.


***********************************

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:26:27

Dear Anna,

Thank you for taking the time to answer my email and risk opening up old scars. It has been a help in understanding how you feel and where you are coming from. I am sorry for the meanness and disrespect I have shown you in the past. I am especially sorry that I have not been someone you could trust and that i have manipulated and forced you into my way of thinking so many times. I realize that it is degrading and disrespectful. I realize that I would force you to accept my view points while ignoring yours. Then I would turn the knife in even further by demanding that you not only see my view point but agree with my view point. I wouldn't stop there, I was not content until you would be excited about my viewpoint...all the while totally ignoring your feelings. For all this I am truly sorry. I did the same to [her husband] and he told me how dehumanized he felt when I did this to him. This all the more confirmed in my mind, the truthfulness of what you were saying. Please forgive me.

[Notice how intentional all this behavior she describes is. The intentional nature of her underhanded dealings with me has been completely denied in all her previous emails including the email she sent only one week earlier. Also, she really loves to believe she is all powerful in her relationships. Dehumanizing? My sister has never had the power to "dehumanize me". Or to force me into her opinions if I was unwilling to be moved. What an ego.]

I did want you to be excited to meet K [her biological daughter]. I did disregard what you had said about wanting to meet her later after she turned 18. I thought I could convince you otherwise and I tried to do so. I didn't think your reasons were valid and that by giving you more "information" I could have things turn out the way I wanted them to. I am sorry that I did not allow you to have your own opinion on this matter. I am sorry I tried to convince you that you were incorrect. I should have just said okay. But true to form, I pushed. And you felt devalued and manipulated. I am so sorry. I apologize for this and I was wrong not to just accept what you said. You had every right to be angry and hurt.

[Again, she finally is admitting to the deliberate nature of her behavior and words in 2006. Something she has denied up to this moment.]

You asked me to own up to when I purposely tried hurting you. I remember in my teen years being very angry with you. This was a time in my life when I really was trying to hurt you. I was so resentful of you. I know I put you down and would dig at you. I think I wanted to even humiliate you. I know I wanted to punish you. I was horrible. You already felt degraded and humiliated and trapped in a life you really didn't choose for yourself and there I was trying to make you feel worse. It was evil. I apologize to you for this. I am so sorry. It was cruel and wrong. I was selfish and self righteous and I am so sorry. I know i couldn't have treated you worse because my digs were sly and subtle, probably leaving you to feel like, "did she really mean that". I can only imagine how awful I made you feel. Please forgive me.

[She obviously has a pretty good memory on how she treated me back then. Why am I only now getting this apology?? We've been on the topic of her rebellious teen years on many occasions. Never once did she think to apologize for how she treated me. Not once. The focus was always on her pain and angst.]

Rebellion has been an issue in my life. I can remember being three years old and deciding that mom's way of doing things and ascribing motives and judgments to my actions was wrong. My act of rebellion to this was to disrespect her requests and demands of me. I realize that my rebellion was a sin. It had terrible consequences. And it hurt others. You were hurt in my acts of rebellion. I was so wrong. I was wrong to mom but especially to you, an innocent bystander. As an adult looking back on this I know you are right. I was shielded by you. You did so much to protect me. Thank you and I am sorry that my selfish rebellion caused you so much hurt and resentment.

[I've heard all this from her before minus the part where she admits I was directly affected by the sins of her youth. This is supposed to be one of her recent revelations, yet she talked to me about this when we were still in contact. All her insights and revelations from God that have supposedly changed her completely in these last two years are old scripts!]

I know I put you into the role of mother. I am sorry. It is not a role you asked for or ever felt comfortable with. It was unfair to you. You were a child and needed a nurturing mother yourself. I am so sorry you never had that. I accept your rejection of that role and I agree with you.
I am sorry my paraphrase offended you. It was not accurate, I can see that. I should have said that after your statement, it was the question I asked myself. And God eventually revealed the answer to me. The root was an issue of abandonment and rejection that controlled my life. [emphasis mine]

[Highlighted above, she presents this as a reason for her youthful rebellion. From what I can tell it is the human condition to fear abandonment and rejection. I have observed that some of the most badly behaving human beings are the ones with the biggest issues of abandonment. They know their behavior should earn them abandonment and rejection yet they persist in being vile. They test us with great frequency. Sister had no particular reason to have these fears. She was the wanted child. I was the unwanted one. She was the petted and spoiled child. I was the work-horse and sometimes the whipping boy. Rather than treat people the right way to avoid what she feared most, she acts like a bitch and expects everyone to hang in there with her. I see this confession as self-serving, as an excuse, as a big red sign of her narcissism.]

I know you said that this wasn't the main issue you were interested in addressing but it has everything to do with all the issues you addressed. God showed me that.

["See? It is really all about me, my issues, my childhood fears." No matter what, she always circles back to making everything about her. Oh, yeah, and she has a hot line to God's desk. She always works that one into her emails.]

No, it is not a work of a lifetime. I only had to live with it so long because in my stubbornness and rebellion I was unwilling to release it and submit to God for the healing. But when I did, He healed me. He changed my mind in a miraculous way and all the screwed up ways I think and see things was shown to me. You are right. I have been a terrible person and a horrible sister to you. I apologize for that most of all. My driving need for your validation was more important to me than your need to be authentic and free to hold your own opinion. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I am sorry that I never showed you the love you deserve. I did not take responsibility for my actions and decisions because I was afraid of being abandoned or rejected because of it. It controlled me entirely. I was wrong. I am asking for your mercy and forgiveness.

[Using words like "terrible" and "horrible" are ways narcissists pretend to be sorry. I call it "horribilizing". It is a frequent tactic of drama queens of which both my mother and sister are. Using phrases like "terrible person" and "horrible sister" sound like an admission but it lacks content. Then she reduces her "terrible" and "horrible" behaviors to her "driving need for validation" and her fears "of being abandoned and rejected." In other words, "I was horrible, but I was suffering. Can't you see my pain?" She is still playing a victim role. She is still not confronting head on what she has done. Least of all, who she is.]

I have given God the authority over my life. He has set me free from the fears that controlled me and caused me to take a very good long look at myself. I can see why you feel the way you do. I finally can see the me you have described. I am willing to look at more and take responsibility for my actions. So, you talked about my "lies" and whoppers. I don't know what you are referring to. But if you want to tell me, I want to know. In fact, if there are any other specific actions that I have done which are an offense to you, I want to know. This is not a game to me. I do not think that if I play it right I get my sister back. You have made it very clear that ship has sailed long ago. I do not think that if I hold up under my "punishment" steadfastly, that suddenly you will change your mind. What I want is to own up to what I have done. I want to acknowledge your hurts and resentments and anything I have done to you that is still a clear memory you have. I want no more hard feelings and resentment to exist between us.

Love,
D

***********************************

I deal with most of what she says in the last paragraph in my response to her. I'll point out a few other things here that I didn't in my response to her. First of all, notice how she uses the past tense to describe her being "healed" and "set free from my fears that controlled me". In the past she "took a very good long look at myself". If she was truly reformed at some point in the past wouldn't that have been reflected in her email of one week earlier???

Secondly, I see her on another fishing expedition. She wants to perfect her game. "Me? Lie? When have I ever lied??" If I sat down and pointed out every single lie I can see in her emails to me all I would do is enable her to hone her skills of deception. Kind of like the psychopath in psychotherapy. You just make a slicker, more adept psychopath as they get tips handed to them on how to better manipulate normal, decent human beings. I'm not interested in improving her game.

She is also wanting to feed. Since I won't let her into my life to latch onto a vein, she can be happy with a recounting of all the past pain she has caused me. She can live on my recitations of past abuses and know I was hurt enough when she did it that I can still remember them. Which she would assume is still causing me pain. There is much supply to be found there.


She persists in talking about my hard feelings, hurts and resentments. She has not hinted even once in any of her emails that she harbors any resentments toward me. So when she offers to confess to whatever I lay in front of her so there are no "hurts and resentments between us" she is obviously talking about
my hurts and resentments. She has not admitted to having any herself. She continues to presume to know my mind. She reduces our problems to me being stuck in my hurts and resentments. This is a minimization tactic and subtle blame-shifting. It is also coming from her sense of superiority. She has turned over her rebellion and fears to God and has been healed. Wouldn't I like to be healed too? I am supposed to see that my healing resides in her. She is more than willing to provide the salve my soul needs.

Ugggh, she is disgusting to me.


Another thing on this "hurts and resentments" theme she always boomerangs back to. She has brought it up in every single email since Apr. 1, 2006. I have refuted it each and every time. She acts like I never said a thing about my true state of mind and goes back to talking about my "hurts" and "pain" and "resentments". How is this different than what she describes about her behaviors in the past with me where she would ignore what I have said, try to force me to agree with her, dismissing what I say as invalid, pushing to give me more "information" so I'll accept her viewpoint, etc.? She is still doing this crap in her apology email! She is apologizing for doing this very thing...yet, she hasn't stopped doing it! This is largely how she does it. Mostly by omission and by ignoring what I've said explicitly. Acting like I never said it. This was a significant part of how she behaved when I told her I didn't want to meet her bio daughter until the kid was older. She primarily fought by this sneaky way of pretending I never said what I said.

This apology email is more significant in what she chooses to continue to ignore. This is how she can avoid being confrontational. When she doesn't agree with what I've said then it is like I never said it. She, the princess of needy validation, withholds validation at every turn from me. I am glad for more proof that she is unchanged and unchangeable.

Lastly, on this subject of my supposed "hurts and resentments", I think my sister is projecting onto me her own state of mind. She would never admit this to herself let alone to me. A narcissist can not fathom how the mind of a normal and decent person works. They do not believe it is possible to act as I am acting, by cutting her out of my life and saying what I've said, and that not come from a place of pure hatred and seething rage. They can't conceptualize how we are able to happily move on without even thinking about them. They think about us all the time. And they are not charitable thoughts. I am sure she would love to have some kind of pretended reconciliation with me so that she could lay in wait for any opportunity to punish me for these last two years. The hard feelings and resentments are in her heart, not mine. I'm happily moving on with scarcely a thought of her. She certainly doesn't stir up my emotions when I think about her at times when I'm not having to deal directly with her. She, finally, has admitted to the anger, resentment, hostility and desire to punish me back when she was a teen simply because I left home. My leaving was not a personal act against her. Yet she acted like it was. Now I have rejected her personally. What is the chance that old nasty teen narcissist wouldn't still want to get a piece of me when she could if she had access to me? Small, small chance given that she is essentially unchanged in character from what she was back then.

I do not regret having written her back last week. Now that this little drama has worked its way through I am thankful for what has happened. Ever since I started writing about my relationship with my sister I have expressed my internal conflict. Not knowing for sure if she is a narcissist. I feel I have gotten all the proof I need. I can go on from here knowing that I never need to exchange one more word with her.

In none of my previous letters to her did I shut the door forever on her. This is why she felt bold enough to write me after two years. Even though I told her I would be the one to decide when to contact she, of course, disregarded that. All she knew is that I dangled a piece of hope in front of her two years ago when I signed off. This has been rectified. In my response sent yesterday I told her to never contact me again. Yes, I fully expect she will disregard my command at some point in the future. It doesn't matter. What I've made clear is that I will not respond if she does. She will only get deafening silence from me from here.


The reason I was willing to engage her in this latest round of emails is because I am safe. She has no power to get any further into my life than I allow. It is easy enough to shut down her only avenue to me ... email. She can't force me to engage with her any more than I am willing. She has no power over the quality of my life.
Because I had left her two years ago with some hope that she may someday make it back into my life I was willing to see where this latest communication would go. I knew at some point she would need to be vetted. My own sense of fairness didn't allow me two years ago to completely slam the door shut because I wasn't yet sure what she is. She has kindly provided that proof. I never again will feel she deserves another chance to prove herself. She is tested and proven. She has been weighed ... and found wanting.

I will engage in a bit of speculation which is based on nothing more than a hunch. One of my first thoughts when she emailed me on May 10th was that there is something big going on in her life right now. It could be marital problems up to and including a possible divorce. Perhaps she is again having serious health issues. Maybe one of our parents is having a serious health issue. I suspect she was trying to gain some kind of relationship with me now so that in the near future she could try to obligate me to do what she thinks I should do in whatever crisis is pending.


Like I said, this is speculation on my part because she obviously didn't even hint at any of this. I know how she thinks. I have had several conversations with her when we've talked about my mother's 2,400 sq. ft. house that is crammed packed with years of her stuff. Mother is a pack rat. My sister would talk about our having to deal with all that crap when my mom dies. Sister would then become authoritative, "I know I won't be dealing with it alone. You will help me. We are in this together. I'm not going to be miserable alone...etc." She said this several times, and it was after I had cut off contact with my parents. In times of family 'crisis' my sister is always the issuing the orders. My sister has been issuing orders since she was around three years old. Bossiness is one of her most prominent features and has been all her life.

I am very sure she will still try to contact me in the future with some kind of order, "Your mother is dying and in the hospital. She wants to see you. I'm sure you will give her her dying wish if you consider yourself a Christian." All such communications will go unacknowledged by me. They all deserve each other. They can rot in their misery without me.


So much for not doing much parsing. Sheesh. I'm so verbose.

The last installment of this recent saga will be my much more brief final email to sister.

23 comments:

Katherine Gunn said...

Hmm... what stands out to me is the idea that KNOWS she has hurt you - detailed list - and yet, somehow, it is YOUR responsibility to restore the 'relationship.' Blech!

NymphadoraL said...

Like Katherine above noted, she obviously knows what she did, and how she did it - she's very clear on that. What she doesn't seem to get, however, is that she is still endlessly focusing on herself and holding a monolog. There is a glaring lack of her actually ASKING "Are you willing to forgive me? Are you willing to even have a relationship?”, and then HEARING the answer, and ACCEPTING it. Yes, bleccch.

krl said...

Lordee, Anna! I could never in a milliontrillion years take that email apart like you did. However, though I might have been taken in by the possibility of true repentence, contriteness, sincerity.....I am POSITIVE that I would have simply thanked God (under my breath) for a possible change of heart in her....but would NOT have pursued establishing a further relationship. Some things are just OVER. Victimization by an N is one of those things. Justice can only be served in the form of NC. It is a consequence rightly served. It isn't a decision to be made based on feelings and emotions.(though it may be fraught with feelings and emotions, no doubt.)

The wonder of reading your blog...how you say what you say when you say it....is that I am even MORE aware that this stuff is waayyyy the hellll BIGGER than I am. I do not possess the tools or the ability to tackle any of it head on. But, I DO know Right from Wrong....and I am learning enough to validate my heart, to strengthen my resolves, and to identify The Enemy before it gets its foot in my door. And I do NOT even owe an explanation for my "NO"...nor do I need to 'hear them out'.....nor be 'fair'. I just DON'T WANT TO.

It means the world to me, Anna, that you would take the time to break this down for us...blow by blow...putting it all in 'pictures' I can understand. What just kills me is that this is (was) 'personal' to you. It is YOUR family....it is a REAL 'situation'....not some example. It can't feel very good to wade through it all again. I know you are a strong person...but hell'sbells, aren't you exhausted from it? Well...whatever....bravo to you....hooray for us....and thank you deeply for this 'sacrifice' of time and energy.

krl

Anonymous said...

Anna, I have to back you on your speculation. What has stood out for me through out your email saga is that your sister is trying to slither back in because she wants and needs from you. It's all about her. I'm guessing she wouldn't give you a second thought if her life was all sunshine and lolipops.

My maligant N Mother contacted her sister after 20 years only because she was going through a divorce and looking for some sympathy. The evil bitch never even mentioned her sister (my Aunt). In fact, the demented witch went happily on with her life without a thought for her sibling until she needed something from her. They live in different countries so my N Mom called her sister, bled her dry, and once she got her supply never contacted her again.

My Malignant N sister is way too arrogant and evil to ever admit on paper any of her wrong doings. However, she has left me smarmy phone messages that disgusted me. When I was in contact with her briefly after 17 years what struck me was her desperate need to have me share in the burdens of her life. I know with certainty that if she was living well she would have no use for me.

Anna, you have described your sister as lazy. So is mine. I too was the resident slave and sacrficial lamb in my N family. My N sister is pathological and I witnessed her buy plastic dinner ware on my parent's credit cards to avoid doing dishes... And they thought she was so hard done by. Hah! My N mothers is lazy ass hag too.

Heads-up: My experience with lazy N bitches is that they are always plotting to get others to do their dirty work.

I think your sister's emails have absolutely nothing to do with you. Like all N's she has a personal agenda.

Anonymous said...

These are the only two times this person has contacted you in 2 years? She shows not an ounce of natural curiosity about where you live, your own family, how you are doing these days or what has been going on in your life.

Someone who truly missed another person in their life would be eager to have all these questions answered.

I also totally agree with the idea of a short reply after that first great big smackdown. She probably is so eagerly anticipating milking the topic of her 'repentance' now for an ongoing hobby.

Thank you for posting all this - it is amazingly helpful in terms of getting perspective about N's and their subterfuges and sudden conversions/revelations by seeing it as an observer instead of as a participant.

Naive No Longer said...

Well Anna, the chapter regarding your sister is now closed. And rightfully so.

Question for you with respect to something you brought up:

"Your mother is dying and in the hospital. She wants to see you."

This is something I haven't really allowed myself to think about too much yet. But as our parents age, this is an issue that we are going to have to contend with.

You intimated that you still would remain no contact. This is a weighty issue that I would really appreciate hearing your thought process on - whether it be here in the comments section or a dedicated posting to the topic. That is, if you would like to share.

Anonymous said...

Anna, your analytical abilities and ability to read the nature of Ns is simply amazing!!

Your sister shows no interest on any level in you, just in appeasing herself. Good call on going totally NC!!!

Anna Valerious said...

What she doesn't seem to get, however, is that she is still endlessly focusing on herself and holding a monolog.

An excellent observation concisely stated.

Anonymous said...

"She is also wanting to feed"
How desparate they become
She thinks she's got you in view, maybe ever so close to one sticky strand of her diabolic web
Licking her chops
ready to roll you And suck the living
life
right out of you
NOT GONNA HAPPEN
to you or any one of us
peace out

Anonymous said...

The world according to your sister: No hard feelings!

Anna Valerious said...

...I am even MORE aware that this stuff is waayyyy the hellll BIGGER than I am. I do not possess the tools or the ability to tackle any of it head on.

'A woman's gotta know her limitations' to adapt Clint Eastwood to gender. :o) I tell you what, my sister's last letter greatly unsettled me. I was highly disturbed at how she shifted her game on a dime--and how she was honing in much tighter on her target. My heart. I knew that my day's of "parleying with the devil", to use a 19th century term, were over. I am not filled with endless confidence on my abilities to deal with the lying, sneaky snake-creatures that my mother and sister are. When the truth is no obstacle for someone they are truly dangerous to someone with a conscience and a heart. The very reason I restricted contact to writing with these women was so I could give my brain the time to deal with their slimy lies and inconsistencies. When it is on the phone or in person it can be well nigh to impossible to resist their hypnotic games of diversion. The only hope I have to pinning their asses down is if I can hold them to words on paper.

One of my biggest concerns with sister's last two letters was how she was following the Christian formula for gaining someone's forgiveness. Well, she was using the language, but she couldn't paper over her insincerity and continued lies. But I got the definite sense she was following a formula. It felt like a set-up. A set-up for her to reform her self-image and her image among her friends. She can show them her letters as proof of her 'humility', her contrite apologies, her willingness to apologize for anything else I may bring to her, how she offered to make restitution. As was pointed out by the commenter "nymphadoral" my sister was not having a dialog with me. It was a monologue. I believe it most definitely was a monologue...and it was intended to be proof to herself and her friends that she is faultless because she has done everything a repentant person is supposed to do. I am the bad person who isn't a good Christian because I would not accept her "sincere" efforts. Like it is stated many times over at 'Luke 17:3 Ministries', no where does the Bible say we have to reconcile after we've forgiven someone. Narcissists love to pretend that if their victims offer forgiveness then that means the victim has to then continue a relationship as proof of that forgiveness.

I didn't offer my sister forgiveness. Even though that makes me look hard. She and I both know she isn't really seeking forgiveness. I'll be damned if I will offer some insincere bitch my forgiveness just to make sure I look Christian. Bah. I do know this. I have taken some of the sweetness out of anything she might have gained by her recent games. The constant cover-up proves she feels shame for her behaviors. I have heaped much more onto that sense of shame for her to have to live with. She feels it. I don't doubt that at all.

In the end it doesn't matter to me if she manages to reform her image of herself by making me look like the hard-hearted bitch. The 'leaves' she has used to cover her nakedness will not suffice in the day of judgment. Convincing herself, her friends, even me, that she is a new creature will not convince God Himself if it is all an act. And it is an act. So I'll let her have her triumph. It will be bitterness in her mouth someday.

Anna Valerious said...

These are the only two times this person has contacted you in 2 years? She shows not an ounce of natural curiosity about where you live, your own family, how you are doing these days or what has been going on in your life.

Someone who truly missed another person in their life would be eager to have all these questions answered.


I'm glad someone noticed this glaring deficit. I most certainly noticed it right off. I did not call her on it for at least a couple reasons. If she had asked about my life, I would have told her to mind her own business. Another reason was because this has been true between us for years. Nothing new about this lack of sincere interest in my life. Thirdly, she probably knows I would shut off all inquiry into my life so I would just look bitchy by pointing out to her that she never asks about my life.

That being said, I think it would have been possible for her to show some kind of interest in my life and well-being without looking like she was pushing for information on me. This very obvious lack of interest in my well-being is just another proof she kindly provided of what a self-centered creep she still is.

Anna Valerious said...

What has stood out for me through out your email saga is that your sister is trying to slither back in because she wants and needs from you. It's all about her. I'm guessing she wouldn't give you a second thought if her life was all sunshine and lolipops.

Yup, I'd say you're right about that. There have been many long periods where I haven't heard from my sister throughout our adult lives. Then she'd call out of the blue and fill me in on her latest crisis. She would milk all the sympathy should could from me and then I'd get another respite from her. I do appreciate you confirming my hunch. No doubt she has a hidden agenda. I've assumed that from the first.

I think your sister's emails have absolutely nothing to do with you. Like all N's she has a personal agenda.

I have stated in the past on this blog that the actions of the narcissist are not personal. I still believe that even though this is happening to me personally. You are absolutely and totally right in my opinion. I never took any of what she was saying as her showing personal interest in me. Or being about me personally. She has her lusts and she is just going about trying to fulfill them. She is hoping to do so at my expense.

Anna Valerious said...

NNL,

I will think some on your question. I'll get back to you on that. :o)

toni said...

Boy, when the first e-mail arrived I thought of some old vampire movie - it...must....feed. You've got it spot on.

I hadn't gone NC with my family, they essentially did with me... until some problems started cropping up, healthwise with the parents. Then n-sis started being social with me, like nothing. Then the requests began, then the demands, all the while wrapped in a facade of casual normalcy.

Even if there is no immediate crisis, your n-sister may be simply preparing. She definitely needs something from you, and it ain't sisterly love, at least in any form recognizable to a normal person.

What has happened in my case is my help with my parents has been marginalized, despite the enormous amount of work I've done for them.

N-sister is a shell without mother and mother is definitley declining. NS is desperate for supply. She is obsessed with mother and I'm supposed to be too. If I don't answer the phone she keeps calling, this from the one who couldn't be bothered with me for years - gross. (I call back if or when I choose.)
I can sense her frustration.

I believe your sister is most definitely in need of supply for whatever reason, and how amazing and desperate her attempt is - those e-mails reveal that desperation.

Naive No Longer said...

Anna,

I wanted to elaborate a little more. You don't have to post this if you don't want, or you can if you want.

But seriously, have you ever thought about when they die? I ask myself, would I go to the funeral even? I don't know. The thought of everyone glorifying her makes me shudder.

Do you pare it down to the most basic of levels and go out of respect for her sheer humanity? (if that's the right word). That she was a human being who has now died - even though she never lived up to the honor of being called "mother" in any sense?

I have the added evil twist of recovering memories a little over a year ago that had to be buried to ensure my very survival in childhood. What she did to me was unconscionable, incomprehensible, and very very sick. All the while having everyone convinced (even me for all those years) that she is the greatest mother. She had counted on the fact that I would keep it repressed. Well, she was wrong.

When it all finally came out, her response has been to employ EVERY tactic that you have exposed here on this blog. Your blog was instrumental in helping maintain my sanity throughout it all. SHE is the victim. SHE is the one who has done all the Christain things to try to reconcile with me and and is ever appearing to be the wronged mother who is all too willing to forgive her wayward daughter who has so injured her with false accusations. And because she is such a good actress, she has everyone convinced. Of course, I appear to be the one that everyone is perplexed at. The implicit message is: Look at your mother, SHE is doing all the right things despite how you've injured you. We just don't understand how you can be so cold. Look at HER and HER suffering....

It is sick.

But my mother is soooo good. She has everyone fooled. She is the epitome of success, intelligence, Godliness, etc. She was recently the keynote speaker at a Full Gospel Bussinessmen's Luncheon and the topic was "Suffering". Oh brother. She used the event to talk about herself (of course) and how her number one daughter has rejected and hurt her and how she is not going to allow this to be used as an instrument of the devil (oh,brother) and is making a choice rise above it (how noble) and do the right thing by forgiving me and loving me despite it all. (Vomit).

In my mind, this is as evil as what she originally did to me and I will no longer stick around for it.

But getting back to her death . . .hmmm. Not sure what I will do or not do. That is why I wondered if you had thought these things through.

Katherine Gunn said...

NNL~

Hmm... yeah, my uncle has stated emphatically that he will not go to his sister's (my Nmom) funeral. I don't know if I will. I guess it depends on how the relationships with the rest of the family are doing at that time. Funerals are for the living, after all.

*Shaking head*

The last time I saw my Nmom, about a month ago, she made that comment that 'sometimes, Satan tries to convince us that he has stolen something from us forever. But he hasn't!' She was referring to being able to come see me. Yeah, it is sick.

So, what IS in a heart? said...

"Bossiness is one of her most prominent features and has been all her life."

I absolutely DESPISE people like and am willing to do whatever it takes(or what works) to get rid of them. I don't blame you for finally slamming the door on her.

Good thing she isn't stalking you though or doing "schemes" from afar. Some people are that sick and willing to do something like that. Pathetic.

So, what IS in a heart? said...

" They all deserve each other. They can rot in their misery without me."

After all, they're "in it together" and dear sister won't have to "suffer alone". She has mommy.

One good blow against some people is to use their own words against them.

Anonymous said...

I didn't even pick up on it when you first mentioned the first letter, but do you think it was significant that she sent you the letter the day before Mother's Day? Is she still in touch with your mother? Maybe it was her Mother's Day present for her to try to reel you in again.

Bonney boys said...

"When the truth is no obstacle for someone they are truly dangerous to someone with a conscience and a heart. The very reason I restricted contact to writing with these women was so I could give my brain the time to deal with their slimy lies and inconsistencies. When it is on the phone or in person it can be well nigh to impossible to resist their hypnotic games of diversion. The only hope I have to pinning their asses down is if I can hold them to words on paper."
This has certainly been true of my interactions with N, the father of my boy. We just went through a huge custody battle, I lost the majority of time to 50/50 placement but now we communicate via email almost exclusively, and I keep it short and I refuse to engage or respond to anything that isn't absolutely pertinent. This has helped my stress level although it hasn't prevented him and his new wife from emailing me several times a week, even while on their honeymoon abroad. Each email is strewn with accusations of my selfishness (for being 15 minutes late. once. when he is habitually late and I never say a word b/c I don't want to engage) and b/c I have a conscience and really don't want to be selfish or inconsistent, I still get momentarily drawn in until I remind myself of the truth of the matter.

Feline Friend said...

Hi Anna.

I have just started reading your blog as I am just learning about narcissism. My mother and sister are narcissists I believe and my father an enabler. My MIL is also a narcissist and it has been through my DHs counselling that their narcissistic traits have been pointed out.

I have been aware of the triangular nature of my mums, sisters and my relationship for years. I recognised their need for control over me and the power play. I also spotted the sadistic nature they appeared to show and their desire to upset me and 'feed' as you put it. Having the 'narcissist' label pointed out to me has allowed me to start reading these blogs and all is becoming clearer.

I also have had periods of no contact but I cannot shake the resentment I feel and I find it hard to accept that I will never have the kind of relationships with them that I think are 'normal'. How do you let that resentment go?

One thing that sprang out at me from your sisters email is that she has given authority over herself to god. My goodness - I cannot believe she actually has the audacity to let you know she plans to blame god for any of her mistakes in the future!!

I will continue with your blog. I hope this post finds you well.... obviously it's about 4 years after the event lol. Best wishes. x

Anna Valerious said...

Feline Friend,

I'm glad you've found the explanation for the relationships you've had with your mother and sisters (and other narcissists) in the concept of narcissism. It is a good thing to finally be able to see the big picture and know that the crazy one t'aint you.

You asked me how to let go of the resentment. Specifically, the resentment of not being able to have the relationships with these people that you'd like to have. I have to admit I haven't had a problem with that. When I ponder it I find it is because I didn't have any lingering expectations of having normal, happy relationships with these people. Perhaps this was aided by the fact that I've been very happily married for years and have a great relationship with my only child, a now grown daughter. I do think my good relationships are fulfilling enough that I don't desire the amorphous, distant and gauzy dream of something better with people who've been such consistent sources of pain in my life. I've always been an extremely pragmatic person and therefore very disinclined to expect people to act differently in the future from how they've behaved consistently in the past. I suppose this means that a very long time ago, long before I knew anything about the term 'narcissism', I knew these people were always going to be a pain in my ass. They've never disappointed me in that expectation, by the way.

I think the mental trap many fall into is this: remembering the good times with the narcissists and thinking there is some way to interact or behave that will allow the relationship to always be the "good times" and avoid the "bad times". Because we've had happy experiences with these people we're tempted to think that it is possible in some way to avoid their cruelty, anger, back-stabbing, etc., if we can only just get it right. Whatever "it" is.

Another mental trap is wishful thinking. You look around and see there are people who have consistently good relationships with their siblings or parents, so you see that it can happen. Why can't it happen for me?? you ask. This is a form of envy and will only make you miserable. It won't help you realize your dream. Drop the envy and focus on your good relationships. Put all your energy into the good relationships. Stop dwelling on what you can't have and be grateful for what you do have. I have blogged on the necessity of gratitude for overcoming the effects of narcissists on your life. It is a highly effective and potent antidote. It works every time someone is motivated to stay focused on gratitude. Gratitude will always oust envy and sadness from a person's life.

Thank you for your best wishes. Yes, I'm doing very well, thank you! Life is good. The sister is a non-factor still. Yay!