I am sure that the faithful readers of Kathy Krajco's blog received the terribly sad news of her unexpected death on May 9, 2008. It was brought to my attention on May 14th by one of the readers of both my and Kathy's blog.
Those of us who know Kathy's work feel the loss very deeply. She has been a clear, compassionate voice for those abused by malignant narcissists. She cut no quarter for the abusers. Her intelligence, breadth of knowledge of her subject, her teaching ability, her scientific mind, her humor, her compassion are seen throughout all her writings. It would be impossible to measure the amount of help and good she has been to people around the world.
I was recently contacted by Barbara who owns the blog "Sanctuary for the Abused". She was a "net friend" of Kathy's and had a warm email relationship with her. Barbara voiced a concern to me that I had been pondering too. What will happen to Kathy's blog? Kathy's main website is available in book form which will help keep it in circulation in the years to come, although I am uncertain about the fate of the main site as well. The outcome of the blog is less certain. Barbara is willing to spend the time going through Kathy's blog archives to pull out articles to re-post on her two blogs with full attribution to Kathy, of course. Barbara has asked me if I will help her with this project. I am more than happy to help as I have been concerned about the loss of Kathy's work.
If any of you have any other suggestions as to how to approach this, please comment.
Barbara posted a memoriam on her site for those of you who may not have gotten the sad news of Kathy's passing before now.
A true heroine has laid down her sword. I pray the Lord will continue to richly bless her work to the benefit of humanity.
"It is much easier to make good men wise than to make bad men good." Henry Fielding, 1749
About Me
- Anna Valerious
- I am an adult child of a narcissist (ACON). Raised in the crucible of malignant narcissism I have a very personal understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is hope beyond the narcissist for the victims of narcissists of which I'm living proof. "No life is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example." At least a narcissist is good for something.
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40 comments:
Anna,
I found out through your blog just a few days ago about Kathy Krajco. It is a terrible loss, and I have been worried about her site. I own a web design company, but my company doesn't deal much with blogs, but if I can offer time, help, server space, money, research, helping you figure out how to move content, please let me know.
I volunteer. Perhaps we can put our heads together to figure out the best way to do this.
I am stunned. Just stunned.
How sad. She did indeed have some great information.
This is something I have wondered about, too. I don't know if her family would be aware and willing to maintain it. That is a completely separate issue.
But her site is set up through Blogger and I have an old site that I set up 3 years ago that I cannot take down. I forgot the password and the email address that it was linked to was no longer active. Argh! I wish I could take it down. I was still deluded in the religious narcissistic Kool-aide thing and it is embarrassing.
But.. it is still there. I can visit it any time I want - just can't access it to modify or take down. I think that the way Blogger works is as long as it is being accessed, it will stay up, even if the owner has not accessed it for, well in my case, 2 1/2 years. So I am keeping the link to Kathy's site hot on my sidebar and click on it at least every other day...
It would be great to have a mirror site to Kathy's. I am guessing her sister is in charge of estate and that may include the blog. But the blog may just remain up and static as it is.
However, personally I'd love to see a way for a "mirror blog" of all her stuff to be up and recirculating her work. Then an RSS Feed added to anyone's site who wants it would be a lot more effective in getting her fantastic work out there.
Funny thing, Kathy was very private and I didn't know her personally that well. Obviously -- as I had no idea she'd died! But in going through some of her first posts you can sense the same thing all we ACONs go through.
1. Realization
2. Validation
3. Tentative Research
4. Understanding
5. More Realization (about how your childhood was ROBBED from you)
6. Growing Rage
7. Un-Forgiving Acceptance.
Yes, I can see Kathy getting more angry and feeling more validated just in the first couple years.
Let's keep her legacy going.
Katherine - unfortunately, Kathy's family was loaded with Ns. So who knows if they even want to deal with the blog.
Very easy to get a blog down - just write to blogger and ask them what sort of identifying information they need to verify you are/were the owner and bingo! bye bye blog.
I'd wondered about Kathy's blog as well. Katherine, that's encouraging. Given the value and relevance of the information on Kathy's blog, I can't imagine that it will go very long without being accessed.
I am deeply saddened by Kathy's unexpected and far too soon death and cannot stop wondering what had happened.
I've also been worrying what's going to happen to her exceedingly valuable and helpful websites - I'm sorry not beeing able to offer any help myself, but I thank everyone of you very much helping to save Kathy's written legacy. Tobi
I am so sorry to hear of Kathy's death. I stumbled upon her blog by accident a few months ago, I found her writing fascinating. She gave good advice and even responded to a few of the comments that I had posted, for that I will always be grateful. May she rest in peace.
The founder (and work) of Tim Field, author of bullyonline.org, died in 2005. A mirror site was created called bullyoffline.org perhaps the creators of the mirror site would be willing to help or offer their expertise.
I am shocked and saddened to learn of Kathy's passing. Her work was of great help to all. I hope her work will continue to be available to help others.
nymphadoral,
I wouldn't even know how to begin. I know so little about this stuff I wouldn't be able to ask for help. I think it will require the right person with the right knowledge to take up the project on their own. I'm not in a position to ask for help since I can't even make a good beginning. Thank you so much for your kind offer. I wish I could take you up on it.
Barbara,
Do you have any idea how to create a mirror blog? That seems like a much more elegant answer than you and I using our own blogs to re-post her material.
Katherine - unfortunately, Kathy's family was loaded with Ns
While I admit to not reading every post of Kathy's, I have read most of them, and I have not seen her mention any family N other than her father. I hope you will post links to her posts where she indicates this. I would not want to see her family unnecessarily slandered. She continued to live in the same town where many of her relatives still live. That would tend to testify otherwise about the rest of her family.
Kathy-
Opened my eyes. Her insights are dead-on, and her loss is felt already.
Lets do all we can to keep her writings alive.
anna - absolutely NO idea how to make a mirror site. I just know they exist.
She blogged repeatedly about her N sister...
Wow. Thanks. I'll have to go check that out. Guess I missed more of her posts than I'd realized. Thank you for letting me know.
I too am deeply saddened to hear this news. Kathy's main site was the first real site I found that made sense of NPD. She was truly brilliant. May she rest in peace.
Peggy
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Doing Justice to the Normal Children of Narcissists
As I mentioned before, I am the child of a malignant narcissist. Now, can I have a sister of nearly the same age who is a malignant narcissist? Of course. But how could that ever happen if conventional wisdom is correct?
Indeed, if having a parent with NPD causes NPD, how can there be so many normal children of narcissists?
I think it's about time us normal children of narcissists demand our due. I say to all the narcissist-excusers, DO US JUSTICE or feel our wrath. Get your niggardly mits off the credit due me for turning out the way I did.
Yes, you are robbing me of the credit I deserve when you excuse the child who becomes a narcissist, by saying he or she had no choice, that he or she is just a machine whose buttons were pushed by an abusive father. When you say that, you say that I am just a different kind of machine, and I won't ignore the insult in that...
Quote from Kathy's blog....
Thank you for providing the proof, Jordie. It is worrisome because the only other relative besides her deceased parents specifically mentioned in the obituary was a sister living in the same town. I worry because if that sister is a narcissist then Kathy's work on malignant narcissism could be in even more danger. Unless Kathy had the foresight to take measures to protect her work.
I went back and found the blog post you pulled that quote from, Jordie. I see that I did read that one before. She posed the sister as a MN as a hypothetical...which is how I took it when I read it back in March or whenever. It isn't stated as a definitive...
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/how-to-kill-your-sister-and-get-away.html
This post sounds all the world like Kathy is describing something that happened to her--perpetrated by her sister. The non-narcissist sister in this story is described as being 55 years old with a bad heart and pneumonia. Kathy didn't turn 56 until just a few days before her death. She doesn't ever say definitely that this story is about her and her sister...but it must be. Yikes. I wonder why she was still living just across the street from her sister. Kathy mentions that the evil sister had stolen the other sister's inheritance, and could have her eye on her copyrights as well. Makes me wonder what the real story is behind Kathy's untimely passing.
The URL got chopped. It is her 12.9.2007 post, "How to Kill Your Sister and Get Away with It".
Anna,
I did some research on Google blogs, and there is no way to just migrate the database to another blog, especially since none of us are an admin of the site; it is a cut and paste affair, I'm afraid, post by post.
Unfortunately, we don't have access to repoint or forward her URL, either, unless someone with those rights is willing to do so, and knows where she bought her URL.
I'm going to do some further research. I might even volunteer to create a blog, and with everyone's collective approval, migrate the bloody thing post by post.
It's worth doing, for her, and for everyone who suffers at the hands of an N. Her site was pivotal for me, as is yours.
Anna,
Sorry my post is disjointed. I'm going to try to use some software I have to rip the website. What it does is copy the entire website so that it is completely available offline - google blog may not permit this, or it may be so huge as to be impossible. But, I am going to try over the weekend, and let you know how it turns out. If I can copy it, I can host a site that can be found and still visited, and linked to her blog in her memory. I'm going to try. Wish me luck :)
Anna, I hope you don't get tired of me tonight! I'm terribly sorry these posts are so disjointed. FYI - I just wanted to let you know that I did some research on Kathy's main url, and it is set to expire in September of this year. That means that only the blog will survive, google permitting.
I promise I won't write any more this weekend!!!!
nymphadoral,
God bless you for doing this research! I will anxiously await all developments. Don't promise me not to write! Comment at will. :o)
Anna,
I'm commenting at will ;)
My ripping software appears to be able to grab the blog and the master website. I can "mirror" or make a copy of both. How deep into the archives I can go, I have not tested. Google blog may shut me down.
I am very seriously thinking of securing a url and creating a mirror site in honor of Kathy; at least, in September, when her main site expires, the mirror can be up and at least mostly functional. I of course, would not be able to offer her book, post or access her current blog or do anything of that nature, but the information she posted will live on in her honor.
I went and checked, and kathykrajco.com is available as a url. I am also willing to purchase the existing url when it expires in September, money and no one else grabbing it permitting, and then I can keep it pointing to the mirror site that I create, as long as I can afford to host and maintain it.
Is there any objections from anyone in doing so? (The copyright implications are scaring me silly and I have to do this on my own, separate from my business - I can't jeopardise my mine nor my partner's interests. He would rightfully have a large cow, bless his sweet heart.)
I am truly open for feedback, please!
Kathy had a malignant N- Father. She describes her sister as N and one of her uncles? as N... as well as other family.
That's why I am worried about the blog.
I hope any of you who have journals, blogs, sites - will go to her site and c&p whatever you have found helpful and informative to your sites/blogs. Keep her brilliant mind alive for all us ACONs
Anna~
I just downloaded and converted to PDFs all the pages from the What Makes Narcissists Tick website (not the blog). Not sure what to do with them - ideas? Also, there is the issue of it being copyrighted material - and who now owns the copyright...? I'm don't think this i the entire book, but it is between 200-300 pages (82 files)...
Here's another indication of her sister - in "The Mirror of a Parent's Eye" (February 06, 2006)
"One narcissist I knew was so successful at viewing others as part of the furniture that in 50 years never did learn to distinguish his daughters. He never got names straight! Half the time he called Terry "Ka-terry" and Kathy "Te-kathy." Often, it was worse than that. He'd sometimes get halfway through a rant at, say, "Terry," before he'd use the name and Kathy would have to tell him what her name was. Over the phone he'd keep forgetting which one he was talking to. Though they were different as night and day (one was a narcissist) they were both the same to him. If he ran into one of them in an unusual setting, such as in the grocery store or on the street, he would stand gaping at her as though wondering why that woman was looking at and approaching him (= he didn't recognize his own daughter) until she said, "Dad" and started talking to him!"
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2006/02/mirror-of-parents-eye.html
I'm really worried about what had happened to Kathy.
nymphadoral,
If you are willing, and when you have time, would you email me?
castlemania1900@mailcan.com
"The URL got chopped. It is her 12.9.2007 post, "How to Kill Your Sister and Get Away with It"."
I thought those were just stories used as examples.
"Makes me wonder what the real story is behind Kathy's untimely passing."
Yea, I've been wondering too. If her sister is, in fact, an N, and lived across the street? What about her father? He's dead, right? Kathy was no one's fool. If she was using her own familial experience, then wouldn't it have been safer to use a fake name?
Only thing is that people with NPD lack self-awareness, so even if they knew about her blog, they'd simple assume that she's talking about others, right? Or they wouldn't care what she had to say unless they blame her for people finally dumping them.
Like I said, I thought those were "example" stories, not her actual life.
so what's in a heart -
Kathy wrote extensively on tennis. She a few books to her credit. Additionally, I am sure she made her feelings about the Ns in her family and their behavior well known. She saw no reason to use a pen-name. She had income from the books too.
She was very fearless.
I remember well Kathy's post on plowing the driveway. It struck me as her sister, too. A lot of information can be found in her responses to blog comments.
I read the entire blog over time, and checked it often. So when Kathy went silent, I wrote a comment asking if she was okay. Well, no. It is a shock to hear that she is gone.
Kathy played a big role in helping me deal with the N in my life. This complete stranger made a difference for me and my child, without ever knowing it.
Kathy Krajco, wherever you are, thank you for touching my life.
And now Kathy's sister and parents are named, for all the world to see. A simple Google search tells you the name of the high school where her sister works, and her email address. How ironic: Kathy's last post was about keeping safe on the internet.
Anna,
This news has come as a great shock. Never knew before that Kathy has passed away. I was wondering for the past few weeks why is there no fresh post on her blogsite....now I know. I have purchased the electronic version of her book...and that has helped me a lot.
How did this happen? was she sick?
Very unexpected....to say the least.
The obituary on says she died suddenly in her home. No cause of death given.
Hi,
I am just catching up on this, I thought (hoped) Kathy was away on a tropical island with no internet.
I am heartsick.
I have Kathy's book and have memorized it - much of it is from her blogs - up until it was published. The later blogs wouldn't be included.
Also, regarding her sister - I don't know if I know this from the book or blog -
1. She said her sister poisoned her dog
2. She spoke often about her mother's death - where her dad would stare out the window and once Kathy went over to kick him in the rear end "to see his other ass" to show her mother she couldn't stand to see him ignore her as she died.
3. She told a horrible story about her mother's last hours and how the sister witheld pain medication while the mother begged for it, alone in the dark.
4. She talks about a bully teacher who would only teach freshmen because they were the most vulnerable, and i think drove one to suicide (what grade does the sister teach?)
I emailed Anna earlier regarding this - I contacted the police earlier today via email. i hope it was the right thing to do.
Even if the sister had nothing to do with it directly, the police will be aware of her and maybe a pattern will emerge in the future if she is doing this to others.
http://www.ci.janesville.wi.us/citysite/Contactform.aspx
Here is what I wrote to the police:
Hello -
There has been much speculation that the death of Kathy Krajco was not an accident. I understand the death certificate says natural causes - but Kathy had a blog and has published a book that cites abuse of her by her sister, who I believe lives across the street from where she died.
Kathy spoke on her blog of her sister poisoning her dog and ignoring her mother's pleas for pain medication within hours of her death, as well as physical assaults on Kathy.
Please make sure you take a THOROUGH look at this situation.
http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/
--Lilygirl
I feel like I've been gut punched. Just went looking for Kathy's site for a friend and ... oh my god.
Kathy saved my sanity and probably my life a few years ago when my sister went out of control and eventually committed suicide. Learning about narcissism was "Hell explained" and I am so grateful for the 6 months of information prior to Lil Sis' death and the support/advice/observations from KK and countless others.
She gave me the roadmap to make myself whole and stronger. I have become an online blogger activist, in large part because of the generosity of self given to me when my life was at its worst. A debt of inherit decency and goodness is owed and will be paid forward, gratefully and thankfully.
Thank you, Anna and NyphmadoraL, for keeping Kathy's work going forward...
And may whatever exists later on be kind, supportive and loving to Kathy. RIP, my friend.
Puglette/Louise/Andi
Does anyone know how I can get a copy of Kathy Krajco's book "What Makes a Narcissist Tick?" I discovered her website a few years ago when I was struggling with the aftermath of a relationship with an N. Her work help save me from being lost by providing an understanding of what had happened to me. I am forever in her debt.
I downloaded a number of chapters from her website but would really appreciate it if someone could let me know how to get the book in its entirety, as well as any other books that she's written on Ns. Thanks.
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