I have been mulling over at least a couple topics to blog on over the last week. Haven't gotten to the point of putting the words down. Now I've been subjected to a mind flush. What happened? Late last night I checked my email just before heading off to bed and found a most unwelcome sight. An email from my sister.
Good grief.
She sends it on the eve of Mother's Day and doesn't even acknowledge that fact. It was a missive that shows she is still all wrapped up in herself. Thankfully, the effect of her email on me was minimal in terms of emotions. I read it...rolled my eyes multiple times...and went to bed. She didn't even disturb my sleep. A good sign. But, nevertheless, I have to decide where to go from here. Hence, the mind flush.
I will likely be posting her email here so ya'll can see it for yourself. Of course, it will not mean much to you if you haven't read my past posts on "My Sister". There are 23 posts under that label. If there is one post that best encapsulates my relationship with my sister ... especially as an adult... it is this one titled, "Are We Required to Keep a Sibling in Our Lives?" At the very least, you'll need to read that post to begin to "get" my sister's latest attempt to shoehorn herself back into my life.
I'm going off to enjoy Mother's Day by not thinking about my sister any more. She doesn't deserve my energies on this day. Best wishes to all of you out there who are loving mothers. I hope you find quiet joy and contentment with all the blessings being a good mother affords.
Stay tuned.
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11 comments:
I'm wishing love and happiness to you and all the other mothers who visit this blog. Since I went NC with my Nmom a couple of years ago, I am now free to enjoy my children and husband and celebrate our family with no drama or poison. I won't say I haven't thought about my parents today, but you've helped a lot, Anna, in providing so much support and wisdom.
Love to everyone.
--L.E.
She still thinks you owe her a relationship. Sheesh. Probably a "hoover".
Happy Mother's Day!
Exactly right...her expectation that I owe her a relationship comes through very loud and clear in her email.
OK, I have a question for Anna, and anyone else who cares to consider it. Cutting off family members is easy once you know why you are doing it, and have enough of the required righteous indignation to get you through. Some time down the track though, you get triggered. You think, maybe this person isn't all that bad, maybe you were wrong to cut them off in such a dramatic way, maybe, maybe, maybe. The problem is, cutting off the sibling leaves a vacuum which is difficult to fill. Yes, they were abusive, but you have had that relationship for so long, decades probably, that you need to fill it with something, and if you don't you become easy prey for those doubts and fears.
So the question is, do you fill up the vacuum with other friends, or do you just allow time to take its course and heal the wound slowly? Either way, when you cut off family members (and I cut off two sisters and a mother within months of each other) and are pretty much left with nothing, how do you deal with the holes which are left?
"how do you deal with the holes which are left?"
Through other things like hobbies, goals, careers, schools, fantasy world/life etc. Things that they can no longer interfere with or take away, if they ever did. Guard your freedom/life fiercely because, really, that's more important than anything.
If that's not enough, then there's always counseling or support groups so you can recognize the signs of BS and deal with it accordingly so you don't end up abused again.
Jordie, my personal feeling is that if you felt the need to distance yourself from your family members, there has always been a vacuum where you feel empty.
The difference is that you are standing up for yourself now. You were unhappy with how you were being treated when you didn't stand up for yourself, and you are unhappy now that you have "made trouble" in the family. The difference is that before you chose "them" and today you are choosing "you".
For whatever reasons you have, you are choosing YOU.
The feeling of "emptiness" is natural, you are empty because you are choosing not to fill this vacancy in your life with anxiety, discomfort, suck-it-up-and-tolerate type stuff. So, until you replace it with other positive stuff, yes, you have a vacancy and and "empty spot."
You have just evicted some bad tenants. You need to find some new, good ones, for your valuable personal real estate.
Hmm... today, I spent with some friends. My mother wanted to come up, but I told her it wouldn't work for me. *smiling*
While at my friend's, my mom called. I took my phone out... and hit the 'ignore' button. Later, I listened to the message. She thanked me for the card (a generic blank one that I wrote in), and then talked about her health problems and how scared she was. That was at 2:30. I didn't call her back until 8:30, knowing what to expect. She laid on the pity party. I kept it short. Not quite able to go NC yet, but I expect it will be easier when I move...
By the way, the other day she called and I let it go to voice mail... and completely forgot to call her back for two days. That is a big deal for me. I used to feel compelled to drop whatever I was doing and call her RIGHT back. No more... ;-D
I'm thinking about what Jordie said, we've had a "situation" arise recently with my NPD stepson. He tried to commit suicide, although the method and manner he chose seemed more like it was a "cry for attention" rather than a "cry for help". I know that sounds cynical but it was all very dramatic and done in such a way as to be certain that he would be taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.
Anyway, my normal stepson phoned us with the info and through some effort we were able to locate him and have the MD sign so my husband could talk to him on the phone. Of course there were copious tears and multiple "I love you"'s but then he went home and we haven't heard a word from him since. Not a thing. So?????
Yes, there is a hole when you cut people out of your life. You do think about them and wish that things were different but they have to choose to be different. They have to take responsibility for their actions and make better choices. Otherwise, its all sounding brass and tinkling cymbal. For a MN, love is all about you doing for them. They are completely unable to love, really. No matter how religious they act or they sound, they are broken cisterns.
We've had to decide that its not worth wasting our lives waiting for them to change. They may, they may not but we are going to live our lives and be happy regardless of what they do. Eventually, the distancing you do lessens the emotional ties, and also, we pray for those soul-ties to be severed. That helps, too.
I can say for fact I already feel kinda like I don't care about much of anything anymore. (TCON)
Question: Do all narcissists when you leave the house try to get your attention constantly and still try to run your life?
Garfield
Do all narcissists when you leave the house try to get your attention constantly and still try to run your life?
Much depends on you. What you put up with is what you will have to deal with. The less you put up with early on...the less you'll have to deal with later on. Family narcissists tend to work the hardest to stay in family members' lives. They are more tenacious, as a general rule, than other Ns. Set boundaries and stick to them and you can increase you chances of being left alone. Of course, what works best is completely inflexible "no contact". As long as you let the N have any access to you, you will have to put up with just that much crap.
Thanks Anna.
A lot of the time I feel like a pot of boiling water with the lid wedged on and when the pressure builds up it explodes, then the process starts all over again.
Great blog it is very helpful. I describe my mother as a monkey on my back. It won't get off and it keeps on pinching you. Lol
Garfield
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