Monday, May 14, 2007

***SCREECH*** The Sound of A Blogger Hitting the Brakes


As I explained at the outset, I have been reluctant to write about my sister on this blog. I knew it would be hard to capture it. It is easy with my N mother because she was in a position of authority and therefore I was the recipient of the full malignancy of her narcissism. With my sister it is subtler. Because she wasn't in a position of authority over me her methods and modes of operation were sneakier. I was rendered emotionally vulnerable because of the dynamics my mother set in motion. I've tried to capture this. Perhaps I've bungled it.

As you may or may not have noticed I had someone comment on the last post. Yeah, I admit I was a little testy. Now I'm rendered somewhat immobile. As hesitant as I was to embark on this story, I'm thinking, "Yeah, what's the frickin' point of building the case against my sister here." I am not on a fishing expedition for sympathy on this. From the lack of comments on this blog overall, if I was depending on feedback of sympathy I would have abandoned the effort long ago. Obviously, that can't be my motivation.

I'll tell you what my motivation is in case you give a flying fig. First off, the whole point of this damn blog is to highlight malignant narcissism. Especially as it has affected adult children of narcissists when they were young and after they are grown. Most of the time, people have more than one kid. That means there are often siblings in homes with malignant narcissists. I thought perhaps I could highlight how my mother's narcissism fundamentally affected my sibling relationship just as another cautionary tale, or to let others know they aren't the only ones to have gone through something similar.

I have no inclination to exaggerate anything. My tendency is to under state. I have tried very hard to not present a completely lopsided view of my sister. I have tried to be fair. This story is told from my perspective, obviously. My sister isn't here to defend herself. I don't effing care. Truth is, she is the one that was always defended. I, for once, would like to present the case against her and at least string her up, here, on my blog, where for once I can talk uninterrupted and without the usual obfuscation and protestation and rage that I've encountered every single time I ever dared to try to get some justice where she was concerned. My second motivation on the "sister saga" was that I wanted to feel a tiny bit of justice, here, in my little space of the Internet.

If I wanted to assassinate my sister's character I could do it. You, dear reader, would have no way to know if I was telling the truth or not. I could make her into a child psychopath if I wanted to. There are kids out there who demonstrate psychopathic tendencies before the age of four or five. It isn't like there isn't precedent for that. But, I haven't done that. The fact that there is some ambiguity as to whether or not my sister was a negative force proves that I have held back. I haven't made her into a she-devil. Of course, the worst of the story is yet to come because she became progressively more difficult to live with the older she got. It was a p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s-i-o-n. That is what I've been trying to lay out for your perusal. Evil bitches aren't usually born. They grow up into one. Duh.

All this to say, I am thoroughly out of the mood to post further on this saga. If you want me to pick up the story again then you're gonna have to pipe up and comment. If silence reigns then I'll assume you're fraking bored with the topic and I'll move on. Maybe my mood will change and I'll say "screw you" and just write it anyway. Dunno. But for now, this is where I'm at. I don't want to hear about how thin-skinned I am that one comment could de-rail me. Like I said, I wasn't real sure I wanted to do this in the first place. And each and every post on this sister topic has been very difficult for me to do. I was on the edge, so a little shove was all it took. That's the way it is. Criticizing me for how I'm feeling won't make me feel differently. Just so you know.

[Icon by mysticxf]

6 comments:

talia said...

"First off, the whole point of this damn blog is to highlight malignant narcissism. Especially as it has affected adult children of narcissists when they were young and after they are grow"

Hello,

I just found your blog 2 days ago. You are doing a wonderful job of highlighting malignant narcissism. I've read thru your archives. I am an assistant manager of a forum dedicated to helping people in thier recovery from a destructive narcissist. I wanted to share your blog site because it lends incredible insights into NPD. I am "getting" it and it has validated and captured my own experiences with an Npd'r, although it wasn't my mother. So many of our members do have an N parent and most definately would relate to your blogging. All to say, please don't stop. Anyone who has been abused by such an individual would understand your motivations.
Sincerely,
talia

The forums I belong to are
http://groups.msn.com/TheWebofNarcissism (private forum)most activity is here

http://groups.msn.com/WebofNarcissism/messages.msnw (public forum)

Anonymous said...

All i have to say is Hallelujah I found your blog. It was heaven sent. I sat up until 3 AM devouring everything you wrote. I could not believe I was reading MY LIFE and MY MOTHER! I have been in therapy for several months and only recently did I finally realize the horrible truth: my mother is and always has been a narcissist. Prior to that it was always ME, MY PROBLEM, MY SHAME, MY MISTAKES, MY INADEQUISIES.

If you want to "read" about my mother, look at the link i attached. I wrote it from "her" point of view (some names changed but everything else is a fact.) All of the rants and raves are true quotes. This is what she sounds like. Of course no one IRL would believe me b/c she saves her true self for her children. Everyone thinks she's a saint.

It wasn't until i started posting her verbose garbage on the internet and reading people's replies did i realize SHE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!! People think I'm making this stuff up or writing a fiction novel.

http://forums.momswhothink.com/showthread.php?t=94309

Sincerely,

Cate

Anonymous said...

keep posting! keep posting! keep posting!

Anna Valerious said...

Thank you, all, for your supportive comments. I want to make it clear I wasn't threatening to stop blogging, just to stop the thread on my sister. I'm still mulling over what I'm going to do on that.

Talia, thank you for pointing out how "anyone who has been abused by such an individual would understand your motivations." My husband and daughter have said the same thing. I know you all are correct. Those of us who have lived with abusive narcissists and their henchmen (like my sister) certainly recognize the same beast when someone else describes their own abusers.

I appreciate the three of you voicing your opinions. Feel free to do so any time.

Anonymous said...

Anna, I love your blog and often post what I've found here on my own blog - Of course I give you 100% credit.

On this topic of toxic siblings .. I am in need of MORE lol ..

My boyfriends mother is a Narcissist and his brother is her pet pit bull.. but he refuses to see it...

I've done extensive research on personalities and know when one parent is a narcissist usually one or more of the children are also.

I need more to show him.. I'll keep looking.

I've posted as anonymous - something I never do- but I know it would hurt him to know I've shared the "secret" his family holds closer then eachother.

Finally Someone said...

Anna,

I found your blog yesterday, I've spent every free minute since then reading it. I too am an adult child of two narcissistic parents (male parent the more physically abusive, female parent the more emotionally abusive). I'm also the oldest child in the family and was the family scapegoat growing up. I created as much physical distance (if not enough emotional distance) as possible during my parent's lifetime. Once both of my parents were dead I unwisely tried to have an honest, supportive relationship with my two sisters and my brother (aka "the prince). It didn't go well, I finally realized they are miney-me's of my parents, and while I carry the broken bones, scars and burn marks, they had their souls destroyed - they were born or became my parents. I feel true grief for them - surgeons, dermatologists and psychologists have been able to help me put myself back together again, they don't have a "self" to work on. But I also realized that I can't change that don't choose to allow it in my life any longer. I divorced my family of origin and feel nothing other than joy I'm finally free of narcissists and a hope that perhaps someday they may truly be able to relate to (rather than use) people - but even if they do I won't be one of those people. I'm finally free at last! Please blog about your sister (dealing with MN sibling is very difficult to find info about) and anything else that describes your experience and insights - they are of immense value.