Monday, May 14, 2007
***SCREECH*** The Sound of A Blogger Hitting the Brakes
As I explained at the outset, I have been reluctant to write about my sister on this blog. I knew it would be hard to capture it. It is easy with my N mother because she was in a position of authority and therefore I was the recipient of the full malignancy of her narcissism. With my sister it is subtler. Because she wasn't in a position of authority over me her methods and modes of operation were sneakier. I was rendered emotionally vulnerable because of the dynamics my mother set in motion. I've tried to capture this. Perhaps I've bungled it.
As you may or may not have noticed I had someone comment on the last post. Yeah, I admit I was a little testy. Now I'm rendered somewhat immobile. As hesitant as I was to embark on this story, I'm thinking, "Yeah, what's the frickin' point of building the case against my sister here." I am not on a fishing expedition for sympathy on this. From the lack of comments on this blog overall, if I was depending on feedback of sympathy I would have abandoned the effort long ago. Obviously, that can't be my motivation.
I'll tell you what my motivation is in case you give a flying fig. First off, the whole point of this damn blog is to highlight malignant narcissism. Especially as it has affected adult children of narcissists when they were young and after they are grown. Most of the time, people have more than one kid. That means there are often siblings in homes with malignant narcissists. I thought perhaps I could highlight how my mother's narcissism fundamentally affected my sibling relationship just as another cautionary tale, or to let others know they aren't the only ones to have gone through something similar.
I have no inclination to exaggerate anything. My tendency is to under state. I have tried very hard to not present a completely lopsided view of my sister. I have tried to be fair. This story is told from my perspective, obviously. My sister isn't here to defend herself. I don't effing care. Truth is, she is the one that was always defended. I, for once, would like to present the case against her and at least string her up, here, on my blog, where for once I can talk uninterrupted and without the usual obfuscation and protestation and rage that I've encountered every single time I ever dared to try to get some justice where she was concerned. My second motivation on the "sister saga" was that I wanted to feel a tiny bit of justice, here, in my little space of the Internet.
If I wanted to assassinate my sister's character I could do it. You, dear reader, would have no way to know if I was telling the truth or not. I could make her into a child psychopath if I wanted to. There are kids out there who demonstrate psychopathic tendencies before the age of four or five. It isn't like there isn't precedent for that. But, I haven't done that. The fact that there is some ambiguity as to whether or not my sister was a negative force proves that I have held back. I haven't made her into a she-devil. Of course, the worst of the story is yet to come because she became progressively more difficult to live with the older she got. It was a p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s-i-o-n. That is what I've been trying to lay out for your perusal. Evil bitches aren't usually born. They grow up into one. Duh.
All this to say, I am thoroughly out of the mood to post further on this saga. If you want me to pick up the story again then you're gonna have to pipe up and comment. If silence reigns then I'll assume you're fraking bored with the topic and I'll move on. Maybe my mood will change and I'll say "screw you" and just write it anyway. Dunno. But for now, this is where I'm at. I don't want to hear about how thin-skinned I am that one comment could de-rail me. Like I said, I wasn't real sure I wanted to do this in the first place. And each and every post on this sister topic has been very difficult for me to do. I was on the edge, so a little shove was all it took. That's the way it is. Criticizing me for how I'm feeling won't make me feel differently. Just so you know.
[Icon by mysticxf]