Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mother's Day and Your Narcissist Mom

Holidays and narcissists. Ripe opportunities for them to grand stand, hold you hostage due to "custom", and generally make your life completely miserable. For those of us with malignantly narcissist mothers I am convinced Mother's Day is the worst holiday of the year.

Narcissist mothers have a death grip on the day. They cling to the expectations of recognition, praise, gifts and adulation with tenacious zeal. This is the day you have to "honor" her. A whole day set aside by the culture itself which means if you don't please your mother on this Day of all days you risk the disapproval of society itself, in addition to your petulant, selfish and bratty mother's persecutions. She makes full use of the pressure of society to conform you to ritual.

Pleasing her on this day is the trickiest of endeavors. Land mines are set for your feet. One miss step and the whole day blows up in your face...and you will be tortured for your failure for months to come. Mother's Day is coming and you are waking up in a cold sweat as to how to do enough to please your bitch of a mother while all you want to do is run to another continent so you don't have to face the obligations this day represents.

Can we stop right here? Mother's Day was not a day to "celebrate" abusive, selfish and evil mothers. It is a day set aside to honor truly good mothers. If your mother is the kind that inspires dread of Mother's day then can you just stop for a minute and realize she deserves no such honor? When you "honor" such a mother as yours it really cheapens the meaning of the day, wouldn't you say? You're an adult now. You can make decisions without asking for mommy's approval. You can do things she positively hates and there is nothing she can really do about it. If she misbehaves because you give her what she deserves then punish her. Punishment by banishment. That is what she deserves.

The only way to get free of the tyranny of your narcissistic mother is to first free yourself of the expectations of society. You have to be willing to endure a disapproving look or statement here or there from people who don't know anything about your life with an abusive mother. You can ease this process by keeping your relationship with your mother mostly to yourself. Don't confide in people who haven't already shown that they would be able to "get" what your narcissist mother is like. You'll have to put up with a lot less disapproval if you mostly keep your mouth shut.

The next step, after you've freed yourself to go against societal convention, is to now act in accordance with how you feel about her. Give her what she deserves on this day. That means different things to different persons and situations. If you don't break out into a sweat in the card section of Hallmark, then by all means, send her a card. If you can't endure the thought of Mother's Day because of what she turns it into no matter what you do...then what she deserves is nothing.

Something I hate about narcissist mothers and this High Holy Day for Mothers is how they never, ever consider that their daughters are now mothers too. I think Mother's Day should be more about those mothers who are still in the mode of day-to-day mothering than those whose birds have all flitted from the nest. Not that older mothers aren't deserving of recognition. Let me try to explain. For example. When my daughter is out on her own and is a mother herself I will not be sitting around waiting for her to dump all her responsibilities at home in order to take me out to dinner, go shopping, or spend money she may not have on me. Since I will have lots of time because I'm no longer raising children, I will pick up the phone and wish her a happy Mother's Day. I will send her a gift, or flowers, or take her out to dinner if geography allows. I will honor someone who is currently mothering her children and not lay piles of expectations for a young mother to accommodate my ego like I've earned some kind of Queen status, like stroking my ego should supersede her life with her own children and husband.

I don't have an mother ego to stroke. A mother's job is to raise her children so they turn into competent and independent adults. If I succeeded at that, then I was only doing what the job required. I shouldn't expect a monument to be built in my name because I did my job. Which is why, when grown children honor a good mother it is truly a gift to her. Not a requirement like taxes. Their kindnesses on this day are not my due. They are a gift. To receive those kindnesses in any other way is to take away the beauty of your children trying to give you something. It spoils and tarnishes the meaning of the gift and turns it into obligation. I don't know about you, but I don't want obligation to be the motivation for my daughter doing something on my behalf. I want to know she did it of her own free will because she loves me. That is the highest gift. Something a narcissist is incapable of appreciating.

The difference between a good mother's attitude and a narcissist mother's attitude about her children is this: a good mother realizes she bears the responsibility of bringing a life into the world and must do everything she can to support and add to that life, not subtract from it. The N mother sees her children as a perpetual resource to support her life. They are there to serve her. To her dying day. A N mother's children are never allowed to actually own their lives. She always holds the deed to their lives and forces them to pay rent on that deed all their miserable lives. A good mother doesn't subtract from her children's lives; she makes sure her actions add quality and happiness to her children's lives. There is no point when a good mother feels entitled to subtract from their lives. She forever bears the responsibility that she brought them into this world therefore she never feels like she can mooch off of a life that didn't get a choice for being born. A N mother turns motherhood from a responsibility to a God-like position. I brought you into this world, so you owe me. She, as your Creator God, exacts worship and obeisance forever and ever, amen. Completely upside down thinking which springs from their utterly selfish world view.

Save Mother's Day for the good mothers out there. Don't cheapen the day by paying homage to a black caricature of motherhood. Be honest with yourself and live honestly with others.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you a million times for this article. You have probably saved my life. My mother is a prime narcissist and the thought of being in the same room as her makes me feel sick. I'm going to be 43 on 1st March 08, and here in the UK Mother's day falls on March 2nd. I know she'll be vying for a double celebration and I need the courage to avoid the obligations of any further "celebrations" with her. Not an easy task when you are the only child of a widowed narcissist who has Parkinson's Disease who still manages to spread her evil at the age of 82. Even my husband said of her on Christmas Eve "she's creepy". Thank you again for giving me hope for the future. Emma-Louise xx

Anna Valerious said...

I'm so happy to know this article was helpful to you. Please know I am rooting for you. Give her what she deserves. Claim your life.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a great and empowering article. I have been looking for a website like this for ages. What a relief to find that someone else has a creepy, nightmare mother like mine. Even short contact with my mum makes me feel ill and long contact is simply enraging. Wish I could cut all contact but feel guilty because she's old (74) yet still has plenty of energy for partying. I exist to take over organizing all the boring things she can't be bothered with, she thinks. I'm an artist, working hard on painting as I'm about to have an exhibition I also have a real job, so have practically no spare time. Somehow she found out about my show and now she too (also an artist) is having a show, in the same gallery, before my show! Naturally she is constantly demanding lots of help to get it happening! So far I've resisted. She is really quite vile--but covers it up with a sickly sweet persona which fools many people who say "what a lovely mum you have!"

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much. My N mother of 87 now has dementia with is used by carers to explain her N behaviour. She is in an EMI nursing home and on my last visit said 'I don't like you, I've never liked you - don't come again'. Now my 86 year old father, always one for duty, has telephoned saying it is my duty to visit her this weekend. My son is coming home from uni so every minute of the weekend is precious and once more I've been caught in the duty trap. I was battling with my will power to stay away and keyed into google - first thing I found was your blog. I'm not going - I'm 50 and my teenage son (who must have spent the last of this terms grant on his train ticket home) and daughter want to spend time with ME. They shouldn't have to spend the weekend parenting me after I return home undermined by her N behaviour. Happy Mothers Day to Me - I'll be enjoying it even if it is washing and ironing my student son's laundry!

Stephanie said...

Oh, Anna. I have nothing at all to add here. I simply wanted to say thank you. And thank you. And thank you.

Every time I read your blog, I really do find myself realizing I'm not alone. This is wonderful and horrible all at once.

Anonymous said...

Anna, thank you so much for your insights, putting into words what I've felt my whole life. Just substitute the word 'mother' for 'father'. Father's Day feels the same for me as this article describes. My father doesn't deserve the recognition of the day, but I'll do my obligatory phone call and be done with him and onto enjoying the day with my children and grandchildren. Thanks again for all your wonderful insights.

Ana said...

Hi Anna,

I just came across your blog at a time when I really need it most. I'm dreading Mother's Day - catering to a narcissist mother who once looked at a gift I gave her on Mother's Day and said, "this is all I get for being your mother for the past year?". awful awful woman...

Ana

Anonymous said...

Non-traditional Mother's Day Card:

Dear Mom,

There is not a card that suits you for Mother’s Day, Mom. So, this letter is for you this Mother’s Day. I could be cruel, and sever ties with you, or I might slander you to others like you have me. But no, I haven’t done that because I am better and kinder than you. You have no way of knowing that though, because you never cared who I was or am now. I was only your narcissistic source.

This letter isn’t just for you, Mom. It’s for me too. It’s for my son. It’s so you know that that although I love you, I am strong enough to keep your hateful, parasitic, drama queen behaviors from ever harming me or my son again. I love myself enough to not let you think your actions are acceptable, and I love my son so much that I want him to understand why I’ve set the boundaries I have with you, and why his mother now fights the demons she does just to see herself as the person she really is – beautiful.

A year ago my dear friend came to visit ME. Out of respect and courtesy for you, I invited you to breakfast. When she commented how proud you must be of your children, your reply was “No, I’m not proud of any of them.”

When she came again this year, I didn’t invite you because I didn’t want to subject my good friend to the same horror she witnessed again. Even so, through your venomous words, she saw and understood what I had tried to explain long ago: you are full of hatred for anyone who doesn’t mirror exactly what you want yourself to appear as: the ultimate mother. And, she saw too that nothing is ever right with your world, because you’d have nothing to complain about, and no one to blame for the life you’ve allowed to slip from your grasp.

A week ago, another old friend came to visit ME. Again, out of respect and courtesy for you, I invited you to come for one minute to say hi. Yes, you were on your way to a memorial service; someone you didn’t even like had died and was being memorialized. But two living people were here, who hadn’t seen you: your grandson and my childhood friend who you once called a friend. I understand from her that when she asked how you are these days, your reply was, “Terrible. ‘She’ treats me horribly’”. Much to your chagrin, your vicious, unfounded and slanderous words vindicated me. She also now knows a bit of what I’ve endured at your hands these many years. And your grandson, who you couldn’t get out of the car to see, didn’t even want to hug you.

So, without further ado, here’s to ME this Mother’s Day!!! I did not follow in your pattern, AND I now I am finally beginning to understand why I never had any sense of self-esteem. Silly me. How could I, when you were always right there to destroy any budding esteem I had, and do it ever so cruelly. I was always too blonde, too thin, too heavy, to this or that; studying too hard, too strict as a parent, too rigid, to passionate, too, too, too…too this or that…and all according to YOU? I think not. now.

Oh, I’ve made my own mistakes, but at least I’ve LIVED and at least I see without the illusion of mirrors. I’ve raised a son who isn’t going to have to wonder what he’ll have to do when Christmas comes once he’s married. He knows my love is big enough to want him to really live well, with or without my presence every holiday. No guilt will ever be attached like you burdened your children with! I have a career where I’m respected, and friends; new and old. I have places to travel and journeys ahead. I have people yet to meet; maybe even the great love affair of my life awaits.

Mother, you cannot change who you are, no matter what you do. You suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and you have since you were a little girl. That was you’re your survival mechanism, and just as one can’t blame a snake for being a snake, I can’t blame you for who you are, and who you have become in order to survive.

I finally get it. Your disease is a product of something that happened long ago, and I get that fully. I cannot change you. No one can. You have not even consciously chosen to be who you are. But I can choose, and do choose to be all that I can be. So here’s to me and you this Mother’s Day! I forgive YOU!

And I really do forgive you, all of your past and future slanderous lies, mental distortions, and I even forgive you for damned near ruining all of your offspring’s lives. It’s all part of the classic pattern of the horrible, parasitic disease you suffer from.

Thing is, Mom, I don’t need to endure your parasitism anymore for either of our sakes. Neither does my son. The boundaries are set. You cannot cross them anymore. I will not invite you to. The lines are drawn, come hell or high water; there is NOTHING you have, or could have, that will persuade me to change my mind.

Some of your children WILL survive, be happy, healthy and live fulfilling lives. Your grandson will. So here’s to all of those who survive - on Mother’s Day! I will! My son will. And we will go on to live glorious lives.

Thank you for teaching me how to discern intuitively, to become resourceful, and to learn to stand alone without fear. Children with loving mothers don’t have these advantages to the extent we who were without do. So, one last time, Happy Mother’s Day.

Sure beats a Hallmark card any day, doesn’t it?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much! I found you by googling "Mothers Day cards for mothers who suck!" A joke between my sis and me while talking on the phone this am. We had my uncles funeral yesterday (My N Mothers Younger Brother) which prompted my sisters email to me this am, "Anyone experiencing any fallout or turbulence today resulting from whatever the hell it is that happened yesterday?? So far all is quiet here." - This is us waiting for the inevitable "my children are horrible" call to one of us from our N Mother. We are waiting for this call because I'm sure none of us performed as we should have or doted our N mother, or our Great N mother with the attention they thought they should have yesterday as either of them expected us too. We triumphed in that we refused to cooperate. I was so glad to see that finally we are not alone. There are other sisters, brothers, parents, etc.. who have also suffered from a N mother or fathers abuse. Thank you again! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for your message. My mother has said since my earliest memories that she regrets having kids. We ruined her life. She sucks the life out of everyone in her path and enjoys destroying my poor grandmother who has loved her no matter what horrible things she's said and done to her. These ego-mothers don't deserve anything special. Not even if your dad calls and begs you to make a huge deal for her so his life will be better for 24 hours (true story).

Anonymous said...

It is quite depressing how my mother is. Sometimes I look at her during her good moods and wonder how on earth she can do so many of these nasty things and when I see parents screaming at their kids or something else like that I want to plead with them not to do that. It hurts, it hurts when she brushes whatever I say aside and says it is pointless or that I am completely wrong and goes on a tangent explaining why for hours. It hurts when I am not allowed to interrupt but she interrupts me and if I defend my self she calls it sass and defiance.

I am glad that you made this blog. It is nice to know I am not alone and it is sad that other kids in this world have to go through the same thing.

As for mothers day it is the day of dreams. Dreaming of having a mother that really cared a mother that understood a mother that did not hurt me around every corner.......


Garfield

Anna Valerious said...

Hang in there, Garfield. The good news is that you can learn to mother yourself. That means you can learn how to do for yourself what a good mother would have done. That includes being kind to yourself when you're hurt, disciplining yourself when you get lax, protecting yourself when you're in danger. I was my own mother. And I can tell you that it works. You can become a strong, happy and independent person without having had a good mother.

It is sad to have missed out on good mothering, but it is the lot life handed you (and me). You can bring good out of the bad if you dwell on what you have and not on what you don't have.

When you're young it is easy to not have a sense of how short life is. Believe me, life is too short to waste another moment on the narcissist. And it is too short to spend too much time mourning what should have been. Yes, you need to mourn it. Just don't get stuck there. Life has wonderful gifts to give us when we're willing to let go of our broken and wrecked baubles and willing to take up the fresh, new and wonderful things that life always extends to the willing. Let go of the broken dreams of the past and grab a hold of the good things in your present.

Anonymous said...

I have to deal with the aftermath of a narcissist mother. Whether she's of the malignant sort, who knows. I do know that she is at the very least of the narcissistic personality type.

She is my husband's ex-wife. Their children life with my husband and me.

She purposely doesn't mention her birthday so she can bitch and moan when the kids forget it, then talk about how it's our fault and we should remind them. Then berates the children and has HER mother call to berate the children. It's a vicious cycle.

The kids want as little interaction with her as possible, but instead of asking why, she blames my husband and me for alienating the kids.

It's an awful predicament for all of us. I love these kids, my husband loves these kids, and in her own warped way I'm sure his ex loves her kids. But she's not capable or willing to discuss the broken relationships with the kids, so it will never get any better.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this article!!! After 20 years of frustration I finally know why my mother behaves the way she does and why I have dreaded Mother's Day. I have frequently told my husband "if our boys simply flush the toilet on Mother's Day I am good with that!"

Cindy said...

It never ceases to amaze me that my mother (who is a grandmother to my children) never looks beyond herself to acknowledge anyone else is a mother and wish THEM a Happy Mother's day in return. My mother-in-law without fail always wishes me a Happy Mothers Day, (the thoughtfulness of which is enough) or sends a card... this year she brought over flowers when we had her to lunch. My own mother on the other hand, never reciprocates with a "you too" when wished a happy Mothers Day (which trusts me, takes effort on my part considering the type of person she is). This is the same woman who bitched at me for years (as I went through infertility treatments) that I "haven't had the decency to give her a grandchild yet". I shouldn't be surprised, when I did have miscarriages SHE DID NOTHING. No call, no card, nothing. And she wonders why I don't JUMP for joy in her presence. Thank you for your blog, it's helped me a ton and Happy Mothers Day to all the deserving mothers out there! My mother often comments to me"I'm still your mother!" Like she's a saint. To myself, I no longer feel guilty about hating her - I think "exactly. I wish you'd act like it".

Anonymous said...

I remember one awful Mother's day when I was 9. I'd drawn a picture for my mum, really spent some considerable time on it, and got my dad to sign it as well as myself. Later on in the day my mother and I had an argument about God knows what, and next thing I knew, my mother had thrown the picture down the stairs (crumpling it in the process, which brassed me off no end). She was pretty destructive of any gift my Dad or I had given her when she got into a rage (smashing, tearing up, throwing things - could not handle even the slightest disagreement - very immature!!!). Also v. particular about the type of greeting card she got. For years I used to get her cards with nothing but roses on, because at least I knew she wouldn't complain. She didn't like to be given most flowers either because she said they reminded her of "graveyards" (???)so couldn't be given lilies or pot mums (which my Dad always gave her and which she couldn't stand - wonder whether he did that on purpose just to annoy her - ha, ha!!) Again, I always gave her roses - unfortunately I didn't feel like I was giving from the goodness of my heart, but in order that she wouldn't be "upset" in some way.
She used to complain about the cards I gave OTHER PEOPLE too!! When I got my cousin a birthday card (I thought that someone should do something nice for her as her birthday coincided with my grandmother's funeral) my mother hissed, "That was a crummy card you gave your cousin!" Another time when I gave cards from a selection pack, she moaned about the fact that someone else had received a "nicer" card than her! I mean, it's an -ing card, for God's sake! Some people are SOOOO hard to please!! Such a bloody fuss! Talk about being - er - what was the word...GRATEFUL??
As a really bad, tasteless joke, I almost have a mind to send her an extremely crude, disgusting birthday card, but this would not do as technically I am not speaking to her (and she would enjoy SO much broadcasting to all the relatives about what a cr*p daughter I am). Still, the relatives are not daft, and even though they might put up a show of togetherness, they all know what she is like, as I have dropped a few hints out there (for my own sanity) and as she has made no effort to go and see any of them in 15 years (they all apparently have to come to HER - she makes countless excuses as to why she cannot go and visit them, despite spending hours on the phone to her sister). She has visited me precisely ONCE since I moved to London 4 years ago (and that was when she came to get HER passport renewed - bleeding obvious or what?).
I am through with her idiocy (of which I have described 0.1 percent here). Thankfully, I still speak to my father and he is SO much easier to get along with (being something more like a human being).

Ken said...

Anna,

Your posts are always on point. Thanks for putting this into perspective. This is such a difficult topic to articulate, and you do it so well.

Thanks for the reminder that I'm not going insane dealing with this woman.

neko said...

thank you, thank you, thank you for your post and your blog. i endured years of abuse at the hands of my N mother, and on mother's day it is a great comfort to me to read your blog and the other comments. it's been three years now since i cut off contact with her. it was the BEST thing i have ever done for my health and happiness, but mother's day is indeed the most difficult day of the year for me -- worse than the holidays. i am staying in today, made myself cookies earlier, going to take a relaxing bath later, and watch "mommie dearest", "white oleander", and "frances". in the face of the syrupy images of motherhood and forced mother-worship that have greeted me since easter, i find these movies comforting. happy mother's day to all the GOOD mothers out there, and to all who have been mothering themselves and are committed to breaking destructive family patterns!

Sara said...

I LOVE what you said that they day should be for daughters who are mothers! Beautiful idea. I can see myself even when I have a baby my mom demanding that I plan a four star event. Ugh.

Cedia said...

Just came across this blog a few days ago after feeling so lost that I got up in the middle of the night and got down on my knees and praying for truth. For the past year or so I've been getting closer and closer to the belief that my mother is a nutcase, but finding this site has made it all clear.

Anyway, last year I found the perfect Mother's Day card for her. (My only contact at this point is sending her cards.) On the outside it said "Good mothers let you lick the batter off the beater blades" -- on the inside "Great mothers turn the beater off first. Thanks for being a great mother".

Heh. The best thing I could say about her is that she never physically abused me. Of course this went right over her head and she thought it was the funniest card ever.

Teach said...

When I was twelve I walked a mile to a produce store and bought my mom some red geraniums for Mother's Day. When I got home she told me the flowers were the ones they used on graves in the cemetary. She got my father and brother in the car to return them for another color. It hurt so bad to this day and I am 61.

mail4terra said...

Thank You
Thank You
Thank You

Something I won't be hearing from my mother this year since I finally put my foot down and stopped speaking to her.

Having a kid does not make one Maternal

Happy Mom's Day... to a real one :)

Anna Valerious said...

Happy mother's day to you, too! And thank you for your comment. :o)

Sensei said...

this entry and your blog has helped me cope and deal with my N mother.

thank you so much for your effort and energy to write it out!!

:) much appreciated!

ltl_tree said...

I just found this blog (a bit after mother's day I'm afraid) but at 55 years old I am finally finding out why I have been so confused and hurt. My mother is a classic N personality! My father passed away 7 years ago and she went into full spider mode. My 7 siblings and I are mostly estranged and I avoid her as much as possible. Her golden sons still call to guilt me out but I am finally learning to be strong and live my life as I see it. Thank you so much for all stories. I can relate!!!!

jeepers said...

Yet another daughter with another "thank you" for your article. It's two days before Mother's Day, and after enduring a diatribe about my many "failures," "defects" and inability to "accomplish" finding a husband and children, I decided to opt out of brunch Sunday.

Objectively, I know that I'm an attractive, successful lawyer with friends and other family who love me in the same selfless supportive way that I love them. But 5 minutes with my mother still (age 40) drives me to tears and an endless internal dialogue about what a horrible ugly loser I am who doesn't deserve even the luxury of hoping for a happy life.

I know I'm hurting my father by not going to brunch - I love him more than life and am so blessed to have him as a truly supportive father - but on this one issue, he has a blind spot. I've explained (via an email rsvp of "not gonna happen") that my desire isn't to hurt her feelings, but to protect my own feelings for a change.

Your post is a supportive voice from the ether telling me that it really is ok for me to choose celebrating my own survival of my hellish childhood and dysfunctional ongoing relationship with that woman, instead of ratifying society's decision that all mothers deserve to be honored.

Thank you, and happy mothers day to you and all the "survivors!"

Anna Valerious said...

Good to hear from ya, jeepers. You make my day to learn that you're not going to submit to another day of torment just to be the "good" daughter. Do something very nice for yourself this Sunday. And, perhaps, if you know a mother you admire...send her some flowers.

Sarah said...

So happy to have found this! I'm 38, and about 8 weeks ago cut full ties with the woman titled "my mother". I'm sad my children and I are missing out on spending time with my dad but happier than I've ever been otherwise. There are no games being played in my life - peace at last! I didn't acknowledge mothers day at all but had the most perfect mothers day with my husband and children. I have brothers who don't like my decision and blame me and an older sister who I cut from my life a few months ago. Thanks for sharing ladies - its nice to know I'm not alone!!!

Prigat 9876 said...

I agree agree agree!

I found your post cause today is Mothers Day. yay. feel the sarcasm lol? :D

I still send two texts as in lifelss Happy Mothers day, but thats pretty much it. you see from time to time she and other "relatives help me financialy.

You can imagine how help" goes anyhow with NM. one hand she wants to look like "helpful mother" and on one on one conversations she puniches" me for taking my life back and being NC for 3 4 years. Bhahaha

classic right? I still think sending those texts was mistake. I sent them for "future" help. nothing else

I feel dishonest with myself. because they puch us into this persona, we are forced to be at their arms will. but not anymore not me

she can rot and die for all I care and I will sing! Because God knows a Mother is the last thing she was to me. and Mother should be beautiful thing. THEY made it ugly. its just a Word

Just like my two texts. lifeless words. Just like her persona

bettygraymacconnachie.blogspot.co.uk said...

Every single Mothers Day, I have to do the Mothers' Day gift/Card or gift and card, of which I resent so much. I do not now to appease her and to avoid her wrath and revenge later. Every year, I give her something of which is she responds "hmmmm" and then starts to gush over her daughter-in-law and son and family Efforts and how amazing their card or present was and how basically suggesting or hinting how Considerably Better a Card/Present her golden child Daughter-in-law bought her. I sit there and do "oh, that is so lovely" and I think does my mum actually know what she is doing and saying? Without fail. Every single year. This year I didn't make so much effort because there was no point and she does the MY Daughter-in-law is considerably better than you suggestive put-downs. I did give her a card - I just bought one from a supermarket the day before and I didn't bother with present because she told everyone she didn't want a present. I am glad I didn't make an effort this year. My sister-in-law really gets on my nerves. No, my mother favourism gets on my nervers. Doesn't she have a relationship with her own mother? It really grates on me and I am sure they both know how much it annoys me and makes me jealous. She needs to stop putting a in-law first. I use mothers Day a PR exercise to keep my mum sweet as I am still in contact with her, unfortuately. Best Mum? What a lie and insult.

Lisa Wight said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this too. I feel for you. I'm eighteen so unfortunately I still live with mine and have to endure her emotional abuse and martyrdom every day because she refuses to look for work or be nicer at least. I'm dreading mother's day. More like Martyr's Day if you ask me. It sucks that mothers are seen as the pinnacle of parenting figures. Because of that I get told that I "have to love her". If my father was that mean I'm sure people wouldn't respond like that. Well, the stereotype of mothers being inherently saint like is sooooo false. My father is the one who actually cares about me unselfishly.

Hans Vosgezang said...

Dear Anna

Next sunday, that is may 10, we have motherday in the Netherlands. I am myself a reborn Christian and struggle by the idea from grace and visite... but it is just one year that I break all contact, in between time I lost many people, even the Church and more than 400 people, christians, turn their neck to me, just because two of my friends who I discover also as Narcissists I leave them immedatly which what was not funny for them, because they want my help, one by taking care of them because her husband was running away, and another one whois already in her eigthies and wants to go to a concert from Andre Rieu... and now I am a very bad person because it seems to be easier to believe the lie than the truth.

I even try to get an answer by Joyce Meyer, but the people who work for her have not a clue what I am talking about.

Today, just when I read this what you've written I realized that I have to take care for myself and DO NOT get interaction again with her, by taken decisions is the best thing I can do.

As a matter of fact, I am not a woman, but nevertheless my past is destroyed too, but she won't get my future!! ;-)

Thanks!!

Sorry if I made some mistakes, English is not my Moth...aaaaahhh language. ;-)

Luna said...

I am 14 years of age and I have a narcissistic mother who is absolutely awful. She threatens me all the time, tells me I am fat etc. etc. I am guessing that most of you on this website know what I'm talking about.... right? The trouble is I am scared of her and feel weak and powerless. She lies, pretends, threatens, bribes and everyone thinks she is really nice. If only they knew.

L Campos said...

Three weeks ago I stopped talking to my mother. She accused me of wanting to rob her and then reminded me that she fed me as a child. My mother's pride is her baby. She never apologizes, she always likes to tell people "their truth about their lives" heaven forbid you mention anything about hers. I am so glad I am not celebrating this mother's day with her. Every year it has had to be where she wants to go. She really believes she better than others. She feels entitled. I have money and she owed me some money which I asked for, but no according to her I was wrong. I wasn't so I told her nevermind just keep it. She always wishes the worst for my children and me. I thank her for teaching me what NOT to be like with them.

Raven Davenport said...

Thank you! After being a mother for 13 years now, this is the first year it has really hit me that mother's day isn't all about my mother and I deserve to enjoy my day being about my son and I and not catering to her tantrums. I didn't respond to any of her rude remarks when she criticized the card or gift I gave her or when she insisted I needed to cut her grass TODAY! I Just picked up my keys and gathered my kiddo and fiance then left to enjoy the day.

Raven Davenport said...

Stay strong! You know the truth and one day when you're old enough,that truth will allow you to be free from what you are dealing with. It will also allow you to break the cycle and become an awesome and supportive parent unlike what you are dealing with now.