Since shortly after starting this blog I have wrestled with whether or not I wanted to talk about my sister here. She has only gotten scant mention because I just haven't been able to decide whether I want to try to describe my relationship with her.
I realize there are a couple of reasons for my hesitancy. First, I'm not sure if she could be described as a malignant narcissist or not. This is because I have really not spent enough time around her since I left home at age 17 to have enough evidence in my "file" to fairly convict her. I have this "thing" about being fair.
The second reason is because she did a lot to annoy me, make my life difficult and piss me off, but she really hasn't been in a "power-over" position in my life. Because of her lack of power to control me, I haven't put her in the same category as my mother.
Whether or not my sister is a full-blown narcissist, she definitely has very strong narcissistic traits. She was part of the dynamic that made my life positively miserable before I left home. I remember saying to my husband shortly after our elopement (at age 17) that I was more glad to leave my sister behind than my mother. I remember telling him how I hated my sister. I didn't hate my mother. There is something there and it isn't sibling rivalry. I have never felt competitive with my sister for anything. She, on the other hand, has always been competitive with me. She was a lazy, lying, manipulative, strong-arming little bitch. I'll try to support that statement with the evidence as I go along.
So I think I'll forge ahead and make some attempts at describing my sister. I'm in a position in my life to be able to stand back and see the big picture where she and I are concerned. A few weeks ago I reached the one year anniversary of the day I blew her off. I haven't decided if I'm going to stay out of her life in perpetuity, but so far, I've really enjoyed not having to deal with her. I'm thinkin' she's history.
I'll share some of the history with you. For whatever it is worth. It'll be an enjoyable exercise for me because she deserves for me to finally call her on her shit...even if she never sees it.
"It is much easier to make good men wise than to make bad men good." Henry Fielding, 1749
About Me
- Anna Valerious
- I am an adult child of a narcissist (ACON). Raised in the crucible of malignant narcissism I have a very personal understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is hope beyond the narcissist for the victims of narcissists of which I'm living proof. "No life is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example." At least a narcissist is good for something.
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23 comments:
I'm looking forward to more installments. Keep 'em coming. Thanks.
Hey, I've finally just stood up to my narcissistic older sister. It's been very stressful - but I'll come through it. I really understand what you are going through.
My older sister was horrible to me all my life and I do not see her anymore.
When I was three and she was six, she tried to cut off my hand; I still have the scar. When I was 16 and she was 19; she tried to strangle me and had to be hit with a belt repeatedly by by Step-mother for her to finally let go of my throat.
When my dad beat me and I came out of his room all bruised, with a bloody lip, bruised eyes and a swollen face; my sister spit at me, "you deserved to be beat up!" No empathy, no care at all.
All my life she sucker punched me in the face, scratched me, threw things at me, tried to get other people to beat me up...slandered me, spread lies that I brutally beat up my little sister (very not true)......I always defended my little sister who later turned against me too, siding with what she saw as the 'strong sister'. Many side with the bully.
Yet older sister sees herself as the victim and tells everyone she can what a horrible sister I am for not seeing her and her son (when he was born I tried again to be part of her life and she was abusive to me again, even saying that she thought I would try to kidnap her son). She tells everyone she can, including me in letters she sends, that I am unforgiving; that it is my duty to forgive her; that I am bitter.
She scares me. She gets this mean look in her eyes. I don't trust her and if I had a child I would not want her near it.
I do not see any of my family anymore.
Well, thank God you have cut these people off. I suspect your sister is more than a malignant narcissist. She very well may be closer to the psychopath/sociopath end of the spectrum of narcissism. You are smart to stay far away from her. She's dangerous to say the least.
My older sister, who has been nothing but pure evil to me over the years, told me a couple of months ago over drinks at her place, "I f...n hate you, I cant f...n stand you",I said to her "I know that",you have always been jealous, F/O she screamed at me."your f..dumb she yells.I said hows your credibility(I own my own home)nothing flash,I work etc.She has lived off the system for 30plus years.I just had enough and said to her "You chose to live like a man,Dont blame me for your insecurities.All Hell broke, she tried to attack me,my husband stepped in and we left,got home,cried my heart out.next day she phoned to apoligise, I told her never to contact me again and I meant it.What shocked me is she's 58 and I'm 50 and still wants to physically hit out.
It is Christmas day, and here I am totally removed from all of my siblings, all due to my N-sister (although they may all be). It makes me feel better to read that there are other victims like me of the lies and twisted behavior of these evil beings. I feel alone once in a while, but most of the time I feel SO much better than when I had to be around them. I do sometimes wonder though, what lies she has told them to make them all turn on me. She is the one who completely robbed my mother before she passed - the only thing I've ever done to any of them is to try to be there for whoever needed anything. What a crime...
Good riddance - as the Bible says, remove the evil from your life. I have succeeded at that.
If anyone is interested in starting a new "family", let me know! I could use some great non-narc siblings! :) Julie
Merry Christmas, Julie. I'm sorry to hear that your siblings have been so willing to believe your narcissist sister. It is very disappointing when people believe slander over what they've witnessed with their own eyes and ears. I still experience that kind of fall-out from my parents and sister. But...all told...life is AWESOME without my sister in it. I haven't missed her for 30 seconds. A sibling-less life is preferable to having to take their crap whenever they feel like dishing it out. You're definitely not alone. Thanks for your comment which helps others know they aren't alone either. All the best to you.
Standing up for myself was one of hardest things I have had to do. My sister has targeted me since childhood. She takes my personality and accomplishments and will pass it as her own, while telling lies about me to everyone she comes in contact with. A classic character assassin. Some things are slights that my family doesn't understand. She got married on my anniversary. She named here son the same name I wanted to give my child. Others are worse. She blogged on a public site about my divorce and sent information about my ex to the media that ended up on the local news! I have cut her out, but not without some trouble. She has manipulated my grandparents into thinking I have wronged her! My grandmother is not speaking to me. My sister is her favorite. I have not parents and my brother is dead. This is all the family I have. I don't know how to explain all of this to them as I have always just let her actions go unchecked for fear of retaliation. I fear for their safety. My sister is manipulating them. She just wants to be in control, make them think she is wonderful. I know her intention is just to get her name on their will. All I can do is remove myself from the situation.
I also have a sister who is a narcissist. She has made my life hell since child hood. Character assassination is her thing. She has always been competitive with me, even though I am not competing. She takes my hobbies, personal sayings, even past experiences and passes them as her own. She got married on my anniversary. Named her son the same name I has chosen for my child. She lies about me to anyone who will listen, family friends, even strangers! She claims to be the victim of my screwed up life. I recently found some blogs she had posted on the internet and confronted her with it. They included outright lies about myself and my family(even my dead brother) used to get sympathy. Even post details about my divorce while it was ongoing, to include the mention of sending information about my ex to news agencies(it made the local news). She has caused me so much hurt over the years that I give up. I confronted her. Maybe not the best idea, but it had to be done. Now the few remaining members of my family think I have wronged her. Who knows what she told everyone! My grandmother will not even speak to me. Last I hear I am being blamed for theft and trying to seduce my grandfather! I just want to move on with my life. She is cut off and all I can hope for is without communication she will run out of believable ammunition against me.
Brandy,
I admire your courage to do what was the hardest thing you have ever done. I'm sorry your family can't see the truth and therefore you end up with no family. You are right, though. Your only safe course of action is to remove yourself from their lives. I'm sorry it has come to that, and I'm happy for you that you're willing to do it! Narcissists make life far too complicated.
How are you going now?
I did not meet my sister until I was 26 because My Mom put me and my brother up for adoption. I am now 41 and have finally cut the ties with my sister after going throught hell with her for the last few years. It was my adopted Dad that pointed out the narcissism after she got me involved, for the 2nd time, in a domestic violence dispute between her and her current husband. She lies, she uses sex to control men, admits to being a gold-digger but can be very charming, intelligent and funny when she wants something or is trying to impress people. She is holding personal items of mine and my natural mothers hostage and using her children to manipulate us. The final straw was her sending spliced emails from old correspondence to her ex- boyfriends current girlfriend to make it look as if she (my sister) and the ex were still in contact. She made it seem like he was harassing her and in love with her still even though she was married. She then said that I "hacked" her facbook account to do this because I was "bitter" and needed attention whe she got caught. I told her at the time how childish and stupid this was and that I was done with her. So over the last year she has sent cards to my kids and me, blocked, deleted, added and spied on my Facebook page and my kids pages using her son's account and tried to lure my best friend into believing that she was a department head for a reality show. As my friend has been invited to be on shows before she realised that my sister was up to something. Now my sister is emailing me guilt inducing demanding messages about how sick I am for "dropping" her and how she "deserves" better from me. She has a few friends who suck up to her and a lot of "friends" from her makeup blog where she takes pictures of herself all day, posts them and invites comments. Her husband gives her whatever she wants to keep her from being enraged even though she has overdrawn the bank account, chased other men and makes him cook and clean after he works all day. She sold his deceased wife's things on ebay and they used the child support for her kids and ss funds for husbands son from the death of the son's mother to go to Europe at Thanksgiving. My Natural mother wants nothing to do with her, none of her new husbands family will have anything to do with her because she threw him in jail for hitting her which she now says never happened. I was doing fine not having anything to do with her but she is finding ways to get to me via my friends and a few great aunts she has bamboozled because she wants money. Just writing this has made me see how sick and manipulative she is. I just need to maintain the silence and realise that even though she says she "loves" me, that those are not the kind of behaviors indicative of love.I think deep down she hates me. Oh well, thank God for all my family adopted and birth that I am close too and for my friends who see her for what she is. I guess like a cancer I have to just cut her out, but I feel badly for her children. So after all that, thanks for the blog and the comments, it helps to hear that other people deal with this BS too.
I've read all the postings and for the first time in my life I feel that I've been restored to sanity. Thank you to all of you for sharing what is obviously distressing and painful experiences thus, helping me to understand what I've been up against for a lifetime.
I'm 60 and my sister is only 13 months older than I. For all 60 years of my life, I've suffered enormously because of what I now recognise as my sisters NPD. There are so many comments in each of the postings which describe her to a T. She has always been a liar, deceitful, duplicitous, selfish, manipulative and greedy amongst other things. She was mom and dad's 'golden girl' and they believed everything she told them. I was set up by her time and time again for punishment and she would stand back and gloat when father belted me for her crimes.
She is also a thief and has been stealing all her life. Money was taken from an aunts house and I was blamed for that. I was only nine years old and it caused me enormous distress and humiliation. It was my sister who accused ME of stealing the money saying she saw me take it. In fact, it was she who stole it and had the perfect alibi. She was the consummate actress and once again the family believed every word of her lies. I was then labelled as a thief. Her daughter is a liar and a thief too who stole from me after a visit. To save face both my sister and her daughter announced to family and friends that I had given my niece the items she'd actually stolen. Then, I waited until she got home then accused her of stealing them. So, not only do I feel a sense of outrage at the thieving but, I'm now portrayed as being the bad guy once again and there are family members who no longer talk to me.
This is only one example of a lifetime of abuse which I have been on the receiving end of from my sister.. I hold my parents fully responsible for the way she has turned out because, they indulged her and made her feel so special and she knew she could convince them of anything. Her tittle tattle new no bounds and she did it at school telling teachers of the 'bad' things I'd supposedly done at home when, in fact, it was her. She twists everything around in her head, claims she has achieved this and that thus, taking credit for my successes.
My father was and alcoholic and my mother was narcissistic and I was the family scapegoat. My feelings didn't count, they were never of any importance. Truthfully, I've had a lifetime of abuse starting from the day I was born and I'm not afraid or ashamed to say that I wish I'd never been born into that awful family.
I've experienced the most awful depressions on and off since early adulthood. I've lived most of my life feeling that I don't fit in and belong anywhere. I've grown up with a feeling that there must be something fundamentally wrong with. I've been in abusive relationships. I've been the doormat and the people pleaser. I give and give until it hurts and all because of feelings of worthlessness. The damage that my family of origin has done to me is beyond repair but, I now know that it was THEM and not me. I was an innocent bystander in a very dysfunctional family who, for their own self preservation needed a scapegoat for their sins.
Today, I feel a sense of freedom now that I understand it was about them and not me. Thank you once again for sharing your stories because, each of you has helped me to feel somewhat liberated with the truth. God Bless, Grace.
I have a sister has complete control over who my mother sees watches everyone come and go ... she will not allow me to see my mother 76 what can I do
Oh, Anna Valerious:)...what can I say?You seem like a miserably self righteous, obnoxiously judgemental, backstabbing "tattle tale" with a delusions of grandeur thrown in. Maybe you should leave people alone and get a healthier hobby. I know you think you are "exposing" and "convicting" people...but don't you think that sounds a little cra cra, even to yourself? Bet you won't have the courage to post this. I'm always amazed by the arrogance of people like you.
There ya go. I published it. Hope you feel better now.
My younger sister and I suffered horribly from two narcissistic older sisters after losing our mother. I left home after finding out I was expecting my first child, the unbelievable cruelty of these two was more than I could bare. Some years later, after never bothering to see my child, the narcissist showed up in my life asking me to babysit for a "few" months so she could get a divorce. She acted like my new best friend. I found out later from the older, malignant narcissist no day care could control her son, and she knew I wouldn't say no. A few months turned into years, she would leave him with us 12 hours a day, and on weekends when his dad wasn't taking him. Of course she couldn't pay me, being a single parent, but she always had money for at least 4 vacations a year, and a brand new car. The day we stopped watching him was the day she stopped talking to me, complete with the smear campaign. Years later, having not learned my lesson, the older malignant narcissist suddenly became my new "friend." I can't tell you how many family holidays her and her husband ruined for us. Than we found out she had stolen not just mine, but my daughter's identity as well. Two years of one ridiculous lie after the other, including trying to blame my younger sister, we finally went no contact. Her smear campaign that followed would alienate my children and me from the only grandmother they had ever known, and loved. When she passed, these two older sisters made sure we wouldn't find out. She must have had the opportunity, like I did, to get to know them. She had sent me a letter, along with her wedding ring. I can't tell you how much this meant to me. I only wish she could have known the truth long before she passed. I never blamed her, I know what a great actress the MN is. Validating someone now who's suffering from abuse, or has suffered, is the kindest thing we can do for someone. I thought we were being careful keeping our online identities well hidden, but not well enough. You can imagine her fury knowing our step-mother had left me her rings. The malignant narcissists obsessive stalking didn't stop with over 30 FB profiles, sending disturbing messages to my children and me, now she's physically watching our house. The local police gave her a whole new diagnoses after seeing her profiles and messages, psychopathic malignant narcissist. I first learned what narcissism was when I googled her personality traits. Your blog has been so helpful, and validating for me so many of us in recovery. Thank you, and others for sharing your story. It helps knowing we're not alone in this.
I feel I have a narcissist Sister she has been vile to me on and off for years I'm 38 she's 35 I always forgive and try and work things out but then she does something again and again and she never properly apologise's It's always half hearted if she does she tells lies all the time. She tells people storys making out shes the victim It's like her world and the real world. We currently have nothing to do with each other due to her telling me she wants nothing to do with me after she fell out with my dad over an issue which is just a silly fall out. I hate not having contact with her as I have a lovely nephew but am glad I dont have to put up with her hate towards me any more it's been almost 2 months no contact and life is peaceful.
I just need a place to vent so I am writing this. My older sister and her husband have been completely delusional, needy, self-absorbed individuals for over two decades. It has been a complete nightmare living in the same city with them. My sister is a narcissist, who played mind games with my parents throughout her marriage. Up until my mother died, my oldest sister was an extremely over-bearing, toxic, judgmental, and mostly self-serving leech. She constantly used my parents for physical work and worked them to the bone. She had absolutely no respect for boundaries or people's limits. No amount of help was good enough for her. She constantly demanded help and bitched until she'd get her way. My parents marriage went to hell because of her/her husband/and his family. Me being the youngest, I had to suffer through my parents dealing with her constantly. She brought out the absolute worst in my mom, who had mental and physical limitations. My Dad was caught in the middle of it all and helpless. She denies everything and is incredibly stubborn in understanding her influence on other people. It has now destroyed our family for the most part. I had no choice, but to cut her out of my life for good. My only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner.
To the commenter who calls themselves "fed up"
Wow.
No - YOU are the one who sounds 'cra-cra'
Bless your wisdom and patience, Anna Valerious.
I had to look at the name I felt like that was my story yeah this all just happened to me last week my sister is a meth head narcissist not sure anybody can top that that's the craziest of all b****** she took her son I've been raising them for years because I called her effing Bing but he's at my other sisters who was a very much role model for him and his cousins
Sounds very much like my life, with my malignant mother and her mini me, my older sister, who I am scared of.
And if she's really angry her eyes turn black.
Thank you for sharing this very personal and difficult time. I have the same life with my older sister. My dad passed away last year and my mom has Alzheimer's and has been in care since 2013. She takes full advantage of her financially, living in my mothers house for free and not willing to pay a cent. She hasn't even gone to see her in almost three years and lives down the road from the nursing home. She is my kryptonite but i'm getting stronger with her. I'm glad I'm not alone in this struggle.
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