Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Celebrate Life in the New Year

It's New Year's Eve and I was thinking about this blog while having a quiet moment to ponder life.  I thought of those of you who've inquired as to why I stopped blogging.  When I signed off I did so because I felt I'd said all I had to say on the subject.  I still feel that way.  My philosophy has always been to shut up and sit down if I didn't have anything to say that is worth saying.  I ran to the end of my knowledge and experience on the subject and decided to not belabor my points.

Is the subject of narcissism, malignant narcissism specifically, actually finite?  I can say a definitive yes to answer my own question. 

Why? 

Here is the simple answer: evil is finite. 

Think about it. 

Evil is the antithesis to creative power.  It is in opposition to life, to love.  It destroys.  It doesn't build up.  It implodes and extinguishes itself when it can no longer survive parasitically on life, on truth.  When reality can no longer be denied then evil perishes in the flames of its own lies. 

So as we enter a new year I hope each of you will come to the conclusion that you've given enough of your life to the evil, self-serving ends of the malignant narcissist.  If you've educated yourself on Evil Personality Disorder, don't dwell there.  Let the finiteness of their evil fizzle away from lack of attention on your part.  Celebrate life.  We celebrate life by living it.  We can only be said to be living life if we are living in reality.  Reality and truth are synonymous.  Yes, sometimes reality sucks, but to live in lies never ends well.  Choose truth over lies even when truth is painful.  Because truth is eternal.  Lies are finite.

None of what I'm saying is exhorting you to live for yourself.  That, too, is finite.  Think carefully on this:  the narcissist lives for themselves.  It is their all-consuming care for only themselves that destroys their relationships, their own lives, their minds.  To live fully is to live in love.  And love lives for others.  Look outward and serve (but don't serve evil!)  Look upward and give thanks. 

38 comments:

Smyril said...

thank you again!

while the Rightous are bold as lions............

LaLa said...

Love this, and so glad to hear you are still out there. Happy new year, and thank you so much for your blog!

Carrie said...

Hi Anna,
I have just started reading your bog. I was referred here by another lady. During the past 6 weeks I have had a crash coarse in mental illness. I have only opened the book on Narcissistic Personality Disorder: as of two days ago and I have been reading everything I could find online about it. My marriage that only began March 20, 2014 literally exploded. I am financially strung out more than ever in my 56 years of life and I am very traumatized. I am getting counseling and the counselor kept asking me who in my family did my husband remind me of. I could not even face it till yesterday. My mother. I didn't even understand her till yesterday. She has NPD. She and I have not spoken for 17 years though we have relatives and friends who avail me of information though I do not ask.my husband has been officially diagnosed as Borderline personality Disorder and Bipolar and most recently ADHD but NOW I see he is 200% a narcissist. I will resume reading your site and hopefully I will find some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in thinking that I am NOT crazy. Thank you for this site.

Carrie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unknown said...

<3 I was always glad for no new topics because I felt it meant you were happy and away from such abuses. Thanks for keeping it up, I come back time to time to help in my struggles.

Barbara said...

Hey Anna - you've done so much to help others. (Sad that a fraudulent guru decided to attempt to steal your blog tho)

You're a star!

(btw Carrie, NPD is not a mental illness)

mulderfan said...

Hi, Anna
You have eloquently explained why some of us choose to stop blogging. At some point, we must be done "feeding the beast" in any way, shape or form. We must cast the evil out of our lives totally.
As long as they occupy even the tiniest space in our heads, they continue to exist.
The worst punishment one can inflict upon a malignant narcissist is to, quite simply, ignore them. Only then, will we be free.
It tryly IS a Happy New Year!

dc c said...

We told her today about our Jan 2015 wedding date. She said not to expect her there. Good! I wasn’t. Good! I wont worry about her ruining things. I told my fiancée i just wanted her to hear it from us, so she couldnt cry about being the last one to know.

Then she tells us she is selling the house and we have to move out of the downstairs apt. We were planning to move in 2015 anyway.

****(She cant stand me getting stronger, less emotional, the low contact is not what i want to do. She brought it on with her mean hateful selfish ways. She made her bed……she made her mess….she is losing her daughter. -

Saw my NMom today, paid my rent, asked her to let me know when she is selling the house. She said I cant afford having you live in that apartment any more. = because we are getting married she wants more money. I said i just want you to let me know when you are putting the house on the market so we can have time to move.

She wouldn’t look at me, said ok, started talking to her husband, so i left. Felt good. Change is coming no matter how hurt i feel inside…she will never see my hurt again. It pleases her too much! -

Susan Racz said...

Wow. Brilliant and beautiful. I want to quote every line.

dc c said...

We went on vaca one year. NM-She let all the plants she bought in the garden die, because i was not there to water them. (Told me on the phone when i called the last day of our vaca) Sad huh?
Then raised our rent because we could afford a vaca.
Miserable bitch. Never travels anywhere.....less friends now. Jealous of my happiness. Took so long for me to see her for who she really is. Hateful mean. If i was alone and depressed, she would be happy. Told me a year ago she knows my Fiancée really loves me, i think she was hoping it wouldn't last though.
She's miserable in her marriage. Has been so vocal about it. Has chewed the balls off my stepdad.
He is somewhat passive aggressive, and agrees with her. If he does not, she will kick his ass out, since SHE owned the house before they married. He would rather have $$ and look down on the rest of us, than leave her and live on his own.
Misery loves company!

Joan S said...

I have been seriously pondering this for days.

I choose to live an absolute reality. I agree it can suck at times, but I choose it regardless of the cost. Maybe I don't understand what your saying, but the truth is narcissists will exist as long as the earth. I feel it is imperative to keep up the big mouths, talking against it. At least on the internet, it is a small voice, but it is there. It was there for me when I first started seeking help, and I want to be there for others. To make this the future. Not about the evil (but it is there) but the sheer knowledge of it. I have been delivered of so much torment since.

It is my opinion of course, and I don't know if this is what you are saying, but I am training myself to speak more but that comes with some risks. I was the child of abuse, and continued a life of being a human target.

The first thing I thought of was my shame of being in my 40's discovering this and expecting the other ACON's to be much younger. We are all at least in our 40's and only a few in their 30's. Maybe we can make a difference and help others before they have to reach this age.

I do want to help myself too, of course. I'm afraid of not reading about it daily, I will forget. So I keep replenishing my mind with the knowledge.

I was raised as a hollowed out husk, what else can I do?

Anna Valerious said...

Joan,

I was specially in generalities and in specific. Generally speaking, I was saying that if a person has educated themselves and freed themselves from narcissists then it may be time to think about something else. This is my situation; but I don't assume it is everyone else's situation. I was more specifically talking about my own reasons for not continuing to blog on the subject. Of course, I have the good feeling that comes from knowing that my blog continues to live on and speak to those looking for answers. It can do that without me which is great for me! If you know you need to keep yourself refreshed on the topic then do what you need to do. You know best how your mind works. Don't read my post as a command into your own life. If it doesn't fit, don't wear it. I certainly am not asking people to be silent on the subject. I'm certainly not. As I said already, my blog speaks continually to anyone who manages to bump into it. I'm not silencing myself. I'm not silencing anyone. I'm just hoping people don't get stuck in the negative. I heartily agree that evil will always be with us as long as life on earth continues.

I also heartily believe we should all be well informed and armored up for our next run-in with evil. But if life has reached a tranquil place, I'm just hoping people will take the opportunity to be tranquil in their own head space. Reminds me of Psalm 23 where the Good Shepard is praised for leading us beside the still waters and restoring our souls. Take time for restoration. It's important.

Joan S said...

Thanks Anna. I hated to bring that up, but felt I needed to. I think the real me is a big mouth and I will speak things even if the convention is not to.

It is so important to be tranquil most of the time. To enjoy life to the fullest now that the truth is out. It would have been impossible before.

And I still comfort myself with your blog, which is the first one I came to. Without it it would have been difficult to rid myself of the horrible parasite that I was born attached to.

dc c said...

I'm 53, finally at the point where I can't deny the damage my NM has done to me. Going low contact the past year has brought her true colors out so vividly. I'm at the point of going no contact soon, so I can have hopefully, some good years in my life without her bullshit.

dc c said...

Joan S Feeling ashamed. My therapist said stop feeling ashamed for your NM's behavior. It is not YOU! I feel shame for being in such a F'd up family, for being so weak, for hoping I could do better and change NM and things. I was in denial for so long...started packing today to prepare for the move to another residence.... Tears, but feel empowered. It is what it is. Hope someone here will offer some words of support. I need it. I can feel NM fueling up....ready to engage! (I'm not moving until after our Jan. 17 2015 wedding.)

JenMar said...

Hello Anna,

It's good to know that you remain well and happy. I want to acknowledge that your words (and your deeds in putting your words out there) are a great comfort to me, time and time again. I've referred some fellow travellers - also on the path to recovery from abuse - to your site and you have helped them, too. I especially needed to read your thoughts on forgiveness, having been told countless times that I should forgive others "for my own good" almost regardless of their continuing abusive actions towards me. (After all, "that was in the past"!!!) I am stronger now, and have better boundaries. Along the way, though, many of my relationships have changed / ended and I am apparently variously considered by some others - those pesky flying monkeys - as erroneously thinking of myself as superior to others, or mentally ill, or just strange. Whatever. Your insightful and beautifully written articles have been very relevant and enormously helpful. Thank you so much.

Cyndee said...

Hi Anna,
Your blog on NPD is the best one I have ever read on the topic! Thank you so much for taking the time and care to share with all of us!! I love your insight, thoughtfulness, honesty and recommendations for making an ACON's life healed & healthy. You inspire me to see light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you include God's word which shines light on the Truth of evil.

I found out I had an N-mom 12 years ago and it's been a long challenging struggle to create boundaries to manage her. Sadly, I am my parents eldercare support which puts me in touch with them regularly, but I am able to practice my boundaries and work on forgiveness during those times. I wish I could go NC, but it is not in the cards for me.... Your blog continues to give me hope, ideas and patience to deal with them while I have too....

Again, thank you and God Bless you,

mulderfan said...

Cyndee, May parents are 92 and 95. They are well cared for in an upscale retirement residence. I have no contact with them.
My sanity is my #1 priority!

Cyndee said...

Mulderfan, I like your solution - it's the best of all worlds for N's - except I feel sorry for the staff having to deal with them day in and day out....
I do practice LC with my N-mom. My meek N-enabler dad 91, is in a nursing home being given better care than my N-mom could ever do for him when they lived together. I visit him a little more only when I know my N-mom will not be there. My N-mom 89 still lives independently in her house and I only visit her once a month with my husband to balance her checkbook and to get a sense that she can still care for herself well enough. I will never let her live in my house to give her eldercare, I will never be her chauffeur when it comes time to pull her drivers license and I will happily deliver her to the same low cost nursing home she stuck my dad in. I am certain at that point I will feel no obligation to make regular visits to her once she is in that rest home - NC time!
Thanks for your support and encouragement re: elder N's....they seem to live forever, don't they?

mulderfan said...

Cyndee, I was their personal slave, who never did anything right and when I finally said ENOUGH! within two months they "secretly" moved to the retirement residence to punish me. What a good laugh I had because it was the 1st decent thing they had ever done for me. I was suddenly free of the worry and guilt, knowing they are well cared for in an appropriate environment. I sent them a thank you card when they let me know what they'd done.
According to them, the staff at the residence adore them, but so would I for $5000 a month!
After the move the I allowed the verbal abuse continued by phone, then almost four years ago, I stopped my father in mid rant and simply said, "I'm done". Click!
As for the staff, they've been told I have mental health issues, which is fine by me because I could care less what a bunch of well-paid strangers think of me.
At 69, I live a serene and peaceful life that I never believed was possible. People often ask me what I'll do when one of them gets ill or dies and my answer is always the same, "Cross that bridge when I come to it.", while secretly thinking, "If I cross it at all!"
If you're like me, whatever debt your parents conditioned you to believe you owed them, you have repaid it a thousand fold. Time for YOU to set YOURSELF free.
BTW The nasty avatar is courtesy of my younger brother, the narcissistic golden child, who much to my amusement, simply can't get me out of his head. I've been dishing out the worst possible punishment you can hand a narc...I ignore him!

dc c said...

Today,my bossy, know it all sister who lives on the West Coast, away from NM told me before I have NM come to the Apt., to make sure all is in order (I will be vacating,soon. NM OWNS IT.) to have a witness there because NM will start shit, saying I physically assaulted her. WTF?

I told sister, why would she say that? She said, she is mad at you, she lies, stay away from her.

I think I might call Elder Services to be present. Any advice?

On the other hand, Sister has ulterior motives....
??Where am I moving to? I'm telling no one. (I told her a lie to shut her the F up!) She is fishing for info. To report to NM.

I told her, I'm a lot smarter than people think...she over talked me....but I know she will be on the phone to NM.

I don't give a shit. Mom has $$ and Insurance for assisted living or Nursing home.

I'm not wasting any more time worrying about what she needs...might need.
My needs for peace and a somewhat sane life come first!

dc c said...

I cried so hard today.....It hurts so bad! Then I got out of bed and wrote my feelings down.

I finally did it! Used my creative energy to help heal!

http://comeoutofthefog.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-valley-of-evil-narcissists-lair.html

I love the written word.
(NM could never understand or appreciate my creativity.)
I hope you all will.
Please, I need as much support and good words right now.


Contacted an old friend today too, who has an elderly NF.

Cyndee said...

dc c,
I feel for your struggles and hurt. The hardest thing in my life was discovering my mom had NPD. May I share the 3 things that really helped me the most to come to terms with that information?

1. I had to forgive myself completely for having the hopeful expectations that I would ever have or experience a normal mother for the rest of my life.

2. I had to accept at all levels of being (heart, soul, intellectually) that my 'Nom' would never change no matter what I tried to do. I had to fully release her to God who is the only one who can truly care for her.

3. Some may call this transference, but I call it life saving on so many levels.... I understand that I am an orphan and as such I accepted Jesus Christ as my Father, Protector and Savior. The peace I have with that acceptance is so comforting, calming and safe. I now have a real home, family and all His loving guidance to help me through this life.

I didn't find Anna's blog until late in my 'Nom' game, but she helped so much in defining and filling in the missing pieces for how to continue healing. Read her whole blog if you can, it's truly amazing..... Best of love and luck to you.

dc c said...

Thank you Cyndee. I'm saving your post/advice.
Today I started packing more stuff. Looking at an apartment tomorrow.

I know the change is what is needed. I hate moving...

But I keep saying..No Pain, No Gain!

Katherine said...

Anna, I understand why you don't want to blog anymore, because you have built up an impressive canon here. But I hope you are proud of the work you produced here that has been so helpful to so many. I also hope that you might someday consider putting some of your blog entries into book form to perhaps reach a larger audience and because I truly believe it should be in use by those in the mental health profession who truly want to be able to recognize evildoers and their abuse of the innocent.

triadcatz said...

You absolutely RULE! Thanks for the good advice. Many you and yours grow, love and prosper...

Michele Yake said...

Thank you for this post about Narcissists. I have PTSD from living with narcissists. I appreciate your idea of living in the truth, no matter what others have to say about it. The narcissists try to confuse truth and create your reality to their advantage. I know it all too well.
Thank you again. I loved the post
Annie

St Joseph Amahoro House said...

You hit the nail on the head!!! At some point we get to saturation levels and we know we've figured it out and suffered enough... time to live in the truth we have come to understand. I like what Elizabeth Smart's mother said to her when they were reunited after the 9-month kidnapping/rape ordeal: "He may have stolen 9 months from you, but do not allow him to steal one more minute of your life!" And she didn't. She is a triumph. May we all be the same.

Jennifer said...

Hi Anna, I really love your blog and it inspired me enough to write my own personal story with some subtle hints on how to recognize narcissistic abuse.. Would really love it if you could check it out and let me know what you think.. I am still in the healing phase right now but I am getting stronger..
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/how-to-recognize-narcissistic-abuse/

Teah Akrish said...

Currently dealing with my NPD mother-in-law. People say I care for her as if she were my own mother. I truly want to see her happy, but yet, have seen through her games from the very beginning when she back-stabbed my future-husband, her son, to my face. I was shocked. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I do my best to love her as a child of God, and try to support her in realizing the truth of her evil actions. I don't know if I'm doing any good. Right now, I'm trying to find my boundaries. Part of the issue is, she's so old and was just recently placed in a retirement home, and having a very hard time with it. I admit, I'm falling for her crying games. Yet, it's so hard to just stand by when someone is suffering so much. I keep reminding myself, she's not really suffering. She's in the nicest retirement home in the area. She's gets all meals prepared, her laundry done, new people to tell her lies to, and activities if she wants. It's when she gets into her room alone at night when she freaks out and calls me, crying. I can barely take a 5 minute phone call from her, she terrorizes so much.I admit, I'm consumed with confusion in what to do. I don't want to admit that she can never change for the better.

John Narayan said...

Teah Akrish said...

I don't want to admit that she can never change for the better.

SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.

God has nothing to do with this.

Lois Barleycorn Dickens said...

Thanks a million for your love over the years- I too have moved on with my eyes looking towards a bright future & not feeding the NPD's with any more of my precious time and attention God Bless xxx

Unknown said...

Anna, I read several of your posts on your old blog and you are a genius...I wish you would write a book and email me first to buy it.

Your way with words is right on. Your insight has that of humor and reality and you say it in a way that brings tears to my eyes.

I believe every word you have said. I think you have an insight that the therapists don't know.. I too am the daughter of an evil narcissistic mother who used me for years.

FiKaLo said...

I just found this blog... As I look with dread to the upcoming Christmas season, searching for answers to help me survive the annual hell-ride that is one of the hyper-dysfunctional branches of the extended family, I find their actions reflected in the words of this blog. Right down the their use of their Christian faith (as they define it) to add God's weight to their words of control and manipulation. Earlier this year one of them unexpectedly approached me at church and informed me she'd had a prophetic word that God was calling me to spend more time with her. I am increasingly convinced that I am dealing with narcissists here. At least 3 of them. I have undergone 3 years of my own psychotherapy in that time to help my own healing process... but I am now fairly certain that my safest route is to avoid Christmas altogether. Thank you for sharing your journey.

David Smith said...

Dear Anna, for the past 3 days i have been reading reading your posts. I have had no contact with my NPD mother and her husband for 17 years, your story reminded me of my life as a child standing on a stool to wash dishes,ironing white shirts, doing laundry, house cleaning, it was never enough. My sister and i would be whipped with a belt, punched and kicked, we had numerous doctor visits to get stitches and once to have a broken bone set and we always lied about how it happened. I ran away after the 11th grade to join the Army. I thought i was free from NPDS and lived my life, i thought i was the only one and lived with a strange sense of shame and fear. I am 6 FT. and 180 and i still feel fearful. I married a women and guess what, within a couple of years i found myself taking care of the house cleaning, cooking, dishes everything and i was happy to do it, truly. Over time she slowly became demeaning and angry but never in front of others. Her mother married 3 times always the result of affairs with her first husband my exs father committing suicide.I feel ashamed that i did not recognize the strange stare, lack of empathy and lies. The 17 years of no contacts represents my 17 year marriage to a women who i found out after she left had been having affairs all along. I did the no contact to protect my wife from the crazies, kind of ironic. I thought her complete lack of emotion was strength, i thought her arrogance and need to be the center of attention was kind of sad. Since Jan.8,15 when the divorce was final i have worked to build a new life, I miss my kids. I had a breakdown lost 30 lbs was prescribed an antidepressant, Xanax and ambien, took them daily for 5 weeks , woke up one day looked into the mirror and was horrified at what i saw. I flushed the drugs down the toilet, started eating and joined a yoga class which i attend daily. Each day i tell myself that i can make it to tomorrows class and i do. Haven't missed a day in 5 months. I cannot understand how i could have fallen for a women who after a time became so abusive and i just felt bad and tried harder. Any advice on healing ? Much love David

Anna Valerious said...

You ARE healing, David. It takes time. This blog is dedicated to learning. The learning is to inform and to change thinking. Changed thinking will, over time, change feelings. Until then, there is no shame that you fell for a woman who ended up being a narcissist. I have observed on this blog that it is quite common for people raised by narcissists to end up marrying one or being in close relationships with one or a series of them. To sum up, it is because we have learned at the knees of a narcissist how to reinterpret, misinterpret and endure how they mistreat us. We put a positive construction on their behaviors. We do sense evil at times, but we've been taught to look no further than ourselves for its source. All this training needs to be unlearned. That is what my blog is attempting to help others to do. Thank you for taking better care of yourself, David. Keep learning. Life is so precious. Waste as little of it on narcissists as you can.

Georgia Byrd said...

Dear David,
"To sum up, it is because we have learned at the knees of a narcissist how to reinterpret, misinterpret and endure how they mistreat us. We put a positive construction on their behaviors"... EXACTLY. In essence our childhood groomed us to see nutty, destructive, evil towards us and others as 'not so bad' or justifiable because of (insert 'bad childhood' 'stressful time in life' 'health condition' and others into infinity). As if someone could poop on your face and we'll do back flips to find some compassionate, "well, I could see why that happened..." response.
In May 2012, on mother's day, I oddly came across the definition of narcissism, and recognized my family of origin as rip roaring narcs. I was still unbelievably living in the same town as them and had contact. By October I'd sold my house, moved to a new town, and started my own business. I thought I was on fire, and in many respects I was. But I still did those back flips to find compassionate (seemingly) explanations for bad behavior, despite curtailing a lot of it after reading Anna's blog, I still didn't fully "get it" (and for Pete's sake she maps it out so clearly... it's like layers of an onion, I'd only healed superficially in some aspects but thought I understood everything through and through).

Jan 11 last year, three days after your divorce, I discovered mold in the home I was living in and bailed, helpless, to go stay with a church friend. My health destroyed, business lost. This church friend turned out to be a sociopath. He placed gps on my phone, stalked me, nearly killed me. No health, no resources, old narc friends replaced with new narc friends and now no family, I found myself homeless, sleeping in the backyard of a woman this summer. My faith in myself and having learned about narcissism so completely damaged.

Youtube, of all things, has now helped me the most to pull out of this. I have concrete things in my life, obviously, that need further addressing. But I'm OK. Sheandoah (oh she's feisty!), Narcissism Survivor, Annabel Lee, Escape from Narcissism, Ollie Matthews (pulls no punches, I really like him) and others have helped solidify and put into practice the things in Anna's blog that is the cornerstone to my awakening to narcissism and how un-Christian and unkind tolerating this kind of influence is (when of course narcs or modern spiritualism or pop psych tenants try and keep you enslaved by convincing you you're a better person for tolerating or 'working with' such evil, that indeed you can choose yourself and God's plans for you instead of theirs). Personally, I'd avoid Sam Vaknin's videos, it's like taking advice from the devil as he pretends to be your friend. But of course use your own discernment in what you hear, and take what helps and leave what doesn't since all of these hosts are only human too.

Hope that helps. I think you can really hit ROCK rock bottom and still come back. With God ALL things are possible. I feel like my real life is starting now. Don't fault yourself for having grown up on Mars. We've seen the dark side, but I think when we come out of it we'll have tools and strengths that others will be relatively lacking in by not having been through the fire, the experiences, we have.

Yes, life is precious. Just focus on kicking ass on the number one best things for yourself, and for others (that deserve it!!! don't feed evil, listen to your gut, it's right, don't keep stuffing it like we've been trained too - speaking of 'The Gift of Fear' is an excellent read). I am a completely different person from the one I was last year. I am excited about life. Just keep going, you're closer than you think......xo

PR said...

A big thank you Anna!!! Because, I learned so much about a NM in a short time...this wil definitely make my healing journey faster. Thank you sooo much!! Bless you. PR.