Today I think I'll address another reason to cut off contact. A little sweet revenge.
Come on. You know there is some part of you that wouldn't mind a little revenge. If you don't like that word, you can call it justice, because that is what it will be. Although it will only be a very small measure of justice. You'll have to leave the Big Justice for the Judgment Day. But it is a bit of justice which will bring you peace and the good life at the same time.
Let's go to the mouth of the most outspoken narcissist on the planet, Sam Vaknin. Face it, when he's right, he's right. In his homage to self titled, "Malignant Self-Love" on page 488 he answers the questions, "How does the narcissist treat his past Sources of Narcissistic Supply? Does he regard them as enemies?"
One should be careful not to romanticise the narcissist. His remorse and good behaviour are always linked to fears of losing his sources.
Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one's enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked.
The narcissist seeks out his old sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would not do even that had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!).
If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. It may be flattering, perhaps sexually arousing. Try to overcome these feelings.
Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you – keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you – listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Return his gifts unopened. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS to be avoided.
Did you get that? Attention in any form is considered to be supply. Even your provocation, anger or disgust feeds him or her. The only way to repel a narcissist is by complete and total indifference. The only way to really disturb their world is through indifference. What Vaknin outlines above is all the little ways you convey your absolute indifference. Do not allow for even a moment any shred of attention, or they will be back to making a living off of your life blood.
I learned this approach on my own. I finally figured out the beast well enough to realize that any and all attention was fine by the narcissist, so I was forced to realize that if I wanted to quit "feeding the bears" I needed to make a complete and total cut-off. I'll be damned if I continued to let my life-blood be used to keep the "bear" strong. I returned letters unopened. I stopped any and all communication. I was able to move away without them knowing where I went. When you are dealing with a narcissist the only way to do the right thing by them and for yourself is to leave them to themselves. I made this point early on in this blog: by sticking with him you are making him worse. By staying in their life, you make yourself worse. So the merciful and righteous thing to do for both of you is to walk away and never look back.
All that being said, I know there are situations where going "no contact" is not an option either because your conscience or circumstances won't allow you to. I respect that. It is often the case that people haven't chosen no contact because of vague feelings of guilt, societal pressures, or just the overall decency of their souls which makes them reluctant to hurt another human being. I want to give these folks some cold, hard rationales so they can reassess whether or not they can justify going NC. We all have to live with our consciences. But consciences need to be informed. It is possible to feel guilty where no guilt is involved. That is who I'm talking to.