Friday, February 02, 2007

Is it love?

How many times have you tried to rationalize the narcissist's behavior by convincing yourself that they really do love you if in their "own way" particularly if the narcissist is your parent? How confused are you as to what love is and isn't due to being raised by perverted-thinking narcissists? By perverted I'm using the broad definition of perversion which means to wrongly use or corrupt something.

Love is an internal principle. You can't impose it from the outside. To attempt to gain love or compliance illicitly always involves the external rule of force. A narcissist wants you to prove your love for them by forcing you to bend to their rules.

  • A forced obedience is no obedience at all, but rather it is slavery.
  • A manipulated obedience is no obedience at all, but deception.
  • A purchased obedience is no obedience at all, but bribery.
  • An obedience rendered in fear of adverse consequences is no obedience at all, but self-preservation.

All the above statements bring clear memories to my mind of my mother's methods in raising me. She used every perverted and externally imposed force to achieve compliance. There was no way to assuage her anger and rage, her petulance and sulking, her explicit or implicit expectations except by total compliance and capitulation.

It is never about love with the narcissist. They are incapable of giving or receiving it because life is always about getting their way. Force is always involved when getting ones way is not optional in ones thinking. Love can't use force and remain love. Love must woo, entice, attract. It is the beauty of a loving character that attracts. The narcissist has a twisted, ugly, and evil character which becomes apparent if you find yourself under a narcissist's power and control. To keep you in their power they must use force otherwise you would leave them to rot in their personal hell alone. Recognize it for what it is. Don't call what they do and say "love". It never was and never will be. They are tyrants and despots in their hearts. One of the powerful tools of enslavement of your soul is by their perverted definitions of love. Their demands for obedience always involve force in some form. If you are complying to their whims, wishes, commands from any of the above motivations then you are not motivated by love for that person either. You are their slave; physically, emotionally and mentally. Free yourself. That is what real love requires. Real love will not aide and abet evil.

Love = freedom of your will and your soul to do right.
Force = slavery of your will and your soul to do evil.

Are you a slave, or are you free?

5 comments:

Jaylynne51 said...

You said:

"A forced obedience is no obedience at all, but rather it is slavery.
A manipulated obedience is no obedience at all, but deception.
A purchased obedience is no obedience at all, but bribery.
An obedience rendered in fear of adverse consequences is no obedience at all, but self-preservation.

All the above statements bring clear memories to my mind of my mother's methods in raising me. She used every perverted and externally imposed force to achieve compliance. There was no way to assuage her anger and rage, her petulance and sulking, her explicit or implicit expectations except by total compliance and capitulation."

I frequently feel that although you are at least 10 years younger than I, you have some link to my own experiences. As if you were an invisible prescence in the room who could distill the essence of the insanity in my childhood and articulate it far better than I ever could.

Thank you.

Anna Valerious said...

Thank you, Jaylynne. I am quite sure there is a link between our experiences! As unique as the narcissist believes they are...in basic structure and principle they are all little cookie cutters.

I'm 47...how old are you?

Pokeberry Mary said...

I know this is terribly old, but that last paragraph or two--I need to copy and paste into my journal to REMIND me what was wrong-- about being Forced as an adult to do things or invoke the wrath of mom. Dumb things--like attend a party-- so not her business. And here I am still feeling screwy sometimes long after she has gone, and trying to get a grip on emotions that crop up.

Anna Valerious said...

Hi Mary,

Yes, it is an old post, but just as relevant and true 100 years from now as when written.

Wishing you well!

Hayley said...

Thank you, bless you, kind Anna, for NOT feeling sorry for the narcissist for not being able to 'love'!

My mother CHOOSES not to love. It IS in her capacity, should she choose to humble herself for a moment!

To love someone (a child, anyone) requires personal risk - the risk of rejection! You can love someone and have them not love you. For most of us, that's a regrettable and lamentable situation. You grieve, you move on.

But for the narcissist - I think it's INTOLERABLE! They CANNOT risk rejection because it would damage their self-esteem! And anything that risks damaging their self-worth is contemptible!

So they don't love, by choice. They don't come out of their shell and play nice with anyone. They get all twisted up and bitter and then they hurt people to make themselves feel better. Even their own innocent babies. The demand you love them, but you get NOTHING but abuse in return! Because, I think, if you're capable of loving, they are ENVIOUS OF EVEN THAT! And they resent you for it!!!

And you know what? I also am beginning to think they're aware of it, too. That they actively and daily CHOOSE not to love. I'm willing to bet it's a source of pride! "I'm FAR too intelligent to fall for such childish emotional hogwash!"

(My mother is also "far too intelligent" to fall for Christianity (her words). This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard her say! "You can't pull that crap on me! I see it for the scam it is!") :)

Yeah, what a scam. Love thy neighbour as thyself. Who'd want a world like that?! ;)

Everyone would. Everyone except the Narcissists, maybe. Then they couldn't be "better" or "above" or "different" than everyone else! What would become of them?! :)