It was around two years before my mother pulled the stunt that precipitated my decision to cut her out of my life. The year 2000 thereabouts. The process of my emotional distancing from her had embarked on its final stages in 1998 after an event where I was forced to fully acknowledge to myself that my mother was hopelessly chilish and selfish, controlling and sinisterly manipulative, a big, fat liar and dangerous.
Mother's Day was coming and I was feeling very pressured. I had reached the point where I could see that none of the Mother's Day cards applied to my mother. Combine that fact with how she had been ratcheting up her expectations for gifts on Mother's Day year by year. Now she was habitually providing "clues" as to what she would like to get for Mother's Day. She would issue the gift list in such a way as it was supposed that she was simply expressing, wistfully, the things she wanted. We would be out at the mall, or she'd be looking at catalogs, or simply during the course of a conversation. Or, annoyingly enough, she would openly covet my or my sister's possessions and threaten to take them! We would often buy her what we had just so we could keep what we had. Mom's wish list was an ever-lengthening one. We were told we should appreciate how easy she was making it for us to "get it right".
She had castigated my sister a year earlier for not sending her a Mother's Day card. Sister was told, "I want a card on Mother's Day!" "But, Mom" protested my sister, "I sent you a lovely gift, remember?!" Mom is shameless and undeterred. "Cards are not optional." Mom then assumed her sickly saccharine and slightly girlish tone, "I have a special box I put all my cards in. Then I go back from time to time to re-read them. It makes me happy to look at them. I love cards, and I expect to get them on Mother's Day."
Whew, boy. That got my goat. I realize now that her box of cards was a supply source to my mother. She would go back and read all these cards that describe other people's mothers...certainly not ours...and pat herself on the back for being wonderful. All I knew at that time is that she took the last smidgen of pleasure out of giving her cards and gifts on Mother's Day because it now stipulated that it was OUR DUTY to do so. She was quick to chastise and complain when we didn't perform up to her standards.
In this rather pissy mood I was having to figure out what to do for Mother's Day all the while hating the fact that it was such an onerous task. I was seeing her for the petulant, demanding and bratty bitch she really is and wasn't keen on giving her what she was insisting was hers by right.
I got a bit cheeky.
Okay, before I get to the cheeky part, a little bit of background on my mother's mental paradigm. Many years ago she started being attracted to conspiracy theories after getting her hands on the book, "Fourth Reich of the Rich". This was 1980 or so. I have mentioned her penchant for conspiracy theories in one or two other posts. What I haven't mentioned yet was how her descent into paranoid conspiracy theories went along with a keen interest in finding all the pagan origins of the various holidays that we observe today. (No, she isn't a Jehovah's Witness.) The pagan origins of Christmas was her favorite thing to go on and on about. Santa is one evil little demon in her estimation. Anyone that jolly, cheerful and generous must be evil, right? Heh.
The pagan roots of Christmas did present a dilemma for her because she loves Christmas. She decorates like Martha Steward on steroids. She can't resist putting up that 'pagan' tree each and every year and decorating it in Better Homes and Gardens style. It takes her hours and hours just to find the perfect tree...and then more hours and hours to decorate it. She must have her huge Christmas Eve feast ala Mexican food which requires hours and hours of cooking and preparation. Everything is done from scratch and all authentic-like. How does she justify going all out on this most pagan (in her estimation) of holidays? She Jesus-ifies it. As spiritual head of the family (and anyone else in her circle of 'friends') she is single-handedly sanctifying Christmas. I don't think she succeeds in putting Jesus back into Christmas, but she sure as hell thinks she does. I won't go into how she Jesus-ifies Christmas...at least, not in this post. Suffice it to say she is convinced that, in her house, Christmas has been unpaganified. Yeah, I just made that word up. She can have her cake and eat it too with a wave of her magic wand. Christmas has been used by her for decades to milk huge quantities of supply from her family and her satellite audience. She MUST have Christmas despite her condemnation of its pagan roots.
Back to Mother's Day. So what did I, in my annoyed state, do? I created some vapid little card on my computer. I wasn't in any mood to go to Hallmark that year. Then I did a search on the Internet...it had occurred to me that perhaps Mother's Day had some of its own pagan roots. I hit the motherlode. Heh. I then found the article I thought best summed up the pagan origins of Mother's Day and printed it out on some nice, purty stationery. It was kinda like wrapping up a dog turd with wrapping paper and ribbon. I folded it up and slid it inside her Mother's Day card. "Happy Pagan Mother's Day, ya bitch." That was the covert message.
I knew it would only accomplish one thing. If I rubbed the pagan origins of Mother's Day in my mom's face, I knew it would not have the effect of convincing her we should leave off commemorating the day. I had Christmas to amply prove that pagan origins mean nothing when gifts and attention are on the line. I knew I would only succeed in sending her my covert message of discontent. Can't say my exercise did much good except as an exercise for me. I was flexing my full autonomy muscles. I was practicing rebellion toward her rules of subservience and worship. In that sense, I suppose it paid off in the end.
I was amused by my little act of rebellion. I was further amused by her not mentioning one word about it. I let a little time go by. She eventually brought up her Mother's Day gift that I had given her. It was my opening. "What did you think of that interesting information I sent on the pagan origins of Mother's Day?" I asked in my most light and casual voice accompanied with an interested smile. "Oh", she shrugged, "it was interesting." Only, the way she said it I knew it wasn't interesting. Zero enthusiasm. Not her usual reaction when we get on the happy topic of pagan roots. I cheerfully continued, "I knew you'd think so! I know how interested you are in the pagan origins of things, so I wanted to pass that along to you." She dropped the subject by switching to a completely different topic. I knew that meant she hated what I did. I smiled internally and patted myself on the back. Message received.
The point to this post? I'm not sure there is one. It is just an anecdote that is only possibly interesting given the season of Mother's Day. So, there ya go, I shared it. It is memories like this that make my freedom on this holiday especially sweet. My mother received three more Mother's Day gifts after this one. Three more cards picked off the general section...where you'd find a card for a nice old lady you barely know. I guess she has to go to her box of saved cards in order to get through this day now.
For the record, I believe that honoring a good mother on Mother's Day is a nice thing to do. The day is what you make of it. The day is resurrected to its pagan origins when applied to the narcissist mother who demands the day be a day of obeisance and service to her 'holiness'. So, yeah, in that sense the day can be equated with whatever pagan associations its past contains.
Apparently some modern day 'goddesses' would like to remind us of the pagan origins of the day...a day to worship Gaia. Motha Earth. Click here.
A short overview of the origins of the day can be found here. This one is very similar to the info I sent my mother.
There are lots of people out there who believe in every delicious conspiracy theory that comes along. I would guess that most of them are not narcissists. But I suspect the more paranoid Ns are often attracted to conspiracy theories if they catch wind of them. If you have someone who pummels you with conspiracy theories to the point where you start thinking it might be true, or you simply want to pinch their heads off, you may find Jon Ronson's book, "Them: Adventures with Extremists" to be helpful. I put a link to it in the sidebar. I heard this guy interviewed some weeks back and then read an article by Ronson on his visit to the Bohemian Grove. (If you know anything about conspiracy theories then you've heard about The Grove and their supposed worship of the Owl God.) This book is the result of extensive time spent with various and widely philosophically divergent extremist groups. As different as many of these groups are from each other they have something in common. They all seem to believe in similar conspiracy theories about the Illuminati, the Bilderbergers, Skull and Bones, etc. If you're in need of a look at these theories through fresh eyes, Ronson is your guy. He came out the other side of his investigation still not a believer. Although he got close at one point. Funny story. He is better known for his humorist writing...now he has applied that humor to a rather dark subject. I've been unpleasantly surprised from time to time when a fellow church member starts whispering to me about the Illuminati and Freemasons, etc. Before this book, I would resist rolling my eyes before telling them I've been hearing this stuff for decades. I usually know more than they do on it (thanks, mom). They are baffled when they see I don't believe in "them". I'm grateful for this resource so I can more effectively shove a little reality back at them. If you believe in "them", gosh darn, sorry about this paragraph. Check out the book anyway. It could simply be more proof of how much effort "they" will go to in order to convince us "they" don't exist. Ronson is likely one of THEM.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wow! Thank you all...
I just checked my Amazon Associates account and was amazed and humbled, and yes, a bit surprised to see so many of you buying at Amazon through my site! Thanks to all of you who are clicking through my site I have made over $30 so far. Ya'll just pushed me into the 6.5% referral rate this morning when the 31st item was shipped. Probably the person most shocked is my husband. He predicted I might end up with about three nickels to rub together. You all have put a smile on his face too. Thank you, thank you and thank you. I'm feelin' the love.
Sherbie has been posturing in about three dozen completely captivating poses telling me I MUST take pictures of him for your viewing enjoyment. Thing is...the batteries on the camera are kaput, and I haven't been able to get to the store to buy new ones. I discovered this fact when I grabbed the camera to catch the Sherblet in one of his many cute configurations. Sherb apologizes for the ineptness of his human.
Thank you so much for your kindness in shopping through my site. I am more grateful than I can say.
Sherbie has been posturing in about three dozen completely captivating poses telling me I MUST take pictures of him for your viewing enjoyment. Thing is...the batteries on the camera are kaput, and I haven't been able to get to the store to buy new ones. I discovered this fact when I grabbed the camera to catch the Sherblet in one of his many cute configurations. Sherb apologizes for the ineptness of his human.
Thank you so much for your kindness in shopping through my site. I am more grateful than I can say.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
On a Tear: More Comments on Evil Mothers
From "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers":
She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.
This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime.
At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist:
An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation to achieve a result.
The word most often is applied in a political sense, but how is what the narcissist mother does to her children not the acts of a terrorist? "Violence, terror and intimidation". Heaping servings are dished out to the offspring of a narcissist mother. Daily fare. Routine.
To mention the routine-ness of the terrorizing is not in any way to diminish its horrid effects. It simply serves to underline what the grown children of a narcissist parent has survived. It is no small thing to survive the parenting, aka terrorizing, of the malignant narcissist. It is an achievement. A triumph of the human spirit.
Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared.
Here is described the demand of the narcissist mother that you assume a total submissive posture toward her at all times. "You might be spared." There is no way to be completely safe from the rage of the narcissist.
Sam Vaknin describes the two postures you can take in dealing with a narcissist. The submissive posture and conflictive one. When he concludes his comments on what the submissive posture will require from you, he says this:
It is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser's next meal.
Again, I only quote Vaknin when I know from my personal experience and observation that he is correctly describing something. This is one of those times. If you proceed to read his comments on the "conflictive posture" of dealing with a narcissist you come out at the end realizing that he is telling you something very important. Whether you submit or resist, living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it. They are irredeemable, intractable, predatory. No matter your approach, the narcissist will manage to get some blows in.
What I find very interesting whenever I have read Vaknin prescribing going no contact he issues the strictest of orders. He is being helpful on this account as well. There is no way to allow even the slightest bit of contact with a malignant narcissist and have "no contact" remain in place. The lack of contact must be absolute and unappealable.
Back to the reality that narcissist mothers terrorize their own children. On what planet should such a mother be applauded, 'honored', bequeathed with gifts? Can we see that to do so is to dishonor good mothers? What is the point of honoring a good mother when evil mothers are accorded the same accolades? Can anyone else see how this makes Mother's Day into a mockery?? Is there ever any safe contact with a terrorist, even on this High Holy Day of Mothers? Highly doubtful.
I realize that some of my readers had a narcissist father instead of a mother. I think you can see how much of what applies to the N mom also applies to the N dad. I didn't have a N dad therefore I speak about N moms. On occasion, as I read from message boards online I see there is a general ignorance of even the existence of narcissist mothers. So I make no apology of putting extra emphasis on this type of parent. There is still too little recognition of the reality that there are malignant narcissist mothers out there. N mothers have some very different tactics that they employ against their children. Her game is often much more subtle than the N father. Hence, she often escapes the scrutiny of the general public. Come Mother's Day we who have N mothers are assailed with the multiplicity of expectations that demand we pretend the terrorist mother we have had all our lives is, ultimately, our 'holy' mother deserving of at least some credit.
I am rebelling. Publicly rebelling.
This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit. She donated an egg. Big deal. After that, she assumed my life was hers to consume at will. I was not even granted the right to be a separate human being. I was simply granted status to be an alternate life source to her majesty. My mother has more in common with Elizabeth of Bathory than anyone would care to admit. She simply lacked the power and opportunity to fully express the evil she was capable of. Do I give her credit for that? Does she earn some kind of "good mother" credits because she didn't abuse me more simply because she lacked a way to get away with it? No, not anymore.
I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day. So be it. I do not believe that Hallmark or the government has been given the authority of Heaven to saint a day for mothers. Duh.
I know with all certainty that honoring evil has never been commanded of the Christian. Call me unbiblical if you will...I know the truth of it. I know that my mother is not my Creator. All due honor goes to Him. She, because of her evil actions, gets her duly earned dishonor. I am not dishonoring her. She has dishonored herself. I am simply recognizing that fact. The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity. I have sheltered her from public exposure. You do not know who she is. You may meet her tomorrow, but you'll never know that you have. Therefore, she is not truly exposed here on my blog. I am describing EveryEvilMother. Not an individual. So, in a very real sense, I have protected her. That is the only 'honor' I am left to bequeath to her.
She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.
This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime.
At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist:
An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation to achieve a result.
The word most often is applied in a political sense, but how is what the narcissist mother does to her children not the acts of a terrorist? "Violence, terror and intimidation". Heaping servings are dished out to the offspring of a narcissist mother. Daily fare. Routine.
To mention the routine-ness of the terrorizing is not in any way to diminish its horrid effects. It simply serves to underline what the grown children of a narcissist parent has survived. It is no small thing to survive the parenting, aka terrorizing, of the malignant narcissist. It is an achievement. A triumph of the human spirit.
Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared.
Here is described the demand of the narcissist mother that you assume a total submissive posture toward her at all times. "You might be spared." There is no way to be completely safe from the rage of the narcissist.
Sam Vaknin describes the two postures you can take in dealing with a narcissist. The submissive posture and conflictive one. When he concludes his comments on what the submissive posture will require from you, he says this:
It is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser's next meal.
Again, I only quote Vaknin when I know from my personal experience and observation that he is correctly describing something. This is one of those times. If you proceed to read his comments on the "conflictive posture" of dealing with a narcissist you come out at the end realizing that he is telling you something very important. Whether you submit or resist, living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it. They are irredeemable, intractable, predatory. No matter your approach, the narcissist will manage to get some blows in.
What I find very interesting whenever I have read Vaknin prescribing going no contact he issues the strictest of orders. He is being helpful on this account as well. There is no way to allow even the slightest bit of contact with a malignant narcissist and have "no contact" remain in place. The lack of contact must be absolute and unappealable.
Back to the reality that narcissist mothers terrorize their own children. On what planet should such a mother be applauded, 'honored', bequeathed with gifts? Can we see that to do so is to dishonor good mothers? What is the point of honoring a good mother when evil mothers are accorded the same accolades? Can anyone else see how this makes Mother's Day into a mockery?? Is there ever any safe contact with a terrorist, even on this High Holy Day of Mothers? Highly doubtful.
I realize that some of my readers had a narcissist father instead of a mother. I think you can see how much of what applies to the N mom also applies to the N dad. I didn't have a N dad therefore I speak about N moms. On occasion, as I read from message boards online I see there is a general ignorance of even the existence of narcissist mothers. So I make no apology of putting extra emphasis on this type of parent. There is still too little recognition of the reality that there are malignant narcissist mothers out there. N mothers have some very different tactics that they employ against their children. Her game is often much more subtle than the N father. Hence, she often escapes the scrutiny of the general public. Come Mother's Day we who have N mothers are assailed with the multiplicity of expectations that demand we pretend the terrorist mother we have had all our lives is, ultimately, our 'holy' mother deserving of at least some credit.
I am rebelling. Publicly rebelling.
This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit. She donated an egg. Big deal. After that, she assumed my life was hers to consume at will. I was not even granted the right to be a separate human being. I was simply granted status to be an alternate life source to her majesty. My mother has more in common with Elizabeth of Bathory than anyone would care to admit. She simply lacked the power and opportunity to fully express the evil she was capable of. Do I give her credit for that? Does she earn some kind of "good mother" credits because she didn't abuse me more simply because she lacked a way to get away with it? No, not anymore.
I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day. So be it. I do not believe that Hallmark or the government has been given the authority of Heaven to saint a day for mothers. Duh.
I know with all certainty that honoring evil has never been commanded of the Christian. Call me unbiblical if you will...I know the truth of it. I know that my mother is not my Creator. All due honor goes to Him. She, because of her evil actions, gets her duly earned dishonor. I am not dishonoring her. She has dishonored herself. I am simply recognizing that fact. The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity. I have sheltered her from public exposure. You do not know who she is. You may meet her tomorrow, but you'll never know that you have. Therefore, she is not truly exposed here on my blog. I am describing EveryEvilMother. Not an individual. So, in a very real sense, I have protected her. That is the only 'honor' I am left to bequeath to her.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Okay, Just One More Song...
I think ya'll are ready for one more song to rock you the rest of the way through the weekend. I promise to not post another song for awhile, but I really think you're gonna get into this one. It is titled "Fighter". No, I'm not a big Christina Aguilera fan. She has an awesome voice, but a lot of her songs don't do it for me. This one kicks butt. I'm going to post the lyrics on this since you may not catch every word. Every word is worth catching. Direct every word to the narcissist in your life.
Oh, and be sure to crank it up...
Fighter
When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Oh, ohh
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh
After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Oh, and be sure to crank it up...
Fighter
When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Oh, ohh
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh
After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Friday, April 18, 2008
Because I'm in that kind of mood today...
JoDee Messina sold an album the day I heard "My Give a Damn's Busted". It so summed up my mood at that time as I was feeling that way about my sister...and mother.
I'm feeling it today. Probably because of today's earlier post. It is a good feeling. A feeling of finally breaking free of something that had weighed me down for so long. The spunkiness of this song and how it celebrates breaking through the bull shit. Yeah. I'm feelin' it.
So you can feel it too...
I'm feeling it today. Probably because of today's earlier post. It is a good feeling. A feeling of finally breaking free of something that had weighed me down for so long. The spunkiness of this song and how it celebrates breaking through the bull shit. Yeah. I'm feelin' it.
So you can feel it too...
Narcissist Mothers Suck
I need to put in a clear disclaimer at the outset of this post. I love motherhood. In fact, I am someone who thinks there is no more important job in the world than being a mother. It is my deep, sincere respect for the high office of motherhood that motivates me to highlight the fact that there are mothers out there who have more in common with a serial killer than with true motherhood. These monsters who clothe themselves with the sacerdotal cloth of motherhood while terrorizing the fruit of her womb are worthy of no honor on this day set aside to thank good and decent mothers. Yes, I know very well that all mothers make mistakes. We could never honor any mother if the qualifications for honor were that she never have made any mistakes in raising her young. I don't believe in perfect motherhood. I do believe that good and decent mothers make mistakes, but she more than makes up for them by the fact that she unfailingly loves her children and puts their best interests ahead of her own.
That being said...
I keep thinking these last several days that I should continue on the theme of horrendously rotten and evil narcissist mothers in this run up to the Day of Days. There just isn't enough rotten mother bashing out there this time of year.
I want to be that place.
The place where people can come to ritually poop on the hallowed altar of Worshipful Motherhood. A place to cleanse yourself of the saccharine sweetness of pretense which assumes every mother is worthy of accolades and wreaths and undying adoration. Should you refuse to bequeath honors upon your narcissist mother on this High Holy Day you make yourself into a personification of ingratitude in the eyes of the ignorant.
I don't blame the ignorant for their ignorance on this matter. In fact, there is something kind of innocent and sweet about them. They had a mother who truly loved them. How can they conceptualize a mother who is the complete inverse of good motherhood? What precedent could they use to pattern your mother after? Only fictional ones. Which is why they think these mothers only live in fiction. Therefore, you are making it up. Only the children who have witnessed the evil mother behind closed doors...the only place where her true evil was on full display...can attest to the existence of the soul-sucking mother who actually hates her children. Don't despise the innocent folk who were blessed with loving mothers. In fact, try to shelter these innocents from the truth of your mother. They are not equipped to handle what you know. Spare them when possible. Your mother is the stuff of nightmares. Don't foist those nightmares on the innocent if you can avoid doing so.
Only narcissist mothers demand that Mother's Day be a day to worship them. Which is why I call it Worshipful Mother's Day. The narcissist mother doesn't want sincere affection, sincere gifts, sincere thank yous. No, they want worship. As I've said before, truly good mothers don't demand attention on this day. But the malignant narcissist mother knows somewhere in her evil heart that she must demand the appearance of such things because she hasn't earned them. The truth is, appearances are all she wants. Genuineness is completely lost on her. The narcissist is consumed by appearances therefore they are incapable of appreciating the genuine.
The evil mother feels that society itself has lent its considerable influence and imprimatur to compel her children to honor her dishonorableness. She is more than happy to exploit the shame which will come upon disobedient children who refuse to bring their annual sacrifice to her altar on her day. You see, to the narcissist mother Mother's Day has the force of the government behind it. She believes that Mother's Day is like a blue law. She believes worship of her on this day is compelled by the highest powers-that-be. On this day, she is not the lawbreaker. You are. She deserves honor on this day because Gub'ment sez so. Never mind all the laws of goodness, morality and true motherhood she has broken over the years. On this special day to her Worshipful Honor her lawbreaking is set aside. You become the lawbreaker on this day should you withhold from her whatever she demands. At least, that is how she reckons it.
This is childish and legalistic thinking. In other words, this is just more of the same narcissist crap thinking piled higher and deeper.
We need to, at this point, differentiate between truly honoring ones parent(s) as commanded by the Bible and this idea that on one day a year you can fulfill your obligation in that regard. Truly honoring your parent doesn't include honoring them in their evil. I've discussed this in my two posts on the fifth commandment. Conversely, you can't fulfill that commandment by dishonoring your parent 364 days a year and then make up for it all on Mother's Day. Can we just remember that for most of human history there has been no such day as Mother's Day? If Mother's Day was intrinsic to "honor thy mother..." don't you think that God Himself would have handed down the command to set up such a day from Sinai? He didn't. So can we separate out Mother's Day and Father's Day from the command to "honor thy father and mother..."?? The Hallmark holidays have nothing whatsoever to do with truly honoring ones parents. In fact, I think a case could be made that setting up these two holidays have done more to trivialize how we honor good mother and fatherhood than to elevate our conceptions of these important roles.
What I'm trying to drive home in this post is that the narcissist mother demands a caricature of honor on Mother's Day. Caving into every whim and demand of a narcissist on Mother's Day is by no means a true demonstration of honor. There is no honor in giving honor to dishonor. Ever. I want it crystal clear that the narcissist mother goes way beyond demanding "honor". She demands worship. And that conflicts with the first commandment, "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me."
The only law you break when you abdicate from Worshipful Mother's Day is the law of the lawbreaker herself. I can live with that.
Icon credit.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Approach of Worshipful Mother's Day
The pitty-pat of the approach of Mother's Day in the U.S. is even now discernible. A month away, I'm sure some of you are starting to feel the creeping dread rise up in your throat. Your stomach sinks; your heart squeezes in the vise-grip of expectations of family and society-at-large to bequeath honor on the dishonorable. At the other end of whatever I end up writing here today, I'll direct you to my ode to evil mothers written last year since I'm not sure I have anything better to say on it. Let me stop for a moment here and tap into my internal rage and see if anything else comes up.
Ummmm, ummmmmnnn. This coffee is too good--it's put me in my happy place.
Perhaps I'll recount for you part of a conversation with my husband yesterday. We were discussing the comment that I dealt with this last week here and here. Hubby brought up the presumption of the commenter that I was selfishly motivated as well as the implication that I had casually tossed away my relationship with my N mother.
My husband said, "I don't think people with poor imaginations (like that commenter) can even begin to conceptualize how difficult it was for you. You agonized over how to deal with your mother. I watched you struggle. I saw your intense distress over what to do about your relationship with your mother. I saw you do everything you could to try to repair the relationship without surrendering your integrity. I saw her reject your efforts. Ultimately, your mother forced you to make the decision to cut her off from you and your family, but it was not something you did quickly or easily. There was no glee in you in cutting her off. It became an obvious necessity after several years of agonizing and effort to salvage some kind of relationship with her. For much of that time you knew nothing about malignant narcissism. You simply knew something was terribly wrong."
There you have a snippet of outside observation of my attitude and behavior in dealing with my malignantly narcissistic mother. I hope you haven't mistaken my firm resolve and clarity of thought and opinion as being the place I started from. I struggled, I cried, I shook in fear, I lost many nights of sleep, I suffered physically, I spent long hours in thought, I studied, I truly did agonize.
This blog represents the outcome of all that pain and difficulty. What I have hoped to accomplish here is shortening someone else's trip through this land mine ridden emotional territory. I have hoped to help you see things from the vantage point of victory over the tyranny of narcissists to give you hope and resolve to make the hard decisions; to give you something solid to hang your faith on that it'll be better on the other side. I have come out the other side with no regrets and with my integrity firmly in place. Good people want to do the right thing so they can live with a clear conscience. I think I have had something to share on that account.
I stopped surrendering my morals and my intelligence to the narcissist. My conscience is clear. My life is my own. Here, on this blog, I have shared with you my hard earned strength, acquired wisdom, and experience with the desire that, if necessary, you can borrow from me in order to proceed toward freedom in your own life. My hope has been to share with you the principles that guided my thinking so that you can shape your own thinking and make these good outcomes your own. So you too can have a guilt-free as well as a narcissist-free life...and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
I think most of you have active enough imaginations to grasp the concept that I have wrestled, battled, and fought with myself and my upbringing in order to get to the place of peace I now live in. It was my desperate clinging to truth, i.e. reality, that brought me out into the light. Being a Christian, I had to examine each issue carefully within the framework of morality. I have shared my discoveries there as well. I can tell you will absolute certitude that without my understanding of the gospel I think I would have wandered interminably in the wilderness of slavery to the narcissists in my life. I don't think it is obvious to many why that would be...but, it is true nonetheless.
When I started on the road that eventually led to my no longer having someone I call 'mother', I didn't even begin to envision that outcome. I certainly never imagined no longer having my father in my life. In fact, I desperately didn't want to lose my father in the process of trying to hold my mother to account for her bad treatment of my own daughter. Even though I didn't want to lose my father, I didn't make that desire my guiding principle. I had to be willing to risk losing him to do right by my mother, and to do right by my own family and myself...ultimately to God. I knew what I was risking when I decided to take a stand against my mother's predations of the weaker members of our family. As much as I didn't want to lose the favor and love of my father, I didn't let that desire over rule the course integrity should take.
Alas, my narcissist-appeasing father made his own choice. He made it clear he didn't want me if I wasn't willing to continue to quietly stand by whenever my mother decided to eat a family member. Was there no struggle with the possibility of losing my father forever because I had decided to no longer wink and nod when my mother cannibalized her family? Of course there was. It was another dark struggle I contended with.
There are terribly hard choices one has to make when deciding to hold a narcissist to account for their evil behavior. To hold that narcissist to account is most likely going to lead you to the realization you can't safely keep them in your life anymore. This can lead to what seems like dire outcomes when you're talking about a narcissist family member. You will very likely lose other family members. In the beginning that can seem like too high a price to pay. For some, it likely is too high of a price. For many of us, freedom of mind, body and soul is well worth the cost in the long run. Yeah, the long run is where the benefits are reaped. The short term is painful and costly. Ultimately, each person has to decide what they value most. For me...that is freedom. Moral, intellectual, spiritual, emotional freedom. Priceless.
To read my ode to bad mothers on Mother's Day, click here.
Ummmm, ummmmmnnn. This coffee is too good--it's put me in my happy place.
Perhaps I'll recount for you part of a conversation with my husband yesterday. We were discussing the comment that I dealt with this last week here and here. Hubby brought up the presumption of the commenter that I was selfishly motivated as well as the implication that I had casually tossed away my relationship with my N mother.
My husband said, "I don't think people with poor imaginations (like that commenter) can even begin to conceptualize how difficult it was for you. You agonized over how to deal with your mother. I watched you struggle. I saw your intense distress over what to do about your relationship with your mother. I saw you do everything you could to try to repair the relationship without surrendering your integrity. I saw her reject your efforts. Ultimately, your mother forced you to make the decision to cut her off from you and your family, but it was not something you did quickly or easily. There was no glee in you in cutting her off. It became an obvious necessity after several years of agonizing and effort to salvage some kind of relationship with her. For much of that time you knew nothing about malignant narcissism. You simply knew something was terribly wrong."
There you have a snippet of outside observation of my attitude and behavior in dealing with my malignantly narcissistic mother. I hope you haven't mistaken my firm resolve and clarity of thought and opinion as being the place I started from. I struggled, I cried, I shook in fear, I lost many nights of sleep, I suffered physically, I spent long hours in thought, I studied, I truly did agonize.
This blog represents the outcome of all that pain and difficulty. What I have hoped to accomplish here is shortening someone else's trip through this land mine ridden emotional territory. I have hoped to help you see things from the vantage point of victory over the tyranny of narcissists to give you hope and resolve to make the hard decisions; to give you something solid to hang your faith on that it'll be better on the other side. I have come out the other side with no regrets and with my integrity firmly in place. Good people want to do the right thing so they can live with a clear conscience. I think I have had something to share on that account.
I stopped surrendering my morals and my intelligence to the narcissist. My conscience is clear. My life is my own. Here, on this blog, I have shared with you my hard earned strength, acquired wisdom, and experience with the desire that, if necessary, you can borrow from me in order to proceed toward freedom in your own life. My hope has been to share with you the principles that guided my thinking so that you can shape your own thinking and make these good outcomes your own. So you too can have a guilt-free as well as a narcissist-free life...and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
I think most of you have active enough imaginations to grasp the concept that I have wrestled, battled, and fought with myself and my upbringing in order to get to the place of peace I now live in. It was my desperate clinging to truth, i.e. reality, that brought me out into the light. Being a Christian, I had to examine each issue carefully within the framework of morality. I have shared my discoveries there as well. I can tell you will absolute certitude that without my understanding of the gospel I think I would have wandered interminably in the wilderness of slavery to the narcissists in my life. I don't think it is obvious to many why that would be...but, it is true nonetheless.
When I started on the road that eventually led to my no longer having someone I call 'mother', I didn't even begin to envision that outcome. I certainly never imagined no longer having my father in my life. In fact, I desperately didn't want to lose my father in the process of trying to hold my mother to account for her bad treatment of my own daughter. Even though I didn't want to lose my father, I didn't make that desire my guiding principle. I had to be willing to risk losing him to do right by my mother, and to do right by my own family and myself...ultimately to God. I knew what I was risking when I decided to take a stand against my mother's predations of the weaker members of our family. As much as I didn't want to lose the favor and love of my father, I didn't let that desire over rule the course integrity should take.
Alas, my narcissist-appeasing father made his own choice. He made it clear he didn't want me if I wasn't willing to continue to quietly stand by whenever my mother decided to eat a family member. Was there no struggle with the possibility of losing my father forever because I had decided to no longer wink and nod when my mother cannibalized her family? Of course there was. It was another dark struggle I contended with.
There are terribly hard choices one has to make when deciding to hold a narcissist to account for their evil behavior. To hold that narcissist to account is most likely going to lead you to the realization you can't safely keep them in your life anymore. This can lead to what seems like dire outcomes when you're talking about a narcissist family member. You will very likely lose other family members. In the beginning that can seem like too high a price to pay. For some, it likely is too high of a price. For many of us, freedom of mind, body and soul is well worth the cost in the long run. Yeah, the long run is where the benefits are reaped. The short term is painful and costly. Ultimately, each person has to decide what they value most. For me...that is freedom. Moral, intellectual, spiritual, emotional freedom. Priceless.
To read my ode to bad mothers on Mother's Day, click here.
Friday, April 11, 2008
As Per Request...
I was asked to revisit the comment that I parsed out in this post and make a more thorough job of it. The request came because I had glossed over a couple of paragraphs due to my boredom with the lame arguments therein. Because the request was coming from someone who found themselves disquieted by those glossed-over-by-me paragraphs I have found the motivation to finish the job. I don't want anyone to be struggling with residual discomfort from the words of an ignorant, drive-by Christian. I will pick up where I left off. The commenter's words are in italics.
God's word gives us clear principles to live by as far as dealing with those who are living in sin.
Yes, it does give us those "clear principles". The principles vary depending on whether or not the sinner is a repentant one or not. This person doesn't acknowledge that fact. Many of the claims of this commenter I have dealt with in my second post on the 5th commandment. In my post, "A Wicked Man", I deal with the problem of other Christians instructing us to stay in a relationship with an evil person, and how doing so contradicts God's own commands.
We are no better. Their sinful selfish attitude is no worse than any one of our sins. We all need the SAME Grace.
While I do not argue that we all are recipients of the same grace, I find it repugnant to pull the moral equivalence gambit when we are talking about the kinds of cruel abuses and predatory and evil behaviors of malignant narcissists. There is a chasm of difference between a sinner who recognizes their need for forgiveness and salvation and the malignant narcissist who consistently and persistently practices his life of vileness all the while acting like they need no such grace. Sorry, you can't make those two things equal and be any kind of consistent or rational. Or Biblical.
If we are truly going to deal with Narcissism in a Biblical manner then we need to use all of God's word not just parts of it to fulfill our own needs and desires.
Which is what I do...and what this commenter has not done. In the very blog post this person was commenting on he/she had overlooked strong Biblical statements which are positive commands for Christians to "walk away" from evil doers. I'm not the one picking and choosing which part of God's word to follow.
Just in case you are wondering, my mother is narcissistic. I was raised by her. Still struggling with her.
I think we can all understand why this person is "still struggling" with their narcissistic mother. That struggle will last until the old woman is laid in her grave.
But I will not adhere to un-biblical principals just to satisfy my own selfish desires to be "free of her". I want to do things God's way and help to restore her to her Saviour and our relationship to one that God wants it to be.
This is an naked accusation. By that I mean the accusation bears no proof with it. The accusation is laid, and the pretense which goes along with it is that this accusation alone proves the author's point. It does no such thing. Where is their proof that I am presenting un-biblical principals to support my so-called selfish desires? I have laid out the biblical support for my statements. Where is this persons proof? The only texts they presented demonstrably support my view, not theirs.
The next few words reveal the basis of their emotional fervor: the belief that the redemption of their mother is dependent on this person's own faith and spiritual virtue. I have already identified this as proceeding from a savior complex. Please read here and here. I know some Christians feel like they are demonstrating a lack of faith in their God's ability to save someone if they should walk away from the evil doer. This is itself unbiblical. God can save...you can't. Get over yourself, get out of the way, let God do His thing. He doesn't need you to hang in there for eternity with an evil doer in order to save the evil doer. He has specifically told you to get away from the persistent evil doer. Quit disobeying the God you are pretending to be obeying.
Dividing us is Satan's work.
This kind of categoric statement annoys me to no end. Probably because it is becoming such a popular mantra in Christianity. I mentally roll my eyes now when I hear this one. I heard it so many times from my sister that it became a standard part of her phone calls to me for years. There was "war in heaven". God Himself took up some kind of arms against the angelic rebels in order to "cast them out. See this post. Christ boldly proclaimed He is a divider when he said he "came not to send peace but a sword". Matt. 10:34-36. "I came to set at variance..." Um, looks to me like Christ himself is laying claim to being a divider. Strong words to claim that all division is "Satan's work". This person has condemned their own Savior.
By the way, ya'll may find it mildly interesting that the commenter above came back to my blog yesterday afternoon. Since I wrote down all their particulars, ISP, IP address, city, state, google search words, I immediately noticed the stats when the person came back. I kept track of the info because I was curious to see if this person would be returning to my blog. Well, they did. Using the exact same search words, "biblical view of narcissism", they hopped onto my blog via the very post where I parsed out their own comment. This person then did about 10 page views spending about 35 minutes on the blog. Their "out click" was the comments on the blog post, "Breathing Example of Last Post". So this person saw not only what I had to say, but what you all had to say too. The part I find especially interesting about this is that they didn't come back with another comment. Take that to mean what you will. I have my own ideas on what that means.
God's word gives us clear principles to live by as far as dealing with those who are living in sin.
Yes, it does give us those "clear principles". The principles vary depending on whether or not the sinner is a repentant one or not. This person doesn't acknowledge that fact. Many of the claims of this commenter I have dealt with in my second post on the 5th commandment. In my post, "A Wicked Man", I deal with the problem of other Christians instructing us to stay in a relationship with an evil person, and how doing so contradicts God's own commands.
We are no better. Their sinful selfish attitude is no worse than any one of our sins. We all need the SAME Grace.
While I do not argue that we all are recipients of the same grace, I find it repugnant to pull the moral equivalence gambit when we are talking about the kinds of cruel abuses and predatory and evil behaviors of malignant narcissists. There is a chasm of difference between a sinner who recognizes their need for forgiveness and salvation and the malignant narcissist who consistently and persistently practices his life of vileness all the while acting like they need no such grace. Sorry, you can't make those two things equal and be any kind of consistent or rational. Or Biblical.
If we are truly going to deal with Narcissism in a Biblical manner then we need to use all of God's word not just parts of it to fulfill our own needs and desires.
Which is what I do...and what this commenter has not done. In the very blog post this person was commenting on he/she had overlooked strong Biblical statements which are positive commands for Christians to "walk away" from evil doers. I'm not the one picking and choosing which part of God's word to follow.
Just in case you are wondering, my mother is narcissistic. I was raised by her. Still struggling with her.
I think we can all understand why this person is "still struggling" with their narcissistic mother. That struggle will last until the old woman is laid in her grave.
But I will not adhere to un-biblical principals just to satisfy my own selfish desires to be "free of her". I want to do things God's way and help to restore her to her Saviour and our relationship to one that God wants it to be.
This is an naked accusation. By that I mean the accusation bears no proof with it. The accusation is laid, and the pretense which goes along with it is that this accusation alone proves the author's point. It does no such thing. Where is their proof that I am presenting un-biblical principals to support my so-called selfish desires? I have laid out the biblical support for my statements. Where is this persons proof? The only texts they presented demonstrably support my view, not theirs.
The next few words reveal the basis of their emotional fervor: the belief that the redemption of their mother is dependent on this person's own faith and spiritual virtue. I have already identified this as proceeding from a savior complex. Please read here and here. I know some Christians feel like they are demonstrating a lack of faith in their God's ability to save someone if they should walk away from the evil doer. This is itself unbiblical. God can save...you can't. Get over yourself, get out of the way, let God do His thing. He doesn't need you to hang in there for eternity with an evil doer in order to save the evil doer. He has specifically told you to get away from the persistent evil doer. Quit disobeying the God you are pretending to be obeying.
Dividing us is Satan's work.
This kind of categoric statement annoys me to no end. Probably because it is becoming such a popular mantra in Christianity. I mentally roll my eyes now when I hear this one. I heard it so many times from my sister that it became a standard part of her phone calls to me for years. There was "war in heaven". God Himself took up some kind of arms against the angelic rebels in order to "cast them out. See this post. Christ boldly proclaimed He is a divider when he said he "came not to send peace but a sword". Matt. 10:34-36. "I came to set at variance..." Um, looks to me like Christ himself is laying claim to being a divider. Strong words to claim that all division is "Satan's work". This person has condemned their own Savior.
By the way, ya'll may find it mildly interesting that the commenter above came back to my blog yesterday afternoon. Since I wrote down all their particulars, ISP, IP address, city, state, google search words, I immediately noticed the stats when the person came back. I kept track of the info because I was curious to see if this person would be returning to my blog. Well, they did. Using the exact same search words, "biblical view of narcissism", they hopped onto my blog via the very post where I parsed out their own comment. This person then did about 10 page views spending about 35 minutes on the blog. Their "out click" was the comments on the blog post, "Breathing Example of Last Post". So this person saw not only what I had to say, but what you all had to say too. The part I find especially interesting about this is that they didn't come back with another comment. Take that to mean what you will. I have my own ideas on what that means.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Is the Laborer Worthy of His Wage?
A comment on the last post has sparked my thinking. The comment introduced the idea that a ministerial work, or an effort designed to help others in some way, is somehow sullied when the worker offers others the chance to support the work.
This idea of payment always contaminating a charitable effort is held by many the world around so I'll address it a bit here. Also, it is very likely that many of us have been taught this by the narcissist. Let me peel the layers back a bit and give you another way to look at this.
The narcissist doesn't want to acknowledge the labor and intellect of others as being worthy of being compensated. They devalue us, dismiss us and steal our efforts because they can't stand the idea of having to thank us or praise us, least of all, pay us. We've been taught to think that if we ask for anything in return for our efforts then we've ruined those efforts. The narcissist demands of us servitude. All labor for the narcissist is to be without payment. Another word for that is slavery. So...for years, usually decades, we labor, we sweat, we bleed for the narcissist. To expect even a thank you is to make your efforts into dust and ashes. They will then spit on your efforts, denigrate them--and you along with them. Their selfish world view, where they are the deified center, is threatened when they are made to feel like you should be rewarded in some way for your efforts.
Because many of you are Christian, I'll point out that the narcissist's view described above is not supported by the Bible. When Christ commissioned the seventy disciples to spread the gospel He told them that whatever the people offered to them they were to accept because "the laborer is worthy of his wages". This is an explicit statement by Christ Himself which makes it clear that from God's perspective a ministry is not sullied by gifts of support.
Paul, missionary extraordinaire, quotes Christ's words in 1 Tim. 5:18 when explaining that "elders who rule well be counted worthy of double honor especially those who labor in the word and doctrine. For the Scripture says, 'You shall not muzzle an ox while it treads out the grain' and, 'the laborer is worthy of his wages'." He makes it plain that the people showed honor to their elders with material support. Therefore, one can state categorically that it is honorable to support a worthy ministry. The material support is a concrete expression of the people to the honorable efforts of the ministry, elder, etc. Paul quotes Deuteronomy 25:4 showing the people that the concept dated back to the earliest time of the organization of Israel's civil laws. Those laws were not man-made. They were given to Moses by God.
The system of tithing was re-instituted early in the organization of Israel as a nation. This was specifically for the support of the work of the spiritual leaders whose efforts would preclude them making a living in other ways. Prior to that, in the days of the patriarchs, the concept of tithing is seen by Abraham's gifts to Melchizedek showing that from the earliest history of man there was an awareness of God's expectation that His people show support for His spiritual leaders.
Far be it from me to put myself in the category of any of the above. I most certainly don't. But I do want to show that, from the view of the Bible "the laborer is worthy of his wages". The wages do not lessen the value or nobility of the person who labors.
I really rankle at the growing sentiment out there which acts like getting paid for one's efforts is somehow base or dishonorable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why don't we get annoyed at people who get paid for doing nothing? Who sit with their hand out with no expectation that they should earn what they get? That seems like a truly dishonorable attitude and practice. 2 Thess. 3:10, "For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat."
Even in the most secular of contexts it is obvious that the "laborer is worthy of his wages". We don't expect someone to mow our lawn, wash our car, or remodel our bathroom sans wages. To deny even the most menial laborer of payment smacks of robbery at best, slavery at worst. America has been built on the concept that a man is worthy of his wages. The only real limits on success in this country are self-imposed because capitalism rewards ingenuity, motivation and elbow grease.
All this being said, I want to get back to little ol' me and this blog. People, do whatever you are moved to do. I have heretofore not given you the chance to express your support or gratitude in any tangible way. Now I have. It is purely voluntary. The chance that this blog will ever generate more than a few dollars is slim. I am not trying to make a living at this. As for what I will buy if I get more than two nickels to rub together? Likely books. I am a reader. My cat will get treats regardless of revenue from my blog. He is in no danger of losing weight. I will buy coffee regardless. I was just being light-hearted and a bit silly as a way to try to entertain you while I pointed out my Amazon widget. I haven't even asked ya'll to donate cold hard cash. I provided a way to show support that will not cost you a dime.
My next to the last thought is this: I refuse to treat you, my readers, like you are fragile little broken bits of humanity. Kid-glove treatment is not going to make you stronger. My blog is direct, frank and cuts through the crap. That is because no one gets stronger when they are not challenged to get outside their comfort zone. I'm not going to start kid-glove treatment now. I treat you like the adults you are. Life is way too short to stay in a place mentally and emotionally where one has the resilience of glass. Do not hand over your power to anyone like that.
2 Thess. 3:10, "For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat." The narcissist thinks they are worthy of support even though they do nothing. Yet, inconsistently, they think that you are not worthy of recognition for what you do for them. They can't even give you gratitude. Let's shuck the twisted world view of the narcissist and enjoy the worthy fruits of our labors without shame. If someone values your work enough to reward you...it is honorable to accept it. There is no dishonor in voluntary giving...or receiving.
This idea of payment always contaminating a charitable effort is held by many the world around so I'll address it a bit here. Also, it is very likely that many of us have been taught this by the narcissist. Let me peel the layers back a bit and give you another way to look at this.
The narcissist doesn't want to acknowledge the labor and intellect of others as being worthy of being compensated. They devalue us, dismiss us and steal our efforts because they can't stand the idea of having to thank us or praise us, least of all, pay us. We've been taught to think that if we ask for anything in return for our efforts then we've ruined those efforts. The narcissist demands of us servitude. All labor for the narcissist is to be without payment. Another word for that is slavery. So...for years, usually decades, we labor, we sweat, we bleed for the narcissist. To expect even a thank you is to make your efforts into dust and ashes. They will then spit on your efforts, denigrate them--and you along with them. Their selfish world view, where they are the deified center, is threatened when they are made to feel like you should be rewarded in some way for your efforts.
Because many of you are Christian, I'll point out that the narcissist's view described above is not supported by the Bible. When Christ commissioned the seventy disciples to spread the gospel He told them that whatever the people offered to them they were to accept because "the laborer is worthy of his wages". This is an explicit statement by Christ Himself which makes it clear that from God's perspective a ministry is not sullied by gifts of support.
Paul, missionary extraordinaire, quotes Christ's words in 1 Tim. 5:18 when explaining that "elders who rule well be counted worthy of double honor especially those who labor in the word and doctrine. For the Scripture says, 'You shall not muzzle an ox while it treads out the grain' and, 'the laborer is worthy of his wages'." He makes it plain that the people showed honor to their elders with material support. Therefore, one can state categorically that it is honorable to support a worthy ministry. The material support is a concrete expression of the people to the honorable efforts of the ministry, elder, etc. Paul quotes Deuteronomy 25:4 showing the people that the concept dated back to the earliest time of the organization of Israel's civil laws. Those laws were not man-made. They were given to Moses by God.
The system of tithing was re-instituted early in the organization of Israel as a nation. This was specifically for the support of the work of the spiritual leaders whose efforts would preclude them making a living in other ways. Prior to that, in the days of the patriarchs, the concept of tithing is seen by Abraham's gifts to Melchizedek showing that from the earliest history of man there was an awareness of God's expectation that His people show support for His spiritual leaders.
Far be it from me to put myself in the category of any of the above. I most certainly don't. But I do want to show that, from the view of the Bible "the laborer is worthy of his wages". The wages do not lessen the value or nobility of the person who labors.
I really rankle at the growing sentiment out there which acts like getting paid for one's efforts is somehow base or dishonorable. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why don't we get annoyed at people who get paid for doing nothing? Who sit with their hand out with no expectation that they should earn what they get? That seems like a truly dishonorable attitude and practice. 2 Thess. 3:10, "For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat."
Even in the most secular of contexts it is obvious that the "laborer is worthy of his wages". We don't expect someone to mow our lawn, wash our car, or remodel our bathroom sans wages. To deny even the most menial laborer of payment smacks of robbery at best, slavery at worst. America has been built on the concept that a man is worthy of his wages. The only real limits on success in this country are self-imposed because capitalism rewards ingenuity, motivation and elbow grease.
All this being said, I want to get back to little ol' me and this blog. People, do whatever you are moved to do. I have heretofore not given you the chance to express your support or gratitude in any tangible way. Now I have. It is purely voluntary. The chance that this blog will ever generate more than a few dollars is slim. I am not trying to make a living at this. As for what I will buy if I get more than two nickels to rub together? Likely books. I am a reader. My cat will get treats regardless of revenue from my blog. He is in no danger of losing weight. I will buy coffee regardless. I was just being light-hearted and a bit silly as a way to try to entertain you while I pointed out my Amazon widget. I haven't even asked ya'll to donate cold hard cash. I provided a way to show support that will not cost you a dime.
My next to the last thought is this: I refuse to treat you, my readers, like you are fragile little broken bits of humanity. Kid-glove treatment is not going to make you stronger. My blog is direct, frank and cuts through the crap. That is because no one gets stronger when they are not challenged to get outside their comfort zone. I'm not going to start kid-glove treatment now. I treat you like the adults you are. Life is way too short to stay in a place mentally and emotionally where one has the resilience of glass. Do not hand over your power to anyone like that.
2 Thess. 3:10, "For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat." The narcissist thinks they are worthy of support even though they do nothing. Yet, inconsistently, they think that you are not worthy of recognition for what you do for them. They can't even give you gratitude. Let's shuck the twisted world view of the narcissist and enjoy the worthy fruits of our labors without shame. If someone values your work enough to reward you...it is honorable to accept it. There is no dishonor in voluntary giving...or receiving.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Support Your Lowly Blogger UPDATED with pic of me
Okay, folks. I thought I'd try something new. I have signed up with Amazon so that any time you folks decide to buy something from Amazon I can get a piece of the action. I have a widget added in the sidebar. I have some books listed there along with my recommendations. If you click through the widget and then purchase something from Amazon they will send me a percentage of the sale. Even if you don't buy what you clicked on, they send lil' ol me a percentage. So, let's say that you wake up tomorrow morning and think, "I need to buy a Samsung LN40A650A 40-inch 1080p 120Hz LCD HDTV with RED Touch of Color." Your next thought will be to go to Anna's blog and click through to Amazon through my wee widget. Amazon then will kindly forward 4% to me. Maybe 6% depending on how many of you feel like helping out. Four percent of 1,849.38 is....well, you do the math cuz I can't without a calculator.
See? This is so not complicated.
For me--cash for treats for my 21 pound cat and more coffee for me from CoffeeBeanDirect. For you-- that warm glow you get when you help out your fellow man.
By the way, I don't get a plug nickel for recommending Coffee Bean Direct. I just want to say that I have been buying their whole coffee beans for three years now. Ummm, ummmm good! If you love really good coffee...give them a try. I buy 5 five pound bags at a time. That means free shipping (25 lbs = free shipping). The beans arrive vacuum packed in mylar bags which means it stays nice and fresh for a long time. With free shipping the cost per pound (depending on what bean you buy) averages around $5.00. That is a bargain. And you won't find better tasting beans. I buy their Italian Roast Espresso whole beans for a kick-a$$ cup of coffee in the morning. The Viennese Cinnamon is a wonderful bean for nice afternoon cup. They roast your order when they get your order. Not days or weeks earlier. Makes a huge difference.
This capitalist interlude is coming to a close. I hope you all will buy lots and lots of stuff from Amazon through my blog. I promise to be very, very grateful exceeded only by the gratitude of my pulchritudinous cat.
UPDATED: That there is me...posin' with my morning sweatshirt. Sums it all up for me. Because I'm anonymous you don't get a head in this picture. Sorry about that. No legs either. Hmmm, missing hands too. What a let down, eh? Actually, the full meal deal would be a bigger let down. Ha. Maybe someday I'll sneak a pic of my head into my profile. Just check there now and again. Never know when I might decide to be a tiny bit less anonymous.
Breathing Example Illustrating Last Post
I wrote a post in February titled, "From Such Turn Away". If you want to get the full impact of what is to follow I hope you'll go back and re-read my post. It is the context within which the comment I'm going to address was made. It is important to see exactly what this person chose to ignore in order to make the statements he or she did.
Assuming you've done your little homework assignment above, I'll proceed.
The person whose comment you'll be reading found my blog on 4.7.08 @ 6:48 a.m. by doing a Google search, "biblical view of narcissism". Google landed this person on the blog post above. This is the only post on my blog that this person read. They read, clicked on 'comment', did their thang and left. Obviously, this person doesn't believe that my blog presents a biblical view of narcissism. You'll soon see why.
I have gone to considerable effort to deal with the clubs that are used on Christians by Christians. I have done so with deliberation and careful examination of the texts which have been used to keep Christians under the rule of narcissists in home and church. This is probably the reason I read this comment and felt exasperated. I have debunked everything this person says in various posts on my blog. I have done so thoroughly and thoughtfully so the idea that I have to start all over again with someone like this kinda overwhelms me.
Well, I'm not gonna. No need to re-invent the wheel--especially for someone who obviously is not open to any idea other than the one dessicated and shriveled idea that is rattling around in their empty cranium. Rather than approve this comment and let it sit there on that post trying to negate the whole of my blog, I thought I would bring it front and center. Posting that comment requires an answer from me. I found myself wishing this person had bothered to stick around and go to the newest post on my blog because they would have had my answer to their reasoning. Anyway, the comment has value which is why I didn't just flush it away. It's value is related to the subtitle of my blog. This person managed to distill down into remarkably few words all the reasoning that is normally used to keep victims as victims. The toxic and poisonous thinking that causes our homes and churches to willingly host the predators among us is present in this comment:
Then we're told that there is no justification for ever divorcing a malignant narcissist, and to do so is labeled as being the dividing work of Satan. We've never heard that one before, right? Not real original, but it is brought out with regularity by the narcissist's cultists.
This person then argues that we can't leave a narcissist without it being cruel because they are incapable of understanding they are wrong...and therefore incapable of understanding our reasons for leaving. Another dose of savior complex is thrown into this nugget. This reasoning goes round and round forever which leaves people with zero justification for leaving an abusive malignant narcissist (and all malignant narcissists are abusive in one way or another). This person dares to make us more cruel than the narcissist simply for leaving. Nothing the narcissist ever does will be more cruel than us leaving them. How does someone get this stupid? Unfortunately, all too easily. I dealt with the non-cruelty of going no contact here.
Next we see the presentation of some texts which we are to assume support this person's points. First, Matt. 18:15-18. I have commented on this passage here. Nothing in my post negates this text. In fact, this text tells us to make only three attempts to reach someone before we throw in the towel. It is kinda amusing that this person cites 1 Cor. 5 as their support when the last verse of this chapter finds Paul quoting the Pentateuch, "Therefore 'put away from yourselves that wicked person'." Kinda makes me giggle. This chapter contains specific admonishment for Christians to judge other Christians who engage in immoral behaviors. Somebody forgot to drink their cup of coffee before engaging in mental exercise.
The rest of the comment bores me to death so I'll not parse it except to point out that it contains the commenter's attempt to label me as selfish and working in tandem with the devil himself as a divider. No accountability is ever laid on the malignant narcissist by this person. Who is the real divider? You and I well know who it is. The malignant narcissist with his lying and slanderous tongue is usually at the root of divisions in families and churches and other social settings. I am not the divider. I point out who the real divider is...the malignant narcissist. That doesn't make me the problem simply because I have pointed out the problem.
In my opinion, this comment has value for several reasons. One of which I've already pointed out...it is a succinct distillation of the emotional abuse handed out to others by narcissist appeasers (especially of the Christian sort) to the victims of narcissism and therefore is a perfect illustration of my last two posts. It is abuse designed to minimize our experiences, to justify the narcissist, and to keep us locked forever in a macabre dance with the soul-sucker.
Next, it contains all the self-righteousness which characterizes the narcissist appeasers. This is something I have talked about in the last two posts. The narcissist appeasers always have a cloak of righteousness they wrap around themselves when approaching those of us who have finally seen the evil doer for what they are and are trying to protect ourselves and our loved ones from them. Regardless of whether the person is religious, or Christian, in profession...this self-righteousness always accompanies the narcissist appeasers. They find a way to assume a moral superiority to you and then smash you to bits. They are simply co-abusers with the narcissist and I find them every bit as dangerous...possibly more so...than the narcissist him or her self.
Last, and certainly not least, what we see demonstrated by this comment is the utter imperviousness to reason this type of person has. If you re-read the post this person was addressing you can see the amazing amount of logic and reality this person completely discounted in order to maintain their position. They may as well have concrete for a brain. This is important to note because you may find yourself trying to reason with one of these utter fools. Save your breath. And run. If allowed, a person like this will tie your hands and feet and tape your mouth in order to go on pretending the malignant narcissist is save-able and only misunderstood.
See, it isn't really about you or me. This type of person has limitless patience and hope for the evil doer. Because of that, this person has no pity or patience for the victims; this includes him or her self. I can feel a tiny bit badly for this person because they are also enslaving themselves along with others. But my compassion is limited because this person is making a volitional choice. I reject this person's right to make the choice for the rest of us when they obviously haven't any clue as to the true malignancy (i.e. evil) of narcissism. To stand on the side of saving a narcissist is to defend the narcissist's 'right' to destroy the rest of us. How is that compassion? How is that Christian? Christ came to "set the captives free". He is not a proponent of slavery or idolatry.
Both the narcissist and the narcissist's appeaser brethren are idolatrous members of the Cult of Nice. The worshipful deity is the narcissist; the lesser deity are those who keep the god fed with the flesh of humanity. The priesthood of this cult is populated with the narcissist's appeasers. They are more righteous than anyone because they are the most devoted servants of the Narcissist god. If a priest of the Cult of Nice determines that you must be fed to the narcissist god in order to keep 'unity' and 'peace'...then bye-bye to you. You are not left with any right to appeal. No recourse to justice. Your moral superiors have spoken and you must die.
For the rest of us the Cult of Nice is anything but nice.
Assuming you've done your little homework assignment above, I'll proceed.
The person whose comment you'll be reading found my blog on 4.7.08 @ 6:48 a.m. by doing a Google search, "biblical view of narcissism". Google landed this person on the blog post above. This is the only post on my blog that this person read. They read, clicked on 'comment', did their thang and left. Obviously, this person doesn't believe that my blog presents a biblical view of narcissism. You'll soon see why.
I have gone to considerable effort to deal with the clubs that are used on Christians by Christians. I have done so with deliberation and careful examination of the texts which have been used to keep Christians under the rule of narcissists in home and church. This is probably the reason I read this comment and felt exasperated. I have debunked everything this person says in various posts on my blog. I have done so thoroughly and thoughtfully so the idea that I have to start all over again with someone like this kinda overwhelms me.
Well, I'm not gonna. No need to re-invent the wheel--especially for someone who obviously is not open to any idea other than the one dessicated and shriveled idea that is rattling around in their empty cranium. Rather than approve this comment and let it sit there on that post trying to negate the whole of my blog, I thought I would bring it front and center. Posting that comment requires an answer from me. I found myself wishing this person had bothered to stick around and go to the newest post on my blog because they would have had my answer to their reasoning. Anyway, the comment has value which is why I didn't just flush it away. It's value is related to the subtitle of my blog. This person managed to distill down into remarkably few words all the reasoning that is normally used to keep victims as victims. The toxic and poisonous thinking that causes our homes and churches to willingly host the predators among us is present in this comment:
While I agree with what you said about Narcissism being a sin problem, I think it is extremely dangerous to tell people that it is not curable. All things can be done through Christ. There is no incurable personality disorder.We have here the absolute assertion that we can't consider a malignant narcissist incurable which is a classic demonstration of a 'savior complex'. I deal with that here. I never say that any person is beyond God's help. I only admit the reality that some people are beyond the help of us mere mortals. The Bible agrees with me on this point.
I also do not agree with you telling people to leave, or get away from Narcissistic people. A child can not get away from a narcissistic parent, and a wife/husband should NOT divorce their narcissistic spouse. God hates divorce more than he hates selfishness. Satan is more than happy to divide families and marriages.
Since a narcissist does not believe they are doing anything wrong, they will not understand why you are distancing yourself from them. I believe it is cruel to cut yourself off from someone unless they can completely understand the reasons behind it and learn to change their ways so they can have fellowship with you again. (Matthew 18:15-18, Galatians 6:1, 1 Corinthians 5) If you can not follow Biblical principals in discipline with a person then distancing yourself from them is as wrong as their attitude.
God's word gives us clear principles to live by as far as dealing with those who are living in sin. We are no better. Their sinful selfish attitude is no worse than any one of our sins. We all need the SAME Grace.
If we are truly going to deal with Narcissism in a Biblical manner then we need to use all of God's word not just parts of it to fulfill our own needs and desires.
Just in case you are wondering, my mother is narcissistic. I was raised by her. Still struggling with her. But I will not adhere to un-biblical principals just to satisfy my own selfish desires to be "free of her". I want to do things God's way and help to restore her to her Saviour and our relationship to one that God wants it to be. Dividing us is Satan's work. Posted by Anonymous to Narcissists Suck at Apr 7, 2008 7:21:00 AM
Then we're told that there is no justification for ever divorcing a malignant narcissist, and to do so is labeled as being the dividing work of Satan. We've never heard that one before, right? Not real original, but it is brought out with regularity by the narcissist's cultists.
This person then argues that we can't leave a narcissist without it being cruel because they are incapable of understanding they are wrong...and therefore incapable of understanding our reasons for leaving. Another dose of savior complex is thrown into this nugget. This reasoning goes round and round forever which leaves people with zero justification for leaving an abusive malignant narcissist (and all malignant narcissists are abusive in one way or another). This person dares to make us more cruel than the narcissist simply for leaving. Nothing the narcissist ever does will be more cruel than us leaving them. How does someone get this stupid? Unfortunately, all too easily. I dealt with the non-cruelty of going no contact here.
Next we see the presentation of some texts which we are to assume support this person's points. First, Matt. 18:15-18. I have commented on this passage here. Nothing in my post negates this text. In fact, this text tells us to make only three attempts to reach someone before we throw in the towel. It is kinda amusing that this person cites 1 Cor. 5 as their support when the last verse of this chapter finds Paul quoting the Pentateuch, "Therefore 'put away from yourselves that wicked person'." Kinda makes me giggle. This chapter contains specific admonishment for Christians to judge other Christians who engage in immoral behaviors. Somebody forgot to drink their cup of coffee before engaging in mental exercise.
The rest of the comment bores me to death so I'll not parse it except to point out that it contains the commenter's attempt to label me as selfish and working in tandem with the devil himself as a divider. No accountability is ever laid on the malignant narcissist by this person. Who is the real divider? You and I well know who it is. The malignant narcissist with his lying and slanderous tongue is usually at the root of divisions in families and churches and other social settings. I am not the divider. I point out who the real divider is...the malignant narcissist. That doesn't make me the problem simply because I have pointed out the problem.
In my opinion, this comment has value for several reasons. One of which I've already pointed out...it is a succinct distillation of the emotional abuse handed out to others by narcissist appeasers (especially of the Christian sort) to the victims of narcissism and therefore is a perfect illustration of my last two posts. It is abuse designed to minimize our experiences, to justify the narcissist, and to keep us locked forever in a macabre dance with the soul-sucker.
Next, it contains all the self-righteousness which characterizes the narcissist appeasers. This is something I have talked about in the last two posts. The narcissist appeasers always have a cloak of righteousness they wrap around themselves when approaching those of us who have finally seen the evil doer for what they are and are trying to protect ourselves and our loved ones from them. Regardless of whether the person is religious, or Christian, in profession...this self-righteousness always accompanies the narcissist appeasers. They find a way to assume a moral superiority to you and then smash you to bits. They are simply co-abusers with the narcissist and I find them every bit as dangerous...possibly more so...than the narcissist him or her self.
Last, and certainly not least, what we see demonstrated by this comment is the utter imperviousness to reason this type of person has. If you re-read the post this person was addressing you can see the amazing amount of logic and reality this person completely discounted in order to maintain their position. They may as well have concrete for a brain. This is important to note because you may find yourself trying to reason with one of these utter fools. Save your breath. And run. If allowed, a person like this will tie your hands and feet and tape your mouth in order to go on pretending the malignant narcissist is save-able and only misunderstood.
See, it isn't really about you or me. This type of person has limitless patience and hope for the evil doer. Because of that, this person has no pity or patience for the victims; this includes him or her self. I can feel a tiny bit badly for this person because they are also enslaving themselves along with others. But my compassion is limited because this person is making a volitional choice. I reject this person's right to make the choice for the rest of us when they obviously haven't any clue as to the true malignancy (i.e. evil) of narcissism. To stand on the side of saving a narcissist is to defend the narcissist's 'right' to destroy the rest of us. How is that compassion? How is that Christian? Christ came to "set the captives free". He is not a proponent of slavery or idolatry.
Both the narcissist and the narcissist's appeaser brethren are idolatrous members of the Cult of Nice. The worshipful deity is the narcissist; the lesser deity are those who keep the god fed with the flesh of humanity. The priesthood of this cult is populated with the narcissist's appeasers. They are more righteous than anyone because they are the most devoted servants of the Narcissist god. If a priest of the Cult of Nice determines that you must be fed to the narcissist god in order to keep 'unity' and 'peace'...then bye-bye to you. You are not left with any right to appeal. No recourse to justice. Your moral superiors have spoken and you must die.
For the rest of us the Cult of Nice is anything but nice.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
The Pagan Priesthood of Appeasement
I want to examine a little further the narcissist appeaser otherwise identified in my last post as "The Peacemaker".
When last describing the 'peacemaker' I put it in a religious context by identifying the N-appeaser as being a member of the Cult of Nice. This cult has doctrines and faith. It punishes and proscribes 'heretics'. The 'peacemaker' himself is a self-appointed priest. His god is the narcissist.
The role of appeaser and so-called peacemaker is not a new phenomena. It has been an important role in human societies for millennia. The lengths to which a peacemaker/priest will go to appease an angry god was seen in multiplied and ancient cultures and always appeared in a religious context. Cultures which believed in a capricious, vengeful and angry god had elaborate rituals designed to appease their pagan god. Up to and including human sacrifice.
There is mild argument about the prevalence of human sacrifice in ages past, but there has been solid archaeological finds which demand we accede to the truth of its existence in some ancient pagan societies. Not all human sacrifice was associated with appeasing a pagan god, but there is proof that some human sacrifice was for that specific purpose. Most times the appeasing sacrifice was either babies, young children or teenagers. It was believed that the purity, physical perfection and innocence of the young were the most delicious kinds of gifts they could give to their gods. I can not help but believe that the vulnerability and inability of the victims to defend themselves also made children and young people attractive choices for their violent bloodshed.
You may not agree, but I see the N-appeaser as a pagan to his core. I know there are people who call proudly call themselves pagan in today's western societies and would take umbrage at my calling the N-appeaser a pagan like it is a bad thing...well, too bad. It is a bad thing. Paganism is not and never has been an elevating force in human societies. Just because some cultures have achieved some recognizable levels of sophistication by our standards doesn't disprove that pagan religions have consistently been the locus of moral vice and debauchery and have often led to the extinction of the cultures that practiced the most immoral of rites. Especially those which engaged in human sacrifice.
The narcissist-appeaser is afraid of his god. He quails at the narcissist's ability to bring down hellfire and thunderbolts on those who displease the narcissist. His fear of the narcissist's wrath is what leads the appeaser to justify his assumed role of priest and his selection of sacrifices to his N-god. He calls himself a 'peacemaker' which are the priestly vestments which imbue his demands with spiritual and moral authority. Perhaps the fear that motivates the appeaser is not so much the wrath of the narcissist, but the fear of losing the convenience which a placated narcissist will afford him. Regardless of which fear moves the appeaser, the children are usually the first to go. Yes, the able-bodied man will be seen essentially throwing his own children into the volcano to buy a limited peace (actually, a truce at best) with his capricious god. The appeaser is, at the core of his soul, a self-worshiper. It is his own comfort and convenience that inspires his behavior and defines his principles. He has something in common with the narcissist...a supremely selfish focus which puts what he wants as the imperative for everyone else to follow.
Only in the most modern of times have humans separated out the religious from what we call 'secular'. The belief that there are areas of living which have nothing to do with religious practice, principle or custom would be a completely foreign belief to most of humanity for most of humanity's existence. I believe it is a mistake to look at the narcissist or his appeasers completely divorced from a religious context. The narcissist operates in the spiritual realm, i.e., what he or she does affects our spirit (and his). It is this immaterial sphere of our psyches which the narcissist uses as his playground. It is the very immaterial aspect of his behaviors which perplex us the most and which hide his agenda so effectively. The narcissist's appeaser also operates in this spiritual realm. You can measure this statement against what you feel in your spirit when the appeaser demands you sacrifice yourself, your feelings, your principles, your best interest, to the narcissist. Demoralized. Depressed. Dejected. Devalued.
My contention that the self-appointed N appeasers are nothing more than pagan priests is of especial significance to Christians. When you are confronted by an appeaser, when you are being mightily pressured by the self-righteous do-gooder who is demanding you bend over for the narcissist, please, please recognize the pagan before you.
What moral authority has the pagan over the Christian? He should have none. He is worshiping a different god than you are. If you concede to the appeasement demands of the narcissist's priesthood then you have bowed down to their Baal. True peacemakers will not sacrifice truth and moral principles for any cause. Do not confuse appeasement with peace.
The pagans who would sacrifice their children to keep the volcano from blowing or famines from occurring fooled themselves into believing they had achieved peace. At some point the volcano would erupt or the rains wouldn't come. These events proving that they had, at best, appeased their gods for a time. In a fit of unpredictable pique the gods unleashed their wrath and previous sacrifices were revealed to be a limited truce at best. All acts of appeasement toward a narcissist are limited truces. You can never placate a narcissist except for a limited time. Because of the unprincipled and immoral mental framework of a narcissist the appeasers learn to be very flexible. Morally flexible. This is why the appeasers will eventually gut their own integrity and morality if they persist in working for the narcissist. What appeases the narcissist today may enrage him tomorrow--just like the ancient pagan gods of the Incas, the Aztecs or the Druids. So the appeaser can't keep his job unless he moves the goalpost where ever the narcissist demands he put it. Morality is a constant. You can't reshape and re-frame morality to suit individual tastes or else you'll corrupt it.
The narcissist appeaser, the self-anointed and so-called peacemaker, is as immoral as his master. He is a pagan priest who will gladly slice your throat or rip your heart out of your chest if it will buy time, peace or prosperity for himself. He is as demanding and capricious as his N god; he must in order to thrive in the narcissist environment. Know it and plan accordingly.
When last describing the 'peacemaker' I put it in a religious context by identifying the N-appeaser as being a member of the Cult of Nice. This cult has doctrines and faith. It punishes and proscribes 'heretics'. The 'peacemaker' himself is a self-appointed priest. His god is the narcissist.
The role of appeaser and so-called peacemaker is not a new phenomena. It has been an important role in human societies for millennia. The lengths to which a peacemaker/priest will go to appease an angry god was seen in multiplied and ancient cultures and always appeared in a religious context. Cultures which believed in a capricious, vengeful and angry god had elaborate rituals designed to appease their pagan god. Up to and including human sacrifice.
There is mild argument about the prevalence of human sacrifice in ages past, but there has been solid archaeological finds which demand we accede to the truth of its existence in some ancient pagan societies. Not all human sacrifice was associated with appeasing a pagan god, but there is proof that some human sacrifice was for that specific purpose. Most times the appeasing sacrifice was either babies, young children or teenagers. It was believed that the purity, physical perfection and innocence of the young were the most delicious kinds of gifts they could give to their gods. I can not help but believe that the vulnerability and inability of the victims to defend themselves also made children and young people attractive choices for their violent bloodshed.
You may not agree, but I see the N-appeaser as a pagan to his core. I know there are people who call proudly call themselves pagan in today's western societies and would take umbrage at my calling the N-appeaser a pagan like it is a bad thing...well, too bad. It is a bad thing. Paganism is not and never has been an elevating force in human societies. Just because some cultures have achieved some recognizable levels of sophistication by our standards doesn't disprove that pagan religions have consistently been the locus of moral vice and debauchery and have often led to the extinction of the cultures that practiced the most immoral of rites. Especially those which engaged in human sacrifice.
The narcissist-appeaser is afraid of his god. He quails at the narcissist's ability to bring down hellfire and thunderbolts on those who displease the narcissist. His fear of the narcissist's wrath is what leads the appeaser to justify his assumed role of priest and his selection of sacrifices to his N-god. He calls himself a 'peacemaker' which are the priestly vestments which imbue his demands with spiritual and moral authority. Perhaps the fear that motivates the appeaser is not so much the wrath of the narcissist, but the fear of losing the convenience which a placated narcissist will afford him. Regardless of which fear moves the appeaser, the children are usually the first to go. Yes, the able-bodied man will be seen essentially throwing his own children into the volcano to buy a limited peace (actually, a truce at best) with his capricious god. The appeaser is, at the core of his soul, a self-worshiper. It is his own comfort and convenience that inspires his behavior and defines his principles. He has something in common with the narcissist...a supremely selfish focus which puts what he wants as the imperative for everyone else to follow.
Only in the most modern of times have humans separated out the religious from what we call 'secular'. The belief that there are areas of living which have nothing to do with religious practice, principle or custom would be a completely foreign belief to most of humanity for most of humanity's existence. I believe it is a mistake to look at the narcissist or his appeasers completely divorced from a religious context. The narcissist operates in the spiritual realm, i.e., what he or she does affects our spirit (and his). It is this immaterial sphere of our psyches which the narcissist uses as his playground. It is the very immaterial aspect of his behaviors which perplex us the most and which hide his agenda so effectively. The narcissist's appeaser also operates in this spiritual realm. You can measure this statement against what you feel in your spirit when the appeaser demands you sacrifice yourself, your feelings, your principles, your best interest, to the narcissist. Demoralized. Depressed. Dejected. Devalued.
My contention that the self-appointed N appeasers are nothing more than pagan priests is of especial significance to Christians. When you are confronted by an appeaser, when you are being mightily pressured by the self-righteous do-gooder who is demanding you bend over for the narcissist, please, please recognize the pagan before you.
What moral authority has the pagan over the Christian? He should have none. He is worshiping a different god than you are. If you concede to the appeasement demands of the narcissist's priesthood then you have bowed down to their Baal. True peacemakers will not sacrifice truth and moral principles for any cause. Do not confuse appeasement with peace.
The pagans who would sacrifice their children to keep the volcano from blowing or famines from occurring fooled themselves into believing they had achieved peace. At some point the volcano would erupt or the rains wouldn't come. These events proving that they had, at best, appeased their gods for a time. In a fit of unpredictable pique the gods unleashed their wrath and previous sacrifices were revealed to be a limited truce at best. All acts of appeasement toward a narcissist are limited truces. You can never placate a narcissist except for a limited time. Because of the unprincipled and immoral mental framework of a narcissist the appeasers learn to be very flexible. Morally flexible. This is why the appeasers will eventually gut their own integrity and morality if they persist in working for the narcissist. What appeases the narcissist today may enrage him tomorrow--just like the ancient pagan gods of the Incas, the Aztecs or the Druids. So the appeaser can't keep his job unless he moves the goalpost where ever the narcissist demands he put it. Morality is a constant. You can't reshape and re-frame morality to suit individual tastes or else you'll corrupt it.
The narcissist appeaser, the self-anointed and so-called peacemaker, is as immoral as his master. He is a pagan priest who will gladly slice your throat or rip your heart out of your chest if it will buy time, peace or prosperity for himself. He is as demanding and capricious as his N god; he must in order to thrive in the narcissist environment. Know it and plan accordingly.