Narcissists Can't Be Rehabilitated

I'd like to build some on the line of thought in the last post. I made a case that the grown malignant narcissist was a difficult, devious and generally obnoxious child -- to their peers and siblings especially and primarily. The logic is that the malignant narcissist is a case of arrested development. They have never progressed on to emotional, spiritual and mental maturity. So you get a constant view of the child they were at six when watching the operation of the grown narcissist.

Let's go from the thought above to this thought: The narcissist is a malicious child cloaked in an adult body. Because the malignant narcissist has always been what they are it is impossible to "rehabilitate" them.

Let us look carefully at the concept of rehabilitation and what it truly means. We're going to do so with the assistance of Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D. who has spent a whole career studying how criminals think. His observations on criminals are completely transferable to our study of malignant narcissists. Most criminals are narcissists. Robert Hare has established as fact that all psychopaths have narcissistic personalities. Just because the narcissist in your life has managed to stay within the law (or not get caught) doesn't mean they don't think like a criminal. They do. The main problem we put in front of ourselves when trying to deal effectively with narcissists is that we don't recognize that criminals and narcissists do not think like we do.

Quoting from page 7 of "Inside the Criminal Mind" by the above mentioned author Stanton E. Samenow:

"We must understand that criminals are different, that they do not think like responsible people and do not want the same things out of life. It is also time to realize that unless we help criminals to think differently, they will continue to prey on us all."

Page 20:

"Despite a multitude of differences in their backgrounds and crime patterns, criminals are alike in one way: how they think."

Page 23:

"A surprising number of people who deal with criminals do not know how criminals think. How a person behaves is determined largely by how he thinks. Criminals think differently."

Okay, now humor me and do a little exercise. Read each of the quotes above again and insert "malignant narcissist" in where you read the word "criminal". If you know anything about malignant narcissism you can see that it is a perfect fit. Narcissists, at the very least, are criminals in their operations in the moral and spiritual realm. That they can stay out of the reach of the law doesn't mean they are not criminals in their thinking. I have stated in other posts that the narcissist is an anarchist at heart. What is an anarchist but a criminal who recognizes no law as binding upon him?

One of the thrusts of Samenow's book here mentioned is that the concept of rehabilitation is not congruent with the experience of the criminal.

One last quote:

"But rehabilitation as it has been practiced cannot possibly be effective because it is based on a total misconception. To rehabilitate is to restore to a former constructive capacity or condition. There is nothing to which to rehabilitate a criminal. There is no earlier condition of being responsible to which to restore him." All emphasis in the above quotes are the author's.

Samenow is not addressing the issue of NPD in his book. I am not wanting to misrepresent what he is saying. I am the one drawing the correlation between understanding criminals and recognizing the same principles apply in dealing with people who are malignant narcissists.

I want to make sure you've taken in what is being said about rehabilitation. You can not REhabilitate someone to a condition to which they've never been habilitated to. The false assumption that at some point in time the narcissist has been properly integrated into society and relationships is just that...false...and dangerous. They have always held themselves apart and superior to society, its rules, its norms and expectations. The narcissist is above all that. He has never been "normal", so to think he can become normal by your reasoned arguments and firm application of boundaries and controls is simply an exercise in futility. He spurns your efforts to reform him because he is perfect.

To believe that the adult narcissist who was a narcissistic child can somehow be transformed into an empathetic and normal human being is naive at best. They are fundamentally broken. They have always been broken. You can not rehabilitate a malignant narcissist. They've never been integrated into human society. They've never been "habilitated". They have held themselves above us all. They have rejected humanity. To think you as an individual have the power in your little ole' self to make the narcissist what they have never been is a bit of delusion and God complex of your own that you need to get over.

The only hope for the malignant narcissist is with God Himself. If God can't change him...for goodness sake, why do you think YOU can? While you place the fate and future of the narcissist into God's hands you need to start putting the miles between you. The hope of the narcissist changing is so infinitesimally tiny that you need not waste time sticking around to hopefully see it happen. I realize that not everyone who retains a vain hope of the narcissist changing their spots is thinking they can "save" the narcissist. Some people want to believe in fairy tales so they can cling to a dream. A dream that a nightmare marriage can become a good one. A dream that mommy dearest will someday love me and I'll have a happy family. A dream that dad will finally treat me like a real human being. These dreams may give you comfort today, but someday as you stand there holding the dust of your dreams in your hands when confronted by the harshest of realities that the dream was always hopeless, you will realize how much of your life was wasted on smoke, vapor and ashes. I'm trying to save you that outcome.

For those of us who can acknowledge that the malignant narcissist is likely even beyond the reach of God Himself, we can heartily commend the narcissist to the devil. Christians: even Christ Himself recognized that some people have the devil himself as a spiritual father (John 8:44). "Your father, the devil" never applies so well as it does to malignant narcissists. Know it. Live accordingly.

Do yourself a big favor and buy Samenow's book, "Inside the Criminal Mind". It contains some fundamental and foundational changes in how we think about and deal with criminals of all stripes which includes the malignant narcissist.

Clarification on the Narcissist Nasty Kids Post

I received an email from someone who was perplexed because her N mother as a child was, from all reports, a sweet, compliant and cooperative child to her alcoholic and physically abusive father. The confusion of the emailer prompts me to clarify my point.

It is very possible that the adult narcissist you're dealing with was not considered a problem child by his or her parents, teachers or other authority figures. That is why I emphasized that the problems this narcissist-as-a-child created were most likely felt primarily by their peers, school mates and siblings.

My mother was never in trouble with authority figures. She was not particularly troublesome to her mother. At least, not overtly. (I know she played mind games on her mother, but that was covert behavior which gives her plausible deniability.) The same can be said for my sister. But both my mother and sister as children were demonstrably very different with those who were younger than they were or someone they felt had less power than they had. This meant it was their siblings and peers who felt the effects of the narcissistic behavior patterns of the now grown malignant narcissist.

My male cousin was an example of a young delinquent who presented large problems to authority figures including parents and not just his sibling or peers. I brought him up because even though he was a very difficult child and dangerous teen (clearly sociopathic in addition to extreme narcissism), even he has turned everything around and makes out his family to be what he was. Despite the overwhelming proof that he was the problem, he completely projects all his character and behavior problems onto his family so he can present himself as a victim. My point in mentioning his behavior as a child was to show that no matter the extreme level of perversity they displayed in their youth, they will lie, lie, lie and convince many people they were total victims. Obviously, it is easier for those who were outwardly compliant to parents and other authority figures to try to credibly lay claim to victimhood and/or being "perfect" kids. I just want ya'll to revisit what you've been told and compare it to what you know from your own experience and direct knowledge to know is true. You've likely been given a very white-washed picture of their youth. There are very likely signs that they were well on the path of malignant narcissism from a very young age.

Narcissists Were Nasty Little Kids, Too

Have you ever wondered what the narcissist was like as a child? Do you picture the narcissist as a timid, wounded little soul who was pushed around and abused only to eventually turn into the monster they are now?

How about a different picture.

The adult malignant narcissist you contend with was, in all likelihood, a pox on her siblings and school mates as a child. Think about it. Malignant narcissism is always a case of arrested development; someone who remains stuck at about six years of age emotionally and morally. What you are witnessing today is how the narcissist acted as a six year old. No doubt they have polished up their gig. They have fine-tuned their ways through years of trial and error. They are, in some ways, more sophisticated in their game. Some ways. They still can throw a tantrum like any six year old. They have the advantages that come from being an adult which can, to some extent, blind us to how juvenile their behaviors are. They are a child trapped in an adult body. The nasty little brat is still observable in your adult narcissist. No, they weren't nice to know even when they were kids.

This may be hard to get your head around. Probably because the narcissist has given you a wholly different version of their childhood...one in which they star as lead victim.

Example. I have a male cousin who is about five years younger than myself. I was around him for significant periods of time when we were growing up. I have a very clear, first-hand experience of what he was like as a child and what his childhood was like. To say he was a difficult child is to greatly understate his problems. He has grown into what I am sure is a full-blown sociopath. Narcissistic sociopath. He was not abused as a child. He abused his family. I saw it with my own eyes. If anything, he was coddled as his parents bent over backwards trying to help this kid to the point where the younger daughter was often neglected. When he tried to kill his sister it was his sister who was sent away. When he pissed off a local drug dealer who was then threatening to kill his family it was the family who had to pick up and move away. When he would leave to go live with his friends and do drugs on long benders he knew he could come home any time to a clean bed and warm meal. And did. To hear him tell the story of his childhood today you would think his parents were the sociopaths. He has completely projected his own behaviors and attributes onto his family and there he stands...the poor little abused child. It is a load of total shit. He was a nightmare from about two years of age. As he reached the beginning of puberty he was already into drugs. Fire setting, animal abuse, torment of his younger sibling, theft...all were in full swing by puberty. Don't believe the narcissist's version of their childhood. It is likely full of projection and complete fabrication.

Narcissists lie. If they are breathing, they are lying. So, for right now, put aside anything they told you about their childhood and start gathering those observable facts that are available to you right now.

Another example. My mother was the eldest of six. Two were her siblings, three of the others were cousins. My mother's aunt died shortly after giving birth to her third child so my grandmother raised her sister's three children as her own. My mother's parents divorced when all the children were still quite young so my grandmother raised them as a single mother. Because she had to work every day to put food on the table my mother was put in charge of the five children who were younger than her. She was close in age to them. To hear my mother tell it, she took her responsibility as a proxy mother to her siblings very seriously. This is why, she claims, that they all grew to greatly resent her. I believed that version of the story for a very long time.

The observable facts are these: when my mother left home to marry she rarely spent time with her two sibling sisters. Her cousins were no where to be seen most of the time. The few interactions I saw between her and her sisters and cousins were obviously very strained. Visits ended badly and were followed by years of more estrangement. My mother held outright antipathy for her eldest cousin. Over the years my mother presented this cousin as the spawn of Satan. She outright called him evil and had nothing to do with him after leaving home except for one visit that I clearly remember when I was around seven years of age. He had invited us to dinner at his home. I remember liking him very much as he gave me and my sister a very thoughtful keepsake gift (that I still have) and spoke kindly to us. I was immediately best of friends with his daughter who was a year or so younger than me and the sweetest little girl I had ever met. I never saw him again until after his sister died in the late 1990s. If my mother ever said his name she would practically spit it out.

Here is what I now believe about this man. He was the closest in age to her of the three cousins. He and she were only a couple years apart in age. I am convinced that he did not sit still for my mother's tyranny. I think he was likely impervious to her ways of terrorizing and manipulating the others. Which would have scared her and enraged her. She has always acted a little afraid of him when she would talk about him. I have lived long enough now to see that my mother hates and fears those she can not control.

I was able to observe a brief interaction between my mother and this male cousin of hers in the late '90s. I will not try to describe it in detail. I will only say that I recognize the signs that this man is extremely intelligent (something my mother acknowledged and mentioned many times, though she chose to see him present him as an evil genius) and not susceptible to my mother's charms. He was gracious to her, but did not succumb to her attempt to manipulate him with a non-apology for their childhood that she thrust upon him during that visit. I saw no evidence that he is some kind of evil bastard. I have lots of evidence that my mother is the evil bastard.

The fact that my mother's siblings removed themselves from my mother's sphere as soon as they could and maintained their distance all these years speaks volumes. I do not believe they resented my mother being a "mother-figure". I think they hated her for good reason...she was an autocratic and cruelly tyrannical ruler. I will believe what the evidence speaks to and disbelieve how my mother characterizes herself and her siblings as they were growing up.

I also know from painful personal experience that my sister was a nasty little kid who manipulated and made miserable those children who had the displeasure of having to be around her. My female cousin, who I refer to as "Lee" in other posts on my blog, was telling me a couple evenings ago how relieved she is that she isn't going to have to be around my sister now that my sister is ousted from my life. (Because my cousin and I now live close to each other, if my sister came to visit me it would be assured that my cousin would also have to endure a visit from her.) I did have one advantage in growing up with sister dearest...I was older than her. To those who were younger than she (like my cousin)...woe betide them. Sister was a liar, manipulative, very boastful and vain, and generally lorded it over anyone younger. Sister especially loved to get those younger than her into trouble with my mother. My poor cousin never failed to be made miserable by the predations of my sister when family holidays brought us all together. This is something my cousin is only beginning to mention now that she is sure that she won't have to see my sister again. She held her tongue back when she thought perhaps she'd have to try to have see my sister on occasion. Family peace and all. My cousin has only had negative experiences with my sister, and the stories are legion. Some are downright hair-raising. Again, with my sister: the young brat grew up into an adult brat.

My examples do not prove that malignant narcissists were nasty children. Logic does. My personal experiences are in line with the logic. I think if you take the time to analyze what you know about the narcissist apart from what they tell you you will find plenty of evidence that they were creepy little kids, too.

Not all brats grow up into adult-sized brats, but you can be assured that grown-up brat was a pint-sized brat in their day.

An Article: Spiritual Abuse

I have been mulling over thoughts on how to approach the subject of spiritual abuse especially as it relates to narcissists. I've had some close and personal experiences with spiritually abusive people who I am sure were very narcissistic people. There is a close link in Christian churches between the spiritually abusive and narcissism. When those two are combined we start to observe the classic red flags of cultism.

I found an article that is quite comprehensive given its relative brevity. If you feel you've been impacted by a spiritually abusive atmosphere in your church or family then I encourage you to read it in full.

Spiritual Abuse by Major Scott Nicloy

He is covering some important aspects of this problem that I will not be covering. He explains some of the reasons that well-intentioned people become abusive. I will be focusing more on the malignantly intentioned people who use the spiritual club. I think it is important to have it pointed out that not all people who over-reach in their well-intentioned efforts are doing so out of a consciously bad intent. There are plenty of zealous, empty-headed and ill-informed people who can manage the spiritual club with great vigor. In other words, not all spiritual abusers are narcissists, though I consider their behavior narcissistic. As does Mr. Nicloy. The general lack of empathy is a big part of the problem according to this man. I agree.

If a Look Could Kill ...

"It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why." Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

My mother is a virtuoso at what is described above. I'm going to attempt to describe the "look" without the benefit of pictures. I haven't written about this sooner because a picture is worth a thousand words. I've yet to find a picture with the murderous look my mother is known for by those close to her. I've even tried to use Google images to see if anyone has captured something resembling her look. I still haven't found it. So, I'm going to try to describe it both as it appeared and the emotions it evoked and hope your imagination can do the rest. The quote above proves to me that the controlling look is not something that only my mother used.

I'm sure that not only narcissistic mothers use the "look". It can be an effective tool for any narcissist who has had opportunity to privately terrorize another human being into submission. I am certain, though, that the most effective training to fear a "look" is done when one is very young. Before the age of reason.

"Once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word". The terrifying look is terrifying to you because you were trained to perceive it as such. The "look" was accompanied by swift and terrorizing punishment when you were tiny. Like Pavlov's dogs, it didn't take long to associate that look with certain pain, both emotional and physical. Soon, she only has to flash you "the look" and you drop into line. Likely, all this training was accomplished before you could even talk. This means you react to it on a completely emotional, not rational, basis because you were trained long before your rational brain was up and running.

Once you've been trained, the "look" is a subtle form of communication that the narcissist parent uses to keep you in line especially when others are around. Without having to raise their voice, lift a hand, even move an inch out of their chair, you can be instantly persuaded that you are in deep trouble unless you stop what you're doing or saying that very moment. You fear you may still be in trouble even if you do stop instantly...which leaves your little heart quivering in fear for hours.

This being said, all parents are able to communicate with their children with a look. Usually a raised eyebrow. The child's reaction to a parental "look" is a good indication whether or not in privacy that look is followed with terrorism. If a child suddenly looks like they are scared shitless...that look is not a benevolent warning enabling the child to decide to use self-control rather than have to endure discipline. Good parents do not rule their children with terror. They may communicate a warning with a look...a child has a choice at that moment. Proceed and be disciplined. Stop and all is well. Discipline is not terrorism. Narcissist parents do not discipline. They terrify their "subjects" into compliance. They make it so painful to go against them that you'll do just about anything to not displease them. Especially as a helpless child. What I'm describing is the "look" which is backed up with this type of emotional and physical terrorism.

Let's see if I can begin to describe the look my own mother has employed with great effect, not only with myself and my sister, but the scores of children left in her care by oblivious working mothers. If you're a working mother...think about it. Someone like my mother could be caring for your child. My mother was widely considered an excellent day care provider. All her references would have been glowing. Think long and hard. I saw my mother use the below described methods on other people's children many, many times over the years.

Back to the "look". Her entire face tightens. Then the eyes slightly narrow. The nostrils flare subtly. The teeth. The teeth were the major player in her scary face. She would set her front top teeth onto her front bottom teeth which you could perceive was happening even though her mouth is still closed. Then, she moves in on you swiftly. Suddenly, she is right over you, usually with a death grip on your arm. Maybe both arms. Her face is brought within inches of your own. Then the lips unfurl. She is hissing at you through her gritted teeth. She would actually grind them as she was hissing her anger at you. The face is totally demonic. She looks possessed with rage and you feel sure that it is all she can do to not kill you that very instant. As those teeth grind, her face starts to really contort. The bottom part of her jaw sets to the side as she grits and grinds her teeth. The tenseness in her face is entire. She looks like a barely controlled nuclear fission reactor. She never raises her voice. No, the more angry she is the more she whispers. But that whisper is right in front of your eyes. You're face is two inches from the demon woman as she hisses through her grinding teeth. This look is usually followed by an ass pounding. She may use her hand. She may get a shoe. She feels virtuous because she never uses a belt for beatings. Somehow, in her mind, the belt was excessive. Believe me, a rubber-soled sandal can hurt like hell.

Now, this is how she deals with children, not autonomous adults. Keep in mind that the demon-possessed bitch face is saved for the most innocent and the most helpless. This means children, but it can also mean the elderly. I saw her grind her teeth at my dad's father, my grandfather, a time or two. My grandfather had the misfortune of spending his last years under my parent's roof as Parkinson's took him slowly. My mother was in charge of taking care of him. She hated him. She mostly controlled herself when I was around, but I saw the teeth gnash in his presence. Luckily for him, glaucoma had stolen almost 100% of his sight, and his ears didn't work so well either. I am fairly sure most of the subtleties were lost on him, though I'm also sure he knew my mother felt imposed upon by him.

My daughter, when she was around six years of age, was around the summer my mother was taking care of her own mother. It was a six week period where my mother was giving her sister a break. Her mother had some dementia due to multiple strokes. My daughter was so shocked to see my mother spanking her own elderly mother that she's never forgotten it. I am sure my mother must have been giving her devil face to her mother. Hopefully, my poor grandmother was unable to comprehend it. Though I have my doubts about that. One of the reasons my mother was so angry was that my grandmother kept escaping from the house and trying to run down the gravel road. Perhaps she was trying to escape from my mother? Thankfully, that was the only time my mother ever took care of her own mother before her mother passed away. So, as you can see, to be helpless in my mother's care is not to be desired. My father is in for a real shock if he ever becomes dependent on my mother's "tender" ministrations.

I was trained to fear "the look". It worked on me well into adulthood. Yes, the horrid woman would use a subtle version of the "look" long after I was out on my own. I would do just about anything to get that look off her face. No more swooping in, grabbing the arm, hissing in the face. No, she'd stop short of that. Just the pre-swoop part of the look. Reluctant for a scene to follow that look, she would get near perfect compliance from me for decades of my life. She was still capable of dishing out punishment in the form of emotional beatings. She was able to take her grown daughter, seal her off in a room alone with her, and dish out the emotional abuse. I suppose my obvious fear of her "look" was a signal to her that I was still her prey. When I stopped reacting to the look....she started to fear me.

Hopefully, I've been able to describe how a narcissist parent may have trained you to respond to a "look" to control your behavior even long after you've grown. You've been trained to react by giving compliance. It is time to stop fearing the look. It is a version of a temper tantrum. The immature narcissist is threatening to throw a fit if you don't give her what she wants. You're no longer that helpless child. You can use your rational brain to overcome the strong emotions you've been trained to have. As you see your parent's attempt to control you with a look, decide at that moment that you are looking at a two year old threatening to throw a full-blown fit if you don't do things his way. Deal accordingly. If the person who has controlled you with a look has been physically abusive to you as an adult...then be careful. Your resistance must take the form of your absenting yourself from their presence. Hopefully, permanently. Sometimes, the "look that could kill" is exactly that.

When Paul Newman Saw My Mother

Last night we had my extended family over for dessert, coffee and conversation. Half-way through the evening I told them I was going to read one of my blog posts to them. My Mother -- The Actress.

The reactions when I started reading it to them were very entertaining (as I knew they would be). They started gasping, talking over each other, "Oh, yeah, how many times did we have to hear THIS story"; laughter and hilarity ensued. This part of the family was under my mother's thumb for a number of years. I've written about my cousin, her sons and her father (my uncle) in other posts. This is the part of my extended family we remain close to and live close to. We've all broken every contact with my parents and sister.

For nearly five years my mother had unfettered access to my cousin, et al. They've heard all the stories I grew up hearing. They've heard them almost as many times as I have because they know the stories word for word as I do. It is fun to hear them repeat stories that I had grown up with and had to continue to endure well into adulthood. When they repeat my mother's tales it enables me to see how my mother has altered and embellished some of her well-worn stories in more recent years.

When I finished reading to them, a couple of them in unison said, "You've got to tell the story of "The Time Paul Newman Saw Your Mother". I started laughing because I had already decided to do that. That is exactly where my mind went after telling you all about my mother's competition with Sophia Loren. People who've been in my mother's sphere for any length of time know that Loren leads to Newman.

It was the early 1970's which means I was around ten years old. I still clearly remember being told by my mother that she and dad were heading off for a romantic weekend on the coast. Sister and I were going to have a babysitter for two days. This would have been a non-event, and I would never have remembered it if not for the story my mother came back with. It was repeated with more than enough regularity to ensure it has been hard-wired into my memory neurons. If I ever get Alzheimer's, I'll likely still remember this story.

Mommy dearest and dad headed off for Salishan Lodge in Newport, OR. It was a brand new upscale resort at a popular beach destination. I believe it was the first upscale resort to come to that area. There are much nicer places there now, but at the time Salishan was swanky and new.

My mom would have been in her early thirties. She was still slim and hadn't lost her southern California sophistication yet. In a few years she gained 40 lbs and starting looking more like a chubby Mexican mamasita, but at this time my mother still had her looks.

My parents were eating a meal in the Salishan restaurant. The restaurant was rather deserted at the time except for a man seated a little way away reading a paper. My mother says she was animatedly talking with my father when she started noticing the man reading the paper was looking her direction. She could see he had startlingly blue eyes. She claims she began to feel a bit disconcerted because this man wouldn't stop staring at her. He had no expression on his face; just a blue gaze.

Finally, she said something to my father. "Honey, that man over there keeps staring at me, and he has the bluest eyes I've ever seen." Reportedly, my father then noticed this and so was able to confirm the man with the blue eyes was staring at my beautiful mother.

As my parents were exiting the restaurant they saw some excited chattering amongst the restaurant workers. One of them turned to my parents and said, "Did you see PAUL NEWMAN? He's here."

This moment has lived on in our lives as "The Time Paul Newman Saw My Mother". I kid you not. That is exactly what my father named this event. My mother positively wiggles with delight when someone says, "Remember 'The Time Paul Newman Saw You'?" We would bring it up as a kind of subtle joke; she thinks we bring it up to fondly remember her youthful and irresistible beauty. Bring up the title to this story and watch her take off!

The punchline of this story is that Paul Newman saw her, she didn't see him. Mother loves the juxtaposition of her not realizing she was in the same room as a movie star...but that the movie star noticed her. Somehow, the fact that she didn't figure out it was Paul Newman is supposed to tell us that she is not someone who needs to pay attention when the rich and famous walk into the room. She is the one with the star quality...and the movie stars pay homage to her.

Part of this story is also how my parents looked like a happy couple. Married for a little over a decade and still having romantic trysts and enjoying each other's company at a meal. Aren't we special? Not a sullen couple silently eating their omelets at the same table. No, she is still captivating to her man as she gesticulates her way through a conversation.

I keep referring to my mother's extensive use of hand and arm movements most every time I am describing her. Anyone who has known her for more than an hour will nod vigorously if one mentions her hand and arm movements as she talks. They are an entity until themselves. They are not meant to emphasize her words...they actually serve to distract from her words. To hypnotize you into not noticing what she is really saying. I am suspicious of the possibility that Newman's attention was grabbed by the constant movement of my mother's "graceful" arms and hands. Oh, yes, don't forget to notice how graceful and lovely her hands are. This is how she showcases one of her assets. She is quite proud of her shapely hands and arms and manicured nails. I am nurturing a belief that Paul Newman was simply a victim of gesticulation manipulation. Having been hypnotized by those beautiful butterflies attached to the end of her arms, I am becoming more sure of what Paul Newman was really looking at. He probably wanted to knock her to the ground and tie her arms behind her back.

Mom still tells this story to anyone she is trying to impress. Now that she is pushing 70 years old it is important to underline the fact that she was a stellar beauty in her day. Who of you can tell stories of when movie stars noticed you? That is hard to compete with. No one ever tries.

Her audience just smiles and oooh's and ahhhh's. We're in the presence of a woman whom the stars take notice. Don't you forget it.

Sniper Attack

I'm just cruising around Google checking different things out, and I stumbled across an article. The link is here. Actually the page contains several articles stacked up. Under the heading of, "Bullies, Narcissists and Snipers" July 2004 there is an interesting definition of the back-stabber. Sniper. You have to page down to find it. Here is a snippet:

Otherwise known as Back Stabbers, these folks can be difficult to deal with because they are friendly and agreeable to your face, and will always deny any hostile intent, yet they find ways to attack you invisibly, or when you’re not looking. The best way to deal with this passive-aggressive behavior is to surface the attack: that is, let the sniper know that you realize what’s going on, and if you can, point out the sniping behavior as it’s happening. This will likely make the sniper mad, but usually the attacks will diminish over time if you confront them calmly and consistently.

This is instructive for all you out there who may be dealing with a sniper or a bully. Or a narcissist who is a sniper and a bully. Don't take it lying down. Even though some of the bystanders will scream at you for daring to assert yourself...keep the exposure front and center. Take it to the little sweet-faced backstabber. Don't pretend you don't see what is happening. Don't think that by keeping your mouth shut that you are somehow rising above it all. There is no virtue in that. Bullies smell red meat if you do not stand up to them. The more you take their crap, the more crap you're going to get. Bullies are cowards. Period. As long as they feel they have support of others they can act all brave. But if you are fearless in exposing them they will seek an easier target. You won't be worth the pain you're causing them. The sniper is a particularly cowardly version of a bully, therefore your efforts to expose them will be particularly effective.

So, armed with that knowledge, go make a scene. Calmly.

Betrayal of the Bystanders

Betrayal of the bystanders. It is something many of us have experienced. It goes hand in hand with a narcissist's abuse. They make sure they surround themselves with dupes who love a lie.

Which reminds me of what the Bible says in 2 Thessalonians. It talks about those people who have never learned to "love the truth"...the consequences of this are then stated. Because they don't love the truth, they are completely susceptible to delusion. The axiom here is: If you don't love truth you will believe and love lies.

This, to me, is a scary reality. I long ago decided I would embrace truth because the truth is where life resides. Lies may accomplish short term goals, but in the long run living in lies embrace life-destroying effects. The complicit bystanders who lap up gossip like a cat laps cream are exposing their love of lies. They are dangerous to your life. When they are exposed to you as the result of a narcissist's attempt to assassinate your character, your best choice is to put as much distance between the credulous bystanders and your self as possible.

Kathy Krajco has clearly defined the bystanders as she does all topics she addresses. Go have a read. She is condemning the bystanders who actually have personal knowledge and experience of your character. I can hardly imagine that anyone who has stood up to the narcissist in their family has not experienced this "betrayal of the bystanders". Those people who have known you for years, decades, and yet suddenly un-know everything they ever knew about you to believe the complete opposite of what you are. It is a particularly cruel act. One that demands you apply a hatchet to any relationship you had with them. Beware of people who "Drive Under the Influence of a Narcissist" (DUIN). They are as dangerous as the N. They are drunk on lies and not safe for close association.

My Mother -- The Actress

One of my mother's cherished fantasies is the one where she could have been a movie star. She grew up in Los Angeles and blossomed into a striking beauty. Nothing was ordinary about her beauty...it was the kind of exotic beauty that turned the heads of men and women. I know this is true because I've seen it for myself. I've seen the pictures. I've seen the person. She didn't make up this part of the story. Her breath-taking beauty of youth was the primary source of her downfall. It gave her great power which she delighted in exploiting.

A story my mother loves to tell is the one where she is dressed up and walking down a street in Hollywood. She was somewhere around eighteen to twenty years old. Whom should she pass but Sophia Loren. Ms. Loren was flanked by a couple of men, but was not looking so hot that day. No make-up, not dressed up, disheveled and behaving badly. Ms. Loren saw my mother, turned, and asked those around her, "who is that?" My mother is careful to emphasize how startled and jealous Ms. Loren seemed to be. My mother has told this story over and over to me and others. There is possibly a grain of truth in it, but I suspect it is largely the product of my mother's grandiose dreams. My mother seemed to have a life-long competition going with Sophia Loren. Some reasons for this is that they were somewhat close in age (Loren is just a few years older), both were exotic beauties, Loren was an actress and my mother always fancied herself to be one, too. My mother imagined herself to be everything Loren was, only better.

Over the years I have heard my mother occasionally remark on how she could have been a "consummate actress". Her words. I had always believed her. Now, I think, "Yeah, you could have been an actress, but you would have been Norma Desmond, not Sophia Loren." There is no doubt that my mother has acting skills. She has always been playing to an audience. Much of her act, though, was playing to her greatest strength...her looks. With the fading looks it is much easier to see that the acting skills leave a lot to be desired.

Joe Gillis: You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
Norma Desmond: I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

Which brings me to "Norma Desmond" of to 1950 movie Sunset Blvd. I love this movie. It is so my mother. The character of Ms. Desmond captures the essence of my mother in her declining years. Even though Norma hasn't been on the silver screen for twenty years she is always living in her past as though it is present. She has turned her crumbling mansion into a shrine to herself, and her butler diligently props up her delusions by writing and sending her fan mail so she thinks she still has an adoring public. I'm sure that many people watch this movie and laugh at Gloria Swanson's over-the-top acting as "Norma Desmond". I applaud her for it. One of the qualities of a narcissist is their over-the-top acting jobs! What may look like pure fiction to certain viewers greatly resembles the reality of my own mother. I've seen all of it in real life. Ms. Swanson captures the essence of the narcissist in this movie. Even the fricking hand and arm movements are familiar to me. At the very least, Ms. Swanson captures the essence of my narcissist mother.

I especially love it when movies depicting narcissistic characters get the ending right. Happy endings where the narcissist suddenly becomes a real human being always strike me as silly and hitting a flat note. It is not an ending I can believe, so it ruins the whole story for me. Narcissists end badly. Period. Sunset Blvd. shows the main character, Norma, as finally being completely consumed by her delusions. She escapes harsh reality by totally committing herself to her fantasy about herself and life. Consequently, she goes mad. She commits herself to her madness because she has to escape from the egregious crime she commits in the name of jealous "love". Rather than face the truth of her actions, she makes the final descent into her insane fabrications. All that being said, I laugh throughout this film-noir at many points including the ending. The character is playing to her "audience" right to the bitter end. Just like my mother.

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."

UPDATE: Apparently I forgot the most important detail to the Sophia Loren Story. My cousin has heard all my mother's stories much more recently than I have due to having been in my mother's life more recently than I have. Here's the punchline I forgot. I am sure I forgot it because I never believed it. It was one of those things I just flushed because it was so damn silly.

Okay, brace yourself.

The next time my mother saw Ms. Loren (where? when? who knows) she had completely changed her look. No longer the potty-mouthed, disheveled and ill-behaved wretch. She was well-dressed, perfectly coiffed, lady-like and carrying herself with the same exact airs as she saw my mother demonstrate that day by just passing her on the street. It wasn't until then that her career took off. Yes, folks. You didn't know this, but Sophia Loren found success by emulating my very own mother. How's that for a grandiose sense of oneself?

Blind-sided by a Smear Campaign

Since it happened yesterday I have struggled with whether or not to bring it up here on my blog. I wasn't sure I wanted to involve people who would never be aware of these events without me mentioning it here. I've decided to do it. I'll explain why as we go along.

I have been the object of a smear campaign. I was unsuspecting therefore it was quite a shock. This seems like a good time to bring up the concept of the "smear campaign" that is often used by narcissists. Since this blog is about narcissists and their tactics, this is a good time to bring up this particular one.

I was recently invited to join a Yahoo Group by the owner of that group. I was invited and joined on Aug. 28, 2007. The shit hit the fan yesterday, nine days after joining. This is a support group for people who are "divorcing" their parents or in the process of it. The owner asked me to join her group so I could post there. I walked into a trap, apparently.

She was well aware of my blog. Looking in the archives minutes before I unsubbed last night I saw that she had at least three times, in the previous month to my joining, quoted entire blog posts from Narcissists Suck with attribution. Which is fine. My point is, the purpose for her doing so was obviously to be helpful and instructive to her group members. She was recommending my site by quoting it and including the link. No indication until yesterday that she was thinking I was an evil "spy" that she must warn her members against.

Yes, in an email that obviously had been sent to one of her group members privately she titled it "Beware of Anna V" and proceeded to libelously accuse me of stealing ideas from her members in the group claiming I had gotten into her group in disguise so I could steal content. The accusations were made without one shred of proof. Her accusations are rather fuzzy. The more specific accusation claims I had stolen the idea from one of her members to analyze my sister's letter. This is so ludicrous as to be almost laughable. I guess I could never have come up with that idea all by my little self. Not to mention that my analysis of my sister's letter was composed over TWO years ago! (A fact I can prove.) That it only ended up in my blog some weeks back doesn't mean I just came up with it. It was an exercise I did immediately after my cutting off with my sister. Which is a fact I shared when I posted it on my blog. Of all the things to accuse me of stealing she goes right for the thing I can prove absolutely to have come up with on my own.

This group owner's private email ended up in the group messages because the person she was trying to poison responded to it with the group's email address. So the owner decides to switch me from receiving the "digest" version of the group's posts to "web only". That tells me she wasn't eager for me to see her libelous comments.

This group owner has greatly flattered herself to believe that her group was so compellingly interesting to me that I had to join incognito to "steal" ideas from her group. She wasn't even on my radar. I only joined because she specifically asked me to, and I was willing to give it a try to see if I could add anything pertinent or of interest for her group as she was specifically asking me to do. I was poorly rewarded for my decision.

After I found the libelous message yesterday late morning, I fired off a response to the group. It never was allowed into the group by the owner. She obviously put me on moderation after switching me to "web only". I had no recourse to try to clear my name to the very people who were being influenced by her smear campaign against me. I reserve the right to try to defend myself where I can. Here, on my blog. Some of her members were still visiting my blog after her email landed into the group messages. Maybe someone there is interested in my side of the story.

Because she was falsely accusing me of stealing intellectual property she has in reality laid claim to stealing my intellectual property. She is staking her "right" to decide what I've stolen and claim it as her own or belonging to her group. All without a speck of proof. Meanwhile, I have proof of my ownership of what she claims I took. Absolute proof that would stand up in court. The attempted thief in this picture is group owner herself.

Since this happened to me yesterday, I have now found out from other ACONs she has abused others in similar ways. The common theme that has developed by people who are now speaking up is that she is somewhat paranoid and very authoritarian. Beware of:

"Adultchildren_divorcing_their_parents" at Yahoo Groups.

Had I known what she had already done to other ACONS in the other group I was already a member of I would never have been lured to join up with this owner's newer group. Knowing that if her identity had been revealed to me I would have been saved this unpleasant experience, I am sharing the identity of this owner's group with you here. Just be aware of what you've read here should you decide this is a place you want to hang out or are already a member of it. Think of this like a restaurant review. I went. I now have my own experience and impression which I am free to describe. The atmosphere and food sucks. Two thumbs down.

Back to what Kathy Krajo has so well described about the smear campaign:

Note that in doing this, the narcissist isn't attacking your faults and shortcomings: she is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently, when she is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows she shoots never hit one of that person's real flaws.

I maintain this applies to my situation. I think there is some ample evidence that I can think for myself and can write what I'm thinking with at least some decent clarity and quality. This group owner has tried assassinate my virtues and not my flaws. I believe she has revealed something about herself. I am tempted to believe she has done what she accuses me of having done. I am pointing the finger straight back at the originator of the smear. I will assume there is a certain amount of projection motivating the smear campaign.

Because this group owner gave me no recourse to clear my name in her group, I am doing it here where many more people will learn of her treachery than just the few members of her closed little world where she controls all the knobs, bells and whistles.

Smear campaigns are a form of stealing. When someone does this to you they steal a part of you. Your good name, virtues and strengths. Do not sit still for it. It is never deserved. Kathy Krajco points out that the smear campaign is never provoked. That certainly applies in this case. There is no bad history between this person and me. I have never contradicted her, talked negatively about her, nothing. I get kicked in the teeth. The perversity of her attack is huge and therefore a giant red flag.

By the way, I have submitted a formal complaint to Yahoo!Groups and have requested that the libelous messages be deleted. If she deletes them now she can pretend this whole thing never happened. She is being invited to remove only the proof of her own treachery. Not a bad deal for her.

Please read the full article at Kathy's site on Projection (and smear campaigns). It is excellent...as is all her content.
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9/21/07: Another innocent person has been blind-sided by the owner of "Adultchildren_divorcing_their_parents" Yahoo! Group. The casualties mount. Please beware. This group owner writes very poorly in English. She has an American moderator who is her well-spoken pit-bull who threatens legal action to anyone who dares to describe this owner's mistreatment of them. You must subscribe to this group with extreme caution. It can only be a support group to you if you are willing to agree to all the paranoid delusions of its owner. This is not an exaggeration. You've been warned.

Narcissist Grandparents

I've expressed one of my greatest regrets in a couple places on my blog. I will reiterate it here: my greatest regret in life (and I have some doozies, but this one easily wins first place) is that I allowed my mother access to my daughter when she was young.

The comments on the last post asked for my opinion on how to explain to children why you are cutting the narcissistic grandparent out of their lives. Before I get to that, I want to deal with the moral necessity of protecting one's children from a known danger. What I have marveled at in myself and in others is that we have endured so much pain, both physical and emotional, inflicted by our narcissist parent and, yet, we somehow see our way clear to allow our abuser access to our own young. The disconnect in our thinking is rather breath taking when approached rationally without making mental exceptions for the familial connection.

Here are the facts of life: the malignant narcissist is still a malignant narcissist even after you give birth. The fundamental nature of your malignantly narcissistic parent is the same as it was when you were a child. (If not worse.) Due to no reason other than the fact that you brought a child into the world, your narcissist parent is now a narcissist grandparent. Your bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. But adult children of narcissists (ACONs) seem to show a natural affinity for believing in this work of fiction. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the narcissist to changing circumstances.

It is highly unlikely that your NPD parent will interact with your children in exactly the same way they did with you. At least, not in your presence. They have adapted their methods to the new situation of you having a family of your own. They know they don't have the same power and control they used to so they usually switch to sneakier methodologies. Which allows you to think that they have changed from what they were when you were growing up. From my personal experience, and from observing the experiences of others, the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well.

The actual mechanics of how the NPD grandparent will misuse their relationship to their grandchildren will vary. Generally, they will either over-value or under-value the grandchild as a means to get to you. Often, when they over-value, it is the objective of the Ngrandparent to steal the child from you. I mean that in both senses, physically and emotionally. Ngrandparents are known for so much trash-talking against you behind your back to your own child or children that they want to go live with grandma or grandpa, or the Ngrandparents simply inspire rebellion of the child against you. They steal the hearts of the grandchildren. Sometimes, they will battle for physical custody of a grandchild after their slander campaign against you has won them powerful allies. Many times the Ngrandparent has a lot of extra cash to throw around since they are done raising a family. They may successfully exploit the natural selfishness of the child by using cash or toys to lure them. I have read heart-breaking stories of these kinds of situations often enough that I recognize the clear danger any narcissist grandparent represents. They can even steal your children's hearts from you when the children near adulthood with promises of money, houses, cars, college tuition, etc. as bait.

It is imperative to let yourself know that, without profound evidence to the contrary, your narcissist parent is a narcissist still. You must let yourself know for a fact that your Nparent can not be trusted with your most precious responsibility, your children. If you allow contact between your children and your Nparent it must never be out of sight. Never for a moment leave your child alone with this serial abuser. They only need a few moments of alone time to inflict damage. A whisper, an insinuation, a pinch, a look. If you consider yourself a responsible parent you will never, ever leave your child alone with your Nparent. Ever.

So you've made the decision that cutting off contact with your Nparent is a necessity and now you're dealing with questions from your children, or you're anticipating questions. First of all, let us establish another fact. You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will find that the children will eventually stop mentioning the loss of the narcissist grandparent if you are not bringing it up. If you are talking about your Nparent in the hearing of your children then you are inviting them to keep talking about it, too. I can not over-emphasize the need for your explanation to a younger child to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed the Ngrandparent's nastiness in action then you can say more.

Young children are not known for their long attention spans. This works in your favor. With younger children you have the advantage of distraction. It is easy enough to get the child's mind off onto another track. Every parent has done the distraction routine at one time or another. "Mommy, I want to see NastyGram today!" "Honey, we aren't going to see NastyGram today because we get to go to the park and eat ice cream." (Make up fun time on the spot if necessary for this distraction.) "Yay!!" sez the kid and off we go. Subject changed, kid distracted. In time, NastyGram will fade from memory. Any bonding that may have occurred will dissipate in the process of time.

Remember, you are the parent. You're older and therefore more experienced which is the point of being the parent. The child is dependent on your good sense and protective wisdom. You're smarter than your child; use that to your advantage (such as using the distraction method). You are the final authority. This is not a negotiable issue. Kidlet doesn't get to decide on this one because they lack the understanding, wisdom, experience and good sense that, hopefully, you have. So don't look like you're unsure or open to quibble. You'll undermine yourself if you look anything but firm and resolved on it. Use your advantages as parent to smooth the effects of the cut-off. Over time this will all quiet down. Kids tend to accept what is. It will happen more quickly if you follow the above advice.

Most of all, do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behavior; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

Cutting off from your narcissist parent is a good thing. No need to act otherwise. Your children will sense it is a good thing by how you behave. Model how you want them to respond and it is likely they will imitate. Don't be afraid of their questions. Kids are amazingly resilient and well-equipped to handle truth. Parents are supposed to protect their progeny. If your child doesn't agree with how you go about that don't worry. They will often disagree with your decisions for their best interests. Nothing new there. It is your job as parent to make the tough decisions. If you know it is the right decision then proceed with confidence. Showing confidence is a quality of leadership. As a parent you are supposed to be a leader. Lead...and they will likely follow.

I would like to invite readers to use the comment section on this post to describe their experiences with narcissistic grandparents. This will be highly instructive to those who are on the fence. People tend to get stuck at the point where they think they are depriving their children of their grandparents instead of seeing that they are insuring that their own narcissistic parents now have access to abuse the grandchildren. Because the abuse is usually hidden the damage is done before people catch on. I would like to save people from this experience if they are at all willing to listen to the experiences of others.

Your Most Fundamental Right

Your most fundamental right, the right given to all living creatures be they man or beast, is the right to self-defense. A fundamental right is defined as any right that can be simultaneously claimed by all without infringing on another person's rights. Self-defense falls into this definition. Your right to protect yourself, your property, and your family can be exercised without infringing on another person's right to the same. The fundamental right to LIVE is the basis of the fundamental right of self-defense.

I contend that only a tyrant-at-heart will try to make a case that you do not have the right to self-defense. Narcissists are always tyrannical which is why they will teach their children at the youngest age that the child has no right to self-defense. This is taught to the child through brain-washing techniques which is why the child grows into an adult and still won't exercise their most basic human right. One of the hallmarks of self-defense is that you will use the minimum force necessary to eliminate the imminent threat. For example, if you stab someone 45 times the police will not likely believe you were acting in self-defense. That kind of over kill is the hallmark of rage and hatred, not self-defense.

We need to address the woefully rigid thinking of many Christians on this subject. They will cluck their tongues and mutter on about the need to "turn the other cheek" if they are forced to witness an abused individual try to assert their right to self-defense even if that self-defense is merely in the form of walking away. Near as I can tell, when Christ issued instructions to "walk an extra mile" and "turn the other cheek" the primary context is when an individual is under the power of a civil authority. The immediate context of His instructions were to not engage in retribution (i.e "eye for an eye"). Retribution is quite different than self-defense. There is plenty of Biblical instruction to defend the self and those in your care from evil by withdrawing from it. That is self-defense. There are numerous Biblical examples of God's people going to war in order to defend life and country. Withdrawing from an evil person or situation is the use of the right to self-protection. Withdrawing, i.e. going no contact, is exercising the minimum "force" necessary to provide for one's self defense. It isn't even "force" at all. The only force applied in going No Contact is forcing that person to stop hurting you. Expect the narcissist to howl that you are doing something immoral by refusing all contact. Again, that is the roar of the frustrated tyrant.

I can hear Christians still arguing against the idea...so I'll go a step further. Look at nature. If you truly believe that God created everything then look at how He created all creatures with some ability to defend themselves. Some of the most apparently helpless creatures have advantages of stealth and camouflage at their disposal. What is camouflage but using pattern and color to deceive the predator's eye? Yes, even the God of Heaven justifies the use of deception in order to protect the helpless from predation. Some creatures' self-defense come in the form of building holes, forts and dens. Hiding is usually a very effective form of self-defense and is seen all throughout nature. Look at the ways that certain animal mothers will protect their young. The use of teeth, claws, strength and fierce mien is unhesitatingly used to protect herself and her young. When a fierce mother bear feels her young are threatened she will apply force unapologetically...and will stop applying force the moment she feels the threat is over. Yes, she may go over-board in our estimation...but she is an animal. We are moral beings in addition to being sentient. We can better gauge the level of force necessary to self-protect which will rarely require bloodshed. Thankfully. Camouflage (hiding in plain sight), hiding in protective covering, or brute force. All these principles of self-defense are seen in every aspect of God's creation. The predators may also use these methods, nevertheless, no creature is found without some built-in knowledge or ability to self-defense. That includes YOU.

When you hear anyone arguing against the right for others to defend themselves from a threat to their person or property you are witnessing the spirit of the tyrant. Resist tyranny. Never attempt to deprive yourself or others of the right to self-defense otherwise you will be playing into the hands of the despot and risk imbibing of the spirit of the despot yourself if you insist on others not exercising their right to self-defense.

If you have scruples against defending yourself, do not feel free to foist your scruples onto someone else. Have your scruples, but leave others alone to theirs. You can decide to be lunch for a predator, but your rights stop there. You have no right to demand others to willingly surrender themselves to be a predator's meal.

Recognize the reality that the narcissist will never give you "permission" to defend yourself against them. Quit being confused as to your rights to self-defense when confronted by the threatenings and breathings against you by the narcissist for doing so. Is it reasonable to expect the despotic ruler to grant you the right to mount a defense against his capricious demands? Hardly. It is time to recognize your fundamental right to live which is connected to your fundamental right to defend your life against threats. This is as true in the emotional, mental and spiritual realm as in the physical.

The Narcissistic Mother

Many people are directed to my blog by Google as they search for "characteristics of narcissistic mothers". It seems there are too many characteristics to list, but someone has managed to capture a good picture of the beast. I direct you to Sanctuary for the Abused. Check out the post for Sunday, September 2, 2007 for a detailed description of the many and varied ways of the narcissistic mother. The narcissistic mother is a special beastie all her own. Read it and weep...or laugh. Whichever mood strikes.