This is My Happy Face

Click here for pic of me. I am posting it today because it captures my present mood. I'm hiding this in the archives cuz I don't want it showing up on the front page. I won't be able to handle the shock of seeing myself in living color when I go to my blog. Feel free to not comment.

I promised some weeks ago I'd put up a picture of myself at some point. I'm a woman of my word.



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Sister's Most Recent Letter

I have composed my reply to my sister's latest email. Haven't hit the 'send' button yet; I'm going to sometime today, I think. My email is loooooong. The end result of many hours of labor.

*sigh*

My husband said last night how my email is too long to post on my blog because no one will read it. "They'll be overwhelmed." sez he. I protested. I think at least some of you will read it. Prove me right, please. *big grin*

I'm going to post my sister's email today. That will give ya'll time to read it over and come up with your own impressions before I lay out the facts. I realize that many of you won't have the context of my history with my sister to inform your reading of her email. That's okay. By the time you read my response you'll know what's goin' on. If you're interested in the chronology of our last email exchange you would start here. Then you'd go here for the second part. There's more, but that would probably give you enough context to understand what is being discussed in her most recent email and my soon-to-be posted response.

I'll post my response to my sister's email after I get around to sending it to her. I'll probably put it up tomorrow.

Without further ado...here is sister dearest's attempt at reconciliation after a two year silence:

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[time stamp on email is: Sat, 10 May 2008 22:05:38 -0700]

Dear Anna,

Much time has passed since our last communication and I hope you are well. I know you have moved to XXXXX for [husband's] work and I hope you like it there.

It has been heavy on my heart all these years that I have offended you. The thought of you hurting because of something I have done is a terrible thing. There is no doubt in my mind that I did something which caused this, but time has not helped me bring about a revelation of the event. I do so wish you would tell me so I could offer you a specific apology directed to the specific pain I have caused you. I would also like to know if there is anything I can do to make up for this offense.

I know it has been a lifelong struggle for you to love and understand me. We have such varied perspectives on life. I know I have always stepped unaware on your sensitive spots and caused you much pain. I am so sorry for that. I hope you can believe that most of the pain I have caused you has been unintentional.

There were a few things you said to me that I have spent much time thinking about. I saw there was truth in it and I wanted to really give it my complete attention. You talked about my need for you to respond in a certain way for me to really feel validated. This made you feel contrived and manipulated. I can see that. I am so sorry that I did this to you. Not only you, but others close to me in my life. I struggled with this reveal of my character for many months before I realized it was a matter of surrender to God. What you identified was real and needed uprooting but no amount of my own effort was going to be able to remove it from my life. It was a spiritual matter that only God could address for any lasting success.

Which leads me to the most profound truth you shared with me. You grew tired of me talking about my damages from childhood and asked me if I had so much knowledge...why was I so stuck (D's paraphrase). Good question and one I could not in all integrity ignore. So again I asked God what was up. I learned from Him that going back to the places of pain, the roots of weak character, is only the beginning. It is the starting point, not the completion of the work which needs to be completed. Knowing these roots is essential for surrendering them to God who is the only one who can heal and restore my character. He was showing me these things not so they could be my "truth", but so I could give them to Him for healing. Needless to say, this has been a process. But thanks be to God, "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it."

So I thank you for helping me to see that how I was perceiving life and how I was living was not good enough. I thank God that there is victory in Jesus and a life short of that is no life at all.

In light of our differences of both personality and experiences, I know we will always have things we cannot agree on. But please do not use it as an excuse to stop loving me. Please let me know what I have done because I want no offenses to be between us any longer. I do not hold any illusions that we will go back to being close. I know too much time has been allowed for festering of pain and old wounds do not heal easily. I am simply requesting an opportunity to make amends to my sister whom I dearly love.

Love,

D

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Does she have you convinced she is sincere? That I'm just being a hard-ass? Maybe she is and I am.

From my insider's point of view, though, it is the other way around.

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Writing Letters; Good Idea or Bad Plan?

In the comments on my post of April 27, 2008 a line of discussion developed on the pros and cons of writing letters, especially kiss-off letters, to the narcissist in your life. Some say yes...some say no.

I say yes and no. It depends. Maybe.

You may or may not have noticed my lack of dogmatism on this point if you have read much here. That is because it really depends on circumstances and personalities as to whether or not it is a good idea to put pen to paper. It is a personal decision you have to make because only you can ascertain whether, in your circumstance, it is better to write or not write. You know the characters in your particular play. You know yourself. You get to decide.

The 'no letter' crowd are more vocal about their position. They have good reason to believe that it is an exercise in futility. A waste of time. It can hand ammo to the enemy. These are excellent points and you must carefully weigh them when making your decision.

You had better know your own mind very well before embarking on a letter writing course. If your thoughts are not crystallized, if they are not well-organized, if you are uncertain of your position; these are contraindications for writing a letter.

For my family and circumstances letter writing was the right plan. I am competent with the written word. There were many things that had never been said before and I wanted them out there. And I wanted to be able to say those things without interruption. I have the type of family members that I knew would read every word I wrote...and then re-read them. So even long letters were an option. If the narcissist you're dealing with has a short attention span then you would need to consider that fact. The most important aspect for me was having a record of everything. It was something I deeply felt I needed. I wanted a record of exactly what I said because my family members are big on revisionism. I wanted to be able to quote chapter and verse what I said so they couldn't get away with that. Just as important to me was having a written record of what they have said. This has been invaluable to me. Because my family are even more inclined to rewrite their own words.

My family members were highly confident of their ability to carry off their deceptions and sleight of hand tricks on paper as well as they are able to do face-to-face. Their confidence worked in my favor. My mother, my father and my sister in turn all began with great confidence. They were sure of their ability to pull one over in writing. Only too late did my mother recognize how the written word works against her. When I could hold her to her words and when I could prove she was twisting my words, she backed into her corner and quivered in fear. My sister isn't as smart as my mother, so sister dearest still has enough hubris to come at me again, after two years, in writing. She will likely regret her decision. My point is, narcissistically-driven people don't see how they reveal so much of themselves when they write things down. The written word is tangible. Solid. Grab-able. You can grab their words and hold them to it. Because it is written they are greatly hindered in their habit of taking back what they say. That worked beautifully in my situation. Because they are so unprincipled they contradict themselves or outright lie because they only have their eye on the outcome they are pursuing. Getting what they want from you. If you can get them to write down their responses to you then you are able to document their lies. Guaranteed. They talk, they write, they lie. It is nice to get those lies down in black and white.

I really believe that people know in their gut whether or not it is useful to write an kiss-off letter listing some of the reasons for saying bye-bye. I have no regrets for having written letters, kiss-off and otherwise. Those letters are invaluable to me. I have assembled a fat file filled with my letters and their responses. Forever and ever I have written proof of who they are. (I have redundant copies in various places to ensure they don't get lost.) They each in their turn completely revealed themselves on paper. I have all the proof I need that these people should not be in my life. In the early days when I could still have moments in insecurity about my decision to cut them off (particularly my mother) I could go back and re-read the letter exchanges. Those letters, both mine and theirs, contain proof. Proof that I did everything I could to try to persuade them to reason. Proof that I extended myself to the uttermost in order to attempt to save some kind of relationship. Proof that they rejected my efforts and would only agree to their own terms. Totally unacceptable terms. Unlivable terms that I had lived with for four decades.

Obviously, I am pro-letter under certain circumstances. But I am also very aware that with some narcissists it would be a complete waste of time. Or worse. When I wrote my letters I was extremely careful to not hand my family ammo to shoot me up with. I succeeded brilliantly with that. I didn't give them handles on my emotions. I was able to protect myself. If you are not confident you can do that with letters then it is best to not write. Yes, my mother showed my letters to those in her circle of sycophants to prove what an evil daughter I am. That doesn't matter to me. In my mind, if anyone could read my letters to my mother and still perceive me as being evil, then screw 'em. I don't need people like that around me. Their opinion is of no weight in my estimation. Mommy dearest showing my letters to people she was sure would support her is not, in my opinion, using my letters as ammo. No, what I'm talking about is whether or not my family could use my own words to prove to me that I'm a bad person. I said nothing to them that I want to take back. I said what I meant and meant what I said. And I didn't shoot below the belt. They can't guilt me with my own words. Also, I didn't dwell on or make a point of my negative feelings be it hurt, anger, frustration, etc. I kept on the subject of behavior. Theirs and mine. Stay away from describing how they hurt you. That is rich fodder for their future plans of annihilation of you. This is what I'm talking about when referring to using your words as ammo to shoot you up with. Do not tell them what makes you tick.

Did my family accept my arguments? Did they understand me? Hell, no. If you are writing a letter expecting those outcomes, then fugeddaboudit. In that sense, letters are a waste of your time. If you're writing a kiss-off letter, remember, they are for kissing them off. Not for persuasion. My letter writing was a bigger effort than kissing my family off. I started each letter writing campaign as an effort to try to do what I could to save some semblance of a relationship with them knowing that if I didn't achieve that outcome at least I would have proof to myself that I tried. Ultimately, I ended up with each of them in turn having to write that final letter closing off contact. But I think I've shown there are other outcomes you can be going for when writing a letter besides an expectation of gaining their understanding. In fact, you never approach a narcissist hoping they will gain insight or understanding from your words. That would just be stupid.

The last letter I wrote to my sister didn't definitively shut the door forever. I left a little ray of hope that someday I would contact her again to see if she had grown up yet. The reason I did that was because I was quite conflicted about blowing her off forever. She isn't an evil genius like my mother. Sister is very narcissistically driven, but I can't be sure she is a malignant narcissist. I can't be entirely sure because I have maintained a large emotional distance from her all my life because she was so consistently untrustworthy. She would pull out emotional knives at unpredictable junctures, so I learned to keep the emotional walls up with her very early on. I can't answer the question of whether or not she is predatory. It feels like she is with me, but I can't know if I'm the exception or the rule.

Because I didn't slam the door completely shut I am now faced with her latest attempt to persuade me she is changed. I am presently in the position of deciding whether to write or not write. I know it will only accomplish one thing if I do write her--she will leave me alone again. For awhile. I am inclined to write for that reason alone. Persuasion? Reconciliation? No, those will not be my objectives. Her email proves she in exactly the same place she was two years ago. Her so-called proofs that she is changed actually prove to me she is utterly unchanged. She is also playing games in her email. I want to call her on it really badly.

So, off I go to spend some considerable mental horse power deciding for sure whether I'll write...and if I do...what I'll say. That reminds me of one other reason to write. I start composing in my head and there is no stopping it until I get it out in writing and I say it just the way I think I need to say it. Only then can I stop the infernal persecution of composing at 4:00 a.m. when I would rather be sleeping. My private analysis of my sister's non-apology letter that I wrote in the week following my buh-bye letter to her was done for this reason. I never sent that analysis to her. Just getting it down in writing silenced the composer in me.

Anyway. Wish me luck.

I'm in Cogitating Mode

I have been mulling over at least a couple topics to blog on over the last week. Haven't gotten to the point of putting the words down. Now I've been subjected to a mind flush. What happened? Late last night I checked my email just before heading off to bed and found a most unwelcome sight. An email from my sister.

Good grief.

She sends it on the eve of Mother's Day and doesn't even acknowledge that fact. It was a missive that shows she is still all wrapped up in herself. Thankfully, the effect of her email on me was minimal in terms of emotions. I read it...rolled my eyes multiple times...and went to bed. She didn't even disturb my sleep. A good sign. But, nevertheless, I have to decide where to go from here. Hence, the mind flush.

I will likely be posting her email here so ya'll can see it for yourself. Of course, it will not mean much to you if you haven't read my past posts on "My Sister". There are 23 posts under that label. If there is one post that best encapsulates my relationship with my sister ... especially as an adult... it is this one titled, "Are We Required to Keep a Sibling in Our Lives?" At the very least, you'll need to read that post to begin to "get" my sister's latest attempt to shoehorn herself back into my life.

I'm going off to enjoy Mother's Day by not thinking about my sister any more. She doesn't deserve my energies on this day. Best wishes to all of you out there who are loving mothers. I hope you find quiet joy and contentment with all the blessings being a good mother affords.

Stay tuned.

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Anna's List of Fav Butt-Kicking Movies--Buyer Beware

I was asked in the comments of the last post for a list of kick-ass movies as a potential source of self-help therapy for those days you want to see a bad guy get hammered. I'll put a caveat emptor here. Everybody, do your own research on a movie. Imdb.com is a good place to do that. It's your own damn fault if you watch a movie and don't like it. Not mine. So don't complain to me if you end up watching something I recommend and you hate it. I'll try to warn ya on movies I think some may not appreciate as much as I do. I have a few twisted tastes in movies...so I'll try to keep that in mind. I'm making this a post since it is easier to put in links...and I can edit to correct errors if necessary.

It seems that the list of movies I've come up with fall into at least three different categories. (1) is the serious butt-kicking flick where the 'bad guy' gets it good usually after a lot of bullets, bombs and stuff blowing up. (2) the 'bad guy gets his comeuppance' movies which usually features less action but the bad guy definitely doesn't win in the end. The bad guy may not die, but definitely he loses what he was after. (3) a combination of one of the two themes above with a goodly dose of humor. I'm going to put a "1", "2", and/or "3" depending on what category I think a particular movie falls into. Here we go:

True Lies (1 & 3)
The Incredibles (1 & 3)
Princess Bride (2 & 3)
The Mummy (1 & 3)
The Mummy Returns (1 & 3)
Stardust (2 & 3)
Jesse Stone movies (2)
Ever After (2)
Spiderman 1 and 2 (1 & 3)
Batman Begins(1)
Alien (1)
Aliens (1)
Alien 4 (1 & 3)
Man in the Iron Mask (2)
Count of Monte Cristo (2)
Mask of Zorro (1 & 2)
Speed (1 & 2)
Underworld (1)
Moll Flanders (2)
300 (1)
Bourne Identity and Supremacy (1)
24 TV series (1)

If you don't like violence then you probably shouldn't watch anything with a (1). If you don't like sci-fi with scary monsters then stay away from Alien series of movies. I like all the Alien movies of which there are four. But I think the best ones are the second and the fourth. There was quite a bit of humor in the fourth one, but that doesn't mean there wasn't lots of gross alien stuff and some gore. Joss Whedon helped write the script for the fourth movie and his humor was definitely there. Speaking of Joss Whedon reminds me of the tragedy known as the series "Firefly". That series was canceled after only one season and this is a crime. If you haven't seen the series, if you can conceptualize a sci-fi series with a western type feel to it (gotta see it to appreciate it), if you like very witty and humorous and smart writing and a uniquely told story...then watch the series. Lots and lots of bad guys getting their butts kicked. If you watch the series and LOVE it...which you will...then watch the movie Serenity. The movie wraps up the TV series. It pulls together some of the dangling strings left after the end of the TV series and you'll like it just as much as the series...if you liked the series. Husband just reminded me to tell you that the cast includes a high-class call girl. If this offends you, stay away. My husband is also freaking me out about recommending any of the Alien movies. Especially the fourth one. He agrees with me that, by far, the best of the series is the second one. The fourth one is a really iffy recommendation. The final half hour of the fourth one could be very disturbing for some. I became a fan of the movies after watching the second one back when it came out in 1986. So, in my more 'formative' years I formed a deep attachment to "Ellen Ripley". She kicks alien butt. So, naturally, I enjoy all the movies in the series. Including the fourth with its kinda gross and disturbing final scenes. Please, don't watch it if you are at all delicate in your movie tastes.

Underworld features vampires and werewolves. If you don't like creepy, scary creature effects and can't tolerate some gore then stay away. Not for everybody. The Mummy and The Mummy Returns also has some gross effects and/or scary effects. They are kind of campy movies, but high quality and lots of humor. 300 has a lot of violence, and there are three sensual scenes. You've been warned. There is featured a bigger-than-life narcissist who definitely loses in the end. The King of Persia. "Moll Flanders" is about a prostitute. So, yeah, there are some sensual scenes. There is another version of "Moll Flanders" that follows the book more closely, but it is a downer in the end (like the book). So I like the more Hollywood version where the main character ends well which is the one linked to above. I like happy endings. Who cares about the book. When someone rewrites fiction and makes it better I never complain.

The "24" TV series is not for you if you can't handle an occasional terrorist getting tortured. Jack Bauer is on a very tight schedule and if a terrorist ends up in his hands and Bauer is trying to save the world, well, the terrorist may get a bit roughed up. That totally works for me. Bad guys are very dispensable in my world view. Tough shit evil terrorist.

I only recently discovered the made-for-TV movies with Tom Selleck as the main character "Jesse Stone" based on the novels by Robert B. Parker. The first one is "Stone Cold". Selleck's character is a flawed but good man who has a knack for getting the sneaky bad guys. The movies are beautifully set in Maine. Made for TV but theater quality. There is some sensuality in some of these...but only a little.

There, now that I've told you more about myself than I really like to by my movie recommendations, hope you can find something you like on the list. Remember, butt-kicking movies means there is going to be violence throughout. If you can't handle violence then you aren't really into "butt-kicking" movies. Take responsibility for preserving your own sensibilities. There is no accounting for "taste", as they say, so just cuz you like my blog doesn't mean you'll like all the movies I do.

Speaking of movie tastes...I watched a movie based on a radio talk show host's recommendation last year. This host had recommended movies and TV series before that I have really liked. I watched this particular movie with growing horror. (It is so bad I don't even want to admit I've seen it and therefore am not naming it.) I absolutely, totally and completely hated and reviled the movie! I was shocked and annoyed because I couldn't come up with one redeeming feature of the movie. There was a definite disconnect between this host's tastes and mine on that one. Good grief. It took me about two weeks to not feel annoyed at this host for such a crappy recommendation. This person didn't even warn that some might not like the movie or name any of its objectionable themes. Which is why I'm trying to give you some idea of what the movies are about so you can avoid the ones that might offend you. I feel I'm taking a real risk offending people by recommending movies that I think have some interesting, redeeming or satisfying aspects...cuz you may see it very differently. By the way, it was my own damn fault in the end. I should have done more research instead of going solely by this person's recommendation. I truly was mostly annoyed at myself.

The over-arching and unifying theme of most of these movies is justice. Like many of you, I've seen precious little real justice dished out to the 'bad guys' in my life. That is usually the way of life. So, I like seeing the baddies going down...and going down hard...in movies. It satisfies a part of my mind that dearly desires justice. If not pure justice, then at least the decent folks getting some kind of justice. If not that, then at least escaping the predations of the bad guys. It is very American to want justice...so I'm sure it is a cultural thing too.

Sheesh. I'm getting carried away trying to protect ya'll from my movie opinions. I'll stop now. You're all grown-ups. You'll probably survive my movie picks. Holding my breath and crossing my fingers I'll hit the publish button. eeeeekkkkk!

P.S. If you've seen any of the movies I've listed and loved or hated them, feel free to write your reviews for the benefit of others. Just, please, be kind to your friendly blogger in the process. I feel like I'm putting myself out there and ain't anxious to get my necked chopped at. T'wouldn't be nice since I'm only trying to give the peeps what they've asked fer!!

[Icon is Mal from "Firefly"]