As I have reflected on history with my narcissistic mother I have been able to see clear indications of her awareness of her crimes against me. I suspect you've seen the same indications with your own narcissist. I'll name a couple of them:
1) All my life she has hated my friends. I know now it is because they have always been a threat to her control of my mind. She made it clear to me, starting when I was very young, that I was not allowed to speak of the things that went on in our house. It was none of anyone's business, she would say. It was repeated often that talking about her or our family life was wrong, disloyal, bad. (Even though she freely gossips to whoever about immediate family members when it suits her.) Despite the ongoing propaganda she was never sure whether or not I was sharing things with my friends; she always imagined signs that they didn't like her and how that was directly my fault. It is likely you've also seen this paranoia and active campaign against any and all of your friendships.
Proof one: Her need to hide facts is a sign of someone who knows on some level that their behavior is wrong. On some level narcissists know that they are abusing, using and hurting you.
2) Another thing is that she lies, covers up and minimizes her bad actions of past and present. When someone lies then you have direct proof that they know the truth. If she didn't know that her behaviors were bad then she'd have no need to lie about them. The rages, the martyr act, the helpless act, the many and varied manipulations are all ways that the N are trying to control your perceptions of them. They are trying to control your mind so you will reflect back to them how they want to see themselves. It is all deception. Varied forms of it. The use of deception in any and all its forms is proof of an awareness of truth.
So, does this awareness of theirs indicate they are evil? Some say yes....some say no. I say, yes. More on that next time.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
You've Been Brainwashed....Part Two
The Narcissist is like a cult leader...
My Nmother is a somatic narcissist i.e. obsessed with her beauty and/or sexuality. "Stunningly beautiful" is what most would call her for many decades of her life. But, alas, age will eventually make its mark no matter how successfully you've heretofore escaped its ravages. As my Nmother reached her sixth decade she needed a new gig. It was harder....well, damn near impossible, to convince herself that she was the most beautiful woman in whatever room she was standing in anymore. Her grandiosity bubble of being the Belle of the Ball was threatening to explode on her. Enter: the religious narcissist. If she can't be the most beautiful, she will be the most "spiritual". (Although, she still thinks she's gorgeous.) She will define what "spiritual" means in such as way that only she can stand at the pinnacle of achievement. She alone sits on the right hand of God, He speaks to her personally. About you and your failings. She is so "good" she would probably try to judge God Himself.
The next thing a highly "spiritual" narcissist needs is a following. Through her charisma and convincing aura of authority she was able to form what can only be described as a cult. She was the leader....the unquestioned leader (no questions allowed!). Cult members were hand-chosen by her. They were expected to be mere supplicants to her great wisdom. They must submit to her definitions of them. They must hang on her every word. They must listen to her shifting definitions of morality and incorporate them into every day life. Of course, what is right one day is wrong the next which is very unbalancing to your mind and keeps the narcissist in control. Hers is the voice of the Holy Spirit....to not act like you believe that to be true will result in harsh penalties. She took up more and more control of their everyday lives.
At this point in time I was not in her "cult". I had distanced myself from her considerably, both emotionally and geographically, before she overtly took on the mantle of spiritual leader. In fact, it was the first donning of her "spiritual" clothes that pushed me further away from her before the final break. It was a heightening of hypocrisy that was completely loathsome to me since I knew what an evil person she still was. I knew she was a laughable farce. At the time I didn't realize how far she was going to go with her new spiritual gig.
A couple years after she formed her cult following, I was able to start observing from a distance what she was doing inside of her cult. Unbeknownst to her I had infiltrated her secretive cult. One of the "members" was starting to question the craziness and was willing to confide in me. This person was a relative of mine. A female cousin. (This cousin confirmed my suspicion that she was being groomed as my replacement. My Nmother felt she deserved a "dutiful" daughter which I no longer was.) My cousin seemed the perfect substitute. Sweet, compliant, prone to question herself (not others). Set up for full exploitation by my Nmother, her aunt. As my cousin confided more and more what was happening in the "cult" I was given absolute confirmation of my Nmother's instinctive use of mind-control techniques. She was always good at these methods, but the added force of religious power gave even more effectiveness to her megalomanical control techniques. Nothing like claiming power over another person's soul to increase the level of control exponentially. One might call it the ultimate in power grabs.
I have observed that all narcissists have an instinctive understanding of how to brainwash. Among the many techniques of mind control (for brevity's sake, not listed here), narcissists forbid their "cult members" from talking to anyone outside the "cult". Narcissists forbid "cult members" from talking about the N leader to each other...unless, of course, to express adulation and worship. Those rules are specifically made to prevent anyone from seeing the grotesque system that has its fingers around their throats. A systematic campaign of slander by the narcissist divides the "members" from each other. These tactics keep you from getting free and will hamper your attempts at freedom if you can't silence the narcissist's voice in your head and proceed with talking with someone about what you've gone through. Just substitute the word "family" or "parent" for "cult leader" and the picture is the same. In order to escape, you will have to get brave enough to break these rules (and ignore the narcissist who is raging in your head, if not in your face, saying you are betraying them, you are ungrateful, disloyal, and a loathsome worm for doing it). Just like a cult member, the fastest track to breaking the control of the system you are in is to make a clean break. Even if it is for just a period of time. That time can allow a person to gain enough strength so a future contact with their "cult leader" won't be as likely to suck them back into the cult.
All the various effects of brain-washing are the most profound in those raised by narcissists. There are many aspects to dealing with a narcissist that normal people just won't tolerate. But if you've been taught from your earliest moments in the N-system, then you put up with a lot more crap than most will. This is what set up my cousin for exploitation. She was raised by a narcissist mother herself. Her thinking was clouded by the N-imposed reality of her youth. She was rich supply for any narcissist who came along.
If you were raised by a narcissist, you will tend to find yourself trapped in a succession of relationships with narcissists because you seem to be a "magnet" for them. The truth is this: everyone bumps into narcissists in the course of life. The difference between you and the other person is that you have been taught to discount your own experience in favor of the reality-revision of another person. You have been trained to deny what your own eyes and ears tell you in favor of whatever the narcissist says happened. A non-ACON bumps into a narcissist and is quickly put-off by the narcissist's chronic lying, revisionism, and self-centeredness. Something just seems "off" to them and they walk away before the narcissist can do any damage. You, on the other hand, have a sense of familiarity with the narcissist. You've been here before. Maybe it'll go better this time around. If you work hard enough, if you just love them enough, maybe you can (unconsciously) prove that the original narcissist in your life would finally love you back. Without realizing it, you try to revise your history with your Nparent by a succession of relationships with other narcissists. It always ends badly. It always will. You've been brain-washed to believe the problem is you. No, the problem is the narcissist. Your only problem is that you tolerate them. You must de-program yourself before you find yourself once again trying to dance with a narcissist.
I am convinced that the most under-recognized and most abused group by narcissists is their own children. The abuse doesn't stop in childhood, either. Most, if not all, ACONs have to deal with abuse for as long as the parent lives. The evil of narcissism is alive and well and it feeds regularly on the flesh and blood of its children.
Your survival will often require a complete cut-off from the narcissist parent. This can be very difficult to do because you'll have to endure the added condemnation of a society that tends to think there is never a good enough reason to divorce a parent. Maintain discretion. Don't talk about your evil parent to anyone who'll listen. Give minimal answers to direct questions. It's no one else's business.
In order to de-program you will need to break one of the fundamental rules of the cult leader....start talking to others! Not just anybody, though. You need to find others who have been where you are. Those people probably won't be other family members. (But if there is a family member who has cut themselves off from your family it is likely they have come to see the dysfunction and chosen to not participate. They may or may not be willing to talk.) Normal people most likely will not understand that the face of evil sometimes looks like a mom or a dad. So they may end up giving you very unhelpful advice. No, unburden yourself with those who have themselves grappled with the narcissistic family system. There are many groups out there on the internet as well as helpful books. Access them. The next step after you've gained the moral strength is to extricate yourself from the cult. Do whatever is necessary to escape the trap. Chew off your leg if need be. You can't gain perspective very readily while you're emmeshed in the narcissist's version of reality which they constantly impose in every interaction with them.
A very helpful and supportive group for ACONs can be found at:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/
The archives are extensive and probably cover nearly every aspect of your experience.
My Nmother is a somatic narcissist i.e. obsessed with her beauty and/or sexuality. "Stunningly beautiful" is what most would call her for many decades of her life. But, alas, age will eventually make its mark no matter how successfully you've heretofore escaped its ravages. As my Nmother reached her sixth decade she needed a new gig. It was harder....well, damn near impossible, to convince herself that she was the most beautiful woman in whatever room she was standing in anymore. Her grandiosity bubble of being the Belle of the Ball was threatening to explode on her. Enter: the religious narcissist. If she can't be the most beautiful, she will be the most "spiritual". (Although, she still thinks she's gorgeous.) She will define what "spiritual" means in such as way that only she can stand at the pinnacle of achievement. She alone sits on the right hand of God, He speaks to her personally. About you and your failings. She is so "good" she would probably try to judge God Himself.
The next thing a highly "spiritual" narcissist needs is a following. Through her charisma and convincing aura of authority she was able to form what can only be described as a cult. She was the leader....the unquestioned leader (no questions allowed!). Cult members were hand-chosen by her. They were expected to be mere supplicants to her great wisdom. They must submit to her definitions of them. They must hang on her every word. They must listen to her shifting definitions of morality and incorporate them into every day life. Of course, what is right one day is wrong the next which is very unbalancing to your mind and keeps the narcissist in control. Hers is the voice of the Holy Spirit....to not act like you believe that to be true will result in harsh penalties. She took up more and more control of their everyday lives.
At this point in time I was not in her "cult". I had distanced myself from her considerably, both emotionally and geographically, before she overtly took on the mantle of spiritual leader. In fact, it was the first donning of her "spiritual" clothes that pushed me further away from her before the final break. It was a heightening of hypocrisy that was completely loathsome to me since I knew what an evil person she still was. I knew she was a laughable farce. At the time I didn't realize how far she was going to go with her new spiritual gig.
A couple years after she formed her cult following, I was able to start observing from a distance what she was doing inside of her cult. Unbeknownst to her I had infiltrated her secretive cult. One of the "members" was starting to question the craziness and was willing to confide in me. This person was a relative of mine. A female cousin. (This cousin confirmed my suspicion that she was being groomed as my replacement. My Nmother felt she deserved a "dutiful" daughter which I no longer was.) My cousin seemed the perfect substitute. Sweet, compliant, prone to question herself (not others). Set up for full exploitation by my Nmother, her aunt. As my cousin confided more and more what was happening in the "cult" I was given absolute confirmation of my Nmother's instinctive use of mind-control techniques. She was always good at these methods, but the added force of religious power gave even more effectiveness to her megalomanical control techniques. Nothing like claiming power over another person's soul to increase the level of control exponentially. One might call it the ultimate in power grabs.
I have observed that all narcissists have an instinctive understanding of how to brainwash. Among the many techniques of mind control (for brevity's sake, not listed here), narcissists forbid their "cult members" from talking to anyone outside the "cult". Narcissists forbid "cult members" from talking about the N leader to each other...unless, of course, to express adulation and worship. Those rules are specifically made to prevent anyone from seeing the grotesque system that has its fingers around their throats. A systematic campaign of slander by the narcissist divides the "members" from each other. These tactics keep you from getting free and will hamper your attempts at freedom if you can't silence the narcissist's voice in your head and proceed with talking with someone about what you've gone through. Just substitute the word "family" or "parent" for "cult leader" and the picture is the same. In order to escape, you will have to get brave enough to break these rules (and ignore the narcissist who is raging in your head, if not in your face, saying you are betraying them, you are ungrateful, disloyal, and a loathsome worm for doing it). Just like a cult member, the fastest track to breaking the control of the system you are in is to make a clean break. Even if it is for just a period of time. That time can allow a person to gain enough strength so a future contact with their "cult leader" won't be as likely to suck them back into the cult.
All the various effects of brain-washing are the most profound in those raised by narcissists. There are many aspects to dealing with a narcissist that normal people just won't tolerate. But if you've been taught from your earliest moments in the N-system, then you put up with a lot more crap than most will. This is what set up my cousin for exploitation. She was raised by a narcissist mother herself. Her thinking was clouded by the N-imposed reality of her youth. She was rich supply for any narcissist who came along.
If you were raised by a narcissist, you will tend to find yourself trapped in a succession of relationships with narcissists because you seem to be a "magnet" for them. The truth is this: everyone bumps into narcissists in the course of life. The difference between you and the other person is that you have been taught to discount your own experience in favor of the reality-revision of another person. You have been trained to deny what your own eyes and ears tell you in favor of whatever the narcissist says happened. A non-ACON bumps into a narcissist and is quickly put-off by the narcissist's chronic lying, revisionism, and self-centeredness. Something just seems "off" to them and they walk away before the narcissist can do any damage. You, on the other hand, have a sense of familiarity with the narcissist. You've been here before. Maybe it'll go better this time around. If you work hard enough, if you just love them enough, maybe you can (unconsciously) prove that the original narcissist in your life would finally love you back. Without realizing it, you try to revise your history with your Nparent by a succession of relationships with other narcissists. It always ends badly. It always will. You've been brain-washed to believe the problem is you. No, the problem is the narcissist. Your only problem is that you tolerate them. You must de-program yourself before you find yourself once again trying to dance with a narcissist.
I am convinced that the most under-recognized and most abused group by narcissists is their own children. The abuse doesn't stop in childhood, either. Most, if not all, ACONs have to deal with abuse for as long as the parent lives. The evil of narcissism is alive and well and it feeds regularly on the flesh and blood of its children.
Your survival will often require a complete cut-off from the narcissist parent. This can be very difficult to do because you'll have to endure the added condemnation of a society that tends to think there is never a good enough reason to divorce a parent. Maintain discretion. Don't talk about your evil parent to anyone who'll listen. Give minimal answers to direct questions. It's no one else's business.
In order to de-program you will need to break one of the fundamental rules of the cult leader....start talking to others! Not just anybody, though. You need to find others who have been where you are. Those people probably won't be other family members. (But if there is a family member who has cut themselves off from your family it is likely they have come to see the dysfunction and chosen to not participate. They may or may not be willing to talk.) Normal people most likely will not understand that the face of evil sometimes looks like a mom or a dad. So they may end up giving you very unhelpful advice. No, unburden yourself with those who have themselves grappled with the narcissistic family system. There are many groups out there on the internet as well as helpful books. Access them. The next step after you've gained the moral strength is to extricate yourself from the cult. Do whatever is necessary to escape the trap. Chew off your leg if need be. You can't gain perspective very readily while you're emmeshed in the narcissist's version of reality which they constantly impose in every interaction with them.
A very helpful and supportive group for ACONs can be found at:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/
The archives are extensive and probably cover nearly every aspect of your experience.
Monday, August 14, 2006
You've Been Brainwashed by the Narcissist
Part One
There are many who've been caught in the vortex of a narcissist who come out the other side saying they felt like they had been brainwashed. I came to define it the same way myself a few years ago. The book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain you Dry" by Albert J. Bernstein calls it hypnosis. His case is convincing. He is also very helpful because he takes all the mystery out of the concept of hypnosis and enables you to understand how and why it works as well as what is in you that makes you susceptible to it. Get the book. Amazon sells it for around $10.
I was raised by a malignant narcissist who also happened to be my mother. Through the long and laborious process of growing up under the burden of misinformation and reality-bending forces imposed on me by her, I finally started to realize what I was dealing with (as I started pushing forty years old) and ultimately to escape (at age 43). I issued my narcissistic mother notice that I was "divorcing" her back in May of 2005.
Because I was emotionally and geographically estranged from her I had a different perspective as I observed my Nmother's antics in her dealings with others whom she had gained a grasp on (after her control of me had seriously waned). I started to see in her methods what I suspicioned could be classified as brainwashing techniques. I started reading up on the subject by doing some Google searches online. My hunch was completely confirmed. Note that I couldn't see the brainwashing when I was the recipient. It is only by looking back that I can see it in my own experience.
Note this quote from a 1956 document from the CIA about Communist brainwashing methods (available at http://pw1.netcom.com/~ncoic/brainwsh.htm) :
"The brainwashed victim does not consciously change his value-system; rather the change occurs despite his efforts. He is no more responsible for this change than is an individual who "snaps" and becomes psychotic. And like the psychotic, the prisoner is not even aware of the transition."
I highly recommend you seriously consider this concept of brainwashing especially if you had a narcissist for a parent. It isn't your fault you were brainwashed. You had no idea what was happening, but to escape the narcissist you will have to de-program yourself. More on that in the next post.
There are many who've been caught in the vortex of a narcissist who come out the other side saying they felt like they had been brainwashed. I came to define it the same way myself a few years ago. The book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain you Dry" by Albert J. Bernstein calls it hypnosis. His case is convincing. He is also very helpful because he takes all the mystery out of the concept of hypnosis and enables you to understand how and why it works as well as what is in you that makes you susceptible to it. Get the book. Amazon sells it for around $10.
I was raised by a malignant narcissist who also happened to be my mother. Through the long and laborious process of growing up under the burden of misinformation and reality-bending forces imposed on me by her, I finally started to realize what I was dealing with (as I started pushing forty years old) and ultimately to escape (at age 43). I issued my narcissistic mother notice that I was "divorcing" her back in May of 2005.
Because I was emotionally and geographically estranged from her I had a different perspective as I observed my Nmother's antics in her dealings with others whom she had gained a grasp on (after her control of me had seriously waned). I started to see in her methods what I suspicioned could be classified as brainwashing techniques. I started reading up on the subject by doing some Google searches online. My hunch was completely confirmed. Note that I couldn't see the brainwashing when I was the recipient. It is only by looking back that I can see it in my own experience.
Note this quote from a 1956 document from the CIA about Communist brainwashing methods (available at http://pw1.netcom.com/~ncoic/brainwsh.htm) :
"The brainwashed victim does not consciously change his value-system; rather the change occurs despite his efforts. He is no more responsible for this change than is an individual who "snaps" and becomes psychotic. And like the psychotic, the prisoner is not even aware of the transition."
I highly recommend you seriously consider this concept of brainwashing especially if you had a narcissist for a parent. It isn't your fault you were brainwashed. You had no idea what was happening, but to escape the narcissist you will have to de-program yourself. More on that in the next post.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Disclaimer on use of gender terminology in this blog
Many times I refer to the narcissist using the male gender. This is not a reflection of a belief that all, or even most, narcissists are male. In fact, I believe that there are as many female narcissists as male. The female narcissists often slip under the radar because their methodology is of the more subtle variety as a general rule. If I were to go by my personal experience alone I would tend to feel like there are more female than male narcissists because most of my entanglements with narcissists have been of the female variety.
Please don't assume I have a mind-set that is predisposed to thinking of the narcissist in terms of maleness. The gender terms are completely interchangable in my mind. As you read, please, insert whatever gender term you want to....my comments apply to either one. My comments also apply to any and all narcissists whether they be lover, co-worker, child or a parent.
Please don't assume I have a mind-set that is predisposed to thinking of the narcissist in terms of maleness. The gender terms are completely interchangable in my mind. As you read, please, insert whatever gender term you want to....my comments apply to either one. My comments also apply to any and all narcissists whether they be lover, co-worker, child or a parent.
You are the same as the chair you're sitting on to the Narcissist
i.e. the only humanity the N recognizes is his own
Picture the narcissist who is preening and posing in the mirror you hold up to him. Does he see you? No more than you notice a mirror as you're checking out your own reflection. Does this explain to you why he knows so little about you? Why some of the most obvious things about you seem to be missed by him? He doesn't see you....he only sees his reflection in your face. The reflection is what he is playing to. Do you imagine that the narcissist loves you? He doesn't even see you, how can he love you? You are what he decides you are. Nothing more.
Give up any delusions you may have on this. The narcissist doesn't love you. The narcissist can't love you. He has no love or regard or compassion to spare. He only spends it on himself. The narcissist is the center of all things in their perverted little minds. This makes the narcissist above everyone else. They are gods of their own making.
To really get a sense for how the narcissist perceives you, you will need to picture a tool. Let's say a hammer. The hammer has no will of its own. The hammer's value is in how it serves you. When you pick up the hammer it is like an extension of your hand. We are able to use it without regard for how it must feel when we whack a nail with it. Of course, because it has no feelings. We don't have to think about the hammer, we simply use it to our own ends and then set it down and walk away when it has performed the function we wanted it for.
You are that hammer to the narcissist. All of us are merely tools made for their use. Extensions of themselves. We are like a table or chair or bookcase or toilet paper. The narcissist will become enraged if such inanimate tools decide to sprout a mind of their own and not perform and conform perfectly to their will. It is perceived as an attack! The default setting in the mind of the narcissist toward the rest of humanity is that we are not worth anything except as they imbue value in us. Then we are worth something, but only as much as the narcissist decides. We can be completely devalued in a moment and thrown out with the rest of the garbage.
Is it any wonder why you have spent so much time feeling devalued? Have you found yourself wondering if you even have the right to exist? The narcissist has been treating you like a tool and on some level you know it. You stay in the relationship because you remember how good it felt in the beginning. All your efforts have been to get back to that feeling. Those early days when the narcissist made you feel like a million bucks. The good moments with the narcissist are harder and harder to come by. Honey, welcome to the rest of your life if you choose to stay where you are.
Quit being a tool and dump the creep.
Picture the narcissist who is preening and posing in the mirror you hold up to him. Does he see you? No more than you notice a mirror as you're checking out your own reflection. Does this explain to you why he knows so little about you? Why some of the most obvious things about you seem to be missed by him? He doesn't see you....he only sees his reflection in your face. The reflection is what he is playing to. Do you imagine that the narcissist loves you? He doesn't even see you, how can he love you? You are what he decides you are. Nothing more.
Give up any delusions you may have on this. The narcissist doesn't love you. The narcissist can't love you. He has no love or regard or compassion to spare. He only spends it on himself. The narcissist is the center of all things in their perverted little minds. This makes the narcissist above everyone else. They are gods of their own making.
To really get a sense for how the narcissist perceives you, you will need to picture a tool. Let's say a hammer. The hammer has no will of its own. The hammer's value is in how it serves you. When you pick up the hammer it is like an extension of your hand. We are able to use it without regard for how it must feel when we whack a nail with it. Of course, because it has no feelings. We don't have to think about the hammer, we simply use it to our own ends and then set it down and walk away when it has performed the function we wanted it for.
You are that hammer to the narcissist. All of us are merely tools made for their use. Extensions of themselves. We are like a table or chair or bookcase or toilet paper. The narcissist will become enraged if such inanimate tools decide to sprout a mind of their own and not perform and conform perfectly to their will. It is perceived as an attack! The default setting in the mind of the narcissist toward the rest of humanity is that we are not worth anything except as they imbue value in us. Then we are worth something, but only as much as the narcissist decides. We can be completely devalued in a moment and thrown out with the rest of the garbage.
Is it any wonder why you have spent so much time feeling devalued? Have you found yourself wondering if you even have the right to exist? The narcissist has been treating you like a tool and on some level you know it. You stay in the relationship because you remember how good it felt in the beginning. All your efforts have been to get back to that feeling. Those early days when the narcissist made you feel like a million bucks. The good moments with the narcissist are harder and harder to come by. Honey, welcome to the rest of your life if you choose to stay where you are.
Quit being a tool and dump the creep.
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