From Kathy Krajco's blog:
Perhaps the strangest thing about narcissistic abuse is the almost universal decision of the victim to put up with it. This is something other people cannot get their minds around. And it is one reason why they withhold sympathy from the victim, blowing off severe psychological abuse and mental cruelty as mere annoyance.
But there are many understandable reasons why the victim puts up with it. All people need do is think a little to understand.
I know that many of you who read here also read at Kathy's most excellent blog, but just in case you missed this one I am pointing you in the direction of this post. She captures the fundamental reasons why children of narcissists are especially vulnerable to putting up with the crap that narcissists dish up. She does this without pathologizing the victim. God bless ya, Kathy.
From Kathy's post:
ReplyDelete"In any case this test is always a test to see if the narcissist slams into the brick wall of a backbone. If he does, he flies away like a bee that has just discovered there's no nectar in that flower."
It seems when you grow up with a narcissistic mother, they de-bone you like a fish.
It took me a long, long time to develop a backbone. This blog,
Anna, helped me to do so.
Once you develop a backbone, you begin to see that the n is really like the Wizard of Oz. A cowardly creature hiding behind the curtain, desperately manueuvering all the levers to give the appearance of being all powerful. Once you pull the curtain back and see how pathetic and fearful they actually are when they are exposed, you wonder what you were ever so afraid of.
Relieved your blog is still here, Anna! I recently re-read some of your posts, and I also recently read "What Makes Narcissists Tick." All I can say is wow, what a Godsend. I hope Ms. Krajco is resting in ever-loving peace.
ReplyDeleteI think there's another reason why some of us ACONs, me included, are targets for a new narc in our lives: The MN parent/mother didn't raise us with a healthy sense of right and wrong in the first place. So, even in childhood when I learned right from wrong somehow, I had it literally beaten out of me so much that I relive that trauma in adulthood when I dare defy a current narc demanding me to sell myself to the devil of keeping the peace. So, I simultaneously experience that internal knowledge of right from wrong battling it out with my dreaded fear of being physically struck or screamed at/humiliated. Yet, I am also so angry at being cornered yet again into doing the bidding of the evil narc, so all of this adds up to me being a panicky mess. I start violently shaking, my face and neck turn red, I can't even steady my hand to write properly - you should see my handwriting in one of these moments - my heart starts beating so hard I can actually see it thudding in my chest, and my voice quivers. It's an awful experience, so humiliating, and I know people have got to think I'm crazy. I even avoided working for three years because of it. I now have a job that greatly reduces the risk of such interactions. Well, that is until a covert narc coworker recently became evident to me, I realized how I was modifying my behavior to appease her, and I stopped giving in to her and PRESTO! I suddenly became a favored target of hers.
I actually fought back against the work narc in question recently by complaining to my chain of command, and while I got the feedback I was hoping for, since no one is surprised and most people just pretend to get along with her, work has been very stressful lately. Thankfully, I'm going on a long winter vacation and won't have to deal for a while. And better than that, I've cut all the narcs out of my life that I can, like evil "friends" and family. And I've finally got the space and peace to work on my own faults, which are many.
May we all have peaceful, joyous holidays with no drama. I am grateful to every one of you for sharing your stories, and I'm grateful to your hard work exposing the narcs and empowering their victims, Anna.