More on the Diversion Game

I received an email from a reader of my blog after yesterday's post. She has come up with a great list of opposites as further examples of the distraction of labels that narcissists use. With her permission here is the list:

Generous - but she was very stingy with gifts and her time.
Helpful - not around when my sister and I gave birth to any of her grandchildren.
Sincere - will smile to your face, then loves to gossip and make fun about what you said, did after you leave.
Loyal - but she will cut you off and sever all contact as soon as you offend her in anyway.
Loving - refuses to have any contact with her grandchildren.
Truthful - denies ever saying things that hurt people, lies about events and what took place and what people said, lies about being able to see her grandchildren.
Humble - refuses to ever say she is sorry to anyone, has pathological pride.
Respectful - yet hurls venomous insults that strip you of your self esteem (I have been called selfish, greedy, rich b*tch, demon possessed, liar, evil, backstabber, etc.
Longsuffering - easily offended at any insult real or imagined. Forgiving - harbors grudges and gives silent treatment for months and years on end, will never let you forget a trespass against her.

These are some good examples of the naming game of opposites that narcissists play in order to throw us off their scent trail. Another one this reader named was "gracious", but I couldn't show her example because it contained identifying facts about her. So I'll share my own experience.

"Gracious" was a word my mother became enamored of using very frequently in the last ten years or so. She would point out to various female family members that she herself is "very gracious". "Watch how I deal with people when we go shopping. See how gracious I am with them..." Direct quote. She had no idea what a silly fool she was actually making herself into. She treated the clerks and salespeople like she was the Queen of England who was feeling magnanimous toward her subjects that day and deigning to treat them like part of the royal family. I remember bemused looks on their faces, and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I was embarrassed to be associated with Her Grace. My daughter, sister and cousin were all subjected to these lessons of observation of Her Grace at various times. None of us found the irony lost on us. This woman, who took extreme pride in her ability to be "gracious" to total strangers, would treat her family members most ungraciously. Especially when she was a guest in our homes. None of us have had a more ungracious guest than my mother. She is petulant, demanding, unthankful, and just plain rude. Those are her good behaviors.

Every single adjective above I have heard my own mother appropriate to herself. I am pretty sure you could recognize most if not all of them as false descriptors your own narcissist has used to describe themselves to you or others. Another name for this game is hypocrisy. Narcissists live, breathe and are hypocrites. Every word and deed is an exercise in hypocrisy. Don't let a hypocrite become your moral arbiter. When they point and scream at something you're doing or not doing consider it the ravings of a lunatic or, at best, a spoiled five year old. Let yourself know they are lying hypocrites and see how foolish it is to let them instruct you on some moral point. They are amoral and vile. They do not believe in these virtues. They pretend to believe them in order to gain the upper hand.

Dictionary definition of hypocrite:

"One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises."