i.e. the only humanity the N recognizes is his own
Picture the narcissist who is preening and posing in the mirror you hold up to him. Does he see you? No more than you notice a mirror as you're checking out your own reflection. Does this explain to you why he knows so little about you? Why some of the most obvious things about you seem to be missed by him? He doesn't see you....he only sees his reflection in your face. The reflection is what he is playing to. Do you imagine that the narcissist loves you? He doesn't even see you, how can he love you? You are what he decides you are. Nothing more.
Give up any delusions you may have on this. The narcissist doesn't love you. The narcissist can't love you. He has no love or regard or compassion to spare. He only spends it on himself. The narcissist is the center of all things in their perverted little minds. This makes the narcissist above everyone else. They are gods of their own making.
To really get a sense for how the narcissist perceives you, you will need to picture a tool. Let's say a hammer. The hammer has no will of its own. The hammer's value is in how it serves you. When you pick up the hammer it is like an extension of your hand. We are able to use it without regard for how it must feel when we whack a nail with it. Of course, because it has no feelings. We don't have to think about the hammer, we simply use it to our own ends and then set it down and walk away when it has performed the function we wanted it for.
You are that hammer to the narcissist. All of us are merely tools made for their use. Extensions of themselves. We are like a table or chair or bookcase or toilet paper. The narcissist will become enraged if such inanimate tools decide to sprout a mind of their own and not perform and conform perfectly to their will. It is perceived as an attack! The default setting in the mind of the narcissist toward the rest of humanity is that we are not worth anything except as they imbue value in us. Then we are worth something, but only as much as the narcissist decides. We can be completely devalued in a moment and thrown out with the rest of the garbage.
Is it any wonder why you have spent so much time feeling devalued? Have you found yourself wondering if you even have the right to exist? The narcissist has been treating you like a tool and on some level you know it. You stay in the relationship because you remember how good it felt in the beginning. All your efforts have been to get back to that feeling. Those early days when the narcissist made you feel like a million bucks. The good moments with the narcissist are harder and harder to come by. Honey, welcome to the rest of your life if you choose to stay where you are.
Quit being a tool and dump the creep.
"You are that hammer to the narcissist." You also might be the nail.
ReplyDeleteEither way, you still end up with a headache.
ReplyDeleteA tool. That's exactly what I have felt like in the past. A few months back I wrote some dreams or goals. Now most people would have goals like, "I want to exercise more" or "I will stop eating a bag of chips every night." One of the goals I wrote down is, "I'm going to stop being a tool." In the past I couldn't tell I was being manipulated or used, but afterward and sometimes during the manipulation or using, I'd get that feeling inside myself that something was REALLY WRONG. But then I'd hear the LIE inside myself that would say, "You are what's wrong. Try harder. Be nicer. Do more. You are not good enough and you need to do more for this person."
ReplyDelete"Is it any wonder why you have spent so much time feeling devalued?" Exactly. That's exactly how I consistently felt. I've walked away from meetings with N's and telephone conversation with N's and felt used. Like my only purpose in their life was to listen to them talk about their life. Listen to them talk about the new things they got or the good in their life. My soul purpose was to lift them up on their pedestal and to pat them on their backs. And if Italked about something good in my life, well, I'd be shut down or ignored. Almost like I didn't say anything at all. I finally realized THAT'S NOT A NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!
And that's exactly it, Anna. We stay in these relationships because we remember the BEGINNING of the relationship. The honeymoon. When things were good (or so we thought) and we keep working and keep trying to get those good times back. But they never come and all we are left with is an empty, used up feeling. The feeling a tool would have if a tool had feelings. I don't want to be someone's toilet paper.
Jenny,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great. You have gradually come to perceive the twisted nature of the relationship with a N. You are well on your way to not being a tool. We who have been in close relationships with narcissists have all been used. We've all ended up being a roll of toilet paper to them. Don't be too hard on yourself for that. You didn't know what you were dealing with. You assumed the narcissist was a normal person with normal motivations and feelings. You lacked the perspective that would have allowed you to see what you were up against.
Time and experience are good teachers if we're willing to learn. It sounds like you have been willing to learn. The past bad experiences we've had can be turned to good IF we will use them as our teachers. If those bad experiences can teach us their valuable lessons they can open the door to a bright and happy future. I wouldn't trade any of my bad experiences of the past if that meant I couldn't have the life I have now. It was all worth it to get where I am today. That's sayin' somethin'.
So, rather than castigate yourself with how you've been a tool concentrate your efforts at looking for the lessons. Pat yourself on the back for being less naive now than you were. Admire in yourself the signs of maturity and knowledge that you now have as opposed to the past. Take the lessons from the bad experiences and move with optimism into the future because you are a good student and won't be repeating too many of your past mistakes.
True ignorance is not a moral failing. It is simply not knowing. No need to spank yourself for that. That someone exploited your naivete and good will toward them is their moral failing not yours. To KNOW and then to ignore what you know to do something stupid or wrong...that would be a moral failing, but even that is fixable.
Knowledge is only power if you're willing to use it. Use your hard-earned knowledge to create a good life.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement and wisdom, Anna. I can't agree with you more. Thanks so much!
ReplyDelete