As I have reflected on history with my narcissistic mother I have been able to see clear indications of her awareness of her crimes against me. I suspect you've seen the same indications with your own narcissist. I'll name a couple of them:
1) All my life she has hated my friends. I know now it is because they have always been a threat to her control of my mind. She made it clear to me, starting when I was very young, that I was not allowed to speak of the things that went on in our house. It was none of anyone's business, she would say. It was repeated often that talking about her or our family life was wrong, disloyal, bad. (Even though she freely gossips to whoever about immediate family members when it suits her.) Despite the ongoing propaganda she was never sure whether or not I was sharing things with my friends; she always imagined signs that they didn't like her and how that was directly my fault. It is likely you've also seen this paranoia and active campaign against any and all of your friendships.
Proof one: Her need to hide facts is a sign of someone who knows on some level that their behavior is wrong. On some level narcissists know that they are abusing, using and hurting you.
2) Another thing is that she lies, covers up and minimizes her bad actions of past and present. When someone lies then you have direct proof that they know the truth. If she didn't know that her behaviors were bad then she'd have no need to lie about them. The rages, the martyr act, the helpless act, the many and varied manipulations are all ways that the N are trying to control your perceptions of them. They are trying to control your mind so you will reflect back to them how they want to see themselves. It is all deception. Varied forms of it. The use of deception in any and all its forms is proof of an awareness of truth.
So, does this awareness of theirs indicate they are evil? Some say yes....some say no. I say, yes. More on that next time.
She made it clear to me, starting when I was very young, that I was not allowed to speak of the things that went on in our house. It was none of anyone's business, she would say. It was repeated often that talking about her or our family life was wrong, disloyal, bad. (Even though she freely gossips to whoever about immediate family members when it suits her.)
ReplyDelete...she always imagined signs that they didn't like her and how that was directly my fault.
I don't think I will ever get over reading your blog and seeing things that I myself could have written about my N-Mom... word for word.
Yes the same thing for my mom. Remarkably similar. She says she hated people who complained about their moms, she used my want for her to like me to get me to shut up.
ReplyDeleteGarfield
"Thou shalt not talk" was Rule #1 of my MN "Mother" and she inculcated it ruthlessly from my earliest memories/experiences. She remained a vicious gossip clearly enjoying other's misfortunes or making stuff up out of thin air if there was nothing to "embellish." I kept my mouth shut for years. Outside of these Blogs for AC's I rarely if ever speak about her or growing up.
ReplyDeleteOf course she knew what she was doing was wrong! Her frantic efforts to contrive cover-ups, her relentless lying proactively and reactively, to isolate me from any sources of assistance were intentional. From the time I was very young I knew my "mommy" wasn't like other "mommies" but I had no words to explain it other than to realize you had to spend time with her behind closed doors to see who she really was-and that wasn't about to happen. We learned to not even speak to one another about what was going on.
In my young years there was a great deal of entertaining in our home. As time went on, the house became silent. She managed to alienate everyone including eventually, her entire family of procreation. Contrary to her rock-solid belief it was everyone else, she was *always* "The Victim," the reality she was the common denominator in both the public and private spheres and managed to burn through every.single.relationship she ever had was a testament to the pervasiveness of her MN. Eventually, the only ploy she had left in her old age was Pity and she used it to nearly destroy another family, her deceased brother's in a distant city.
TW