tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post9135188913195252859..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: Do They Have Feelings?Anna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger128125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-78849844988462451412013-12-23T08:52:00.525-07:002013-12-23T08:52:00.525-07:00Reading these posts have helped me to see that I a...Reading these posts have helped me to see that I am not stupid, I am not wrong all the time. Someone has been manipulating me, and doing it well. My n boyfriend was very distant and didn't seem to care about me in the beginning. As time went by, we got closer and he became more attached and sensitive to me. At the time I believe him when he said he was only joking around with me calling me bitch like it was my name. So I adapted to it, quit complaining. Now here I am... Sitting in a pile of broken boards that was once his closet doors. Last night he complained about items that we both have getting mixed up (my fault of course) so I asked, "why dont you color the end of yours with a sharpie? He proceeded to angrily tell me that he would not do so, that if I would be mote careful it wouldn't ever get mixed in with mine, etc, etc. So I cut in and said I'm going to just color the end of mine, I don't mind to do it, and everything will be fine. I also mentioned that I was doing this to keep from being blamed when they got mixed. Well, before that mishap I had told him about how it really had been hurting my feelings that we work in the same place, bit he wont, nor will he allow me to tell anybody we are together. Well, before I know it he is at his closet like he's trying to slide it open, this turns to shaking it ( I thought it may have been stuck). Before I know it he has torn it off the hinges and has proceeded to punch huge holes into them to the point where they can't be repaired. Then he says to me, look at what you have done you stupid bitch, your so stupid. I just stare in disbelief and ask how its my fault, why couldn't he have just talked to me about the problems? His response is that he can't tell me anything, Im too stupid, so he bottles everything up until he anapa, that I cause him to want to just blow everyone and everything up because all I do is bitch and complain. That he tries so hard, to put up with me and not fall apart, but I'm just too much. I know that he will not speak to me all day tomorrow, then slowly he will start to say something here and there and then never mention that closet, or that breakdown...he's only started to have these episodes with throwing and hitting things this week. On a little scared that I'm going to end up getting hit, bit I love this man, and there's part of me that thinks he would never hurt me physically. What if it really is me? What if I just shut up, keep my things organized, clean his room up more often( although when I clean up behind him he gets angry because its not exactly where he had it before...) Maybe then he wouldn't have to have these episodes to teach me a lesson.hbloggert85https://www.blogger.com/profile/09846031391242756600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-34656950606110235462010-08-15T20:42:49.945-06:002010-08-15T20:42:49.945-06:00I just wrote a long comment on this topic that I l...I just wrote a long comment on this topic that I lost creating a google account. Fantastic blog and discussion. Helps a lot to put a N behaviour in prospective. Have a N brother (2 years younger) and a N sister (8 years older). My mom died a few years ago and oh my god what happened with them. Probobally never speak to either again. I was like there was no room for me to get mad dealing with those 2. My sister spewed som much venom and said so many bad things. They started accusing me of harassing their severly Autistic son, while putting him in my bed every night in an attempt to drive me out of the house so the could steal everything. They called the police. I thought the were setting me up for a molestation charge. Everythings such a long story I don't even know where to begin.<br /><br /><br />Anyways, Made up a Narcissist joke:<br /><br /><br />Home come a narcissist can never be late?<br /><br /><br /><br />Because they're always right on time.walterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00333339690013400118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-54036771851632600222009-01-20T13:59:00.000-07:002009-01-20T13:59:00.000-07:00Hi Anna,I wrote the anon 12:42 post.I've never had...Hi Anna,<BR/><BR/>I wrote the anon 12:42 post.<BR/><BR/>I've never had one of 'my' N scripts go on to production, but I'm sure it happens. A lot of bad movies get made. A studio may buy an N script because they like the basic premise, but hire another writer to overhaul it. Or an N may be able to BS a naive investor into putting up the cash for an independent production. <BR/><BR/>There are N writers who are technically proficient. They can write a passable script, but they can't fake a really good to great one. To achieve that, a writer has to dig deep within themselves and mine for gold. N's don't have any gold to mine. <BR/><BR/>As for being successful, a lot of bad movies hit #1 on the weekend box office. But movies that endure, that truly connect with the audience, I would bet were not written by an N.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-33457463221087229202009-01-20T13:19:00.000-07:002009-01-20T13:19:00.000-07:00Your perspective is indeed unique. And fascinatin...Your perspective is indeed unique. And fascinating. Question: have you ever seen a N writer's script accepted by someone and made into a film? I don't expect you to name a film. Just a general question. If so, was the film successful? <BR/><BR/>Thanks for sharing your unique experience as it illustrates some of the enduring and pervasive patterns of narcissism in yet another context.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-59259572311775592102009-01-20T12:42:00.000-07:002009-01-20T12:42:00.000-07:00Regarding Ns, feelings, and empathy, I have an unu...Regarding Ns, feelings, and empathy, I have an unusual perspective. I am an aspiring screenwriter, and do script coverage (I read scripts for actors, directors, producers, etc. and write up a quick synopsis/review so they don’t have to waste their time on crap.)<BR/><BR/>There are certain scripts that just scream N. The signs have become so obvious to me it’s almost funny. For starters, an N’s script demonstrates no real understanding of story structure, characterization, plot, dialog, etc. Learning how to actually write a screenplay requires a lot of honest effort and discipline. The lead character is usually a flawless super-human, despite the fact that he/she engages in vaguely cruel and deceptive behavior. Of course no change or growth occurs, which makes a very dull and pointless story. But the biggest red flag is that an N’s script doesn’t track emotionally. The character’s reactions to situations are inappropriate and weird, just like an N. <BR/><BR/>After I submit the coverage, I’ll often hear that the writer threw a hissyfit, called me a host of names, insisted the script was genius, etc. My suspicions are confirmed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-65993519577266485832009-01-19T21:23:00.000-07:002009-01-19T21:23:00.000-07:00I've been reading some of the blogs from some peop...I've been reading some of the blogs from some people who follow this blog. I have a blog on Live Journal, but I haven't used it in a while. I don't really have great writing skills, and you all write so well!! <BR/><BR/>You have all touched something inme, something that is softly saying, and I'm hoping it gets louder, "I'm NOT alone!!" <BR/><BR/>Someone said women are called "bitter." My SIL said I was bitter and would die an "old maid." Nice words to a new widow, huh?<BR/><BR/>Someone else left an N and is now so lonely. I wish I could give you a hug, Pink Daisy. I was there. God did hear me cry. I don't want to be preachy, but he really does love you and knows how unfair ti's been. Cry to Him. he heard me, and I'm nothing special. He'll hear you.<BR/><BR/>M -- your blog is wonderful. My marriage to my wonderful DH was attacked by an N - my first husband. But we made our marriage Christ-centered and it was wonderful.<BR/><BR/>All of you are so beautiful. You amy feel damaged and hurt by the effects of the N -- I feel the effects on me by the only small smount of abuse I got. If you begin to feel worthless and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to be moving forward, I want to tell you as someone looking in from the outside I think you're beautiful and you have helped me TREMENDOUSLY.<BR/><BR/>I should go and write to myself on my blog. Not fancy, but things I can look back on and see how far I've come.<BR/><BR/>Thanks.<BR/><BR/>- KathleenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-13625361941437096322009-01-19T14:20:00.000-07:002009-01-19T14:20:00.000-07:00"What would happen if I/we confronted the nmon wit..."What would happen if I/we confronted the nmon with the description of NPD and pointed out that she pretty perfectly fits the bill? I'm assuming there would be lots of denial, but then what?? Is it possible for a 'recovery'?"<BR/><BR/>My sister and I both have given our Nfather this treatment in no uncertain terms over the last 20 years...and he ALWAYS - ALWAYS FORGETS. I found it disheartening to realize that no matter how much we needed to have our say with him, our thoughts and conversations were never validated. He has the ability to completely forget anything he chooses not to remember.<BR/><BR/>That being said, I wouldn't necessarily discourage you from giving it a try; you may find it has benefited you personally. But, in personal experience, it will probably not affect your N appreciably, unless he/she tries to play mindf**k with you and get you to feel sorry for him/her.Besshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08211150594109190701noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-46617025352720064272009-01-19T13:15:00.000-07:002009-01-19T13:15:00.000-07:00""Slick as snot and just as appealing.""Gross but ...""Slick as snot and just as appealing.""<BR/><BR/>Gross but it's reality!lol.<BR/><BR/>I always wondered why my NM gave me the creeps even when I was a child! I always knew something was wrong.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-13169963874817652032009-01-19T12:02:00.000-07:002009-01-19T12:02:00.000-07:00about scammers: funny how the behaviors of Ns para...<I>about scammers: funny how the behaviors of Ns parallel professional con artists?</I><BR/><BR/>As I like to regularly point out on my blog: narcissists think like criminals. Narcissists <I>are</I> criminals. They operate outside the laws of morality everyday of their stinkin' lives. Many of them break the law as well. Narcissists <I>are</I> professional con artists. They have made their living by con artistry since their earliest sentient moments.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for reiterating succinctly the reality that waiting for a narcissist to change is an absolute waste of time and energy. I have also gotten narcissists to admit to their wrong-doing and the harm of their behavior. But, as you pointed out, it never matters in the end. They <B>always</B> find a way to go back to being "innocent". No confession ever sticks. Slick as snot and just as appealing.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-6177228563911398002009-01-19T08:41:00.001-07:002009-01-19T08:41:00.001-07:00SDA,Yes, a narcissist is very much like you've des...SDA,<BR/><BR/>Yes, a narcissist is very much like you've described the Nigerian scammers as being. And like the Nigerian scammers it is our own weaknesses that set us up for exploitation. Our own greed, our own mis-informed consciences, our love for flattery, our willingness to suspend disbelief because we want the swan song to be true, etc. You've observed correctly that narcissists tend to run on a script or a predictable pattern of behaviors and attitudes. This is why it is possible for sites such as mine to be able to describe the global characteristics of malignant narcissism and it be helpful to so many people dealing with a MN. It is true that MN are chameleon-like and adapt their behaviors to varying circumstances, nevertheless, certain underlying principles always apply and make it possible to spot them even as they attempt their various disguises.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-76396122153828328772009-01-19T08:41:00.000-07:002009-01-19T08:41:00.000-07:00"What would happen if I/we confronted the nmon wit..."What would happen if I/we confronted the nmon with the description of NPD and pointed out that she pretty perfectly fits the bill? I'm assuming there would be lots of denial, but then what?? Is it possible for a 'recovery'?"<BR/><BR/>I wouldn't ever say don't try it, but know N is considered incurable for one simple reason: part of the disorder includes a very deep willful inability to see oneself as truly wrong in any way. And a very deep running belief that they are superior to all others, whether or not they ever say it. The closest they can get to admitting any wrongdoing is to see themselves as victimized when necessary, but not actually wrong acting or 'disordered' in any personally accountable way. Kind of a catch-22 when it comes to the idea of recovery. <BR/><BR/>Imagine the possibility of treatment if part of being a kleptomaniac including an absolute inability to see stealing as wrong. Or the very real problem of treating anorexics who are unable to see their body weight as dangerously unhealthy. Experts say the only time a N may even just 'possibly' change is after a huge public failure/scandal that basically ruins their life, though even then it is just a small possibility - most still don't change. They will do whatever they can at whatever time to retain a vision of themselves as grandiose and superior, and a comprehensive look at the reality of their behavior would really interfere with that. <BR/><BR/>Twice I have confronted N's in a way effective enough that they actually uncharacteristically admitted to causing damage and harm by their truly wrongful behavior - only to have them revert back to exactly how they were before as if the interaction/admission NEVER TOOK PLACE. In my experience it is like hitting those weighted inflatable clown toys that just bounce right back to where they were before after you punch them. No matter what you say they just reappear right back in place, as if nothing happened, with the same shit eating grin.<BR/><BR/>* about scammers: funny how the behaviors of Ns parallel professional con artists? I have totally noticed this too. Really takes the wind out of the argument saying that N is an "illness".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-33120728528442462512009-01-19T00:37:00.000-07:002009-01-19T00:37:00.000-07:00Thank you.Basically, is an N sort of like a Nigeri...Thank you.<BR/><BR/>Basically, is an N sort of like a Nigerian scammer? The Nigerian scammer goes from potential victim to potential victim typing the same old, mechanical-sounding script and keeps doing it until he finds someone who responds in the way he wants, then the scammer goes to work on that person to obtain monetary supply and keeps plugging until they can't get supply anymore, then they'll dump the person. Basically, they'll either pretend to be a businessman striking up a deal (and, oh, his poor poor business can't survive unless you break the deal with him, after which he'll rip you off) or a lover who keeps running into trouble and who keeps needing money, and is not afraid of guilt-tripping the victim ("don't you love me, honey?").<BR/><BR/>In a previous job, I had the frequent opportunity to observe the conversations between Nigerian scammers and their victims and at first it seems interesting to observe these conversations but as time goes on it just gets old, as the scammers use the same old tired scripts, the same old mechanical way of handling conversations, and the same old guilt trips they use to keep their victims sending them money, and they'll dump the person once the person is determined to no longer be able to provide the supply. It was frustrating to see people fall for the same old tricks over and over again, and people who were sort of on to the scammer get fooled again by the scammer's appeal to their consciences.<BR/><BR/>Of course, a narcissist can keep plugging a person for supply for a much longer time, so they'll go from victim to victim much less, but isn't narcissistic supply still pretty much the same concept as the Nigerian scammer, except that emotional/psychological benefits are expected instead of monetary benefits (though some of that can be thrown in there too)?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-46069509854500033142009-01-18T21:06:00.000-07:002009-01-18T21:06:00.000-07:00To Anonymous: Jan 18, 2009 3:46:00 Welcome to the ...To Anonymous: Jan 18, 2009 3:46:00 <BR/><BR/>Welcome to the support and information this blog has to offer. We were all new to this once.....and it is well worth all the effort and energy you can put into the steps it takes to 'wrap your head around it'.<BR/><BR/>Regarding your question: Anna has spent several years posting information, experiences, wisdom, and support for all of us who have suffered under a narcissist....and in most cases, multiple narcissists. It would be in your best interest to be well-grounded as to the nature of narcissism...have a firm understanding of the damage inflicted upon you and how a narcissists goes about it. If you go back to the beginning of her posts.....and read....read....read...read. Read her posts....read the comments....read the questions. Wrap your head around that first.....and you will find your answer. I'm not trying to pass your question off as 'trivial'.....it is very important....it is simply that there is no answer outside of 'NO' without the qualifying context to back it up.....and the meaning of the 'NO'...(as answer to your question) is as long and complex as the posts and comments over several years in this blog.<BR/><BR/>Take the time to explore what Anna has offered.....the books she recommends....the authors she recommends. There are all kinds of references to 'labels'....definitions...etc...contained within her posting page. I'm not the brightest bulb on the porch...not particularly savvy on computers...but she has it lined out so that even a serious chimpanzee can figure it out. I felt a bit overwhelmed at first....but WOW...I felt determined to keep reading and mulling over this wonderful (though often painful) Truth that was piercing my conscience and brain.<BR/><BR/>Read...read....read...don't quit....hang in there. You'll find what you are looking for.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-58722925513290981362009-01-18T15:46:00.000-07:002009-01-18T15:46:00.000-07:00I'm still in the baby stages of wrapping my brain ...I'm still in the baby stages of wrapping my brain around all of this amazing information. My question: What would happen if I/we confronted the nmon with the description of NPD and pointed out that she pretty perfectly fits the bill? I'm assuming there would be lots of denial, but then what?? Is it possible for a 'recovery'?<BR/>--JulieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-71688113335838824052009-01-18T12:58:00.000-07:002009-01-18T12:58:00.000-07:00Anna, Thank you so very much for this site. It has...Anna, Thank you so very much for this site. It has helped me immensely to better see and understand what I have been going thru for many years. So much so I can honestly now laugh at the following.<BR/><BR/>Here is only a brief few minutes of “Insanity Revisited” during the last child support hearing I attended with the mega N-X.<BR/> He would not sit at the table. He had to stand imposing his stature before myself and the hearing referee.<BR/>Pleading his poor-me plight as to why he is ehh 20 or so years behind in child support payments and has not found anyone to give him a hard sought after job for over 2 years. <BR/> His emotion filled pity ploy included… He is obligated to stay with and attend to his poor sick elderly mother, sniff-sniff as he wiped a fake tear… (Free room and board, she pays for ALL his needs, 2 credit card bills, a loan, cigarettes… ) <BR/>He has been trying sooo hard. Its such a struggle for him. He is trying everything possible to get a job… (McDonalds is beneath him - he is only looking for jobs at $20 or more an hour)<BR/>He’s attending a job clinic every other day where he goes in his active search for work… (Its court ordered)<BR/>He is so poor he forced to take the bus everywhere. Its so embarrassing… (Lost his drivers license forever from drinking, & gets free county buss passes for the indigent)… Standing in the cold, waiting for hours with his poor aching body being wracked with arthritis… (Snort! Ha-ha) (Oh ya -- free Medicaid)<BR/>His time and energy is so overwhelmed and limited. Juggling all this while at the same time is attending electrical classes… (the loan his mother got stuck paying)<BR/>He’s even going to Job Counseling for help in procuring employment… (His parole officer set this up & I don’t think she is only a job councilor)… but its so hard and stressful given the economy and all …(Nobody in their right mind would hire this guy over an unemployed autoworker)… having to take some kind of employment test …(Oh My! What a hardship)… where he pronounced to all present… (embarrassingly loudly for all to hear)… how Superbly Well he scored on this test. He then stated how his… (parole ordered)… councilor remarked that his test results were indeed Above Average.<BR/>That warped him immediately into a bragging stint how my boys have his “superior intelligent genes”… not mine, HIS! And ONLY HIS!<BR/>Although he abandoned them, & he hasn’t made an effort to see them in 20 years While I raised them alone from babies thru to college all while him making my life LIVING HELL. He didn’t even regard me as contributing so much as DNA to the kids! <BR/><BR/> After wards when my mind was no longer hurting & the dizziness stopped. I could see the insanity clearer. I realized that his genes were all he has ever contributed! So that is all he can honestly embellish….<BR/><BR/>SueAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-91852694952701210532009-01-18T11:06:00.000-07:002009-01-18T11:06:00.000-07:00On the topic of N kids transitioning out of a hous...On the topic of N kids transitioning out of a household:<BR/><BR/>I had an N sibling who had all the traits: rages, violence, threats, humiliations, and constantly setting traps so you couldn't avoid tangling with him. As we all started to grow up and move out, I realize now he was suddenly in a tremendous bind: except for holidays, we suddenly no longer HAD to have much to do with him, and he knew it. And the "real world" wasn't going to be like the game park he was used to, and he knew that too.<BR/><BR/>What happened? He went from being a wolf in wolf's clothing, to a sheep in one, and I was fooled for a long time. The transformation was nothing short of radical: he went from threatening violence, raging, and smugly treating everyone like slaves at family gatherings to.... no kidding: SERVING US, HELPING, AND BEING A GENTLEMAN. In a VERY short period of time. I swallowed it hook line and sinker: but it was unadulterated N BS.<BR/><BR/>I was so shocked and relieved, and so eager to believe that that act was true, that I didn't make an important connection at the time: this "coincidentally" occurred when we were all leaving home [motive], AND right when he had been working in the service industry for the first time [ability]. <BR/><BR/>In his new work, he learned to FAKE CHARM and CONCERN, very skillfully. I truly wish I realized the phoniness of it the first time he held a tray to us to "serve" us, which in our house was about as eye-poppingly radical as it would have been if the family dog started to use the can opener.<BR/><BR/>Since I believed he "changed", I lowered my guard and got another decade of abuse: only it was just more "cleverly hidden" then the old methods of getting beat up after school. N's don't change anything, except strategy and their "act", and they REALLY HATE to lose the victims from their original family.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-7483757804672904272009-01-18T10:30:00.000-07:002009-01-18T10:30:00.000-07:00Sibling Survivor,WOW!!!What a freaking psycho.Than...Sibling Survivor,<BR/><BR/>WOW!!!<BR/><BR/>What a freaking psycho.<BR/><BR/>Thank God that you are on to her. It sometimes takes us so much more of our lives to figure that out.<BR/><BR/>Your poor mother! Make sure you keep another copy of that nasty voice mail, for insurance. If this woman has access to your mothers' house, that tape could mysteriously disappear. Your mother will need to be reminded again & again of how she felt when this incident was fresh in her mind. Time can have a way of dulling a mother's memory, where her children are concerned. You say she still holds out hope for this sister. God help her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-37712435270491005912009-01-18T09:38:00.000-07:002009-01-18T09:38:00.000-07:00@ Writer in Washington: What a great MASH quote. ...@ Writer in Washington: What a great MASH quote. I had felt torn between feeling bad that my mother had some sort of illness and feeling anger and resentment. I realized that I needed to worry about myself (because she sure wasn't worrying about me... in the right way, anyway), and that I needed to feel some resentment towards her to motivate me enough to get out of that situation. So, I understand that MASH quote completely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-7755955556864151632009-01-18T09:14:00.000-07:002009-01-18T09:14:00.000-07:00I'm in suck a mood. What the F**K is WRONG with t...I'm in suck a mood. What the F**K is WRONG with these people? Yes, I know -- NPD. But I still can't help saying WTF is WRONG with THESE PEOPLE?<BR/><BR/>Your sister is such a jerk. Her religious superiority? Jesus said "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and don't do as I say?" Guess it doesn't apply to some people at all. THEY ARE GOD. THEY MAKE THE RULES.<BR/><BR/>I have always been honest here --I didn't grow up with what you all grew up with. I haven't a clue as to how you all stay so strong, how you all survived. I have a hard enough time with their bullshit and I didn't even have 1/4 of the crap you all had. I feel compassion for all of you and deep admiration for breaking the cycle, for surviving. <BR/><BR/>Today I made a mistake -- I broke N/C. I just felt so angry today against my BIL. He claims to be a Christian (and I don't think he's a N, just a spineless wimp who has no integrity or character). I let him have it in an email about his faith, about his claims, about telling a 12 year old hwo asked for help to basically "get lost."<BR/><BR/>I probably made a big mistake. I'm not half as strong as I would like to believe.<BR/><BR/>And yet you have all been thru worse and stick to your N/C. <BR/><BR/>If at first I don't succeed.....<BR/><BR/>I'm just exasperated with them, with me. I NEED to FOCUS again on what I do have, how blessed I am.<BR/><BR/>Again, I admire you all. I can't imagine what you all have lived through. Hugs to all of you.<BR/><BR/>- KathleenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-23633847826570789582009-01-18T07:14:00.000-07:002009-01-18T07:14:00.000-07:00In response to the mother with the possibly N daug...In response to the mother with the possibly N daughter:<BR/><BR/>Just a week ago we had a somewhat similar situation here. N-sister had actually moved out over six months ago and knew I was going to move into the middle room at my mother's house (where she had stayed) for another month. I needed a place in town to live while I was being trained at work, but didn't know which office I would be working from post training and didn't have the money to pay double-rent (couldn't end lease - room mates). I would have moved home with dad, but my old room became the storage room. N-sister still has a room over there, but didn't want to live with dad - he was getting pretty savy to her behavior. So after nearly two decades of acting like mom was the bad guy (she enforces rules much better) she did a flip - now mom's the good parent.<BR/><BR/>Note; N-sister is 22, so should know she's responsible for her actions by now.<BR/><BR/>When it came time for me to move in, she still had not even bothered to move the things she left behind (lots of clothing, makeup, etc) out or pack them up. Clearly these were things she seldom needed or things she didn't want anymore. Things that could easily go into the storage room downstairs.<BR/><BR/>Now there's two things I know from past experience: 1) No one is allowed to touch her belongings, no matter where they are (such as laundry left in the washer/dryer - or else she goes into a rage. 2) She hates it even more if I do it than if anyone else does it. She seems to think I'll deliberately tear up her things (because she would do this to my things) and acts like I'm some sort of unclean heathen monster (she likes to play the religious superiority tactic).<BR/><BR/>Yet she set it up so that I would do it or else my mom, already over worked and stressed, would have to do it. I was having none of it. I know she would yell and scream no matter how her things were moved/packed up, so I just tossed them into trash bags. Mom helped out and tried to keep things folded, but really, N-sister wasn't going to appreciate her efforts. She still holds out some hope for N-sister, so she was pretty hurt by this incident as it unfolded.<BR/><BR/>We got everything bagged up and ready to go in one day, then went to a movie to celebrate the cleaning up after N sis being done with. It was a feat worth celebrating. You can bet we were both shocked at how she reacted... mom for anything like this happening, me for the way in which she reacted (i had expected calling to yell/scream at mom and having tossed/destroyed my things I had brought up - which is why I brought up the least valuable/breakable things first).<BR/><BR/>When we got back, we found that:<BR/>-The front door was left open even though no one was home.<BR/>-Mom's 13 year old dog, with health problems, was left outside in the cold weather. (He was in when we left.)<BR/>-Some of N-sister's crap was left in a trail from down stairs (where we stored it) to the door, looking like we had been robbed.<BR/>-In a petty move, she ate candy from my dish that I used to have in my office for students visiting, and left the wrappers all over the house. (Just so I know she was digging in my things, because I hadn't unpacked that yet.)<BR/><BR/>Now N-sister KNEW full well that Mom had been robbed about 2-3 years ago, yet she left the house looking like it had just been robbed again! And she left the front door open for who knows how long so that it could have happened again. Of course, if it had, she would have claimed it was our fault for touching her stuff.<BR/><BR/>Mom gave her a call to let her know that it wasn't appropriate behavior (which was probably just what she was waiting for) and N-sister launched into her tirade on how we were the bad guys. And how she couldn't find any of her things (aka, she had to LOOK in the bags for them.. ah, effort).<BR/><BR/>She also acted, and left it looking like, she came in in a tizzy, grabbed her things, and left. Not so - we had proof via an undrained bathtub that she took the time to wash her two dogs! And yet she was obviously not concerned about leaving an elderly dog with health problems out in the cold while not knowing when anyone else would be back.<BR/><BR/>She put another break in her relationship with mom.. who now also has a very nasty voice message she saves. She says it's to remind her how N-sister acts when she doesn't want anything (aka, not in fake nice mode). I'm sure it also provides proof that mom's not the crazy one.<BR/><BR/>I hate that she still has access to the house - I'd feel a lot better if we changed the locks, got back the garage door opener, and everyone except her got a key. I don't think mom wants to break ties with N-sister, which changing the locks would certainly do.<BR/><BR/>I'm already making the plans to move out. She won't know where I live - just like my brother who moved out (he barely made it one semester with her in an apartment - she tried to physically beat him up just like she tried to do to me in high school... that was the final breaking point for me, and was for him as well).<BR/><BR/>It won't be too long before N sister can't find any of us. Mom vowed after that last incident that if she got the out of state job she applied for, N-sister wouldn't know where she lived. We'd just need to get dad and other brother into hiding...<BR/><BR/>Sorry for the vent there, but it's been bugging me for a bit. I shouldn't be surprised she angled it to hurt mom as much as possible (thinking she'd been robbed, knowing it could happen again whenever, and putting her beloved dog out in the cold).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-79248696978018546872009-01-17T15:19:00.000-07:002009-01-17T15:19:00.000-07:00I am almost 3 weeks post NC with my now exN friend...I am almost 3 weeks post NC with my now exN friend. I had sent off my NC letter having found the courage to do so through the support of my family and some tried and true advice found in this blog. I had hoped I would not hear from exNfriend, but the better part of me knew there was no way she would let it be. She has always had to have the last word and this would be no different. I had an email in my inbox for a day, vacillating as to whether to hit delete or not. I must have still had some altruistic (albeit misguided) hope that she may not be an N or that she had changed, so I read the letter...or I should say "skimmed". It was a stew of word vomit, denying her selfish and hurtful actions to me and others. Rather, she made yet another point to tell me (as if I had not heard this everyday for the past 10 years) of her being driven into therapy because of her being labeled "selfish" by her N father and BPD mother, and that I was no better than them and in fact I WAS probably BPD, MPD, and an N!! In retrospect, she has labeled all everyone in her life with a mental illness if they dare to reject her or cut off her N supply. Her true colors were showing, only validating my decision to go NC. Thankfully, because of my line of work I have had my head examined and psych evaluations done on a regular basis, which have never revealed any of the above disorders! And to think she wants to be a therapist. I hope and pray she doesn't abuse them too. Anna, in your words I have been a "mercy zombie", but no more, never again. I will not give my compassion without wisdom and discernment. So, yes N's have feelings but only for themselves. I have set up my email account to automatically delete any "incoming rockets" from this hostile and hurtful person.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-73499228727019547252009-01-17T14:28:00.000-07:002009-01-17T14:28:00.000-07:00I see nothing there that would make me label him a...I see nothing there that would make me label him a narcissist. I do find that when people don't like another person's view of politics they are quick to put the worst construct on their character. Don't fall into that.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-4409371257757257462009-01-17T14:03:00.000-07:002009-01-17T14:03:00.000-07:00I'm wondering if you could help me here:http://vau...I'm wondering if you could help me here:<BR/><BR/>http://vault-co.blogspot.com/<BR/><BR/>This person seems like a crank, but then it seems like he's at least slightly knowledgeable as well, but I'm also wondering if he's an N--he sort of strikes me as that way too, as he seems to pump himself up a lot, but the question is, is he being grandiose? He could just really be very smart, or he could be being grandiose. What do you think?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-60548133755460644252009-01-17T10:26:00.000-07:002009-01-17T10:26:00.000-07:00C.M.Has there been any fall-out from your having c...C.M.<BR/><BR/>Has there been any fall-out from your having contacted your mother? Has she responded?<BR/><BR/>By the way, you have a great set of pipes! Beautiful voice.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-51699724633137906252009-01-17T08:56:00.000-07:002009-01-17T08:56:00.000-07:00Anna Thanks for this blog.I have been reading for ...Anna Thanks for this blog.<BR/>I have been reading for a few months and this is the first time posting. Truly grateful. I am 50 something and I wish I knew 30 years ago what I know today about my NM.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com