tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post8462801471538895256..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: If a Look Could Kill ...Anna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-52351808446315589782015-09-14T21:09:45.309-06:002015-09-14T21:09:45.309-06:00Hi, Anna. I know this blog isn't regularly upd...Hi, Anna. I know this blog isn't regularly updated anymore, but I'd like to say all your posts have helped me figure out my MN aunt. My aunt would bully my grandmother (who was a saint), and she barged into my home on St. Patricks day after shoving past my grandma. She wanted to give us a "gift", but my mom (who wasn't home) always enforced boundaries around my aunt and her bad behavior, did not want my aunt in her home. Ever. So I very calmly told her that it was a bad time, thanks for the gift, don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out. I repeated this ad nauseum before she got her butt in gear, but while I was walking her out, she stopped and turned on the stairs and said "I would never hurt you, Maggie." <br /><br />I can still remember how she said it. Some other commenters talk about "snake eyes" or "icy stares", but when I looked at her eyes, I felt like I was looking at soda with no bubbles in it. Flat. I've been told when I'm angry, my eyes are firey and sparkly, no doubt because I feel firey and sparkly when I'm angry. Even when I'm calmly angry, my eyes look like that. I still get the willies thinking about that stare. A corpse has more expression in their eyes than she did.<br /><br />It was even creepier that she brought up "hurting me" when nothing in the conversation implied I was afraid of her. Up until that point, I wouldn't even dream of her hurting me. It scares me that she was an RN, not just because of that incident, but because she HATES sick people. She was a bitch to her own mother when she was sick with cancer, and I can't imagine a stranger has a snowball's chance in hell to be treated any better.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13878485201520388212noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-61177478413940039562010-01-05T13:56:38.967-07:002010-01-05T13:56:38.967-07:00We even have a name for it in my family. It's...We even have a name for it in my family. It's called the "Hazel Look" after my mom's grandmother. My mom put the fear of god into our hearts with just one look. My stepfather says he can feel it even when he isn't in the same room. Unfortunately, I am also able to make this look but since I am aware of the power of this look, I have always been very careful not to use it on another human being. I did use it on a dog once that I caught eating some cheese on my kitchen table. The dog yelped; jumped off the table; and ran into the wall.rexicathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04304520439980220842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-85576635385448881602008-05-18T18:48:00.000-06:002008-05-18T18:48:00.000-06:00ah, the teeth. my NM got furious at my F and gritt...ah, the teeth. my NM got furious at my F and gritted her teeth so hard during her tirade that she broke her front tooth in half. she doesn't think she has an anger issue.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-44461288577736470382008-05-13T13:07:00.000-06:002008-05-13T13:07:00.000-06:00My mother gives that look but no nashing of teeth....My mother gives that look but no nashing of teeth. Actually I have acquired a look unfortunately that I sometimes give her. It means she has gone to far and I won't listen. Makes her nervous. I just say no when she asks something very ridiculous and take whatever punishment she can dish out. <BR/><BR/>Still under her care. (under age 18) I knew something was wrong my whole life and just figured out that there is a name for it. I think that I have been gradually setting up defenses since over the age of five. Saying no and meaning it. Also not believing a word she says when she critisizes me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-29934489276802327402008-02-23T11:16:00.000-07:002008-02-23T11:16:00.000-07:00Thank you so much! I just finished a writing long ...Thank you so much! I just finished a writing long story about my mother and "the look" several months ago, before I realized that she was an Nm. I'm grateful you have validated what has been intuitive to me all along.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-70795539767201994752007-09-30T06:17:00.000-06:002007-09-30T06:17:00.000-06:00When my N ex-girlfriend switched from the sweet "1...When my N ex-girlfriend switched from the sweet "16 year old" to the indifferent nastiness of the Terminator's daughter, I knew that it was time to hide under the bed, again. <BR/><BR/>Kissing that other personality goodbye for the 200th time always left an emptiness in my heart. <BR/><BR/>After too many years and 10 times the break-ups and re-unions, for the first time, I finally ended it for good. She didn't know what had hit her. She tried to cling to me but I had nothing left for her to cling to. <BR/><BR/>I will never forget the "evil" that she could become when I crossed the line to getting too close to her. Her snarling face could make a pit bull retreat.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-66592965252787043942007-09-25T13:09:00.000-06:002007-09-25T13:09:00.000-06:00My heartfelt condolences. You've obviously been t...My heartfelt condolences. You've obviously been terrified and controlled by "the look". You are right...the incipient and barely concealed violence in this "look" is not lost on the child.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-80385261002531162752007-09-25T13:07:00.000-06:002007-09-25T13:07:00.000-06:00OMG - the look - it was terrifying as a child . ...OMG - the look - it was terrifying as a child . Those eyes would narrow into slits and<BR/>her voice would change. I knew at 5 I was dealing with a seriously dangerous person.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-54414946098272213092007-09-22T11:54:00.000-06:002007-09-22T11:54:00.000-06:00I found an evil eye picture complete with the poin...I found an evil eye picture complete with the pointy finger of doom. <BR/>http://www.ogunquitnow.com/images/mommie02.jpgchickwithbrainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11730572915680951780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-35117501182227179162007-09-21T14:02:00.000-06:002007-09-21T14:02:00.000-06:00I love your posts Anna. I too have a NMIL. I'll n...I love your posts Anna. <BR/><BR/>I too have a NMIL. I'll never forget the first time I saw her 'devil face'. She was raging at her daughter and her face was pure evil. I felt seriously afraid. I didn't think she'd turn on me, but still, the look was enough to scare the hell out of me. She did this in front of several adults. She seems to have no problem, regarding who is around to witness it.<BR/><BR/>My husband some what acknowledges that his mother 'isn't right', but doesn't seem to have a problem enduring her abuse. The two of them joke about how she used to dig her fingernails into his arm and drag him. Or how she used to beat him. I really don't understand what's wrong with him that he still associates with her (I no longer see her). Maybe you should post an entry about when people are in denial if you haven't already.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-15947674867369471622007-09-20T04:27:00.000-06:002007-09-20T04:27:00.000-06:00In the dark, while watching movies with the guy I ...In the dark, while watching movies with the guy I had been dating for a week, we were playfully (I thought) fighting for the last chips. I mock acted some character, which set him off. In an instant, his countenance changed and eyes hardened which was scary, especially in the dark. Demonic and malevolent, I heard "how dare you!" with my mind's ear, felt rage and I knew that I was seeing the face of a rapist. It scared me, but I was in a group so I was ok.<BR/><BR/>Regarding my mum, your post set off an ah-ha moment in me also, but I am unable to articulate this presently. I feel this is important for me to explore further. Thank you.<BR/><BR/>Slightly off topic, I thought about the impact of the voice, which I am more sensitive to. I have my Nmum's powerful voice, but I use it to sing, not yell down people. Once, in my early 20s, my mum was yelling at me at close range and I was so stressed out and naively begged her to stop. It was as if I was being knifed by sound and the volume was too loud for my ears, so I cupped them and kept yelling at her to stop, but she wouldn't. I walked to the front door to walk out, but she had locked it, so I walked out into the courtyard with her tirade following me and climbed over the fence. She opened the locked gate and was unrelentless, while I kept telling her to leave me alone. Starting from a go away, moving up to stronger and stronger admonishments. Finally, I yelled out "mother, will you just F*** OFF!!!!" She backed off and went inside. Later, my mother carried on and on about how embarassed she was in front of the neighbours(!) and all my idiot-enabler father could say was, "If you can't say anything without swearing, then there is something lacking in your vocablulary." <BR/><BR/>This was an unexpectly long post, which felt good to get off my chest.<BR/><BR/>CassandraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-54400981005741052252007-09-20T02:56:00.000-06:002007-09-20T02:56:00.000-06:00Very interesting topic (as always) even though I, ...Very interesting topic (as always) even though I, thankfully, never had to experience this as a child.<BR/><BR/>My N was my ex girlfriend and we were only dating for a short period of time. But I'll never forget that Look. Pure hatred in her eyes, "demon-possessed bitch face" is a very picture-like description (I remember thinking "this is Evil" when I saw that look).<BR/><BR/>It was most effective the first time she gave me that look. I was so scared and confused that I just ended the argument/fight and surrendered. Then we reconciled. The strange thing is that I cannot even remember what the argument/fight was all about.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-9740644828668546182007-09-19T15:41:00.000-06:002007-09-19T15:41:00.000-06:00anonymous @ 2:19:00 PMMy MIL is a sociopath. Just...anonymous @ 2:19:00 PM<BR/><BR/>My MIL is a sociopath. Just friggin' nuts and dangerous. I have it in my divorce petition that my NH loses all contact with the children if he brings them anywhere near her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-55059601313375317302007-09-19T15:38:00.000-06:002007-09-19T15:38:00.000-06:00My late Nmom had "the look." Sociopathic - like s...My late Nmom had "the look." Sociopathic - like snake eyes - dead & angry.<BR/><BR/>I have "a look" too but I have NEVER EVER used it on my children. EVER!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-45408298900129946342007-09-19T15:36:00.000-06:002007-09-19T15:36:00.000-06:00Interesting your mom was a day-care provider Anna,...Interesting your mom was a day-care provider Anna, mine was a Nanny in England, and then when she went back to work, a day-respite carer for disabled kids. It reminds me of that awful teacher in 'Matilda'.<BR/><BR/>How incredible, that you should put this post up. You know I had an 'a-ha' moment as I read this. When my children were little, I could never work out what I was doing wrong. They didn't respond to me in the same way I used to respond to my mother when I was a child. Didn't matter what I did, my kids wouldn't simply fall into line quickly and quietly. God, this is all making sense now.<BR/><BR/>My siblings and I were model citizens, and compliant, subserviant at home. We were like emotionally and mentally retarded teenagers because we were too scared to step out of line, and all it needed for a sense of wrongdoing was a 'sigh' of frustration from my mother. That was it. Of course, we were'nt actually doing anything wrong as such, it would usually be over being too happy, and laughing and giggling, or wanting to do something like shave your legs, or wear make-up when you got to be a teenager. So you ended up with no maturity and no sense of self-esteem.<BR/><BR/>If we went out anywhere, like to a restaurant for a family meal, I couldn't eat my stomach was so tied up in knots. We NEVER did anything wrong, yet we always felt like discipline for wrongdoing was just a 'look' away and my father just reinforced my mother's 'disappointment' with us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-76418716248742261172007-09-19T15:12:00.000-06:002007-09-19T15:12:00.000-06:00Dear Anna,I had to LOL at your cell phone comment ...Dear Anna,<BR/><BR/>I had to LOL at your cell phone comment . . . oh, it would astound my Nmom to see how horrible her face looks when she has that expression!<BR/><BR/>This is the strange thing about my childhood . . . I have always accepted the mythology of our perfect, happy family. I have told people how happy my childhood was. But almost every memory, with a couple of exceptions, was of me being afraid, watching my mother as she screamed and broke my toys in front of me, that kind of thing. It has taken until I am 42 for me to push away the mythology and acknowledge the truth. I was terrified for most of my childhood. She controlled me with her rages, and also with the look. <BR/><BR/>My 6 year old daughter has my mother's brown eyes. But my daughter's eyes are soft and happy. That gives me such joy. <BR/><BR/>--LAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-1424870140679562322007-09-19T14:45:00.000-06:002007-09-19T14:45:00.000-06:00"It is hard to percieve the effect that kind of lo..."It is hard to percieve the effect that kind of look will have on a child when it freaks me out as an adult."<BR/><BR/>Even though you say this, I think the fact that you've conceptualized this statement shows that you have at least some inkling of what it may do to a child. <BR/><BR/>I have had an adult relative and an adult friend testify to their feelings about my mother's "look". Even though they are adults, they were quaking inside at what they were seeing. Both used the term "demonic" to try to express their perception of my Nmom's "look". You are right. For a child it is almost infinitely worse. I did not use the words "terrify" or "terrorism" lightly. They are accurate descriptors of a child's experience. <BR/><BR/>I'm sorry you have an NMIL. I hope you're keeping the kids way away from her.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-79111787096491500122007-09-19T14:19:00.000-06:002007-09-19T14:19:00.000-06:00Your blog has been life sent Anna....I have an NMI...Your blog has been life sent Anna....I have an NMIL and oh man...have she given me the "look". Since I did not had to deal with her as a child, I have gotten that look when she see's me as "Happy" without her being center of attension...eg if my friends + kids are visiting and I am playing with kids on the floor, laughing and chatting with friends, she will sit right accross me and stare. To describe that stare would be hard but somehow her eyes will change shape,, it will become round and fill with tears (well almost) and then she will stare stright at me with out blinking....oh man it is spooky. Yikes!! It is hard to percieve the effect that kind of look will have on a child when it freaks me out as an adult.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-52202092359206363792007-09-19T13:50:00.000-06:002007-09-19T13:50:00.000-06:00Anonymous @ 1:13PM:I find it especially disturbing...Anonymous @ 1:13PM:<BR/><BR/>I find it especially disturbing that the N is willing to do that kind of thing to an adult. Then, that she does this while you're holding an infant. This is someone with little sense of boundaries or concern about how her behavior is perceived by normal people. I hope you are able to have as little to do with this person as is possible. She sounds borderline dangerous.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-43901318376588699242007-09-19T13:48:00.000-06:002007-09-19T13:48:00.000-06:00L,I can relate to how much freakier the N gets wit...L,<BR/><BR/>I can relate to how much freakier the N gets with age. Your mother sounds like the stuff of nightmares. I have a little fantasy where you catch the crazy-eyed look with a cell phone camera. *click* Then turn it around and show her. "See what I have to look at, ma?"Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-85025318094055073732007-09-19T13:13:00.000-06:002007-09-19T13:13:00.000-06:00Yes, she did this to me when I was holding my baby...Yes, she did this to me when I was holding my baby.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-17940874183019405442007-09-19T13:09:00.000-06:002007-09-19T13:09:00.000-06:00My mother has always been a narcissist but has got...My mother has always been a narcissist but has gotten even worse during the past couple of years. She was always exceptionally beautiful in a sort of Natalie Wood way. But turning sixty seemed to drive her to the edge of "crazy" territory. She started getting lots of plastic surgery and botox, and exercising two hours a day to maintain her figure. And her mean narcissistic "look" turned to "crazy eyes". It's a glazed, slightly wild stare. I'm sure she has no idea how she looks when she has the crazy eyes. She thinks she is so good at fooling people, and she thinks she is funny and charming, when in reality she's just getting weirder and meaner.<BR/><BR/>--LAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-43505149667426284522007-09-19T12:17:00.000-06:002007-09-19T12:17:00.000-06:00Yes, one could say that their eyes "go dark". The...Yes, one could say that their eyes "go dark". The N you're dealing with sounds like he/she has the scary face thing down cold. Do they do what you describe to adults? <BR/><BR/>Beyond redemption. Indeed.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-69526150166196077552007-09-19T11:34:00.000-06:002007-09-19T11:34:00.000-06:00I do not have an N mother. I married into a family...I do not have an N mother. I married into a family with one.<BR/><BR/>Does this "look" include eyes that go dark? I do not know to this day what color the N's eyes are.<BR/><BR/>I know that her "look" includes stepping into one's personal space, jabbing her finger perilously close to one's eyes, and snarling threats and accusations. When this first happened, I knew she was beyond redemption.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com