tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post3861171067956754488..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: The Reddest Red Flag of NarcissismAnna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger105125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-21185982789107400862017-09-21T11:49:45.463-06:002017-09-21T11:49:45.463-06:00Thank you for this!
The topic of weird reactions f...Thank you for this!<br />The topic of weird reactions from narcissists is very interesting. I can say my family of narcs has zero reaction to painful events. My (non-N) grandmother died last year and no one in my close family seemed bothered by it..I swear it seemed like they just heard it's gonna rain. They were so robotic in going through the news of her death. This makes me scream!!!<br /><br />They went to funeral, ate and took photos (who takes photo during a traumatic event?<br />I was lost at the news, didn't handle it well and went into a period of depression.<br />I got much better nowadays but it took me two therapists and anxiety medication to calm down a bit. I'm still not over her death but to think that they weren't even affected by it, makes me wonder in what kind of parallel universe I'm living. <br />I still have to pinch myself at the thought that my mother was happy during my grandmother's death and no one really cared about what happened.<br />No contact helped me regain my sanity, thank god.<br />Marlenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00364252634597723267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-50281892658769023202017-08-16T00:08:50.282-06:002017-08-16T00:08:50.282-06:00Would this be considered one of those "perver...Would this be considered one of those "perverted" episodes? One Christmas, my very malignant narcissistic sister(I now know she is one) wanted to go buy her dream car the day after Christmas. I was too exhausted to go having had so much company all week and wanting to get my house back in order. So I offered her my husband to go with her so she wouldn't get taken advantage of. He spent the entire day, from 10am till 8 pm with her, took her to every single dealership he knew of and took her to lunch. Took an entire day of his vacation and spent the whole day away from his family just to help her get the best deal possible. I never called them once, never complained or harped about how long they were gone. When they finally got back every one was gushing over her brand new infinity. It was just Beautiful! She took every one for a ride and by then it was well past 10 pm. My husband came in and was telling me she got a really good deal on it and we just chatted for a sec then he went up to bed. I was the only one waiting for her in the kitchen cause I was expecting her to come in so excited and want to sit down and talk about her new car! She came in, SLAMMED her purse on my kitchen table and GLARE RIGHT AT ME! Then she yelled through gritted teeth; ALL DAY LONG! ALL I FUCKING HEARD IS 'HOW MUCH YOUR HUSBAND LOVES YOU' ' HOW MUCH YOUR HUSBAND ADORES YOU' ' HOW YOUR HUSBAND NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE REALLY WAS UNTIL YOU CAME INTO HIS LIFE'! ALL. FUCKING. DAY!" Then she picked up her purse and snatched it away and gave me the most hateful. Evil look in the world and went straight to bed. She got up and left the next morning without saying one single word to me. <br />I was STUNNED!! WHAT ON EARTH! I was still a meek, weak, pitiful baby and terrified of her. I think back now and I so wish I would have gone right after her and started throwing all her shit down the stairs and screaming for her to get her ungrateful, evil, sick selfish ass out of my house NOW! IF I WAS ONLY AS WELL THEN AS I AM NOW!Ctolgirl 56https://www.blogger.com/profile/07191215101165544160noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-71953348523297357922015-05-15T09:04:26.087-06:002015-05-15T09:04:26.087-06:00Amy, your comment sounds so much like my husband&#...Amy, your comment sounds so much like my husband's ex-wife it was scary. Believe me, they are completely without conscience and able to play the "wounded mother" to the hilt. If only we could get the kids to cut her off for good. They cut her off for a while--sometimes a few years, but inevitably she worms her way back into their lives. Its sad, she's a monster who will ultimately destroy their lives if they don't go NC with her, but they have to see it for themselves. Stay strong and stay FAR away from her.Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-90020475806909901762015-04-27T05:36:15.806-06:002015-04-27T05:36:15.806-06:00This reminds me of when I sent my N mother a postc...This reminds me of when I sent my N mother a postcard where I had written her a short evidence of a big lie she had repeated to me over and over while I was still living with her.<br />Next thing you know, I heard that 48 hours later she had visited my ex neighbours (I had moved a few months before) and my working place. She lives 800 km from me. At my working place she did not get access, so she pestered my ex neighbours, making them a terrible scene crying that she absolutely *must* get in contact with me again in order to "help me" because I, her poor misguided baby am so mentally sick and I need her in order to tell me how the world really is like. And wouldn't you believe me - my ex neighbours bought it all. She must have put them under so much emotional pressure that they were nervous wrecks for days.<br /><br />This is the woman who once wrote to me the famous sentence by Saint-Exupéry, "One only sees well with the heart, the worst enemy of human beings is the surface." I was thus supposed to forget all the facts about the evil things she had done to me - long before this incursion after my postcard - and to "see with my heart that she is wonderful and loves me and only wants to help me." So this is what I am according to her - I simply won't see the truth because I am a superficial fool. Worse, bought with money and gifts by her ex husband (my father, whom she abominates because he would not allow her to control him), and being so superficial and selfish his money of course means sooo much more to me than her wonderful "motherly love".<br />She wanted to speak both to my landlord and the human resources manager of the company I was working with on this day. Had she convinced them about my "insanity", which as one can see she might easily have done, she would have destroyed my life - but she would have played the role of the wonderful mommy who forgives her mean, ungrateful, foolish child "all that she has done to her" and "lives only for helping her poor baby".<br /><br />Eeeew. Only thinking about it again makes me feel sick.<br />Thank you very much for your blog! I haven't read it all yet, but I wish there were more persons with clear insight like you, instead of all the "do-gooders" who tell us we must always love and forgive, in particular our parents.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02827357802388386341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-38263899795259615202012-10-22T09:28:29.842-06:002012-10-22T09:28:29.842-06:00Good red flags, especially the one about preverse ...Good red flags, especially the one about preverse behavior that is the opposite of what you would expect.<br /><br />I went searching for answers when i finally needed to know how to deal with my mother. I found an article called "characteristics of narcissistic mothers" and it was like reading the story of my family. Suicide attempts by my siblings, kids who have withdrawn from the family, scapegoats, golden children, weird taking of sides with people she doesnt know against her children, public image, sabotage, all of it.<br /><br />The conversations i had with her were after reporting that her brother had sexually abused my friend and perhaps me. He also abused my cousin, and later i found out, his little brother.<br /><br />The first clue was that before i could even get in to give my video statement, she told the perp and had rushed in to give her own. The perp and her appeared at the police before any of the victmims could even come forward! He was known to posess firearms and i am relatively easy to find so i was terrified, i hired a bodyguard and was in the process of securing my house. I spoke to her and advised what a stupid thing that was to do and told her i was in the process of readying my home to protect my family. She started repeatedly telling me to grow a pair of balls and tell my childhood friend that i had come forward. I left that call thinking to my self, i had the balls to come forward and im in the middle of protecting my family... What was up with that.<br /><br />Next call was what pushedbme over the edge. She called and insinuated that my girlfriend was a liar, saying that she told her that i was the victim and not my friend, which never happened. I reiterated the same story i always have and then when i saidl im angood person and a loyal friend she started ranting that i keep saying that and to cut the bravado, and then started telling me that this was all about me, like i was only doing this to raise my public profile or to make myself look good. Then she accused me of being dishonest (i had told her qbout what happened to my friend when i was 12 and she denies i mentioned it 26 years ago) and demanded to know why i hadnt come to her with this when i was 20. Well when i was 20 i had been kicked out of the house 3 times and i was totally fed up with her.<br /><br />I was left with that feeling dewcribed in the article. Ie. How on earth did that argument even come about? Given the context you would think a real mother would have done anything but attack me, especially after puttingbme and my family through 3 days of our own version of the witness protection program so recklessly.<br /><br />She also stared outright lying, claiming to have forgotten key details that you just dont forget, like how my dad kicked this guy off the property after he crawled into my bed drunk one night. She claimed to only remember that he woke me up.<br /><br />Im now total nc for life. Screw this. Im 36 and i dont need this anymore, makes me sick.Canadian Dudehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12514421499967861685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-90553723411330007482009-11-04T06:28:16.852-07:002009-11-04T06:28:16.852-07:00THANK YOU for this wonderful blog. I really apprec...THANK YOU for this wonderful blog. I really appreciate reading other people's experiences and realizing I was not alone.<br /><br />I'm a 33 year old woman who fell in love with a 22 year old, full blown, Malignant Narcissist.<br /><br />Kevin was charming, intelligent, attractive. He had some things going for him: worked out regularly, witty, fun to be with. <br /><br />Told stories. Constantly barrages. It was like he spoke only to hear the sound of his own voice. He'd tell long-winded and boring stories about the most minute details of his day, but when it was your 'turn' he'd glaze over almost immediately. He'd start looking out the window if we were driving, listening to his Ipod, etc. When I reacted by being hurt and annoyed, he's say "Sorry, I have ADD. but I'm listening.' Meanwhile, I felt that he was tuning it all out--all of my heartbreak, pain, stresses, or worries that I chose to share with him.<br /><br />He played the Comparison Game. This is a game where YOU are ALWAYS the loser when compared to someone--anyone. Usually an attractive ex-lover or female acquaintance. He told me that Rosario Dawson, the actress (gag) was beautiful (unspoken: that I was not). He would praise the beauty of average looking girls and then tell me (not one to brag, but strangers do accuse me of being beautiful on occasion) that I wasn't much in comparison (to that effect. He never would actually say FLAT OUT 'youre fat and ugly' but the implication was there.) For someone with self-esteem issues such as myself, it was deeply painful.<br /><br />He would praise the beauty of a friend's wife, such as pointing out a model in an advertisement at the local mall, saying 'that looks like Nina.' In other words, he was mooning over other women while he was CLAIMING to love me and want to marry me!<br /><br />All of his ex-girlfriends were alternately cheap sluts or goddesses to whom I could never compare.<br /><br />He had NO traces of them...literally NO cards, letters, photos, gifts, even the one he lived with for over a year.<br /><br />Who knows if she even existed in the first place? He was such a pathological liar, I never knew what was true and what wasn't. <br /><br />He would claim to love me, but I felt him sucking the life out of me. He used me financially, and physically, and then when I wouldnt give him more supply, he left, after 14 months together on a daily basis (he was unemployed and not even in college half the time...just parasitical lifestyle which is typical of attractive somatic male narcissists.)<br /><br />Now he's been gone for one month. I feel both relief and sadness. Loneliness is powerful, especially at night, when he and I would usually cuddle and watch tv together. <br /><br />However, I'm moving on. Success IS the best revenge, and the only true revenge. I try to warn his female friends/admirers about him, but he would just tell them 'she's a crazy stalker, mad that I moved out.' NOTHING about our long and dramatic history together. <br /><br />He's surely moved on to his next victim er I mean girlfriend by now.<br /><br />God help her!scorpiobookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14463967170357924337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-29716846398440223282009-02-09T19:14:00.000-07:002009-02-09T19:14:00.000-07:00What is it called when you confront somebody on di...What is it called when you confront somebody on divulging your confidences to another, and when they realize they have been caught, they then shame you for having caught them in the middle of something, and that you have "upset" them. They even did this after I said that I understood, that they had had a moment of lack of judgment. My stance was one of curiosity and not judgmental or angry or insulting. It was one who exposed the N for how he then turned around and divulged what this person would have not wanted me to know.<BR/>I want to make this person understand that the person about whom I cried to them is a narcissist and this very narcissist, who got them to divulge my confidences, has now made the pseudo friend out to be a not trustworthy person to me. And I had thought this person was a friend. <BR/>This psuedo friend pulled this on me, this mock anger of "this is really upsetting to me/now you have upset me" but I also want to have a chance to talk to him without him than pulling more shaming stuff like that on me.<BR/>What is that little trick he pulled called? By the way, he happens to be a psychology professor. So, he will know what I am talking about, haha.student1922https://www.blogger.com/profile/16213996495759291771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-10081651604680475592009-01-25T15:39:00.000-07:002009-01-25T15:39:00.000-07:00C.M. said @ Jan 25, 2009 9:57:00 AM> I've f...C.M. said @ Jan 25, 2009 9:57:00 AM<BR/><BR/>> I've found women to be far more controlling then men <<BR/><BR/>Nowadays I consider the need for controlling others a weakness to be resolved and I try to encourage this.<BR/>Warped by N parents, I tried for years to control friends and acquaintances with my wit, jokes and stories, just because I was deeply afraid they would ruin the good atmosphere by arguing, mood swings, etc, like happened back home.<BR/>When I realized this, I stopped being a clown the very next day (to get fully rid of always trying to being the life of the party took quite a bit longer though).<BR/><BR/>> I think the reason healthy men tend to be less controlling [...] has to do with their love of freedom in cheating on their wives <<BR/><BR/>No silly bint, it is because there's a whole world, nay a universe, out there filled with wonder, adventure and discoveries.<BR/><BR/>All the best.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-11335759793897612992009-01-25T09:57:00.000-07:002009-01-25T09:57:00.000-07:00I've found women to be far more controlling then m...I've found women to be far more controlling then men, especially towards other women. When they can't directly control you, they'll find other ways. I think the reason healthy men tend to be less controlling (my experience is rather limited with men however) has to do with their love of freedom in cheating on their wives). Women value loyalty it seems more then men in personal relationships.Restored Bloggerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02062172512448075783noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-43452377974257565442009-01-16T15:09:00.000-07:002009-01-16T15:09:00.000-07:00Hi Anna, My daughters father has npd and although ...Hi Anna, My daughters father has npd and although Im not suprised that the descriptions you give throughout your blog fit him, My astonishment is in the detailed accuracy of your description. The traits are him 100%. Until recently I felt like maybe Im crazy for feeling something is amiss with him as a human being. He claims I misunderstand everything but if that were the case wouldnt I misunderstand everone in my life? I have never in my life been told that I misinterpret actions or statements. Thank you for you blog. Its a comfort.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-42953853613111433982009-01-15T13:48:00.000-07:002009-01-15T13:48:00.000-07:00Hi Anna:My father was extremely self-absorbed and ...Hi Anna:<BR/><BR/>My father was extremely self-absorbed and physically violent. Too many stories to tell.<BR/><BR/>He was also a chain smoker, probably doing three or more packs a day. As a child, I had severe asthma. At age seven, I had a six-week asthma attack. It was terrible being so young and struggling to breathe. To this day I still have respiratory issues, but not as bad. <BR/><BR/>My father refused to smoke outside or open the windows in the car while smoking. He made himself the "victim" in my "fetish" against smoking. Amazing that he was polluting my air but could somehow turn that around so that he was the victim. He smoked everywhere, even in places that were officially non-smoking.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, so I guess my question is, is the insistence to smoke around those who request otherwise one sign of NPD?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-68555404646774094082009-01-15T06:51:00.000-07:002009-01-15T06:51:00.000-07:00About ressiting/putting up a fight againts the Nar...About ressiting/putting up a fight againts the Narcissists - I think this is a myth that they themselves want to perpetuate - that they are Invincible and Larger Than Life. They can be dangerous and one should consider things very carefully, but from my own experience I can say that I have Crushed narcissists :-D once I got the hang of how they work. Personality disordered people are gullible, self-centered and miss details + they think they cannot loose, so they get over-cocky. They also often have sordid pasts and its always easy to dig up other victims that are willing to back you up etc...<BR/><BR/>So in summary: it is good to be careful and it is necessary to calculate the risk (walking away MAY be the answer)- but the myth of the Invincible Narcissist is an overinflated, false Image they try to make us beleive.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-85953299873626137792009-01-11T15:56:00.000-07:002009-01-11T15:56:00.000-07:00I hope this helps --- when I was married to the al...I hope this helps --- when I was married to the alcoholic I thought he was helpless. Gee, if I didn't do this or that, whatever would happen to him? (Yes, I see how big my ego was there!!)<BR/><BR/>My counselor told me "Every day you MUST do something, anything, that's just for YOU and do ONE LESS thing for him. You'll find out he's not as helpless as you think."<BR/><BR/>- KathleenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-32173899341462373592009-01-11T13:30:00.000-07:002009-01-11T13:30:00.000-07:00"Is there a way to clearly define the boundaries o..."Is there a way to clearly define the boundaries of what I will and will not do to 'take care' of Nmom?"<BR/><BR/><BR/>Make the boundaries yourself and stick to them come hell or high water. N's boundaries are extremely simple: they are your limits. <BR/><BR/>N's will always test to find out just how far they can go, and actually will adjust accordingly despite seeming inflexible. Saying "no" is really hard the first few times, but it gets way easier. The guilt fades too, especially when you see them "miraculously" able to find local solutions or do without, seemingly without a problem. But when you say "no", stick to it - a good rule is to never let them change a "no" to a "yes", even if it is a really little thing. When they do sense a real wall, they may scream and pout and complain to everyone around, but seem to actually not want to court real life failure by continuing to make the request.<BR/><BR/>Also, I tried to make all my excuses non-negotiable: like work or health related [true or not], so I didn't get drawn into a crazy debate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-67216611735556647182009-01-11T12:22:00.000-07:002009-01-11T12:22:00.000-07:00sorry for the infinite posts- this is the last one...sorry for the infinite posts- this is the last one!<BR/><BR/>had a heart to heart with hub- and we drew up a list of reasons to stay in contact with family and reasons not to. Well the decision was instant- cut contact. We are gonna be free for a while year or so and see if we can make something of ourselves, if all goes well we may never have them back. We are watching van helsing tonite with pizza. <BR/>I wish everyone here peace and joy. xxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-76699443445002612792009-01-11T09:29:00.000-07:002009-01-11T09:29:00.000-07:00"So how does one get over the guilt of not 'taking..."So how does one get over the guilt of not 'taking care' of mom??"<BR/><BR/>I know this will sound like a simplistic response to your question....but it can be rather 'simple'. Once you understand that a narcissist WILL and CAN get what they want from ANY well-meaning 'sucker'.....then, you can step out of it. They are actually VERY resourceful.....VERY 'smart'....VERY manipulative. (YOU just happen to be the EASIEST way she can get the ATTENTION she needs/craves etc.) Believe me when I say that when you say "NO" for the first time...(and weather the ensuing 'fallout')....you will be amazed how she either doesn't really NEED that screen door fixed....and it remains in a state of disrepair.....(who gives a shit, ya know?) or she will pay for it to be fixed.....or she will find some other willing 'volunteer'. BUT...ya GOTTA START with a "NO".<BR/><BR/>It is ATTENTION she wants....NOT the damn screen door! What you feel is not TrueGuilt....it is a kneejerk reaction to a false guilt she has imposed on you since you were a little person...eager to please, be obedient, and wanting to be loved. Ask yourself if you think she has EVER loved anyone but herself. Bet you have a tough time coming up with that one. If you are a man....(I'm assuming that you are...since this is about 'fixing a screen door scenario'....then fix your own....(which you probably haven't had time to attend to) and I'll bet you start feeling less 'guilty' with each thing you do for yourself and your family? and friends. Those who truly LOVE and NEED you.<BR/><BR/>Hope this is helpful. Hang in there. Start with ONE "NO". There isn't another way around it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-87617932582770029462009-01-11T08:39:00.000-07:002009-01-11T08:39:00.000-07:00Finding this site has been incredibly enlightening...Finding this site has been incredibly enlightening. Maybe this question has been answered already but here it is:<BR/>Is there a way to clearly define the boundaries of what I will and will not do to 'take care' of Nmom? She lives a three hour drive away from me, yet expects me to drop my life (family, full time job, etc.)to 'fix' her issues. She has lived in her community for 50+ years, but has nobody to help her out with home maintenance, doctor visits, etc.-- because she has driven away all friends and family. I don't feel like I should have to take the time and money to fix her screen door, just because she has 'no one else'.<BR/>So how does one get over the guilt of not 'taking care' of mom??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-31369689260343272482009-01-11T06:22:00.000-07:002009-01-11T06:22:00.000-07:00Hi, all....I find I'm having a 'squirmy' reaction ...Hi, all....<BR/><BR/>I find I'm having a 'squirmy' reaction to reading this particular post, Anna. (It's come up before for me...but this one caused me to nail it down...sorta.)<BR/><BR/>Many times while reading descriptions of Nbehavior....the 'odd', 'innapropriate reactions and responses'...I recognize MYSELF! For a long time, I wondered if I was narcissistic too....(and I know that many readers have expressed the same fear here and there.) What is is..is..(nice sentence structure, eh?) that as long as I viewed MY reactions and responses to Nbehavior as WRONG...then I recognize myself as 'bad'. Strange how an N can make YOU feel like you have reacted or responded to THEM 'innapropriately' and 'bizzarly'....sometimes 'off the handle'....'explosively' etc. and all the while, them looking at you like 'WHAT? All I said was blahblahblah....' and me profusely apologizing and wondering whatthehell my problem was!<BR/><BR/>So....shoot me. If my biggest 'problem' is overreacting to creepy, evil behavior in an 'innapropriate' and 'bizarre' manner.....then it is ONLY because I am not convinced yet that THEY are the creeps....not me. As this year has gone by....as I have aligned myself with Truth...little by little..and seperated my self from Ns....Know what? My 'behaviour' seems to have 'settled down. I can trust myself to 'behave' in a 'normal' manner with 'normal' people. It actually comes pretty naturally to me. Well I'll be damned! Fancy that.<BR/><BR/>Recently, I chose to break NC with Nmom...due to a true emergency...and I feel like I did the RIGHT thing under the circumstances. Yes...I noticed all the same bullshit....but I RECOGNIZED it for what it was....I didn't 'overreact' because SHE is the creep....and was able to maintain a 'business-at-hand' demeanor and a pleasant, glazed and disinterested look on my face. Actually? It felt GOOD to know that I didn't get sucked in again....that MY knowing the difference between Right and Wrong, Good and Bad,...and the Truth....keeps my 'behavior' on an even keel.<BR/><BR/>And...yes....I am back to NC...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Thanks to all of you for your support and comments....and thank you, Anna for speaking the Truth and giving us all the information, experience, and wisdom to prepare ourselves. I feel more 'normal' than in all the years prior....and that is no small thing in the world I have lived.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-21212845782596150182009-01-11T03:42:00.000-07:002009-01-11T03:42:00.000-07:00I just posted this post on the wrong page, sorry- ...I just posted this post on the wrong page, sorry- !<BR/><BR/>omg- I dont think I can trust my husband. He recieved an email from his father on the 8th and didn't tell me- and he recieved one yesterday- I knew he was out of sorts yesterday he completely forgot how to get to were we were going in the car. I asked him again and again if he had had an email (he always goes funny when he has) he told me he had not. I checked his email this morning (its okay im not a snoop we each have each others passwords and are open with our accounts)he only addmited he had emails when I said there were two opened email in his account. He doesnt think the emails are relevant and thats why he didnt tell me. <BR/>I feel a bit sick- the emails are from his dad- the first one is an email full of inspirational quotes (he's venturing into business on his own) the second is encouragement also with ideas for what he could do and ideas how to pick up a bargain suit (sounds like his mum) the letters are addressed from 'dad'.<BR/>I dont know what to do- he thinks the emails are fine- but we both know his dad only does what he's told. I'm so confused- I am his families scape goat- and he's getting emails from his enabler dad and not telling me. I dont think he's going to be able to cut from his family-(he says he wants to , but doesnt want to move far away, we currently live 40mins from his sister) he enabled his mum to bully me for years, until I had our daughter and really put my foot down. Trouble is he doesn't care for his mum either it's his dad he's more attached to- his mum knows this. ARGHGHGHGH. <BR/><BR/>p.s that photo of the psycho made me jump out of my skin. <BR/><BR/>p.p.s this blog is a life saver, I feel like im being devoured by n's.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-18808830178143048372009-01-10T22:30:00.000-07:002009-01-10T22:30:00.000-07:00Anonymous Jan 10 8:00PM said..."I actually think t...Anonymous Jan 10 8:00PM said...<BR/><BR/>"I actually think that there is a genetic predisposition toward becoming and N or sociopath, and then life events will further deepen or lighten the traits."<BR/><BR/>You know, I have been wondering the same thing. I have done quite a bit of reading on NPD lately, having finally figured out a few months ago what is wrong with my N mom. Having been raised by this defective being, I am still exorcising my own N traits I have learned over the years of being her daughter. If I can recognize and modify my behavior, are others who are more "N" just not capable of change due to nature? I know Anna states we shouldn't obsess about the "why", but I'm wondering why I didn't become more like her. Do I have some innate BS meter?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-62486091209317933272009-01-10T20:00:00.000-07:002009-01-10T20:00:00.000-07:00Just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading the blog. ...Just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading the blog. There is some good material here. <BR/><BR/>I am about 8 or 9 years into NC with an N momster. I also have a brother who shows a lot of N traits - I did something to piss him off and so I have been banished from his kingdom. <BR/><BR/>I am at total peace with my decision to go NC. I do not miss the momster at all. I feel no bond with her- which I believe is because she was not someone who could form an appropriate emotional bond with a child. I spent many years thinking she had borderline personality disorder, but eventually I've found that N captures her essence much more accurately than BPD.<BR/><BR/>My N-trait brother and the N momster are quite similar in their temperament, whereas the other brother and I are like our dad. I actually think that there is a genetic predisposition toward becoming and N or sociopath, and then life events will further deepen or lighten the traits.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-49603376339770286712009-01-10T13:16:00.000-07:002009-01-10T13:16:00.000-07:00Anon 12:12 said - "We're on to you..."Anna - I lov...Anon 12:12 said - "We're on to you..."<BR/><BR/>Anna - I love and deeply appreciate this blog for many big reasons, but there is also the undeniable side benefit of realizing [with intense satisfaction] how HORRIFIED the N's would be if they knew we were comparing notes and outing their MO's, sharing strategies and otherwise trashing them, their smug confidence, and their idea that they are somehow "unique" - and the most idiotic, "superior". <BR/><BR/>It has the feel of an underground resistance movement, that the occupying forces have no idea exists... but wonder why their tricks don't seem to be working like they used to, or how their victims got the wherewithal to escape!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-71244620555731774242009-01-10T12:12:00.000-07:002009-01-10T12:12:00.000-07:00Anna wrote: "The word 'malignant' indicates the pr...Anna wrote: "The word 'malignant' indicates the predatory nature of someone who is full-blown NPD. It is a central feature of their character disorder. It is a stalking of their prey that earns them the synonym of 'evil' which is the word 'malignant'.<BR/><BR/>Kathy Krajco wrote: "For people as self-absorbed and seemingly uninterested in you as malignant narcissists are, they are very snoopy. They go through your drawers and papers. They are looking for dirt, and they are trying to find out if you're on to them. Hence, like all abusers, they often spy on and stalk their victims."<BR/><BR/>We're on to you...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-6471838647336967052009-01-10T11:01:00.000-07:002009-01-10T11:01:00.000-07:00http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorious_murde...http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorious_murders/mass/patrick_mackay/14.html<BR/><BR/>Hi All,<BR/><BR/>I found this picture of a psychopath in a rage. Chilling isn't it?<BR/><BR/>If you read the whole thing, one of the man's victims was a priest who felt that the right kind of friendship could help this man come around and he paid for it with his life. <BR/><BR/>Also,<BR/>it just serves to reiterate the point: THEY. NEVER. CHANGE.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-4727074132768638982009-01-10T08:16:00.000-07:002009-01-10T08:16:00.000-07:00I think you're right, Anna, that criminal fore...I think you're right, Anna, that criminal forensic science has pegged the malignant N, in a way that other branches of psychology seem to have totally missed. I am reading a fascinating book, "Written in Blood: A History of Forensic Detection," by Colin Wilson & Damon Wilson. Narcissism and NPD don't even appear in the index, but nevertheless the attributes are there, such as in the discussion of "Right Man Syndrome" in the chapter on serial killers, "The Soul of a Killer."<BR/><BR/>I have been musing and thinking a lot about malignant Ns. Sometimes it's hard to do anything about an N in your life, such as if you're the youthful child of an N parent, or if your boss is an N. It's very hard to go No Contact in those situations. I have a rebellious nature, and have throughout my life tended to go up against - to actively resist - Ns, such as my N parents, and in a job a few years ago, my N boss. I was the loser in those situations. MNs are about dominance - resistance only fuels their vengeance. It would have been better for me to simply lie low. It was with interest that I read of one serial killer in the Wilson book, "Resistance aroused all his violence. (Gerald Stano, we may recall, had the same characteristic: he killed only those girls who fought back.) In appearance, he was mild and self-effacing.... [but] when anyone opposed him, he was like a striking snake." <BR/><BR/>On an another note - <BR/> <BR/>I recently let myself be seduced (emotionally) by an N. A vampiric, seductive, sexy, romantic charmer. I was vulnerable. I totally knew better. Part of me, who has been following your blog and doing a lot of other reading, knew perfectly well that I should run the other way, with skid marks. <BR/><BR/>But I played along, and I have to say that for a time I loved it. I found creative parts of myself that I had long buried. I enjoyed the heightened emotions and frissons of excitement and tension. The relationship (longdistance, epistolary) has ended - he turned off the charm. (I'm guessing some fresh prey had come along on his end - who knows?) On New Years (no less) I faced up to the fact that he was stringing me along, and I resolved to go No Contact.<BR/><BR/>It's been 10 days now - going fine.<BR/>But what was it in me that made me total mush in the face of this man? It takes two to tango. I think I have to face that there is a masochistic streak in me - he's all about seduction, dominance and control. I allowed myself to be seduced even though I knew from jumpstreet that he was incapable of giving me genuine love & affection, that he is not capable of a mature, reciprocal love relationship.<BR/> <BR/>I think of the parasite whose life cycle depends on the victim/prey relationship between mice & cats. The parasite causes mice to suddenly find cats irresisitible (!), and they abandon their normal guard. The cat kills the mouse and ingests the parasite, which initiates the next phase of the parasite's life cycle.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, I feel like the mouse, and somehow a "parasite" part of my mind got the better of me. To keep myself strong as I continue my No Contact policy, I have been humorously admonishing myself - "Girl, don't let yourself be seduced by that cat - remember, you're a Mouse!" <BR/><BR/>Great blog, always food for thought here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com