tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post2924845308652290687..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: Watch Out for the Easy PathAnna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-4015864924112550992008-05-14T21:32:00.000-06:002008-05-14T21:32:00.000-06:00It makes me nervous for my father. Her refuses the...It makes me nervous for my father. Her refuses the idea of divorce. He also just doesn't understand all the anguish I went through being raised by my mother. Just stands by most of the time and now more often he is starting to take her side. Oh how I want him to leave and I am not too happy about what he has allowed to happen luckily for him I did not commit suicide I wonder what guilt he would have felt for that if any. <BR/><BR/>GarfieldAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-13541302643597994172007-10-29T12:54:00.000-06:002007-10-29T12:54:00.000-06:00I don't know why we continue to call these people ...I don't know why we continue to call these people parents when clearly they don't have the best interest of the child at heart.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-55411279390439165282007-10-25T08:20:00.000-06:002007-10-25T08:20:00.000-06:00My NM married the stereotypical postal worker who ...My NM married the stereotypical postal worker who would work so hard to not work. I'm sure there is mail buried in our backyard in NY. <BR/><BR/>She picked this guy because she knew he would enable her twisted reality. <BR/><BR/>I find that I have the same qualities as my father sometimes and I am working hard to change this behavior. Unlike them, I am brave and know there is a better way.<BR/><BR/>We have to remind ourselves that we can't be responsible for other people's happiness. Even parents can't make their children happy - only give them the support and tools to find it themselves. We didn't get that. Like children of old, who were born to help on the farm we were born to support the twisted needs of energy sucking vampires. We don't have to accept that role.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for bringing this up. I'm off to make my own new history and reality.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-3482528512720357032007-10-25T01:57:00.000-06:002007-10-25T01:57:00.000-06:00Anna,I agree with your point about the moral peril...Anna,<BR/><BR/>I agree with your point about the moral perils of hanging around conscience lacking, disordered adults. Either you capitulate, which means you participate or you run out of energy, which means that you will be forced to give in due to exhaustion.<BR/><BR/>I too had an abusive N mother, with a passive wimp for a father. However, I never really knew my father but I was always repulsed by him and he not only allowed my N mum to abuse me, but also sat there and backed my mother up when the child protective agency received a complaint about child abuse, allowing her to paint me as a "difficult" child. (I found this out years later, when questioning my father).<BR/><BR/>After recently getting to know my father for the first time as an adult, I decided that he is personality disordered and has all the characteristics of NPD without the aggression. Only he is passively aggressive. He is worse than my mother and what is making me literally sick to my stomach is realising that I had been conned by his innocent act, that I was under the impression that he was an honest man, when he is a lie. <BR/><BR/>I can assure you that he is as capable on his own of as much violence as my mother, as long as it is in a passive form, where he can stay blameless. <BR/><BR/>This has me questioning whether is is himself a narcissist, hiding behind my mother's blatant personality disfunction? <BR/><BR/>I also question whether someone who picks a partner with NPD and then does nothing to protect his/her own children, is not personality disordered to begin with?<BR/><BR/>CassandraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-41373465652488614792007-10-24T22:18:00.000-06:002007-10-24T22:18:00.000-06:00Anna - I want to say I totally agree with you abou...Anna - I want to say I totally agree with you about your father and other parents who condone the Narcissistic Parent against the child.<BR/><BR/>My late father never condoned, because he just wasn't there. I used to be very angry with him until I discovered he was the only child of an Nmother himself and was so mentally messed up he couldn't differentiate. He never did until a BRIEF moment after my Nmom passed on. And then he cried a lot. But I doubt he knew he was an ACON. Just things I heard from the family alerted me to this.<BR/><BR/>He tried to stop my Nmom many times - he just wasn't savvy to her manipulations or strong enough; because he himself was brought up to think that was acceptableAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-63828369674022444462007-10-24T22:06:00.000-06:002007-10-24T22:06:00.000-06:00Anon @ 8:49 PM,Your father is not what I was descr...Anon @ 8:49 PM,<BR/><BR/>Your father is not what I was describing in this post. Your father did things to protect you. Your dad deserves your compassion because he showed compassion for you. Naturally, he would not be able to control everything she did. But he was aware of what she was and didn't abandon you to your Nmom. He cared. My father did <I>nothing</I> to protect me from my mother. Nothing. He did not stay with her for the sake of his kids either. He is still with her after almost five decades. He is doing that for him. If he was staying with her "for the kids" he could have left her a quarter century ago. If I had <I>any</I> evidence of my father doing something to protect me from my mother I would adore him. I even confronted him with this fact of him doing nothing to protect me from my mother. He didn't say anything to contradict me. He only claimed he would "do things differently now". I know that is total bull shit because when he had a chance to prove that to be true he failed. Miserably. See my post on Thanksgiving 2002.<BR/><BR/>You have a father who obviously cares. He doesn't deserve to be labeled along with your mother as evil. I'm glad you don't.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-2348105682061766012007-10-24T20:49:00.000-06:002007-10-24T20:49:00.000-06:00Slightly different point of view...first I LOVE YO...Slightly different point of view...first I LOVE YOUR BLOG! It has helped me tremendously. I do have to say I have more compassion for my Dad. I guess I could be mad at him, but I feel that he protected us the best way he could. He simply could not stop HER, because she is unstoppable. My parents have been divorced for close to 25 years now. When I asked him why he stayed so long, he said "to protect you kids." Even though he couldn't control her, he stayed to help control her as much he could. Believe you me, his life was also a living hell. Sadly, both my brother and sister are NP's. My brother is so far gone he's off the deep end. My sister, I always felt stood a chance, though she has become my Mom's "GOLDEN CHILD" -- she's 40 now, and it's too bad she fell into the MOM's trap. I speak to neither my mother, my sister or my brother. The only one that makes me sad is my sister. I'm still working on that. I love my Dad and thank God I did have him. He couldn't control HER, but I think tried his best to protect us kids. He didn't succeed all the time. But I do think had he left, I would be in an insane asylum right now. And had he fought harder, she would've gotten even angrier and she would've hurt me even more. I was the scape goat. Plus, way back when, my Dad would have never been awarded custody. It just didn't happen in the 1960s and early 70s.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-74850457501857251102007-10-24T08:48:00.000-06:002007-10-24T08:48:00.000-06:00I have got to give credit to the last commenter. ...I have got to give credit to the last commenter. The "Dad" who was married to the NM. You, sir, deserve to be commended for having the backbone it needed to stand up to the N - your wife. Most will NOT make that choice because they are too afraid. They know somewhere inside of them what the consequences will be. The utter loss of everything. Because the N will never back down, will never be "wrong", is incapable of changing, and as in your case, will simply REPLACE you. The bitch. She never deserved you in the first place. I feel sorry for the new man. He will be utterly emasulated. <BR/><BR/>I am sorry for your pain at the betrayal and loss. The N's know how to inflict deep wounding on those they are supposed to love. But as you stated, it is only once you are emancipated that you are able to see more clearly and breathe more easily and get on a more healthy path. You are a rare one. Thank you for writing in. And Anna, once again, thank you for this blog where we can all gain perspective and sanity.Cathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04146169503042368869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-61089697773090954002007-10-23T20:31:00.000-06:002007-10-23T20:31:00.000-06:00I was the "Dad" character in this post. I was goin...I was the "Dad" character in this post. I was going down the path of "go along to get along" and getting more twisted up as time went on. Problem was that as time went on and the MN increased in my wife I put up with less and less of it. What that got me was a new boyfriend for my wife, a divorce and the loss of my family unit. I guess I ceased providing enough narcissistic supply.<BR/><BR/>I struggled with all of it for a few years but I now realize what emancipation it was and thankful that God released me from an ugly path. Great post!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-35687293266621027802007-10-23T19:31:00.000-06:002007-10-23T19:31:00.000-06:00Great post Anna. I think my depressed father used ...Great post Anna. I think my depressed father used me as a shield to protect himself from my N mother. He was a damaged soul before he entered the marriage, I'm sure, but his aquiescence to her abuse helped him along the dark path he chose....Lupitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13301549098420850380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-74406494594302688462007-10-23T12:26:00.000-06:002007-10-23T12:26:00.000-06:00Thanks for all the great comments here. I wish I ...Thanks for all the great comments here. I wish I could respond to all of them, but I am currently buried under an avalanche of things in real life here. It is great to see that so many of you get what I described. Bad character is contagious. Make excuses for it and invite soul-rot. <BR/><BR/><I>"The greatest want of the world is the want of men,--men who will not be bought or sold; men who in their inmost souls are true and honest; men who do not fear to call sin by its right name; men whose conscience is as true to duty as the needle to the pole; men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall."</I>Education, p. 57 by E.G. WhiteAnna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-32773527383111348652007-10-23T08:42:00.000-06:002007-10-23T08:42:00.000-06:00I am writing first off to give a big thanks to Ann...I am writing first off to give a big thanks to Anna: great blog. Amazingly well written and well expressed points. I got here by googling 'narcissist sister'. I had been trying in vain to find information online about family members besides parents who act narcissistically: thank you for providing! I had tried things like "adult sibling abuse" and just came up empty time and again in terms of what I was looking for. I feel like I struck the nest here though. <BR/><BR/>The point you make here is one that I've really never seen addressed in books: the eventual mounting collateral damage that corrupts every family member who refuses to see the N as destructive and instead puts pressure on others join in appeasing the N. <BR/><BR/>Since I mostly had only the one N parent, the pressure to appease and submit came from sib's instead of another parent. Now that the N parent has been dead for years, I have been forced to admit what I never wanted to see: my fellow victims have really morphed into destructive people themselves from all those years of false beliefs and letting their psychological integrity be undone by compromise and appeasements. <BR/><BR/>It is a Faustian bargain: there is a long term cost to those short term benefits gotten by collaborating with the oppressor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-8061270264158564712007-10-23T08:09:00.000-06:002007-10-23T08:09:00.000-06:00Amen to what Anna wrote, and the comments here. I'...Amen to what Anna wrote, and the comments here. I've come to terms with my N mother. But I don't know if I ever will with my accomplice father. It doesn't help that he died more than 20 years ago and absolutely everyone in my family regards him as a saint.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-3164305738814533152007-10-22T23:59:00.000-06:002007-10-22T23:59:00.000-06:00All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is t...All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.<BR/> Edmund BurkeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-46572433949639677332007-10-22T22:28:00.000-06:002007-10-22T22:28:00.000-06:00you've described my fil to a tee.for years all he'...you've described my fil to a tee.<BR/><BR/>for years all he's had to say is, "this is my wife, and i'm standing by her.", when asked how he could let her get away with the things she has said & done. funny thing is, my dh isn't allowed to stand up for me according to them. i have "brainwashed" him against them, and i've "controlled" him to defend me. yeah.<BR/><BR/>bwahahahahahaha!!<BR/><BR/>thanks anna, wonderful post.<BR/><BR/>h.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-60457367327152159652007-10-22T19:11:00.000-06:002007-10-22T19:11:00.000-06:00People do not realize how contagious evil really i...People do not realize how contagious evil really is, or how all pervasive it becomes over time.<BR/><BR/>There is no such thing as "peaceful coexistence" with an abuser. All there is... is the slow, inexorable process of engulfment and assimilation.<BR/><BR/>C.S. Lewis captured the end result of this process horrifyingly well in "That Hideous Strength" when he described the senior managers at N.I.C.E.; but those of us who had a narcissistic, abusive parent and were left undefended by an enabling parent don't need to read Lewis. We've had a ringside seat at the slow disintegration of a soul.Stormchildhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05039949137714076734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82809016873423777792007-10-22T17:28:00.000-06:002007-10-22T17:28:00.000-06:00I never had a category to put my father into. I n...I never had a category to put my father into. I now do. You described it/him beautifully. Thank you.Cathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04146169503042368869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-87015639182676302772007-10-22T17:09:00.000-06:002007-10-22T17:09:00.000-06:00Dear Anna,My husband, who is loving, supportive an...Dear Anna,<BR/><BR/>My husband, who is loving, supportive and very smart, is having a hard time understanding why I blame my ennabler Dad more than my N-Mom. <BR/><BR/>My Dad has always been the "good parent." When I asked him to defend me against my abusive mother, he just shrugged helplessly and said he couldn't do anything about it. When she started shouting and screaming, he would leave and go to the office and work late. And my brother and I were left alone with her.<BR/><BR/>For most of my life, I've felt sorry for poor old Dad. But now I realize that he always had a choice. He still has a choice . . . and the choice he's living with is rejecting me and my little family, his only grandchildren, because I will no longer act as my mother's servant and sycophant.<BR/><BR/>He has become childlike, accusatory and bitter. He believes nonsensical things because my mother says them. He has been completely taken over. Sometimes I still feel grief on his behalf, because if he'd married a different woman, he would have been a good man with a decent life. And I pity him, because he and she are becoming very strange together . . . they have both bought into her odd version of reality.<BR/><BR/>But most of all I'm angry, because he's nothing like a father is supposed to be. And I can't help envying people who have normal, loving fathers. At least my husband is a good father to my chidren. I get a lot of pleasure seeing their wonderful relationship. At the same time, it makes me aware of what I never had.<BR/><BR/>L.E.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-39218540286589009872007-10-22T11:31:00.000-06:002007-10-22T11:31:00.000-06:00Yes, you become like them. Hanging around certainl...Yes, you become like them. Hanging around certainly is one way to do that. "Lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas".So, what IS in a heart?https://www.blogger.com/profile/00482423451947167280noreply@blogger.com