Showing posts with label Mother's Day Sucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mother's Day Sucks. Show all posts

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Tweaking Mom with Origins of Mother's Day

It was around two years before my mother pulled the stunt that precipitated my decision to cut her out of my life. The year 2000 thereabouts. The process of my emotional distancing from her had embarked on its final stages in 1998 after an event where I was forced to fully acknowledge to myself that my mother was hopelessly chilish and selfish, controlling and sinisterly manipulative, a big, fat liar and dangerous.

Mother's Day was coming and I was feeling very pressured. I had reached the point where I could see that none of the Mother's Day cards applied to my mother. Combine that fact with how she had been ratcheting up her expectations for gifts on Mother's Day year by year. Now she was habitually providing "clues" as to what she would like to get for Mother's Day. She would issue the gift list in such a way as it was supposed that she was simply expressing, wistfully, the things she wanted. We would be out at the mall, or she'd be looking at catalogs, or simply during the course of a conversation. Or, annoyingly enough, she would openly covet my or my sister's possessions and threaten to take them! We would often buy her what we had just so we could keep what we had. Mom's wish list was an ever-lengthening one. We were told we should appreciate how easy she was making it for us to "get it right".

She had castigated my sister a year earlier for not sending her a Mother's Day card. Sister was told, "I want a card on Mother's Day!" "But, Mom" protested my sister, "I sent you a lovely gift, remember?!" Mom is shameless and undeterred. "Cards are not optional." Mom then assumed her sickly saccharine and slightly girlish tone, "I have a special box I put all my cards in. Then I go back from time to time to re-read them. It makes me happy to look at them. I love cards, and I expect to get them on Mother's Day."

Whew, boy. That got my goat. I realize now that her box of cards was a supply source to my mother. She would go back and read all these cards that describe other people's mothers...certainly not ours...and pat herself on the back for being wonderful. All I knew at that time is that she took the last smidgen of pleasure out of giving her cards and gifts on Mother's Day because it now stipulated that it was OUR DUTY to do so. She was quick to chastise and complain when we didn't perform up to her standards.

In this rather pissy mood I was having to figure out what to do for Mother's Day all the while hating the fact that it was such an onerous task. I was seeing her for the petulant, demanding and bratty bitch she really is and wasn't keen on giving her what she was insisting was hers by right.

I got a bit cheeky.

Okay, before I get to the cheeky part, a little bit of background on my mother's mental paradigm. Many years ago she started being attracted to conspiracy theories after getting her hands on the book, "Fourth Reich of the Rich". This was 1980 or so. I have mentioned her penchant for conspiracy theories in one or two other posts. What I haven't mentioned yet was how her descent into paranoid conspiracy theories went along with a keen interest in finding all the pagan origins of the various holidays that we observe today. (No, she isn't a Jehovah's Witness.) The pagan origins of Christmas was her favorite thing to go on and on about. Santa is one evil little demon in her estimation. Anyone that jolly, cheerful and generous must be evil, right? Heh.

The pagan roots of Christmas did present a dilemma for her because she loves Christmas. She decorates like Martha Steward on steroids. She can't resist putting up that 'pagan' tree each and every year and decorating it in Better Homes and Gardens style. It takes her hours and hours just to find the perfect tree...and then more hours and hours to decorate it. She must have her huge Christmas Eve feast ala Mexican food which requires hours and hours of cooking and preparation. Everything is done from scratch and all authentic-like. How does she justify going all out on this most pagan (in her estimation) of holidays? She Jesus-ifies it. As spiritual head of the family (and anyone else in her circle of 'friends') she is single-handedly sanctifying Christmas. I don't think she succeeds in putting Jesus back into Christmas, but she sure as hell thinks she does. I won't go into how she Jesus-ifies Christmas...at least, not in this post. Suffice it to say she is convinced that, in her house, Christmas has been unpaganified. Yeah, I just made that word up. She can have her cake and eat it too with a wave of her magic wand. Christmas has been used by her for decades to milk huge quantities of supply from her family and her satellite audience. She MUST have Christmas despite her condemnation of its pagan roots.

Back to Mother's Day. So what did I, in my annoyed state, do? I created some vapid little card on my computer. I wasn't in any mood to go to Hallmark that year. Then I did a search on the Internet...it had occurred to me that perhaps Mother's Day had some of its own pagan roots. I hit the motherlode. Heh. I then found the article I thought best summed up the pagan origins of Mother's Day and printed it out on some nice, purty stationery. It was kinda like wrapping up a dog turd with wrapping paper and ribbon. I folded it up and slid it inside her Mother's Day card. "Happy Pagan Mother's Day, ya bitch." That was the covert message.

I knew it would only accomplish one thing. If I rubbed the pagan origins of Mother's Day in my mom's face, I knew it would not have the effect of convincing her we should leave off commemorating the day. I had Christmas to amply prove that pagan origins mean nothing when gifts and attention are on the line. I knew I would only succeed in sending her my covert message of discontent. Can't say my exercise did much good except as an exercise for me. I was flexing my full autonomy muscles. I was practicing rebellion toward her rules of subservience and worship. In that sense, I suppose it paid off in the end.

I was amused by my little act of rebellion. I was further amused by her not mentioning one word about it. I let a little time go by. She eventually brought up her Mother's Day gift that I had given her. It was my opening. "What did you think of that interesting information I sent on the pagan origins of Mother's Day?" I asked in my most light and casual voice accompanied with an interested smile. "Oh", she shrugged, "it was interesting." Only, the way she said it I knew it wasn't interesting. Zero enthusiasm. Not her usual reaction when we get on the happy topic of pagan roots. I cheerfully continued, "I knew you'd think so! I know how interested you are in the pagan origins of things, so I wanted to pass that along to you." She dropped the subject by switching to a completely different topic. I knew that meant she hated what I did. I smiled internally and patted myself on the back. Message received.

The point to this post? I'm not sure there is one. It is just an anecdote that is only possibly interesting given the season of Mother's Day. So, there ya go, I shared it. It is memories like this that make my freedom on this holiday especially sweet. My mother received three more Mother's Day gifts after this one. Three more cards picked off the general section...where you'd find a card for a nice old lady you barely know. I guess she has to go to her box of saved cards in order to get through this day now.

For the record, I believe that honoring a good mother on Mother's Day is a nice thing to do. The day is what you make of it. The day is resurrected to its pagan origins when applied to the narcissist mother who demands the day be a day of obeisance and service to her 'holiness'. So, yeah, in that sense the day can be equated with whatever pagan associations its past contains.

Apparently some modern day 'goddesses' would like to remind us of the pagan origins of the day...a day to worship Gaia. Motha Earth. Click here.

A short overview of the origins of the day can be found here. This one is very similar to the info I sent my mother.

There are lots of people out there who believe in every delicious conspiracy theory that comes along. I would guess that most of them are not narcissists. But I suspect the more paranoid Ns are often attracted to conspiracy theories if they catch wind of them. If you have someone who pummels you with conspiracy theories to the point where you start thinking it might be true, or you simply want to pinch their heads off, you may find Jon Ronson's book, "Them: Adventures with Extremists" to be helpful. I put a link to it in the sidebar. I heard this guy interviewed some weeks back and then read an article by Ronson on his visit to the Bohemian Grove. (If you know anything about conspiracy theories then you've heard about The Grove and their supposed worship of the Owl God.) This book is the result of extensive time spent with various and widely philosophically divergent extremist groups. As different as many of these groups are from each other they have something in common. They all seem to believe in similar conspiracy theories about the Illuminati, the Bilderbergers, Skull and Bones, etc. If you're in need of a look at these theories through fresh eyes, Ronson is your guy. He came out the other side of his investigation still not a believer. Although he got close at one point. Funny story. He is better known for his humorist writing...now he has applied that humor to a rather dark subject. I've been unpleasantly surprised from time to time when a fellow church member starts whispering to me about the Illuminati and Freemasons, etc. Before this book, I would resist rolling my eyes before telling them I've been hearing this stuff for decades. I usually know more than they do on it (thanks, mom). They are baffled when they see I don't believe in "them". I'm grateful for this resource so I can more effectively shove a little reality back at them. If you believe in "them", gosh darn, sorry about this paragraph. Check out the book anyway. It could simply be more proof of how much effort "they" will go to in order to convince us "they" don't exist. Ronson is likely one of THEM.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

On a Tear: More Comments on Evil Mothers

From "Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers":

She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime.

At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist:

An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation to achieve a result.

The word most often is applied in a political sense, but how is what the narcissist mother does to her children not the acts of a terrorist? "Violence, terror and intimidation". Heaping servings are dished out to the offspring of a narcissist mother. Daily fare. Routine.

To mention the routine-ness of the terrorizing is not in any way to diminish its horrid effects. It simply serves to underline what the grown children of a narcissist parent has survived. It is no small thing to survive the parenting, aka terrorizing, of the malignant narcissist. It is an achievement. A triumph of the human spirit.

Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared.

Here is described the demand of the narcissist mother that you assume a total submissive posture toward her at all times. "You might be spared." There is no way to be completely safe from the rage of the narcissist.

Sam Vaknin describes the two postures you can take in dealing with a narcissist. The submissive posture and conflictive one. When he concludes his comments on what the submissive posture will require from you, he says this:

It is an onerous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells. Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether. Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator. No matter how domesticated, Nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser's next meal.

Again, I only quote Vaknin when I know from my personal experience and observation that he is correctly describing something. This is one of those times. If you proceed to read his comments on the "conflictive posture" of dealing with a narcissist you come out at the end realizing that he is telling you something very important. Whether you submit or resist, living with a narcissist is not worth the effort you have to put into it. They are irredeemable, intractable, predatory. No matter your approach, the narcissist will manage to get some blows in.

What I find very interesting whenever I have read Vaknin prescribing going no contact he issues the strictest of orders. He is being helpful on this account as well. There is no way to allow even the slightest bit of contact with a malignant narcissist and have "no contact" remain in place. The lack of contact must be absolute and unappealable.

Back to the reality that narcissist mothers terrorize their own children. On what planet should such a mother be applauded, 'honored', bequeathed with gifts? Can we see that to do so is to dishonor good mothers? What is the point of honoring a good mother when evil mothers are accorded the same accolades? Can anyone else see how this makes Mother's Day into a mockery?? Is there ever any safe contact with a terrorist, even on this High Holy Day of Mothers? Highly doubtful.

I realize that some of my readers had a narcissist father instead of a mother. I think you can see how much of what applies to the N mom also applies to the N dad. I didn't have a N dad therefore I speak about N moms. On occasion, as I read from message boards online I see there is a general ignorance of even the existence of narcissist mothers. So I make no apology of putting extra emphasis on this type of parent. There is still too little recognition of the reality that there are malignant narcissist mothers out there. N mothers have some very different tactics that they employ against their children. Her game is often much more subtle than the N father. Hence, she often escapes the scrutiny of the general public. Come Mother's Day we who have N mothers are assailed with the multiplicity of expectations that demand we pretend the terrorist mother we have had all our lives is, ultimately, our 'holy' mother deserving of at least some credit.

I am rebelling. Publicly rebelling.

This kind of cruel and evil mother deserves no credit. She donated an egg. Big deal. After that, she assumed my life was hers to consume at will. I was not even granted the right to be a separate human being. I was simply granted status to be an alternate life source to her majesty. My mother has more in common with Elizabeth of Bathory than anyone would care to admit. She simply lacked the power and opportunity to fully express the evil she was capable of. Do I give her credit for that? Does she earn some kind of "good mother" credits because she didn't abuse me more simply because she lacked a way to get away with it? No, not anymore.

I know there are well-intentioned folks out there who think I am wandering from being a "good" Christian by defying Mother's Day. So be it. I do not believe that Hallmark or the government has been given the authority of Heaven to saint a day for mothers. Duh.

I know with all certainty that honoring evil has never been commanded of the Christian. Call me unbiblical if you will...I know the truth of it. I know that my mother is not my Creator. All due honor goes to Him. She, because of her evil actions, gets her duly earned dishonor. I am not dishonoring her. She has dishonored herself. I am simply recognizing that fact. The only honor I am left to give her is her anonymity. I have sheltered her from public exposure. You do not know who she is. You may meet her tomorrow, but you'll never know that you have. Therefore, she is not truly exposed here on my blog. I am describing EveryEvilMother. Not an individual. So, in a very real sense, I have protected her. That is the only 'honor' I am left to bequeath to her.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Narcissist Mothers Suck


I need to put in a clear disclaimer at the outset of this post. I love motherhood. In fact, I am someone who thinks there is no more important job in the world than being a mother. It is my deep, sincere respect for the high office of motherhood that motivates me to highlight the fact that there are mothers out there who have more in common with a serial killer than with true motherhood. These monsters who clothe themselves with the sacerdotal cloth of motherhood while terrorizing the fruit of her womb are worthy of no honor on this day set aside to thank good and decent mothers. Yes, I know very well that all mothers make mistakes. We could never honor any mother if the qualifications for honor were that she never have made any mistakes in raising her young. I don't believe in perfect motherhood. I do believe that good and decent mothers make mistakes, but she more than makes up for them by the fact that she unfailingly loves her children and puts their best interests ahead of her own.

That being said...

I keep thinking these last several days that I should continue on the theme of horrendously rotten and evil narcissist mothers in this run up to the Day of Days. There just isn't enough rotten mother bashing out there this time of year.

I want to be that place.

The place where people can come to ritually poop on the hallowed altar of Worshipful Motherhood. A place to cleanse yourself of the saccharine sweetness of pretense which assumes every mother is worthy of accolades and wreaths and undying adoration. Should you refuse to bequeath honors upon your narcissist mother on this High Holy Day you make yourself into a personification of ingratitude in the eyes of the ignorant.

I don't blame the ignorant for their ignorance on this matter. In fact, there is something kind of innocent and sweet about them. They had a mother who truly loved them. How can they conceptualize a mother who is the complete inverse of good motherhood? What precedent could they use to pattern your mother after? Only fictional ones. Which is why they think these mothers only live in fiction. Therefore, you are making it up. Only the children who have witnessed the evil mother behind closed doors...the only place where her true evil was on full display...can attest to the existence of the soul-sucking mother who actually hates her children. Don't despise the innocent folk who were blessed with loving mothers. In fact, try to shelter these innocents from the truth of your mother. They are not equipped to handle what you know. Spare them when possible. Your mother is the stuff of nightmares. Don't foist those nightmares on the innocent if you can avoid doing so.

Only narcissist mothers demand that Mother's Day be a day to worship them. Which is why I call it Worshipful Mother's Day. The narcissist mother doesn't want sincere affection, sincere gifts, sincere thank yous. No, they want worship. As I've said before, truly good mothers don't demand attention on this day. But the malignant narcissist mother knows somewhere in her evil heart that she must demand the appearance of such things because she hasn't earned them. The truth is, appearances are all she wants. Genuineness is completely lost on her. The narcissist is consumed by appearances therefore they are incapable of appreciating the genuine.

The evil mother feels that society itself has lent its considerable influence and imprimatur to compel her children to honor her dishonorableness. She is more than happy to exploit the shame which will come upon disobedient children who refuse to bring their annual sacrifice to her altar on her day. You see, to the narcissist mother Mother's Day has the force of the government behind it. She believes that Mother's Day is like a blue law. She believes worship of her on this day is compelled by the highest powers-that-be. On this day, she is not the lawbreaker. You are. She deserves honor on this day because Gub'ment sez so. Never mind all the laws of goodness, morality and true motherhood she has broken over the years. On this special day to her Worshipful Honor her lawbreaking is set aside. You become the lawbreaker on this day should you withhold from her whatever she demands. At least, that is how she reckons it.

This is childish and legalistic thinking. In other words, this is just more of the same narcissist crap thinking piled higher and deeper.

We need to, at this point, differentiate between truly honoring ones parent(s) as commanded by the Bible and this idea that on one day a year you can fulfill your obligation in that regard. Truly honoring your parent doesn't include honoring them in their evil. I've discussed this in my two posts on the fifth commandment. Conversely, you can't fulfill that commandment by dishonoring your parent 364 days a year and then make up for it all on Mother's Day. Can we just remember that for most of human history there has been no such day as Mother's Day? If Mother's Day was intrinsic to "honor thy mother..." don't you think that God Himself would have handed down the command to set up such a day from Sinai? He didn't. So can we separate out Mother's Day and Father's Day from the command to "honor thy father and mother..."?? The Hallmark holidays have nothing whatsoever to do with truly honoring ones parents. In fact, I think a case could be made that setting up these two holidays have done more to trivialize how we honor good mother and fatherhood than to elevate our conceptions of these important roles.

What I'm trying to drive home in this post is that the narcissist mother demands a caricature of honor on Mother's Day. Caving into every whim and demand of a narcissist on Mother's Day is by no means a true demonstration of honor. There is no honor in giving honor to dishonor. Ever. I want it crystal clear that the narcissist mother goes way beyond demanding "honor". She demands worship. And that conflicts with the first commandment, "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me."

The only law you break when you abdicate from Worshipful Mother's Day is the law of the lawbreaker herself. I can live with that.

Icon credit.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Approach of Worshipful Mother's Day

The pitty-pat of the approach of Mother's Day in the U.S. is even now discernible. A month away, I'm sure some of you are starting to feel the creeping dread rise up in your throat. Your stomach sinks; your heart squeezes in the vise-grip of expectations of family and society-at-large to bequeath honor on the dishonorable. At the other end of whatever I end up writing here today, I'll direct you to my ode to evil mothers written last year since I'm not sure I have anything better to say on it. Let me stop for a moment here and tap into my internal rage and see if anything else comes up.

Ummmm, ummmmmnnn. This coffee is too good--it's put me in my happy place.

Perhaps I'll recount for you part of a conversation with my husband yesterday. We were discussing the comment that I dealt with this last week here and here. Hubby brought up the presumption of the commenter that I was selfishly motivated as well as the implication that I had casually tossed away my relationship with my N mother.

My husband said, "I don't think people with poor imaginations (like that commenter) can even begin to conceptualize how difficult it was for you. You agonized over how to deal with your mother. I watched you struggle. I saw your intense distress over what to do about your relationship with your mother. I saw you do everything you could to try to repair the relationship without surrendering your integrity. I saw her reject your efforts. Ultimately, your mother forced you to make the decision to cut her off from you and your family, but it was not something you did quickly or easily. There was no glee in you in cutting her off. It became an obvious necessity after several years of agonizing and effort to salvage some kind of relationship with her. For much of that time you knew nothing about malignant narcissism. You simply knew something was terribly wrong."

There you have a snippet of outside observation of my attitude and behavior in dealing with my malignantly narcissistic mother. I hope you haven't mistaken my firm resolve and clarity of thought and opinion as being the place I started from. I struggled, I cried, I shook in fear, I lost many nights of sleep, I suffered physically, I spent long hours in thought, I studied, I truly did agonize.

This blog represents the outcome of all that pain and difficulty. What I have hoped to accomplish here is shortening someone else's trip through this land mine ridden emotional territory. I have hoped to help you see things from the vantage point of victory over the tyranny of narcissists to give you hope and resolve to make the hard decisions; to give you something solid to hang your faith on that it'll be better on the other side. I have come out the other side with no regrets and with my integrity firmly in place. Good people want to do the right thing so they can live with a clear conscience. I think I have had something to share on that account.

I stopped surrendering my morals and my intelligence to the narcissist. My conscience is clear. My life is my own. Here, on this blog, I have shared with you my hard earned strength, acquired wisdom, and experience with the desire that, if necessary, you can borrow from me in order to proceed toward freedom in your own life. My hope has been to share with you the principles that guided my thinking so that you can shape your own thinking and make these good outcomes your own. So you too can have a guilt-free as well as a narcissist-free life...and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

I think most of you have active enough imaginations to grasp the concept that I have wrestled, battled, and fought with myself and my upbringing in order to get to the place of peace I now live in. It was my desperate clinging to truth, i.e. reality, that brought me out into the light. Being a Christian, I had to examine each issue carefully within the framework of morality. I have shared my discoveries there as well. I can tell you will absolute certitude that without my understanding of the gospel I think I would have wandered interminably in the wilderness of slavery to the narcissists in my life. I don't think it is obvious to many why that would be...but, it is true nonetheless.

When I started on the road that eventually led to my no longer having someone I call 'mother', I didn't even begin to envision that outcome. I certainly never imagined no longer having my father in my life. In fact, I desperately didn't want to lose my father in the process of trying to hold my mother to account for her bad treatment of my own daughter. Even though I didn't want to lose my father, I didn't make that desire my guiding principle. I had to be willing to risk losing him to do right by my mother, and to do right by my own family and myself...ultimately to God. I knew what I was risking when I decided to take a stand against my mother's predations of the weaker members of our family. As much as I didn't want to lose the favor and love of my father, I didn't let that desire over rule the course integrity should take.

Alas, my narcissist-appeasing father made his own choice. He made it clear he didn't want me if I wasn't willing to continue to quietly stand by whenever my mother decided to eat a family member. Was there no struggle with the possibility of losing my father forever because I had decided to no longer wink and nod when my mother cannibalized her family? Of course there was. It was another dark struggle I contended with.

There are terribly hard choices one has to make when deciding to hold a narcissist to account for their evil behavior. To hold that narcissist to account is most likely going to lead you to the realization you can't safely keep them in your life anymore. This can lead to what seems like dire outcomes when you're talking about a narcissist family member. You will very likely lose other family members. In the beginning that can seem like too high a price to pay. For some, it likely is too high of a price. For many of us, freedom of mind, body and soul is well worth the cost in the long run. Yeah, the long run is where the benefits are reaped. The short term is painful and costly. Ultimately, each person has to decide what they value most. For me...that is freedom. Moral, intellectual, spiritual, emotional freedom. Priceless.

To read my ode to bad mothers on Mother's Day, click here.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mother's Day and Your Narcissist Mom

Holidays and narcissists. Ripe opportunities for them to grand stand, hold you hostage due to "custom", and generally make your life completely miserable. For those of us with malignantly narcissist mothers I am convinced Mother's Day is the worst holiday of the year.

Narcissist mothers have a death grip on the day. They cling to the expectations of recognition, praise, gifts and adulation with tenacious zeal. This is the day you have to "honor" her. A whole day set aside by the culture itself which means if you don't please your mother on this Day of all days you risk the disapproval of society itself, in addition to your petulant, selfish and bratty mother's persecutions. She makes full use of the pressure of society to conform you to ritual.

Pleasing her on this day is the trickiest of endeavors. Land mines are set for your feet. One miss step and the whole day blows up in your face...and you will be tortured for your failure for months to come. Mother's Day is coming and you are waking up in a cold sweat as to how to do enough to please your bitch of a mother while all you want to do is run to another continent so you don't have to face the obligations this day represents.

Can we stop right here? Mother's Day was not a day to "celebrate" abusive, selfish and evil mothers. It is a day set aside to honor truly good mothers. If your mother is the kind that inspires dread of Mother's day then can you just stop for a minute and realize she deserves no such honor? When you "honor" such a mother as yours it really cheapens the meaning of the day, wouldn't you say? You're an adult now. You can make decisions without asking for mommy's approval. You can do things she positively hates and there is nothing she can really do about it. If she misbehaves because you give her what she deserves then punish her. Punishment by banishment. That is what she deserves.

The only way to get free of the tyranny of your narcissistic mother is to first free yourself of the expectations of society. You have to be willing to endure a disapproving look or statement here or there from people who don't know anything about your life with an abusive mother. You can ease this process by keeping your relationship with your mother mostly to yourself. Don't confide in people who haven't already shown that they would be able to "get" what your narcissist mother is like. You'll have to put up with a lot less disapproval if you mostly keep your mouth shut.

The next step, after you've freed yourself to go against societal convention, is to now act in accordance with how you feel about her. Give her what she deserves on this day. That means different things to different persons and situations. If you don't break out into a sweat in the card section of Hallmark, then by all means, send her a card. If you can't endure the thought of Mother's Day because of what she turns it into no matter what you do...then what she deserves is nothing.

Something I hate about narcissist mothers and this High Holy Day for Mothers is how they never, ever consider that their daughters are now mothers too. I think Mother's Day should be more about those mothers who are still in the mode of day-to-day mothering than those whose birds have all flitted from the nest. Not that older mothers aren't deserving of recognition. Let me try to explain. For example. When my daughter is out on her own and is a mother herself I will not be sitting around waiting for her to dump all her responsibilities at home in order to take me out to dinner, go shopping, or spend money she may not have on me. Since I will have lots of time because I'm no longer raising children, I will pick up the phone and wish her a happy Mother's Day. I will send her a gift, or flowers, or take her out to dinner if geography allows. I will honor someone who is currently mothering her children and not lay piles of expectations for a young mother to accommodate my ego like I've earned some kind of Queen status, like stroking my ego should supersede her life with her own children and husband.

I don't have an mother ego to stroke. A mother's job is to raise her children so they turn into competent and independent adults. If I succeeded at that, then I was only doing what the job required. I shouldn't expect a monument to be built in my name because I did my job. Which is why, when grown children honor a good mother it is truly a gift to her. Not a requirement like taxes. Their kindnesses on this day are not my due. They are a gift. To receive those kindnesses in any other way is to take away the beauty of your children trying to give you something. It spoils and tarnishes the meaning of the gift and turns it into obligation. I don't know about you, but I don't want obligation to be the motivation for my daughter doing something on my behalf. I want to know she did it of her own free will because she loves me. That is the highest gift. Something a narcissist is incapable of appreciating.

The difference between a good mother's attitude and a narcissist mother's attitude about her children is this: a good mother realizes she bears the responsibility of bringing a life into the world and must do everything she can to support and add to that life, not subtract from it. The N mother sees her children as a perpetual resource to support her life. They are there to serve her. To her dying day. A N mother's children are never allowed to actually own their lives. She always holds the deed to their lives and forces them to pay rent on that deed all their miserable lives. A good mother doesn't subtract from her children's lives; she makes sure her actions add quality and happiness to her children's lives. There is no point when a good mother feels entitled to subtract from their lives. She forever bears the responsibility that she brought them into this world therefore she never feels like she can mooch off of a life that didn't get a choice for being born. A N mother turns motherhood from a responsibility to a God-like position. I brought you into this world, so you owe me. She, as your Creator God, exacts worship and obeisance forever and ever, amen. Completely upside down thinking which springs from their utterly selfish world view.

Save Mother's Day for the good mothers out there. Don't cheapen the day by paying homage to a black caricature of motherhood. Be honest with yourself and live honestly with others.