tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post7301652175065079198..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: No Contact: Because Their Evil is ContagiousAnna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-71571149920743226192017-07-07T17:05:10.526-06:002017-07-07T17:05:10.526-06:00Narcissists, because of what they are, will give y...Narcissists, because of what they are, will give you plenty of grounds for divorce. Lie, cheat, steal are their modus operandi. Pay attention and you'll find your grounds...Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-37911086591284378912017-07-07T16:28:53.229-06:002017-07-07T16:28:53.229-06:00What if the narcissist is your spouse? Is it grou...What if the narcissist is your spouse? Is it grounds for divorce so you can remove yourself from evil?Cindyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17203141000601991077noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-5430273684071135122016-12-18T19:23:53.182-07:002016-12-18T19:23:53.182-07:00Thanks for sharing your story here, Lisa. It will...Thanks for sharing your story here, Lisa. It will help lead others to light and freedom. I can relate to every word. <br /><br />All the best and be well,<br />AnnaAnna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-14851081173348030702016-12-18T10:48:43.945-07:002016-12-18T10:48:43.945-07:00"Never cutting them off allows the evil doer ..."Never cutting them off allows the evil doer to feel justified in what they are and in what they do." Oh jeez, did I ever need to read this today. I've tried unsuccessfully to go no contact with my malignant narcissistic, once-physically/ always verbally/psychologically/mentally/even spiritually abusive mother several times in the past: Once after she kicked me out of the house at 19, once last year at age 39, and now for the final time at age 40. This time I did it like I mean it, because I do. Sent good-bye letter certified mail (since it's the only way to be "heard" by her, whatever that means), changed phone number, blocked her on social media, and marked her email account as spam. And you know what else I did that I hadn't done before? EXPOSED her treacherous self via another letter to a loving mother figure in my life who has no idea what happened to us kids. We'll see how it goes. It's funny. I can spot a "Mom"-esque person a mile away and my guard goes up until they lose interest or I cut them out quickly with no regrets, but it took me 40 precious years to cast out the greatest evil doer I've ever been close to.<br /><br />But what is most nauseating is what happened to my brother as I sat by in stunned, complicit silence. To say he was scapegoated in recent years is an understatement, although in our house growing up I was the scapegoat a while when he was the Golden Child and vice versa, etc. It is sobering and justifiably shaming to me to finally see that my inertia was an accomplice to evil. What a fool, a simpleton, indeed I've been. And stubborn. That why sites like yours and Sister Renee's are so vitally important to not only victims but to the average sitting duck out there who doesn't know the evil that may someday lurk around their corner in the form of NPD. And do you guys know how long it took me to finally say, yes, my mother is seized by plain, ol' evil? Forever. It's really hard to admit, but if I hadn't done it I'd still be party to it. No thanks.<br /><br />But I'm not only exposing her for me and my bro (who went no contact with me years ago and I don't blame him), I'm doing it for my stepdad. She is horribly verbally abusive to him now that he's a physically broken down man. Seeing her abuse him was a real eye opener. Despite her little song and dance of "I've changed, Lisa" she launches into from time to time, I'm sure I don't have to tell you she hasn't. Not one iota. Sister Renee said something on her site that resonated: Release them to God, to paraphrase. He's the only one who can save them. Indeed.<br /><br />Thank you, Anna, so much. Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom. People like you and Sister Renee are lifesavers. (And I like Van Helsing, too!)<br /><br />P. S. Guys, watch what sites you read. Pretty sure I've stumbled onto some dubious ones purporting to be for ACoNs. Some are clueless or maybe perhaps downright deceptive/abusive themselves?Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13062269841147495233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-29792996480886417682016-12-06T16:28:22.113-07:002016-12-06T16:28:22.113-07:00Listen to song Big Hat no cattle. Randy Newman. Ha...Listen to song Big Hat no cattle. Randy Newman. Ha. A narc!! Play it for your narcs!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-16358406044737093112015-09-30T17:03:10.853-06:002015-09-30T17:03:10.853-06:00Patrick, Why February??? Why give her an extended ...Patrick, Why February??? Why give her an extended time to manipulate your friends and family? It is best to let them all know and get a divorce. The sooner you have done with it, the better off you will be. Also, if you have no children you should immediately go no contact.<br /><br />THEY DO NOT GET BETTER AND THEY DO NOT CHANGE EXCEPT TO GROW INCREASINGLY WORSE!<br /><br />Good luck.Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-5109496679472676492015-09-24T03:44:42.778-06:002015-09-24T03:44:42.778-06:00What if they are your spouse? Can you divorce or a...What if they are your spouse? Can you divorce or at minimum separate? I left, want a divorce, but keep hearing in my heart "give her until February." But I REALLY want out. We married waaaay too quickly and it was all based on her lying about who and what she is and what she believes and how she lives. Signs were all there in hindsight... :(Patrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02511801408722053063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-50222929429829249362015-09-23T19:17:34.735-06:002015-09-23T19:17:34.735-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Patrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02511801408722053063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-56521803766470986052015-05-12T07:15:23.195-06:002015-05-12T07:15:23.195-06:00Notice I mostly use the term "evil doer"...Notice I mostly use the term "evil doer". That is a term that judges the actions as evil. It focuses more on what a person DOES than what they are. Although, if an individual persists in doing evil it is safe enough to say they are evil. At least, if one is going to approach this subject from a biblical view of humanity.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-64512829797183537532015-05-12T02:52:57.912-06:002015-05-12T02:52:57.912-06:00I think the trouble is not turning away, but accep...I think the trouble is not turning away, but accepting the other as "evil".<br />I have been NC with my N mother for about 10 years now and I still would hesitate to call her "evil". I know though that many things she did were evil. I was so close to her until I was about twenty-five that I know her feelings and motivations very well. I still feel for her, but I no longer excuse her. We all suffer in our lives, it is no excuse for making others suffer pretending they provoked or deserved it.<br />As for contagiousness, I believed her for ages that my father is an evil man. It somehow never rang quite true. It took me a very long time to realize that he's a sinner all right, but her mind works like that of a criminal. No conscience. No social responsibility. But, on the contrary, the firm conviction of being "good" and wanting all only for the best.<br />I have turned away from her, but I would not call her "evil". Very, very sick in her mind and psyche and thus dangerous, yes. Whether she is evil and what is to become of her is for God to say. I have long stopped wanting to help her.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02827357802388386341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-73694705011167266122015-03-26T09:25:21.268-06:002015-03-26T09:25:21.268-06:00I agree that each situation is different and must ...I agree that each situation is different and must be analyzed on an individual basis. As you have done. And well done. All the best to you.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-11352269005834606212015-03-24T16:06:51.262-06:002015-03-24T16:06:51.262-06:00For me, I have come to the conclusion that each si...For me, I have come to the conclusion that each situation is different. I had no contact with my father for 5 years, now we have a moderately "healthy" relationship. For me, this means I know who I am, I know who he is, and I know where the boundaries are. My mother, have had no contact with for for 6 years (I think, could be 7), and I don't forsee that ever changing. Why? Because I do think she is dangerous. I don't yet have children, but when I do, I do not believe they would ever be safe with her. For this reason, I stay away. This is what is healthy for me and my family. My mother-in-law is now the individual I am struggling with, in knowing how to deal with her. I do not think or proclaim myself to be strong enough to bear her terror. I am not. Nor do I have delusions that I can save her. I am not God and have no such capacity. I am not confusing myself with such lies. I do worry though, about following the way of light and truth. I do believe that I am supposed to do good in all things--and to those that who do hate me and use me. I do consider, that leaving her be could be considered good, for the reason that so many have stated in these comments. At this point, I am concluding the best answer in this situation is minimal contact--especially because she is quite elderly and does need help/care. I will not let her change me. I will do what I can even if it is extremely minimal.Teah Akrishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12335798442743851048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-24849146173420105892015-02-01T12:37:09.354-07:002015-02-01T12:37:09.354-07:00It is your call, AZorbie. If you need to stay awa...It is your call, AZorbie. If you need to stay away from your brother's wedding for your own sanity then do what you must. If you and your mother are close then it seems as if you'd be able to explain your reasons to her. She may not like your decision but hopefully she'll respect it.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-80953501381843523762015-02-01T11:11:10.340-07:002015-02-01T11:11:10.340-07:00So no contact is no contact. Don't cave into ...So no contact is no contact. Don't cave into the pressure of family obligations.AZorbiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13798726181804621054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-26328293889140887292015-01-30T20:41:27.912-07:002015-01-30T20:41:27.912-07:00I just found out that my brother is getting marrie...I just found out that my brother is getting married in May. I'm finally accepting that he fits the narcissistic profile. I feel I'm still recovering from the holidays. I really don't want to attend his wedding. I feel panic just thinking about it. I also don't want to disappoint my mother (who I do get along fine with). AZorbiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13798726181804621054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-88565218944596159522014-08-12T01:52:38.744-06:002014-08-12T01:52:38.744-06:00Shared this post on our A Cry For Justice facebook...Shared this post on our A Cry For Justice facebook page. Thanks; it is excellent.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12530236258021358131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-57950644027508514742013-11-27T17:43:06.524-07:002013-11-27T17:43:06.524-07:00Anna, I cannot get your E-mail to open for me, so ...Anna, I cannot get your E-mail to open for me, so I will communicate right here. The scriptures provided on this post do help me. I think the feelings I sometimes get of being "evil" stem from the fact that all around me, I see people in my age group (I'm now 55)doing all kinds of things to help look after their parents, making sacrifices to take care of them any way they can. My mother is in a nursing home now (my sister told me), but even when she wasn't, I couldn't stand to be near her or talk to her anymore on the phone, so how could I help take care of her?<br /><br />I think that I understand what it's like to face the "terrors of aging" because I have Multiple Sclerosis. I walk with a cane, but I am very stumbly! I don't see my postion as "selfish" but I tend to judge myself the way the rest of the world sees grown children like me: spoiled, selfish, cruel brats! I can't even stand to talk to her on the phone or deal with the card-sending thing. Have you ever had anyone moralize that "You can at least send a card!"? No matter how I try, the feelings of "evil" continue to assail me from time to time.Klarityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17389764201783263190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-52029520164526405072013-09-09T13:36:28.658-06:002013-09-09T13:36:28.658-06:00My email is still active. I don't always answ...My email is still active. I don't always answer emails though. I'm sorry if yours was not answered by me. I do understand what you are describing in your comment here. I have in recent months gone through some similar feelings. I have emerged on the other side of the valley of doubt. Feel free to try my email again. Make it clear that you are "Klarity" or "Sara" and I'll do my best to respond.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-35162020691593045302013-09-09T11:06:15.103-06:002013-09-09T11:06:15.103-06:00Anna,
I have noticed that your e-mail is no longe...Anna,<br /><br />I have noticed that your e-mail is no longer active. I have been reading your blog for years, but this is the first time I have tried to make contact. I know you have wanted to move on. I am having a particularly hard time with my No Contact, which has been going on for years. I am a Christian, and lately I am having a difficult time with what I have done. I'm starting to feel as if I am evil, when I did not feel that way before. I saw it as protecting my family, but my kids have now grown. If you ever go through stages like this, I would like to talk to you.<br /><br />Sara<br /><br /> Klarityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17389764201783263190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-65939778786575321062013-07-12T08:04:36.996-06:002013-07-12T08:04:36.996-06:00Anna,
your blog is a God-send. For some time, i ...Anna,<br /><br />your blog is a God-send. For some time, i knew something wasn't right about "them" people (family). Fortunately going no-contact is no big deal - they don't care, never did, never will. And i am so done with "moping behind a computer screen." Looking back, i can't help but to conclude it was the Lord's way of getting the dross out of me - and the Lord isn't done yet, not by a long shot. Once again, thank you so much for posting your blog.Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12009191540139452049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82024756020448546102012-12-31T12:37:20.808-07:002012-12-31T12:37:20.808-07:00I have a narcissist mother (her: late 60's me ...I have a narcissist mother (her: late 60's me (male): early 40s. I had no real understanding for most of my life what she was, I was in a constant state of puzzlement. Leaned to "shut down" and not feel anything to cope with her hurtful rants which maddened her all the more. <br />"Escaped" and angered her more when I did not shrivel up and come crawling back as predicted but thrived out from her dictatorship. <br />She has a hard working witty good bread winner husband that enables her. I miss my father but he supported her in all things and went on month long work trips to "escape" and late night work appearing to all as a workaholic. I still do not forgive him, he knows what monster he has married. She once forced everyone (grandma, brother & dad) not to tell me when my grandfather died and sprang it on me. When I complained she said "you need to be around more to deserve being informed". I suspect this is how it will play out for my father in the future.<br />I got a girlfriend, then she became my wife, much runs at her from the mother which was the first time I faced her down. Everything got better when we had our first child and she was very charming and as well with our second. My brother (golden child) had his first child and we were dropped and went back to treating me to the scapegoat role she used to. <br />She pulled some really nasty bits when my father-in-law died and we told her we needed to sit down and come to an agreement on behavior or we cannot continue this relationship. We went into mutual no-contact for 3 years now.<br />I dreaded special occasions, I felt usually sick. I am SO happy now. A great weight is lifted. My wife is safe from her snipes, my children are safe from her inappropriate behavior. This is my responsibility as pointed out in this blog and I am glad to see some support in this decision. It will not be easy but it is paying good dividends. I still feel I am not right mentally compared to others but I can face the nastiest circumstances and barely blink = I am independent and have strong character due to this series of great wrongs done to a small lonely child so long ago. My children are nice, smart, characters that are rewarded appropriately for good effort and loved to the strong risk of being spoiled. My wife is a good person and is an equal partner I am very fortunate, we cover for each other: I still cannot get used to that.<br />No-one understands the kind of people these are. Complete utter self-interest. Spite with a strong willingness to punish. I have no patience for these people and find them easily which is disturbing. Reward good behavior and ignore the self serving. <br />Thanks all, I wish you all luck in self determination and finding love that is not withheld.<br />Talizvarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01324120874939617749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82235863613667960942012-10-09T12:51:49.836-06:002012-10-09T12:51:49.836-06:00Meg said :We moved about six months ago, I won'...<i>Meg said :We moved about six months ago, I won't say where to, but not far from where we used to live. We didn't tell our families (both N-infected) our new address, changed our mobile numbers, landlines silent etc.<br /><br />Today I hear from my MIL on our email address, which we left the same for business reasons, begging us to tell them where we are, because they are apparently worried to death about us. </i><br /><br />I'm sorry, they didn't suddenly become worried. Someone else asked them about you and they had no good answer. This embarrassed them and threatened the image they had created. So they now scramble to find you so they can keep the false image in place.k8thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09786099978602349000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-27240687106478984012012-09-19T23:06:09.459-06:002012-09-19T23:06:09.459-06:00I am a devout Catholic who has had to go no contac...I am a devout Catholic who has had to go no contact with my narcissistic family. It has been painful enough to lose my family (though it has GREATLY improved my health), but I have had to deal with the "holier than thou" attitudes of family and in-laws regarding this issue. First of all, none of them have the courage, wisdom or integrity to what needed to be done in this situation. Second, their motivation for criticizing has generally been selfish (mostly not wanting to have to deal with the awkwardness that my no contact has personally caused them). They are far more willing to appease and enable the narcissist so that they don't have to deal with any unpleasantness (ironic, these loving Chrisitians would rather I be abused emotionally than deal with some discomfort). The hypocracy is staggering. God can save a narcissist without you. Do not be arrogant enough to think He can't. That is the guilt and shame the narcissist has indoctrinated in you talking. It was meant to keep you in their control. The victim of the abuse is not in a position to change the abuser. The victim has an obligation to his or her children, spouse and self to be healthy and functional so he or she can attend to these individuals needs first You have an obligation to save YOUR immediate family from this dysfunction. It destroys lives. It could literally be argued that it is selfish to remain in this abusive relationship as you are not meeting your obligations to those who do rely on you for love, affection, and stability (as a parent and spouse). Allow for the emotions to be expressed, but do not let them guide you. That is what logic, wisdom, and your brain are for. Have the character and integrity to do what is right, do not hide behind a curtain of false righteousness because you do not have the integrity or strength to stand up to this abuse and evil. It only enables the dysfunction and behavior. If you enable, there is no way you could ever "save" the person. If you are the victim of the abuse you are not in a position to do so any way. Forgive them and free yourself, but do not be foolish enough to forget what they are all about and be dragged back into their dysfunction.Jimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14887943448898990899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-75430051237570633242012-09-13T19:55:09.521-06:002012-09-13T19:55:09.521-06:00Oh, the shame I feel about having been among the s...Oh, the shame I feel about having been among the simpletons! I thought I could infuse enough of my own good will into a situation that the narcissist would see I was harmless! You see I could tell this was a narcissist before me, but I thought I could be safe due to my own goodness! Wow! What folly!<br /><br />This makes me more of a target, but really the term simpleton is a little harsh. After all, how can you be expected to know what you don't know??Literature Lovehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01234649925133157707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-45480012185876823582012-09-11T08:25:53.940-06:002012-09-11T08:25:53.940-06:00I went NC with my mother 8 mo. ago. You really sta...I went NC with my mother 8 mo. ago. You really start seeing things you couldn't see before while you were under their spell. I never knew you could actually do such a thing as a Christian. I love it!!! I am waiting to see if the rest of my family are going do. Of course she's the one who doesn't tell people her business or "air her dirty laundry", but in order to gain the family's support she has shared this one. It is nothing short of amusing to consider them turning against me when for seventeen years they chose to go NC with her! Now they are @2000+ miles away. I am 14miles(and I cherish everyone of them) away and have endured almost every one of my 41years suffering at the hands of her abuse. But for some reason they are shocked that I won't do it anymore. Really? She is definitely demon possessed. I think some demons move out due to crowding. She left me a message where she changed her voice to have a California accent, like her family. Freaky. I read that a person cannot heal from abuse while they are still being abused. I am healing. I would not even be thinking about her now if she was not trying to turn my family against me. I would rather lose them than go back to Egypt. I have been set free. It takes time to figure out how to live a free man. It is awkward and new. But boy does it feel good. I no longer feel exploited and like a coward with no self esteem who is stuck in the cycle. I am taking up for myself, I am worth it, and I am getting stronger by the day. Did I mention stronger! I feel 4 feet taller and no longer a victim!!!!!! tinar rhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05973861342659654054noreply@blogger.com