tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post5165688241503978349..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: Jesse Pomeroy: A Stark Illustration of Lack of IntrospectionAnna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-21803574952765381292010-03-15T01:53:57.196-06:002010-03-15T01:53:57.196-06:00Anna, You are an amazing writer!
Your words are li...Anna, You are an amazing writer!<br />Your words are like poetry to my ears. I really like your style of writing and I hope you are using your talents in the publishing world. Thank you for your blog. You have helped so many people including me. <br /><br />We all do enter this world through the portals of mortals. We do not get to choose the portal. Some of us are blessed with parents that care, and some like us are left with parents that don't. <br /><br />We got to shake the dust off us from our rough entry to earth. Unpeal the burnt cloths,cut the ropes that binds us to our crafts. Walk away from the rough landing and embrace what the Lord has for us!! There is so many wonderful blessing that there is to discover on this earth. And its time to get busy. <br /><br />Thanks again Anna, I hope you keep writing here from time to time.Goodwinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15325016707913268620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-8160598356547692392009-06-24T11:28:51.862-06:002009-06-24T11:28:51.862-06:00Boy oh boy do I know that story all to well as wel...Boy oh boy do I know that story all to well as well. When I was in 3rd grade or something like that I fell down on the playground at school. I was wearing black tights. The schoolground was all asphalt. Well needless to say I came home with two holes in my stockings after school. She went nuts, she hung my tights on the Christmas tree to show my father when he got home. I don't remember what he did when he got home, but I was terrified, but nothing happened later. What a witch! When I tell people that story sometimes nothing comes out of their mouths cause it is just to wierd for normal folks to get.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-46340819869321716442009-02-25T10:16:00.000-07:002009-02-25T10:16:00.000-07:00Thank you for creating this blog. I think people ...Thank you for creating this blog. I think people who have not had a malignant narcissist for a parent can understand the long-lasting damage it leaves, even after breaking off all contact. My mother was sadistic and abusive, punishing me for everything from my appearance, to the way I spoke, to the way I dressed...I could never do anything right. I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood trying to convince her that I was not a bad person, or a selfish or insensitive person. I have had absolutely no contact with her for three years now, and my panic attacks are only just beginning to subside. People like her thrive on crushing others. My mother would look quite satisfied and smug seeing me in tears after berating me and belittling me for some 'offense'. When I was seven,I accidentally spilled a glass of juice, this would, she would say, show my vindictive nature, as surely I did this to create laundry for her, that this was yet another example of my 'mean and spiteful' nature. I desperately tried to explain it was an accident, but she did not stop belittling me until I was I was crying uncontrollably. She then said 'Good, I hope you are sorry.' My entire life consisted of daily torture like this. I was told I was ugly, stupid, pointless, worthless, vile and so on, constantly. If any 'outsider' praised my achievements or appearance in front of her, I would feel the ugly sense of foreboding, knowing I was going to be punished for it somehow. Praise for me seemed to deeply offend her personally, and she would always make sure that I knew her opinion of me, and that anything positive someone else said did not count, as she knew the 'real' me. <BR/><BR/>To those of you who have cut off contact with a malignant narcissist - never go back there. It is hard enough trying to salvage what is left of your self-esteem, or sense of self-worth, or belief in your right to be happy without their constant abuse. All they know is how to be destructive. Don't ever fool yourself into believing this changes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-57752701229029555742009-01-19T09:17:00.000-07:002009-01-19T09:17:00.000-07:00I must save myself rather than burn myself out by ...<I>I must save myself rather than burn myself out by investing in his change.</I><BR/><BR/>Yes!!! You've distilled down to one sentence the whole message of my entire blog. I'm delighted to know that you're going to listen to what your gut has been saying for a long time now.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-72193569262402137252009-01-19T03:57:00.000-07:002009-01-19T03:57:00.000-07:00totally reaffirmed my intuition of years.. In the ...totally reaffirmed my intuition of years.. In the initial years, I could "smell" his motives, and " predict" the future.. To-day, improvement of the MN is minimal.. he keeps finding ways to bully me and children further.. There Is no " tangible proof" of his abusive behaviour.. I certainly have under gone an emotional roller coaster ride..I keep looking for Bigger justice" to happen and take care of my problem.. But after reading this site, my gut is assured again, that I must save myself rather than burn myself out by investing in his change. J.D. IndiaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-51221184280988042452009-01-06T04:54:00.000-07:002009-01-06T04:54:00.000-07:00Thank you so much for this post. I don't always s...Thank you so much for this post. I don't always see a distinction between some of the red flags -- I have always lumped them all together as "inappropriate behavior" whether it's attention-grabbing, controlling, belittling, and especially being envious when another is complimented (they all HATE that). Asking a child who has just lost her dad to comfort adults is most definitely backwards.<BR/><BR/>Thank you, Anna. And thank you, Sister Renee. I read your website all the time and then run to the Bible to read the verses you cite, and also the surrounding verses. What liberation!! THANK YOU!!<BR/><BR/>To the moron who reads the blog and says that people are okay until they break the law --- They Break God's Laws. That's a high enough authority fo ME!<BR/><BR/>- KathleenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-19721775316915043352009-01-05T11:26:00.000-07:002009-01-05T11:26:00.000-07:00This is a little off topic but could you all (or y...This is a little off topic but could you all (or yall where I am from =) ) please give me any advice you could me about dealing with NM's minions outside the family? In this case -my ILs, they are trying to guilt-trip me into contacting Nmonster. Of course this was started by constant "emotional" (*cough*faker*cough*)phone calls from my NM. I will not be party to a guilt trip by proxy but they won't let it go. Any advice is appreciated or if I could be directed to one of Anna's posts on the subject- I looked but may have missed it.<BR/><BR/>Thank you in advance!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-87770014662993683452008-12-31T19:56:00.000-07:002008-12-31T19:56:00.000-07:00Amen Anna!! And Happy New Year to you as well!! My...Amen Anna!! And Happy New Year to you as well!! My mantra the last few months has been, "out with the old, in with the new"!! Looking forward to 2009!! And reconnecting w/ solid old friends!! And having a blast!! Be well everyone, treat yourself tenderly, appreciate the good that is to be found in this lifetime. There is hope!!! Love y'all!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-74826782983569830732008-12-31T10:43:00.000-07:002008-12-31T10:43:00.000-07:00By the way, ya'll. My computer went completely be...By the way, ya'll. My computer went completely belly up yesterday. Kaput. A 'perfect storm' of colliding software gutted the brain of my computer. I am going to be busy putting things back together in the days ahead. I am only able to be online now due to the fact that my loving husband worked ALL DAY yesterday to get me up and running again. My appreciation will be demonstrated by a day of cooking and making him his favorite meal. My idea not his, by the way. So....hope ya'll bear with me as comments hang in moderation for too long and new posts fail to materialize in a timely manner. Between reconstructing all the stuff I need on my computer and enjoying the rest of the festive season I don't plan to "work" much for the next week. <BR/><BR/>Happy New Year!Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-53374408355521605802008-12-31T10:38:00.000-07:002008-12-31T10:38:00.000-07:00Not surprising, really. They are not inwardly foc...Not surprising, really. They are not inwardly focused in the sense of being introspective yet they are consumed with their own self-interests. This renders them insensible of the world outside them as well as the one inside them. Another way they remind me of children. Children have an excuse for not understanding the world around them. They lack knowledge and experience as well as the simple fact their brains are not developed. Narcissists just carry this ignorance into adulthood by will. Now, obviously, there are narcissists who are aware of some aspects of the world around them. But, again, it is only as that knowledge serves their personal agenda and gains them something for the effort.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-32784876362077446612008-12-31T10:29:00.000-07:002008-12-31T10:29:00.000-07:00A little OT... Has anyone else noticed that Ns not...A little OT... Has anyone else noticed that Ns not only lack introspection, but also don't grasp what's really going on in the outside world? <BR/><BR/>My ex-NF has always been ignorant of current events, which seems strange for someone so convinced of his intellectual gifts. Could it be because they are so enmeshed in their fantasy world that actual events aren't on their radar?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-34636125661493489492008-12-31T07:42:00.000-07:002008-12-31T07:42:00.000-07:00Yes - the purging. I remember reading somewhere t...Yes - the purging. I remember reading somewhere that you should never have anything in your house you don't love, and then sending everything my NMIL had given me to Goodwill. It was great! I didn't have to be reminded of her everywhere I looked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-77034842157867085512008-12-30T13:26:00.001-07:002008-12-30T13:26:00.001-07:00Anonymous with the Christmas gift: Returning gifts...Anonymous with the Christmas gift: Returning gifts to an N gives them N-supply. Negative attention is food for them. <BR/><BR/>Your choices as I see them:<BR/><BR/>Send the stuff back with a letter telling her that you will not accept any future gifts from her, and will take further action against her should she ignore you (don't specify, but this should then progress to a NC letter which does not get into JADEing -- samples can be found online);<BR/><BR/>Throwing away, donating, burning the stuff you already have and never mentioning it to her. Move it out to the garage. Don't leave it marking your turf for too long. Then purge your house of all the other cr@p she has given you over the years. You'll feel great. I know. I've done it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-64681110065137891702008-12-30T13:26:00.000-07:002008-12-30T13:26:00.000-07:00Regarding the "bullshit train" here is an interest...Regarding the "bullshit train" here is an interesting experience I had with my MN ex a few years ago. At the time, I didn't know about narcissism.<BR/> Refering to our divorce papers, a point we disagreed on, the MN liar said, "Well I spoke to the best lawyer in St. Louis county and he said this "blah lielie blah"."<BR/> My reply was "Oh, well, I spoke to the best lawyer in Franklin county and he said " the complete opposite of blah lielie blah."<BR/> I could not believe that my MN ex didn't call me on that lie. Was it because he was lying too? <BR/> That was the first time I spouted back exactly what he was dishing out. It seemed like he believed what I was saying!!??<BR/> Is it explainable?<BR/> Hang in there, everyone. Stay strong and get them out of your life...like trash.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-57868953198079774582008-12-30T13:18:00.000-07:002008-12-30T13:18:00.000-07:00So, speaking of books: when will you put your blog...So, speaking of books: when will you put your blog in book form, Anna?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-59982864419229685032008-12-30T12:02:00.000-07:002008-12-30T12:02:00.000-07:00Anna, How do you find good people to be around you...<I>Anna, How do you find good people to be around you? I have a history of having ns for friends and those who may not be full blown ns but have a lot of ns traits.Its caused me a lot of pain and I don`t want to keep making the same mistake.It`s hard for me to find good people.</I><BR/><BR/>You don't mention whether or not you're a child of a narcissist. I have noticed that those of us raised by narcissists seem to end up in multiple relationships with Ns, either romantic or platonic. My experience with this has taught me that being raised by a narcissist means we have very ill-defined personal boundaries, poorly tuned bullshit meters, and far too high of tolerance for the bad behavior of others because we have been taught to blame ourselves when others behave badly.<BR/><BR/>Time, maturity, knowledge seem to be the remedies for serial relationships for Ns. When you have a better sense of your right to have your own opinions, when you can draw a line and not feel guilty for enforcing it, when you can walk away when you detect bullshit, when you can assign the origin of bad behavior in the other person to THEM and not yourself, then you find yourself only brushing up against Ns and not getting enmeshed in them. <BR/><BR/>So, increase your knowledge base on narcissism as well as of yourself. You need to take good long looks inside to figure out your own vulnerabilities and areas where your thinking is muddled. Start learning where other's rights end and yours begin. Stop putting up with bad behavior. You'll someday find yourself with some good solid people in your life after you've grown yourself into a mature, honest and upright person. Like attracts like.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82319609193854508332008-12-30T08:42:00.000-07:002008-12-30T08:42:00.000-07:00"so I'm just going NC by the way of the bullshit t..."so I'm just going NC by the way of the bullshit train!"<BR/><BR/>My feelings on how you're handling this is that all's fair in love and war, and with the N, it's truly WAR!! Carry on, good soldier.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-8054959854924889972008-12-29T20:54:00.000-07:002008-12-29T20:54:00.000-07:00This is a very interesting and shocking post on a ...This is a very interesting and shocking post on a horrible man, Anna! <BR/><BR/>What 'interests' me is that it caused me to think about Nmom and her increasingly reclusive old age. (She was always a bit of a SocialIdiot...and tended to be excluded...leaving ME as her 'company' and 'audience' for most all of her sorcery) As she has aged, she doesn't get out as much...rarely makes it to church (because they won't turn the music down by her demand.) and what few 'friends' she had are dead or pretending to be so they don't have to listen to her anymore.<BR/><BR/>My point? YOU ARE SO RIGHT! She has grown MORE vindictive and wicked and deceitful than ever in her isolation! Old age should be a time of reflection and pondering....a time of memories...making right the wrongs...shifting down....mellowing....all that. I believe it IS like that for decent and good people...people who care..people who know how to move over for the next generation. Am I making any sense here? But not an N! Nooooo....Nmom is picking up a 'head of steam' now.....It's awful.....the things I hear from others what she has said...(and not just about me, her NCdaughter) It's like the isolation has fueled her. Makes me sick....I feel like I'm watching something out of Lord of the Rings with all those dark creatures and cacklings and clankings and scritchin' and scratchin'....Sorry...just giving a picture of my skin crawlin'.<BR/><BR/>Good post. Firm stand. Truth spoken. (BTW...a late Merry Christmas. I haven't been able to get online for a week...just now catching up)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-30152002601278383902008-12-29T18:39:00.000-07:002008-12-29T18:39:00.000-07:00What a life saver this blog is!! Thank you so much...What a life saver this blog is!! Thank you so much Anna, for writing all of this and to all the people commenting. It's amazing how all of this rings 100% true! To me, it's really amazing that so much could be written about one type of person, and it all fits with what "targets" of N's experience!<BR/><BR/>Besides the in-depth posts that are sooo helpful and TOTALLY describes N's so well, people's comments are a big help to me too.<BR/>I've yet to have a therapist or friend give me this kind of info/help, which is EXACTLY what I need.. how could dr.'s be so dumb? We've got to put the blame on and recognize the mind games being played for N's SICK enjoyment and learn how not to be a target ever again.<BR/><BR/>Many times people's comments will strike a cord with me and I'll realize things that I had forgotten ... so I thought I'd return the favor and join the conversations in hope of someone else maybe benefiting from my thoughts like I have from theirs.<BR/><BR/>My SIL is, what I like to refer to as, a bulimic, narcissistic freak! A 75lb, 3 time married for money and all H's have cheated on her (including current H), 100% phony baloney. <BR/><BR/>And I married the golden boy (he's a great guy) of the family. And since he really loves me, her wrath has come down on me hard... ever since the 1st day I met her... (that's a ridiculous story) but of course she's completely covert, and with a saccharine, sweet, condescending tone & smile. Like a nauseating I don't know what! <BR/><BR/>I have managed to stay away from her for 26 yrs... only having contact once or twice a yr. But now she lives 10 min. away and I have seriously almost lost my mind! They really get into your head and stay there! <BR/><BR/>The last straw was Thanksgiving. After being greeted with an insult about my looks, it went downhill from there. God, I hate they way they stick a dagger into you... when they are the ones who are hideous! They truly try to suck the blood, life and goodness out of you. So, I'm putting a stop to this. What they do is bad enough, but it's my non-action that really keeps me up at night. <BR/><BR/>So this is what I'm doing :) <BR/>I am not "buying into" her or anyone else's for that matter, reality! That thought is the BEST! It really is a "mind set" like Anna wrote in another post. I am not believing or accepting their version of life... I'll be living my own life, and acting accordingly my own way... after all, it's the only one I've got.<BR/><BR/>I delete all messages left on the phone (because I don't answer when she calls) I need to keep my blood and my sanity. My answer to her will be if she asks (doubt that she will, inside she knows she's a nasty human being) I'll just say: Oh, you're the second person who's told me that.... my voice mail must be messing up. This N really doesn't get sarcasm (too wrapped up in herself) and she really can't tell if I'm being sincere or not, especially over the phone... so it's perfect. And if she doesn't like it... too bad.<BR/><BR/>My feelings are that I can keep my integrity for goodness and decency and lie like a you-know-what to that bitch. I'm not above flat out lying to abusers who have gotten into my heart and head to hurt me for no good reason other than they are sick, twisted, people that will never stop and I will BS them till the cows come home if necessary.<BR/><BR/>You know, I think if we talked to wise old women... they'd tell us the exact same thing! There is nothing new under the sun and these people have been around for a long time. And you know what... alot of us here are about that age... so maybe we are the wise old women (and men) we've been waiting for .<BR/><BR/>I don't want to tell her NC because it would cause too much grief for me ...(we are moving soon, yea!) so I'm just going NC by the way of the bullshit train! All aboard.<BR/><BR/>signed,<BR/>getting smarter<BR/><BR/>p.s. I think my mom was a N lite. Which set me up to never stand up for myself with people close to me. I went NC with mom (she lied and bad mouthed me to B&S) and now both of my siblings have ostracized me... going on 6 yrs. Isn't that sweet.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-61246840114102186372008-12-29T13:03:00.000-07:002008-12-29T13:03:00.000-07:00I recently turned 50 and my N. brother gave me a b...I recently turned 50 and my N. brother gave me a book as a gift. It was written by a friend of his (maybe another N.) and I have never expressed an interest in his writings. A few weeks later my N tells me he gave me that book because he was/is acknowledged in the book. BFD, I immediately threw it away, it mad me sick. Of course it had nothing to do with me. Oh they can be so charming when they want/need a piece of you. We are basically all we have (so to speak) and I don't know how to go NC due to the fact that we are members in a club (shareholders) and I don't want to give up mu share. I just make sure we are not there at the same time. <BR/>Thanks for writing your blog, it has helped greatly. I feel sorry for my N. brother's kids. Very sad indeed.Terry Scovillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03921175577588776380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-4432429027292344192008-12-29T11:59:00.000-07:002008-12-29T11:59:00.000-07:00If you return the gifts, you are feeding the narci...If you return the gifts, you are feeding the narcissist. They will take whatever they can get from you, then twist it into narcissist food. Is that what you want to do? Do you really want your mom taking your note and showing it to family/friends as evidence of how mean you are? These people know no bounds, don't give them any fuel. Your guilt feelings are from her careful grooming all your life, ignore them, they have no basis. No contact means no contact, it's a self defense technique. Throw the gifts in the trash, get them out of your sight so they can't torture you anymore, that's exactly what they were intended to do, not to show any kind of love. DO NOT project your own kindness onto a N, it's a deadly mistake, narcissists have no such feelings, they're parasites.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-15662816914611867212008-12-29T10:38:00.000-07:002008-12-29T10:38:00.000-07:00to anon 7:45 a.m. -Whether your spouse is a narcis...to anon 7:45 a.m. -<BR/><BR/>Whether your spouse is a narcissist or not, of course you deserve to be treated with at least as much respect as your spouse gives everyone else. <BR/><BR/>I only discovered what narcissism is after leaving my narcissistic, emotionally abusive spouse. After discovering that his character/moral defect has a name, I realized that he was very like my father, who I now understand is a malignant narcissist. I have been mostly NC with my MN father for years, but until recently didn't know that his awful conduct had a label.<BR/><BR/>So many questions were answered for me when I realized who/what these people are. I'm still struggling with how they become that way. Both these MNs in my life were raised by at least one MN parent. One of my two children is showing very strong signs of becoming a malignant narcissist. I can see now, looking back, that it began in her adolescence. <BR/><BR/>So, yes, I've been where you are. I hope your spouse is not a MN. If you ask him to change his behaviours and he is willing to do so for you, then in all likelihood he is not. But if you ask him to change the behaviours and he only behaves worse, I would think twice about spending the rest of your life with him. Normal humans aren't wired to live without caring and love. We do deserve better, and are doing ourselves a disservice if we don't work to live our lives in love.<BR/>MarieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-34947595260533099612008-12-29T10:20:00.000-07:002008-12-29T10:20:00.000-07:00Thank you all sooo much for your comments about th...Thank you all sooo much for your comments about the "gifts!" <BR/><BR/>I think I understand why she signed them the way she did. I think she was being "coy" and thought it was cute. Sort of like "see? I'm not upset, why are you?" <BR/><BR/>I'm ticked that she gave them to my son to bring to me in the first place! Yep, she's trying to get to me all right!<BR/><BR/>My stomach still lurches when I think about what I'm going to do with those gifts. The thought of doing nothing at all makes me sweaty and nauseous. I've been taught very well to NEVER ignore a "kindness" from anyone, no matter who they are or what they've done. It's RUDE and nasty!<BR/><BR/>I'm still leaning toward putting the gifts in a box and mailing them back to her with a note basically stating that I can't accept them and if she refuses to be real with me, then leave me alone for good and forget she has a daughter. <BR/><BR/>Yes, I still hope that she'll "come around" but I know logically that this will never happen. I need to realize that in my heart though. She's 76 now and has always been this way, so why do I hold out hope that she'll change now, when I know she won't? <BR/><BR/>It's so hard!! I'm so happy to know that I'm (unfortunately) not alone and all of you understand!<BR/><BR/>Sister Renee, I spend a lot of time at the Luke site and can't even express how much strength and knowledge I draw from there!<BR/><BR/>Many of you mentioned that she just wants a response. I'm certain that the response she's expecting is a Thank You note gushing over the lovely gifts and for me to race back to her in gratitude. She was NOT expect the response of the gifts being returned with a note to leave me alone. In fact, I wonder if that would just do her in completely. <BR/><BR/>*sigh* why couldn't these "mothers" have been sterile?<BR/><BR/>(((Hugs))) to all of you!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-76283339406656572772008-12-29T10:11:00.000-07:002008-12-29T10:11:00.000-07:00Any "gifts" I get are put aside. Then, whenever I...Any "gifts" I get are put aside. Then, whenever I feel up to it, I open them and they go straight into a bag to get taken to a local charity. Period. Cards get shredded. <BR/><BR/>I send no response at all, of any kind, ever. No indication that I ever received a thing. <BR/><BR/>I try to be one big button that no matter how it gets pushed by an N: NOTHING HAPPENS.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-32776198276823827202008-12-29T08:28:00.000-07:002008-12-29T08:28:00.000-07:00Hi Anonymous: About your NMother's "gifts"- this ...Hi Anonymous: About your NMother's "gifts"- this is an extremely common tactic to get a response out of you and drag you back in. Or else to be able to tell other people how ungrateful you are because you accept gifts from her but you still won't talk to her. <BR/><BR/>Don't dwell the way they are signed. My kids and I have gotten anonymous gifts,too. Yeah, like we weren't supposed to know who sent them! Sociopath father's latest cards have return address labels with my mother's name (she's been dead over 10 years) and his new wife's address (He moved in with her after my mother died, having had a long extra-marital affair with her). My mother, his first wife, never lived at his second wife's house. So how do you explain return address labels with my mother's name on them- 10 years after she died? It's all just a mind game.<BR/><BR/> At first I sent things back until I did some reading on No Contact and realized that sending things back IS a response in the minds of many Ns. So I stopped. Checks to me and my kids were never cashed, and Nfather can just stew about that every month when he balances his checkbook and has to add in the outstanding checks. If cash was sent, I would have happily spent it on something nice and considered it payment for all the years I treated him well while he abused me. The way I see it, he OWES me. In your case, you can't just mark the gifts "refused" and mail them back because they weren't mailed in the first place. No way would I spend money on postage or waste my time driving to the post office. If it was something I liked, I would use it without batting an eye and consider it something I earned the hard way! If I didn't like it, I'd donate it to Goodwill. They have a lot of sneaky, manipulative tricks up their sleeves, but the key with No Contact is not to respond No Matter What. The worst thing you can do to an N, and the only thing that makes a dent, is to ignore them.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com