tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post4605778919501848858..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: Writing Letters; Good Idea or Bad Plan?Anna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-27202507681751883462014-06-23T11:32:25.905-06:002014-06-23T11:32:25.905-06:00When I wrote my MN "Mother" my No Contac...When I wrote my MN "Mother" my No Contact letter decades ago it was a very short, maybe 4 lines (and way too polite) business-type letter addressing her by her first name. At that time there were no Stalking Laws and ROs were considerably more difficult to procure.<br />What I would do differently: I would have had a consult with an attorney and had them write a Cease and Desist letter, perhaps including my short note. I would have had the attorney advise me on getting an ex parte Restraining Order and advise me of the limits of such-i.e., Are they still in effect over state lines? The benefits in this approach to me would have been well worth the $$ spent. Not only would it have started a legal paper trail ensuring everything was done in accordance with the law but it may well have staved off decades of Terrorism as well as cost my MN "Mother" dearly of the one "god" she worshipped above all: MONEY. And the most terrifying prospect to ALL MNs-PUBLIC EXPOSURE. The ONLY "authority" I saw intimidate her was Law Enforcement which resulted from her attempt to pull an in-person ambush at my home a few years post complete NC. I was living at least a good day's drive from her at that time and had moved several times since my NC note. (Her PI's were always on the job. And her payroll. sigh.) When I opened the door to my home one morning, who was standing there but my MN "Mother" attempting to get in the locked storm door. I told her very calmly and clearly she was "Both un-invited and un-welcomed-now LEAVE" and slammed the door on her. She then commenced in a screaming fit on a lovely, warm windows-up day in May in my quiet, residential neighborhood while running around my house scratching a coin she pulled out of her handbag all over my windows. I'm not at all exaggerating when I say it sounded as if someone was being murdered outside my home. I pulled the drapes open and with the phone in my hand yelled to her, "I'm calling the police-NOW" and started dialing. INSTANTLY, in mid-scream, she shut up and ran for her vehicle. It was as if a director on the set of a movie yelled "CUT!" Although I would have had her arrested, by the time the police arrived they were unable to locate her. At that time the very worst she would have been charged with was possibly Harassment, an Appearance ticket analogous to a littering ticket. However, she never pulled that particular tactic again.<br />I remain very reluctant to speak about what my MN "Mother" did over the following decades until her physical death because I'm concerned others who are considering NC will be dissuaded from doing so. The above is just one example of her sheer nastiness, but exposed what she most feared and could have been far more useful if I had started a legal paper trail from the initiation of NC. Clearly, her *behavior* was NOT about "Reconciliation;" it was about Revenge and Retribution. Despite that in-person ambush and my embarrassment (<that's putting it mildly-she knew how much I deplored public scenes), it remained very instructive to me: What an acting job, eh?! Quite the nefarious agenda-otherwise, why would she run?! If she really believed she had any "right" to be at my home, why didn't she wait for the Police to arrive and plead her case-as she had to so many others? My embarrassment passed. She didn't-not for a few more decades. I have never regretted my decision to NC regardless of her continuing Terrorism: I'd rather deal with periodic IEDs than have the Terrorist in my life even part-time.<br />I'm suggesting the Legal Route simply as an adjunct to all the excellent advice given here. I remain firmly, solidly of the belief Public EXPOSURE is the one tool an AC can effectively wield-given the opportunity by the MN and regardless of their particular "flavor."<br />TWTundra Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12262066568878267648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-54248140378439516062008-05-15T13:41:00.000-06:002008-05-15T13:41:00.000-06:00More thoughts....One of the best things that ever ...More thoughts....<BR/><BR/>One of the best things that ever happened to me...is to GET OLDER!!! This helped me be 'decisive' in going NC.....(AND not write any letters..) because I am T-I-R-E-D!!!!....and I don't want..nor have...any energy to expend in lost causes. I am selfishly guarding my time, money, and energy for me, for my grown children, and my grandaughter. Maybe it is 'natural' to simply begin to focus on what IS working...and to let the rest fall away as I let it.<BR/><BR/>Now in my mid-50s, I look back and see how much energy I had! I've been widowed and married and divorced....(10 years as a single mom) raised a number of families....cared for my grandparents....'babysat' Mom and Dad....moved umpteen times all over North America....worked multiple jobs...between career moves. Good Gawd! Maybe my 'decision' to go NC was made FOR me. Just tired and burned out...and don't want nor care to do it anymore.<BR/><BR/>Please don't take what I said above as a trivialization or a minimization of how difficult it can be to go NC.....or to consciously, painstakingly write a 'kiss off' letter. I don't think that I could have done it as long as I thought I had the energy to 'deal with it'. At 45? I was still rarin' to go....still 'willing and able'. Boy! No more.<BR/><BR/>krlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-57349172455172268372008-05-15T13:00:00.000-06:002008-05-15T13:00:00.000-06:00My husband's exMN and children prefer to write, al...My husband's exMN and children prefer to write, although they make fools out of themselves doing so. They do this because they are cowards. <BR/><BR/>Of course, we have kept it all and now have a thick file of all the things they have said, while being quite careful in our replies. This is called a paper trail, which we were advised years ago to start and keep by an atty. <BR/><BR/>We have kept it for years, and will keep it until we are both dead. If there are ever any of their sycophants with the balls to contact us--we can show them multiple pages of their lies, contradictions, infidelties and the works. Not that we are out there trying to do this, but we have it and what's more important, they know that we do. <BR/><BR/>Writing to any MN is something that I don't really advise but if you must do so, keep it direct and to the point. Do not give them any wiggle room.Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-17745782085441763282008-05-15T10:33:00.000-06:002008-05-15T10:33:00.000-06:00I am back again with a little more! Actually the ...I am back again with a little more! Actually the only way to treat Ns is with the Law and No Contact!<BR/><BR/>They are vampires who suck the life out of you when you can be doing better things with your time and your life.<BR/><BR/>Having said that, I empathize with Anna's wish to write. I am thinking of writing too, not to the Ns, but to myself to remind myself that the safe passage is still far away and that there are too many lies spawned by them, which must be addressed and exposed.<BR/><BR/>Anna, I salute your courage and look forward to reading your letter once you post it.<BR/><BR/>Take care!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-10246997623311257152008-05-15T10:28:00.000-06:002008-05-15T10:28:00.000-06:00My N-SIL was the poison-pen writer in the family. ...My N-SIL was the poison-pen writer in the family. Her first poisonous letter destroyed her father's business and marriage as she wrote untrue things about her own father! Imagine, she was only in her teens then! Then she wrote a letter to me when she was in her 20s! That was 36 years ago. I always sensed she is a hypocrite and never mix much with her, but was always cordial and kept my peace. Then I started having problems with my NH. She went into full swing! She wrote to my NH to convince him to betray his own family. It was a golden opportunity for her as I discovered my NH infidelities. So having no one else, my NH turned on his own family to save his own skin by doing her bidding!<BR/><BR/>Having read these letters from her, there is a distinct pattern. The letter are first sugar-coated to lure the reader into believing she has good intentions. Then there is always a point in the letters where she will swing the axe against her victim. Literally! It is at these points in the letters where you see through her pathological envy and rage!<BR/><BR/>These Ns have no conscience like normal people. They have no remorse. Against my better judgement, I showed my emotions and learned the hard way! Then she became like a pack of wolves, smelling blood, mine! She would not go away. Instead she plot and lie and is disintegrating the entire family with her grandiosity and evil intentions.<BR/><BR/>If you must write, you cannot write in your name. To them, you are NOTHING! So if you write, then write in God's name, as they are fearful and superstitious. So Anna, you are RIGHT about not having to conceal one's frustrations or anger but to put the point across bluntly that you will not tolerate any of their bullying and interference. They fear exposure the most! They continue to do evil because they have been sheltered by well-meaning people around them who are in denial of their menance to their families and to society!<BR/><BR/>Governments should make all parents-to-be take a test, to ascertain if they can be good and decent parents. Getting a driving license is harder than becoming a parent. Yet being parents is the greatest responsibility of all for a human being.<BR/><BR/>Ns are NOT human beings! They are predators! They feed on their own kind even!<BR/><BR/>Once you expose them, you will not recognize them and you will berate yourself why you did not see through them in the first place and you mourn your loss, but you will recover, stronger and wiser.<BR/><BR/>In the thick of it!<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-30680848430574196952008-05-15T09:10:00.000-06:002008-05-15T09:10:00.000-06:00In reference to my last comment above. I said tha...In reference to my last comment above. I said that narcissists don't differentiate between types of supply (attention)...they'll take positive or negative. That wasn't accurate. Each narcissist does have their preferred form of supply. When <I>desperate</I> they won't differentiate. They get a hell of a lot less picky. <BR/><BR/>All my life I has a juicy, sweet meal of supply for my Nmother. The source (me) started to lose its quality over time. The source of supply became infrequent and of a greatly diminished quality by the year 2000. After 2002 she was getting nothing from me. One day she gets a letter. A long letter forcing some truth in her face. Yes, it was negative attention and yes, she showed signs that she was feeding off the negative attention since that was all she could get from me.<BR/><BR/>Here's an analogy. My mother was used to gourmet food (i.e. supply). She could expect to order a meal whenever she wanted it. The food was pleasant to the eye and the taste. It was plentiful. (i.e. positive attention.) But due to changes in the free market gourmet became unavailable. Now she was having to eat boxed macaroni, and even that was hard to come by. Finally, she is starving because all food sources dried up completely. She is so hungry that when her daughter sends her a <I>rat</I>, mommy dearest is willing to make a meal out of it. Would rat be her first choice for dining? Hardly. In a heartbeat she would grab that gourmet food again. But when gourmet is not a choice, when all other food sources are gone, rat starts to look kinda edible. <BR/><BR/>It is stringy, tough, nasty looking. But when you're starving it is better than nothing. <BR/><BR/>Yeah. My mother received attention from my letter. But it was her last meal. And her last meal was <I><B>rat</I></B>. <BR/><BR/>Narcissists will take the negative when the positive is in short supply. If you send them a meal of rat then, rest assured, they are pissed about that. They'll eat it cuz they are desperate, not because it tastes good. There is something satisfying knowing you're sending them meals of rat. Don't use the fear of giving them attention to stop you from feeding them rat if'n it a way to further your quest to mental and emotional freedom.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-24755902864194502392008-05-15T06:44:00.000-06:002008-05-15T06:44:00.000-06:00Kathy will definitely be missed. How sad.Kathy will definitely be missed. How sad.Cinder Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04925192227589155516noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-17935883921251023962008-05-14T22:35:00.000-06:002008-05-14T22:35:00.000-06:00I'm well aware of the NPD's all-consuming lust for...I'm well aware of the NPD's all-consuming lust for attention and how they don't differentiate between positive and negative attention. This post offered another perspective though. The perspective of some things that can be gained for <I>us</I> by putting our thoughts in a letter to the narcissist. It really isn't about them. It is about what we can gain psychologically. And there <I>are</I> gains that can be had. But, again, it is a decision that must be made by the individual in the situation. <BR/><BR/>I know my Nmother and very narcissistic sister extremely well. I had to study them as if my life depended on it....because it did depend on it. I know that my letters get way, way deep under their skin. It is like a perpetual burr under their saddles. They don't rest well now that I've exposed them. It is like I see them unclothed. They <I>hate</I> it. My mother has given up all effort to contact me. My sister has made this most recent attempt after two years of silence. I am confident it will be much longer before I hear from her again after she gets another letter from me. My last letter to her left a door of hope open for her, so I totally expected this moment. <BR/><BR/>Some Ns have some considerable difficulty dealing with the idea that one of their best mirrors has stopped working. Some part of their minds are always aware of the defection and it unsettles them. I have proof of this. Ruining some part of their lives works for me.<BR/><BR/>Documentation. A clear chain of evidence to prove to yourself you've done all you can. A chance to finally say all the things you have stuffed for fear of their wrath just so you know you've said it. Finally. More reasons, apart from whatever lusts the narcissist may have, to write that letter. So <I>what</I> if they get a boner over the negative attention. That letter is the herald of a new era. They can linger over that letter like it is a slick porn magazine for all I care because it is all they are getting from me. Cold, cold comfort. The deafening silence that follows in the wake of that letter will eventually be all they have.<BR/><BR/>To each their own.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-53007791471807916212008-05-14T21:07:00.000-06:002008-05-14T21:07:00.000-06:00What a loss. Her voice, her wit and her passion wi...What a loss. Her voice, her wit and her passion will be missed by us all.Jeannette Alteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-66769867192755227002008-05-14T19:30:00.000-06:002008-05-14T19:30:00.000-06:00My experience suggests that NPD is largely an atte...My experience suggests that NPD is largely an attention seeking disorder that fails to discriminate in the usual way between positive or negative feedback. In short, NPD's are relatively indifferent to whether you hand them fawning praise or launch laser guided missiles pinpointing their dysfunction ... whether verbally, in writing or in a film documentary. <BR/><BR/>They are just getting off on the idea that you are paying attention to them, and as a consequence, they are likely to pay more attention to you.<BR/><BR/>NPD's have no interest in you or anybody else other than as an instrument to serve their need for attention.<BR/><BR/>So if you stop paying attention to them, they will eventually determine that you are not giving what they want, and they will turn elsewhere to satisfy their needs. <BR/><BR/>But as long as you keep trying to defeat them with actions, they are winning and you are losing ... unless you need their attention.<BR/><BR/>Of course, I could be wrong!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82430281155946951632008-05-14T19:28:00.000-06:002008-05-14T19:28:00.000-06:00Oh dear God.... Kathy Krajco's gone?I was very wor...Oh dear God.... Kathy Krajco's gone?<BR/><BR/>I was very worried because none of her blogs were being updated... <BR/><BR/>This is awful. I don't want to believe it. It must be true, but I wish to God it weren't.<BR/><BR/>God hold her fast in His eternal love.Stormchildhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05039949137714076734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-74184776608208246032008-05-14T18:18:00.000-06:002008-05-14T18:18:00.000-06:00I'm sorry, but I know nothing more than what the o...I'm sorry, but I know nothing more than what the obituary says. I have no access to anyone who knew Kathy personally. I hope if someone out there learns more that they'll share it with us at some point.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-68009777757347544772008-05-14T18:09:00.000-06:002008-05-14T18:09:00.000-06:00Anna,I am stunned. Do you happen to know any deta...Anna,<BR/><BR/>I am stunned. Do you happen to know any details of how or why she died suddenly? <BR/><BR/>Anything further you might be able to pass on would be greatly appreciated...Cathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04146169503042368869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-58820041717987726552008-05-14T17:18:00.000-06:002008-05-14T17:18:00.000-06:00Re: Kathy KrajcoWhat a HUGE loss to us! I am dee...Re: Kathy Krajco<BR/><BR/>What a HUGE loss to us! I am deeply saddened by this news. <BR/><BR/>May she rest in the Arms of Our Heavenly Father.<BR/><BR/>krlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-14528135789870394362008-05-14T15:05:00.000-06:002008-05-14T15:05:00.000-06:00O NO...My heart is pounding a million miles a minu...O NO...My heart is pounding a million miles a minute now...I'm at a loss for words.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for the link, anna.<BR/><BR/>Hugs,<BR/>CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-54595620876757713522008-05-14T14:59:00.000-06:002008-05-14T14:59:00.000-06:00Sorry I missed your announcemnt.This is sad. I sus...Sorry I missed your announcemnt.<BR/><BR/>This is sad. I suspect she must have been ill as I wrote her in April and did not get a reply.<BR/>She replied promptly always. <BR/><BR/>What a great woman. <BR/><BR/>I will be praying for her soul.JoanOfWorkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14579176070439657409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-26098895511065316662008-05-14T14:08:00.000-06:002008-05-14T14:08:00.000-06:00Oh, my heart is broken today.Mine, too, L.E. A bri...<I>Oh, my heart is broken today.</I><BR/><BR/>Mine, too, L.E. A brilliant voice silenced far, far too soon.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-12036637937166447022008-05-14T13:47:00.000-06:002008-05-14T13:47:00.000-06:00I can't believe it. What a loss. She was an amazin...I can't believe it. What a loss. She was an amazing woman, and she accomplished so much. Oh, my heart is broken today.<BR/><BR/>--L.E.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-14294371713260361862008-05-14T12:17:00.000-06:002008-05-14T12:17:00.000-06:00Oh, no, Kathy Krajko! I have been wondering why h...Oh, no, Kathy Krajko! I have been wondering why her blog wasn't updated. I never DREAMED! Oh, I am sooo sorry.<BR/><BR/>RenewedAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-63639220647582569172008-05-14T12:13:00.000-06:002008-05-14T12:13:00.000-06:00Oh, I agree. Definitely write! Then decide at you...Oh, I agree. Definitely write! Then decide at your leisure if you will send. The act of writing will clear your mind.<BR/><BR/>RenewedAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-42291007612347485202008-05-14T11:36:00.000-06:002008-05-14T11:36:00.000-06:00Here is a link to the funeral home's online obitua...Here is a link to the funeral home's online obituary. You can still view and/or sign the guest book.<BR/><BR/>http://obit.schneiderfuneraldirectors.com/Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-34702302092288255782008-05-14T11:28:00.000-06:002008-05-14T11:28:00.000-06:00Jewell,I'm terribly afraid you are right. The lin...Jewell,<BR/><BR/>I'm terribly afraid you are right. The link you gave is broken now. I found a cached version to the obituary. It is definitely our Kathy.<BR/><BR/><I>Kathy S. Krajco, 56, of Janesville, died unexpectedly in her home. She will be missed by those whose lives she touched. She was born in Richland Center on April 12, 1952, the daughter of Frank and Adeline C. (Cervenka) Krajco, who preceded her in death. Kathy loved the companionship of her dog, Pierre.<BR/>She is survived by her sister, Terese Krajco of Janesville; many uncles, aunts, cousins, other relatives and friends.<BR/>A private memorial service will be held at ST. JOHN VIANNEY CATHOLIC CHURCH, with Father Randy Timmerman officiating. Inurnment will be held at Mt. Olivet Cemetery. SCHNEIDER APFEL SCHNEIDER & SCHNEIDER FUNERAL HOME is assisting the family with the arrangements. For online obituary and registry: www.schneiderfuneraldirectors.com</I><BR/><BR/>This is tragic and a terrible loss. She has left an incredible legacy in her knowledge on NPD. I hope her legacy lives on forever.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-52214838271964936412008-05-14T09:47:00.000-06:002008-05-14T09:47:00.000-06:00Anna - I am so scared about what I found online! ...Anna - I am so scared about what I found online! Please look --> I hope and pray this is not Kathy? So very sad if we have lost her, jewell.<BR/><BR/>http://gazettextra.com/obits/2008/may/12/kathy-krajco/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-42978521962728419772008-05-14T06:57:00.000-06:002008-05-14T06:57:00.000-06:00I am grateful for this post, Anna....and (once aga...I am grateful for this post, Anna....and (once again) astounded by your blog. Wow. What a gift you have! I would give my eyeteeth to know what your career choice is.....Whatever it is, I sure hope they appreciate and pay you well!<BR/><BR/>My Nmom takes the 'hilights' out of anything being said. That's why I didn't bother with a letter to her. She would take offense to the first thing she could grab hold of and run with it. (If you only knew how many books she says she has read....and that I 'must read'.....and I start them....seeing all her little pencil notes and asterisks and underlinings along each page...(oh...such a 'scholar'! Bah!)..for about 30 pages....and then, 'Poof'.....she gives up and passes it to me. Oh....but she is and 'expert' now on said subject! <BR/><BR/>Nah....I can't be bothered. I'm not saying I wouldn't LIKE to have been able to call her on each and every lie.....to be accurate and astute enough to get to the bottom of each and every piece of bullshit ever dropped on my head......but sometimes I just have to evaluate who I am and who I am not.....and this one is bigger than I am! I'll just let Judgement Day take care of this one.<BR/><BR/>BUT.....I could not...and would not....be able to sit here and write the above paragraph if I had not been led to this blog, Anna....and everyone else! What you all write and share has given me the strength and support I need to get on with my life....to cut my losses....and to take hold of what is left. I don't feel alone...I don't feel as much of a waste as I did....I'm not as depressed as I was....I'm not as fearful...etc. I'm not as CONFUSED. Wow.<BR/><BR/>So....I benefit from anyone and everyone who can and does grab this bull by the horns and can put it in words...and share it on this blog. THANK YOU.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-91520499704069598082008-05-13T18:22:00.000-06:002008-05-13T18:22:00.000-06:00NNL,The email address of mine that my sister has i...NNL,<BR/><BR/>The email address of mine that my sister has is an old one. I've had it for almost 10 years. Yes, I've deliberately kept it because it is the only access my FOO has to me now. And it is an avenue of access that I have control over. They don't have to know where I live to contact me. And if I don't feel like responding to an email...no response is always an option open to me. <BR/><BR/>Yes! I'm surely glad that the occasional weed that pops up isn't a big deal. I'll be nuking that weed here real soon. I'm sure it won't be popping back up any time soon again. I have my response completed now. I'm just sorta sitting on it for another day or so to make sure it says what I want it to say. I keep tweaking it here and there. With letters I have written in the past I wait until the urge to tweak seems to have passed for a full 24 hours...then I hit "send".Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.com