tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post1396846839969106904..comments2024-03-16T14:19:24.563-06:00Comments on Narcissists Suck: Devalued and Thrown on the Junk HeapAnna Valerioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-20100384042895065762016-12-28T19:00:32.858-07:002016-12-28T19:00:32.858-07:00If you've ever watched the show Hannibal, it h...If you've ever watched the show Hannibal, it hits really close to home. I won't spoil it by saying anything, but it is a perfect representation of the narc nd the relationships nd people around him. Many different types of people are depicted, including the (codependent) empath, (codependent) inverted narc, classic narc, "child", enabler, FMs, etc. It's both surreal and relieving to see it all so clearly in the form of a tv show. <br /><br />Its also quite triggering.. I started watching the show before I knew about npd and my nmom being a fucking psycho. I then found out about all this when I was on the last few episodes of the last season. It was truly fascinating to watch. The characters and their reactions to what's happening to them are all so real. I remember thinking how could they be so blind and stupid but now I see..... They weren't poorly written characters but rather quite the opposite. <br /><br />And I think the final message it leaves you with is probably very true. It's something Sam Vaknin has talked about. Really recommend watching the show. Kind of feels a bit cathartic nd also terrifying to be "reliving it" vicariously. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02441800673939261467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-55911557522969621792016-02-02T14:03:40.035-07:002016-02-02T14:03:40.035-07:00I was lucky my n ex girlfriend began to really sho...I was lucky my n ex girlfriend began to really show her true colours after my father died and I really needed support, guess what I did not get the support. I say I was lucky because it did not last long after that. We who use this blog are lucky because we know what we have been dealing with, there are many poor schmucks who are in the middle of the shit and do not have a clue what is happening to them. I am indebted to my friend who gave me websites to look at which gave me an insight into NPD. Blogs like this and others are a great help, they tell us we are not on our own, reassure us we are not to blame and let us know we are not going mad. DAVEAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12240830003825448343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-64346448750801218652015-10-26T17:48:56.597-06:002015-10-26T17:48:56.597-06:00I am with you, mike m. the world would be a much ...I am with you, mike m. the world would be a much better (and emotionally safer place) for the rest of us! roserosecutiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00621865174976056485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-77416562875830779072015-06-29T08:23:08.742-06:002015-06-29T08:23:08.742-06:00Personally...I feel if someone took every narcissi...Personally...I feel if someone took every narcissist in the world,put them all up against a wall,and mowed them all down with a .50 calibre machine_gun,I would not shed 1 tear for any of them. Not 1. And I would view the world as a much better place. Judgemental? Maybe...call it what you will. Just my honest feelings.mike mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01558209816511919371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-12762588534283952692013-06-05T23:53:52.250-06:002013-06-05T23:53:52.250-06:00i am married to a N he swept me off my feet - I ...i am married to a N he swept me off my feet - I left my husband of 32 years had to forego my lovely home and as soon as I married him he changed. I didnt understand why we had no intimacy in our marriage - we had had a fantastic sex life up until then -he said he had always been that way - no personal little intimacies just nothing... He has had 2 other wives and lots of affairs (how stupid was I not to spot that one!) The sex dwindled and stopped- but I was the one that decided that wanting him all the time just hurt too much -and I decided that next to nothing (and hurting all the time) I would just put a stop to it and stop all the hurting. There is no affection at all now = no cuddles few kisses and we sleep in seperate rooms - we are selling the house we live in and then I will be gone with the remnants of my life at 65 years old. Luckily for me I found out about Ns a year ago and have been "programming" myself since then to separate myself from him emotionally - but it will still be hard and it will still hurt like hell.chrisyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07131008045928475870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-43617854237139082532011-03-29T20:35:33.585-06:002011-03-29T20:35:33.585-06:00Holy cow! My heart was racing as I read this. Ha...Holy cow! My heart was racing as I read this. Having been deeply hurt by a person like this, it has not been easy to heal. Everything here sounds EXACTLY like him! I'm trying to process this information. I'll come back in a while. I have never felt lower in my life. I still feel that way. I still need time.copperpothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04367493742938523610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-68021119216752260212009-11-04T09:56:32.012-07:002009-11-04T09:56:32.012-07:00if i do not have any more emotional outbursts, kee...<i>if i do not have any more emotional outbursts, keep a bit back from him, manage him as best i can, do you think i can keep him and protect myself from further damage till i'm ready to quit?</i><br /><br />Who can tell? It sounds like your strategy will likely help you extend the length of the relationship. Whether or not you'll prevent yourself from further damage in the process only time will tell. Good luck with that one.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-31333818144008100762009-11-04T04:57:17.445-07:002009-11-04T04:57:17.445-07:00Just realised my part time lover is a narci. tryi...Just realised my part time lover is a narci. trying to lose interest but till i do i want to keep him for a few reasons, while the good still outweighs the bad - only just. if i do not have any more emotional outbursts, keep a bit back from him, manage him as best i can, do you think i can keep him and protect myself from further damage till i'm ready to quit?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-65482437933722325282009-05-27T05:46:37.361-06:002009-05-27T05:46:37.361-06:00I had been out of contact with the narcissist, my ...I had been out of contact with the narcissist, my mother for 6 years. It was a terrible struggle to get away but I always had some guilt around it. So, with distance I started to contact. Because I had gone to ACOA and Ala-non meetings, my recovery felt pretty strong. I tested the waters and recontacted. The mother pull is very strong. But during the course of the years, other family members trashed me, I was literally crucified behind my back. I was left with no one in my corner. In my sick thinking, I just sent cards on special ocassions. I can see now that by going back, I set the ball in motion. I was ready to really test the waters and made arrangements to see my mother. But during a phone conversation, my stepfathers voice triggered a trauma response and I went into "fight or flight." I cancelled my trip (thank God they live 1200 miles away) and called a therapist to do some EMDR work around this. But I'm scared to death. My behavior looks narcissistic. I remember learning early on that this kind of behavior is a "mindf---." In an effort to test my recovery and establish a relationship with my mother, I proved them all right. I know I did this to myself by even attempting a reconnection. So, if anyone out there has in their mind that it might work out, trash the idea immediately. In Sam Vatkin's book he mentions something about the strange and ironic turn of events that the victim becomes the narcissist. This is almost eery but in trying to reconnect, my behavior "looks" narcissistic. I know from my recovery work that it was genuine and all I was experiencing was a need for that mothering that I did not get. This feels like it's getting twisted though. I am truly humbled by this experience. I do envision that (in my mind of course) family members rallying around her, trying to soothe her, feeling sorry for her and giving her all kinds of narcissistic supply. Meanwhile, they are also thinking "she was right about her daughter all along." As you can see, the victim was the problem all along.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-87917966604737823542009-05-03T08:51:00.000-06:002009-05-03T08:51:00.000-06:00Hi,
thank you, thank you, thank you... everytime ...Hi,<br /><br />thank you, thank you, thank you... everytime I get upset and think back about his rage and complete devaluation after which he started to pack my bags and told me to leave, I come back to this blog and sort of comfort myself with the cat and mouse comparison.<br /><br />He litteraly used the word "convenience" when I asked him to describe to me what I had meant to him for the last two years; I was a convenience. I just happened to be there.<br /><br />Words can't describe the hurt and pain I felt and still feel sometimes. Again; thank you for your blog and helping to disengage and detach from the feelings of betrayel.<br /><br />LiselotteAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-31853742472839622712009-01-07T15:31:00.000-07:002009-01-07T15:31:00.000-07:00I had two friendships that went the way you descri...I had two friendships that went the way you described in your first paragraph and the other comments you quoted: "But then, often abruptly and inexplicably, it is all over. The narcissist is cold, uninterested and remote." <BR/>"...narcissists simply get tired of their sources. They get bored. There is no mathematical formula which governs this." <BR/><BR/>The first friend (of 15 yrs.) dumped me, stopped returning phone calls, disappeared off the face of the earth, and it happened after I told her I'd had a miscarriage. A couple of months later a mutual friend called me, said she was still in contact with that friend and she was telling people I was too boring for her. <BR/><BR/>A couple of years ago I read a book called "What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over" by Liz Pryor. After reading this post, I wondered how many of the friends she talked about were really narcissists.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-82767610068169991802008-12-14T08:05:00.000-07:002008-12-14T08:05:00.000-07:00newly made awareI feel so stupid that I was sucked...newly made aware<BR/>I feel so stupid that I was sucked in by this couple. The inflation stage lasted for 3 years and just ended abrubtly. I don't feel bad we both my husband and I feel relief...but I know that thsi MN is bashing me in public and had the nerve to call me at work yesterday to provoke a fight and now I can tell that I was still feeding her and now I know to totally disconnect and say good riddens!!! THANK YOU!!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-64848347474705201932008-02-27T12:05:00.000-07:002008-02-27T12:05:00.000-07:00When leaving our former church I remember a night ...When leaving our former church I remember a night where my husband and I were in bed and he said to me, Honey, _______ never was your friend. He then detailed our relationsip. I cried and cried and didn't believe him. I then asked my true friend, my daughter and finally a sister that only visited occasionally. They all said the same thing. <BR/><BR/>I have never heard my relationship with my pastor's wife and myself detailed so exactly as this post. Some things have finally made sense to me. I will be grateful for a very long time.<BR/>Thanks.Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04357293290630832549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-37900710613948131162008-02-21T13:39:00.000-07:002008-02-21T13:39:00.000-07:00WiW, check this link out:How to respond to BS peop...WiW, check this link out:<BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/2008/02/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high.html" REL="nofollow">How to respond to BS people</A>.<BR/><BR/>I'm none too keen on the title of the blog, but he has some great advice on how to distance yourself from crappy people, and not just BPD abusers either.<BR/><BR/>If you think stalking may be involved, then check out:<BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html" REL="nofollow">No Nonsense Self Defense</A>.<BR/><BR/>Has helpful info on stalking and recommends books/ways of dealing with, er, less pleasant people. I link that place a lot for it is very good!So, what IS in a heart?https://www.blogger.com/profile/00482423451947167280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-49123832010352488272008-02-21T12:40:00.000-07:002008-02-21T12:40:00.000-07:00I completely understand. I am always on the watch...I completely understand. I am always on the watch for my husband's former wife and his kids. We do live in a beautiful area, but may be moving to TN soon. We have family in the south and we would like to get away from the N's reach. She is so obsessed, though. I don't know if moving will do any good in the long run.Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-1068281400483883472008-02-21T12:32:00.000-07:002008-02-21T12:32:00.000-07:00WIW,Yes, it is usually the case that other Christi...WIW,<BR/><BR/>Yes, it is usually the case that other Christians are more of a problem than a help in dealing with malignant narcissists. This is one reason I take on some of the usual crap that Christians like to hand out like Job's Comforters and insert reality into the mix. You have my heartfelt sympathies. <BR/><BR/>By the way, you live very near where my sister does. (Gorgeous part of the state you're in though a bit too wet for my tastes!) I am presently "no contact" with her. When I saw you in my stats I wondered for just a moment if my sister had found my blog. I keep an eye out for her. The day she finds my descriptions of her here is going to be a <I>very</I> interesting day indeed.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-33663795777177673592008-02-21T12:15:00.000-07:002008-02-21T12:15:00.000-07:00Hi, Anna:Yes, I'm new. I was directed to your sit...Hi, Anna:<BR/><BR/>Yes, I'm new. I was directed to your site from Kathy's by another person (so, what is in a heart?). I am a strong Christian, which is probably what has kept me and my husband sane throughout the past eight years. I can't say that the "christian community" has been at all helpful, in fact, most of our friends have been converted to the other side, I should have said "former" friends. Anyway, it is a welcome relief to find that we are not alone. Perhaps I should write my own blog about all we have been through. :)Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-35173112942032580922008-02-21T12:11:00.000-07:002008-02-21T12:11:00.000-07:00So--discarding relationships isn't necessarily due...<I>So--discarding relationships isn't necessarily due to anything other than protecting yourself from a vicious N.</I><BR/><BR/>You're new here, welcome :o). This is well understood and extensively covered on this blog. Going no contact with a destructive narcissist is usually the only real option for sanity and safety. It is definitely not related to what the narcissist does to their former sources of supply as discussed in this post. Most of the time what I cover here is the importance of going "no contact" with a malignant narcissist. This post is the flip side of my usual presentation. The motivations for decent people to end a relationship are as far removed from the malignant narcissist's motivations as the next galaxy. Which is why the MN's motivations must be examined...people usually don't "get" what is going on because they assume MN's have normal reactions to things. They don't. Hence, the necessity to spell out what they do and the perverse reasons they do them.Anna Valerioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02537877317873251678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-6715634460222037722008-02-21T11:23:00.000-07:002008-02-21T11:23:00.000-07:00On the flip side of this, my husband chose to end ...On the flip side of this, my husband chose to end his relationship with his daughter because of her behaviors. Now he is the "villian" because he closed the door to access to our lives until she genuinely repents. <BR/><BR/>It is really not that he "discarded" her--she sold her relationship to him to the highest bidder (her mother and her grandparents) and started a character assassination campaign while still living in our home. At one time we had all three of his kids living with us fulltime w/o one cent of child support from the ex-harridan. The grandparents were sending her $ to a "private" bank account which we accidentally learned of. When he confronted her, she lied about it all, although we had the proof right there. Amazing, truly amazing. In addition, we had copies of e-mails that she'd sent to friends and both of our families portraying herself as Cinderella. My husband told her that he was putting her on probation for three months, and that if she wanted to continue living with us she would have to stop what she was doing. She chose instead to go live with her mother, but was warned that if she continued her character assassination it would end his relationship with her. She not only continued but became 100x worse. <BR/><BR/>So--discarding relationships isn't necessarily due to anything other than protecting yourself from a vicious N.Writer in Washingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12862858479312461659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-24553058576643349822008-02-20T12:46:00.000-07:002008-02-20T12:46:00.000-07:00I guess what I meant by my use of exceptionalism c...I guess what I meant by my use of exceptionalism concerned my duplicity in having believed my N's rhetoric regarding my "specialness," distinguishing me from all others that ran in our circle. <BR/><BR/>Don't get me wrong, I hold this thug accountable for being an overall soulless person. However, it has caused me to do a painful amount of introspection, as I have been caught up in similar relationships in the past. At this point, I am working on changing what it is about myself that seems to make it easy to gravitate towards narcissists. One thing is to go with my gut in the future. I think we call get those little clues that something is drastically off about a person, but we ignore it and only remember it when it's too late! <BR/><BR/>Over the span of three years,I noticed my N easily discard "friends" and heard them talk about other significant "others" they had easily left, as if it were as easy and natural as breathing. To be sure, the clues to my ultimate fate and their true lack of regard for me were firmly laid out before me for several years. However, they actively went to great lengths to inculcate my "specialness" in me, which I think we can all fall prey to. It's this I'm trying to work on, as from what I've been told, N's don't ever really change, but I can, and in such a way that I can avoid such disasters in the future.<BR/><BR/>From my own experience,the devalue/discard routine is perhaps the most mind-numbingly cruel aspect of ending a relationship with an N. I think I'd describe it as being left in an uncomfortable twilight world, caught between knowing the truth intellectually and not being willing to accept it emotionally.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-28266935709480697562008-02-20T10:18:00.000-07:002008-02-20T10:18:00.000-07:00I just want to say thank you. Your posts never fai...I just want to say thank you. Your posts never fail to open my eyes. As a child of a N mother and a father who was himself raised by 2 N parents, it has taken me an incredibly long time to understand our family dynamic.<BR/>I'm finally "getting it". I'm finally able to see my mother for what she is, and how her actions, upsetting though they may be aren't "personal".<BR/>It isn't easy, and I still fall into the trap of expecting my parents to act like, well, "parents". <BR/>But anyway, thank you. It's so nice, after all these years to know that it isn't me that's the crazy one.Liesel Elliotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14054107405202186466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-34781557881462080702008-02-20T03:27:00.000-07:002008-02-20T03:27:00.000-07:00For Anon Feb. 18, 7:12am, you and Anna have explai...For Anon Feb. 18, 7:12am, you and Anna have explained what has been troubling me for the last year as I deal with Devalue/Discard from N spouse. It felt like being locked in battle, with him ascrbing all blame to me, but I can now see the profound depth and complexity of his manipulations. Down to the tiniest details, he has worked to control every interaction, especially the last few years. It felt so personal, and has been so destructive, but the cat/mouse explanation makes perfect sense. Yes, I was the actual mouse in his jaws, but it really wasn't about me. How sad/horrible to have to realize how he made the nearly 20 yr marriage rot from the inside out. "jewell"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-4646436237608223652008-02-19T16:21:00.000-07:002008-02-19T16:21:00.000-07:00This is so timely. I just got "tooled" by this fa...This is so timely. I just got "tooled" by this family N and wanted to provide this example.<BR/><BR/>It was a long hard day for me in which I had traveled in bad weather, got a lot of work done, and was finally ready to head back home. n-sis calls right before I'm leaving- can I give her a ride, please, it'll be quick. She knew she would be needing this favor but gave me no notice until I'm ready to leave. I'm annoyed but if she needs it, fine. <BR/><BR/>Then as I'm getting in the car I hear her say to n-mom "I was going to have Sheila (her daughter) bring me but this was just as easy." Sheila is unemployed, lives at home and was lounging around the house doing nothing. I did not know Sheila was home. How is it just as easy to call me, have me go over there, drive her there and back out of my way, when someone in her house could have just made one trip? I am disabled, twice Sheila's age and had been up since 4:00 a.m. working. N knows all of this. <BR/><BR/>It was just as easy to have me do the task because I'm an object for use. Sheila is not. Sheila would do if I, the tool, were not there. It does not matter that the object is less able to do the task than the person, Sheila, or that the object may be damaged. Things don't suffer. An object can be dented, cracked, broken but to the N, pain, feelings, don't come into the picture. It was "just as easy" to assign a task to this object. Easier, I'd say.<BR/><BR/>It would seem intentional or personal, wouldn't it? It's not. And she gave me a pie. That was just the equivalent of greasing the old mower after you've abused it, so it'll work the next time.<BR/><BR/>And you know what I want to do with that pie.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-6155610169360188872008-02-19T12:15:00.000-07:002008-02-19T12:15:00.000-07:00I'm wondering if the 'exceptional' reference from ...I'm wondering if the 'exceptional' reference from 'anonymous' was meant more like being exceptionally patient, exceptionally loyal, exceptionally longsuffering, exceptionally understanding toward the N....thinking that surely this would make a difference because we thought no one else had tried as hard....and because we felt that everyone else had just dismissed them too soon. (At least, that was MY experience with my Nmom....and how I felt over 50 years with her....and of course, REALLY felt shat upon when I realized what I know now.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32237145.post-20663980437756072008-02-19T11:14:00.000-07:002008-02-19T11:14:00.000-07:00Anonymous @ 10:48.Why would you have to consider y...Anonymous @ 10:48.<BR/><BR/>Why would you have to consider yourself "exeptional" in order to receive common decency and courtesy from another human being?<BR/><BR/>You are hardly narcissistic yourself. You are simply seeing this from the narcissists point of view... that you would indeed HAVE to be exceptional in order to receive this kind of treatment from THEM. Heaven forbid!Cathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04146169503042368869noreply@blogger.com