Thursday, August 31, 2006

Ways That Narcissists Show They Are Aware of the Crimes

As I have reflected on history with my narcissistic mother I have been able to see clear indications of her awareness of her crimes against me. I suspect you've seen the same indications with your own narcissist. I'll name a couple of them:

1) All my life she has hated my friends. I know now it is because they have always been a threat to her control of my mind. She made it clear to me, starting when I was very young, that I was not allowed to speak of the things that went on in our house. It was none of anyone's business, she would say. It was repeated often that talking about her or our family life was wrong, disloyal, bad. (Even though she freely gossips to whoever about immediate family members when it suits her.) Despite the ongoing propaganda she was never sure whether or not I was sharing things with my friends; she always imagined signs that they didn't like her and how that was directly my fault. It is likely you've also seen this paranoia and active campaign against any and all of your friendships.

Proof one: Her need to hide facts is a sign of someone who knows on some level that their behavior is wrong. On some level narcissists know that they are abusing, using and hurting you.

2) Another thing is that she lies, covers up and minimizes her bad actions of past and present. When someone lies then you have direct proof that they know the truth. If she didn't know that her behaviors were bad then she'd have no need to lie about them. The rages, the martyr act, the helpless act, the many and varied manipulations are all ways that the N are trying to control your perceptions of them. They are trying to control your mind so you will reflect back to them how they want to see themselves. It is all deception. Varied forms of it. The use of deception in any and all its forms is proof of an awareness of truth.

So, does this awareness of theirs indicate they are evil? Some say yes....some say no. I say, yes. More on that next time.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

You've Been Brainwashed....Part Two

The Narcissist is like a cult leader...

My Nmother is a somatic narcissist i.e. obsessed with her beauty and/or sexuality. "Stunningly beautiful" is what most would call her for many decades of her life. But, alas, age will eventually make its mark no matter how successfully you've heretofore escaped its ravages. As my Nmother reached her sixth decade she needed a new gig. It was harder....well, damn near impossible, to convince herself that she was the most beautiful woman in whatever room she was standing in anymore. Her grandiosity bubble of being the Belle of the Ball was threatening to explode on her. Enter: the religious narcissist. If she can't be the most beautiful, she will be the most "spiritual". (Although, she still thinks she's gorgeous.) She will define what "spiritual" means in such as way that only she can stand at the pinnacle of achievement. She alone sits on the right hand of God, He speaks to her personally. About you and your failings. She is so "good" she would probably try to judge God Himself.

The next thing a highly "spiritual" narcissist needs is a following. Through her charisma and convincing aura of authority she was able to form what can only be described as a cult. She was the leader....the unquestioned leader (no questions allowed!). Cult members were hand-chosen by her. They were expected to be mere supplicants to her great wisdom. They must submit to her definitions of them. They must hang on her every word. They must listen to her shifting definitions of morality and incorporate them into every day life. Of course, what is right one day is wrong the next which is very unbalancing to your mind and keeps the narcissist in control. Hers is the voice of the Holy not act like you believe that to be true will result in harsh penalties. She took up more and more control of their everyday lives.

At this point in time I was not in her "cult". I had distanced myself from her considerably, both emotionally and geographically, before she overtly took on the mantle of spiritual leader. In fact, it was the first donning of her "spiritual" clothes that pushed me further away from her before the final break. It was a heightening of hypocrisy that was completely loathsome to me since I knew what an evil person she still was. I knew she was a laughable farce. At the time I didn't realize how far she was going to go with her new spiritual gig.

A couple years after she formed her cult following, I was able to start observing from a distance what she was doing inside of her cult. Unbeknownst to her I had infiltrated her secretive cult. One of the "members" was starting to question the craziness and was willing to confide in me. This person was a relative of mine. A female cousin. (This cousin confirmed my suspicion that she was being groomed as my replacement. My Nmother felt she deserved a "dutiful" daughter which I no longer was.) My cousin seemed the perfect substitute. Sweet, compliant, prone to question herself (not others). Set up for full exploitation by my Nmother, her aunt. As my cousin confided more and more what was happening in the "cult" I was given absolute confirmation of my Nmother's instinctive use of mind-control techniques. She was always good at these methods, but the added force of religious power gave even more effectiveness to her megalomanical control techniques. Nothing like claiming power over another person's soul to increase the level of control exponentially. One might call it the ultimate in power grabs.

I have observed that all narcissists have an instinctive understanding of how to brainwash. Among the many techniques of mind control (for brevity's sake, not listed here), narcissists forbid their "cult members" from talking to anyone outside the "cult". Narcissists forbid "cult members" from talking about the N leader to each other...unless, of course, to express adulation and worship. Those rules are specifically made to prevent anyone from seeing the grotesque system that has its fingers around their throats. A systematic campaign of slander by the narcissist divides the "members" from each other. These tactics keep you from getting free and will hamper your attempts at freedom if you can't silence the narcissist's voice in your head and proceed with talking with someone about what you've gone through. Just substitute the word "family" or "parent" for "cult leader" and the picture is the same. In order to escape, you will have to get brave enough to break these rules (and ignore the narcissist who is raging in your head, if not in your face, saying you are betraying them, you are ungrateful, disloyal, and a loathsome worm for doing it). Just like a cult member, the fastest track to breaking the control of the system you are in is to make a clean break. Even if it is for just a period of time. That time can allow a person to gain enough strength so a future contact with their "cult leader" won't be as likely to suck them back into the cult.

All the various effects of brain-washing are the most profound in those raised by narcissists. There are many aspects to dealing with a narcissist that normal people just won't tolerate. But if you've been taught from your earliest moments in the N-system, then you put up with a lot more crap than most will. This is what set up my cousin for exploitation. She was raised by a narcissist mother herself. Her thinking was clouded by the N-imposed reality of her youth. She was rich supply for any narcissist who came along.

If you were raised by a narcissist, you will tend to find yourself trapped in a succession of relationships with narcissists because you seem to be a "magnet" for them. The truth is this: everyone bumps into narcissists in the course of life. The difference between you and the other person is that you have been taught to discount your own experience in favor of the reality-revision of another person. You have been trained to deny what your own eyes and ears tell you in favor of whatever the narcissist says happened. A non-ACON bumps into a narcissist and is quickly put-off by the narcissist's chronic lying, revisionism, and self-centeredness. Something just seems "off" to them and they walk away before the narcissist can do any damage. You, on the other hand, have a sense of familiarity with the narcissist. You've been here before. Maybe it'll go better this time around. If you work hard enough, if you just love them enough, maybe you can (unconsciously) prove that the original narcissist in your life would finally love you back. Without realizing it, you try to revise your history with your Nparent by a succession of relationships with other narcissists. It always ends badly. It always will. You've been brain-washed to believe the problem is you. No, the problem is the narcissist. Your only problem is that you tolerate them. You must de-program yourself before you find yourself once again trying to dance with a narcissist.

I am convinced that the most under-recognized and most abused group by narcissists is their own children. The abuse doesn't stop in childhood, either. Most, if not all, ACONs have to deal with abuse for as long as the parent lives. The evil of narcissism is alive and well and it feeds regularly on the flesh and blood of its children.

Your survival will often require a complete cut-off from the narcissist parent. This can be very difficult to do because you'll have to endure the added condemnation of a society that tends to think there is never a good enough reason to divorce a parent. Maintain discretion. Don't talk about your evil parent to anyone who'll listen. Give minimal answers to direct questions. It's no one else's business.

In order to de-program you will need to break one of the fundamental rules of the cult leader....start talking to others! Not just anybody, though. You need to find others who have been where you are. Those people probably won't be other family members. (But if there is a family member who has cut themselves off from your family it is likely they have come to see the dysfunction and chosen to not participate. They may or may not be willing to talk.) Normal people most likely will not understand that the face of evil sometimes looks like a mom or a dad. So they may end up giving you very unhelpful advice. No, unburden yourself with those who have themselves grappled with the narcissistic family system. There are many groups out there on the internet as well as helpful books. Access them. The next step after you've gained the moral strength is to extricate yourself from the cult. Do whatever is necessary to escape the trap. Chew off your leg if need be. You can't gain perspective very readily while you're emmeshed in the narcissist's version of reality which they constantly impose in every interaction with them.

A very helpful and supportive group for ACONs can be found at:

The archives are extensive and probably cover nearly every aspect of your experience.

Monday, August 14, 2006

You've Been Brainwashed by the Narcissist

Part One

There are many who've been caught in the vortex of a narcissist who come out the other side saying they felt like they had been brainwashed. I came to define it the same way myself a few years ago. The book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain you Dry" by Albert J. Bernstein calls it hypnosis. His case is convincing. He is also very helpful because he takes all the mystery out of the concept of hypnosis and enables you to understand how and why it works as well as what is in you that makes you susceptible to it. Get the book. Amazon sells it for around $10.

I was raised by a malignant narcissist who also happened to be my mother. Through the long and laborious process of growing up under the burden of misinformation and reality-bending forces imposed on me by her, I finally started to realize what I was dealing with (as I started pushing forty years old) and ultimately to escape (at age 43). I issued my narcissistic mother notice that I was "divorcing" her back in May of 2005.

Because I was emotionally and geographically estranged from her I had a different perspective as I observed my Nmother's antics in her dealings with others whom she had gained a grasp on (after her control of me had seriously waned). I started to see in her methods what I suspicioned could be classified as brainwashing techniques. I started reading up on the subject by doing some Google searches online. My hunch was completely confirmed. Note that I couldn't see the brainwashing when I was the recipient. It is only by looking back that I can see it in my own experience.

Note this quote from a 1956 document from the CIA about Communist brainwashing methods (available at :

"The brainwashed victim does not consciously change his value-system; rather the change occurs despite his efforts. He is no more responsible for this change than is an individual who "snaps" and becomes psychotic. And like the psychotic, the prisoner is not even aware of the transition."

I highly recommend you seriously consider this concept of brainwashing especially if you had a narcissist for a parent. It isn't your fault you were brainwashed. You had no idea what was happening, but to escape the narcissist you will have to de-program yourself. More on that in the next post.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Disclaimer on use of gender terminology in this blog

Many times I refer to the narcissist using the male gender. This is not a reflection of a belief that all, or even most, narcissists are male. In fact, I believe that there are as many female narcissists as male. The female narcissists often slip under the radar because their methodology is of the more subtle variety as a general rule. If I were to go by my personal experience alone I would tend to feel like there are more female than male narcissists because most of my entanglements with narcissists have been of the female variety.

Please don't assume I have a mind-set that is predisposed to thinking of the narcissist in terms of maleness. The gender terms are completely interchangable in my mind. As you read, please, insert whatever gender term you want comments apply to either one. My comments also apply to any and all narcissists whether they be lover, co-worker, child or a parent.

You are the same as the chair you're sitting on to the Narcissist

i.e. the only humanity the N recognizes is his own

Picture the narcissist who is preening and posing in the mirror you hold up to him. Does he see you? No more than you notice a mirror as you're checking out your own reflection. Does this explain to you why he knows so little about you? Why some of the most obvious things about you seem to be missed by him? He doesn't see you....he only sees his reflection in your face. The reflection is what he is playing to. Do you imagine that the narcissist loves you? He doesn't even see you, how can he love you? You are what he decides you are. Nothing more.
Give up any delusions you may have on this. The narcissist doesn't love you. The narcissist can't love you. He has no love or regard or compassion to spare. He only spends it on himself. The narcissist is the center of all things in their perverted little minds. This makes the narcissist above everyone else. They are gods of their own making.

To really get a sense for how the narcissist perceives you, you will need to picture a tool. Let's say a hammer. The hammer has no will of its own. The hammer's value is in how it serves you. When you pick up the hammer it is like an extension of your hand. We are able to use it without regard for how it must feel when we whack a nail with it. Of course, because it has no feelings. We don't have to think about the hammer, we simply use it to our own ends and then set it down and walk away when it has performed the function we wanted it for.

You are that hammer to the narcissist. All of us are merely tools made for their use. Extensions of themselves. We are like a table or chair or bookcase or toilet paper. The narcissist will become enraged if such inanimate tools decide to sprout a mind of their own and not perform and conform perfectly to their will. It is perceived as an attack! The default setting in the mind of the narcissist toward the rest of humanity is that we are not worth anything except as they imbue value in us. Then we are worth something, but only as much as the narcissist decides. We can be completely devalued in a moment and thrown out with the rest of the garbage.

Is it any wonder why you have spent so much time feeling devalued? Have you found yourself wondering if you even have the right to exist? The narcissist has been treating you like a tool and on some level you know it. You stay in the relationship because you remember how good it felt in the beginning. All your efforts have been to get back to that feeling. Those early days when the narcissist made you feel like a million bucks. The good moments with the narcissist are harder and harder to come by. Honey, welcome to the rest of your life if you choose to stay where you are.

Quit being a tool and dump the creep.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Malignant Narcissist

or....that word "malignant" is just another word for evil

If someone knows the difference between right and wrong but persistently chooses to do wrong, to cause harm, to injure, to kill (the body or soul), we can safely assign to that person the term evil. Because this is my blog, I'll elaborate.

The concept of evil has been around as long as humanity has. You may choose to believe it doesn't exist, but you would have to be either 1) a uniquely oblivious person or 2) evil yourself. (A convenient dodge for evil people is to do away with the term and they suddenly are free of exposure.) For the rest of you who are able to conceive that evil does exist, let's look at the concept as it relates to the malignant narcissist.

Among the various definitions of evil we find this one:

adj. : having or exerting a malignant influence

All the definitions of evil apply to the malignant narcissist, but let us focus on this one. Let's look at the word "malignant" because it is the word that is part of their official moniker, malignant narcissist. What is malignance? "Threating to life" "Highly injurious" "Disposed to do evil" "Malevolence".

We've already observed that narcissists have to have every shred of attention. What is attention but regard? Consideration? A value judgment? To withhold all attention and kindly human regard is a de valuation of you as a person. There is nothing more calculated to kill a human spirit than consistent de valuation of their humanity. This persistent behavior of the narcissist is pure malevolence. It is the "malignant" in the term malignant narcissist. I wish the psych community would dispense with the term "malignant" and come right out with it: evil narcissist.

The evil narcissist has to have it all. ("It all" refers not only to attention but to any good thing the N wants and you have.) Every bit of everything. If you have any, you must surrender it to the narcissist. If someone must have it all, then, in their minds, you must have nothing. To actively work toward the goal of depriving you of any good thing is a clear demonstration of "ill will". (The constant effort of the narcissist is to deprive you of anything that would prove your humanity which makes it easy for them to treat you like you're nothing. Not human. Therefore, you're not deserving of anything that the narcissist wants and you have.)

Another word for "ill will" is malevolent:

  1. Having or exhibiting ill will; wishing harm to others; malicious.
  2. Having an evil or harmful influence.
  3. Characterized by intense ill will or spite
  4. hateful
Malevolence toward another is evil.

We have seen that the malignant narcissist has an awareness of right and wrong by their many efforts to conceal their bad deeds. It is safe to assume that the narcissist has an active mindset of ill will, evil intent, malevolence toward others because of the pervasive pattern of their concealing behaviors. Do not waste your life believing the narcissist has good intentions. They are intent on having it all....that consistently translates into evil outcomes for you.

Statement of fact: the narcissist is evil. They are not poor souls who are always intending good only to have the outcome consistently end up bad for others. No, their intent is malignant. Evil. They know what is good and right and choose to do the opposite. Only when their behavior is liable to reflect poorly on them will they appear to do a good thing. But the intentions underneath are always all about them getting it all. In the dark with their vulnerable victims they reveal the truth of who they are....evil incarnate. If you've been in the dark with one of these creatures of the night then you know I have stated the truth about their evil characters.

Deny this truth at your own risk.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Narcissist or Psychopath

Just points along the continuum...

What happens if a person does manage to completely overcome their conscience so it disturbs them no more? Welcome to the unveiling of the psychopath. The psychopath has thrown off all constrictions of conscience and, consequently, societal strictures, thus making them capable of the most heartless and base crimes against humanity while they smirk and talk about how the victim deserved what they got. I'm not saying all, or even many narcissists, turn into psychopaths. There is no evidence for that, and I certainly don't believe it. I do believe it is accurate to assert, though, that all psychopaths are narcissists. More and more professionals are coming to see malignant narcissism as a continuum. A psychopath is the endpoint on that continuum of narcissism.

But our study here is the narcissist. The narcissist still has a conscience and, therefore, hides her crimes under a cloak of self-made righteousness. This pretense is unnecessary for someone who no longer has to assuage the urgent provocations of a conscience and no longer cares what others think (the psychopath).

How do we know the narcissist still has an operational conscience? Let's ask the question another way. How do we know the narcissist is aware of the difference between right and wrong? Because of the multiplied and extensive efforts they make to hide their bad acts. The truly insane person is defined as an individual who is unable to distinguish right from wrong and will therefore commit their crimes regardless of who is looking on. Their lack of any attempt to hide their crimes is how we determine they are insane, i.e. they lack rational ability and conscience. (By this definition, psychopaths are not insane. Rarely will our justice system allow a psychopath to claim insanity when the evidence shows the psychopath's many efforts to hide his crimes.) We don't see true insanity in the narcissist. We see them presenting an image of perfection to outsiders then going home to beat the wife and sexually abuse the kid. Then they will pull your face close to theirs and through snarling lips and gritted teeth tell you that if you try to expose their bad deed they will destroy you. This person knows what they are doing is wrong. They are careful as to when and where they commit their base acts. Only the helpless and the vulnerable get to see the fully unmasked narcissist. This is all the proof we need that they do indeed possess a conscience. Albeit, a perverted, abused and malfunctioning one.

The narcissist still has a conscience, as evidenced by their multiplied efforts to hide their bad acts. We have clear proof they know the difference between right and wrong. What are the implications of this reality? Tune in to future musings...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Attention is a pain-killer

The narcissist is a junkie.

Why? For the same reason people become addicted to drugs: it dulls the pain. What pain is the narcissist seeking deliverance from? Their pain is that of a conscience not given its due. They dodge, weave, connive, and lie to themselves, and others, constantly in order to cheat their conscience. A lie is a deliberate effort to conceal the truth. The narcissist lies because they know what the truth is. Truth is something the narcissist must fend off with all their might because truth is like the wooden stake through the heart for the vampire. They perceive truth as the enemy because it will destroy their flimsy house of cards. Always keep the thought in the back of your mind...the narcissist is aware of truth which is why she lies so much. She lies to you just as much as she lies to herself. Truth is their mortal enemy. Which is why, if you decide to embrace truth, you will have to let go of the narcissist.

We all have pain. It is the lot of humanity to have to deal with disappointments, failures in ourselves and those around us, loss, etc. So why don't we all end up like the narcissist? Is their psychic pain somehow more profound than ours? I think not. Their lack of introspection has rendered them too shallow to experience certain psychological pains to the extent that empathetic,compassionate, sensitive and introspective people can. Which brings me back to the source of their disturbance....a blighted, neglected, abused, subverted, perverted conscience.

A neglected conscience persecutes us. The defense against conscience used by the narcissist is to engage in a constant re-creation of reality in order to convince their conscience they are right, good, and justified in every way. The narcissist uses you to reflect back that false reality to them in order to make it feel real to them. As long as all their "mirrors" say back to them, "YOU are the fairest of them all", they can shut that voice of conscience down. If even one of their mirrors doesn't reflect back their false image of perfection, the conscience re surges with all the force resulting from its long repression. The narcissist goes into melt-down and is on the rampage of the crack addict looking for his next fix. Attention assuages the pain of the re-awakened conscience. Attention affirms to them that they are still god-like, they truly are grand, they are oh, so righteous. "Ooooooh, yeah, that feels sooo good" says the narcissist junkie.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Savior Complex

Otherwise known as beating your head against a wall...

If you are under the misconception that you could someday fill the attention-cup of the narcissist it is time for a reality check. There is no filling their vast reservoir. You can labor intensively for the rest of your life only to find yourself being condemned by the narcissist for never doing anything for them. (I'm betting you've already heard the narcissist say something like this.) At some point they will push you to utter hopelessness if you have insisted on clinging to the hope that you could ever be enough for them. My advice? Give it up now. Don't wait to hit the dregs of despair. Take that as sage advice from the voice of experience...because that is what it is.

Are you one of those people with a savior-complex? Are you convinced that the narcissist's redemption lies in the vast repository of love and hope you keep your heart? Alas, you have my very deepest sympathies. I assure you, at some point you will find yourself crashed upon the rocks of reality. Reality is this: no one can save the narcissist. How many more years of your life are you willing to waste on a project that is doomed to utter failure? A saviour can only save someone who recognizes their need for salvation. The narcissist is above all that. You are his inferior. You are the one in need of reformation so you can better fulfill the narcissist's endless demands.

And, please, think about this: When you expend yourself to fulfill the demands of the narcissist it is exactly the same as granting every petulant wish of a four year old. Has any four year old become better behaved by this indulgence? Quite the opposite. Neither will the narcissist. By sticking with him you are making him worse.

Stop right here and let that sink all the way in.

By staying with the narcissist you are part of the problem, not the solution. The only hope for the narcissist, as slim as that hope is, is to find himself utterly alone. It is the only time the narcissist has to confront herself. Only a crisis will induce a narcissist to seek out help from a professional. Chances are very small that the narcissist will stick with therapy long enough to deal with their real issue which is their narcissism. Once their presenting problem (i.e. depression) is fixed, they flit off never to be seen by their therapist again. But that isn't your problem either. Life is too short to waste it on someone who can never reciprocate, who is incapable of entering into your feelings, who will suck the life out of you and then kick your corpse as you lay lifeless reviling you for dying on them. Give your regard, your love, your energies to someone who can actually appreciate it.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Attention is the drug

You are the fix...

The narcissist is an addict. Their drug of choice? Attention. If you can really lock onto that word and understand how it defines the very core of the narcissist then you are well on your way to understanding what the hell is going on. What kind of attention, you ask? Any kind. Positive attention works. If that commodity is in scarce supply, then negative attention works just as well. Examples of positive attention would be: hanging on their every word, looks of admiration, adulation, attending to their every need preferably without ever being asked. All these reflections in the mirror affirm the narcissist's need for grandiosity. But the flip side of the attention currency would be: looks of fear, intimidation, obsequiousness. This also proves to the twisted mind of the narcissist that they are powerful and god-like. This negative attention just as adequately fulfills their need for grandiosity as the positive attention does. Any and all attention must prove to the narcissist that they are indeed still god.

The narcissist isn't satisfied with getting some attention, either. They must suck all the attention out of the room, or die. Withhold their next fix from them and risk psychic or bodily harm. They will rage, sulk, threaten, sing or dance in order to vacuum up every vestige of attention in any particular setting. If those tactics don't work they will stomp out of the room. Better to be alone rather than have to see anyone else getting some of their drug. Which is saying something since one of the greatest fears of the narcissist is being alone. When they are alone they risk having to confront who they really are. It can initiate a spiral into suicidal depression. This should give you some idea of the importance of them owning every bit of attention in any situation. They will risk being alone with themselves rather than sharing the milk of human kindness, regard, validation with anyone else. The level of selfishness we are talking about here is breath-taking in its scope when one really understands it.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Some Recommended Reading

Here are a few recommendations for books that can help you deal with the narcissist(s) in your life.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson available at

Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein. This book gets mixed reviews for its extensive use of the vampire metaphor. Some find it tedious, others entertaining. I am one who found it entertaining. The book has quite a bit of practical advice which is often hard to come by in books on this topic. The book seems targeted more toward those dealing with narcissists and other personality-disordered people in the workplace. The advice can apply to other contexts as well.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon. This is a must have book for anyone. We all have had to deal with manipulative people and can be assured we'll have to again. This book takes a very frank view of the subject and helps to clarify what is really happening when someone is trying to manipulate you. Click on the link for more extensive and informative reviews of the book.

I have read quite a few books in my quest to grapple with malignant narcissism. The three listed above have been of the most practical help to me. Perhaps they will help you.

Narcissists Suck

Excuse Me While I Mix Metaphorial Images

A metaphor that works so well for narcissists: vampires. It is such an accurate metaphor that people will automatically reach for it when trying to describe their personal experiences with a narcissist. So many parallels. If you're here because you've been sucked dry by some smooth-talking vampire then you know this is true.

Another metaphor that works extremely well is that created by the movie, "The Matrix". In order to really understand malignant narcissism you have to swallow the "red pill". Only by allowing yourself to see stark, unpleasant reality will you ever be able to get a grasp of the situation you're in with the narcissist in order to free yourself. You have been stuck in a macabre dance with the narcissist only because you have allowed him/her to define reality for you. It is a false reality. It casts a rosy glow over the actions and motives of the narcissist while it dumps mud on yours if you dare to step out of their reality even momentarily. So, if you decide to swallow the "blue pill", then, please, just navigate to here.

Look for future musings on the subject of narcissism. In the meantime, your homework assignment is:

Watch "The Matrix" with malignant narcissism in mind and look for the parallels. Even if you've already seen the it again.
Now, consider Morpheus' statement to Neo as you decide which pill you've decided to swallow. You can substitute "The Matrix" with "Malignant Narcissism" to better see the parallel:

The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.